Note From the Author and More Random Thoughts

Four and a half years ago, like many guys my age I moved to New York in hopes of finding fame, fortune, and someone to teach me how to play R&B/Blues guitar. Well in my first week in the city I found neither fame nor fortune, but I did find that Dan Smith could teach me how to play guitar. And I had every intention of taking him up on that offer, but in between the planes crashing and the buildings falling and the trying to figure out excatly how to define that smell in the 51st Street subway station, I got kind of sidetracked. And the weeks turned into months and the months turned into years and next thing I knew I was a New Yorker with places to be and people to see and fame and fortune to acquire. Only problem was the fame and fortune were harder to acquire than it seemed. So I did what every single human being on the face of the Earth did and started a blog. It kept me entertained and stimulated, but somehow through some terrible fluke or accident or some kind fame and fortune still managed to allude me. And so I got a real job and I discovered the magical world of credit cards and pretended that everything was fine. But it wasn’t fine. I needed a change And so a few weeks ago I did the unthinkable. I left Manhattan and moved to Queens. It was new start and it was a great one. But in between the moving and the working and the complaining about the working and the continuing evasiveness of fame and fortune I thought maybe there was no place in this new world, this magical land of Astoria Queens, for fredtheonlinejournal. And so I was all set to shut it down, when a savior came in the most unexpected way. At a party I shouldn’t even have been at, a person I barely knew came up and told me how much he enjoyed the blog and to keep up the good work. Well now I couldn’t let down my fan could I? And so the next day, in the land of souvlaki, gyros, and Mythos beer, the world headquarters of Fredtheonlinejournal opened for business once again. And with renewed vigor thoughts and words flew out of it. And while fame and fortune continued to elude me I was back to my roots and back where I belonged – wasting ridiculous amounts of time writing about crap that absolutely no one else cared about. And life was good.

Now I know what you’re asking yourself: “when will this ridiculously long intro end?” And also, “enough about you, what does this have to do with me?” Well what this means for you is that there will be regular articles again. And frequent posts. And it also serves as an explanation for my absence. But never fear. There will be no more absences. (At least not until I change my mind again.) So for now enjoy some of the random thoughts I had while on hiatus. And tell your friends about them. And maybe one day I'll have fame. And fortune. And Dan Smith will finally be able to teach me how to play R&B/Blues guitar.

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* So wait, I’m confused, is Larry a Cable Guy or a Health Inspector?

* Ever noticed how in college you can study “liberal arts” or major in “liberal studies” but there’s no such thing as “conservative arts” or “conservative studies”?

* I think It’s difficult to know anyone who’s really worth knowing.

* I saw an episode of NBC’s version of The Office recently and despite all odds it was actually really good. In fact I thought it was on par in its own way with the BBC version. Granted it was only one episode but apparently its been getting really good reviews recently overall. Who’d have thunk? I might even have to start watching it. And maybe you should too.

* On a semi-related note, can someone let Ricky Gervais know that no one cares about The Simpsons anymore?

* Since I know (or at least I hope) that there are a lot of Aaron Sorkin fans that read this blog, I feel I should say a few words about Sports Night. And the words are this: Watch It. Sure its not as good as West Wing, and sure at times the writing’s a little unpolished and Sorkin’s still finding his way, and sure other than Felicity Huffman the acting isn’t by any means stellar, and sure the episodes Sorkin didn’t write or only wrote parts of are pretty obvious, and sure the relationships on the show aren’t really believable, but still, its Aaron Sorkin and its better than 95% of shows that there have ever been. Which is why it’s a shame its so under recognized. The West Wing is huge and yet fewer people have seen Sports Night than have seen Freaks and Geeks. (Which if you haven’t seen yet, should be first on your priority list). The argument I hear most often for not watching it is – “I don’t like/care about sports”. But it’s not really about sports at all. That would be like not watching Grey’s Anatomy because you’re not really into medicine. Just give it a chance. Go to Blockbuster or Netflix, check it out, watch the whole first disc, and if you’re not hooked I’ll give you your money back. It takes a few episodes to get going so hang in there at first. And yes the laugh track does go away very soon. But it has a lot to offer. Great likeable characters (it even manages to make Peter Krause seem semi-talented and likeable – no small feat). Engaging story lines. A guest appearance by the incomparable Janel Moloney. The obvious seeds of what would become the West Wing (including an entire episode about everyone’s plans being held up by an old guy who refused to lose a tennis match that was recycled almost exactly by The West Wing) Amazing, astounding, too good for words to describe-level work by Felicity Huffman. And most importantly - great, clever writing. And did I mention Felicity Huffman? So give Sports Night a shot; I wouldn’t steer you wrong.

(On a related note: noticing the jump in quality from Sports Night to West Wing has me off the charts excited to see if Sorkin will make a similar level jump with Studio 60 on Sunset Strip. And even though that seems impossible, early indications are that he actually might. I remember hearing about its pilot script being the hottest thing in Hollywood almost a year ago. And every report from everyone who has come across it has said it’s by far the best TV pilot they’ve ever read. And now Matthew Perry is attached to star. And never before have an actor and writer been more perfectly suited for each other than Matthew Perry and Aaron Sorkin. They make Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro look like the odd couple. So long story short, my expectations and anticipation for Studio 60 on Sunset Strip couldn’t be any higher. Well unless of course it was called Snakes on a Plane. But more on that later…)

* While we’re talking about Aaron Sorkin, here are a few brief thoughts on Season 3 of The West Wing. Humor me. Or just skip right past them. Either way here they are:
-Wow they got Al Pacino to be on the show! Oh wait…that’s just Ron Silver.
-Too many new characters are starting to stretch things a bit thin.
-Story lines are starting to get dropped. Like what ever happened to Donna’s man? And to Bruno and his crew?
-The scene between Josh and Amy in “Women of Kumar” is probably my favorite scene from any TV show/and or movie ever. There are no words to describe its brilliance.
-Okay, how could Bartlett not win reelection in a landslide? I don’t really buy that there could be anyone in this fictional America who wouldn’t like him.
-While talking about implausibility, Bartlett’s comment about Ritchie is the first legitimately implausible thing the show has tried to pull off.
-Amy Gardner listens to Van Morrison. Its official, she’s the most perfect woman ever.
-How could something this smart have gotten such high ratings? I really don’t understand.
-What happened to Charlie and Zoey? Are they still dating? Is Zoey even still alive? Not that I’m complaining, I’m just asking.
-If I could own anything in the world, I would want the actual framed napkin prop they used in “Bartlett for America”. I sincerely hope it still exists somewhere so that I can get rich someday and buy it.

* If you wear a hat to the gym, you’re just tacky. But if you wear a Von Dutch hat to the gym, you have no worth as a human being.

* Im pissed. Amelie Gillette (aka "The Hater") of The Onion's AV Club stole my dream day job.

* Have you heard the new R. Kelly song? The one with the line “It’s like Jurassic Park/ and I’m your Sexosaurus”? I don’t even know what to say about R. Kelly anymore. I mean what can you possibly say at this point? I’m literally speechless. I only hope he realizes that he just barely missed the Pulitzer deadline, so he’ll have to wait almost a whole year before he can collect his award.

* There are few words in the English language more fun than “bouillon”. Between “bouillon” and “doubloons” pirates have really made some of the best contributions to the English language. See I told you pirates arrrrr awesome.

* You know that person who you barely know and were never even really formally introduced to but whenever you see them they always act like you’re best friends and assault you with long pointless stories that only serve to embarrass themselves, but instead of telling them to shut up and go away you just tune them out and nod occasionally to give the appearance that you’re listening? I feel like that’s America’s relationship with Eva Longoria.

* I’m glad to see that Cinco De Mayo is becoming the new St. Patrick’s Day. It really brings me immeasurable joy that there are now two culturally acceptable mainstream holidays whose sole reason for being is to give people a valid excuse to get as drunk as humanly possible. And absolutely no one has a problem with this. At all. It’s times like this when I remember how much I love America.

(And yes I realize both days are technically foreign holidays, but that almost makes it better. It shows that we Americans know how to adopt the very best parts of other cultures and make them our own.)

* I think it’s interesting to consider the fact that the Arts and Entertainment sections of many papers are called “Life” or “Lifestyle”. In the words of Outkast, go and marinate on that for a minute.

* Just for the record, I had “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley on my iPod over two months ago. And yes, now I understand the whole “get mad and defensive when something you like goes too mainstream” phenomenon. On the flip side though we haven’t a good legitimate universal “song of the summer” in far too long.

* As much as I may love them, I think we can probably safely add Peeps to the list of things that human beings were clearly not intended to consume.

* Yes Bill Maher can be kind of smug prick. And sure, he’s not that likeable. It yes, he is clearly extremely chauvinistic. And no, it’s not at all surprising to learn that he’s not married. And basically he’s a pretty hard guy to defend in any way. But that being said, the first and last 10 minutes of any given Real Time With Bill Maher are almost assured to be 20 of the best minutes anywhere on TV in any given week. So I guess in its own way its almost exactly like Grey’s Anatomy.

* “The Call” on NY1 is clearly the work of Satan. And yes, maybe I care a little too much about NY1 but what can I say? It’s the only local news worth watching.

* I feel sure that it’s no coincidence that the demise of E! News Live has directly coincided with the demise of America. Ryan Seacrest and Julianna DePandi are clearly the George Bush to Jules Anser and Steve Kmetko’s Bill Clinton.
Wow, I really need to get out more.

(While were on the topic, how is more not made out of the fact that Steven Soderbergh is married to Jules Asner? Or that Jules Asner is married to Steven Soderbergh? Either way you look at it it’s a great story and more should be made of it.)

* I think whenever someone says, “all I want is honesty” that’s a pretty good sign that they’re lying.


"In a million years, did you ever think this would happen? One decade ago, I didn't even have an e-mail address or know what the Internet was ... now I can watch basically any video clip I want whenever I want? What will the world be like 10 years from now? Is it possible to procrastinate for 24 hours a day? Are we headed that way?"
(Editors Note: Yes.)


* Who are these people who aren’t ready for United 93 and claim it’s too soon? It was four and a half years ago! How can you not be ready? If you’re not ready now when exactly WILL you be ready? Did you have a problem with them making Pearl Harbor? If all the families have approved and say they’re okay with it then who are you to say its “too soon”? And why is it acceptable for you to force movie theaters to stop showing the trailer because it’s too traumatic for you to sit through? It’s a fucking movie trailer people. Seriously, I don’t know why this is considered tolerable acceptable behavior. Far be it for me to judge how people should handle tragedy; I know its something personal and we all deal with it in our own way. If you don’t want to see the movie, that’s fine. But if the trailer for United 93 comes on and you audibly yell at the screen “too soon” or complain afterwards to the management, you’re not grieving or traumatized, you’re insane.
And this isn’t the last you’ll be hearing from me about this…

* True story: a few months back I was about halfway through writing a complete March Madness preview when my computer crashed, taking the document with it. I was so pissed off that I just gave up and didn’t bother rewriting it. But if you don’t think I’m still upset that I didn’t get a chance to make jokes about an event that featured Adam Morrison’s mustache, a guy named Kevin Pitsnoggle, and a team called the Wichita State Shockers, then clearly you don’t know me very well.

* If I wrote Jessica Shaw’s Hot List for Entertainment Weekly:
In: Snakes On A Plane
5 Minutes Ago: Chuck Norris
Out: “Lazy Sunday”
Which bring us to our last item….

* You might recall that back in November I asked whether or not a film had ever won Best Picture before a trailer for it had even been released because if not then Munich would be the first. Well I was wrong about Munich but I will ask the same question and make the same prediction again, only this time about a different film. An that film is Snakes on a Plane. The others studios should just give up right now. Snakes on a Plane has Best Picture sewn up. Because not only is Snakes on a Plane the greatest thing to ever happen to movies, and to the internet, it’s maybe the greatest thing to ever happen to humanity in the history of the Earth. I honestly don’t think it would be humanly possible to be any more aboard the Snakes on a Plane bandwagon than I already am. I already have Snakes on a Plane references up in my home. I recently ordered a Snakes on a Plane shirt. As soon as tickets go on sale I will buy them for opening night. (And if its not showing at The Zeigfeld there is something very wrong with the world.) And if they could somehow get Chuck Norris to make a cameo it would seriously be the greatest movie moment in history. The earth might literally stop spinning on its axis because of how fucking awesome that would be. And if you think I’m joking about any of this, well I’m not. If you were here right now you could see how completely serious I am. And you want to know something else? You know how people say something is the greatest thing since sliced bread? Well soon they’re going to start referring to things as the greatest thing since Snakes on a Plane. So you better get on board. The bandwagon that is. Definitely not the plane. Because as you might have heard, THERE ARE SNAKES ON IT!

Top 3 & 1/2 Snakes on a Plane Sequel Titles
Snakes on a Plane II: More Snakes On Another Plane
Snakes on a Plane II: Bears On A Plane
Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes On A Plain Bagel
Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes On A Boat

(And of course there’s the obligatory “Snakes On A Plane II: Electric Bugaloo”)
* My idol Bill Simmons is referring specifically to YouTube.com here but he is in general referring to the entire Internet. And as always I couldn't have said it better myself. Which is why Im letting him say it:

My Friend The Man

I'm not dead I promise. Youll be getting a full Note From the Author very soon. I wanted to type it tonight but since Im going on about 12 hours of sleep over the last 4 nights combined I really am just not feeling up to it at the moment. But soon. I promise. I swear on the grave of Matt LeBlanc's career that there will be tons of new entries soon. But in the meantime, here's a piece about my job that I wrote a while back for the zine 20-Sided Die. I know I said I would never delve into my personal life in this blog, but in the words of Shakespeare "fuck it". Plus a lot of you have probably already read it anyway. Enjoy.

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My Friend The Man

As a world famous actor/waiter people often have many questions for me. For example- “who are you?” “why are you touching me?” and “what’s that smell?” But probably the most common question I get asked is “what’s it like to work for The Man?” You see I’m not just any waiter, but I’m a waiter who works for a large faceless restaurant corporation that has a location in Times Square. As I don’t want to lose my job, I think it is probably best I not mention this restaurant by name, but suffice it to say that it is very large and prominent and serves a lot of seafood. Also, as I mentioned, it is run by The Man. And not The Man in the Samuel L. Jackson/Eugene Levy sense, but The Man in the “Damn The Man” sense.

Anyway, thing is, as a recent college graduate with no discernable skills other than dressing up in funny clothes and pretending to be other people, I had no choice but to submit to my fate as a walking cliché and sign up to wait tables for The Man. Which leads us back to the question at hand – what is it like to work for him? Well, so far I haven’t had to do any TPS reports. Or file things. Or personally harm any cute puppies or rainbows or Dakota Fanning. But I have had to ask movie trivia questions to foreign tourists who have a Bush-level of English language comprehension. And I do have to ask if you want fries with that. And I seriously can’t find my stapler.

But on the other hand, he does pay me well, and sometimes when I pass by with a tray full of food I could swear I feel his hand gently caress my left buttock letting me know that I’m loved and appreciated. Or maybe I’m thinking of prison.

In all honesty though, I do enjoy my job as much as one can enjoy such things. Dealing with tourists is nice as long as they don’t speak any English. Getting a 50% discount on a bucket of fried fish glazed in butter makes me feel like my gym membership is worthwhile. And drunk Germans are surprisingly good tippers. So all and all I would say working for The Man aint as bad as some would have you believe.

Which makes what I have to do all the more difficult.

You see, as an actor I had to sign a contract in my blood to promise to fight The Man, possibly with performance art and/or Tim Robbins. However I choose go about it though, it is my sworn legal and artistic obligation to bring down The Man and make the world safe for the less successful tenants of our free market based economy as well as for Godless gay black abortion doctors everywhere. And so I do my part on the job to subvert The Man’s authority. I don’t always write down customer orders. I allow my facial hair to often appear slightly unkempt. I don’t wash my apron with great regularity. Its through little things like this that I will bring The Man TO HIS KNEES! At least that’s what they taught me in Theater 101. By bitching about The Man loudly to those around me and then acting out softly and passive aggressively when The Man comes around I’m fulfilling my role as an artist in society. So there! If my feeble actions don’t take him down than surely this awkwardly written and poorly punctuated diatribe will!! Because The Man must die!!!

Unless of course he’s reading this. In which case- I got nothing but love for ya brother.

A List of How Selected Jay-Z Song Titles Would Be Different If He Had Spent His Youth Working on a Shrimping Boat

- “Big Shrimpin’”

- “Money, Cash, Shrimp”

- “(Brush That) Shrimp Off Your Shoulder”

- “Can I Get A…Shrimp Cocktail”

- “99 Problems (Several Of Which Relate To The Catching And Selling Of Shrimp, A Bitch Not Being Among Those)”

- That last item might not have been grammatically correct.

- Well look, Jay- Z, I’m sorry I made a potentially grammatically incorrect joke involving one of your songs titles, but its not like you’re perfect. I mean come on, like you’ve never written something that had questionable syntax. How about “Fo shizzle my nizzle used to dribble down in VA”? Not exactly Shakespeare there Mr. Carter.

- Okay so you may be a world famous rapper and record company president and I may just be a guy who has stretched a one joke premise well past its breaking point and is now searching desperately for a way to end it, but still, that gives you no right to talk to me like that. And I may have my faults, but unlike you at least I don’t have to result to name calling and threats of violence. And at least I’m not named after a New York City subway line. And at least my girlfriend doesn’t shop Wal-Mart.

- Yes, I would be okay with taking this outside.

- Okay now that I’ve followed you outside can you explain why you wanted me to do so?

- Ow! You shot me!

- Hey wait, don’t just leave me here! Come back!

- Oh God I’m bleeding profusely. Can someone please help me?

- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL 911!

- (sound of me gasping for air)

- …..