The Oscars. The Big Show. The Jewish Christmas. The Gay Super Bowl. The One Night a Year E! is Relevant. The Academy Awards are many things. But are they something that people still care about almost a week after the fact? Well we’re about to find out. Because as with any great tragedy its taken me about a week to be able to talk about them without breaking down emotionally. But I would hate for some half-baked, mediocre, and now outdated jokes to go to waste. So without further adieu, I give you my Oscar recap:
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* To paraphrase something my roommate Dave said, I’m glad they did Supporting Actor first so we can relax the rest of night without having to worry that we might see any film clips of William Hurt.
* Martin McDonough has an Oscar now! Take that David Mamet!
(Actually they might be friends for all I know. Still, wouldn’t a playwright feud be awesome? It would be the exact opposite of a rapper feud.)
* It might just be me, but I feel like Dolly Parton might have had some work done at some point.
* Are Tom Cruise’s home movies eligible for Best Documentary Short Subject?
* Remember how the technical nominees last year had to receive their awards from the audience? Notice how no one mentioned the fact that they went back to the old way this year? Interesting how it was like last year never happened wasn’t it? Wouldn’t those last three sentences have worked much better as statements rather than questions?
* With Jack Nicholson it’s hard to know whether the girl sitting next to him is his daughter or his date. I think it’s about 50/50 odds either way.
* The Wallace and Grommit guys would make great final round subjects on the inevitable future game show version of the popular guessing game “Gay or European?”
* New product alert: Tab Pink Energy Drink for Women! Their slogan is “The fuel to feel fabulous”. I don't even know what to say about this. I’m literally speechless. But if I could speak, I think the first thing I would say is “thank you God for the greatest product in the history of the world”. This is gonna make the wheel look Blue Raspbery Pepsi.
* I think if you’re a straight male the only way winning an Oscar would hurt your sex life is if the Oscar you won was for Best Makeup.
* Oscar Voiceover Announcer Guy: “When we come back Will Farrell Steve Carell will take the stage”
Me: Where will they take it to?
(By the way announcer guy, nice job of seconds after she won announcing that, “Rachel Weisz has also been seen in The Mummy and The Mummy 2”. Way to knock her down about 10 levels during the biggest moment of her life.)
* Hey, it’s Russell Crowe! Who let him near the Oscars?
(By the way, has anyone made the joke yet that it’s a good thing for that hotel concierge’s sake that Russell was only trying to call his wife and not email her? Just checking.)
* A quick word about Jon Stewart: I thought he did about as well as The Academy will ever allow anyone to do. I know his writers were told they couldn’t do a lot of the jokes they wanted because they wouldn’t fly with a mainstream middle-America audience and that’s a shame, but I understand. Taking that into account, and also keeping in mind that as a first time host he was on a very short leash, I thought he did a great job. Usually after the monologue is over you never think about the host the rest of the night, but I thought his constant jokes during the show were what kept people watching and entertained. Every time the camera panned to Jon you knew you were going to laugh. My only complaint is that they didn’t let him do enough. His monologue was too short and they really underutilized him. Much like Ellen at the Emmys. But some of the “ad-lib” jokes and the gay cowboy montage were classic Jon Stewart. And nothing beats that. Not even Billy Crystal.
* I know there was a lot of suspense over whether or not Crash would upset Brokeback for Best Picture, but I think that the most suspense and tension filled moment of the evening was the last thirty seconds of Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech. Because as the clock was winding down towards the speech’s evitable end the entire nation sat in rapt attention wanting to know the answer to the question we’d wondered about for months: would she forget to thank Ryan Phillippe? About half the speech had gone by and she still hadn’t done it yet. The cameraman then fixed the picture straight on Ryan and the tension was becoming almost unbearable. What would Ryan do if she forgot? Would he pull a gun out of his pocket and shoot himself in the face on live TV? Would he curl up into the fetal position and start bawling hysterically? Would the resultant therapy bills bankrupt their family? But alas, she finally did mention her husband, and so unfortunately Ryan Phillippe would live to see another day. Nevertheless it was the highlight of the night.
(Although on two related notes: I don’t think it’s ever a good sign if your wife seems more enthusiastic about thanking a guy named T-Bone than she is about thanking you. And also – have you ever seen a worse job of pretending to be excited than when Reese Witherspoon came into the pressroom and announced how excited she was that her husband’s movie had just won Best Picture? And keep in mind this was coming from a person who had just won an award called “Best Actress”. I think Keanu Reeves could have done a better job of acting excited than that. And he’s a cyborg!)
* After watching the In Memorandum montage I realized not only was this a bad year for movies it was also a bad year for death. When Richard Pryor gets the last spot in the montage you know it was really not a good year for death.
* I have a confession to make. When she came on stage to present Best Actor I actually thought for a brief moment “Wow, Hillary Swank is kind of hot.” And then the Earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. It was very traumatizing and I’d prefer not to talk about it. Actually, can we just pretend we never had this conversation?
* I made a joke last year about how I should have Morgan Freeman narrate my home movies just to see if that could get them to win an Oscar…Well ladies and gentlemen, I present to you March of the Penguins.
*Yes! King Kong won for sound mixing! Thank god! Cuz, let me tell you something - the sound in the movie was mixed like a fucking yogurt parfait.
(I don’t even know what that means. But I DO know that the guy who invented analogies is rolling over in his grave. As is the guy who invented irony. And humor.)
* I’m glad they included genocide on the list of controversial issues that movies have taken on because I know that before movies were made about genocide most people were very pro-genocide. But Schindler’s List was really able to change a lot of minds.
* I just saw an ad for a new reality show where they’re going to find America’s “Next Great Inventor”. All I know is, whoever wins that show is gonna have to wrestle that title away from the person who invented Pib Energy Drink for Women
* When the Academy President was making his speech about the importance of seeing movies on the big screen and he said, “No actor has ever finished a take and thought, ‘that’ll look good on DVD’” he clearly was forgetting about Pauley Shore.
* While listening to Brokeback composer Gustavo Santaolalla’s acceptance speech I realized that almost no one involved with Brokeback can properly articulate the English language – Gustavo, Ang Lee, Heath Ledger…the list goes on and on.
* Top 3 & 1/2 Moments:
1.) Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin’s Altman tribute (the fact that Jennifer Aniston didn’t get it tells you all you need to know about why Jennifer Aniston will never win an Oscar or even have a viable film career for that matter.)
2.) George Clooney’s Speech
3.) Three 6 Mafia’s speech
3 & 1/2.) All of Jon Stewart’s jokes throughout the night but especially “Please welcome Luke Wilson and Owen Wilson – two talented brothers; which is also a good way to describe the Baldwin family.” (By far the best joke of the night)
* Not that it wasn’t a great moment, but it’s interesting that such a big deal was made about “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” winning Best Song. People like Ludacris kept saying it was a huge break thru for hip-hop. Did everyone forget that a rap song had won Best Song previously? Eminem won for “Lose Yourself” just two years ago yet somehow no one seemed to acknowledge this fact. It’s as though “Lose Yourself” wasn’t valid hip-hop, although I would say that not even showing up for the Oscars is way more “hip-hop” than changing the words to your song so they’ll be acceptable for children and then thanking Gilbert Cates and George Clooney in your acceptance speech. Nothing against Three 6 Mafia, but when people say that their win was a breakthrough for hip-hop, it seems that what they are REALY saying is that it was a breakthrough for BLACK hip-hop and validation for a large segment of the BLACK community. That’s why Eminem doesn’t count. And yet I have heard absolutely no one mention this angle. See boys and girls, this is how race and race relations work in the real world. Which leads into my last item…
* Okay, so I don’t want to go over it again, but as you might be able to tell, I’m still furious that Crash won Best Picture. Actually as more time has passed I’ve become more upset about it winning Best Original Screenplay than about it wining Best Picture. I seriously think you could do the script without changing a single word as a comedy. Just like with Chekhov! I was rereading my Oscar review from last year and was reminded how livid I was about Beyonce singing all the songs. Well multiply that by 10 and that’s how upset I STILL am about this Crash thing. I seriously need to find a good therapist. Since I don’t know what else to say about it I’ll leave you with this:
(I wrote this down about halfway through the telecast before Crash had won a single award yet.)
“The Academy members DO realize that they nominated a movie that features Ludacris, Brendan Fraser AND Tony Danza for Best Picture right?”
I think that says all you need to know.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Darkness – “One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back” (album)
2.) Newman’s Own Ginger O’s Cookies
3.) Astoria
3 & 1/2.) Dave Chappelle’s Block Party
Thought of the Week:
Well its not so much a thought as it is a brain teaser, but someone asked me this at work and trying to figure it out kept me mentally entertained for a good five minutes, which breaks the “longest period of time I’ve been entertained at work” record by a good 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Anyway, here it:
Name the four U.S. Presidents whose last names end with the letter E.
(hint: you gotta know your obscure presidents)
Friday, March 10, 2006
Monday, March 06, 2006
Crash Into Paul Haggis's Face With A Hammer
Crash just fucking won Best Picture. All night Ive been sitting here writing some good jokes and comments for your amusement, but you know what, I really don’t feel like typing them up now because who the hell cares - Crash just won Best Picture. This is like the time Two Against Nature beat Marshall Matters LP for Album of the Year only 800 billion times worse. In fact I think the term infinity was created to describe how much worse this is than that. Forever and ever until the end of time Crash will be listed as the best picture of 2005. How?!? Really, how is this possible?!? I know back in the 50s there were some pretty bad Best Picture winners but really, nothing can possibly be worse than Crash. Its ridiculous, clichéd, insulting, and has absolutely no redeeming qualities. My roommate Dave and I really want someone who thought Crash was a good movie to explain why they thought so. We’re serious with that. I’m not being sarcastic and I'm not just wanting someone to tell me so that I can argue with them, but I really truly do want to understand how and/or why people think it was a good movie. So if you thought it was good, please contact me somehow and explain why. I am completely and genuinely 100% curious to understand why someone would think Crash was award worthy and will be very grateful to anyone who could help shine light on this subject. But now I’m off to go get drunk at 12:30 on a Sunday night. Never before has an awards show driven me to drink, but this one has. I’ve waited all year and devoted so much energy into the Academy Awards just to see absolute garbage like Crash win Best Picture. I thought when I heard Jack Nicholson announce Crash as the winner he was going to say “just kidding”. I was in shock, and I’m still in shock. I’m also already drinking heavily. I think Dave and I are going to go buy a copy of Crash on DVD and smash it with a hammer just to vent our frustration. I wish I had at some point won an Oscar so I could return it to the Academy in protest. I’m very upset. Okay I’m going to go to bed and maybe when I wake up this will have never happened. Good night, and I hope Paul Haggis dies in fiery plane crash.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Oscar Preview '06
With only 24 hours left before the Oscars I guess its about time I gave my own personal Oscar preview/predictions. As always, pretend like you care…
Best Picture:
If I ever get around to typing up my Top 3 & 1/2 of 2005 Awards Entry then you would know that I think Munich was the best movie of 2005. Although if you think Brokeback or Capote or King Kong or Walk the Line or Squid and the Whale or Cinderella Man or Good Night and Good Luck was better then I'd be willing to listen to your argument. (If you thought anything other than those movies was better than Munich though, then you are wrong.) Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I think Munich should win Best Picture, but if you disagree I can probably see your point. Unfortunately due to the most bungled PR campaign in the history of bungled PR campaigns there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell of Munich actually winning Best Picture. How exactly one is able to take a picture that months before its release was already being basically given the Oscar and somehow turn it into a movie that was lucky to even get four nominations is beyond me. Maybe it was the fact they didn’t send out screeners to Golden Globe voters. Maybe it was the fact Steven Spielberg and the stars did exactly one interview leading up to the film’s release. Perhaps it’s that it came out so late in the game and rolled out so gradually that it got lost in the shuffle. Perhaps it was the fact they showed the trailer and bought TV ads a likely combined total of 12 times. Whatever it was, they completely bungled what should have been a gimme Oscar victory. Where is Harvey Weinstein when you need him? Any man who can get a Best Picture nomination for Chocolat could have gotten Munich 10 Oscar WINS. Instead its PR people went with the Million Dollar Baby approach, forgetting the fact that when you’re the front runner you cant pull the "underdog that comes out of nowhere" approach. Anyway, it’s a real shame because in the so-called Year of the Message Movie, no movie delivered a more important or relevant message in as compelling a way as Munich. Based on real life events and using a thoughtful, brilliant, and stunningly literate screenplay and great acting, set against a tension filled, epic backdrop of international intrigue and personal emotional trauma, Munich preached that violence, even as revenge, only leads to more violence and ultimately solves nothing. Is there anything that could be more Oscar worthy or relevant for our times then that? (Well outside of a movie about shooting an old guy in the face during a hunting trip of course.) And that’s my problem with Brokeback winning. While at the moment Brokeback seems very groundbreaking and controversial, ten years from now it’s going to seem very tame and almost puritanical. Like In the Heat of Night or Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner it may capture the liberal zeitgeist of the times but once that zeitgeist has past and the context of its win has long been forgotten, it's going to age incredibly poorly. Munich on the other hand, is timeless. Because while gay rights is the cause du jour of the moment, the issue of violence as revenge for violence is, and always will be, more relevant to our own individual lives and the life of our nation and our world (especially right now), despite what conservatives may try to have you believe. Plus I doubt Brokeback is going to change anyone’s mind when it comes to their feelings on homosexuality, but Munich will make any viewer think deeper about the implications of revenge and violence, as well as the implications of the existence of the state of Israel, which is ultimately what this whole terrorism thing is all about anyway. Not only is the movie specifically designed to do just that, but I can testify from first hand experience that it succeeds. So to make a long story short - as good as Brokeback may be, Munich trumps it because its subject matter is more “important”. After all, love can only be experienced in an individual personal way, but war and nationalism and the intersection of the two can be experienced in a collective shared way. And isn’t that why we go to the movie theater, cram ourselves in with a bunch of strangers, and stare up at the screen together in the dark in the first place – the hope of a shared communal emotional experience? Isn’t creating that experience the goal of the best art? I would say it is.
But if you disagree…I see your point.
Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Should Win: Munich
(As side note, ultimately I really don’t care what wins as long as it isn’t Crash. If Crash wins I may seriously consider my long threatened boycott of all things Oscar. Crash would easily be the worst Best Picture winner ever. EASILY. Crash is a joke. If Crash wins I will hurl things at the TV. If Crash wins I will definitely contemplate using violence as a means of revenge. If Crash wins I would so completely NOT understand. I would be confused. I would be enraged. It would be just like dealing with someone from a racial group other than my own...)
Best Actor:
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is my favorite actor. He is the best actor alive. You should bow down before him and worship his presence. You are unworthy to share this planet with him and his awesome acting powers. Daniel Day Lewis is good and all, and Dustin Hoffman has had his days, and Russell Crowe deserves his props, but Phillip Seymour Hoffman can take on all challengers and he will destroy them all! What’s that blade through your heart Edward Norton? Is that the Hoff Man’s blade of Three Minute Pause Between Two Lines In 25th Hour? What’s that Robert DeNiro? Is that the sound of your skull being crushed by Phillip’s scene stealing prowess in Flawless? Hey Sean Penn, was that Phil’s ability to completely disappear into a character that just detached your head from your body? What’s that Al Pacino? You’re fucking insane? Yes, as Phillip Seymour Hoffman cruises to his first Oscar victory he leaves a trail of mauled and bloody contenders for the title of Best Actor Alive in his wake. But soon he will be able to claim his throne because at last he will have his Oscar. And when he wins it will bring much joy to my life. And it will bring much joy to the world. Children will sing, puppies will dance, angels will get their wings. The heavens will open, and light will pour down upon the Earth, and God will speak. And he will say:
“Id like to thank...”
And thank he will.
Just you wait.
Will Win: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Should Win: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Best Actress:
There’s a fine line between giving an actress a Julia Roberts Oscar because they’re hot and a big star and they give an immensely likeable performance in a crowd pleasing movie in a year which was somehow arbitrarily declared “their year”, and giving a hot bankable actress an Oscar because their immensely likeable performance in a crowd pleasing movie was actually the best performance of the year. This year Reese Witherspoon walks that line. (Editors note: pun intended) On the one hand Reese doesn’t exactly have any scenes or moments in Walk the Line that cry out “Oscar worthy!” And I wouldn’t know June Carter Cash if I fell on her, so I have no idea how accurate a job Reese does of portraying her. And maybe Felicity Huffman technically does give a better and braver performance than Reese. But on the other hand, Reese gives the most memorable and indelible performance of the year and is the best part of one of the year’s best movies. And her name wouldn’t lookout of place on a list of Oscar winners. And she’s a hot young major star. And it’s her year. And unlike Julia Roberts she’s already won nearly every acting award in sight leading up to the Oscars. And Felicity Huffman’s performance isn’t THAT much better than hers. And absolutely no one has seen TransAmerica. And most of all, Reese deserves SOMETHING for staying married to Ryan Phillippe for so long. So here you go Reese - here’s your Oscar. You’ve earned it.
Will Win: Reese Witherspoon
Should Win: Reese Witherspoon
Best Director:
I really don’t care about this category this year. On the one hand, Steven Spielberg’s achievement in Munich is remarkable; especially considering it’s coming from him. In its own way it’s an even more shocking, bleak, and mature departure for him than Schindler’s List was. But on the other hand he already has two Oscars and is already the most respected and popular filmmaker of all time. On the other hand, Ang Lee, might not have made the year’s BEST picture, but how can you not have love for a guy who was raised in Asia and yet somehow was the force behind The Ice Storm, Sense and Sensibility, and now Brokeback Mountain. Throw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and The Hulk in that mix and has there ever been anyone in the history of film with a more diverse and harder to pin down oeuvre? And yes I really just wanted an excuse to use the word “oeuvre”. I feel like that should be the name of an exotic fruit.
Will Win: Ang Lee
Should Win: Steven Spielberg
Best Supporting Actor:
They should really just cancel this category this year. Looking back over Oscar history I think this might be the weakest group of nominees in this category ever. This year is like the anti-1994. I’ve been over this before but only Paul Giamatti even deserves to be NOMINATED and even his performance doesn’t exactly scream out “Oscar”. So really does anyone deserve to WIN? Matt Dillon cant win because is there anything more laughable sounding than the phrase “Academy Award Winner Matt Dillon”? (Actually, you don’t have to answer that…). Jake Gyllenhaal can’t win because he’s Jake Gyllenhaal, and because he once dated Kristen Dunst, and because, well, have you SEEN him in Proof? Anyone who can be that bad cant win an Oscar the same year. It’s a rule. George Clooney cant win because all he did was gain weight and then get tied to a chair and beaten. I wouldn’t exactly call that an Oscar winning performance as much as I would call it “last Tuesday”. And William Hurt can’t win because he is the worst actor in the history of the world and he was in the worst movie to get an Oscar nomination in my lifetime. So that only leaves Paul Giamatti. I like Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti is a great and well-respected actor whose name wouldn’t seem out of place on a list of Academy Award winners. Plus he got totally screwed last year when he hasn’t even nominated for Sideways. And he’s the loan representative of a movie that got totally screwed this year – Cinderella Man. And oh yeah, his performance is actually really good and endearing too. So Paul Giamatti deserves to win. Which is good because he probably will. Although part of me still fears George Clooney might, in which case I will have to go strap him to another chair and apply another beating to him. Or maybe Ill have your mom do it instead. She’s much better at it than I am.
Will Win: Paul Giamatti
Should Win: Paul Giamatti
Best Supporting Actress:
This is just an all around bad year for supporting performances. While this category is slightly better than its male counterpart, it’s still far from stellar. But I guess considering some of the nominees that usually inhabit this category this year’s lot ain’t too bad in the grand scheme of things. But Frances McDormand was clearly just mugging for an Oscar, Catherine Keener was way too subtle to actually win an Oscar (although I personally LOVED her performance), and Michelle Williams was once on Dawson’s Creek. Plus Joshua Jackson was way better than her on that show anyway. Not that I ever watched the first three seasons or anything. Still though, I wouldn’t be shocked to see her win here. Which would be a crime, because we all know who gave the best female performance, lead or supporting, in any movie this year (and by “we all” I mean “the 5 people who actually saw Junebug”). And that person is Amy Adams. She single handedly made her movie great, which is ridiculously hard to do when your movie also stars Benjamin McKenzie. But in the time it took for the movie to play she went from unknown to “Ill go see the next movie she’s in regardless of what is it” status. Alas though, she probably won’t win either. Because Rachel Weisz will win. And while Rachel Weisz was fine and all, she wasn’t really that memorable. When I walked out of Junebug (having heard absolutely nothing about it going into it) my first thought was “call off the Oscars and give Amy Adams her award now”. Whereas when I walked out of The Constant Gardener my first and only thought was “Ralph Fiennes actually only gardened intermittently.”
Will Win: Rachel Weisz
Should Win: Amy Adams
Best Adapted Screenplay:
This is gonna be like the year The Pianist won a screenplay award even though there was like less than 30 minutes of dialogue in the whole movie. How great can a screenplay be when Heath Ledger can’t even be bothered to properly articulate 50% of it? And am I wrong here or wasn’t the movie more about the things that went unsaid more than the things that WERE said? Plus it’s sharing a category with Munich, which was all about the screenplay. It was filled with dialogue, maybe even too much. At times the movie WAS the screenplay (if that makes any sense at all). It was also written by Tony Kushner who is one of the greatest writers alive and should always be given any award he is ever nominated for just by default. And his screenplay for Munich was so good and so unlike any other screenplay this or any year that it almost seemed out of place on a movie screen. It was intelligent and shockingly literate and way too good for a movie-going public that supports two Paul Walker movies being in the box office top 10 at the same time (which I think if I’m not mistaken is one of the signs of the apocalypse specifically mentioned in Revelations). I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard such an intelligently articulated discourse on big ideas at a movie theater. So of course its gonna lose to fucking cowboys. And I mean that literally.
(And while we’re talking about Brokeback, why is it seemingly totally okay to be making so many jokes about Brokeback? Why is this okay with the gay community? This would be like if Barbershop 2 was up for Best Picture and mainstream pop culture became permeated with jokes about black people who hang out in barbershops. Would this be at all okay? Wouldn’t the black community be outraged by jokes based on stereotypes of black people who hang out in barbershops? And can a movie really be socially groundbreaking at the same time it’s a national punch line? Maybe Brokeback is proving that it can be, but does no one else find it interesting that everyone seems to have absolutely no problem with all the jokes about it? Does the movie's success mean we’ve come a long way, or does the universal acceptance of jokes about it mean we haven’t come anywhere at all? And why is no one writing about this subject? And can't I ever write a sentence that doesn’t have a question mark at the end?)
Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Should Win: Munich
Best Original Screenplay:
I actually managed to obtain a copy of the entire Crash screenplay and I thought posting it here might help shine some light on this category.
“Crash: A Searing Portrait of Racism In America As Only Two Rich White Liberals From L.A. Could Tell It”
By Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco
Scene opens on a white woman in her car. She is white.
White Woman: I am a white woman. I live in Los Angeles, a place that is very representative of all of America. I feel so alone and isolated. In order to feel connection to people I need to literally crash into them.
(She crashes her car into the car in front of her. A Chinaman gets out.)
Chinaman: Ching chang walla walla bing bang!
White woman: Wow, I feel so connected to you now. I love people.
Chinaman: My blake lights! You boke my blake lights!
White woman: Shut up you slanty eyed chink face.
Ryan Phillippe: Hey that’s racist! I’m offended by your racist behavior. And because of that fact, you would never in any way possibly even remotely suspect that I’m secretly scared of black people. In fact if I was to randomly shoot a black guy for no reason, it would completely shock and stun you because you would never in a million years have been able to predict that that might happen.
White woman: What he hell are you talking about?
Ryan Phillippe: Racism, stupid. That’s all everyone EVER talks about. 24 hours a day we all just sit around talking about and thinking about racism. We have no thoughts or personality attributes or actions that don’t directly involve racism. You of all people should realize that – you’re white.
Sandra Bullock: Hi I’m Sandra Bullock.
All: What the hell are you doing here?
Sandra Bullock: How the fuck should I know? All I know is that I really hate Mexicans.
Ryan Phillippe: Wow, that’s really subtle.
Sandra Bullock: If you think that’s subtle you should see A History of Violence!
(They all laugh.)
Ludacris: Are you all laughing at my acting?
All: AHHH! A BLACK PERSON! Who the hell are you?!?
Ludacris: I’m Ludacris.
White Woman: So is this movie.
(They all laugh.)
The End.
Will Win: Trash (aka Crash)
Should Win: The Squid and the Whale
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Bob Dylan – “Freewheelin Bob Dylan” (album) (duh)
2.) Dave Chapelle
3.) “George Bush Doesn’t Like People” - The Legendary K.O.
3 & 1/2.) New Dutchwest article: http://dutchwestoven.blogspot.com/2006/02/andy-stokan-thank-you-dakota-fanning.html
Thought of the Week:
“If Jay Leno makes you laugh, chances are I don’t care for you as a person.” – Peter Griffin
Best Picture:
If I ever get around to typing up my Top 3 & 1/2 of 2005 Awards Entry then you would know that I think Munich was the best movie of 2005. Although if you think Brokeback or Capote or King Kong or Walk the Line or Squid and the Whale or Cinderella Man or Good Night and Good Luck was better then I'd be willing to listen to your argument. (If you thought anything other than those movies was better than Munich though, then you are wrong.) Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I think Munich should win Best Picture, but if you disagree I can probably see your point. Unfortunately due to the most bungled PR campaign in the history of bungled PR campaigns there’s not a snowball’s chance in hell of Munich actually winning Best Picture. How exactly one is able to take a picture that months before its release was already being basically given the Oscar and somehow turn it into a movie that was lucky to even get four nominations is beyond me. Maybe it was the fact they didn’t send out screeners to Golden Globe voters. Maybe it was the fact Steven Spielberg and the stars did exactly one interview leading up to the film’s release. Perhaps it’s that it came out so late in the game and rolled out so gradually that it got lost in the shuffle. Perhaps it was the fact they showed the trailer and bought TV ads a likely combined total of 12 times. Whatever it was, they completely bungled what should have been a gimme Oscar victory. Where is Harvey Weinstein when you need him? Any man who can get a Best Picture nomination for Chocolat could have gotten Munich 10 Oscar WINS. Instead its PR people went with the Million Dollar Baby approach, forgetting the fact that when you’re the front runner you cant pull the "underdog that comes out of nowhere" approach. Anyway, it’s a real shame because in the so-called Year of the Message Movie, no movie delivered a more important or relevant message in as compelling a way as Munich. Based on real life events and using a thoughtful, brilliant, and stunningly literate screenplay and great acting, set against a tension filled, epic backdrop of international intrigue and personal emotional trauma, Munich preached that violence, even as revenge, only leads to more violence and ultimately solves nothing. Is there anything that could be more Oscar worthy or relevant for our times then that? (Well outside of a movie about shooting an old guy in the face during a hunting trip of course.) And that’s my problem with Brokeback winning. While at the moment Brokeback seems very groundbreaking and controversial, ten years from now it’s going to seem very tame and almost puritanical. Like In the Heat of Night or Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner it may capture the liberal zeitgeist of the times but once that zeitgeist has past and the context of its win has long been forgotten, it's going to age incredibly poorly. Munich on the other hand, is timeless. Because while gay rights is the cause du jour of the moment, the issue of violence as revenge for violence is, and always will be, more relevant to our own individual lives and the life of our nation and our world (especially right now), despite what conservatives may try to have you believe. Plus I doubt Brokeback is going to change anyone’s mind when it comes to their feelings on homosexuality, but Munich will make any viewer think deeper about the implications of revenge and violence, as well as the implications of the existence of the state of Israel, which is ultimately what this whole terrorism thing is all about anyway. Not only is the movie specifically designed to do just that, but I can testify from first hand experience that it succeeds. So to make a long story short - as good as Brokeback may be, Munich trumps it because its subject matter is more “important”. After all, love can only be experienced in an individual personal way, but war and nationalism and the intersection of the two can be experienced in a collective shared way. And isn’t that why we go to the movie theater, cram ourselves in with a bunch of strangers, and stare up at the screen together in the dark in the first place – the hope of a shared communal emotional experience? Isn’t creating that experience the goal of the best art? I would say it is.
But if you disagree…I see your point.
Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Should Win: Munich
(As side note, ultimately I really don’t care what wins as long as it isn’t Crash. If Crash wins I may seriously consider my long threatened boycott of all things Oscar. Crash would easily be the worst Best Picture winner ever. EASILY. Crash is a joke. If Crash wins I will hurl things at the TV. If Crash wins I will definitely contemplate using violence as a means of revenge. If Crash wins I would so completely NOT understand. I would be confused. I would be enraged. It would be just like dealing with someone from a racial group other than my own...)
Best Actor:
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is my favorite actor. He is the best actor alive. You should bow down before him and worship his presence. You are unworthy to share this planet with him and his awesome acting powers. Daniel Day Lewis is good and all, and Dustin Hoffman has had his days, and Russell Crowe deserves his props, but Phillip Seymour Hoffman can take on all challengers and he will destroy them all! What’s that blade through your heart Edward Norton? Is that the Hoff Man’s blade of Three Minute Pause Between Two Lines In 25th Hour? What’s that Robert DeNiro? Is that the sound of your skull being crushed by Phillip’s scene stealing prowess in Flawless? Hey Sean Penn, was that Phil’s ability to completely disappear into a character that just detached your head from your body? What’s that Al Pacino? You’re fucking insane? Yes, as Phillip Seymour Hoffman cruises to his first Oscar victory he leaves a trail of mauled and bloody contenders for the title of Best Actor Alive in his wake. But soon he will be able to claim his throne because at last he will have his Oscar. And when he wins it will bring much joy to my life. And it will bring much joy to the world. Children will sing, puppies will dance, angels will get their wings. The heavens will open, and light will pour down upon the Earth, and God will speak. And he will say:
“Id like to thank...”
And thank he will.
Just you wait.
Will Win: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Should Win: Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Best Actress:
There’s a fine line between giving an actress a Julia Roberts Oscar because they’re hot and a big star and they give an immensely likeable performance in a crowd pleasing movie in a year which was somehow arbitrarily declared “their year”, and giving a hot bankable actress an Oscar because their immensely likeable performance in a crowd pleasing movie was actually the best performance of the year. This year Reese Witherspoon walks that line. (Editors note: pun intended) On the one hand Reese doesn’t exactly have any scenes or moments in Walk the Line that cry out “Oscar worthy!” And I wouldn’t know June Carter Cash if I fell on her, so I have no idea how accurate a job Reese does of portraying her. And maybe Felicity Huffman technically does give a better and braver performance than Reese. But on the other hand, Reese gives the most memorable and indelible performance of the year and is the best part of one of the year’s best movies. And her name wouldn’t lookout of place on a list of Oscar winners. And she’s a hot young major star. And it’s her year. And unlike Julia Roberts she’s already won nearly every acting award in sight leading up to the Oscars. And Felicity Huffman’s performance isn’t THAT much better than hers. And absolutely no one has seen TransAmerica. And most of all, Reese deserves SOMETHING for staying married to Ryan Phillippe for so long. So here you go Reese - here’s your Oscar. You’ve earned it.
Will Win: Reese Witherspoon
Should Win: Reese Witherspoon
Best Director:
I really don’t care about this category this year. On the one hand, Steven Spielberg’s achievement in Munich is remarkable; especially considering it’s coming from him. In its own way it’s an even more shocking, bleak, and mature departure for him than Schindler’s List was. But on the other hand he already has two Oscars and is already the most respected and popular filmmaker of all time. On the other hand, Ang Lee, might not have made the year’s BEST picture, but how can you not have love for a guy who was raised in Asia and yet somehow was the force behind The Ice Storm, Sense and Sensibility, and now Brokeback Mountain. Throw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and The Hulk in that mix and has there ever been anyone in the history of film with a more diverse and harder to pin down oeuvre? And yes I really just wanted an excuse to use the word “oeuvre”. I feel like that should be the name of an exotic fruit.
Will Win: Ang Lee
Should Win: Steven Spielberg
Best Supporting Actor:
They should really just cancel this category this year. Looking back over Oscar history I think this might be the weakest group of nominees in this category ever. This year is like the anti-1994. I’ve been over this before but only Paul Giamatti even deserves to be NOMINATED and even his performance doesn’t exactly scream out “Oscar”. So really does anyone deserve to WIN? Matt Dillon cant win because is there anything more laughable sounding than the phrase “Academy Award Winner Matt Dillon”? (Actually, you don’t have to answer that…). Jake Gyllenhaal can’t win because he’s Jake Gyllenhaal, and because he once dated Kristen Dunst, and because, well, have you SEEN him in Proof? Anyone who can be that bad cant win an Oscar the same year. It’s a rule. George Clooney cant win because all he did was gain weight and then get tied to a chair and beaten. I wouldn’t exactly call that an Oscar winning performance as much as I would call it “last Tuesday”. And William Hurt can’t win because he is the worst actor in the history of the world and he was in the worst movie to get an Oscar nomination in my lifetime. So that only leaves Paul Giamatti. I like Paul Giamatti. Paul Giamatti is a great and well-respected actor whose name wouldn’t seem out of place on a list of Academy Award winners. Plus he got totally screwed last year when he hasn’t even nominated for Sideways. And he’s the loan representative of a movie that got totally screwed this year – Cinderella Man. And oh yeah, his performance is actually really good and endearing too. So Paul Giamatti deserves to win. Which is good because he probably will. Although part of me still fears George Clooney might, in which case I will have to go strap him to another chair and apply another beating to him. Or maybe Ill have your mom do it instead. She’s much better at it than I am.
Will Win: Paul Giamatti
Should Win: Paul Giamatti
Best Supporting Actress:
This is just an all around bad year for supporting performances. While this category is slightly better than its male counterpart, it’s still far from stellar. But I guess considering some of the nominees that usually inhabit this category this year’s lot ain’t too bad in the grand scheme of things. But Frances McDormand was clearly just mugging for an Oscar, Catherine Keener was way too subtle to actually win an Oscar (although I personally LOVED her performance), and Michelle Williams was once on Dawson’s Creek. Plus Joshua Jackson was way better than her on that show anyway. Not that I ever watched the first three seasons or anything. Still though, I wouldn’t be shocked to see her win here. Which would be a crime, because we all know who gave the best female performance, lead or supporting, in any movie this year (and by “we all” I mean “the 5 people who actually saw Junebug”). And that person is Amy Adams. She single handedly made her movie great, which is ridiculously hard to do when your movie also stars Benjamin McKenzie. But in the time it took for the movie to play she went from unknown to “Ill go see the next movie she’s in regardless of what is it” status. Alas though, she probably won’t win either. Because Rachel Weisz will win. And while Rachel Weisz was fine and all, she wasn’t really that memorable. When I walked out of Junebug (having heard absolutely nothing about it going into it) my first thought was “call off the Oscars and give Amy Adams her award now”. Whereas when I walked out of The Constant Gardener my first and only thought was “Ralph Fiennes actually only gardened intermittently.”
Will Win: Rachel Weisz
Should Win: Amy Adams
Best Adapted Screenplay:
This is gonna be like the year The Pianist won a screenplay award even though there was like less than 30 minutes of dialogue in the whole movie. How great can a screenplay be when Heath Ledger can’t even be bothered to properly articulate 50% of it? And am I wrong here or wasn’t the movie more about the things that went unsaid more than the things that WERE said? Plus it’s sharing a category with Munich, which was all about the screenplay. It was filled with dialogue, maybe even too much. At times the movie WAS the screenplay (if that makes any sense at all). It was also written by Tony Kushner who is one of the greatest writers alive and should always be given any award he is ever nominated for just by default. And his screenplay for Munich was so good and so unlike any other screenplay this or any year that it almost seemed out of place on a movie screen. It was intelligent and shockingly literate and way too good for a movie-going public that supports two Paul Walker movies being in the box office top 10 at the same time (which I think if I’m not mistaken is one of the signs of the apocalypse specifically mentioned in Revelations). I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard such an intelligently articulated discourse on big ideas at a movie theater. So of course its gonna lose to fucking cowboys. And I mean that literally.
(And while we’re talking about Brokeback, why is it seemingly totally okay to be making so many jokes about Brokeback? Why is this okay with the gay community? This would be like if Barbershop 2 was up for Best Picture and mainstream pop culture became permeated with jokes about black people who hang out in barbershops. Would this be at all okay? Wouldn’t the black community be outraged by jokes based on stereotypes of black people who hang out in barbershops? And can a movie really be socially groundbreaking at the same time it’s a national punch line? Maybe Brokeback is proving that it can be, but does no one else find it interesting that everyone seems to have absolutely no problem with all the jokes about it? Does the movie's success mean we’ve come a long way, or does the universal acceptance of jokes about it mean we haven’t come anywhere at all? And why is no one writing about this subject? And can't I ever write a sentence that doesn’t have a question mark at the end?)
Will Win: Brokeback Mountain
Should Win: Munich
Best Original Screenplay:
I actually managed to obtain a copy of the entire Crash screenplay and I thought posting it here might help shine some light on this category.
“Crash: A Searing Portrait of Racism In America As Only Two Rich White Liberals From L.A. Could Tell It”
By Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco
Scene opens on a white woman in her car. She is white.
White Woman: I am a white woman. I live in Los Angeles, a place that is very representative of all of America. I feel so alone and isolated. In order to feel connection to people I need to literally crash into them.
(She crashes her car into the car in front of her. A Chinaman gets out.)
Chinaman: Ching chang walla walla bing bang!
White woman: Wow, I feel so connected to you now. I love people.
Chinaman: My blake lights! You boke my blake lights!
White woman: Shut up you slanty eyed chink face.
Ryan Phillippe: Hey that’s racist! I’m offended by your racist behavior. And because of that fact, you would never in any way possibly even remotely suspect that I’m secretly scared of black people. In fact if I was to randomly shoot a black guy for no reason, it would completely shock and stun you because you would never in a million years have been able to predict that that might happen.
White woman: What he hell are you talking about?
Ryan Phillippe: Racism, stupid. That’s all everyone EVER talks about. 24 hours a day we all just sit around talking about and thinking about racism. We have no thoughts or personality attributes or actions that don’t directly involve racism. You of all people should realize that – you’re white.
Sandra Bullock: Hi I’m Sandra Bullock.
All: What the hell are you doing here?
Sandra Bullock: How the fuck should I know? All I know is that I really hate Mexicans.
Ryan Phillippe: Wow, that’s really subtle.
Sandra Bullock: If you think that’s subtle you should see A History of Violence!
(They all laugh.)
Ludacris: Are you all laughing at my acting?
All: AHHH! A BLACK PERSON! Who the hell are you?!?
Ludacris: I’m Ludacris.
White Woman: So is this movie.
(They all laugh.)
The End.
Will Win: Trash (aka Crash)
Should Win: The Squid and the Whale
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Bob Dylan – “Freewheelin Bob Dylan” (album) (duh)
2.) Dave Chapelle
3.) “George Bush Doesn’t Like People” - The Legendary K.O.
3 & 1/2.) New Dutchwest article: http://dutchwestoven.blogspot.com/2006/02/andy-stokan-thank-you-dakota-fanning.html
Thought of the Week:
“If Jay Leno makes you laugh, chances are I don’t care for you as a person.” – Peter Griffin
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