Things That Are Exciting at Concerts and Not Exciting in Any Other Context

Putting your hands up

Go ahead, try putting your hands up right now. Not that fun was it? Now wave them side to side. You just feel foolish don’t you? That because you’re not at a concert. If you were, then what you just did would have been the must fun thing that has ever happened. Well other than waving them like you just don’t care. That shit’s orgasmic.

Following directions

“Put your hands together”

Okay

“Get up”

Okay

“Get down”

Okay

“Go kill a hobo”

Sounds good

Being asked to sing

If I was walking down the street and you pointed a microphone in my direction and asked me to sing my reaction would best be described as abject terror. But at a concert, yes I will gladly sing a verse of any random song loudly and passionately in the direction of your outstretched microphone. And I’ll love every second of it.

Having bodily problems

“My feet hurt, I have no voice, and there’s a loud ringing in my ears. What a great night!”

Geography

Non-concert situation:

-Musician: (says out loud name of current location)

-Other people: Yes, we know where we are located. Why did you just say that out loud? Do you think we’re lost and/or idiots?

At a concert:

-Musician: (says out loud name of current location)

-Other people: HOLY SHIT!!! He just mentioned the name of the place where we are located! WOOOHOOO! That excites me!! Very much!!!!

And heaven forbid someone in the audience is from the same place as the band is. All pandemonium will break loose.

Cigarette Lighters

“Hey look, I’m holding a flaming object dangerously close to my fingers! It’s really the best way I can think of to express the beauty of this song. Isn’t it amazing?”

Hipster douchebags who are too cool to dance, scream, or generally show any emotion at all other than mild annoyance

No, actually they’re still pretty loathsome. 

Things Were Simpler Back With The Dirt-Clods: Thoughts on “Where the Wild Things Are”

This being the internet and all I know I’m required to share my feelings on Where The Wild Things Are. Other people will, I'm sure, be able to write more articulately about its quality. My basic thoughts were - it’s wonderful and magical and thrilling and all that stuff. But you already knew that. There are some other things I’d like to focus on instead. Like:

-Holy shit, that’s exactly what it’s like to be a 9-year old boy! The movie I mean. I know that was Spike and Dave’s (we're on a first name basis) goal in making it, and wow, well done gentlemen. If aliens landed and wanted to know what the experience of being a nine year old human boy is like then that movie would be all they would need. So interesting to know that the feelings and experiences I had at that age were pretty universal. And also that in retrospect I was a bit of a brat.

-I don’t understand the charges that it was too “hipstery”. I didn’t see that at all. Although I have to say I don’t remember that scene where Max goes to the Grizzly Bear concert in McCarren Park from the book.

-Sure enough, at my showing there were plenty parents with kids walking out less than halfway through. And people have already taken to the internet to complain that their kids were bored/scared/hated it. Well no shit. Clearly it’s not a movie for kids. Have you seen any of the trailers? Do you know anything about the people involved with it? Yes, it’s based on what is ostensibly a children’s book, but there is enough very strong evidence out there that this film adaptation was not going to be for kids that unless you are a complete moron then you should have known not to take them. (Unless you have like, you know, really awesome kids.) But we saw this phenomenon this summer with Bruno too. People who walk out of a movie they should have never been at in the first place. And then afterwards getting upset with that movie, when what they should really be getting mad at is their own willful ignorance. It’s like if you really wanted a banana but instead you decided to get an orange because, well, hey, it’s a fruit, it must taste like a banana, and then asking for your money back when your orange doesn’t infact taste like a banana. You don’t get to complain, when the basis for your complaint is that you’re a moron. It’s not the orange’s fault that it doesn’t taste like a banana. It tried to warn you by being orange, and, you know, shaped nothing like a banana. So it’s actually your fault for ignoring the basic facts of the fruit at hand.

Look, I understand not wanting to go into a movie with too much information or any preconceived notions. And I’ve felt burned and let down by plenty of movies I paid to see in theaters. Even actively loathed a couple. But ultimately, if you’re walking out a movie it’s probably not the movie’s fault; it’s probably yours.

-If there’s not a music store in Williamsburg called “Max Records” within 10 years then I will be very shocked and disappointed.

-I could (and someday will) write a lot about the experience of working with kids. But the main thing in the film that struck me as being incredibly authentic to the experience of being a kid is the incredible power of their imaginations. You could take almost anyone between the ages of 5-10 and put them in a completely empty room and they would find some way to entertain themselves. They see the possibilities in things. In everything. To us "grownups" a stick is a stick. To them, a stick can be a sword, a strange mutant creature, a dear friend, or anything at all really.

When I was in elementary school I participated in a competition called Odyssey of the Mind. Part of the competition was something called the “spontaneous competition” in which someone would name an everyday object and then your team would have four minutes to come up with as many potential uses for that item as possible. I remember one year the item was a light bulb. My team came up with something like 50 different responses in our four minutes. And we weren’t even one of the best teams that year. Coming out of Where the Wild Things Are I was reminded of that competition and I tried to see how many responses I could come up with on my own as a seemingly wiser 27 year old. I couldn’t come up with any uses for a light bulb other than “light a room”. Not a single other thing. I vividly remember our “coach” back in those days saying, “enjoy the power of your imaginations now because when you get older you won’t be able to do things like this anymore. You won’t be able to see all these possibilities.” I remember it so vividly because it seemed like such an absurd statement. If I can come up with 40 uses for a light bulb as a 10 year old then wouldn’t I be able to come up with 100 of them as a 30 year old? Turns out the only possibility I couldn’t see was the possibility that knowing more would ensure that I would be able to see less.

Sometimes I worry that our constantly wired culture will hurt the development of kids’ imaginations, but I think ultimately imagination is something so innate to children that nothing can harm it. Except for age.

- I don’t know about you but I got really invested in the James Gandolfini character. I was really engrossed in his storyline and I couldn’t wait to see what would ultimately happen to him in the end. Then right when I was about to find ou

The Referendum

Usually spending large amounts of time reading random things on the internet makes my soul hurt. But occasionally it leads you to something great like this piece from the New York Times last month (propers to the always excellent Boxing Metropolis). It’s called “The Referendum” by Tim Kreider and you might have already read it as its been circulating the internet for a while now. But even if you have, I urge you to go read it again. It’s that good. Not only is it one of the best written things I’ve read this year, but it perfectly articulates so many things that I’ve been thinking about and feeling recently. There’s really nothing I can possible add to make it any better.

But I’ve never let that stop me before, so why start now?

Not to violate the basic rules I set up for this blog, but "The Referedum" has inspired me to get personal for a moment and talk about something that has everything to do with me and nothing to do, even in a tangential way, with pop culture or politics. I don’t know what it says about me that I can so personally relate to the struggles of a guy in his 40s, but I know that the ideas he addresses pretty closely tie into the three big lessons/ideas I'll take from this year.

1.) We are too closely connected
Shocking I know that I would have some issue with modern technology, but I really think human beings aren’t meant to be as closely connected as the internet now makes us. There are people I’ve never met in real life that I feel intimately connected to. I could write books about the lives of people I’ve met less than a handful of times. And with so much information about others at our finger tips it’s easy to write entire stories about the lives of others by simply filling in some blanks. The only problem is, those blanks are often massive gaping holes and the things we fill them with are pure invention. But we allow these stories we create to have the weight of fact and to have an actual affect on our being. But for every facebook or blog post about that Broadway play someone got cast in, or that piece they got published in The New York Times, or that summer they spent in the south of France, there are hundreds of posts they didn’t write about that audition they waited at for eight hours only to not even be seen, or that article they spent weeks working on that they never wound up feeling remotely good about, or those six months they spent living off unemployment checks. People mention the good and occasionally the mundane, but rarely the bad. But yet since we have a wealth of information seemingly available to us, those things that get mentioned take on the air of total truth. It seems like we have the whole story because we have 200 pages of the book, but in truth the book is thousands of pages long. And we were never meant to have that many pages in the first place. It’s dangerous and we‘re not evolved enough to handle it.

2.) People want to justify their life choices
Mr. Kreider’s main thesis is that there are so many choices available to us that we’re always wondering about the road not taken. The choices we didn’t make. That way of thinking can be overwhelming and lead to a deep existential crisis so we try as hard as we can to justify the choices we make as the correct ones. The superior ones. That’s why so many married people encourage others to get married, or so many people with kids talk about how great having kids is, or why I’m always trying to convince people that moving to LA is great idea that they should really consider. But that doesn’t mean getting married is really something everyone should do, or that having kids is a great thing, or moving to LA is a good idea. It doesn’t mean they’re not, it just means that most advice people give and most things people say are really as much about them as they are about you. We’re all self-interested beings and that’s not bad or good, it’s just human. So take everything with a grain of salt be tenacious with your questioning of all things. Listen to others but at the end of the day trust yourself and the choices you make. Your opinion is the only one that matters.

3.) You can’t compare yourself to others
When I was in high school there were few things I loved more than “Everyone’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)”. You know, the graduation speech full of little bits of advice that Baz Luhrmann set to music? It might, on an subjective level, seem cheesy, but still to this day rarely a week passes that one of its truisms doesn’t enter my thinking. (Lately “live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard” has really been resonating with me)

Anyway, since my high school days the part that I’ve liked the most has been “don’t waste your time on jealousy / sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind / but the race is long and in the end it’s only with yourself.” I could have just saved myself about 200 words and simply said that since I think that’s the essence of what Mr. Kriedler is saying. But I think the other two points I’ve mentioned are also relevant. It’s all one.

It’s too easy now to get caught up in wondering about other people’s journeys, but we’ll never enjoy our own lives if we don’t enjoy our own paths. (Look at me auditioning for the next Baz Luhrmann scored advice “song”…)

As this year is winding down I’ve been really reflecting on the lessons that it has taught and what I’ll take away from it. And then something like "The Referendum" comes along and really speaks to the heart of what this year has been about for me. So thanks for indulging me in this little slice of self-seriousness. I’ll get back to trivial bullshit again next.

But until then - don’t forget to wear sunscreen.

Things I Don't Understand

The expression “have your cake and eat it too”
Why would someone have a cake and not eat it? Has anyone ever ordered a cake so they could just look at it? Am I missing something here?

(And while we’re on the topic of strange expressions: Why do people say “kill two birds with one stone” like it’s a good thing? I mean why are we killing birds at all, let alone murdering them two at a time with rocks? That’s just cruel.)

Why there have been so many missed opportunities for synergy recently
-In the New York mayoral race I’m sure the candidates have things like “views on the issues” and “plans for the city”, but all I care about is the fact that none of them (to my knowledge) has made the song “Run This Town” a key element of their campaign. This is indefensible. Seriously at this point whoever is the first to use that song in a campaign ad or at a personal appearance has my vote. If no one uses it then I’m not voting. Simple as that. Now get to work, because through a strange loophole in the law my vote counts as 1,000 votes.

-Now that the book can be officially closed on the summer of ’09 it must be asked – how did we have a summer in which one of the most popular movies and one of the most popular songs were both about waking up hung over in Las Vegas and yet neither of them had anything to do with the other? Katy Perry’s CD came out like a year ago so that was plenty of time for the makers of The Hangover to incorporate “Waking Up In Vegas” into the movie in some way or at least add it to the soundtrack. It’s completely incomprehensible to me that this wasn’t done. I mean the song sounds like it was written for the movie. If they had commissioned Katy Perry to write a song specifically for the film there’s no way she could have done a better job. The fact that the music video isn’t one of those cheesy videos that features clips from the film amazes me. Whenever I hear the songs I can picture that video in my mind. How does it not exist? What kind of world is this? What, did Katy Perry and/or the makers of The Hangover have too much integrity? Did they not want to sell out? Someone explain this to me.

-The Noble Prize winners have been announced this week and none of the announcements have been accompanied by the playing of the song “Boom Boom Pow”? I mean wouldn’t any declaration of human greatness sound better if backed by that song? What expresses excellence in one’s field quite like a song with the lyrics “I’m on the supersonic boom/ Yall hear that spaceship zoom/ When when I step inside the room/ Them girls go apeshit, uh”? I mean the way he repeats the word “when” for no reason and then is unable to come with one more word at the end that rhymes with “room” – it’s genius. That is some good shit right there. Also, I may be confused as to the meaning of the word “good”.

The Parks and Recreation haters
Explain yourselves

Why I continue to watch Entourage
Our relationship is getting really abusive at this point. Next season I’m really expecting an episode entitled “Andy Stokan, Go Fuck Yourself”. And even then I think I would still keep watching. I haven’t been “involved” with something this bad since that time I dated Kirsten Dunst. I think next season I should just hit myself with a hammer once a week for 30 minutes until my brain starts hemorrhaging. It would be time better spent.

This


The David Letterman “Outrage”
Oh my God someone in the entertainment field was unfaithful to their significant other! A man in a position of power had a consensual sexual relationship with one of his subordinates! A clearly self-loathing and deeply insure person engaged in self-destructive behavior! Wow, I’m shocked. And, um, outraged or something? Seriously, how is any of this a big story? And how does the fact the he has made tons of jokes about infidelity over the years affect this in any way. That doesn’t make him a hypocrite, it makes him a comedian who was doing his job and will surely continue to do so. As Craig Ferguson said, "If we are now holding late-night talk show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out." And so am I. So back off and go back to being outraged about Jon and Kate or whatever. Because that shit is outrageous. Right? (I’m actually asking. Because I don’t know. They make my eyes bleed.)

Hooray for Television

As some of you may know, while in college I used to write regularly in this here online journal. This was back when people still called them online journals, so you’ll have to bear with me as I transition into the 21st Century. Anyway, I’ve decided to start updating it regularly again and what better way to kick it off than with a good ol’ fashioned awards show round up.

I was supposed to be boycotting this year’s Emmys over the lack of outrage that Amy Ryan wasn’t nominated for Best Guest Actress in a Comedy Series, but there are too many questions that need to be answered for me to stay away. For instance, can someone who is waiting to start watching Mad Men until after the current season comes out on DVD watch an entire Emmycast without being exposed to any spoilers? Will this be the year people finally confess that they too think Alec Baldwin is overrated? What will Ricky Gervais do to further win America’s heart? Is Tina Fey the greatest person since Jesus? Will someone shoot Anna Paquin in the face? Answers to all these questions (hopefully) await at the 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards.

--------------------------------------------

-I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks, but the moment is finally at hand: “A tired boring old show that nobody cares about – next on CBS!”
(Just to be clear, I’m talking about the Emmys)

-Speaking of CBS, you know what’s hip with the kids these days? Musical numbers.
First the Oscars, now the Emmys. I wonder if the Grammys will follow suit….

-Shows that were not featured in the “Year in Comedy” montage: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Eastbound & Down, Flight of the Conchords, Party Down, Better of Ted. Apparently they didn’t happen this year, even though one of them is nominated for Best Comedy Series.

-Aaron Sorkin used to date Kristen Chenoweth. This just needs to be said.
(On a related note, how small does one have to be to technically qualify as a “little person”?)

-Sarah Silverman’s mustache FTW.
(Note: I really just wanted an excuse to finally use the phrase FTW only two years after it became cool to do so. Now if only someone could explain to me what the hell a LOLCat is.)

-So apparently Tony Shaloub still exists. Who knew?

-HAHAHAHA oh my God, you’ll have to excuse me because I’m just laughing so hard at that Two and a Half Men clip. HAHAHA you see, HAHAHA Charlie Sheen is like this HAHAHA oh, hold on, hold on, I can do this….he’s HAHA a ladies’ man HAHAHA and he’s in charge of raising HAHAHAHA oh my god – in charge of raising a KID! LOLOLOLOLOL!! OMG that shit KILLS ME! It’s just too funny.

-Ummm, Jon Cryer just won an award...yeah, so that happened.

-Wow, a person playing a character with multiple personalities just won an acting award. I did not see that coming.

-Wow, the girls from Gossip Girl aren’t funny and can’t read. I did not see that coming.

-Wow, I really can’t come up with a way to keep this joke structure going. I did not see that coming.
(Actually, I totally did)

Phrases that would have sounded implausibly absurd 10 years ago:
-President Barack Obama
-Two time Emmy Winner Justin Timberlake
-Academy Award Winner Mo’Nique (oh just you wait…)

-Holy shit, what a year for death. That might have been the most star-studded dead people montage of all time. Death really did some phenomenal/terrible work this year.

(And just in case you were wondering, yes, we do live in a world where Patrick Swayze gets more applause than Walter Cronkite. And that’s the way it is.)

-You know what show I would watch? Tracy Morgan standing in front of a live open mike for 30 minutes. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that shit and be on the edge of your seat for every second of it.

-Wait, the three nominees for Breakthrough Performance of the Year are a scene from True Blood, a kiss on Gossip Girl and Kris Allen winning American Idol? Those are the three finalists? For the whole year? Who narrowed it down to those three options? Oh…random people who voted on the Internet? Remind me and my blog again why we take the opinions of random people on the Internet seriously.

-On the flip side, the thing from the Internet (Dr. Horrible) was the best part of the show. O Internet, why must I have such a conflicted relationship with you?

-You know what awards shows don’t have near enough of? Awards for Jon Stewart. Seriously, if the American Music Awards gave awards to Jon Stewart I would totally watch them.

-Between Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, Will Farrell doing George Bush, Tina Fay doing Sarah Palin, and Obama doing Obama I was already writing that the variety show montage was a leftist’s wet dream and then they had to go and end it with Barbara Streisand blowing kisses to Sean Penn at The Kennedy Center.
I think I just came a little.
Free federally funded gay marriage abortions for everyone!

-Hey it’s Ben Schwartz! Winning an Emmy! It took a lot for me to root against “Motherlover” but Ben just made it worth it by drastically raising the bar in the Most Successful Person I know competition. So congrats on that. (The Emmy is nice too I guess.)

-You know what I like best about Dancing with the Stars (well, besides none of it) – the dancing when there are no stars involved.

Reasons Jon Stewart is God
-He let one of his writers give the acceptance speech for the writing award even though he himself is technically the head writer
-From hosting the Oscars he knows how hard it is to be an awards show host, so he devoted a good chunk of his limited speech time to giving Neil Patrick Harris support and encouragement
-He kept the rest of his speech short, funny and heartfelt

-Hey you know how you think it’s an outrage that no one watched The Wire back when it was on? And how the thought of its comically low ratings makes your heart hurt in all the sad places? And how you feel very strongly that if humanity can’t support a show like The Wire then maybe we should just give up as a species and pray that in our absence something better and more deserving will evolve to take our place? Well you can’t think any of that if you didn’t watch David Simon’s Generation Kill. It was challenging, complex, complicated, and often tedious and confusing. It was also probably the best meditation and examination of modern warfare since Apocalypse Now. And it just lost the Emmy for Best Miniseries to someone or something called “Little Dorrit”

-And the award for most terrifying awards show acceptance speech ever goes to…Michael Emmerson! I’m unsure whether he was thanking his agents or threatening to murder them. I’m also unsure if what he does on Lost can be categorized as “acting”.

-Remember the days when people used the terms “nerd” and “geek” like they were bad things? On some level I think we might have swung too far on the other direction. I guess what I’m trying to say is, every now and then I need a good wedgie. We all do, dammit.

-It’s ironic that Jon Hamm is never going to win an Emmy solely because of the exactly one other drama series on his own network.

-30 Rock had a wildly uneven year and Alec Baldwin was even more overrated than usual. The Office had its best season ever and Steve Carell did some of the best non-Gervais work ever on a comedy series. So naturally 30 Rock and Alec Baldwin won again.

-And in a category I know nothing about and have no opinion on, Glen Close once again beats Holly Hunter, Zoey Bartlett, and the monster that ate Kyra Sedgwick.

-Finally, with all the Kanye jokes being tossed around, I think its worth stating that I’m starting to think Kanye/Swift might have been an inside job. I mean think about it, other than that incident it would have been an incident and controversy free VMAs. Would MTV really allow that to happen? And they learned from the Bruno/Eminem stunt that if it leaks out that it was staged then no one cares anymore. So with the Kanye thing you don’t need to rehearse it, it doesn’t take much to pull off, and everyone wins. Taylor Swift wins because it gets her in the headlines and massive amounts of sympathy. Beyonce wins because she looks like a hero. And MTV obviously wins big time. Hell, even Jay Leno wins if you want to take it that far. The question is what does Kanye get out of it? Well a rapper who releases an album of strange songs about pain and heartbreak that feature him signing in auto-tune is clearly someone who doesn’t really care what others think. He’s been trying to cultivate a rep for a while now as an eccentric genius. And in a world where people on reality shows actively try to be as unlikable and hateful as possible we certainly live in a “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” world. I mean there’s not a person alive now who doesn’t know who Kanye West is. And you’re telling me when he releases a new album with some super catchy radio-friendly jams people won’t go out and buy it? I think maybe he didn’t realize how strong the vitriol against him would be, but I don’t think it’s out of the question that Kanye would have agreed to the stunt if MTV promised him massive promotion when his next album comes out. I’m not necessarily saying the whole thing was staged, but I am saying if it turned out that it was an inside job I wouldn’t be remotely surprised. Then again I had a dream last night that Toby Keith interrupted Jordin Sparks’ acceptance speech at the People’s Choice Awards so maybe I’ve been thinking about this whole thing way too much and maybe I’m turning into a crazy person. So it’s probably best to just disregard everything I’ve said.

I Hate Entertainment

You know what I don’t want when I turn on fake awards shows that are known for being edgy and controversial? I don’t want anything edgy or controversial to happen. I especially don’t want anyone to be rude or discourteous to anyone else. I wouldn’t want anyone like say Chris Rock or Sarah Silverman or Russell Brand for example, to say or do anything disparaging about anyone else in attendance. Because I hate when people are “rude” to others. Everyone should be nice and civil above all else. Those are the qualities we all look for in our entertainment. That’s why no one likes Eminem or buys his music. Because he’s so rude. I mean thank God he has never said anything mildly disparaging at any point about any teenage female pop singers because then I would really be outraged and rant to boycott him. Because we all know that teenage girls are weak helpless creatures who cant possibly be expected to react well when someone interrupts them while they are speaking. They can sell out Madison Square Garden sure. Or headline a worldwide concert tour. But handle being interrupted and disparaged? No way! How Taylor Swift didn’t just curl up into the fetal position and start crying I’ll never know. Because she’s like a precious piece of very fragile glass. All teenage girls are. We shouldn’t expect anything else from them. I mentioned she’s a teenage girl right? So we should pity her and always be nice to her no matter what. I mean all she did was chose to show up to the VMAs. Its not like she signed up to be a part of some edgy and often uncivil event. Its not like she decided to come to a place where people have ever starting fighting in the audience or interrupted each other’s acceptance speeches before. And when you have Kanye West at an event as civil and classy as the VMAs how could she ever predict he would do something like what he did? It was shocking really. And you know who would never do anything like that? Beyonce. Because she is nice, or classy, or some other adjective that is in no way a polite way of saying “bland personality-less cipher”. She would never use her words or actions to entertain us in some spontaneous way that wasn’t choreographed and rehearsed and test marketed to within an inch of its life. She would never speak her mind to say that a video that was a cultural phenomenon and an iconic work deserved to beat a completely average and conventional video that no one even knew existed. Beyonce wouldn’t care about the right artistic works being properly recognized and she certainly wouldn’t advocate for her friend. Because she is a nice person. And thank God for that.

But you know who is not a nice person and would totally do all those things? Kanye West. And I really wish he hadn’t done them because then no one would be talking about him and certainly no one would be talking about an otherwise boring and meaningless awards show. Hey remember all those VMAs when no one did anything scandalous or tacky? Yeah neither do I. And that’s how I like it. So shame on you Kanye for keeping us from that. I really wish I could have heard all of Taylor’s boring, unentertaining reading of a list of names for an award that doesn’t mean anything and that no one cares about. Way to ruin a perfectly boring moment Kanye! I think we all as a nation agree that we wish as an entertainer you would stop doing things that are so entertaining. That’s not what being an entertainer is about after all. It’s about being nice at all times.

When it comes to entertainers, I only like the ones who seem like nice people who I can sit down and have a beer with. That’s how I decide whom to vote for in elections too. Not the best candidate, but the one that seems the nicest. And so it is with entertainers. I don’t like the ones who entertain me; I only like the ones who seem like nice, uninteresting people. Complex, controversial figures are really of no interest to me. In fact I hate them. Besides Kanye other celebrities I don’t like include anyone who has ever have cheated on their spouse, neglected their kids, broken the law, endangered the lives of others, or treated those around them terribly. Because those things are also not nice. And so I am equally as outraged by all of those activities as I am by Kanye West interrupting a speech at an awards show. Remember how I always tweet about my outrage whenever any of those other things happen? So while I am rightly angered by Kanye’s behavior, all of you heartless people who like being entertained by your entertainers, you can just save your outrage and indignation for something more important that you feel actually matters.

Like the Emmys.

A Fan's Dilemma

The release of a new Third Eye Blind album a few weeks back has presented a major problem for me. See I’m a Third Eye Blind. And not in a nostalgic ironic way. I like their new stuff. I subscribe to their newsletter and visit at least three different websites related to their music on a semi-regular basis. I have every song they’ve ever recorded plus enough bootlegs and live recordings to fill three CDs. So yeah, I’m a FAN. So why is this a problem? Because, well, because they’re Third Eye Blind.

Look, as I’ve said here previously I don’t really believe in guilty pleasures. If something gives you pleasure then why should you feel guilty about it? I still believe this strongly. And I know I really shouldnt care what others think. And about most things I dont. But if you were to ask me to name my favorite bands I can pretty much guarantee you that Third Eye Blind would never come up.

And that’s a problem. I think.

Quentin Tarantino got me thinking about this problem right around when the new Third Eye Blind album came out. He did an interview in which he named his favorite movies from the past 17 years and it’s a stunningly strange list that includes things like Anything Else, Unbreakable, and Speed. When you’re Quentin Tarantino you can do things like that. In fact it’s pretty much expected. But if he were an up and coming director who hadn’t made Pulp Fiction and was trying to be taken seriously in the film industry would he be as willing to argue in defense of Anything Else? Would that make his facebook page? I don’t know. Maybe he wouldnt care, but I do. I do care what infomation is out there about me. Because you know what happens when I meet someone new? I friend them on facebook and then I make judgments and assumptions about them based on the things they’ve chosen to list on their facebook page. And I’m not alone in this. We all do to some degree. Because in the facebook age our like and dislikes are more than just that; they’re cultural signifiers.

And that brings me back to Third Eye Blind. I always mention to strangers my love for the Beatles. Not only  are they truly my favorite band, but they also have the added benefit of being completely safe and universally beloved. Loving the Beatles makes me look good without saying too much else. And once I know you better I’ll talk to you about U2. They’re obviously a much more divisive band, but what they are about is such a strong signifier of what I am about, that my love for them says a lot about where I am coming from in the world. It's significant to understanding me as a person to know that I’m a U2 fan. But Third Eye Blind will probably never ever come up. Not because I’m necessarily embarrassed by it or because I feel guilty about it, but because I know how it looks from the outside. What they signify to the outside world. It would seem to me the equivalent of someone saying to me that they were big fans of Smashmouth. And I know what I would think about that person. And I don’t want people to think those things about me. Because what Third Eye Blind fandom seems to signify in popular culture is not what I am about. My Third Eye Blind fandom doesn’t signify accurately who I am. I am not “Third Eye Blind Fan”. I mean, yes, technically I am, but saying that just obfuscates the message. I can pick all the members of TV on the Radio out of a lineup no sweat, I’ve would describe Dan Deacon as the best concert going experience of my life, and I love the new Dirty Projectors album. And all of these things would seem to be equally as important and unimportant to understanding who I am as a person as the Third Eye Blind thing. But yet the Third Eye Blind “thing” is the signifier that most people would latch onto. Because it’s the ways that we’re different from the norm of those around us that are of interest to those trying to get a handle on us. Liking Star Wars doesn’t really say much about you, other than that you’re alive and possibly male. But NOT liking Star Wars, or never having seen Star Wars, would seem to say a great deal about you. And it would say things that you might not want said if, say, you were looking to meet a bunch of sci-fi inclined movie-loving males.

And so when I meet cultured, intelligent, hip young New Yorkers I mention The Beatles and Radiohead and Stevie Wonder. And then later I’ll mention U2 and Kanye West. But much like how I say my favorite movies are Annie Hall and Almost Famous, while knowing deep down that if I had to chose one movie to take with me to a deserted island it would be Primary Colors, the truth is that I haven’t listened to anything other than the new Third Eye Blind album in the past three weeks.

That’s who I am.

And also it’s not.

I just can’t decide.

Rejected Lyrics

Rejected Lyrics For Taylor Swift’s Love Song Before She Decided On “You Were Romeo, I Was A Scarlet Letter”

• You were Jay Gatsby, I was a red hunting hat
• You were Huck Finn, I was the blood on Lady Macbeth’s hands
• You were Guy Montag, I was a streetcar named desire
• You were Gilgamesh, I was a red-armed prole woman
• You were the Ministry of Truth, I was an allegory for the actions of the House Un-American Activities Committee
• You were Tess of the D’Urbervilles, I was a profound sense of boredom

Lyrics Avril Lavinge Rejected In Favor Of “I'm the Motherfuckin Princess”

• I’m the ass-kickin porcelain doll
• Bitch, I’m the debutant
• I’m the goddamn bunny rabbit

Rejected Follow Ups To “Birthday Sex”

• Valentines Day Fellatio
• Christmas Handjob
• St. Patrick’s Day Dry Humping
• Veterans Day Heavy Petting
• Arbor Day Hug
• Administrative Professionals Day Orgy

Names Rejected by Lady Gaga

• Princess Gaga
• Dutchess of Gaga
• Queen Gaga II
• 3rd Earl of Gaga
• Sovereign of the Distinguished Order of Gaga
• Kajagoogoo

Lyrics 3OH!3 Reluctantly Rejected That Were Only Marginally More Offensive Than “Shush girl, shut your lips / Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips”

• I’m a German, you’re a Jew / Time to party like its ‘42
• Is this another Nine Eleven? / Or have I died and gone to heaven?
• Let’s have an orgy with Jesus / Cuz I know he can please us / Orally that is

Why A 59-Year-Old Man Losing A Golf Tournament Is What Sports Are All About

As someone surrounded by artistic types, I frequently have to defend my love and passion for sports. And in defending my love for sports I often find myself trying to explain why they are important and why they matters. And sure there are plenty of reasons, both big and small why I’m a sports fan and why I think following sports is a legitimately good and worthwhile way to spend ones time, but one of the best arguments I can make was illustrated today by Tom Watson’s loss at the British Open.

For those who don’t know, The British Open is one of golf’s four major championships – like the Super Bowl, only there happened to be four each year. The legacy of a golfer is defined by how he plays in the majors. And major championships are events that are watched by the whole world. Well heading into the final hole of the British Open today an American named Tom Watson was in the lead. This might not seem significant until I mention the fact that Tom Watson is 59 years old. Yes, that’s right, 59. Many of his competitors hadn’t even been born yet when he won his first British Open. He had been a great player in his day, but he had been forgotten about, written off, and basically left for dead. And in a sports world where 40 is considered ancient, 59 is practically corpse-like. If he were to win this tournament he would become the oldest champion in any sport in American sports history by over 12 years. It would be almost beyond historic. Words really can’t do it justice.

So as Tom Watson strolled up the fairway of his final hole to thunderous applause it was one of the most beautiful and moving moments Id ever seen on a TV screen. I saw all the old men in the crowd, who seemed so hopeful and full of life and suddenly not so old after all. I thought of my Dad at home with his bad knees and bad back and chronically sore feet watching this man only a few months younger than himself about to win one of the toughest and most fiercely competitive sporting events in the world. I watched in awe as Tom Watson made his way to his ball, and as the power and beauty of the moment began to engulf me, my eyes started to well up with tears. All he had to do was make this simple 8-foot putt and the championship would be his. History would be made. It would be a moment I would one day tell my kids about.

And then he missed the putt. And he missed it badly.

And that’s why I love sports.

We spend so much of our free time consuming scripted entertainments of all types- movies, TV shows, plays, etc. – and yet no one ever really questions the validity of these “arts”. Their value seems clear – they provide entertainment and hopefully say something about life and the human condition. But when I was waiting for Tom Watson to make his putt today I was pacing around the room, palms sweaty, heart beating out of my chest and I couldn’t remember the last thing I watched that entertained and engaged me on such a strongly visceral level – well besides other sporting events. And more crucially, in almost any movie he makes that putt. But he didn’t. Because that’s how sports work. Sometimes the good guys lose. Sometimes the bad guys win. Sometimes beautiful moments fall apart in an instant and in other moments the mundane becomes sublime. Sports are often boring and almost always disappointing in the end. But then sometimes things happen that are so wonderful and incredible that they would be impossible to make up no matter how hard you tried. And there’s often no rhyme or reason for any it. All this sound like anything you know? It should, because its life. Life as it actually is, and not life as scripted “art” would have it be. It’s the reality that reality TV can only hope to be. But it never can because anything that is in any way scripted or controlled will always have a level of remove from real life. Whenever you’re watching a movie you know in the back of your mind that no matter how bad things get the hero won’t die, the boy won’t lose the girl, the world won’t end. And even if those things do happen, it’s okay - it’s not real. You have the safety of artificiality to guard you.

But if you want to experience entertainment without that safety net, entertainment where there is real heartbreak and real disappointment, real joy and real ecstasy, well I've got something for you.

Its called sports.

And it’s awesome.

Open Letter to the Academy

Dear Motion Picture Academy,

So I hear that you’ve decided to expand the number of Best Picture nominees from 5 to 10.

On the one hand, it’s awesome that now Pixar has a guaranteed Best Picture slot every year. And maybe some of the foreign movies that are ineligible for Best Foreign Language Film due to the ridiculous foreign film rules will get some love.

On the other hand, everyone seems to be acting like it’s a great thing that now more popular films might be nominated. First of all, isn’t making a ton of money reward enough for popcorn films? And why is populism always treated like it’s such a great thing? All this really means is that now there’s even less motivation to make smart, challenging, interesting films for intelligent adults. The prestige of a possible Best Picture nomination was a key factor in getting many movies of that ilk greenlit, but now that studios can possibly get that same thing with some pandering popcorn films, why take a chance on an art house movie that might only make $5? Hasn’t the video game/comic book/sci-fi crowd taken over enough of pop culture already? Can’t I please just still keep my Oscars? Or are we now officially a nation of 12-year old boys? And sure, maybe more people will watch the telecast now, but who cares? Since when has bending to the will of the American public ever been proven to be a good thing? And also, if this means that any of those so-called "unimportant awards" will be bumped from the telecast...well I don’t even want to contemplate the length of the rant that that would inspire.

Look I realize I care too much (okay, WAAAY too much) about the Oscars, but we're all geeks about something. (Otherwise we wouldn’t be spending so much time on the internet.) And I'm just asking you to not mess anymore with the one thing in pop culture that I truly love. Thanks.

Yours truly,
fredtheonlnejournal

My Week With Morrie

Thursday: random acts of vandalism
Friday: strip joint
Saturday: hookers
Sunday: arson
Monday: freebasing heroin
Tuesday: life lessons and spiritual uplift
Wednesday: death

Thoughts Had While Listening To The Radio III

There are few things better than a day job that forces you to listen to a constant heady brew of Z100, kids songs, and other people’s iPod playlists, as it provides you much fodder for humorous (or not) thoughts and observations about music and a chance to do another installment of the feature that was the impetus for starting this blog.

(As always, thanks to Eryck Tait for his contributions.)

-I think a better song lyric than “put your hands up like you just don’t care” would be “put your hands up like you care very passionately about this song”. I just don’t understand why so many musicians are so pro-apathy.

-Okay, if you don’t understand a single word that somebody says and yet you have no qualms about drinking that person’s wine, then you’re just a dick. Even if that "person" might happen to be a bullfrog.

-Consider the fact that 1999 will for today kids always be a song about the past. Crazy huh?

-If Billy Joel is right and when you love someone you’re always insecure, then I guess I love everyone in the world.

-“I’m like a performer, the dance floor is my stage”? Um, Britney, I’m not sure you understand exactly how a simile works…

-Speaking of Britney…
I think it’s still a little ambiguous. Am I or am I not a womanizer? You really need to be more clear on that.

-Dear lead pussycat doll,
I’m a little confused by you using the words “hot” and “like me” in the same sentence. I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?

-Really though, who does give a fuck about an oxford comma?

-So that Chris Brown song No Air really takes on new resonance now does it?
(Too soon?)

-Seriously, why does the black one gotta be Scary Spice?

-You really haven’t lived until you’ve listened to edited versions of Nelly songs with 5-year olds.

-Like all right thinking people, I hate I Kissed A Girl. But my main complain with it isn’t that it’s too risqué, it’s that it’s too conservative. Seriously what world are you living in where your boyfriend would mind that you kissed another girl? The only thing he would be mad about is that it wasn’t videotaped. And “that’s not what good girls do, that’s not how they should behave”? What year is this, 1872? I guarantee you there’s not a girl alive over the age of 22 who hasn’t kissed another girl. That’s exactly what good girls do. It’s called sophomore year of college. What’s Katy Perry’s follow up single – I Crammed For My Mid-Terms?

-If Cruela De Vil doesn’t scare you no evil thing will? That might be overstating Cruella de Vil’s scariness somewhat. For example I would argue that Nazi Vampires would be scarier than Cruella de Vil, but maybe that’s just me.

-Finally here’s a fun activity for you. You know how you hate Bon Jovi’s You Want To Make A Memory so much that it makes you want to douse yourself with gasoline and light yourself on fire? Well no more! Because next time you hear it, listen to it as though it were written about Richie Sambora. Imagine that’s it’s secretly Jon Bon Jovi’s song for his lover, Richie Sambora, and it becomes maybe the greatest song ever written. If while listening to it in this context you don’t find Richie’s backing vocals to be the very definition of unintentional comedy then I really don’t know what to tell you. So really, give the song a listen with this thought in mind. You can thank me later.