Guilty as Charged

Hi there. I’m writing really small because I have an important and very personal secret to reveal to you today.

I like a Kelly Clarkson song.

Yes, that Kelly Clarkson. I like one of her songs.

No I don’t think U you understand. I really, REALLY like a Kelly Clarkson song. I like a Kelly Clarkson song so much that after living in place for seven months that didn’t allow me to illegally download music the first thing I did upon setting up my computer in my new place was to download said Kelly Clarkson song. I did that before I even hooked up my printer or speakers. That’s how much I like “Since U Been Gone”. And believe it or not, I’m not even gay! So I don’t even have a valid excuse.

Oh yeah, except this one: It’s a good song.

Now I do realize I’m revealing this secret on the internet in an online blog, the province of the innately hip and judgmental. I know that people like you never let arguments like “it’s a good song” get in the way of your cultural superiority. But guess what? You like it too. Don’t worry though, Ted Leo said its okay. In fact he liked the song so much he did a cover of it. That’s right, Mr. Ted Leo, of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – the most hip pretentious band name since Stephan Malkimus and the Jicks or whatever Billy Corgan’s next band is called - did a cover of “Since U Been Gone”. So there. Fredtheonlinejournal and Ted Leo both have publicly stated they like “Since U Been Gone”. What you got to say about that?

Now “cool” people have been secretly liking “manufactured radio friendly pop songs” since the beginning of time. I’m sure Olaf the Caveman used to keep his Goldor Boys CDs in a special CD case under his bed where no one would find them. And this continues today. I know you’ve got your ABBA Gold in between your A Tribe Called Quest and your Aphex Twin on your Ipod. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And that’s what me and Ted Leo are here to tell you: Stop feeling guilty about your guilty pleasures.

Now I know all the reasons one “should” feel guilty about liking a radio friendly pop song produced by some faceless corporate entity and performed by some prepackaged artificial pop star, but I aint buyin any of them. As proof let me one by one remove them from my ideological shopping cart so we can proceed to the conclusion without them.

*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t write their own songs!”

Well neither did Elvis or Frank Sinatra or Aretha Franklin. Hell Bobby Darin’s entire career was founded on a song by Bertolt Brecht. Ray Charles didn’t write “Georgia on My Mind” On”, Sinead O’Connor didn’t write “Nothing Compares to U”, Marvin Gaye wasn’t the original author of “Whats Goin On” and Sisquo didn’t write “The Thong Song”. Does that somehow make them not as good? Actually lets just forget that last one. I think Sisquo actually DID write “The Thong Song”.

*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t play their own instruments!”

Did Otis Redding play an instrument? Did Robert Plant? Does Bono? Does Meg White?

*”(Fill in the blank) is so mainstream and/or lacking in artistic merit!”

You know who was the biggest mainstream pop band of all time? The Beatles. I mean what else would you classify their music as? You know who else is “pop”? The B-52s, Brian Wilson, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Phil Spector, Carol King, Prince, Steely Dan, Todd Rundgren, ELO, The Bee Gees, and the list goes on and on. You like any music by any of those artists? Then what’s the big deal?

Well, let me assume some things about the general attitude many people around here have towards pop music because we all know what assuming does.

It makes me really cool.

“Pop” is short for “popular”. Which is what you weren’t earlier in life, or maybe even today. Okay, I get it. But don’t take it out on music. “Mmmbop” never shoved you in a locker. “Cry Me A River” never wouldn’t go to the dance with you. “Fred the Online Journal” didn’t just use a double negative in that last sentence. “I’m” not a liar. But I am veering wildly off track. Point is, get down off your high horse and accept that just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact if the goal of art is to express universal truths then shouldn’t it stand to reason that the art that speaks to the greatest number of people is greater than the art that speaks to only a few. “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, “Joshua Tree”, “American Idiot”, “Nevermind”, “OK Computer”- these are albums that are able to be of the highest artistic quality and yet also be found in nearly everyone’s CD collection. Now of course those are all “cool” albums, but we all know you have “Thriller”, “Cracked Rear View”, “Justified”, “Devil Without a Cause”, “Saturday Night Fever”, “The Immaculate Collection”, a few 20th Century Master’s CDs, and who knows what else too. And you know what? Those albums aren’t any less valid. They serve just as a great a purpose as the ones on the first list. And I should know because I own them all too. And I’m proud of it. Because SOMETHING about those multi-million copy selling CDs speaks to great numbers of people, even if the only thing it speaks to is the desire to “shake your ass” and/or “watch yourself”. But even if getting you to dance is its only real goal, popular mainstream songs definitely serve an invaluable role in the world. Pop music strives to create a shared experience among all people. A sort of musical bond. Put on Wilco at a social function and it’s nice and all, but put on “YMCA” “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Ice Ice Baby” and see what happens. The world needs songs that EVERYONE knows and enjoys.

Also, these songs often speak in the most direct way to universal themes. Love, betrayal, lust, longing, hurt. You know, those cliché things called emotions. You can’t tell me that “Sometimes” by Britney Spears and “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguliara aren’t deep in their own ways. And explain to me how Beck singing “Na na Na na na na Na na” or “flashdance asspants” is any more artistically valid than Hanson singing “Mmmbop ba du ba dop Ba du bop”. Is it just because he’s Beck and they’re Hanson? That argument won’t hold up in court.

Instead of fighting it, just embrace that fact that sometimes when you need a little directness or a little nonsense it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. Which brings us back to “Since U Been Gone”, a song that carries on the proud tradition of “I Will Survive”, “Survivor”, and everything else in the “I’m Better Off Without You” genre. Sure when you have a breakup, “Sea Change” and Elliot Smith are nice. But I bet some mid 90’s country music and “Since U Been Gone” work pretty good too.

Someone wiser than I once said there’s not “high art” and “low art”, there’s just “art”. And I think that’s true. And in fact trying to go against that maxim usually leads to trouble. For as many songs as there are like “Since U Been Gone” that shouldn’t be good but are, there are just as many songs that should be good but aren’t because they try so hard to be “artistic”. For exhibits A-Z turn to Bright Eyes’ “When the President Talks to God”. It’s a great song lyrically and I firmly believe it could have actually made a difference in the election if the words and ideas in it had been heard by more people. But of course Connor Oberst wrapped his lyrics in a strictly acoustic song devoid of any rhythm or melody. If he had actually wanted to make a difference with his song he would have added a bunch of “music” to it, actually bothered to sing the words, and given it some sort of catchy or memorable or at least existent melody. That way it could have been played on the radio reached the people who needed to hear it and really made a difference in the world. Instead he refused to sacrifice one ounce of his “indie cred” to actually make a difference in the world and instead made the song as hip and inaccessible as possible insuring that it would only ever be heard by and affect those who already agreed with him in the first place. It would be like if John Fogarty had said “hey I’ve got this song ‘Fortunate Son’ but instead of putting a melody to it and singing the words, I’m gonna strum a chord on my acoustic guitar every few seconds and speak the words in a really grating aggressive pretentious voice.” I mean, it’s just ridiculous. Most these “indie bands” will never change the world because they hold it in such contempt. Their fear of pop and the common man will hold them back from ever really making an impact on the world. Ironic that liberalism is supposed to be about openness and acceptance and yet “we” can’t tolerate anyone different than us, or who listens to Britney Spears.

Now this isn’t to defend someone who only listens to pop. But it’s just speaking out against people who aren’t well rounded and accepting of good art and entertainment no matter where it might come from. The person who only listens to Britney Spears is no worse than the person who only listens to jazz or only listens to hip hop. One may be stupid and the other just too specialized, but either way they are both missing out on the fullness of life. So don’t be that guy or gal who takes that pretentious tone and says “I don’t watch TV” or “I don’t listen to the radio” or some other such thing. Such there’s a lot of crap out there, but there’s a lot of good too. Now this is coming from someone who’s as guilty of these sins as anyone, but it’s also coming from someone who coined the phrase “just because it’s on the radio doesn’t mean its bad”. And it’s that side of me I’m going to listen to now. I’m committed to becoming a reformed cultural snob. I can change. We all can. And that’s why I’m admitting to all of this here today.

So repeat after me:
“If it’s good, it’s good…even if Kelly Clarkson sings it”

It’s alright, just say it. Pop music wont bite. It’s perfectly harmless. In fact the way I see it, pop music is like chocolate- it doesn’t really provide any nourishment and if you ate it all the time you would be a fat slovenly bum who would die of a heart attack at age 40, but it does bring pleasure to your life, and when you DO eat it, it’s damn good. So eat your vegetables and your fruits and your grilled chicken pita wraps, but don’t forget dessert. And when you eat that dessert, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel “guilty”. Because unless you’re friends with Laura Flynn Boyle, then everyone you know eats their fair share of sweets. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Indulge a little and don’t be embarrassed about it or feel the need to pretend you didn’t enjoy it or purge it from your system afterwards. Don’t be cultural bulimics. Don’t feel bad about enjoying “The Wedding Crashers”. Don’t hide your copy of “Mean Girls” when you have company. Don’t act like you don’t know the words to “Baby Got Back”. Because when it comes to songs like “Baby Got Back” and “Since U Been Gone” you can’t say they are not catchy, or that they don’t make you want to get up and dance (or at least move around excitedly).
But if you want to accuse them of giving you pleasure…well then…I guess they’re guilty.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Rita Watch (word to my peeps in H-Town)
2.) Common - "Be" (album)
3.) Scrabble
3 & 1/2.) ESPN


Thought of the Week:
"I dont think there are going to be any parents naming their kids Katrina for at least five years now. Just like there havent been too many kids born lately named Nine Eleven." - Caroline McGraw

MTV Killed the Video Star

Sometimes you know things will disappoint you but you do them anyway. Watching Saturday Night Live, paying to see a new Star Wars movie, having sex with your mom, and of course watching the VMAs. It wasn’t always like this though. As recently as three years ago the VMAs had Eminem feuding with puppets, Chris Rock insulting celebrities to their face, a guy from Rage Against the Machine climbing on the set, Blink 182 dancing with midgets, and girls kissin’ other girls while dressed in wedding attire. Now though, we got R. Kelly lip-synching, MC Hammer attempting to be cool, and Diddy not doing anything even remotely funny. This of course answers the question everyone has been asking me which is: “Diddy?” Well no, he didn’t.
Moving on…
All in all, it was even more unmemorable than last year and that’s saying something. In fact it took me a week after the fact to even post this, because I figured that’s how long it would take most people to bother to check out the show on one of MTV’s five reruns a day. More troubling than the lack of excitement this year though, was seeing what was nominated for the top awards. Usually no matter how bad the show itself was, the awards part of the evening was pretty good. Quality videos were always nominated and you usually cared what won. Sure there was some crap thrown in, but when it came to the biggies like “Video of the Year” and the “MTV2 Award” usually all the nominees were really high quality groundbreaking videos, sometimes for relative obscure acts. Don’t forget, videos like “Freak on a Leash” “Hurt” “99 Problems” “Virtual Insanity” “Buddy Holly” and “Weapon of Choice” were all nominated for the top award. And in perhaps the best case ever of “sticking it to the man” when said “man” is yourself, Neil Young’s “This Note’s for You” video won Video of the Year even though MTV refused to ever air it. Now you may ask yourself how I remember that. Well it’s because I remember that video. I remember all those aforementioned videos. They made an impact on me and impressed me with their artistry. In our lifetime we’ve seen videos go from being a mere promotional tool for a song to an art form in and of itself. So that’s why it’s depressing to look at the nominees from this year. Sure “Speed of Sound” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” are great songs, but great videos? That’s questionable at best. And you can honestly tell me that the videos for “Locked Up” and “Still Tippin’” have a shred of artistic merit? Of course you can’t. But then again you can’t say much about them, because you’ve probably never even seen them. No one has. Because MTV has given up on videos. Now I know that it’s been en vogue to hate on the station that brought us En Vogue for not playing videos since almost the day the station started, but it’s truer now that it ever has been. It’s gotten so bad that now MTV has actually lunched an ad campaign to defend itself against the criticism that they no longer play videos. Funny thing is if they would just spend all the time they use defending themselves against the charges that they don’t play video to, oh I dunno, actually play videos, then we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. But we are instead now at a point where no one can even debate whether the VMAs nominees are good or bad because no one has seen any of the videos. The sad part is that the quality of videos being produced is constantly getting better and better, yet the average person doesn’t ever get to see them. There’s stuff out there now that’s better shot and more creative and artistically relevant than 90% of feature films. But you would never know that from watching MTV. Because they refuse to acknowledge that videos even exist. Its like a father leaving his family, but instead of leaving the kids when they are little, waiting instead until they have grown up into genius world-renowned superstars and then ditching them to go marry some stripper he met at a bar and raise her dirty drug addict kids in their place. Any way you want to look at it the relationship between MTV and the art form they helped spawn couldn’t be any more sad and ironic. And not ironic in an Alanis Moresitte not-actually-ironic-but-really-more-just-coincidental way, but in an actually ironic way. Also, did I mention it’s really sad? I mean they birthed the art form of videos and then left it for dead. But just like Moses, videos will one day rise up and have all of your first-born male children killed. And they will part the Red Sea too. I know they will. Because they are just that cool. As for things that aren’t cool, well here are my other thoughts on the VMAs:

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-Believe me no one likes "Mr. Brightside" more than me, but perhaps it’s time for a new song. The fireworks were pretty fuckin cool though. On a related note can we get Brandon Flowers some charisma? I think Kayne can loan you some dude.

-Does Lil’ Kim appreciate the irony of her name?

-Remember when Diddy invented the remix?

-Has anyone ever seen Ciarra and Beyonce in the same place at the same time? Just wondering…

-Whoever is in charge of the Taco Bell ads must be stopped. Seriously someone is gonna get hurt and its probably gonna be me.

-Did you know Rachael McAdams is 29?!? How is this possible?

Who the hell is…
…The Bishop Magic Don Juan?
…BS?
…T.I.?

-Sometimes the pressure to make a good joke is just too intense. For example see the reageton performance.

-If I killed Eva Longoria would anyone be opposed?

-On a related note: Ricky Martin is still alive?

-Some things you can live down, some things you cant, and some things are Mariah Carey’s episode of “Cribs”

-What exactly is a hollaback girl?
(How has no one looked into this yet?)

-Run away winner for Quote of the Night:
Kurt Loder on the post show: “Word to the reaggeton thing”

-The Gorillaz aren’t there to accept their award? How can this be?!?

-With Shakira is the actual music she’s dancing to even relevant at this point?

-Can someone please explain “Trapped in the Closet” to me? I mean who would imagine that the song would actually be gayer than the title? And how did it get so much radio play? Really I don’t understand the whole thing. It’s one of the more bizarre musical phenomenons in our lifetime, and the strangeness of it all hasn’t gotten nearly the analysis it needs. I would do the job myself if I even remotely comprehended it. And what the deal with R. Kelly? Isn’t he supposed to be in jail or something? Can we please get that trial under way VERY soon?

-Someone did tell 50 Cent that when you cuss on live TV they just mute the sound right?

-Is it wrong of me that I actually care about the fate of Hilary Duff and Joel Madden as a couple?…Okay let’s just pretend I never mentioned this…

-Do you ever wonder what real non-reality show created artists think about the success of Kelly Clarkson? Do you ever wonder if Kelly Clarkson’s shoes wonder where he feet are? Do you ever wonder if I might or might not write a lengthy essay devoted entirely to “Since U Been Gone”? Well you should.

-I think more really needs to be being made about what Green Day is doing right now. If Ray Charles hadn’t died I think there is universal agreement that they would have won the Grammy for Album of the Year and would have deserved it. They now have also swept a youth oriented awards show on a station that doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of rock anymore. They have an album that is not only the best of its year, but also the most popular of its year. How many bands have been able to make that claim? Very, very few. There have already been four top 20 singles off “American Idiot” and there will likely be two or three more before all is said and done. And there are only 13 tracks on the album. That’s an almost “Thriller” like ratio of hits to non-hits. And it’s not just that they are hits. There are also freakishly good songs. And it’s not just the most popular and one of the best selling albums of the year, it’s also the most important "punk" album since “London Calling” in terms of scope, influence, quality, and relevance. All this being said I think its clear that Green Day isn’t getting nearly enough credit for what they are in the midst of accomplishing. I mean if you can get an 8-minute 5-part intro to a punk rock opera not only played on the radio, but played with extreme frequency, then that opens the door for pretty much anything in not only the world of punk, but in the world of popular music as a whole. In an era when it feels like everything has already been done, especially in rock/punk, when new things are done I don’t think there’s any way to overstate their importance. I could say more but my fingers might start to bleed if I really let loose. Just know that with Green Day right now, we are experiencing something we may never experience again, and appreciate it and soak it up now for all its worth, cause who knows when the next time is that something like this will come along.

Best commercials aired during the show:
1.) Any and all Red Stripe commercials
2.) The salmon eaten by bear Geico commercial
3.) The monster/robot Hummer H3 commercial

Things Diddy should have asked My Chemical Romance to do other than perform:
1.) Rehearse
2.) Get him a sandwich
3.) Not perform

Best rap names I had never heard before the VMAs
1.) Fat Man Scoop
2.) Styles P
3.) Olu Dara

Me Responding to Rap Songs:
T.I.- “U Don’t Know Me”: “You’re right. I don’t.”
Mike Jones- “Who is Mike Jones?”: “I don’t know”
Snoop- “Drop It Like It’s Hot”: “Okay”
Destiny’s Child- “Lose My Breath”: “I'd be glad to help with that.”
Ciarra- “Oh”: “Oh?”

-Okay so this is only tangentially related to the VMAs but another day cannot go by without me discussing a topic that is very important to me: Formula 50 Vitamin Water. That’s right, 50 Cent’s very own flavor of Vitamin Water. I seriously don’t even know where to begin when discussion this other than with a simple question: how? For a little review before we begin- Jay-Z promotes a Grey Goose cognac, Nelly has something called “Pimp Juice”, and Lil’ Jon of course has “Crunk Juice”. What does 50 Cent, the gangsterist gangster of them all have? A flavor of water. How did this happen?!? Were the people at Vitamin Water sitting around in their boardroom one day thinking, “Who would be a person who you would associate with vitamin infused water?” and they came up with 50 Cent? And its not like there’s a line of celebrity endorsed flavors. No, its JUST 50 Cent! That’s it. Seriously is there anything LESS hardcore than vitamin water? I mean who pays $2.50 for a bottle of water? Rich people, trendy people, and idiots. And 50 Cent only appeals to one of those groups. I really don’t get it. And how is this not a bigger topic of national discussion? I mean has there been anything more baffling than this since the release of Donnie Darko? I think not. Okay, I have to stop talking about this now under doctor’s orders.
I’m off now to go get my prescription refilled.



Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Kayne West- "Late Registartion" (Album) (More on this one at a later date...)
2.) OK Go- "A Million Ways" video
3.) Watching Fox News for the entertainment value
3 & 1/2.) Labor


Thought of the Week:
I dont want to really get into in this space, but I would just like to say that I think Katrina is worse than 9/11. Not that theres any way to compare disaters and not that even doing such a thing isnt inherently wrong, disrepectful, and insenstive, but I just hadnt heard that really mentioned and thats really how I feel. As bad as 9/11 was, ultimately the permannt long-lasting damage to those not directly involved, was the loss of two buildings. Katrina has wiped one of the great American cities off the map, and unlike with 9/11 when people said nothing would ever be the same, in this case, things really never will be the same. New Orleans as we know it is gone, never to return. Its really too unfathomable to even comprehend. If your heart doesnt ache then you dont have one. Thats all I really have to say in this space. Thanks for listening.