Grammys 2017: Adele's Revenge

Who gives a damn about a Grammy? Other than Chance the Rapper hopefully no one. But what I DO give a damn about is the Grammys telecast. It’s great! Sometimes for the wrong reasons, but whatever! I love watching it. So, as always, here are some thoughts on each of this years performances: 

Adele (Hello)

“Heeeellllooooooo from 12 months ago” - Adele

Nothing like showing how you have your finger on the pulse of music like starting your music awards show out with a song from 2015. Keep up the good work Grammys!

James Cordon opening

James Cordon is the best case scenario for a musical theater kid.

The Weeknd

The Weeknd is the best case scenario for selling out.

Also, The Weeknd is great in any situation, but definitely the situation The Weeknd is best in is when Drake cancels on your awards show last minute.

Keith Urban/Country Music Barbie

Is this country music is now??? If so I guess it’s true what they say: one generation’s dance-influenced guitar pop is the next generation’s country music. 

Either that or genre is now officially dead.

Ed Sheeran

Fun game I like to play: Former Harry Potter Actor or Ed Sheeran

Fun fact that is definitely true: No one over the age of 26 can name a single Ed Sheeran song

Fun thing to watch on The Grammys: Not this performance

Lukas Graham/Kelsea Ballerini

It’s been fun not knowing you Kelsea Ballerini. Best of luck with everything.

HOT TAKE SO HOT THAT IT’S ON FIRE: “7 Years” is a good song and I enjoy it.

(Feels good to get that off my chest)

Beyonce

In retrospect Destiny’s Child is the most fitting name possible for a young-Beyonce fronted group. This Beyonce is where the last 20 years of popular music have been building to. If 1998 Lauryn Hill, 2008 Lady Gaga, and 2010 Kanye had a daughter, that daughter would want to be 2016/17 Beyonce when she grows up.

Having the platform, permission, vision, and talent to give this performance is really the final level possible of popular artistic success. Clearly Beyonce is there and it’s awesome to see. But mostly I just enjoy how Solange Beyonce is now.

Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars paradoxes:

-Bruno Mars remains somehow both incredibly overrated and incredibly underrated at the same time.

-Bruno Mars is one of the most charismatic performers in history, yet also somehow has no discernible personality.

-Pretty much everyone would agree that a Bruno Mars concert seems like it would be awesome, yet I doubt there’s a single person I know who would ever actually want to go to one.

Bruno Mars remains a great live performer and an even greater enigma, and the Earth will now die and crash into the sun before The Grammys will ever again happen without a Bruno Mars performance.

Katy Perry

I don't know if its acceptable to ironically love Katy Perry yet or not, but regardless, I audibly expressed excitement when her performance was introduced. Listening to new Katy Perry singles is my heroin. I know I’ll never get back that original high of “Teenage Dream” but I’m addicted to trying anyway. It just makes me feel so good inside. And it will somehow probably lead to my death.

Also, how quietly Katy Perry is winning the Perry/Swift civil war is so Katy Perry. And as much as I like Taylor Swift I’m gonna be one of the first people off the boats at Normandy

Gary Clark Jr.

Gary, you're great and I'm sure that was lovely, but I gotta be honest, I was still Perry drunk for your whole performance.

Alicia Keys/Maren Morris

I feel like we as a society have failed Alicia Keys. She’s some parallel universe’s Beyonce.

And I had no real idea who Maren Morris was coming into tonight but I have a strong feeling her album sales just picked up significantly. So way to Ricky Martin that thing Maren!

Adele (George Michael tribute)

In an existential twist, messing up made that way better than it would have been had everything gone according to plan. (Wake up sheep! Adele’s Sound Issues were an inside job!)

And the in-the-moment confusion over how much of Adele’s post-song emotion was about George Michael and how much was about the restart is why there's still nothing quite like watching live TV.

Lady Gaga/Metallica

Wow Lady Gaga’s country phase sure just took a dramatic turn.

Pretty sure Lady Gaga is the first person to perform on the Grammys with both Metallica and Tony Bennett, but I’ll have to check on that. All I know is I’m looking forward to next year when she performs with Wu-Tang Clan.

Sturgill Simpson

Dwight Yoakum introducing Sturgill Simpson feels even more on the nose than Beyonce being introduced by her own mother.

After that performance Sturgill Simpson easily retains his title as My All-Time Favorite Live Performer That I Had Never Even Heard of Two Months Ago. Also there's literally nothing in life The Dap-Kings don’t make better.

The Bee Gees Tribute

I know that literally no one in the world needed or wanted that, but hey, good news, Little Big Town covering “How Deep Is Your Love” is now the official theme song of CBS. So there’s that.

A Tribe Called Quest and Friends

My review

1st Half: ….honestly? Kind of a mess.

2nd Half: ALL THE FIRE EMOJIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you kick it? I’m pretty sure you just did. The ONLY bright side to the next four years is the hope that we might get to experience even more shit like that.

Prince Tribute

Bruno Mars and The Time doing the Grammys' Prince Tribute is the occam’s razor of Prince tributes. It also feels like the last word. Although I also think we’d all be totally fine with just continuing to do Prince tributes forever.

Chance the Rapper

There was a 100% chance that was going to be transcendently great and indeed it was. I don’t believe in God, but Chance the Rapper is so great that he makes me think that I do.

John Legend/Cynthia Erivo

HOT TAKE SO HOT IT CAN MELT STEEL BEAMS: I’m over awards shows doing solemn In Memoriam segments.

Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!! James Cordon thought he could upstage Neil Portnow with his Neil Portnow intro but NOTHING CAN UPSTAGE NEIL PORTNOW! 

Real talk: At this point I legitimately don’t know if my excitement about Neil Portnow is even ironic anymore. This is my cry for help.

The fact that The Grammys ended the performance section of the night with In Memoriam and Neil Portnow

#ThatsSoGrammy

Grammys 2016

Yes, the Grammys are a dumb pointless out-of-touch awards show, but they're also a fantastic night for televised live music performances. It's always my favorite TV watching night of the year, and this year was no exception. So who cares who won or lost, let's run through what really matters - each of the performances in order:

Taylor Swift

You know what’s NOT out of the woods? Taylor Swift’s singing ability. But at least she was able to come up with a great concept for the performance - singing "Out of the Woods" while literally emerging from a darkened area full of trees. I mean, where does she come up with this stuff???

Well, the good thing about being Taylor Swift at The Grammys is you know there's always next year.

Sam Hunt & Carrie Underwood

Close your eyes and imagine how a person named Sam Hunt would dress for their Grammy performance. Now open them - you were exactly right!

Speaking of appearances, interesting to see that country music dealt with losing Taylor Swift by making Carrie Underwood look just like her. “Maybe no one will notice it's a different person!”

Anyway, totally unmemorable performance by Country Music Ken and Barbie.

The Weeknd

You know who would absolutely hate The Weeknd’s 2016 Grammy performance? 2012 The Weeknd.

Before performing a serious stripped down ballad at the Grammys, it's always important to ask yourself “Am I Adele?” If the answer is no then do something else. In The Weeknd’s case maybe try doing one of the songs that got you here and represent what you do best. Or, ya know, the exact opposite of that.

Andrea Day & Ellie Goulding

“Hey, I know, let’s follow a guy standing around singing an unmemorable ballad in an unmemorable way with two women doing the exact same thing! That’ll be a real Grammy Moment!”

I fell asleep at some point so I missed the exact name of that song, but I’m pretty sure it was called “Polite Applause”.

Lionel Ritchie tribute

Wow an overly-long, bland, inoffensive Lionel Ritchie tribute - or as it's known on CBS, Monday night.

A few other thoughts:

-If the Grammys aesthetic could be distilled down to a single person, that person would be John Legend.

-Holy shit, Demi Lovato isn't Vanessa Hudgens! Who knew?

-Luke Bryan honoring Lionel Ritchie is one of those ideas that sounds ridiculous in theory, but is also ridiculous in practice.

-They would have let Luke Bryan sing longer but they didn't want his cruise ship to leave without him.

Little Big Town

"Hey look, country music can be just as boring as stuffy as “real” music!"

Everything you need to know about country music is that there's a big division in the industry between people who think "Girl Crush" is controversial and people who think it's clever, when in fact it's not remotely either. I do however like Little Big Town’s follow-up single, “He Gets It In The Butt” about the dangers of cigarette smoking.

The Eagles

Wait, which one of these people died again? Jackson Browne?

Nice performance by wax sculpture versions of the Eagles, but maybe next time program them to take it little less easy. Pretty sure they took that “I’m standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona” line a bit too literally this time. But it did wind up being a great PSA for prescription sleep-aid abuse. So that's nice.

Tori Kelly & James Bay

“Shhh, we don’t want to wake up The Eagles…”

Hamilton

HAMILTON HAMILTON HAMILTON! IN CASE OF HAMILTON PLEASE BREAK GLASS!!! 

YES THE SONG WAS SLOWED DOWN TOO MUCH, AND YES EVERYONE LOOKED SLIGHTLY NERVOUS, AND YES “MY SHOT” AND “SCHUYLER SISTERS” ARE BETTER AWARDS SHOW SONGS BUT THEY’RE SAVING THEM FOR THE TONYS, BUT WHO CARES, HOLY SHIT IT’S HAMILTON!

As a theater person through and through I never thought I would see the day that a pop music awards show would be desperate to steal some of musical theater’s mojo, yet here we are. It’s a real shame the cast recording wasn't nominated for Album of the Year, but still, Lin-Miranda got contemporary musical theater onto the Grammy telecast. How lucky were are to be alive right now. 

And now, in the immortal words of The Beastie Boys, no sleep til The Tony Awards.

Kendrick Lamar

THAT is why I tune into this ridiculous award show every year. Because every once in awhile something singular and visionary and incredible like that will slip through the cracks. And when it does, it feels like magic. It feels like an event. Like one of those “Moments” that the Grammys are so obsessed with talking about. But the lesson here is, as always, instead of trying to force a big Moment or manufacture them by committee, you just have to give an incredible artist with something to say the resources and space to execute their vision, and then get out of the way.

No one loves Kanye West more than me, but I really hope he was watching Kendrick because he could really learn something from that performance. We all could. The rest of the Grammys was entertainment; Kendrick made art.

Adele

There’s apparently no truth to the rumor that Taylor Swift was in charge of the audio for Adele’s performance. But even with all the sound issues, it's amazing that Adele was able to take the exact thing that has been so boring all night - people standing motionless singing overly-serious stripped-down ballads - and make it utterly captivating. 

Also, do you think Adele already has her 2017 speech ready? If I were her I would just keep some spare acceptance speeches in my purse at all times - never know when you might need one. 

Justin Bieber

I think I kinda…really liked that? Making a song overly serious and epic at the Grammys actually really worked for once. Is Jack U the new U2? Is Justin Bieber our new Bono? What world is this?

David Bowie tribute

Great performance by David Bowie’s Wikipedia Page!

On the one hand, if the Grammys had just said “Ladies and Gentlemen: Lady Gaga” and stopped right there, that would have been the best David Bowie tribute they could have possibly done. But on the other hand, at least they can now be sure that David Bowie is actually dead, because if he wasn't before, that tribute definitely killed him.

BB King tribute

Now THAT is how you pay tribute to someone. I want to buy music from every single person involved in that. 

Chris Stapleton paying tribute to BB King is one of those ideas that sounds ridiculous in theory, but is actually awesome in practice. And man, Bonnie Raitt, that was some Melissa Etheridge/Janis Joplin-tribute level shit right there. 

Well done all around!

Alabama Shakes

Man, Brittany Howard, that was some Melissa Etheridge/Janis Joplin-tribute level shit right there!

Excited that in Alabama Shakes, The Grammys have finally found their new Foo Fighters. I would listen to Brittany Howard sing literally anything.

Hollywood Vampires

“It’s music’s biggest night! We’re here to honor the very best in music! Now here’s a performance by Johnny Depp’s vanity band!”

That was offensive to me, but for absolutely none off the reasons The Hollywood Vampires wanted it to be. I mean I know Alice Cooper wanted some stage time to work on his Johnny Depp impression, but it would have been so much easier for them to just crash two small trains together and get it over with.

Pitbull

I have a lot of questions including: What? Why? Who? and How?

Remember the year that Arcade Fire won Album of the Year and then celebrated by playing another song to close the show? Serious question: why does that not happen every year? Just tell the five nominees to have a second song ready to go in case they win and then that song would close the show every year. It would be a cool tradition, and keep viewers tuned in til the very end. It's a perfect idea, which means instead, Pitbull will close the show every year form here on out. Which leads me to close this with the official motto of the Grammys: “Ugh”

Grammys 2015, or I Think They've Given Up

I wasn't going to watch the Grammys this year but then I heard LL Cool J was hosting and I was like “sign me up!” Like nearly all Americans I just can’t get enough of musical superstar and acting great LL Cool J. And the fact that he would be attached to my favorite yearly TV event and the worlds most nonsensical and meaningless awards show, well, how could I resist?!?

As always, I know no one cares about or even watches the Grammys, but still, I love writing about it every year, so indulge me my thoughts here on each performance. Or dont. Whatever. This blog is free.

AC/DC
Even people at an AD/DC concert don’t want to hear a new AC/DC song but, hey, great way to kick off the Grammys!

Oh wait, now there are plastic light up devil horns for the crowd to wear? This NIGHT might be on a highway to hell…

(Also, has there ever been a less necessary cutaway than the cutaway to Dave Grohl banging his head to AC/DC? Dave Grohl is a Tenacious D character at this point.)

Ariana Grande
“Coming up next: A performance by Ariana Grande as you've never seen her before.”
So, a regular Ariana Grande performance then?

If the old adage is true that every generation gets the Mariah Carey they deserve, then this generation is fucked.

Tom Jones/Jessie J
Oh awesome, its 1963 Best Picture winner and charming British sex farce Tom Jones! Wait…never mind…it’s just some old dude. And Jessie J. Carry on then.

Also, STOP TRYING TO MAKE JESSIE J HAPPEN.

Miranda Lambert
I was raised on mainstream commercial country music, but usually country music performances at the Grammys mean its time for a bathroom break. That was pretty great though. That being said, was that even country music? I mean, what IS country music anymore? What is anything really? What is life? Why am I here? Is human existence even real? Is Miranda Lambert married to that judge from The Voice? So many questions raised by this performance.

Kanye
KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE

KANYE WEST IS PERFORMING ON LIVE TV. I NEED AN ALERT ON MY ON MY PHONE FOR WHEN KANYE DOES ANYTHING ON TV EVER. AWARDS SHOW KANYE IS THE BEST KANYE. THIS IS THE BEST KANYE. IT IS HAPPENING NOW. KANYE IS KANYE-ING.

THIS SONG IS GROWING ON ME. MAXIMALIST KAYNE IS MY FAVORITE KANYE BUT MINIMALIST KANYE IS GOING TO BE FASCINATING TOO.

WAIT NO KANYE IS ENDING. DONT END KAYNE.

LEGIT CHILLS WHEN KANYE LEFT AND THERE WAS JUST THAT BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING UP TO HEAVEN. BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING UP TO HEAVEN 2016!

Kayne is gone.

Madonna
Madonna doesn't get near enough credit for still being around and still being semi-relevant. Do you realize Madonna's debut album came out just three years after U2’s debut album. And yet people are still trying to pirate her music rather than bitching when they get it for free. And here she is performing a brand new song at the Grammys and it's enjoyable and people are into it (suck it AC/DC).

Anyway, good job Madonna. Hope you keep on keepin’ on.

Ed Sheeran
If the old adage is true that every generation gets the John Mayer they deserve, then this generation is doing great!

ELO
ELO is performing on The Grammys! I don't know why they're here, no explanation was given, but who cares, it's ELO!

OMG Paul McCartney was just clapping along with "Mr. Blue Sky". That's peak ELO! Jeff Lynne probably just came a little.

If you have one negative thing to say about this performance or ELO in general, stop reading this blog right now and never come back because you are a garbage person.

This is music's biggest night!!!!

Gwen Stefani/Adam Levine
To go from ELO to Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani is like going from winning the lottery to having a bird shit on your head.

Based on the evidence so far at The Grammys what kids are into these days is “songs that are boring”.

Wait, are Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani even people that the kids are into? Who is this supposed to be appealing to? I don't know anything anymore.

Hozier/Annie Lennox
Is the reason Hozier is so desperate to get to church is because he needs to pray for forgiveness for that performance?

I’m sorry. That was mean. I apologize for that Gotye. Or Hozier. Whoever you are. Anyway, congrats on the long illustrious career ahead of you.

Hey, speaking of long illustrious careers…Annie Lennox ladies and gentlemen!

Pharrell
Hans Zimmer playing electric guitar! A classical pianist! Choir singers in the aisles playing tambourines! Pharrell wearing a DIFFERENT funny hat! THIS is why the Grammys exist and what makes them great. Performers really trying something, risking looking ridiculous, and being awesome both despite and because of it.

Sadly, not nearly enough performances like that this year.

Obama
No! Obama, what are you doing?!?!? Don't come out against violence against women and girls. Now Republicans are going to SUPPORT violence against women and girls simply out of spite. Thanks for nothing Obummer.

(BTW Grammys, nice sentiment, but you do know you nominated Chris Brown for an award tonight right?)

Katy Perry
That was very good and powerful and the exact opposite of her equally awesome Super Bowl show and also unlike anything that Beyonce would ever use her performance time for. And don't even try and argue that she would, because you're wrong and you know it. I’m ride or die #TeamPerry.

(After that performance is maybe not the place to bring this up, but how amazing would it have been if Katy Perry had brought Left Shark as her date to The Grammys? Is there anything in awards show history that would have broken the internet more than that? Just a HUGE missed opportunity)

Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett
This is Neil Portnow’s wet dream. I’m sure he’s backstage pleasuring himself right now in fact. This performance should really just be the main picture at the top of the Grammys wikipedia page.

In all seriousness though, props to Lady Gaga for recognizing that her lane was being taken over from all sides and realizing that "normal" was the absolute weirdest place left to go. This is her version of normcore, and it’s pretty brilliant.

Stevie Wonder/Usher
Instead of honoring Stevie Wonder by having Usher sing why didn't they just have a bird shit on his head?

Eric Church
Ok, so, good year for country performances at the Grammys and Eric Church seems great, but what the hell was he trying to convey with those projections? Was he supporting the protesters who were fighting to change their hometowns? The whole point of the song seems to be anti-changing-your-hometown, but maybe the song is like his "Born in The USA" and I just need to listen to the lyrics more closely? I mean he couldn't be protesting against the protesters could he? It sure seems like maybe he is though? I dunno. It was a more muddled message than American Sniper, but still, I kinda dug it regardless.

Kanye/Paul/Rihanna
KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE

KANYE IS BACK (with Paul McCartney and some lady)

THIS IS GOING TO WIN ALL OF THE GRAMMYS NEXT YEAR. YOU CANT HAVE ANY GRAMMYS ADELE KANYE AND PAUL HAVE THEM ALL. IM KINDA WORRIED KANYE MIGHT BE ENTERING HIS “I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU” PERIOD BUT IM STILL GENERALLY OPTIMISTIC. DONT EVER DOUBT KANYE. KANYE CAN GET Paul McCartney TO STAND OFF THE SIDE OF THE STAGE WITH HIS MIC TURNED OFF WHILE KANYE PERFORMS. THAT IS THE POWER OF KANYE. KANYE DONT EVER STOP. EVER.

Sam Smith/Mary J. Blige
That was as good as I hoped it would be, but I really wish they'd let him perform on his own. If he’s big enough to be up for, and likely win, most of the major awards of the night then he should be big enough not to need a co-performer. Adele got to perform completely by herself her big Grammy year. And if the old adage is true that every generation gets the Adele that they deserve, then this generation is going to be pretty much exactly the same as the last one.

Sia
Its a shame Sia will never be at the Grammys again because I really want to see what her next gimmick would be. I know people are getting a little tired of her shtick, but I don't actually think its shtick and I really cant get enough of it. In a pop era in which everyone is trying to out-weird each other Sia is doing legit performance art that comes from a genuine place. I support it and I love that something like that was just on CBS.

Beck/Chris Martin
This performance is happening as I write this sentence and yet somehow I already don’t remember it. I love Beck, but him winning Album of the Year for an album featuring this song is like if Martin Scorsese had finally won his Oscar for “Hugo”

Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW NEIL PORTNOW NEIL PORTNOW HOLY SHIT ITS NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!!!

SERIOUS QUESTION WHEN NEIL PORTNOW DIES DO THE GRAMMYS END FOREVER BECAUSE THE EARTH WILL IMPLODE AND ALL HUMAN LIFE WILL CEASE OR IS NEIL PORTNOW IMMORTAL? IM PRAYING THAT IMMORTALITY IS THE ANSWER. SERIOUS QUESTION TWO WHEN NEIL PORTNOW COMES ON STAGE DOES EVEN PRINCE STAND AND LOSE HIS SHIT? HE MUST RIGHT? TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF SUCH A POWERFUL SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT MAN IT MUST BE LIKE STARING INTO THE SUN. NEIL PORTNOW IS A GOLDEN GOD. NEVER CHANGE NEIL PORTNOW. NEVER.

Beyonce
Yeah, yeah, we get it Beyonce, you're a serious artist who can really sing. Good for you. But unless you're Adele or Sam Smith we don’t tune into the Grammys to watch people standing stationary singing songs we don’t know. This is not entertaining.

My Beyonce antipathy runs deep.

John/Legend Common
That was fine and the song is good and important but THATS YOUR GRAND FINALE?!? WTF Grammys? What the hell were you thinking? That was neither grand nor finale-like. Rather than going out with a bang The Grammys thought it would be better to leave people thinking “wait, was that the end?” This would have never happened if Neil Portnow was still alive.

Miscellaneous thoughts:
- I would pay good money for a five minute recording that was just different British people saying “Capitol Records”

- Anyone who thought for a second that Beyonce was winning Album of the Year knows nothing about the Grammys. I thought Sam Smith was winning, but Beck winning for Morning Phase was also super Grammy of them. Those were the only two possible options.

- “Stay With Me” was a lock for Song and Record of the Year. It couldn't have been more of a lock if Neil Portnow recorded it himself. And that's fine. It's a good song, it will never be embarrassing that it won, and it will hold up well. The Grammys have done WAY worse.

- Serious question: Is Prince the most popular living celebrity? Like if every celebrity in the world was in a room would Prince command the most attention and respect? Ever since Michael Jackson died it’s been unclear who our biggest celebrity is, but maybe now its Prince?

- RIP Pharrell’s hat. The Grammys giveth and the Grammys taketh away. This is like how Shakespeare died on his birthday.

- Why did they give out the biggest award of the night with 45 minutes left in the show? Its like if the Oscars gave out Best Picture then did a dance number and gave out Best Director and Best Original Screenplay. It makes no sense. Its like the ultimate admission by The Grammys that their awards are a ridiculous farce. Speaking of which…

- I love how the music started playing 30 seconds into the winners’ speeches. The message seemed to be “Get off the stage, people we’re ostensibly here to honor! Don’t you realize this whole thing is a total sham!”

- Come back soon Adele. A nation turns its bored eyes to you.

Daft and Punk'd: The Grammys 2014

The Grammys are insane and might very well be nothing more than one very long, cruel practical joke so here, read my breakdown of every single performance and the four major awards at the Grammys! Enjoy!

Beyonce and Jay-Z

“To kick off the Grammys…here’s a person not nominated for any individual Grammys tonight! So give a warm Grammy welcome to Beyonce and a disoriented old man!”

Nothing makes me happier than the fact that in Obama’s America the person who sang the National Anthem at the Presidential Inauguration is the same person who got bleeped at the Grammys while having sex with a chair. I may generally have mixed feelings about Beyonce, but I’m becoming more and more pro-Beyonce by the minute.

Lorde

#2014

Think piece idea: the embrace of minimalism in music by children of The Great Recession

Think piece idea II: the children are our future – not such a bad thing?

While Lorde may want to be called Queen Bee, I prefer to call her Fiona Apple. Also, is epilepsy a thing now? It’s so hard to keep up with what the kids are into these days.

Hunter Hayes

True story: Mark David Chapman only shot John Lennon so he wouldn’t have to live to see his quotes projected during a Hunter Hayes performance at the Grammys. It’s just a shame there was no one present in the building who cared about protecting John Lennon’s legacy. (Yoko Ono burn!)

Anyway, the fastest possible way to get me to leave the room to use the bathroom is to utter the sentence “Next up a powerful new ballad by Hunter Hayes”, but from what I caught of it I’m just glad someone finally had the courage and originality to write a song promoting the idea that the listener is special and has the power to overcome adversity. About time we had a song like that.

Katy Perry

I want to take Lady Gaga and rub her nose in Katy Perry’s performance while yelling “bad dog” until she feels bad about what she’s done.

I’m generally powerless to resist a good Katy Perry song, but it says everything about Katy Perry that the part of her performance she appeared to put the least amount of thought and energy into was the singing. And it was maybe a little too on the nose to set that performance in the pits of hell. But whatever, Juicy J was on the Grammys. I just hope when Katy Perry grows up she can be more like Lorde.

Chicago /Robin Thicke

Quiz: without cheating name a member of Chicago

While we’re doing quizzes, here’s a good ol’ SAT-style analogy

Grammys : VMAs :: Robin Thicke and Chicago : Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus

I don’t really know what my point is necessarily other than to say that anyone who thought the Miley Cyrus performance was the end of civilization as we know it should really watch that Chicago performance and then tell me which civilization seems more fun to live in. And I say this as someone who owns three Chicago albums.

Keith Urban/Gary Clark Jr.

Remember when pre-mainstream-fame Mumford and Sons got to perform with Bob Dylan at the Grammys? Gary Clark Jr. performing on the Grammys with Keith Urban is the exact opposite of that. By which I mean I’m really looking forward to bouncing my grandkids on my knee one day and telling them about the time I wasted five minutes of my life watching Gary Clark Jr. suffer through a Keith Urban song.

John Legend

Has anyone ever seen John Legend NOT at the Grammys? Pretty sure he lives at the Staples Center. And while the last 20 years may have seen the invention of the Internet and the iPhone, if John Legend is our Stevie Wonder then we have failed miserably as a people.

Taylor Swift

Not sure if Taylor Swift was performing at the Grammys or filming a shampoo commercial, but either way I thought it was pretty good. That being said, we take you seriously now Taylor. You can let the mean comments about that time you sang with Stevie Nicks go now. It would be cool next year for stage-Taylor Swift to be more like audience-Taylor Swift

Pink featuring Nate Ruess

Remember that time we tuned into a Cirque du Soleil show and a Pink concert broke out? By which I mean every awards show ever.

Fun fact: there was a shark in that audience that Pink just flew over
(Speaking of jumping the shark: Nate Ruess’ mustache)

Seriously though, I think Pink is a great performer and everything a pop star should be, I just wish she would get some new tricks already.

Ringo Starr

Good thing the Beatles’ legacy is literally impossible to soil because all I could think during that performance was "don’t let Ringo outlive Paul, don’t let Ringo outlive Paul…"

But really, please don’t let Ringo outlive Paul.

(Also, after that performance I feel certain that Pete Best is on even higher suicide watch than usual)

Kendrick Lamar/Imagine Dragons

I’m pretty sure Kendrick Lamar has never listened to an Imagine Dragons song, and I’m pretty sure their joint performance was a bit of a train wreck, but I’m also pretty sure I kind of loved it. And when during Kendrick’s last verse it appeared smoke was coming out of his microphone, well, that was totally apt.

For better or worse it’s performances like that that you can only get at the Grammys. They’re the whole reason we (and by “we” I mean I) tune in.

Kacey Musgraves

What if instead of having the Grammys we just had a Kacey Musgraves concert? Would anyone be opposed?

Two more Kacey Musgraves points:

1. I like Taylor Swift, but when Kacey Musgraves won Best Country Album I shouted SUCK IT TAYLOR SWIFT!!! Now Kacey has beaten Taylor and the circle of life begins anew.

2. Ten years from now nothing about these Grammys is going to seem dumber than the fact that Kacey Musgraves didn’t win Best New Artist.

(Are my Texas roots showing yet?)

Paul McCartney

I am an ardent and unabashed fan of Paul McCartney’s solo work but I think it’s telling that the only person they could get a shot of singing and dancing along enthusiastically to Paul’s song was his wife.

(Yoko Ono doesn’t count because it’s unclear if she was singing and dancing along or if she was just being Yoko Ono (Yoko Ono burn!))

Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard and Blake Shelton

Don’t know if it says more abot the Grammys or about hipsterdom that the hippest performance at the Grammys was Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, and Merle Haggard. But gold star to whoever decided to cut almost exclusively to shots of rappers during it. Says a lot that Jamie Foxx seemed more into Merle Haggard than Taylor Swift and Taylor Swifts Dancing Friend did.

Daft Punk featuring everyone who is awesome

Okay, that made the whole night worth it. It was just as great as anyone could have predicted that it would be. Apparently when you get truly great people together to perform a truly great song great things happen. Who knew?

Sara Bareillis/Carol King

Did this happen? Was this a thing that happened? I have no idea if this actually happened or not. I might have dozed off.

Bruno Mars

While I was asleep I must have missed Bruno Mars’ performance. I mean this was the Grammys after all. You can’t have a Grammys without the Grammy mascot. There’s no way they would allow that. Right??? I’m sure he must have performed, so it’s a shame I missed my annual five minutes of being a huge Bruno Mars fan. Oh well. Back to complete and total indifference towards all things Bruno Mars. Til next year Bruno Mars…

Metallica/Lang Lang

The Grammys are Willie Nelson performing with Blake Shelton and the Grammys are also Metallica performing with classical pianist Lang Lang. The Grammys are all things. The Grammys contain multitudes. So once the shock of seeing Metallica on CBS wore off I realized that the performance was actually thoroughly Grammys, no matter how atypical the Metallica part of it appeared. In the end I’m not sure how I felt about it as a performance, but I’m glad it happened and that I saw it. Long live the Grammys!

“Same Love”

I’ll try and keep this brief…

As someone who considers Eminem performing on the Grammys with Elton John a seminal moment of his adolescence I had been looking forward to the performance of “Same Love” on the Grammys for months now because I recognized it’s potential to be a similar moment for a new generation. And in the end it exceeded even my highest expectations.

I don’t know that it’ll be a cultural moment of the magnitude that Eminem’s performance was, but I think that’s more due to the fractured nature of our culture than the performance itself. Because in the end, it was a performance that perfectly captured the power of music, and its possibilities as an agent of love and hope and change. Now I know snark and the Grammys go hand and hand (I mean, have you read everything up until now?) but if you have negative snarky things to say about this performance please stop reading my blog forever and go take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. And anyone who thinks the Grammys are a pointless waste of time needs to watch this performance and then shut the hell up forever.

Neil Portnow

NEIL PORTNOW!!! I LOVE THAT NEIL PORTNOW THINKS WE REMEMBER EXACT DETAILS OF HIS SPEECH FROM LAST YEAR. BECAUSE WE TOTALLY DO!!!! HOW COULD WE EVER FORGET YOUR SPEECHES NEIL PORTNOW?? YOU ARE THE HIGHLIGHT OF OUR LIFE! THAT’S WHY IT’S GREAT YOU POSITIONED YOURSELF RIGHT AFTER THE EMOTIONAL HIGH POINT OF THE EVENING. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE EMOTIONAL HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR!!!! NEVER CHANGE NEIL PORTNOW

Everly Brothers tribute

I wish I could go back in time to 1994 and try to explain to people how not weird it will seem when one day the lead singer of Green Day performs an Everly Brothers tribute at the Grammys. Who knew at the time what a pivotal song “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” would wind up being. Or maybe I just missed something and playing acoustic guitar with Miranda Lambert is the new punk.

Lindsey Buckingham, Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl, and Queens of the Stone Age

This was great but also seemed like it never really had a chance to get started. Right when it finally felt like it had some real momentum they cut to the credits. Which whenever you have a rocking performance that seems like it could really invigorate the whole evening it’s best to play the closing credits over it. Great job Grammys! Speaking of which….

THE  BIG FOUR AWARDS

(Okay so this first one wasn’t so great…)

Best New Artist

“Macklemore and Ryan Lewis meet the rap group Arrested Development. Arrested Development, meet Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.”

(Speaking of introductions, can a clip of Anna Kendrick wearing that dress while doing clever comedy bits play on a loop forever? Asking for a friend.)

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(But these next three awards…I mean you could make a legitimate case that these are the actual song, record, and album of the year. Not an embarassing choice among them, and in all three cases the best choice out of all of the nominees. Of course all this means is that next year all of the awards are going to go to Bruno Mars and Phil Collins.)

Song of the Year

The Grammys not giving Song of the Year to “Same Love”, the most Grammys song ever, is the most Grammy thing ever. If a white rapper collaborating with a female vocalist and live instrumentation for a positive song about human rights can’t win a Grammy then what can? An ever better song by a hip young outsider dabbling in a genre all her own, challenging the mainstream status quo?? It’s like I don’t even know you any more Grammys!

Record of the Year

Daft Punk remaining in character to receive their awards was the highlight of the night and will do way more for their sales, popularity, and notoriety with the public at large than reading a list of names could have done in a million years. Lady Gaga is so pissed that she’s not Daft Punk. And unlike Lady Gaga there’s a zero percent chance the popularity and success of this Daft Punk song will ever seem dumb.

Album of the Year

Well, we now live in a world where Daft Punk have won a Grammy for Album of the Year. We’ve come a long way since Vaughn Meader. I’d also just like to say that I called this one back in June. If I had bet money I would be a wealthy man. But also betting money on the Grammys is the ultimate form of insanity. So there’s that.

But with this win, here are the past four Album of the Year winners: Arcade Fire (The Suburbs), Adele (21), Mumford and Sons (Babel), and Daft Punk (Random Access Memories). No embarrassing clunkers in the lot and all albums that had real connection to the trends and popular music scenes of their day. Large numbers of people under the age of 40 own and enjoy each of those albums. And I know some people aren’t big on Mumford and Sons but each of those albums could make a legitimate claim as the best album of their respective years. I don’t know if it’s an extended fluke or a real trend. But it’s encouraging and I profoundly hope it continues. And on that note I’m now off to come to terms with Beyonce winning next year because it’s going to take me a whole year to be emotionally ready for it.

The 2012 Adele's

As someone who can vividly recall every Grammys ceremony since 1997, I don't know if theres ever been a less suspenseful telecast than this year (except perhaps the year of the Santana sweep). And as the last living American who actually cares about the results of the Grammy Awards it felt good. Two years in a row now the Grammys have (very arguably) chosen the actual best album of the year for Album of the Year. Leaving aside the fact that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy wasn't even nominated for Album of the Year (which is a whole other issue, but that's for another time), it might actually be starting to seem like there is some sort of internal logic to the Grammys. Or I could be slowly going insane. But the very first time I heard 21 I thought "this will win a shit ton of Grammys". And it did! And that was true in nearly every category this year. The most obvious Grammy-friendly nominee wound up winning almost every time. And the fact that many of them were actually the most deserving nominees was an extra bonus.

But ultimately it doesn't matter.

Because the Grammys have always been the anti-Oscars. No cares about the awards; we all just watch for the entertainment value of the show itself. When talking about the Grammys it's never about who won or lost but how they played the game. "The game" of course being "performing great live musical numbers". And this year, they played (mostly) great as always. But before moving on to thoughts on each of the night's performances there are a few stray comments I had:

-LL Cool J was totally useful and necessary

-I'm really curious to see how the ratings are for this year's show because I feel like with Whitney Houston's death they could be off the charts. If you have to die (and we all do) I think we've now learned that the absolute best time to do it is the day before your industry's biggest awards show. Although I do wonder how things would have been different if she had died the SAME DAY as The Grammys. That would have been insane. And here I am looking at a human life and a great tragedy solely through the lens of how it effects a meaningless awards show. But one of my first thoughts when I heard the news of her death was, "well, I guess we know who is getting the final slot in the death montage tomorrow night". Which is awful. And also human.

Welcome to perspective in the age of twitter.

On a related note...

-Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt what were you DOING?!? Singing a tribute song that’s not by Whitney Houston??? Who is this Etta James person? Did she just die yesterday? I don’t think so! So why are you honoring her? How could Neil Portnow let this happen?

-Kanye is not at The Grammys??? That’s like Taylor Swift not being at the Country Music Awards. Is it some kind of protest? Yes everyone would agree he got egregiously shafted this year. And yes it must especially hurt since MBDTF was clearly designed specifically to win awards and critical approval. But even Stevie Wonder and Norah Jones collaborating on a Paul Simon tribute album released two days before he died in a terrible car accident wasn’t beating Adele this year so who really cares?

So where were you Kanye? Don’t even try to act like you had something better to do. A nation (specifically me) demands answers!

-In the upset of the evening, Adele’s speaking voice is even better than her singing voice! She should give speeches always. I havent enjoyed a person's Britishness that much since Amy Winehouse won Record of the Year for "Rehab". (BTW, gold star to whoever decided to sit Adele literally 3 steps from the stage)

-Text of the Night: (from my friend Chris on the strangeness of the Grammys) “George Strait and Taylor Swift in the same category makes me uncomfortable. It’s like having Shakespeare and Neil LaBute in the same category.”
(And if you don’t know who is Shakespeare and who is Neil LaBute in that analogy, then clearly you didn’t grow up in Texas)

Alright, on to the show. In chronological order:

Bruce Springsteen
This was a Bruce Springsteen song. It sounded like a Bruce Springsteen song. Bruce Springsteen performed it exactly the way Bruce Springsteen performs songs.

Bruce Springsteen.

Bruno Mars
I think Bruno Mars should only ever perform on Grammy Awards telecasts. Based on my experience of Bruno Mars in non-Grammy contexts he's a disposable performer of cheesy, bland, personality-less songs. Based on my experiences of him at the Grammys the past two years he's a person who brings the charisma of 1,000 suns to his high energy performances of awesome retro-soul jams. One of these two realities is not right. And I have no idea which.

Chris Brown
Don’t know why people were upset about Chris Brown performing. Pretty sure he didn’t beat any women TODAY. He did however rape my memories of playing Q-Bert surrounded by men wearing surgical masks. Which really are my some of my fondest memories.

I could come up with other thoughts on this performance but Chris Brown isn’t worth it. If he had beaten Taylor Swift he’d be in jail right now. Let’s move on.

Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson
BATHROOM BREAK!

Foo Fighters
Not the Foo Fighters best song obviously, but a pretty great performance. Dave Grohl always makes me wish I had chosen “rock n’ roll” as a profession. Also, nice to see that long hair is still around. It’s fun to watch it being whipped around.

All that being said though, no matter how many Grammys they win or great performances they give I will always consider The Foo Fighters failures until the day when they finally defeat Foo.

Rihanna & Coldplay
Wow, not a good Grammys so far for epileptics. A good Grammys however for Olivia Newton-John’s "Physical"-era fashion sense.

Some questions:
If you're a Los Angeles-based hip-hop dancer and you weren’t employed in that "We Found Love" routine is it officially time to hang it up?
Is it a bad thing that the lead singer of arguably the biggest band in the world is terrible at singing live?
Is it bad that a Chipotle commercial just did a better job of presenting Coldplay’s music than Coldplay did?
Is Chris Martin on the Mucaulay Culkin diet?

Lastly, I’m a big Coldplay fan so I say this with love, but here are some things that they should maybe never ever again reference in any of their songs:
-rainbows
-teardrops
-waterfalls
-butterflies

The Beach Boys
(I preface this all, like the last one, by saying I’m a HUGE Beach Boys fan. Pet Sounds is a desert island album for me and I’d put their 70's stuff up against anything. Seriously, check out Sunflower.)

I don’t usually watch CBS but I assume that their programming is normally just that Beach Boys reunion performance on a loop. It's the exact opposite of the dance music performance that’s coming up. I never thought a song usually in the discussion for Greatest Song of All Time could sound so placid.

Also, my mom texted before the performance to ask how many of the Beach Boys are still alive? Is it safe to now say technically none of them? And how long do you think it will take Madame Tussauds to get their Brian Wilson wax figure back?

Paul McCartney (1st Performance)
John Lennon is glad he’s dead

Taylor Swift
I am an unabashed Taylor Swift fan. I thought she was great. I liked the presentation. I like the song. And I’m thrilled to see her growing into a confident and exciting live performer. Which is important because she will be performing on the Grammys every year from now until the end of time.

Good job.

Katy Perry
Thought that was definitely one of the best performances of a song about having sex with an alien that Ive ever seen at the Grammys. When she switched over to the stuff with the fire and the shattering glass I got a little confused, but hey, a new Katy Perry song! That's all I really need out of life. (No really, it is.)

Adele
I think people have treated appearances by the Pope with less reverence than I treated that Adele performance. Watching Adele sing is like watching Meryl Streep do a monologue. Whitney Houston only died because she finally felt confident that she had an acceptable new host body. Give Adele all the awards ever. (Oh, you were already planning on it? Okay, carry on then…)

Glen Campbell Tribute
That was nice. I’m glad they did it. My emotional reaction to it probably had more to do with my deep-seated fear of Alzheimer’s than the performance itself, but whatever. Still nice.

And hey, remember that time Jon Lovitz hilariously had the DJ play “Rhinestone Cowboy” at the school dance in High School High? Yeah…neither do I…

Neil Portnow
NEIL FUCKING PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not quite enough on how downloading music will lead to the downfall of civilization this year, but who cares??? With his body of work that’s like complaining that Bob Dylan’s new stuff isn’t as good as the classics. It’s still Neil Portnow!!!!

Oh Neil Portnow, never change.

(On a side note, are we all entirely sure that Neil Portnow wasn’t at the Beverly Hilton Saturday afternoon…?)

Whitney Houston Tribute
Barely a day’s notice to prepare for singing a tribute to the greatest vocal performance of all time? And you absolutely nail it? That’s some fucking lady balls (ovaries?) right there Jennifer Hudson. Mad props.

Dance Music Thing
Dance music has been on The Grammys on CBS, so we can all be done with it now, right kids?

To get semi-serious for a minute, one of the questions I’ve always had is what sort of insane music our kids would have to listen to in order to piss us off. I mean we’re a generation that knows all the words to Tupac’s “Hit Em Up”, a song that begins “That’s why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker” and then goes downhill (uphill?) from there. Well, we finally have our answer. Because I’ve never felt older in my life than the first time I heard (the Grammy winning!!!) “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites”. (I still feel genuinely scarred by the experience.) And basically the only thought I had during this whole dance music tribute thingy was “I am very old and very scared”. Also, “that mouse head seems very unsafe”.

(But seriously though, what did the Foo Fighters playing “Rope” have to do with dance music? I demand logic from my nonsense!)

Nicki Minaj
Nicki has taken all of Gaga’s style but none of her substance. I love Gaga, but I really hope this is not what she hath wrought. I’m sure the Grammys let Nicki Minaj go second to last in the show because she promised them controversy, but really, it was just predictable and boring. I’ve seen train wrecks that were better conceived than that.

Nicki is somehow the exact opposite of nearly every other successful mainstream hip hop artist in that her actual rapping ability is inversely proportional to the quality of her music instead of the other way around. And unfortunately that doesn’t appear to be changing any time soon.

Oh well, we’ll always have “Monster”

Paul McCartney (2nd Performance)
Needed more guitar.

No but seriously, how great was that? The only thing that would have made it better was if he had capped it off with "Her Majesty". But then again (like all people worth knowing) I’m a huge Beatles nerd.

(And speaking of being a Beatles nerd, is it safe at this point to declare Paul’s longtime backing drummer as the 5th Beatle? Because that guy is awesome. And if so, I should probably learn his name. Especially since he’s basically a member my family at this point)

Anyway, great way to close the show as that’s exactly why we tune into the Grammys. For reminding us that despite the awards they give out honoring the best in music, that music can infact still be the best.

Can't wait for next year.