Ah the Grammys - the one major award no one actually cares about besides me and Kanye West. And I feel like the only reason Kanye cares is because somehow he missed the memo that the Grammys aren’t a valid award and that white people could care less about them. Nevertheless I love (repeat: LOVE) to see someone like Kayne who cares so openly and abashedly about winning awards. So I wouldn’t dare miss my chance to root Kanye to victory and hopefully see some good performances along the way. And even though you didn’t watch the telecast and could care less about the whole thing, I’ve decided to share with you my thoughts I had while I watched it. Enjoy.
* If I had to use band name to describe the conditions in my apartment right now, I would definitely go with Hot Hot Heat.
* I wouldn’t so much call the Madonna/Gorillaz “collaboration” a collaboration, as much as I would call it The Gorillaz performing and then once they were finished performing, Madonna performing.
* Remember the band called Live? What would you say if you saw them live? “I saw Live live”? And wouldn’t “Live Live” be a great name for their live album? And if someone held a benefit concert to help raise money for them would it be called “Live Aid”? Just some things to think about.
* Good to see Tom Hanks out doing some early PR for his upcoming movie. The Da Vinci Code I believe it's called. With a weird title like that I think its gonna need all the publicity it can get.
* If I was black I think my dream girl would be Alicia Keys.
* If I was 12 I think my dream girl would be Kelly Clarkson. Then again when I was actually 12 my dream girl was Christina Ricci in Casper so who knows.
* Kelly Clarkson is singing a song other than “Since U Been Gone”? She HAS other songs besides “Since U Been Gone”? I don’t know how I feel about this. I do know how I would feel however if I was an American Idol winner who beat Paul McCartney for Best Pop Album. I wouldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t even consider accepting it. Also when I was thanking my competition I wouldn’t mention Sheryl Crow and Bonnie Raitt and yet NOT mention Paul McCartney who I should feel unworthy to even be in the same room as. But then again I’m not the voice behind “Since U Been Gone” so what do I know?
* No more comments about Kelly Clarkson I swear.
* Kelly Clarkson.
* Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
* Coldplay always seems a little off and awkward live. Kind of like Chris Martin’s new fro’.
* I get the impression that Ciara might be a woman of loose moral principles. Plus is the phrase “a poor man’s Beyonce” ever a good description to be able to use about someone?
* Has there ever been a less shocking revelation than Fantasia admitting she’s illiterate? That’s on par with Liberace admitting he’s gay.
* I really don’t think enough people were involved in the Sly Stone tribute. I was waiting for the kitchen sink to come out and do a song.
* I hate to rush to judgments on people, but I get the impression from his appearance and demeanor that Sly Stone might have engaged in a little recreational drug use in his youth. And by “his youth” I also mean “5 minutes before coming on stage”.
* While watching the Grammys it’s interesting to think about the fact that 50 Cent is sitting there listening to Bruce Springsteen. Or that Billie Joe Armstrong is sitting there listening to Faith Hill. Or that I’m sitting there listening to Sugarland.
* How was Kayne not nominated for Producer of the Year? He WAS the producer of the year. And yet somehow he wasn’t even NOMINATED? How is there not more outrage about this? Oh yeah, that’s right, no one else cares about the Grammys.
* Herbie Hancock and Christina Aguilerra together at last! Finally, the collaboration America has been clamoring for has happened! Speaking of late 90’s pop stars, I think its time for my annual ridiculous early Grammy prediction for next year. And it is this – Justin Timberlake’s new album will be nominated for Album of the Year. And keep in mind this prediction is coming from the same person who predicted Speakerboxx/The Love Below would WIN Album of the Year a full six months before it even came out. So you best recognize.
* 3 & 1/2 Comments About Mariah Carey:
1.) It seems that record execs are angry that Mariah hasn’t been shown more love by the Grammys over the years. I know how they feel. I’m still upset that she was robbed out of a Best Actress in a Comedy Series Emmy for her performance in MTV Cribs.
2.) I feel certain that if Abe Lincoln were alive today he would go back and revise the Emancipation Proclamation to state, “I emancipate everyone except for Mimi. She shall forever remain unemancipated.”
3.) “We Belong Together” should have been played at my high school dance. Actually, I feel like it was.
3 & 1/2.) Everyone talks about how this is Mariah Carey’s comeback album, but is it really a comeback when what you’re coming back from is the revelation of the fact that you’re insane?
(And why does it seem that as a nation we have chosen to overlook the fact that Mariah Carey is insane? Whatever the reason is, is it the same reason we have chosen to overlook the fact that R. Kelly is a pedophile?)
* People who have now officially overstayed their welcome: The Black Eyed Peas, Teri Hatcher, Jamie Foxx.
* I think Kayne, Common and John Legend have formed the best hip hop posse of all time. I mean I’d love to hang out with any of those guys. Now if only they can find some way to ditch Jamie Foxx. Maybe they can pawn him off on Colin Farrell full time.
(Speaking of Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell, is the Miami Vice set like the Mecca of groupidom? Are groupies from all over the world taking holy pilgrimages there as we speak? And is there any conceivable way that the record for most groupies slept with in one film shoot has not already been obliterated by this point? I bet what’s going on in Miami right now makes the Oceans Twelve shoot look like the Steel Magnolias shoot by comparison.)
* Hey Keith Urban, Jon Bon Jovi called and he wants his persona back.
* How was “Numb/Encore” a hit and yet “The Grey Album” wasn’t even allowed to be released legally? How is this fair to humanity? Speaking of “The Grey Album”…hey look, its Jay-Z and Paul McCartney! Their live collaboration (if you can call it that) was cool because it was so shocking to see Paul McCartney appear in the middle of the song and because it was thrilling to see them together, but ultimately it didn’t work. Still though, cool to see Jay-Z wearing a John Lennon T-shirt
(Speaking of Jay-Z, how has "Dirt Off Your Shoulder" not been used in a Head and Shoulders commercial yet?)
* When you hear “Helter Skelter” unexpectedly and out of context of “The White Album”, it’s really shocking to consider the fact that it’s a Beatles song. And I also gotta give Paul props: “Fine Line” is a pretty darn good song. (Also not to be morbid, but it must be said: please God let Ringo die before Paul. Paul deserves to be the last one left.)
* If you combined Bono’s hat with Kanye’s glasses would the resulting coolness factor cause a new ice age? Would the person who could pull that look off make even Johnny Depp jealous? Do I occasionally engage in hyperbole?
* What would have happened if Kanye had lost Best Rap Album? Would he have immediately walked out of the building? Would he have run up on stage and snatched the Grammy out of the winners hand? Hell, none of the other nominees even bothered to show up, but still, part of me wishes he would have lost just so we could have found out what he would have done.
(While we’re on the subject of Kayne its worth noting that he never removed his sunglasses the entire night. That’s amazingly cool in my book. Somewhere Corey Hart is smiling. And by “somewhere” I mean the I-95 Exit 28 underpass.)
* With “Late Registration” winning Best Rap album that means Paul Wall has like 1/44th of a Grammy, which I guess makes him the most successful person to ever (allegedly) graduate from my high school.
(Just to get it out there before the inevitable Houston rap backlash of ’06 begins I'd like to go on record that I’ve not liked Houston hip hop much longer than everyone else has not liked Houston hip hop. In fact its kind of unfathomable to me that Houston hip hop has blown up nationally because I never knew anyone in Houston who ever thought the local hip hop scene was any good. In fact only two good things have ever come out of the Houston rap scene: “Tops Drop” by Fat Pat and “Wanna Be A Balla” by Lil’ Troy. Try to recall the biggest, most popular, most omnipresent song of your lifetime. (“Hey Ya” for example.) Well for two years in Houston “Wanna Be A Baller” was at least five times more popular than that song. I seriously think that 97.9 The Box was under strict orders to play it at least once every 10 minutes. And bare in mind that it’s a six minute long song. I think the best part of the whole thing is that no one had any idea what any of the lyrics were. Lil’ Troy makes Ma$e sound like Laurence Olivier when it comes to diction. I still have no idea what exactly the last part of the chorus is even though I’ve heard the song at least 250 times, easily. I’m pretty sure its “swisha roll tight, got sprayed in my eye”, but then again that doesn’t really make any sense. But what does really? And you have no idea what I’m talking about do you? But then again do you ever?)
(And while we are on the universally fascinating topic of the hip-hop scene from the city I grew up in, I had absolutely no idea until I came to college that doing cough syrup and the using the phrase “chunk the duce” were not national phenomenons but were instead “Houston things”. I can’t tell you how shocking this was to find out. This would be like coming to college and finding out that smoking cigarettes and saying the phrase “that’s cool” had been things that were only popular in your hometown. And just for the record “chunk the duce” is ridiculous dated slang. In high school it had already morphed with my friends and I into “chunkage” or just simply “duce”. And this was way back in 1998. And we were white. At least I think we were…)
* Back to Kanye for a minute…Even though it was off his last album, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I feel that “Last Call” is definitely the most underrated 12 minute long autobiographical rap song of the past few years. In fact, you could make the case that, in its own way, it’s the best thing Kanye has ever done.
* If one were to ever meet The Game how would one refer to him? I mean “Hey there The Game” sounds awkward but what else could you say instead? Mr. Game? “Guy Who Is Feuding and/or not Feuding with 50 Cent”? Simply “Game”? And if you were asking The Game if he was down to do some particular activity what would say? “Yo Game, you game?” I feel like Abbott and Costello would have a field day with this.
* Announcer: Please welcome Gwen Stefani.
Me: No.
* Mary J. Blige and U2 is a match made in heaven. Although their duet wasn’t quite her "No More Drama" performance from 2001, it was still the performance of the night by far. Speaking of which…
Best 3 & 1/2 Performances of the Night:
1.) U2 & Mary J. Blige
2.) Bruce Springsteen
3.) Kanye West
3 & 1/2.) Paul McCartney
* On to the awards…
Best New Artist goes to…John Legend. It would not be humanly possible for me to care less.
Song the Year goes to…U2! Wow the best nominee actually won. Shocking!
Record of the Year goes to…Green Day! Man, these Grammy are going great so far. The Grammy people have gotten the three major categories right so far. Has that ever happened before? Ever?
Album of the Year goes to…U2? Gotta say I’m conflicted about that one. I’m one of the biggest U2 fans in the world, but Kayne was robbed. He not only had the best album nominated but he actually had the best album of the year and one of the best albums so far this millennium. U2’s album was AT BEST only their 4th best album and you could make a case for it being ranked as low as 7th. If you can argue that an album is a band’s 7th best album then there’s no way it should be beating one of the best albums of the millennium. Still, Bono handled the whole thing amazingly. That is why he is God. And if Kanye had to lose to someone at least it was U2.
(Still I worry about Bono’s proclamation that Kanye will be next. It sure seems that way, but you never know when the magic will run out. A few years ago it seemed like an inevitability that Eminem would win Album of the Year some day. But after his unexpected recent artistic implosion of epic proportions it now seems very unlikely he ever will. So it’s with cautious optimism I say to Kanye, “you’ll get ‘em next time”. )
Thought of the Week: How would the world be different if rats looked like bunny rabbits?
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Id Like to Thank and Not Thank the Academy
I know you. I know what you’re thinking. The Oscar nominations came out last Tuesday and still not a word from Fredtheonlinejournal? Is he dead? Has something happened? Is he not outraged by William Hurt’s nomination? Is he not thrilled over Amy Adams’ nomination? Is he not completely indifferent about Rachel Weiz’s nomination? Well yes, yes, and yes. And that’s why I am now FINALLY here to share with you all of my thoughts about something you could care less about. Enjoy.
* Is the fact that I slept soundly the night before Christmas, but I woke up 5 different times the night before the Oscar nominations just because I was worried my alarm might not go off and I would miss them some sort of statement about my life? Yes, I think it is. And not a good one.
* Ultimately despite the 2,000 following words to the contrary, as long as Munich, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams got nominated nothing else really matters. In addition to those three and the other nominations I'll discuss below, I was also really glad about the nominations for Catherine Keener, Paul Giamatti, Tony Kushner and the fact that Scarlett Johansson DIDN’T get nominated for her horrible work in Match Point.
* Just like last year’s Best Album Grammy category, this year’s Best Picture nominees should have been a complete and utter gimme, and yet they went horribly wrong somehow. Based on critical acclaim, popularity, prestige, importance, and that key indefinable intangible “Oscarness” there were exactly four glaringly obvious potential nominees (Brokeback, Munich, King Kong, and Crash (despite the fact its not any good)) and two very similar nominees left to battle for the 5th spot (Walk the Line, Cinderella Man). These nominees would have perfectly covered all the traditional requisite Oscar nominee categories: Sweeping epic love story (Brokeback, King Kong), important message movie (Brokeback, Crash, Munich), serious film by a well-respected director (Munich, Brokeback), little indie that could (Crash), overrated critics darling (Crash), cultural phenomenon (Brokeback), Peter Jackson blockbuster (King Kong), and Walk the Line and Cinderella Man could have duked it out for the “populist feel good hit based on a true story” slot. Oh yeah, and there’s also this: Munich, Brokeback, King Kong, Walk the Line and Cinderella Man were actually (in my opinion) the year’s five best movies. And when is there ever a realistic chance that the five best movies of the year could all get nominated for Best Picture? Well, never. So when that chance comes along of course the Academy doesn’t take it. Instead they fail to nominate King Kong because somehow making ONLY $225 million makes it a flop, Cinderella Man because Russell Crowe threw a phone at some guy, and Walk the Line because they are heartless idiots. Instead they chose to nominate Capote and Good Night and Good Luck. Now granted Capote was a great movie, but its not really Best Picture material and since the inexplicably unstoppable force of nature Crash already had a stranglehold on the “little indie that could” slot, nominating Capote seemed completely redundant. And Good Night and Good Luck reminded me of a Paul McCartney solo album - it sounds great while you’re listening to it, but as soon as it’s done it leaves your consciousness instantly. It has to be one of the slightest trifles of a movie ever to be nominated for Best Picture. It was over before it even got started and didn’t even remotely make me feel any sort of emotion of any kind during its entire ridiculously brief running time. And just for the record, that’s not a very difficult task. Plus it was too arty by half. Two minute long close-ups of people thinking and prolonged shots of empty rooms may get George Clooney a Best Director, but a good movie they do not necessarily make. Someone who wasn’t clearly trying to prove to the world that he was a serious and artistic director could have made the same movie, but much better. Anyway, point is, it should have been an such an easy year to pick the Best Picture nominees that only a group of morons could have screwed up. And so naturally the Academy screwed it up. I guess as long as they didn’t nominate A History of Violence I can live with it though. But boy if you thought last year’s nominees were a mediocre group (and by “you” I mean “me”) this year’s nominees, while slightly better, still make 2003 look like 1939 by comparison.
(Wow I didn’t fully realize how badly I need a life until I just reread that last sentence. Actually now I went back and reread that whole paragraph. Wow.)
* The Mystic River Memorial “Overrated Best Picture Nominee That People Will Watch 15 Years From Now And Think How The Hell Was That Nominated And That Hopefully The People Who Voted For It Will Have To Somehow Try And Explain Why It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time” Award (Try putting that on a trophy): Crash.
When Crash came out I heard people around school and on the Internet raving about Crash and how it was one of the best movies they had seen in a long time. So then, I went to see Crash. All I can say to those people is this - if you thought Crash was one of the best movies you’d seen in a long time not only do I feel very badly for you, but I also would recommend that you start watching better movies. (Unless of course you’re Roger Ebert, in which case you’ve just clearly confirmed the suspicions that you have completely lost your mind). From working at Blockbuster I well know that the average American movie goer only watches horror movies, unfunny “comedies” involving the Wilson brothers, and whatever was number one at the box office its opening weekend, and so the shock of being exposed to something serious like Crash must be overwhelming to their system. Somewhat like finding a carrot in a box of Goobers. (And yes I do realize that might possibly be the worst analogy in the history of recorded time). But nevertheless have we really sunk so low that two dimensional characters, hackneyed ridiculously implausible coincidences, and messages delivered so obviously they would insult the intelligence of a five year old are considered the makings of high art and good entertainment? (see also: A History of Violence; or better yet don’t.) (And if you think I’m anywhere close to being done taking digs at A History of Violence you’re sadly mistaken). And despite Crash’s flaws - even though every character was a two dimensional archetype/stereotype, and even though the movie had already stretched the interlocking storylines thing well past its breaking point – the movie could have still redeemed itself if one change had been made. The real make or break moment was when the kid got shot. At that moment I remember thinking, “oh my god if they kill the kid I forgive this movie all its sins, and if they don’t kill the kid I might seriously considering getting up and walking out”. And of course the kid was saved by some invisible magic cloak they stole from Harry Potter, and in doing so defined the whole movie in a nutshell. The movie takes no chances, says and does nothing new or provocative, and is generally toothless, completely predictable, and utterly implausible. Has our national discourse on controversial subjects really digressed to the level where simply putting characters who are racists in a movie constitutes a provocative examination of racism? If Spike Lee was still around today he would vomit on your face if you tried to tell him Crash was a provocative examination of racism. Either that or heckle you at a Knicks game. The only new thing I learned from Crash about race relations is that no matter what color you are, if you think Crash is a brilliant, groundbreaking movie, then you are an idiot.
(Also worth noting: Crash got nominated for Best Picture and yet it’s not even the best picture this year to feature Chris Bridges. That’s just Ludacris.)
(Also worth noting part 2: When one of the best scenes of your movie involves Ryan Phillippe that should be a sign there’s a problem. And speaking of Ryan Phillippe - can we start taking bets yet on how obnoxious on a scale of 1 to 10 he’s going to be at the Oscars? I’ve got 20 bucks on 9.5.)
* All that being said I do have to give the Academy some credit. They did get the Supporting Actress nominees 100% correct. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
* Now back to you’re regularly scheduled bitching: How the hell was Ray nominated last year and yet Walk the Line wasn’t nominated this year despite the fact that Walk the Line is about 500% better than Ray. Although to be fair to Ray through its incessant airings on HBO it has really kind of grown on me. Plus Richard Schiff is in it! Only with hair on his head on not his on his chin! The first time I realized this might have been one of the most exciting days of my life. It was like the exact opposite of the day I found out Rachel McAdams was 29. And speaking of Ray here’s a little SAT problem for you
Ray : HBO ::
A.) Remember the Titans : TNT
B.) Dave Chappelle - Killin’ Them Softly : Comedy Central’s Secret Stash
C.) Yankeeography : YES Network
D.) All of the above
* The Ethan Hawke “Supporting Actor Nominee Who It Seems Odd To Associate With The Phrase ‘Oscar Nominee’ And Yet It Doesn’t Really Matter Because A Year From Now No One Will Even Remember It Happened” Award – Matt Dillon
Matt Dillon is now officially the luckiest man on earth and if you ask why I say this clearly you are not a connoisseur of the film Wild Things. Although it must be said that Matt Dillon should be disqualified from all future award nominations for being tangentially associated with Entourage. And for once dating Cameron Diaz.
* The Charlize Theron “Who Knew They Could Act” Award – Keira Knightly
I remember walking out of Pride and Prejudice and almost everyone in my family including myself simultaneously saying “wow, Kiera Knightly should be nominated for SOMETHING for that”. And I remember thinking her getting an Oscar nomination could never happen and SHOULD never happen because there were already five such strong leading actress candidates, but yet somehow still wishing there was some way for her to be nominated without knocking one of the other women out. Well unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. Both Gwyneth and Joan Allen wound up getting snubbed for her to get in, and I’m conflicted as to how I feel about that. One the one hand they were both much better than her. But on the other hand, when you feel you like you discovered a performance yourself and were saying it deserved a nomination before that even seemed like a plausible idea to anyone else, you develop a strong personal rooting interest in that performance and it almost feels like some sort of personal validation now that it is indeed nominated. Its like discovering a hip new band six months before anyone else and then being able to say “I was listening to them six months ago” when everyone else starts to find out about them. And clearly I have lost all skill with metaphors. Anyway, point is although I’m still conflicted about it, I am ultimately still glad to see Keira Knightly get an Oscar nomination. It also restores my faith in the system that performances that aren’t heavily hyped by PR machines and the press can still get nominated. Because its one thing to go into a movie knowing, okay Felicity Huffman is a potential Oscar nominee for this role, and it’s a completely other thing to go into a movie with no expectations of anything other than a good time and then when its over thinking “that was just Oscar nomination worthy work” and then that actually coming to pass. So in short, congrats Keira. I had no idea you could act.
* The fact that “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” is nominated for Best Song makes me tremendously happy. And not just because watching them try and deal with the title and lyrics during the telecast will be tremendous fun, but also because it means Three 6 Mafia are now Oscar nominees. And what’s better than that really? Plus it makes me feel good about the Academy that they nominated “Its Hard Out Here For A Pimp” over “Whoop Dat Trick”. (As a side note to the none of you who have seen Hustle and Flow - how does “Whoop Dat Trick” become his hit song when “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” is clearly the better song? This bothered me. I hope the filmmakers did that intentionally as a commentary on present day commercial hip hop even though I feel pretty sure they didn’t.) Its also worth noting that I now wish I could somehow retroactively make “its hard out here for a pimp” my high school yearbook quote.
* The Richard Linklater Memorial “Unexpected Yet Exciting and Deserving Screenplay Nominee” Award - Noah Baumbach.
The Squid and the Whale. Now there’s a good movie for ya folks. Extra points for actually unexpectedly incorporating both a squid and a whale. And also for being the best of the Sexually Frank Younger Brother sub-genre that sprung up this year (see also: Thumbsucker and You Me and Everyone We Know)
* Okay, this seems like as good a place as any to mention William Hurt’s nomination. Now granted Supporting Actor this year might be the weakest Oscar category in history. Paul Giamatti gives the only performance in the group that should even be mentioned in the same breath as the word “Oscar”. If I had to come up with five viable worthy nominees this year I honestly couldn’t do it. And believe me, I’ve tried. All that being said though, there is never any excuse to ever nominate William Hurt for ANYTHING. EVER! For any reason! Perhaps they missed the memo but William Hurt is the worst actor in the history of man. William Hurt makes Keanu Reeves look like Laurence Olivier. William Hurt makes Beyonce in the Pink Panther trailers look like Meryl Streep in Sophies Choice. William Hurt makes Jack Black in King Kong look like Jack Black in School of Rock. William Hurt, in short, is a TERRIBLE ACTOR. I wish nothing but harm on William Hurt for bringing such disgrace on not only the profession of acting but also on the speaking of the English language. After seeing William Hurt’s name in the opening credits of Syriana it caused me physical pain that I had unknowingly given money to a William Hurt movie. I will never see Children of a Lesser God just because I know Marlee Matlin was dating William Hurt at the time she was filming it. I really hate William Hurt more than words can describe and yet now he’s nominated (AGAIN) for an Oscar. And to top it off he’s nominated for A History of Violence. The worst movie of the year! And he was the worst thing about it!! And if it seems like I’m remaining even the slightest bit calm about this its only because my therapist has really been intensely helping me over the last week to deal with this issue. Otherwise I would have already lit my face on fire by now. Because that’s what the academy is daring me to do with nominations like this. Okay, its time to go retake my meds again…
(And yes I realize that passionately hating William Hurt is kind of random and a little bizarre but you know what, so is the ending of Donnie Darko. Wait, that didn’t relate to the point I was trying to make at all really. What am I even talking about?…)
* The Judy Dench Saucy Old British Nominee of the Year Award: Judy Dench.
Want to get nominated for an Oscar? Become old and British. Or just become Judy Dench. Because that’s all she had to do in order to get this nomination - simply be herself. As much as I love Judy Dench, you can't honestly say her work in Mrs. Henderson Presents was in any way award worthy. All she did was play “Judy Dench” and she’s played “Judy Dench” much better in previously movies. This year alone I thought she played “Judy Dench” much better in Pride and Prejudice than she did in Mrs. Henderson Presents. But whatever. She’s Judy Dench so you cant be too mad. But in a year when Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof and Joan Allen in The Upside of Anger were both left on the outside looking in, I AM mildly outraged that Judy Dench got nominated for simply AWOAB (Acting While Old And British).
* Like most Americans, I have a good David Strathairn story that I like to tell at parties. A few years ago I went to see a production of A Winters Tale at some Off-Broadway theater downtown. The production was awful and was the genesis of my “if the director’s note in the program is more than a page long, immediately leave the theater and try and get your money back” rule. What made the production particularly awful though was the guy who played Leontes. I had never seen him before in my life and I remember commenting to the people I was with that I couldn’t believe this guy could get any acting job at all, let alone the lead in A Winters Tale. He was so bad it was laughable. In fact I stayed for the second act just so I could make jokes to the people I was with about how bad he was. Of course this being my David Strathairn story it should come as no surprise to find out that I later learned that the man in question was a famous and respected actor named David Strathairn. The same David Strathairn who, even though he was clearly far less deserving than Russell Crowe, Jeff Daniels AND Eric Bana, is now an Oscar nominee. Its times like this that I think its wise that you don’t give a shit about Oscar nominations. And its times like this I think I should choose another hobby instead. Perhaps knitting. Then I could knit a gun. And shoot William Hurt in the face.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) “Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans” (book)
2.) Sufjan Stevens
3.) The Lady in the Water trailer
3 & 1/2.) Sarah Silverman in The Aristocrats
Thought of the Week:
Can some rapper please at some point use the line: “I’m the boss like Tony Danza / the way I spit this stanza”? I’m giving it away free of charge.
* Is the fact that I slept soundly the night before Christmas, but I woke up 5 different times the night before the Oscar nominations just because I was worried my alarm might not go off and I would miss them some sort of statement about my life? Yes, I think it is. And not a good one.
* Ultimately despite the 2,000 following words to the contrary, as long as Munich, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams got nominated nothing else really matters. In addition to those three and the other nominations I'll discuss below, I was also really glad about the nominations for Catherine Keener, Paul Giamatti, Tony Kushner and the fact that Scarlett Johansson DIDN’T get nominated for her horrible work in Match Point.
* Just like last year’s Best Album Grammy category, this year’s Best Picture nominees should have been a complete and utter gimme, and yet they went horribly wrong somehow. Based on critical acclaim, popularity, prestige, importance, and that key indefinable intangible “Oscarness” there were exactly four glaringly obvious potential nominees (Brokeback, Munich, King Kong, and Crash (despite the fact its not any good)) and two very similar nominees left to battle for the 5th spot (Walk the Line, Cinderella Man). These nominees would have perfectly covered all the traditional requisite Oscar nominee categories: Sweeping epic love story (Brokeback, King Kong), important message movie (Brokeback, Crash, Munich), serious film by a well-respected director (Munich, Brokeback), little indie that could (Crash), overrated critics darling (Crash), cultural phenomenon (Brokeback), Peter Jackson blockbuster (King Kong), and Walk the Line and Cinderella Man could have duked it out for the “populist feel good hit based on a true story” slot. Oh yeah, and there’s also this: Munich, Brokeback, King Kong, Walk the Line and Cinderella Man were actually (in my opinion) the year’s five best movies. And when is there ever a realistic chance that the five best movies of the year could all get nominated for Best Picture? Well, never. So when that chance comes along of course the Academy doesn’t take it. Instead they fail to nominate King Kong because somehow making ONLY $225 million makes it a flop, Cinderella Man because Russell Crowe threw a phone at some guy, and Walk the Line because they are heartless idiots. Instead they chose to nominate Capote and Good Night and Good Luck. Now granted Capote was a great movie, but its not really Best Picture material and since the inexplicably unstoppable force of nature Crash already had a stranglehold on the “little indie that could” slot, nominating Capote seemed completely redundant. And Good Night and Good Luck reminded me of a Paul McCartney solo album - it sounds great while you’re listening to it, but as soon as it’s done it leaves your consciousness instantly. It has to be one of the slightest trifles of a movie ever to be nominated for Best Picture. It was over before it even got started and didn’t even remotely make me feel any sort of emotion of any kind during its entire ridiculously brief running time. And just for the record, that’s not a very difficult task. Plus it was too arty by half. Two minute long close-ups of people thinking and prolonged shots of empty rooms may get George Clooney a Best Director, but a good movie they do not necessarily make. Someone who wasn’t clearly trying to prove to the world that he was a serious and artistic director could have made the same movie, but much better. Anyway, point is, it should have been an such an easy year to pick the Best Picture nominees that only a group of morons could have screwed up. And so naturally the Academy screwed it up. I guess as long as they didn’t nominate A History of Violence I can live with it though. But boy if you thought last year’s nominees were a mediocre group (and by “you” I mean “me”) this year’s nominees, while slightly better, still make 2003 look like 1939 by comparison.
(Wow I didn’t fully realize how badly I need a life until I just reread that last sentence. Actually now I went back and reread that whole paragraph. Wow.)
* The Mystic River Memorial “Overrated Best Picture Nominee That People Will Watch 15 Years From Now And Think How The Hell Was That Nominated And That Hopefully The People Who Voted For It Will Have To Somehow Try And Explain Why It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time” Award (Try putting that on a trophy): Crash.
When Crash came out I heard people around school and on the Internet raving about Crash and how it was one of the best movies they had seen in a long time. So then, I went to see Crash. All I can say to those people is this - if you thought Crash was one of the best movies you’d seen in a long time not only do I feel very badly for you, but I also would recommend that you start watching better movies. (Unless of course you’re Roger Ebert, in which case you’ve just clearly confirmed the suspicions that you have completely lost your mind). From working at Blockbuster I well know that the average American movie goer only watches horror movies, unfunny “comedies” involving the Wilson brothers, and whatever was number one at the box office its opening weekend, and so the shock of being exposed to something serious like Crash must be overwhelming to their system. Somewhat like finding a carrot in a box of Goobers. (And yes I do realize that might possibly be the worst analogy in the history of recorded time). But nevertheless have we really sunk so low that two dimensional characters, hackneyed ridiculously implausible coincidences, and messages delivered so obviously they would insult the intelligence of a five year old are considered the makings of high art and good entertainment? (see also: A History of Violence; or better yet don’t.) (And if you think I’m anywhere close to being done taking digs at A History of Violence you’re sadly mistaken). And despite Crash’s flaws - even though every character was a two dimensional archetype/stereotype, and even though the movie had already stretched the interlocking storylines thing well past its breaking point – the movie could have still redeemed itself if one change had been made. The real make or break moment was when the kid got shot. At that moment I remember thinking, “oh my god if they kill the kid I forgive this movie all its sins, and if they don’t kill the kid I might seriously considering getting up and walking out”. And of course the kid was saved by some invisible magic cloak they stole from Harry Potter, and in doing so defined the whole movie in a nutshell. The movie takes no chances, says and does nothing new or provocative, and is generally toothless, completely predictable, and utterly implausible. Has our national discourse on controversial subjects really digressed to the level where simply putting characters who are racists in a movie constitutes a provocative examination of racism? If Spike Lee was still around today he would vomit on your face if you tried to tell him Crash was a provocative examination of racism. Either that or heckle you at a Knicks game. The only new thing I learned from Crash about race relations is that no matter what color you are, if you think Crash is a brilliant, groundbreaking movie, then you are an idiot.
(Also worth noting: Crash got nominated for Best Picture and yet it’s not even the best picture this year to feature Chris Bridges. That’s just Ludacris.)
(Also worth noting part 2: When one of the best scenes of your movie involves Ryan Phillippe that should be a sign there’s a problem. And speaking of Ryan Phillippe - can we start taking bets yet on how obnoxious on a scale of 1 to 10 he’s going to be at the Oscars? I’ve got 20 bucks on 9.5.)
* All that being said I do have to give the Academy some credit. They did get the Supporting Actress nominees 100% correct. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
* Now back to you’re regularly scheduled bitching: How the hell was Ray nominated last year and yet Walk the Line wasn’t nominated this year despite the fact that Walk the Line is about 500% better than Ray. Although to be fair to Ray through its incessant airings on HBO it has really kind of grown on me. Plus Richard Schiff is in it! Only with hair on his head on not his on his chin! The first time I realized this might have been one of the most exciting days of my life. It was like the exact opposite of the day I found out Rachel McAdams was 29. And speaking of Ray here’s a little SAT problem for you
Ray : HBO ::
A.) Remember the Titans : TNT
B.) Dave Chappelle - Killin’ Them Softly : Comedy Central’s Secret Stash
C.) Yankeeography : YES Network
D.) All of the above
* The Ethan Hawke “Supporting Actor Nominee Who It Seems Odd To Associate With The Phrase ‘Oscar Nominee’ And Yet It Doesn’t Really Matter Because A Year From Now No One Will Even Remember It Happened” Award – Matt Dillon
Matt Dillon is now officially the luckiest man on earth and if you ask why I say this clearly you are not a connoisseur of the film Wild Things. Although it must be said that Matt Dillon should be disqualified from all future award nominations for being tangentially associated with Entourage. And for once dating Cameron Diaz.
* The Charlize Theron “Who Knew They Could Act” Award – Keira Knightly
I remember walking out of Pride and Prejudice and almost everyone in my family including myself simultaneously saying “wow, Kiera Knightly should be nominated for SOMETHING for that”. And I remember thinking her getting an Oscar nomination could never happen and SHOULD never happen because there were already five such strong leading actress candidates, but yet somehow still wishing there was some way for her to be nominated without knocking one of the other women out. Well unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. Both Gwyneth and Joan Allen wound up getting snubbed for her to get in, and I’m conflicted as to how I feel about that. One the one hand they were both much better than her. But on the other hand, when you feel you like you discovered a performance yourself and were saying it deserved a nomination before that even seemed like a plausible idea to anyone else, you develop a strong personal rooting interest in that performance and it almost feels like some sort of personal validation now that it is indeed nominated. Its like discovering a hip new band six months before anyone else and then being able to say “I was listening to them six months ago” when everyone else starts to find out about them. And clearly I have lost all skill with metaphors. Anyway, point is although I’m still conflicted about it, I am ultimately still glad to see Keira Knightly get an Oscar nomination. It also restores my faith in the system that performances that aren’t heavily hyped by PR machines and the press can still get nominated. Because its one thing to go into a movie knowing, okay Felicity Huffman is a potential Oscar nominee for this role, and it’s a completely other thing to go into a movie with no expectations of anything other than a good time and then when its over thinking “that was just Oscar nomination worthy work” and then that actually coming to pass. So in short, congrats Keira. I had no idea you could act.
* The fact that “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” is nominated for Best Song makes me tremendously happy. And not just because watching them try and deal with the title and lyrics during the telecast will be tremendous fun, but also because it means Three 6 Mafia are now Oscar nominees. And what’s better than that really? Plus it makes me feel good about the Academy that they nominated “Its Hard Out Here For A Pimp” over “Whoop Dat Trick”. (As a side note to the none of you who have seen Hustle and Flow - how does “Whoop Dat Trick” become his hit song when “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” is clearly the better song? This bothered me. I hope the filmmakers did that intentionally as a commentary on present day commercial hip hop even though I feel pretty sure they didn’t.) Its also worth noting that I now wish I could somehow retroactively make “its hard out here for a pimp” my high school yearbook quote.
* The Richard Linklater Memorial “Unexpected Yet Exciting and Deserving Screenplay Nominee” Award - Noah Baumbach.
The Squid and the Whale. Now there’s a good movie for ya folks. Extra points for actually unexpectedly incorporating both a squid and a whale. And also for being the best of the Sexually Frank Younger Brother sub-genre that sprung up this year (see also: Thumbsucker and You Me and Everyone We Know)
* Okay, this seems like as good a place as any to mention William Hurt’s nomination. Now granted Supporting Actor this year might be the weakest Oscar category in history. Paul Giamatti gives the only performance in the group that should even be mentioned in the same breath as the word “Oscar”. If I had to come up with five viable worthy nominees this year I honestly couldn’t do it. And believe me, I’ve tried. All that being said though, there is never any excuse to ever nominate William Hurt for ANYTHING. EVER! For any reason! Perhaps they missed the memo but William Hurt is the worst actor in the history of man. William Hurt makes Keanu Reeves look like Laurence Olivier. William Hurt makes Beyonce in the Pink Panther trailers look like Meryl Streep in Sophies Choice. William Hurt makes Jack Black in King Kong look like Jack Black in School of Rock. William Hurt, in short, is a TERRIBLE ACTOR. I wish nothing but harm on William Hurt for bringing such disgrace on not only the profession of acting but also on the speaking of the English language. After seeing William Hurt’s name in the opening credits of Syriana it caused me physical pain that I had unknowingly given money to a William Hurt movie. I will never see Children of a Lesser God just because I know Marlee Matlin was dating William Hurt at the time she was filming it. I really hate William Hurt more than words can describe and yet now he’s nominated (AGAIN) for an Oscar. And to top it off he’s nominated for A History of Violence. The worst movie of the year! And he was the worst thing about it!! And if it seems like I’m remaining even the slightest bit calm about this its only because my therapist has really been intensely helping me over the last week to deal with this issue. Otherwise I would have already lit my face on fire by now. Because that’s what the academy is daring me to do with nominations like this. Okay, its time to go retake my meds again…
(And yes I realize that passionately hating William Hurt is kind of random and a little bizarre but you know what, so is the ending of Donnie Darko. Wait, that didn’t relate to the point I was trying to make at all really. What am I even talking about?…)
* The Judy Dench Saucy Old British Nominee of the Year Award: Judy Dench.
Want to get nominated for an Oscar? Become old and British. Or just become Judy Dench. Because that’s all she had to do in order to get this nomination - simply be herself. As much as I love Judy Dench, you can't honestly say her work in Mrs. Henderson Presents was in any way award worthy. All she did was play “Judy Dench” and she’s played “Judy Dench” much better in previously movies. This year alone I thought she played “Judy Dench” much better in Pride and Prejudice than she did in Mrs. Henderson Presents. But whatever. She’s Judy Dench so you cant be too mad. But in a year when Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof and Joan Allen in The Upside of Anger were both left on the outside looking in, I AM mildly outraged that Judy Dench got nominated for simply AWOAB (Acting While Old And British).
* Like most Americans, I have a good David Strathairn story that I like to tell at parties. A few years ago I went to see a production of A Winters Tale at some Off-Broadway theater downtown. The production was awful and was the genesis of my “if the director’s note in the program is more than a page long, immediately leave the theater and try and get your money back” rule. What made the production particularly awful though was the guy who played Leontes. I had never seen him before in my life and I remember commenting to the people I was with that I couldn’t believe this guy could get any acting job at all, let alone the lead in A Winters Tale. He was so bad it was laughable. In fact I stayed for the second act just so I could make jokes to the people I was with about how bad he was. Of course this being my David Strathairn story it should come as no surprise to find out that I later learned that the man in question was a famous and respected actor named David Strathairn. The same David Strathairn who, even though he was clearly far less deserving than Russell Crowe, Jeff Daniels AND Eric Bana, is now an Oscar nominee. Its times like this that I think its wise that you don’t give a shit about Oscar nominations. And its times like this I think I should choose another hobby instead. Perhaps knitting. Then I could knit a gun. And shoot William Hurt in the face.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) “Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans” (book)
2.) Sufjan Stevens
3.) The Lady in the Water trailer
3 & 1/2.) Sarah Silverman in The Aristocrats
Thought of the Week:
Can some rapper please at some point use the line: “I’m the boss like Tony Danza / the way I spit this stanza”? I’m giving it away free of charge.
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