United 93

This wasn’t what I was intending to post this week. I had something else all ready to go and was going to kick back and enjoy a relaxing weekend. But then something happened. I saw United 93. And now I sit here typing away ignoring the fact that I already had something perfectly fine typed and ready to go. Because now things have changed. Now I actually have something to say. And that something is this - Go see United 93. Well actually it’s a little more complicated than that. What I have to say I mean. Not the seeing of the movie. That remains quite easy. Just go to your nearest theater ask for a ticket. And then sit down and say goodbye for a few hours to your cynical complacent self-involved life. Because United 93 will take you away from your every day life and back to the core of what it means to be human, of what it means to be alive in our world today, and to the day when both of those changed forever in some way.

Now I know what you’re thinking - we need more 9/11 commentary like we need another Nick Lachey album. And I agree with you. But…what I was struck by while watching United 93 is how now all of the commentary focuses on the aftermath of 9/11 and what it all means instead of dealing with the actual day itself. Its almost impossible to fathom nowadays that September 11th used to just be a normal day on the calendar, no more or less important than any other and with no weight or significance to it whatsoever. When the people went to bed on September 10th 2001 they didn’t think, “Wow tomorrow is September 11th”. When they woke up that morning and started on their way to work it seemed just like every other morning. But then two planes hit the twin towers and one hit the Pentagon (amazing how we all forget this fact) and the world was forever changed. Changed in ways we could have never predicted or imagined. In the hours, upon days, upon years of coverage and analysis and commentary and debate that have followed 9/11 we seem to have only proven how unknowable human nature and the nature of tragedy are. I remember people at the time saying in all seriousness that Americans would never be able to fully laugh again. I remember great predictions of a new age of national togetherness, bipartisanship, and patriotism. Now five years later we all hate each other, but damn it if we don’t love to laugh about it. We swore we would catch those responsible for the attacks, but now we’re in war with Iraq that may never end and Osama Bin Laden is STILL on the loose. George Bush’s approval rating soared to 90%, but now he’s being openly considered one of the worst presidents in U.S. history. There was an unprecedented outpouring of global sympathy and support for the U.S., but now we’re one of the most hated countries in the world. If you were to go back to September 11th 2001 and tell them what the world would be like five years later as a result of that day, I doubt they would be able to believe you. But for all the ways the world has changed in a global sense, our personal day-to-day lives are pretty much exactly the same. Sure we live in a more fearful society now, and sure our national innocence was lost that day, but in our daily lives - day in and day out – we’re pretty much the same people we were before 9/11. All those people who made radical post-9/11 related life changes; I would wager that most of those people’s day-to-day lives now pretty closely resemble their pre-9/11 lives. I can’t say I or anyone else goes around every day, or even ANY day, thinking about 9/11. And I can’t say that my mentality on life or the way I live my life has been in any way noticeably directly affected by that day. In fact I would really struggle to find almost any way in which my day-to-day personal life and who I am was affected by 9/11. And most of us, if we’re honest with ourselves, would probably say the same thing. And if you do still walk around every day thinking about 9/11 and feeling deeply changed and/or tormented by it, might I suggest you get yourself some serious professional help post-haste. Because life goes on. Human beings are programmed so that we can experience tragedy, mourn over it, deal with it, and then accept it and move on. It’s a gift really. If we weren’t able to do that then none of us would ever be able to make it out of our mid 20’s without becoming too overwhelmed with grief and sorrow to live. Human beings are the most adaptable species on Earth and that’s allowed us to adapt to life in a post-9/11 world. But it’s important in this life to stop and think back. And remember. Because as much as we hear about 9/11 we never really remember it. We never actually sit down and think long and hard about the event itself. Because we’ve moved on. But it happened. It was something real and tragic and we were all there. And on that day, we said we would never be able to get over it. But we did. We hung signs that said “We Will Never Forget”. But we have. And we said there’s no way a movie could ever be made about it. But now one has been. And it’s because we were wrong about the first two things that we were also wrong about the third. And that’s why it’s important to see United 93. To remember. To remember not just the idea of 9/11 and all that’s attached to it, but to actually remember 9/11. To remember that day. Because in all the 9/11 commentary that has followed that’s the thing that has gotten lost. And that is why I urge you all, all six of you who read this, to go see it before it leaves theaters. And then urge everyone else in America to as well.

The other day when I was going to see it, I tried to urge my friend from work to come along. He looked at me like I had just asked him to come with me to watch a guy kill baby kittens. “Why do you want to see that?” he asked with a tone that could best be described as incredulous. And in that moment I felt very, very sad for America. And it’s really what spurred the writing of this piece.

Now the fact that the American movie going public is stupid and doesn’t like good, challenging or sophisticated movies is no news flash. I worked at Blockbuster for three years, so trust me, no one could have less faith in the American movie going public than me. But in that moment I realized how truly soft we’ve become. How self-involved. How coddled and safe and numb and unable to deal with anything that might challenge us or make us really feel genuine emotion, as opposed to the idea of emotion. As Owen Gleiberman points out in Entertainment Weekly, have you seen the list of movies that have made more money than United 93? You’re telling me people would really rather see She’s The Man and Silent Hill than United 93? What does this say about them? What does this say about us? How did we go from a country that used to watch live Civil War battles for family entertainment, to a country that cant even fathom the thought of wanting to see a reenactment of the most important historic event of our lifetimes. An event that we CLAIM to be so personally affected by. An event that we CLAIM forever altered out lives. Yet an event that we can’t even take two hours out of our busy lives to revisit and see dramatized. What is wrong with us? Granted it’s horrifying, and depressing, and yes it could even be described as a bit traumatic, but isn’t that what drama was invented for – to provide us with, as Aristotle said, “catharsis”. Isn’t this the very foundation that all dramatic art is based upon? And what event could we all use some catharsis regarding if not 9/11? The Ancient Greeks would have flocked to see United 93 in huge numbers. It would have been the biggest movie of all time. So how then did we get to this place? This place where we seem incredulous that drama would dare depict a horrible tragedy or that anyone would actually want to see it.

Now I’ve heard all the arguments…
* “It’s too soon.”
Oh really? Five years is too soon? How about the two TV movies that came before United 93? Were they too soon? How about the countless documentaries that have come and gone? How about the plays? The short films? The books? Are all of those things too soon too? How long SHOULD we wait then? Ten years? Fifteen years? Would forty years be too soon? Because I would hate for art to attempt to deal with something in a timely and relevant manner. It would be terrible if art to tried to shed any light on real life. That’s not the purpose of art or anything. Oh wait...actually it is. And the ability of movies to do just that – illuminate real life – is what raises them from pure entertainment into the realm of art. So is it too soon, or do you just hate all art?

* “It’s too real.”
Yes I agree. Hollywood should never make any movies about any real events. Actors should never play real people. How dare Hollywood make movies like Born on the Fourth of July or Schindler’s List! Look, to be real for a second, all of the families of everyone who died aboard Flight 93 approved of this movie. So who the hell are you to say it’s not okay? Unless you know someone who died aboard that flight, you really have no right to say whether United 93 should or should not have been made. How would you feel if someone you loved died in a tragedy and people tried to tell you that a movie shouldn’t be made that depicted for the world for all eternity their heroism and bravery? You’d tell them to shut the hell up. So you should do the same.

* “I think its wrong that the movie studio is, in a way, profiting from 9/11.”
Good point. Artists should never profit from their works. All art of any kind done about 9/11 should be done solely for charity. Same with Pearl Harbor. And the Holocaust. Look, it’d be one thing if it was a bad, disrespectful, Hollywoodized version of the events. But it’s an incredibly well done movie that was made with the utmost care and respect for all involved. I think its pretty safe to say that a better movie about 9/11 cannot and will not ever be made. So if you have a problem supporting that with your money then so be it. But just know that if you actually saw the movie I don’t think you would have the same complaint.

* “It’s too depressing.”
Wasn’t Terms of Endearment depressing? Or Love Story? Or Hamlet?

* “It’s too tragic.”
Wasn’t Brokeback Mountain tragic? Or Death of a Salesman? Or Titanic?

Look I could go on with your potential excuses all day and I could have a rebuttal for all of them, but ultimately it doesn’t matter. Because your real reason for not wanting to see it has nothing to with the movie itself. It has to do with you. To paraphrase Owen Gliberman, “it’s not the movie that we should be discussing; it’s our fear of seeing it.”

So I have a challenge for you. Face your fear. Take two hours out of your life and see United 93. It may be painful, it may be sad, it may be hard to watch, but that’s life and I think it’s about time you starting dealing with it. You owe it to the people who died that day, and you owe it to yourself. Because if you can’t even be bothered to see United 93 then how can you claim that 9/11 was a big deal for you? How can you use it as an excuse to justify the war? To justify supporting our current foreign policy? How can you claim it changed your life, or was important, or that you’ll never forget it if you cant even be bothered to take two measly hours out of your trite self-involved life to honor the memory of those that died, to reflect on that day, and to experience some cathartic remembrance of it? You cant.
It’s as simple as that.

Now if you still don’t want to see United 93, well, that’s your call. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, and as strongly as I may feel about mine, you’re entitled to yours. It’s your right. As an American and as human being. But let me tell you what you’re missing out on. You’re missing out on experiencing again the feelings of that fateful day and the days that followed. The patriotism. The feeling of togetherness. The renewed love for your loved ones and for your fellow man. All the feelings that have been obfuscated by the events that have followed. But for the few minutes after the closing credits start to roll, they come flooding back. You wipe your eyes, gather yourself, and head out onto the street. And sure enough as you leave the theater you feel connected to your fellow man. You wait for the train and you see the people who walk by not as a mass of annoyances, but as a series of faces, and behind each face a person. A person who shares this world with you and who has a life and loves and is just like you. And as their feet trudge by up the steps and into the dimming light of another quickly fading day you hear each pair of footsteps as its own. A group of individuals moving together in a sea of humanity. A sea capable of great and heroic things. And you’re reminded – this is what it means to be alive. And that’s what makes United 93 essential viewing. That’s why it should be shown in schools. That’s why it should be in every home. That’s why it should be mandatory viewing for every man, woman, and child that calls this country of ours home. Because that feeling is there. It’s there on the screen in United 93.

 
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
(Further 9/11 related reading)
1.) "Manifesto": http://www.slate.com/id/2105672
2.) Owen Gleiberman's article on United 93: http://www.ew.com/ew/article/commentary/0,6115,1195450_1_0_,00.html
3.) Peter Travers Review of United 93: http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/movie/_/id/9216055/rid/10146749/
3 & 1/2.) CNN's 9/11 Video archives: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2001/trade.center/day.video.09.html#11th

Why I Cant Sleep

We’ve all had that experience at the movie theater. We have our popcorn, we’re just settling into our seat, the previews are rolling along, and then out of the blue you’ll hear it: “Starring Academy Award winner Halle Berry”. And we all have the same reaction: “What the $#%#$”

Exactly.
What the $#%#$ indeed.

Halle Berry has an Oscar. How did that happen? It’s one of the greatest and most senseless tragedies of our time. And yet so many people have forgotten it even occurred. But we must never forget or else it might happen again. In nearly every major city there have been Holocaust museums erected, and yet not a single Halle Berry Oscar museum exists. Well I may be only one man and I may not have the money to buy a museum, but I do have a little read obscure online blog with a strange name. And I will use the remaining few paragraphs or so of this week’s entry to make sure the WORLD never forgets.

In order to deal with this problem though we must first look at how it happened. Looking back it would seem people were fooled by her attractiveness into thinking she deserved an Oscar. But come on, do we really live world where an actor’s merit is determined not by their level of talent but by their physical attributes? I say we do not! I also say my mind operates on the level of a five year old’s.

So it must be something else that led to her Oscar win. But what? Well, when anything in life happens and it seems like there is a logical explanation for it but you’re too lazy to find out what that reason is then that can only mean one thing: It must have been a racial thing.

At that time a black woman had never won Best Actress before, and so her win was great day for black people everywhere. Her win wasn’t just a win for her, but for all black women everywhere. You see, she’s very black. She’s not like The Rock or Mariah Carey - the grand marshals of the People Of Indeterminate Ethic Origin Day Parade. Oh no, she’s as black as night. As black as the bruises David Justice gave her. As black as a KFC in Bed-Stuy.

Only one problem...

She’s half white.

Her freaking mother who was sitting next to her when she won was whiter than Lauren Ambrose. I don’t get why this was never mentioned. Why was all the coverage of her winning focused around the fact she was “black”? It would be like if Freddie Prinze Jr. won a Cable Ace Award and it was declared a great moment for the Hispanic community.

(Speaking of great moments for the Hispanic community, can someone shoot Carlos Mencia for me?)

So since she’s half white it must not have been an affirmative action thing. So what was it? Why DID Halle Berry win an Oscar?

The world may never know.

Which means it was proabaly Sadam Hussein's fault.

Now lets go invade Iraq.



Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week
1.) The Coup
2.) The Greys Anatomy Finale
3.) Mario Live: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2139555376132383479&q=mario+live&pr=goog-sl
3 & 1/2.) "Further Evidence That Sports Center Has Lost All Connection to Reality": http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/5/10steele.html


Thought of the Week: Anyone else see the teaser ad for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? How did people forget to tell me Timothy Busfield was goign to be in? Matthew Perry, Nate Cordry, Bradley Whitford, AND Timothy Busfield? Thats hands down the greatest TV cast of all time. I could not possibly be more excited.

Standing In A Field With Keri Russell; or The 200 People You Meet In Hell

Now let me say for the record here that I do generally enjoy background work. Sure the first few times you do it you spend a good deal of the time contemplating the various ways in which you would be able to kill yourself. And sure maybe there have been a few times where in order to stay awake you consumed so much caffeine that you literally feared that your heart might explode. But you do it enough times and you get used to it and accept it for what it is – easy money doing a job that’s far better than your real job.

But sometimes you forget that.

Because sometimes it’s four in the morning and you’re outside in the freezing cold and you lost feeling in your toes at least an hour ago. And strangely its not the first time you’ve found yourself in this exact situation. And you look around you. And you listen around you. And you wonder if “listen around you” is a phrase that even makes any sense. And you start to think that maybe genocide might not be such a bad thing after all. And you realize that if that statement sounds crazy or outrageous to someone then that means that they’ve clearly never done extra work before. See, there’s a famous headline from The Onion that reads “Ill Try Anything With a Detached Air of Superiority”. And I think that perfectly sums up my forays into the glamorous world of extra work. It’s a world where people who, if given a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in real life would probably throw it in the trash, literally stampede over each other with no regard for human life for the chance to spread off-brand peanut butter and something that slightly resembles jelly onto two-week-old Wonder Bread. It’s a world where the phrase “checking the gate” elicits screams of ecstasy the likes of which probably haven’t been heard anywhere else other than your Mom’s bedroom on the nights that I come over. It’s a world of immense glitz and glamour and one that demands of its participants many things. They must be able to be available at a moment’s notice to work a 12-hour day or a 12-hour night for very little money. They must be so desperate to be in the entertainment industry that they will agree to stand outside for six hours in horrific conditions with no break just so that they can be somewhere in the general proximity of a movie camera. They must have nothing better to do with their time than to serve as an insignificant human prop. And most importantly, they must have absolutely no life. As such, extra work draws a huge cross section of people to its siren song - from the pathetic, to the talentless, to the criminally insane. It brings together fecund cesspools of humanity the likes of which can’t be found anywhere else on Earth other than The Olive Garden. And there I am right in the middle of it all, clinging for dear life to what is the lowest rung of the showbiz ladder other than working for NBC. But I’m far from judging these people. Oh no, judging them was like so four hours ago. Now I’m on to classifying and categorizing them. Because while the locations and the projects change, the people stay the same. They are the people you meet in hell.

The First Timer: They’re bright and sunny. They’re happy to be there. Every little thing that happens is like a new adventure. Never before has filling out paperwork seemed like such a thrill. And eight hours from now you can pretty much guarantee that they will be lying on the ground in the fetal position weeping and thinking that even a slow painful death by asphyxiation would be preferable to this nightmare.

The Lifers: They’ve been doing this for AT LEAST ten years. They’re all in SAG but have never had more than five lines on any given project. They’re actors in the way that the guy that makes the sandwiches at your corner bodega is a chef. But yet they’re treated like deities by their fellow extras. They’re usually gathered together holding court for the newbies and regaling them with tales from the days of yore like that time Woody Allen let them be Police Man #1 on Hannah and Her Sisters. It would all be fascinating if it weren’t so very very sad.

The Guy Who Thinks He’s Hot Stuff: Perhaps in this context you may seem cool. But being the coolest background actor is a bit like being the coolest guy in a leper colony. Yes you may be the coolest guy in the colony, but you’re still a leper.

The Person Talking Out Loud to No One In Specific Because They Want You To Know How Funny They Are: Shut Up.

The Person Talking Out Loud to No One In Specific Because They Are Insane: Its like being on the subway except for you’re not getting off in three stops and you don’t have an iPod to drown it out.

The P.A. On A Power Trip: They’re my favorite and there’s always more than one of them. They’re the people who tell you what you’ve already been told by three other people but just in a much more forceful, confusing, and ridiculous way. Also, you know how you were standing in one place and then were told to move, only to be told later to return to exactly the same place? Well that was this person's doing. You should thank them on the way out. I find that the gift of a sense of self-worth is usually appropriate.

The Wide Eyed Clueless Newcomer: They are always inevitably talking to…
The Person Who Has No Idea What They Are Talking About: Usually can be identified by the fact that they have black and white headshots and are reading the print version of Backstage. They also have a B.A. from Bumblefuck U. and are inevitably appearing in Millennium Talent Group’s production of “Give Us Your Money”. And you can pretty much guarantee that “Happy Hour” is somewhere on their resume. And I’ve now officially lost 95% of my audience because they have no idea what I’m talking about. Great. Now my readership is now negative four people.

The Person Mugging For The Camera: “Hey look at me! I’m dancing on top of the car. I’m focusing on the action in the scene so hard that my eyebrows are moving more than Don Cheadle’s. I’m yelling so loud my voice is hoarse by the second take. I’m somehow standing right next to the star in every take. Wait, what do you mean ‘go back to holding’? Why is everyone else allowed to stay? And why are they all cheering?”

The Person Who Compares The Craft Service To The Craft Service Of Every Other Film They Have Been On: The craft service table has plain bagels? Well the craft service table on The Inside Man shoot had raisin bagels with lox and chives. You only get one kids sized Capri Sun to drink? Could be worse. On Love Monkey Tom Cavanaugh pissed in a cup and that was the only liquid available on set. They’re serving salmon and smoked turkey breast? Well on The Stepford Wives they had roasted duck with mango salsa. (And yes for the record that commercial has definitely run its course.)

The Person Who Came in From Far Away To Do This: If it took you more than an hour to get to the check-in place today you should just kill yourself right now. Trust me, it’s for the best.

The Person Who Complains About Everything: “Oh my God if I have to stand up for one more second I’m gonna fucking lose my mind. I can’t take this anymore. My body aint made to stand up for this long. What? I gotta sit down now?!? Aw, this is some BULLSHIT. I can’t believe this shit. Now I gotta sit down? Man this is fucking ridiculous. Next thing you know they’re gonna be saying all we gots to drink is Tom Cavanaugh’s piss in a cup.”

The Person Who Talks The Whole Time About How They Are Going To Leave: After every take they keep swearing that if they have to do that fucking scene one more time they are out of here. Which means you know for a fact that eight hours later they’ll still be there. Which is more than you can say for…
The Person Who Is Way Too Excited To Be There: “Oh my god Sally! Guess where I am? I am on the set of a MOVIE! I know, isn’t that crazy? There are like movie stars here and everything. Ohmygod, OHMYGOD, I think I see Robin Williams right over there!!! I’m gonna go tell him what I big fan I am. I know he’ll appreciate hearing that. As soon they yell cut I'll just scream out his name. Wont he just LOVE that?!? This is so exciting!!! Ill call you back later Sally and give you the whole scoop. Laters.”

The Person Who Is Sucking Up To The Casting People: “Hey Chuck! How’s it goin? How are Amy and little Samantha? How old is she now anyway? How has the shoot been going so far? Oh yea? That’s funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh Chuck you’re the best. I’ll see you later. I want you inside me. Oh hey…from before…”

The Person Who Thinks This Is Somehow Helping Their Career: Its not.

The 40 Year Old Who Is Just Beginning Their Career: The list of guarantees in life is a short one. Death. Taxes. Having a daily encounter with the 6 train mariachi band. And most important among those is the fact that any person 40 years or older who is just beginning their acting career is a terrible actor. They are also usually bat shit insane.

The 40 Year Old Who Is In Denial About Their Age: Their hair is dyed. Those clothes are way too small for them. They keep checking their compact every ten seconds. They’re tan and it’s the middle of January. Yes that’s right it’s an attack of the MIWNLTFBSLLSSOSTC (Mom I Would Not Like To Fuck Because She Looks Like Some Sort Of Strange Troll Creature)

The 40 Year Old Virgin: A wildly overrated movie.

The Person Who Not So Subtly Wants To Tell You About Their Career: A slight variation on the “Person Who Not So Subtly Want To Tell You How Drunk They Were Last Night”. You remember that person from high school or freshman year of college right? Your conversations would always go something like this:
You: “Do you if it’s going to rain today?”
Them: “It was going to rain last night, when I was drunk”
Or
You: “What’s two plus two?”
Them: “How should I know? I got wasted last night.”
Well this person is just like that only far more annoying. I think its no exaggeration to say this encompasses about 80% of the people you’ll encounter while doing extra work. You listen to them drone on about their career and you just want to stop them and say, “You’re doing fucking extra work. Your career cant be going that well or you wouldn’t fucking be here. So shut the hell up.” And no, hearing a complete stranger talk about themselves to me for 20 minutes doesn’t make me the least bit hostile. And yes, actors are without a shadow of a doubt the most annoying people on the face of the earth. And no I don’t know why you’re friends with me either.

I’m sure I’m leaving people out but I think that provides a pretty decent list for whoever the next evil dictator is who wants to start an “ethnic cleansing” type program. That should give them a nice reference sheet for the types of people they need to round up. And if you ever do extra work in the future keep an eye out for these people, I promise you'll be there.


Also, while I’m here I think it’s worth noting that Keri Russell is a very, very tiny woman.

And I'm pretty sure I just accidentally touched her ass.

Note From the Author and More Random Thoughts

Four and a half years ago, like many guys my age I moved to New York in hopes of finding fame, fortune, and someone to teach me how to play R&B/Blues guitar. Well in my first week in the city I found neither fame nor fortune, but I did find that Dan Smith could teach me how to play guitar. And I had every intention of taking him up on that offer, but in between the planes crashing and the buildings falling and the trying to figure out excatly how to define that smell in the 51st Street subway station, I got kind of sidetracked. And the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years and next thing I knew I was a New Yorker with places to be and people to see and fame and fortune to acquire. Only problem was the fame and fortune were harder to acquire than it seemed. So I did what every single human being on the face of the Earth did and started a blog. It kept me entertained and stimulated, but somehow through some terrible fluke or accident or some kind fame and fortune still managed to allude me. And so I got a real job and I discovered the magical world of credit cards and pretended that everything was fine. But it wasn’t fine. I needed a change And so a few weeks ago I did the unthinkable. I left Manhattan and moved to Queens. It was new start and it was a great one. But in between the moving and the working and the complaining about the working and the continuing evasiveness of fame and fortune I thought maybe there was no place in this new world, this magical land of Astoria Queens, for fredtheonlinejournal. And so I was all set to shut it down, when a savior came in the most unexpected way. At a party I shouldn’t even have been at, a person I barely knew came up and told me how much he enjoyed the blog and to keep up the good work. Well now I couldn’t let down my fan could I? And so the next day, in the land of souvlaki, gyros, and Mythos beer, the world headquarters of Fredtheonlinejournal opened for business once again. And with renewed vigor thoughts and words flew out of it. And while fame and fortune continued to elude me I was back to my roots and back where I belonged – wasting ridiculous amounts of time writing about crap that absolutely no one else cared about. And life was good.

Now I know what you’re asking yourself: “when will this ridiculously long intro end?” And also, “enough about you, what does this have to do with me?” Well what this means for you is that there will be regular articles again. And frequent posts. And it also serves as an explanation for my absence. But never fear. There will be no more absences. (At least not until I change my mind again.) So for now enjoy some of the random thoughts I had while on hiatus. And tell your friends about them. And maybe one day I'll have fame. And fortune. And Dan Smith will finally be able to teach me how to play R&B/Blues guitar.

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* So wait, I’m confused, is Larry a Cable Guy or a Health Inspector?

* Ever noticed how in college you can study “liberal arts” or major in “liberal studies” but there’s no such thing as “conservative arts” or “conservative studies”?

* I think It’s difficult to know anyone who’s really worth knowing.

* I saw an episode of NBC’s version of The Office recently and despite all odds it was actually really good. In fact I thought it was on par in its own way with the BBC version. Granted it was only one episode but apparently its been getting really good reviews recently overall. Who’d have thunk? I might even have to start watching it. And maybe you should too.

* On a semi-related note, can someone let Ricky Gervais know that no one cares about The Simpsons anymore?

* Since I know (or at least I hope) that there are a lot of Aaron Sorkin fans that read this blog, I feel I should say a few words about Sports Night. And the words are this: Watch It. Sure its not as good as West Wing, and sure at times the writing’s a little unpolished and Sorkin’s still finding his way, and sure other than Felicity Huffman the acting isn’t by any means stellar, and sure the episodes Sorkin didn’t write or only wrote parts of are pretty obvious, and sure the relationships on the show aren’t really believable, but still, its Aaron Sorkin and its better than 95% of shows that there have ever been. Which is why it’s a shame its so under recognized. The West Wing is huge and yet fewer people have seen Sports Night than have seen Freaks and Geeks. (Which if you haven’t seen yet, should be first on your priority list). The argument I hear most often for not watching it is – “I don’t like/care about sports”. But it’s not really about sports at all. That would be like not watching Grey’s Anatomy because you’re not really into medicine. Just give it a chance. Go to Blockbuster or Netflix, check it out, watch the whole first disc, and if you’re not hooked I’ll give you your money back. It takes a few episodes to get going so hang in there at first. And yes the laugh track does go away very soon. But it has a lot to offer. Great likeable characters (it even manages to make Peter Krause seem semi-talented and likeable – no small feat). Engaging story lines. A guest appearance by the incomparable Janel Moloney. The obvious seeds of what would become the West Wing (including an entire episode about everyone’s plans being held up by an old guy who refused to lose a tennis match that was recycled almost exactly by The West Wing) Amazing, astounding, too good for words to describe-level work by Felicity Huffman. And most importantly - great, clever writing. And did I mention Felicity Huffman? So give Sports Night a shot; I wouldn’t steer you wrong.

(On a related note: noticing the jump in quality from Sports Night to West Wing has me off the charts excited to see if Sorkin will make a similar level jump with Studio 60 on Sunset Strip. And even though that seems impossible, early indications are that he actually might. I remember hearing about its pilot script being the hottest thing in Hollywood almost a year ago. And every report from everyone who has come across it has said it’s by far the best TV pilot they’ve ever read. And now Matthew Perry is attached to star. And never before have an actor and writer been more perfectly suited for each other than Matthew Perry and Aaron Sorkin. They make Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro look like the odd couple. So long story short, my expectations and anticipation for Studio 60 on Sunset Strip couldn’t be any higher. Well unless of course it was called Snakes on a Plane. But more on that later…)

* While we’re talking about Aaron Sorkin, here are a few brief thoughts on Season 3 of The West Wing. Humor me. Or just skip right past them. Either way here they are:
-Wow they got Al Pacino to be on the show! Oh wait…that’s just Ron Silver.
-Too many new characters are starting to stretch things a bit thin.
-Story lines are starting to get dropped. Like what ever happened to Donna’s man? And to Bruno and his crew?
-The scene between Josh and Amy in “Women of Kumar” is probably my favorite scene from any TV show/and or movie ever. There are no words to describe its brilliance.
-Okay, how could Bartlett not win reelection in a landslide? I don’t really buy that there could be anyone in this fictional America who wouldn’t like him.
-While talking about implausibility, Bartlett’s comment about Ritchie is the first legitimately implausible thing the show has tried to pull off.
-Amy Gardner listens to Van Morrison. Its official, she’s the most perfect woman ever.
-How could something this smart have gotten such high ratings? I really don’t understand.
-What happened to Charlie and Zoey? Are they still dating? Is Zoey even still alive? Not that I’m complaining, I’m just asking.
-If I could own anything in the world, I would want the actual framed napkin prop they used in “Bartlett for America”. I sincerely hope it still exists somewhere so that I can get rich someday and buy it.

* If you wear a hat to the gym, you’re just tacky. But if you wear a Von Dutch hat to the gym, you have no worth as a human being.

* Im pissed. Amelie Gillette (aka "The Hater") of The Onion's AV Club stole my dream day job.

* Have you heard the new R. Kelly song? The one with the line “It’s like Jurassic Park/ and I’m your Sexosaurus”? I don’t even know what to say about R. Kelly anymore. I mean what can you possibly say at this point? I’m literally speechless. I only hope he realizes that he just barely missed the Pulitzer deadline, so he’ll have to wait almost a whole year before he can collect his award.

* There are few words in the English language more fun than “bouillon”. Between “bouillon” and “doubloons” pirates have really made some of the best contributions to the English language. See I told you pirates arrrrr awesome.

* You know that person who you barely know and were never even really formally introduced to but whenever you see them they always act like you’re best friends and assault you with long pointless stories that only serve to embarrass themselves, but instead of telling them to shut up and go away you just tune them out and nod occasionally to give the appearance that you’re listening? I feel like that’s America’s relationship with Eva Longoria.

* I’m glad to see that Cinco De Mayo is becoming the new St. Patrick’s Day. It really brings me immeasurable joy that there are now two culturally acceptable mainstream holidays whose sole reason for being is to give people a valid excuse to get as drunk as humanly possible. And absolutely no one has a problem with this. At all. It’s times like this when I remember how much I love America.

(And yes I realize both days are technically foreign holidays, but that almost makes it better. It shows that we Americans know how to adopt the very best parts of other cultures and make them our own.)

* I think it’s interesting to consider the fact that the Arts and Entertainment sections of many papers are called “Life” or “Lifestyle”. In the words of Outkast, go and marinate on that for a minute.

* Just for the record, I had “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley on my iPod over two months ago. And yes, now I understand the whole “get mad and defensive when something you like goes too mainstream” phenomenon. On the flip side though we haven’t a good legitimate universal “song of the summer” in far too long.

* As much as I may love them, I think we can probably safely add Peeps to the list of things that human beings were clearly not intended to consume.

* Yes Bill Maher can be kind of smug prick. And sure, he’s not that likeable. It yes, he is clearly extremely chauvinistic. And no, it’s not at all surprising to learn that he’s not married. And basically he’s a pretty hard guy to defend in any way. But that being said, the first and last 10 minutes of any given Real Time With Bill Maher are almost assured to be 20 of the best minutes anywhere on TV in any given week. So I guess in its own way its almost exactly like Grey’s Anatomy.

* “The Call” on NY1 is clearly the work of Satan. And yes, maybe I care a little too much about NY1 but what can I say? It’s the only local news worth watching.

* I feel sure that it’s no coincidence that the demise of E! News Live has directly coincided with the demise of America. Ryan Seacrest and Julianna DePandi are clearly the George Bush to Jules Anser and Steve Kmetko’s Bill Clinton.
Wow, I really need to get out more.

(While were on the topic, how is more not made out of the fact that Steven Soderbergh is married to Jules Asner? Or that Jules Asner is married to Steven Soderbergh? Either way you look at it it’s a great story and more should be made of it.)

* I think whenever someone says, “all I want is honesty” that’s a pretty good sign that they’re lying.


"In a million years, did you ever think this would happen? One decade ago, I didn't even have an e-mail address or know what the Internet was ... now I can watch basically any video clip I want whenever I want? What will the world be like 10 years from now? Is it possible to procrastinate for 24 hours a day? Are we headed that way?"
(Editors Note: Yes.)


* Who are these people who aren’t ready for United 93 and claim it’s too soon? It was four and a half years ago! How can you not be ready? If you’re not ready now when exactly WILL you be ready? Did you have a problem with them making Pearl Harbor? If all the families have approved and say they’re okay with it then who are you to say its “too soon”? And why is it acceptable for you to force movie theaters to stop showing the trailer because it’s too traumatic for you to sit through? It’s a fucking movie trailer people. Seriously, I don’t know why this is considered tolerable acceptable behavior. Far be it for me to judge how people should handle tragedy; I know its something personal and we all deal with it in our own way. If you don’t want to see the movie, that’s fine. But if the trailer for United 93 comes on and you audibly yell at the screen “too soon” or complain afterwards to the management, you’re not grieving or traumatized, you’re insane.
And this isn’t the last you’ll be hearing from me about this…

* True story: a few months back I was about halfway through writing a complete March Madness preview when my computer crashed, taking the document with it. I was so pissed off that I just gave up and didn’t bother rewriting it. But if you don’t think I’m still upset that I didn’t get a chance to make jokes about an event that featured Adam Morrison’s mustache, a guy named Kevin Pitsnoggle, and a team called the Wichita State Shockers, then clearly you don’t know me very well.

* If I wrote Jessica Shaw’s Hot List for Entertainment Weekly:
In: Snakes On A Plane
5 Minutes Ago: Chuck Norris
Out: “Lazy Sunday”
Which bring us to our last item….

* You might recall that back in November I asked whether or not a film had ever won Best Picture before a trailer for it had even been released because if not then Munich would be the first. Well I was wrong about Munich but I will ask the same question and make the same prediction again, only this time about a different film. An that film is Snakes on a Plane. The others studios should just give up right now. Snakes on a Plane has Best Picture sewn up. Because not only is Snakes on a Plane the greatest thing to ever happen to movies, and to the internet, it’s maybe the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity in the history of the Earth. I honestly don’t think it would be humanly possible to be any more aboard the Snakes on a Plane bandwagon than I already am. I already have Snakes on a Plane references up in my home. I recently ordered a Snakes on a Plane shirt. As soon as tickets go on sale I will buy them for opening night. (And if its not showing at The Zeigfeld there is something very wrong with the world.) And if they could somehow get Chuck Norris to make a cameo it would seriously be the greatest movie moment in history. The earth might literally stop spinning on its axis because of how fucking awesome that would be. And if you think I’m joking about any of this, well I’m not. If you were here right now you could see how completely serious I am. And you want to know something else? You know how people say something is the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well soon they’re going to start referring to things as the greatest thing since Snakes on a Plane. So you better get on board. The bandwagon that is. Definitely not the plane. Because as you might have heard, THERE ARE SNAKES ON IT!

Top 3 & 1/2 Snakes on a Plane Sequel Titles
Snakes on a Plane II: More Snakes On Another Plane
Snakes on a Plane II: Bears On A Plane
Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes On A Plain Bagel
Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes On A Boat

(And of course there’s the obligatory “Snakes On A Plane II: Electric Bugaloo”)
* My idol Bill Simmons is referring specifically to YouTube.com here but he is in general referring to the entire Internet. And as always I couldn't have said it better myself. Which is why Im letting him say it:

My Friend The Man

I'm not dead I promise. Youll be getting a full Note From the Author very soon. I wanted to type it tonight but since Im going on about 12 hours of sleep over the last 4 nights combined I really am just not feeling up to it at the moment. But soon. I promise. I swear on the grave of Matt LeBlanc's career that there will be tons of new entries soon. But in the meantime, here's a piece about my job that I wrote a while back for the zine 20-Sided Die. I know I said I would never delve into my personal life in this blog, but in the words of Shakespeare "fuck it". Plus a lot of you have probably already read it anyway. Enjoy.

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My Friend The Man

As a world famous actor/waiter people often have many questions for me. For example- “who are you?” “why are you touching me?” and “what’s that smell?” But probably the most common question I get asked is “what’s it like to work for The Man?” You see I’m not just any waiter, but I’m a waiter who works for a large faceless restaurant corporation that has a location in Times Square. As I don’t want to lose my job, I think it is probably best I not mention this restaurant by name, but suffice it to say that it is very large and prominent and serves a lot of seafood. Also, as I mentioned, it is run by The Man. And not The Man in the Samuel L. Jackson/Eugene Levy sense, but The Man in the “Damn The Man” sense.

Anyway, thing is, as a recent college graduate with no discernable skills other than dressing up in funny clothes and pretending to be other people, I had no choice but to submit to my fate as a walking cliché and sign up to wait tables for The Man. Which leads us back to the question at hand – what is it like to work for him? Well, so far I haven’t had to do any TPS reports. Or file things. Or personally harm any cute puppies or rainbows or Dakota Fanning. But I have had to ask movie trivia questions to foreign tourists who have a Bush-level of English language comprehension. And I do have to ask if you want fries with that. And I seriously can’t find my stapler.

But on the other hand, he does pay me well, and sometimes when I pass by with a tray full of food I could swear I feel his hand gently caress my left buttock letting me know that I’m loved and appreciated. Or maybe I’m thinking of prison.

In all honesty though, I do enjoy my job as much as one can enjoy such things. Dealing with tourists is nice as long as they don’t speak any English. Getting a 50% discount on a bucket of fried fish glazed in butter makes me feel like my gym membership is worthwhile. And drunk Germans are surprisingly good tippers. So all and all I would say working for The Man aint as bad as some would have you believe.

Which makes what I have to do all the more difficult.

You see, as an actor I had to sign a contract in my blood to promise to fight The Man, possibly with performance art and/or Tim Robbins. However I choose go about it though, it is my sworn legal and artistic obligation to bring down The Man and make the world safe for the less successful tenants of our free market based economy as well as for Godless gay black abortion doctors everywhere. And so I do my part on the job to subvert The Man’s authority. I don’t always write down customer orders. I allow my facial hair to often appear slightly unkempt. I don’t wash my apron with great regularity. Its through little things like this that I will bring The Man TO HIS KNEES! At least that’s what they taught me in Theater 101. By bitching about The Man loudly to those around me and then acting out softly and passive aggressively when The Man comes around I’m fulfilling my role as an artist in society. So there! If my feeble actions don’t take him down than surely this awkwardly written and poorly punctuated diatribe will!! Because The Man must die!!!

Unless of course he’s reading this. In which case- I got nothing but love for ya brother.

A List of How Selected Jay-Z Song Titles Would Be Different If He Had Spent His Youth Working on a Shrimping Boat

- “Big Shrimpin’”

- “Money, Cash, Shrimp”

- “(Brush That) Shrimp Off Your Shoulder”

- “Can I Get A…Shrimp Cocktail”

- “99 Problems (Several Of Which Relate To The Catching And Selling Of Shrimp, A Bitch Not Being Among Those)”

- That last item might not have been grammatically correct.

- Well look, Jay- Z, I’m sorry I made a potentially grammatically incorrect joke involving one of your songs titles, but its not like you’re perfect. I mean come on, like you’ve never written something that had questionable syntax. How about “Fo shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA”? Not exactly Shakespeare there Mr. Carter.

- Okay so you may be a world famous rapper and record company president and I may just be a guy who has stretched a one joke premise well past its breaking point and is now searching desperately for a way to end it, but still, that gives you no right to talk to me like that. And I may have my faults, but unlike you at least I don’t have to result to name calling and threats of violence. And at least I’m not named after a New York City subway line. And at least my girlfriend doesn’t shop Wal-Mart.

- Yes, I would be okay with taking this outside.

- Okay now that I’ve followed you outside can you explain why you wanted me to do so?

- Ow! You shot me!

- Hey wait, don’t just leave me here! Come back!

- Oh God I’m bleeding profusely. Can someone please help me?

- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL 911!

- (sound of me gasping for air)

- …..

The Show That Sent Me Into Therapy

The Oscars. The Big Show. The Jewish Christmas. The Gay Super Bowl. The One Night a Year E! is Relevant. The Academy Awards are many things. But are they something that people still care about almost a week after the fact? Well we’re about to find out. Because as with any great tragedy its taken me about a week to be able to talk about them without breaking down emotionally. But I would hate for some half-baked, mediocre, and now outdated jokes to go to waste. So without further adieu, I give you my Oscar recap:

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* To paraphrase something my roommate Dave said, I’m glad they did Supporting Actor first so we can relax the rest of night without having to worry that we might see any film clips of William Hurt.

* Martin McDonough has an Oscar now! Take that David Mamet!

(Actually they might be friends for all I know. Still, wouldn’t a playwright feud be awesome? It would be the exact opposite of a rapper feud.)

* It might just be me, but I feel like Dolly Parton might have had some work done at some point.

* Are Tom Cruise’s home movies eligible for Best Documentary Short Subject?

* Remember how the technical nominees last year had to receive their awards from the audience? Notice how no one mentioned the fact that they went back to the old way this year? Interesting how it was like last year never happened wasn’t it? Wouldn’t those last three sentences have worked much better as statements rather than questions?

* With Jack Nicholson it’s hard to know whether the girl sitting next to him is his daughter or his date. I think it’s about 50/50 odds either way.

* The Wallace and Grommit guys would make great final round subjects on the inevitable future game show version of the popular guessing game “Gay or European?”

* New product alert: Tab Pink Energy Drink for Women! Their slogan is “The fuel to feel fabulous”. I don't even know what to say about this. I’m literally speechless. But if I could speak, I think the first thing I would say is “thank you God for the greatest product in the history of the world”. This is gonna make the wheel look Blue Raspbery Pepsi.

* I think if you’re a straight male the only way winning an Oscar would hurt your sex life is if the Oscar you won was for Best Makeup.

* Oscar Voiceover Announcer Guy: “When we come back Will Farrell Steve Carell will take the stage”
   Me: Where will they take it to?

(By the way announcer guy, nice job of seconds after she won announcing that, “Rachel Weisz has also been seen in The Mummy and The Mummy 2”. Way to knock her down about 10 levels during the biggest moment of her life.)

* Hey, it’s Russell Crowe! Who let him near the Oscars?

(By the way, has anyone made the joke yet that it’s a good thing for that hotel concierge’s sake that Russell was only trying to call his wife and not email her? Just checking.)

* A quick word about Jon Stewart: I thought he did about as well as The Academy will ever allow anyone to do. I know his writers were told they couldn’t do a lot of the jokes they wanted because they wouldn’t fly with a mainstream middle-America audience and that’s a shame, but I understand. Taking that into account, and also keeping in mind that as a first time host he was on a very short leash, I thought he did a great job. Usually after the monologue is over you never think about the host the rest of the night, but I thought his constant jokes during the show were what kept people watching and entertained. Every time the camera panned to Jon you knew you were going to laugh. My only complaint is that they didn’t let him do enough. His monologue was too short and they really underutilized him. Much like Ellen at the Emmys. But some of the “ad-lib” jokes and the gay cowboy montage were classic Jon Stewart. And nothing beats that. Not even Billy Crystal.

* I know there was a lot of suspense over whether or not Crash would upset Brokeback for Best Picture, but I think that the most suspense and tension filled moment of the evening was the last thirty seconds of Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech. Because as the clock was winding down towards the speech’s evitable end the entire nation sat in rapt attention wanting to know the answer to the question we’d wondered about for months: would she forget to thank Ryan Phillippe? About half the speech had gone by and she still hadn’t done it yet. The cameraman then fixed the picture straight on Ryan and the tension was becoming almost unbearable. What would Ryan do if she forgot? Would he pull a gun out of his pocket and shoot himself in the face on live TV? Would he curl up into the fetal position and start bawling hysterically? Would the resultant therapy bills bankrupt their family? But alas, she finally did mention her husband, and so unfortunately Ryan Phillippe would live to see another day. Nevertheless it was the highlight of the night.

(Although on two related notes: I don’t think it’s ever a good sign if your wife seems more enthusiastic about thanking a guy named T-Bone than she is about thanking you. And also – have you ever seen a worse job of pretending to be excited than when Reese Witherspoon came into the pressroom and announced how excited she was that her husband’s movie had just won Best Picture? And keep in mind this was coming from a person who had just won an award called “Best Actress”. I think Keanu Reeves could have done a better job of acting excited than that. And he’s a cyborg!)

* After watching the In Memorandum montage I realized not only was this a bad year for movies it was also a bad year for death. When Richard Pryor gets the last spot in the montage you know it was really not a good year for death.

* I have a confession to make. When she came on stage to present Best Actor I actually thought for a brief moment “Wow, Hillary Swank is kind of hot.” And then the Earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. It was very traumatizing and I’d prefer not to talk about it. Actually, can we just pretend we never had this conversation?

* I made a joke last year about how I should have Morgan Freeman narrate my home movies just to see if that could get them to win an Oscar…Well ladies and gentlemen, I present to you March of the Penguins.

*Yes! King Kong won for sound mixing! Thank god! Cuz, let me tell you something - the sound in the movie was mixed like a fucking yogurt parfait.
(I don’t even know what that means. But I DO know that the guy who invented analogies is rolling over in his grave. As is the guy who invented irony. And humor.)

* I’m glad they included genocide on the list of controversial issues that movies have taken on because I know that before movies were made about genocide most people were very pro-genocide. But Schindler’s List was really able to change a lot of minds.

* I just saw an ad for a new reality show where they’re going to find America’s “Next Great Inventor”. All I know is, whoever wins that show is gonna have to wrestle that title away from the person who invented Pib Energy Drink for Women

* When the Academy President was making his speech about the importance of seeing movies on the big screen and he said, “No actor has ever finished a take and thought, ‘that’ll look good on DVD’” he clearly was forgetting about Pauley Shore.

* While listening to Brokeback composer Gustavo Santaolalla’s acceptance speech I realized that almost no one involved with Brokeback can properly articulate the English language – Gustavo, Ang Lee, Heath Ledger…the list goes on and on.

* Top 3 & 1/2 Moments:
1.) Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin’s Altman tribute (the fact that Jennifer Aniston didn’t get it tells you all you need to know about why Jennifer Aniston will never win an Oscar or even have a viable film career for that matter.)
2.) George Clooney’s Speech
3.) Three 6 Mafia’s speech
3 & 1/2.) All of Jon Stewart’s jokes throughout the night but especially “Please welcome Luke Wilson and Owen Wilson – two talented brothers; which is also a good way to describe the Baldwin family.” (By far the best joke of the night)

* Not that it wasn’t a great moment, but it’s interesting that such a big deal was made about “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” winning Best Song. People like Ludacris kept saying it was a huge break thru for hip-hop. Did everyone forget that a rap song had won Best Song previously? Eminem won for “Lose Yourself” just two years ago yet somehow no one seemed to acknowledge this fact. It’s as though “Lose Yourself” wasn’t valid hip-hop, although I would say that not even showing up for the Oscars is way more “hip-hop” than changing the words to your song so they’ll be acceptable for children and then thanking Gilbert Cates and George Clooney in your acceptance speech. Nothing against Three 6 Mafia, but when people say that their win was a breakthrough for hip-hop, it seems that what they are REALY saying is that it was a breakthrough for BLACK hip-hop and validation for a large segment of the BLACK community. That’s why Eminem doesn’t count. And yet I have heard absolutely no one mention this angle. See boys and girls, this is how race and race relations work in the real world. Which leads into my last item…

* Okay, so I don’t want to go over it again, but as you might be able to tell, I’m still furious that Crash won Best Picture. Actually as more time has passed I’ve become more upset about it winning Best Original Screenplay than about it wining Best Picture. I seriously think you could do the script without changing a single word as a comedy. Just like with Chekhov! I was rereading my Oscar review from last year and was reminded how livid I was about Beyonce singing all the songs. Well multiply that by 10 and that’s how upset I STILL am about this Crash thing. I seriously need to find a good therapist. Since I don’t know what else to say about it I’ll leave you with this:
(I wrote this down about halfway through the telecast before Crash had won a single award yet.)
“The Academy members DO realize that they nominated a movie that features Ludacris, Brendan Fraser AND Tony Danza for Best Picture right?”
I think that says all you need to know.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Darkness – “One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back” (album)
2.) Newman’s Own Ginger O’s Cookies
3.) Astoria
3 & 1/2.) Dave Chappelle’s Block Party

Thought of the Week:
Well its not so much a thought as it is a brain teaser, but someone asked me this at work and trying to figure it out kept me mentally entertained for a good five minutes, which breaks the “longest period of time I’ve been entertained at work” record by a good 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Anyway, here it:
Name the four U.S. Presidents whose last names end with the letter E.
(hint: you gotta know your obscure presidents)

Crash Into Paul Haggis's Face With A Hammer

Crash just fucking won Best Picture. All night Ive been sitting here writing some good jokes and comments for your amusement, but you know what, I really don’t feel like typing them up now because who the hell cares - Crash just won Best Picture. This is like the time Two Against Nature beat Marshall Matters LP for Album of the Year only 800 billion times worse. In fact I think the term infinity was created to describe how much worse this is than that. Forever and ever until the end of time Crash will be listed as the best picture of 2005. How?!? Really, how is this possible?!? I know back in the 50s there were some pretty bad Best Picture winners but really, nothing can possibly be worse than Crash. Its ridiculous, clichéd, insulting, and has absolutely no redeeming qualities. My roommate Dave and I really want someone who thought Crash was a good movie to explain why they thought so. We’re serious with that. I’m not being sarcastic and I'm not just wanting someone to tell me so that I can argue with them, but I really truly do want to understand how and/or why people think it was a good movie. So if you thought it was good, please contact me somehow and explain why. I am completely and genuinely 100% curious to understand why someone would think Crash was award worthy and will be very grateful to anyone who could help shine light on this subject. But now I’m off to go get drunk at 12:30 on a Sunday night. Never before has an awards show driven me to drink, but this one has. I’ve waited all year and devoted so much energy into the Academy Awards just to see absolute garbage like Crash win Best Picture. I thought when I heard Jack Nicholson announce Crash as the winner he was going to say “just kidding”. I was in shock, and I’m still in shock. I’m also already drinking heavily. I think Dave and I are going to go buy a copy of Crash on DVD and smash it with a hammer just to vent our frustration. I wish I had at some point won an Oscar so I could return it to the Academy in protest. I’m very upset. Okay I’m going to go to bed and maybe when I wake up this will have never happened. Good night, and I hope Paul Haggis dies in fiery plane crash.

Oscar Preview '06

With only 24 hours left before the Oscars I guess its about time I gave my own personal Oscar preview/predictions. As always, pretend like you care…

Best Picture:
If I ever get around to typing up my Top 3 & 1/2 of 2005 Awards Entry then you would know that I think Munich was the best movie of 2005. Although if you think Brokeback or Capote or King Kong or Walk the Line or Squid and the Whale or Cinderella Man or Good Night and Good Luck was better then I'd be willing to listen to your argument. (If you thought anything other than those movies was better than Munich though, then you are wrong.) Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I think Munich should win Best Picture, but if you disagree I can probably see your point. Unfortunately due to the most bungled PR campaign in the history of bungled PR campaigns there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell of Munich actually winning Best Picture. How exactly one is able to take a picture that months before its release was already being basically given the Oscar and somehow turn it into a movie that was lucky to even get four nominations is beyond me. Maybe it was the fact they didn’t send out screeners to Golden Globe voters. Maybe it was the fact Steven Spielberg and the stars did exactly one interview leading up to the film’s release. Perhaps it’s that it came out so late in the game and rolled out so gradually that it got lost in the shuffle. Perhaps it was the fact they showed the trailer and bought TV ads a likely combined total of 12 times. Whatever it was, they completely bungled what should have been a gimme Oscar victory. Where is Harvey Weinstein when you need him? Any man who can get a Best Picture nomination for Chocolat could have gotten Munich 10 Oscar WINS. Instead its PR people went with the Million Dollar Baby approach, forgetting the fact that when you’re the front runner you cant pull the "underdog that comes out of nowhere" approach. Anyway, it’s a real shame because in the so-called Year of the Message Movie, no movie delivered a more important or relevant message in as compelling a way as Munich. Based on real life events and using a thoughtful, brilliant, and stunningly literate screenplay and great acting, set against a tension filled, epic backdrop of international intrigue and personal emotional trauma, Munich preached that violence, even as revenge, only leads to more violence and ultimately solves nothing. Is there anything that could be more Oscar worthy or relevant for our times then that? (Well outside of a movie about shooting an old guy in the face during a hunting trip of course.) And that’s my problem with Brokeback winning. While at the moment Brokeback seems very groundbreaking and controversial, ten years from now it’s going to seem very tame and almost puritanical. Like In the Heat of Night or Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner it may capture the liberal zeitgeist of the times but once that zeitgeist has past and the context of its win has long been forgotten, it's going to age incredibly poorly. Munich on the other hand, is timeless. Because while gay rights is the cause du jour of the moment, the issue of violence as revenge for violence is, and always will be, more relevant to our own individual lives and the life of our nation and our world (especially right now), despite what conservatives may try to have you believe. Plus I doubt Brokeback is going to change anyone’s mind when it comes to their feelings on homosexuality, but Munich will make any viewer think deeper about the implications of revenge and violence, as well as the implications of the existence of the state of Israel, which is ultimately what this whole terrorism thing is all about anyway. Not only is the movie specifically designed to do just that, but I can testify from first hand experience that it succeeds. So to make a long story short - as good as Brokeback may be, Munich trumps it because its subject matter is more “important”. After all, love can only be experienced in an individual personal way, but war and nationalism and the intersection of the two can be experienced in a collective shared way. And isn’t that why we go to the movie theater, cram ourselves in with a bunch of strangers, and stare up at the screen together in the dark in the first place – the hope of a shared communal emotional experience? Isn’t creating that experience the goal of the best art? I would say it is.
But if you disagree…I see your point.

Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Should Win: Munich

(As side note, ultimately I really don’t care what wins as long as it isn’t Crash. If Crash wins I may seriously consider my long threatened boycott of all things Oscar. Crash would easily be the worst Best Picture winner ever. EASILY. Crash is a joke. If Crash wins I will hurl things at the TV. If Crash wins I will definitely contemplate using violence as a means of revenge. If Crash wins I would so completely NOT understand. I would be confused. I would be enraged. It would be just like dealing with someone from a racial group other than my own...)

Best Actor:
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is my favorite actor. He is the best actor alive. You should bow down before him and worship his presence. You are unworthy to share this planet with him and his awesome acting powers. Daniel Day Lewis is good and all, and Dustin Hoffman has had his days, and Russell Crowe deserves his props, but Phillip Seymour Hoffman can take on all challengers and he will destroy them all! What’s that blade through your heart Edward Norton? Is that the Hoff Man’s blade of Three Minute Pause Between Two Lines In 25th Hour? What’s that Robert DeNiro? Is that the sound of your skull being crushed by Phillip’s scene stealing prowess in Flawless? Hey Sean Penn, was that Phil’s ability to completely disappear into a character that just detached your head from your body? What’s that Al Pacino? You’re fucking insane? Yes, as Phillip Seymour Hoffman cruises to his first Oscar victory he leaves a trail of mauled and bloody contenders for the title of Best Actor Alive in his wake. But soon he will be able to claim his throne because at last he will have his Oscar. And when he wins it will bring much joy to my life. And it will bring much joy to the world. Children will sing, puppies will dance, angels will get their wings. The heavens will open, and light will pour down upon the Earth, and God will speak. And he will say:

“Id like to thank...”

And thank he will.

Just you wait.

Will Win: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Should Win: Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Best Actress:
There’s a fine line between giving an actress a Julia Roberts Oscar because they’re hot and a big star and they give an immensely likeable performance in a crowd pleasing movie in a year which was somehow arbitrarily declared “their year”, and giving a hot bankable actress an Oscar because their immensely likeable performance in a crowd pleasing movie was actually the best performance of the year. This year Reese Witherspoon walks that line. (Editors note: pun intended) On the one hand Reese doesn’t exactly have any scenes or moments in Walk the Line that cry out “Oscar worthy!” And I wouldn’t know June Carter Cash if I fell on her, so I have no idea how accurate a job Reese does of portraying her. And maybe Felicity Huffman technically does give a better and braver performance than Reese. But on the other hand, Reese gives the most memorable and indelible performance of the year and is the best part of one of the year’s best movies. And her name wouldn’t lookout of place on a list of Oscar winners. And she’s a hot young major star. And it’s her year. And unlike Julia Roberts she’s already won nearly every acting award in sight leading up to the Oscars. And Felicity Huffman’s performance isn’t THAT much better than hers. And absolutely no one has seen TransAmerica. And most of all, Reese deserves SOMETHING for staying married to Ryan Phillippe for so long. So here you go Reese - here’s your Oscar. You’ve earned it.

Will Win: Reese Witherspoon
Should Win: Reese Witherspoon

Best Director:
I really don’t care about this category this year. On the one hand, Steven Spielberg’s achievement in Munich is remarkable; especially considering it’s coming from him. In its own way it’s an even more shocking, bleak, and mature departure for him than Schindler’s List was. But on the other hand he already has two Oscars and is already the most respected and popular filmmaker of all time. On the other hand, Ang Lee, might not have made the year’s BEST picture, but how can you not have love for a guy who was raised in Asia and yet somehow was the force behind The Ice Storm, Sense and Sensibility, and now Brokeback Mountain. Throw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and The Hulk in that mix and has there ever been anyone in the history of film with a more diverse and harder to pin down oeuvre? And yes I really just wanted an excuse to use the word “oeuvre”. I feel like that should be the name of an exotic fruit.

Will Win: Ang Lee
Should Win: Steven Spielberg

Best Supporting Actor:
They should really just cancel this category this year. Looking back over Oscar history I think this might be the weakest group of nominees in this category ever. This year is like the anti-1994. I’ve been over this before but only Paul Giamatti even deserves to be NOMINATED and even his performance doesn’t exactly scream out “Oscar”. So really does anyone deserve to WIN? Matt Dillon cant win because is there anything more laughable sounding than the phrase “Academy Award Winner Matt Dillon”? (Actually, you don’t have to answer that…). Jake Gyllenhaal can’t win because he’s Jake Gyllenhaal, and because he once dated Kristen Dunst, and because, well, have you SEEN him in Proof? Anyone who can be that bad cant win an Oscar the same year. It’s a rule. George Clooney cant win because all he did was gain weight and then get tied to a chair and beaten. I wouldn’t exactly call that an Oscar winning performance as much as I would call it “last Tuesday”. And William Hurt can’t win because he is the worst actor in the history of the world and he was in the worst movie to get an Oscar nomination in my lifetime. So that only leaves Paul Giamatti. I like Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti is a great and well-respected actor whose name wouldn’t seem out of place on a list of Academy Award winners. Plus he got totally screwed last year when he hasn’t even nominated for Sideways. And he’s the loan representative of a movie that got totally screwed this year – Cinderella Man. And oh yeah, his performance is actually really good and endearing too. So Paul Giamatti deserves to win. Which is good because he probably will. Although part of me still fears George Clooney might, in which case I will have to go strap him to another chair and apply another beating to him. Or maybe Ill have your mom do it instead. She’s much better at it than I am.

Will Win: Paul Giamatti
Should Win: Paul Giamatti

Best Supporting Actress:
This is just an all around bad year for supporting performances. While this category is slightly better than its male counterpart, it’s still far from stellar. But I guess considering some of the nominees that usually inhabit this category this year’s lot ain’t too bad in the grand scheme of things. But Frances McDormand was clearly just mugging for an Oscar, Catherine Keener was way too subtle to actually win an Oscar (although I personally LOVED her performance), and Michelle Williams was once on Dawson’s Creek. Plus Joshua Jackson was way better than her on that show anyway. Not that I ever watched the first three seasons or anything. Still though, I wouldn’t be shocked to see her win here. Which would be a crime, because we all know who gave the best female performance, lead or supporting, in any movie this year (and by “we all” I mean “the 5 people who actually saw Junebug”). And that person is Amy Adams. She single handedly made her movie great, which is ridiculously hard to do when your movie also stars Benjamin McKenzie. But in the time it took for the movie to play she went from unknown to “Ill go see the next movie she’s in regardless of what is it” status. Alas though, she probably won’t win either. Because Rachel Weisz will win. And while Rachel Weisz was fine and all, she wasn’t really that memorable. When I walked out of Junebug (having heard absolutely nothing about it going into it) my first thought was “call off the Oscars and give Amy Adams her award now”. Whereas when I walked out of The Constant Gardener my first and only thought was “Ralph Fiennes actually only gardened intermittently.”

Will Win: Rachel Weisz
Should Win: Amy Adams

Best Adapted Screenplay:
This is gonna be like the year The Pianist won a screenplay award even though there was like less than 30 minutes of dialogue in the whole movie. How great can a screenplay be when Heath Ledger can’t even be bothered to properly articulate 50% of it? And am I wrong here or wasn’t the movie more about the things that went unsaid more than the things that WERE said? Plus it’s sharing a category with Munich, which was all about the screenplay. It was filled with dialogue, maybe even too much. At times the movie WAS the screenplay (if that makes any sense at all). It was also written by Tony Kushner who is one of the greatest writers alive and should always be given any award he is ever nominated for just by default. And his screenplay for Munich was so good and so unlike any other screenplay this or any year that it almost seemed out of place on a movie screen. It was intelligent and shockingly literate and way too good for a movie-going public that supports two Paul Walker movies being in the box office top 10 at the same time (which I think if I’m not mistaken is one of the signs of the apocalypse specifically mentioned in Revelations). I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard such an intelligently articulated discourse on big ideas at a movie theater. So of course its gonna lose to fucking cowboys. And I mean that literally.

(And while we’re talking about Brokeback, why is it seemingly totally okay to be making so many jokes about Brokeback? Why is this okay with the gay community? This would be like if Barbershop 2 was up for Best Picture and mainstream pop culture became permeated with jokes about black people who hang out in barbershops. Would this be at all okay? Wouldn’t the black community be outraged by jokes based on stereotypes of black people who hang out in barbershops? And can a movie really be socially groundbreaking at the same time it’s a national punch line? Maybe Brokeback is proving that it can be, but does no one else find it interesting that everyone seems to have absolutely no problem with all the jokes about it? Does the movie's success mean we’ve come a long way, or does the universal acceptance of jokes about it mean we haven’t come anywhere at all? And why is no one writing about this subject? And can't I ever write a sentence that doesn’t have a question mark at the end?)

Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Should Win: Munich

Best Original Screenplay:
I actually managed to obtain a copy of the entire Crash screenplay and I thought posting it here might help shine some light on this category.

“Crash: A Searing Portrait of Racism In America As Only Two Rich White Liberals From L.A. Could Tell It”
By Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco

Scene opens on a white woman in her car. She is white.

White Woman: I am a white woman. I live in Los Angeles, a place that is very representative of all of America. I feel so alone and isolated. In order to feel connection to people I need to literally crash into them.

(She crashes her car into the car in front of her. A Chinaman gets out.)

Chinaman: Ching chang walla walla bing bang!

White woman: Wow, I feel so connected to you now. I love people.

Chinaman: My blake lights! You boke my blake lights!

White woman: Shut up you slanty eyed chink face.

Ryan Phillippe: Hey that’s racist! I’m offended by your racist behavior. And because of that fact, you would never in any way possibly even remotely suspect that I’m secretly scared of black people. In fact if I was to randomly shoot a black guy for no reason, it would completely shock and stun you because you would never in a million years have been able to predict that that might happen.

White woman: What he hell are you talking about?

Ryan Phillippe: Racism, stupid. That’s all everyone EVER talks about. 24 hours a day we all just sit around talking about and thinking about racism. We have no thoughts or personality attributes or actions that don’t directly involve racism. You of all people should realize that – you’re white.

Sandra Bullock: Hi I’m Sandra Bullock.

All: What the hell are you doing here?

Sandra Bullock: How the fuck should I know? All I know is that I really hate Mexicans.

Ryan Phillippe: Wow, that’s really subtle.

Sandra Bullock: If you think that’s subtle you should see A History of Violence!

(They all laugh.)

Ludacris: Are you all laughing at my acting?

All: AHHH! A BLACK PERSON! Who the hell are you?!?

Ludacris: I’m Ludacris.

White Woman: So is this movie.

(They all laugh.)

The End.

Will Win: Trash (aka Crash)
Should Win: The Squid and the Whale


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Bob Dylan – “Freewheelin Bob Dylan” (album) (duh)
2.) Dave Chapelle
3.) “George Bush Doesn’t Like People” - The Legendary K.O.
3 & 1/2.) New Dutchwest article: http://dutchwestoven.blogspot.com/2006/02/andy-stokan-thank-you-dakota-fanning.html

Thought of the Week:
“If Jay Leno makes you laugh, chances are I don’t care for you as a person.” – Peter Griffin

Perhaps If You Handed Kanye Some Gold He Wouldnt Be Concerned About People Digging For It

Ah the Grammys - the one major award no one actually cares about besides me and Kanye West. And I feel like the only reason Kanye cares is because somehow he missed the memo that the Grammys aren’t a valid award and that white people could care less about them. Nevertheless I love (repeat: LOVE) to see someone like Kayne who cares so openly and abashedly about winning awards. So I wouldn’t dare miss my chance to root Kanye to victory and hopefully see some good performances along the way. And even though you didn’t watch the telecast and could care less about the whole thing, I’ve decided to share with you my thoughts I had while I watched it. Enjoy.

* If I had to use band name to describe the conditions in my apartment right now, I would definitely go with Hot Hot Heat.

* I wouldn’t so much call the Madonna/Gorillaz “collaboration” a collaboration, as much as I would call it The Gorillaz performing and then once they were finished performing, Madonna performing.

* Remember the band called Live? What would you say if you saw them live? “I saw Live live”? And wouldn’t “Live Live” be a great name for their live album? And if someone held a benefit concert to help raise money for them would it be called “Live Aid”? Just some things to think about.

* Good to see Tom Hanks out doing some early PR for his upcoming movie. The Da Vinci Code I believe it's called. With a weird title like that I think its gonna need all the publicity it can get.

* If I was black I think my dream girl would be Alicia Keys.

* If I was 12 I think my dream girl would be Kelly Clarkson. Then again when I was actually 12 my dream girl was Christina Ricci in Casper so who knows.

* Kelly Clarkson is singing a song other than “Since U Been Gone”? She HAS other songs besides “Since U Been Gone”? I don’t know how I feel about this. I do know how I would feel however if I was an American Idol winner who beat Paul McCartney for Best Pop Album. I wouldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t even consider accepting it. Also when I was thanking my competition I wouldn’t mention Sheryl Crow and Bonnie Raitt and yet NOT mention Paul McCartney who I should feel unworthy to even be in the same room as. But then again I’m not the voice behind “Since U Been Gone” so what do I know?

* No more comments about Kelly Clarkson I swear.

* Kelly Clarkson.

* Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

* Coldplay always seems a little off and awkward live. Kind of like Chris Martin’s new fro’.

* I get the impression that Ciara might be a woman of loose moral principles. Plus is the phrase “a poor man’s Beyonce” ever a good description to be able to use about someone?

* Has there ever been a less shocking revelation than Fantasia admitting she’s illiterate? That’s on par with Liberace admitting he’s gay.

* I really don’t think enough people were involved in the Sly Stone tribute. I was waiting for the kitchen sink to come out and do a song.

* I hate to rush to judgments on people, but I get the impression from his appearance and demeanor that Sly Stone might have engaged in a little recreational drug use in his youth. And by “his youth” I also mean “5 minutes before coming on stage”.

* While watching the Grammys it’s interesting to think about the fact that 50 Cent is sitting there listening to Bruce Springsteen. Or that Billie Joe Armstrong is sitting there listening to Faith Hill. Or that I’m sitting there listening to Sugarland.

* How was Kayne not nominated for Producer of the Year? He WAS the producer of the year. And yet somehow he wasn’t even NOMINATED? How is there not more outrage about this? Oh yeah, that’s right, no one else cares about the Grammys.

* Herbie Hancock and Christina Aguilerra together at last! Finally, the collaboration America has been clamoring for has happened! Speaking of late 90’s pop stars, I think its time for my annual ridiculous early Grammy prediction for next year. And it is this – Justin Timberlake’s new album will be nominated for Album of the Year. And keep in mind this prediction is coming from the same person who predicted Speakerboxx/The Love Below would WIN Album of the Year a full six months before it even came out. So you best recognize.

* 3 & 1/2 Comments About Mariah Carey:
1.) It seems that record execs are angry that Mariah hasn’t been shown more love by the Grammys over the years. I know how they feel. I’m still upset that she was robbed out of a Best Actress in a Comedy Series Emmy for her performance in MTV Cribs.
2.) I feel certain that if Abe Lincoln were alive today he would go back and revise the Emancipation Proclamation to state, “I emancipate everyone except for Mimi. She shall forever remain unemancipated.”
3.) “We Belong Together” should have been played at my high school dance. Actually, I feel like it was.
3 & 1/2.) Everyone talks about how this is Mariah Carey’s comeback album, but is it really a comeback when what you’re coming back from is the revelation of the fact that you’re insane?
(And why does it seem that as a nation we have chosen to overlook the fact that Mariah Carey is insane? Whatever the reason is, is it the same reason we have chosen to overlook the fact that R. Kelly is a pedophile?)

* People who have now officially overstayed their welcome: The Black Eyed Peas, Teri Hatcher, Jamie Foxx.

* I think Kayne, Common and John Legend have formed the best hip hop posse of all time. I mean I’d love to hang out with any of those guys. Now if only they can find some way to ditch Jamie Foxx. Maybe they can pawn him off on Colin Farrell full time.

(Speaking of Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell, is the Miami Vice set like the Mecca of groupidom? Are groupies from all over the world taking holy pilgrimages there as we speak? And is there any conceivable way that the record for most groupies slept with in one film shoot has not already been obliterated by this point? I bet what’s going on in Miami right now makes the Oceans Twelve shoot look like the Steel Magnolias shoot by comparison.)

* Hey Keith Urban, Jon Bon Jovi called and he wants his persona back.

* How was “Numb/Encore” a hit and yet “The Grey Album” wasn’t even allowed to be released legally? How is this fair to humanity? Speaking of “The Grey Album”…hey look, its Jay-Z and Paul McCartney! Their live collaboration (if you can call it that) was cool because it was so shocking to see Paul McCartney appear in the middle of the song and because it was thrilling to see them together, but ultimately it didn’t work. Still though, cool to see Jay-Z wearing a John Lennon T-shirt

(Speaking of Jay-Z, how has "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" not been used in a Head and Shoulders commercial yet?)

* When you hear “Helter Skelter” unexpectedly and out of context of “The White Album”, it’s really shocking to consider the fact that it’s a Beatles song. And I also gotta give Paul props: “Fine Line” is a pretty darn good song. (Also not to be morbid, but it must be said: please God let Ringo die before Paul. Paul deserves to be the last one left.)

* If you combined Bono’s hat with Kanye’s glasses would the resulting coolness factor cause a new ice age? Would the person who could pull that look off make even Johnny Depp jealous? Do I occasionally engage in hyperbole?

* What would have happened if Kanye had lost Best Rap Album? Would he have immediately walked out of the building? Would he have run up on stage and snatched the Grammy out of the winners hand? Hell, none of the other nominees even bothered to show up, but still, part of me wishes he would have lost just so we could have found out what he would have done.

(While we’re on the subject of Kayne its worth noting that he never removed his sunglasses the entire night. That’s amazingly cool in my book. Somewhere Corey Hart is smiling. And by “somewhere” I mean the I-95 Exit 28 underpass.)

* With “Late Registration” winning Best Rap album that means Paul Wall has like 1/44th of a Grammy, which I guess makes him the most successful person to ever (allegedly) graduate from my high school.

(Just to get it out there before the inevitable Houston rap backlash of ’06 begins I'd like to go on record that I’ve not liked Houston hip hop much longer than everyone else has not liked Houston hip hop. In fact its kind of unfathomable to me that Houston hip hop has blown up nationally because I never knew anyone in Houston who ever thought the local hip hop scene was any good. In fact only two good things have ever come out of the Houston rap scene: “Tops Drop” by Fat Pat and “Wanna Be A Balla” by Lil’ Troy. Try to recall the biggest, most popular, most omnipresent song of your lifetime. (“Hey Ya” for example.) Well for two years in Houston “Wanna Be A Baller” was at least five times more popular than that song. I seriously think that 97.9 The Box was under strict orders to play it at least once every 10 minutes. And bare in mind that it’s a six minute long song. I think the best part of the whole thing is that no one had any idea what any of the lyrics were. Lil’ Troy makes Ma$e sound like Laurence Olivier when it comes to diction. I still have no idea what exactly the last part of the chorus is even though I’ve heard the song at least 250 times, easily. I’m pretty sure its “swisha roll tight, got sprayed in my eye”, but then again that doesn’t really make any sense. But what does really? And you have no idea what I’m talking about do you? But then again do you ever?)

(And while we are on the universally fascinating topic of the hip-hop scene from the city I grew up in, I had absolutely no idea until I came to college that doing cough syrup and the using the phrase “chunk the duce” were not national phenomenons but were instead “Houston things”. I can’t tell you how shocking this was to find out. This would be like coming to college and finding out that smoking cigarettes and saying the phrase “that’s cool” had been things that were only popular in your hometown. And just for the record “chunk the duce” is ridiculous dated slang. In high school it had already morphed with my friends and I into “chunkage” or just simply “duce”. And this was way back in 1998. And we were white. At least I think we were…)

* Back to Kanye for a minute…Even though it was off his last album, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I feel that “Last Call” is definitely the most underrated 12 minute long autobiographical rap song of the past few years. In fact, you could make the case that, in its own way, it’s the best thing Kanye has ever done.

* If one were to ever meet The Game how would one refer to him? I mean “Hey there The Game” sounds awkward but what else could you say instead? Mr. Game? “Guy Who Is Feuding and/or not Feuding with 50 Cent”? Simply “Game”? And if you were asking The Game if he was down to do some particular activity what would say? “Yo Game, you game?” I feel like Abbott and Costello would have a field day with this.

* Announcer: Please welcome Gwen Stefani.
   Me: No.

* Mary J. Blige and U2 is a match made in heaven. Although their duet wasn’t quite her "No More Drama" performance from 2001, it was still the performance of the night by far. Speaking of which…

Best 3 & 1/2 Performances of the Night:
1.) U2 & Mary J. Blige
2.) Bruce Springsteen
3.) Kanye West
3 & 1/2.) Paul McCartney

* On to the awards…

Best New Artist goes to…John Legend. It would not be humanly possible for me to care less.

Song the Year goes to…U2! Wow the best nominee actually won. Shocking!

Record of the Year goes to…Green Day! Man, these Grammy are going great so far. The Grammy people have gotten the three major categories right so far. Has that ever happened before? Ever?

Album of the Year goes to…U2? Gotta say I’m conflicted about that one. I’m one of the biggest U2 fans in the world, but Kayne was robbed. He not only had the best album nominated but he actually had the best album of the year and one of the best albums so far this millennium. U2’s album was AT BEST only their 4th best album and you could make a case for it being ranked as low as 7th. If you can argue that an album is a band’s 7th best album then there’s no way it should be beating one of the best albums of the millennium. Still, Bono handled the whole thing amazingly. That is why he is God. And if Kanye had to lose to someone at least it was U2.

(Still I worry about Bono’s proclamation that Kanye will be next. It sure seems that way, but you never know when the magic will run out. A few years ago it seemed like an inevitability that Eminem would win Album of the Year some day. But after his unexpected recent artistic implosion of epic proportions it now seems very unlikely he ever will. So it’s with cautious optimism I say to Kanye, “you’ll get ‘em next time”. )



Thought of the Week: How would the world be different if rats looked like bunny rabbits?