Me: Hi Usher, nice to see you.
Usher: Hey boo.
Me: Umm…hey…So anyway, if you’ll have a seat we can get started. Now I hate to bring this up but you’re actually almost a half hour late. You were supposed to be here at 4:00 and its already almost 4:30 so…
Usher: Well you know how it is - so many days, so many hours.
Me: What?
(pause)
Usher: Baby, I’m a love you.
Me:…Usher, are you throwed?
Usher: Yeeaaah! Im so throwed, I don’t know what to do! But to give you part two of my confessions.
Me: Um, you never gave me part one. You just got here remember?
Usher: Baby I been here.
Me: Um, actually no you haven’t.
Usher: It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours since I sat down.
Me: No it hasn’t. Those aren’t even real numbers. How much did you have to drink exactly?
Usher: I am SO throwed!
Me: Yeah we’ve been over that already…Please don’t tell me you drove here.
(silence)
Me: Oh no, you DID drive here didn’t you?
(silence)
Me: Usher, I won’t be mad but just tell me how you got here.
Usher: Well I was ridin' in my whip, racin' to this place…
Me: Wait, hold up. Ridin in your whip? What the hell is your whip?
Usher: My ride.
Me: You can’t just go around making up words like that. Especially when they already exist. Are you an idiot or something?
Usher: My chick on the side said she got one on the way!!!
Me: So that answers that.
Usher: You know that chick on part one I told you I was creepin' with, creepin' with?
Me: No. We already went over this, you never told me part one. And stop repeating yourself.
Usher: Well anyway, she said she's three months pregnant and she's keepin' it.
Me: What?!? What are you talking about? I thought you were with that chick from TLC.
Usher: I am. But I got this chick on the side that she don’t know about. And now she pregnant. I just done said all that.
Me: This is seriously the first time you’re mentioning this to me. I know nothing about this situation. Who the hell is this girl? Where did you meet her?
Usher: I can’t remember. My boy Andre 3000 maybe do though. Yo, Dre you got the story bout how I met that one chick?
Andre 3000: Oh, that’s ones easy. When you first met your SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel I can remember that damn thing like yesterday. You’re in the club with your hommies, tryna get a lil V-I, keep it down on the low key, cause you know how it feels. And this fine looking shorty rolls by. I mean, on a one-to-ten she's a certified twenty, and that just aint me. All the hommies agreed. The way she moved reminded you of a brown stallion horse with skates on - smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair. So you walked up on her and was almost paralyzed. Her neck was smelling sweeter than a plate of yams with extra syrup, eyes beaming like four karats apiece just blindin' a nigga. Felt like you chiefed a whole O of that Presidential your heart was beating so damn fast. She was checkin up on you, and from the game she was spittin your ear you would think that she knew you. So you decided to chill. But conversation got heavy, and she had you feelin like she's ready to blow. She saying “come get me, come get me”, so you got up and followed her to the floor. She said, “Baby let’s go”. So she’s all up in your head now, got you thinking that it might be a good idea to take her with you, cause she's ready to leave. But you gotta keep it real now, cause you don't know if you take that chance just where is it was gonna lead. But what you did know was that the way she dance made shorty alright with you. I mean, the way she getting low! So you’re like, “yeah, just work that out for me.” And so she asked for one more dance and you’re like yeah. I mean, how the hell you supposed to leave? And that’s how it happened.
Me: Well thank you very much for that story Mr. 3000.
Andre 3000: Aint no thang. (he leaves)
Usher: So you see my problem. Whatma gonna do? What I gotta do now to get my shorty back? Cause ooo ooo ooo ooooh, man I don't know what I'm gonna do without my boo.
Me: What is this, fuckin Halloween?
Usher: What?
Me: Nevermind. Look what you gotta do is just tell her that you love and that youre sorry, and since you guys are a couple you’ll work through it together.
Usher: But we done been fell apart
Me: Okay look, you really gotta work on your grammar or this just aint happenin.
Nelly: Did I herrr someone sayin Country Grammar up in herrr?
Me: Um, no.
Carlos Santana: Did I hear someone mention the Grammys?
Me: Um, No.
Spencer Grammer: Got any coke?
Me: No.
(pause)
Me: Moving on…The first thing you gotta do is to really be sorry for your actions.
Usher: Howma gonna do that?
Me: Well the Catholics say that to receive forgiveness for your sins you have to undergo a penance, or some type of self-imposed suffering or payment for your actions.
Usher: Aight, how I do that?
Me: Well I could hit you in the face repeatedly until it really starts to burn.
Usher: What?
(I hit him in the face)
Usher: Hey, that hurt!
Me: I know. It’s supposed to. That’s how this works. And even though this might bruise you, if you’re really sorry, then you need to let it burn. Let it burn. You gotta let it burn.
Usher: Okay.
(I hit him in the face again)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh!
(I keep pummeling him furiously)
Usher: Ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh oooh! Can ya feel me burnin'?
Me: No.
(The pummeling continues)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh…It burns!!!
Me: Okay that’s probably enough. So now you’re forgiven for your actions. What you need to do next is be honest with your girl and seek HER forgiveness.
Usher: How I do that?
Me: Well tell her exactly what happened and what was running through your mind when you found out about it. Like for example, when you got that phone call, what immediately went through your mind?
Usher: Well, I damn near cried.
Me: That’s good, but what was the first thought that came into your mind?
Usher: The first thing that came to mind was glue.
Me: Glue?
Usher: Yeah I enjoy arts and crafts.
Me: Well that’s nice but how bout when you’re talking to her you say instead that, “the first thing that came to mind was YOU” rather than glue. I think that’ll go over better.
Usher: Okay, if you say so.
Me: I do. What did you think about next?
Usher: Well second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true. Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did, how I ain't ready for no kid.
Me: Well you can’t dwell on the past, but it does sound like for the most part you got a pretty good handle on it.
Usher: Yeah, but howma gonna tell the woman I love that I’m havin a baby by a woman I barely even know?
Me: Well that’ll be hard, but that’s why you should practice saying out loud what you want to tell her so you’ll get used to hearing the words come out of your mouth. It'll make it much easier when the actual time comes. Lets practice right now in fact. Let me hear what you’ll say to her when you see her.
Usher: I dunno what Ima say.
Me: Yes you do. Just come out and say it.
Usher: But if I tell it then I gotta tell it all. And dat’s hard.
Me: I know its tough, but you gotta do it.
Usher: I cant.
Me: Yes you CAN.
Usher: Man, but right now I just sittin here stuck on supid, tryna figure out when, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth.
Me: Don’t worry about it so much. And what did I tell you about working on your grammar?
Usher: I know, but I said it ain't gon' be easy
Me: True, but you just need to stop thinkin', contemplatin' and be a man and get it over with
Usher: Over with?
Me: Yes.
Usher: Aight…Here goes: “This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. To tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know. I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this and hopefully you'll give me another chance. This ain't about my career. This ain't about my life. It's about us.”
Me: Wait! That’s it!
Usher: What’s it?
Me: What you need to do. This IS about your career! What you need to do is record the story of what a scumbag you are in a song, put a smooth R&B groove to it, and you’ll become a star! See, right now everyone things you’re a non-descript singer who likes to strip during performances at awards shows. But once everyone finds out that you’re actually a cheating, lying, sex-obsessed douche bag then they’ll totally love you. It’s always better to be an awful person than it is to not be worthy of being on the cover of US Weekly. This whole having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous women while you’re in a committed relationship is your ticket to the top kid! Maybe you can even get a Grammy nomination or 5 out of it!!
Usher: Yeeeaah!
Me: And see if you can find someone to hang out who drinks pimp juice out of a gold chalice. Preferably someone short, with gold teeth, outrageous glasses, and a big hat. You’ll look really cool by comparison.
Usher: Yeeeaaaahh!!
Me: And maybe find a really obnoxious weird looking guy to hang out with too.
Usher: That sounds ludicrous.
Me: Indeed it does, but really once people see you in side-by-side comparison with really, really untalented people, there’s No Limit to how popular you’ll become.
Usher: Yeeaaahhh!!
Me: So you know what you gotta do now right?
Usher: Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeaah!
Me: Okay settle down.
Usher: Sorry.
Me: So you know what to do when you talk to your boo?
Usher: Sing it to her. And make sure the tape is rolling.
Me: Very good. And what about your new posse?
Usher: Short guy with pimp juice in a chalice and ridiculously untalented southern guy.
Me: Right. And what about your herpes?
Usher: I gotta let ‘em burn.
Me: That’s right, no Valtrex. The pain is part of your penance.
Usher: Yeah!
Me: Alright Usher, you go knock ‘em dead. Or at least show them properly to their seats.
Usher: Will do. And that you for the assistance my white brother. You have helped me greatly. I am now off to do my work. So holla back boo.
(he flies away into the sunset)
The End
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Shrimp
2.) The Office (BBC version)
3.) The Dandy Warhols - "Bohemian Like You"
3 & 1/2.) Amy Adams in Junebug
Thought of the Week:
"To me being 'cool' is the opposite of living. Its about not getting too worked up abot anything...Its such a cliched, jaded posture to take. I get real enthuastic about stuff. Its what I think is life-affirming" - Owen Wilson
(I feel certain that will be the only time in my life I will ever quote Owen Wilson, but the man has great point.)
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Euro Trip
29 Days.
9 Countries.
13 Cities.
6 People.
1 Journal Entry.
That’s right- this is all you get. No postcards. No trinkets or knick-knacks or paddy-whacks. Not even any shot glasses. This is all I got for you- a rather short list of musings. It’s like one of those shirts: “My favorite online journal author went to Europe and I'll got were these lousy musings”. But it’s probably for the best that I kept it rather short. Even more so than with most entries you’ll probably have no idea what I’m talking about so none of the jokes will even make sense. In fact it’s a lot like watching your neighbors’ vacation slide show, only without the visual stimulation. Enjoy!
-One thing I found is that no matter where you go in this world there really are three things that are unavoidable: death, taxes and Japanese tourists.
-English is the new Latin.
-If someone doesn’t at first speak your language I found the best thing to do is to just stare at them blankly, silently judging them. Then they always start speaking English.
-Greek is Greek to me.
-I apologize for that last joke.
-Is there a job in the world more pointless than Amsterdam police officer?
-There’s a reason dollar coins haven’t caught on in the States. Because we’re not idiots.
-If you at all know Greg Lynch and you haven’t already heard the “Amsterdam/banana” story then you must seek him out and ask him to tell it to you. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.
-When in Rome…
…do a Roman
…watch out for flying gypsy babies
…pass out from heat exhaustion
-The good thing about being in Europe for a month is you get to learn a lot about American pop music.
-On a related note: By far the two most popular songs in Europe are “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by the Black Eyed Peas and “Had a Bad Day” by Some Guy I Want to Stab With a Salad Fork. Clearly two songs that would only thrive in a place where people can’t understand the lyrics…
-If you want to know what Dublin is like, try to imagine if there was a place in America that was old, industrial, filled with historical buildings many of which involve a revolutionary war, cold, near water, and filled with Irish people. If only such a place existed in America...Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination…
-If you only see one thing in your life see Park Guell in Barcelona. If you only see two things, see it twice.
-Actually I totally take that last statement back. If you only see one thing in your life, see The Acropolis in Athens. I’ve only seen a very small section of this planet but if there’s anything more mind-blowing than The Acropolis on this Earth I would be VERY surprised. It was so incredible I even bought a T-shirt.
-If you somehow have time to see three things in your life the third one should definitely be the fireworks at the Eiffel tower on Bastille Day. The word “fireworks” though does them so little justice. It’s insulting to even mention them in the same breath with “fireworks”. To call them “fireworks” is like calling Jennifer Connolly “an attractive person”. I gotta give the French this, they totally kick our ass in the fireworks/laser/music/fire/lighting spectaculars department. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
-It’s amazing how much you can communicate with someone using just hand signals, body language, and grunting noises. A gun also helps.
-Either the French haven’t bathed in a VERY long time or Paris is the new Harlem.
-Once again, I apologize for that last joke, but on a whole different level.
-I found out what happened to the Fanta girls. They moved to Europe.
-On a serious note: If everyone in the world spoke the same language it would be a MUCH more united place. It's not stick and stones that break our bones, it’s the communication gap that hurts us.
-Another serious note that I read somewhere on the trip (can’t remember where) but thought worth sharing: “America gave the world both smallpox and the vaccine for smallpox.”
It gets deeper the longer you think about it.
-In Spain they really don’t sit around counting things out loud or discussing members of the family or parts of the body nearly as much as I was lead to believe in Spanish class. I’m very disappointed.
-Is it too late to go to Olive Garden and ask for my money back?
-Just so you know: The Maestro lied. There are plenty of villas available in Tuscany.
-If you’d like a good challenge, try explaining what a fluffernutter is to someone who has a very limited knowledge of English.
-Its good to know that despite all our differences the one common unifier among all the world’s people is a love for illegal narcotics.
-MTV in Italy actually plays videos. Seriously, get with the program people. That’s like SO 1988.
-If you’re a homeless beggar in Rome and you’re not hanging out by the Vatican then what the hell are you doing? You really might want to rethink begging as a profession because clearly you don’t have what it takes.
-From time to time I like to give back to my readers and this is one of those times. So if you happen to be a homeless American beggar listen up because here’s my unsolicited career advice for you: Learn a skill. It doesn’t have to be much. I don’t mean you have to play an instrument or dance. It can be anything. Anything at all. Get a skeleton puppet and have it dance to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. Learn how to fit your entire body inside a small box. Jump out from behind a bush. Just stand really, really still. Anything! But just do SOMETHING. Because this whole asking for money without providing any service has got to end. You’re really an embarrassment to our country. Europe’s homeless are totally kicking your ass. Almost all of them give back to the community in some way. But not you. You just yell at me. And don’t try and tell me that your comedy routine where you pretend to be passed out on the subway and then fall into people when the train makes sudden stops is giving back. That aint cutting it. There’s seriously no excuse for you not learning a skill, I mean what else are you doing with your day. Its not like you got a lot else goin on. So get to work and start providing me with amusement. I feel like since much of my readership is either homeless and unemployed, or soon to be homeless and unemployed, this public service message might really make a difference. That’s Fredtheonlinejournal for ya. Changing the world one drunken crack whore at a time.
-You know with me you’re usually guaranteed one good exclamation point and capital letter filled rant per entry. Well here you go:
When in Europe it’s pretty easy to got annoyed or even angered at all things American: The always guaranteed to be obnoxious American tourists. The way you can buy Yankees hats in places where they don’t even know what baseball is. The fact a peaceful moment on a side street in Venice can be at any time interrupted by blaring 50 Cent songs. But for me the thing that annoyed me most of all was McDonalds. It wasn’t just their overwhelming presence on every other block. It wasn’t just the fact that they managed to set themselves up inches away from anything of any ancient historical or cultural significance. No, it was mostly their slogan: “I’m lovin’ it”. Now basically every major American company has a heavy presence in Europe; this is a pretty well known fact. But 99.9% of them do the logical thing and translate their slogans so they will be able to reach the locals. McDonalds though for some reason decided not to. Instead, they refused to translate “Im Lovin’ It” leaving it just at it is in America. Now this means that not only is the slogan in English but it also, in “lovin”, it uses a word THAT IS NOT EVEN A REAL WORD! IT’S SLANG! Now of course if you speak English it’s pretty easy to figure out that “lovin” is just short for “loving”. But if you have trouble even figuring out what the word “loving” means, then how the hell are you supposed to know what “lovin” means? IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD!!! Being so powerful and popular that you can use fake foreign slang words to promote your product and no one cares - only at McDonalds folks.
I’M LOVIN’ IT!
-Every country seemed to have approximately one foreign thing that was randomly yet unexplainably popular, often moreso than in its own country. Here’s the country-by-country list based on my own personal, possibly inaccurate, observations:
Ireland- Kelly Clarkson
England- Subway sandwiches, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Netherlands- everything America has ever produced
France- Tim Burton
Italy- Pringles, U2
Spain- Fanta
Greece- backgammon (might actually be of Greek origin for all I know. But for whatever reason backgammon is as popular in Athens as pot and hookers are in Amsterdam)
-Over the course of the trip I came to appreciate many, many things about America much more than I would have ever imagined. But there’s nothing I now appreciate more about America than free water in restaurants. In Europe, between restaurants and bottles from street vendors, I don’t thing it would be an exaggeration to say I spent more money on hydration than I did on habitation. Suffice it to say Europe was VERY hot. But then again as much as I might have complained, part of me thinks you haven’t really lived until you’ve chugged an entire 2 Liter bottle of water in under 5 minutes. So I hereby present a small sampling of my rants about water:
-I have a new favorite drink - water. And as you’ve read previously on this very site, the two foods I’m obsessed with are rice and Cheerios. I think those bits of information should tell you all you need to know about me as a person.
-I always heard “don’t drink the tap water in Europe”. I didn’t realize that was because they infused it with crack. Damn hommie, that shit addictive.
-When you find a bottle of water for 50 cents and immediately begin cradling it like a baby and caressing it, and don’t even realize you’re doing it until someone calls you out for it, that’s when you know that you might have a problem.
Conversation from a dream I had:
Faceless person: Can I have a sip of your water?
Me: (maniacal laughter)
Faceless person: Wow, Europe really HAS been life changing hasn’t it?
Ranking the waters of Paris:
1.)Evian- The Grey Goose of water
2.)Vittel- Refreshing but a little bland
3.)Eau du Source- If by “source” they mean “the tap” then I’ll go with them on that one
3 & 1/2.) Volvic Citrus Flavored- If humans produced water out of their assholes this is what that water would taste like
(and yes I do realize that I used the term “bland” to describe water)
-And of course what would an entry be without- THE TOP 3 & 1/2 LISTS:
Top 3 & 1/2 Best Cities in Europe (that we visited):
1.)Amsterdam
2.)Barcelona
3.)Venice
3 & 1/2.) Athens
Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that might not be in your guidebook:
1.)Go to the top of Montijuic in Barcelona
2.)Rent a bike in Amsterdam
3.)Eat at Pizzeria Baffetto in Rome
3 & 1/2.) Have a Mythos beer in Athens
Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that definitely ARE in your guidebook:
1.)The Acropolis
2.)St. Marks Square (in Venice)
3.)Versailles
3 & 1/2.) The Anne Frank House
Top 3 & 1/2 Quotes from Greg about Satan:
1.)“Satan has crawled inside of me and made a nest.”
2.)“I found out what Satan is. He is powdered soap.”
3.)“Satan lives in Barcelona.”
3 & 1/2.) “You can’t spell Satan without the tan.”
(Note: he didn’t actually say the last one. I just wish he had.)
Thought of the Week:
I wonder if 50 Cent ever gets intimidated around 99 cent stores?
Thought of the Week 2:
One of the best things Ive read in a long long time about the state of world affairs. I couldnt have said it all better myself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/the-war-against-fundament_b_5898.html
9 Countries.
13 Cities.
6 People.
1 Journal Entry.
That’s right- this is all you get. No postcards. No trinkets or knick-knacks or paddy-whacks. Not even any shot glasses. This is all I got for you- a rather short list of musings. It’s like one of those shirts: “My favorite online journal author went to Europe and I'll got were these lousy musings”. But it’s probably for the best that I kept it rather short. Even more so than with most entries you’ll probably have no idea what I’m talking about so none of the jokes will even make sense. In fact it’s a lot like watching your neighbors’ vacation slide show, only without the visual stimulation. Enjoy!
-One thing I found is that no matter where you go in this world there really are three things that are unavoidable: death, taxes and Japanese tourists.
-English is the new Latin.
-If someone doesn’t at first speak your language I found the best thing to do is to just stare at them blankly, silently judging them. Then they always start speaking English.
-Greek is Greek to me.
-I apologize for that last joke.
-Is there a job in the world more pointless than Amsterdam police officer?
-There’s a reason dollar coins haven’t caught on in the States. Because we’re not idiots.
-If you at all know Greg Lynch and you haven’t already heard the “Amsterdam/banana” story then you must seek him out and ask him to tell it to you. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.
-When in Rome…
…do a Roman
…watch out for flying gypsy babies
…pass out from heat exhaustion
-The good thing about being in Europe for a month is you get to learn a lot about American pop music.
-On a related note: By far the two most popular songs in Europe are “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by the Black Eyed Peas and “Had a Bad Day” by Some Guy I Want to Stab With a Salad Fork. Clearly two songs that would only thrive in a place where people can’t understand the lyrics…
-If you want to know what Dublin is like, try to imagine if there was a place in America that was old, industrial, filled with historical buildings many of which involve a revolutionary war, cold, near water, and filled with Irish people. If only such a place existed in America...Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination…
-If you only see one thing in your life see Park Guell in Barcelona. If you only see two things, see it twice.
-Actually I totally take that last statement back. If you only see one thing in your life, see The Acropolis in Athens. I’ve only seen a very small section of this planet but if there’s anything more mind-blowing than The Acropolis on this Earth I would be VERY surprised. It was so incredible I even bought a T-shirt.
-If you somehow have time to see three things in your life the third one should definitely be the fireworks at the Eiffel tower on Bastille Day. The word “fireworks” though does them so little justice. It’s insulting to even mention them in the same breath with “fireworks”. To call them “fireworks” is like calling Jennifer Connolly “an attractive person”. I gotta give the French this, they totally kick our ass in the fireworks/laser/music/fire/lighting spectaculars department. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
-It’s amazing how much you can communicate with someone using just hand signals, body language, and grunting noises. A gun also helps.
-Either the French haven’t bathed in a VERY long time or Paris is the new Harlem.
-Once again, I apologize for that last joke, but on a whole different level.
-I found out what happened to the Fanta girls. They moved to Europe.
-On a serious note: If everyone in the world spoke the same language it would be a MUCH more united place. It's not stick and stones that break our bones, it’s the communication gap that hurts us.
-Another serious note that I read somewhere on the trip (can’t remember where) but thought worth sharing: “America gave the world both smallpox and the vaccine for smallpox.”
It gets deeper the longer you think about it.
-In Spain they really don’t sit around counting things out loud or discussing members of the family or parts of the body nearly as much as I was lead to believe in Spanish class. I’m very disappointed.
-Is it too late to go to Olive Garden and ask for my money back?
-Just so you know: The Maestro lied. There are plenty of villas available in Tuscany.
-If you’d like a good challenge, try explaining what a fluffernutter is to someone who has a very limited knowledge of English.
-Its good to know that despite all our differences the one common unifier among all the world’s people is a love for illegal narcotics.
-MTV in Italy actually plays videos. Seriously, get with the program people. That’s like SO 1988.
-If you’re a homeless beggar in Rome and you’re not hanging out by the Vatican then what the hell are you doing? You really might want to rethink begging as a profession because clearly you don’t have what it takes.
-From time to time I like to give back to my readers and this is one of those times. So if you happen to be a homeless American beggar listen up because here’s my unsolicited career advice for you: Learn a skill. It doesn’t have to be much. I don’t mean you have to play an instrument or dance. It can be anything. Anything at all. Get a skeleton puppet and have it dance to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. Learn how to fit your entire body inside a small box. Jump out from behind a bush. Just stand really, really still. Anything! But just do SOMETHING. Because this whole asking for money without providing any service has got to end. You’re really an embarrassment to our country. Europe’s homeless are totally kicking your ass. Almost all of them give back to the community in some way. But not you. You just yell at me. And don’t try and tell me that your comedy routine where you pretend to be passed out on the subway and then fall into people when the train makes sudden stops is giving back. That aint cutting it. There’s seriously no excuse for you not learning a skill, I mean what else are you doing with your day. Its not like you got a lot else goin on. So get to work and start providing me with amusement. I feel like since much of my readership is either homeless and unemployed, or soon to be homeless and unemployed, this public service message might really make a difference. That’s Fredtheonlinejournal for ya. Changing the world one drunken crack whore at a time.
-You know with me you’re usually guaranteed one good exclamation point and capital letter filled rant per entry. Well here you go:
When in Europe it’s pretty easy to got annoyed or even angered at all things American: The always guaranteed to be obnoxious American tourists. The way you can buy Yankees hats in places where they don’t even know what baseball is. The fact a peaceful moment on a side street in Venice can be at any time interrupted by blaring 50 Cent songs. But for me the thing that annoyed me most of all was McDonalds. It wasn’t just their overwhelming presence on every other block. It wasn’t just the fact that they managed to set themselves up inches away from anything of any ancient historical or cultural significance. No, it was mostly their slogan: “I’m lovin’ it”. Now basically every major American company has a heavy presence in Europe; this is a pretty well known fact. But 99.9% of them do the logical thing and translate their slogans so they will be able to reach the locals. McDonalds though for some reason decided not to. Instead, they refused to translate “Im Lovin’ It” leaving it just at it is in America. Now this means that not only is the slogan in English but it also, in “lovin”, it uses a word THAT IS NOT EVEN A REAL WORD! IT’S SLANG! Now of course if you speak English it’s pretty easy to figure out that “lovin” is just short for “loving”. But if you have trouble even figuring out what the word “loving” means, then how the hell are you supposed to know what “lovin” means? IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD!!! Being so powerful and popular that you can use fake foreign slang words to promote your product and no one cares - only at McDonalds folks.
I’M LOVIN’ IT!
-Every country seemed to have approximately one foreign thing that was randomly yet unexplainably popular, often moreso than in its own country. Here’s the country-by-country list based on my own personal, possibly inaccurate, observations:
Ireland- Kelly Clarkson
England- Subway sandwiches, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Netherlands- everything America has ever produced
France- Tim Burton
Italy- Pringles, U2
Spain- Fanta
Greece- backgammon (might actually be of Greek origin for all I know. But for whatever reason backgammon is as popular in Athens as pot and hookers are in Amsterdam)
-Over the course of the trip I came to appreciate many, many things about America much more than I would have ever imagined. But there’s nothing I now appreciate more about America than free water in restaurants. In Europe, between restaurants and bottles from street vendors, I don’t thing it would be an exaggeration to say I spent more money on hydration than I did on habitation. Suffice it to say Europe was VERY hot. But then again as much as I might have complained, part of me thinks you haven’t really lived until you’ve chugged an entire 2 Liter bottle of water in under 5 minutes. So I hereby present a small sampling of my rants about water:
-I have a new favorite drink - water. And as you’ve read previously on this very site, the two foods I’m obsessed with are rice and Cheerios. I think those bits of information should tell you all you need to know about me as a person.
-I always heard “don’t drink the tap water in Europe”. I didn’t realize that was because they infused it with crack. Damn hommie, that shit addictive.
-When you find a bottle of water for 50 cents and immediately begin cradling it like a baby and caressing it, and don’t even realize you’re doing it until someone calls you out for it, that’s when you know that you might have a problem.
Conversation from a dream I had:
Faceless person: Can I have a sip of your water?
Me: (maniacal laughter)
Faceless person: Wow, Europe really HAS been life changing hasn’t it?
Ranking the waters of Paris:
1.)Evian- The Grey Goose of water
2.)Vittel- Refreshing but a little bland
3.)Eau du Source- If by “source” they mean “the tap” then I’ll go with them on that one
3 & 1/2.) Volvic Citrus Flavored- If humans produced water out of their assholes this is what that water would taste like
(and yes I do realize that I used the term “bland” to describe water)
-And of course what would an entry be without- THE TOP 3 & 1/2 LISTS:
Top 3 & 1/2 Best Cities in Europe (that we visited):
1.)Amsterdam
2.)Barcelona
3.)Venice
3 & 1/2.) Athens
Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that might not be in your guidebook:
1.)Go to the top of Montijuic in Barcelona
2.)Rent a bike in Amsterdam
3.)Eat at Pizzeria Baffetto in Rome
3 & 1/2.) Have a Mythos beer in Athens
Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that definitely ARE in your guidebook:
1.)The Acropolis
2.)St. Marks Square (in Venice)
3.)Versailles
3 & 1/2.) The Anne Frank House
Top 3 & 1/2 Quotes from Greg about Satan:
1.)“Satan has crawled inside of me and made a nest.”
2.)“I found out what Satan is. He is powdered soap.”
3.)“Satan lives in Barcelona.”
3 & 1/2.) “You can’t spell Satan without the tan.”
(Note: he didn’t actually say the last one. I just wish he had.)
Thought of the Week:
I wonder if 50 Cent ever gets intimidated around 99 cent stores?
Thought of the Week 2:
One of the best things Ive read in a long long time about the state of world affairs. I couldnt have said it all better myself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/the-war-against-fundament_b_5898.html
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Return of the Mack
Guess who’s back? Back again. Fred the Online Journal’s back. Tell a friend.
No really, do tell a friend.
Several friends in fact. As many of you apparently have been doing. Because Fred here is getting so many readers he needed a new home. Thus this new site with the text in a very narrow column that makes my unnecessarily long entries seem even more unnecessarily long than before. (Editing positions still available!) On the bright side though, it allows me to post all my articles on one page and with the archives over there on the right hand side, makes accessing old columns much more user friendly. And there’s now a feature that allows you to email articles to your friends. Plus I now have a web address that is actually easy to remember and give out to people, unlike before when I would have to tell people interested in reading it, “well join facebook and go to my profile”. So hopefully everyone likes the new changes. Because you drove me to them. Yes you.
To explain how, let me take you back in time a bit. To August 2, 2004.
The birth of Fred.
At that time I had never written anything in my life that was to be shown to anyone other than myself that wasn’t for school. (Other than a few birthday and holiday cards). I had tried to keep a journal for a while to write about all my tortured thoughts and bad poetry but it would always quickly dissolve into things like “Scarlet Johansson is the new Natalie Portman” or “how does one choose clown in central park with good parenting messages as a career?” And I would spend way more time writing about things like this than about boring stuff like my own life. Sometime junior year after much prodding to write more by the one and only Chris Maddox, I tried my hand at writing some Chuck Klosterman-inspired short articles- one of which became “I am the Egghead”, another of which got broken down and used in “Facebook.com and the Nature of the Universe”, and two more- “The Dumbing Down of America” and “Why Me No Read”- that might get published on Fred in edited versions at some point in the future. It felt good to write, but I had no idea what to do with it. So I just sat with it on my hard drive for several months. Then summer hit and I started working in the admissions office at Marymount beginning in July. While being trapped in a small room for 7 hours a day doing work that a trained chimp could do just as effectively, my mind often wandered. And the place it usually wandered to was the radio, which was permanently tuned to either Hot 97 or Z100. And in order to keep myself sane during the 100th daily airing of “Lean Back” or “Confessions” I would start to silently mock them in my head. These silent mockings soon turned into full-fledged thoughts and I would write them down on scraps of paper around the office. But I needed desperately to purge these thoughts from my system or else I might die from excessive radio exposure syndrome. But how? Well for years I had admired and enjoyed reading the online journals of Nick Jones, Caroline McGraw and Sara Oldknow, and each of them had shown how online journals didn’t have to be whiny self-indulgent ramblings about your relationship troubles, but instead could be humorous well-written ways to purge whatever is on your mind from your system. And sadly what was (and is) on my mind were thoughts about the songs on Z100 and Hot 97. So inspired by those previously mentioned online journals, and also by Bill Simmons, a blogger of sorts on ESPN.com who I was, and still am, obsessed with, I decided to start Fred the Online Journal. And so those scraps of paper became “Thoughts Had While Listening to the Radio Parts 1 and 2” and then there was no turning back. Only thing was I never expected anyone to actually read it. I only VERY hesitantly posted the link to it in my AIM profile and then later in my facebook profile, but I never made any verbal mention of it to anyone. I started it simply for myself but I realized that my thoughts were no good if I didn’t put them somewhere where someone might conceivably be able to share in them. And just that possibility was enough to feel purged of them. (Wow I’m really starting to sound bulimic here). Anyway, by word of mouth though Fred grew out of control. It started slowly at first, but then after I mentioned Katie Woodruff in “Fred the Online Journal Recommends” the floodgates opened up. And so now this thing has gotten WAY out of hand. But in a good way I guess. So on Fred’s one-year anniversary I just wanted to say thanks to all the people who have helped this grow into what it is. Whatever that may be.
And so without further adieu, props and thanks go to: The aforementioned online journal trailblazers for their inspiration (and also their support). To Kristen Dreger and Katie Woodruff for spreading the word. If I had a budget I would pay you your proper publicist fees. To Lauren Morelli and Brandon Vukovick for their ridiculously long emails about their appreciation of Fred. They are suitable for framing. To everyone who has ever left a comment in the “comment” section, but most especially to Natalie Orozco for using the comment section to do a little writing and “opinionating” of her own. Gold star for her. But really all of you “commenters” have made my day. To Will, and especially Carlyn, for being the only people other than myself to actually directly contribute to the writing of an article. To Ms. Maddox for pushing me to write in the first place. None of this would be here without her support. And last, but certainly not least, to the girls of the apartment formerly known as 3Dub for their amazing level of support. Of course this is only a very brief list of all those who should be thanked but there’s no way I could possibly thank by name everyone who has been supportive of me in the past year. But don’t worry, I remember and appreciate every person who has ever offered me a kind word of support and I do truly thank you for it.
And so with that out of the way, let’s move on to other more pressing things. Like the future. I never intended for this thing to spread outside my immediate circle of friends, but now that it already has I’ve decided I might as well try and spread it as far as possible since many of you seem intent on doing that for me whether I like it or not. So instead of fighting it I figured Id get on board with your visions for old Fred here. And that’s why I got this new site- so it would be easier to promote and easier to access old articles for newer readers. And that’s where you come in. The recruitment of newer readers. This online journal, which has now become way more popular than I am, has been spread amongst you entirely by word of mouth. So keep up the good work. If you enjoy what you read, tell all your friends and have them tell their friends. If you hate what you read then only tell your friends you don’t like. And in return I plan on focusing less on Marymount specific things and more on universal type stuff so that your friends friends will “get it”.
(And yes, musings about Europe are coming very soon so hold your horses. If you have any horses. Which actually would be kind of strange. You holding them I mean. Because you know they’re heavy and stuff. Plus they poop a lot.)
Don’t worry though, I’m not selling out to the man or anything. But if some friends of the man, you know maybe like his first cousin or something, would like to talk to me, I wouldn’t be opposed to it. (Also if anyone knows anything about web design or knows someone who knows something about web design we should talk. I don’t have any money to offer at the moment but I will one day have a first-born child.) And, as it seems that I now have enough readers to maybe attempt this, Id like to start answering reader mail. Call me a dork (Person 1:“dork”) but it always has been a dream of mine to answer reader mail. So send me any questions or comments- serious, humorous, or other- via email and when I get enough ones worth responding to Ill respond to them in print. But please try to keep the marriage proposals to 50 words or less otherwise I won’t be able to get through all of them. Thanks.
Also, please attach a photo.
So anyway I deeply apologize for getting so personal and self-indulgent here. I can promise you it wont happen again. But I wanted for the one-year anniversary to give you the story of the birth of Fred and to give a heartfelt thanks to those to whom it was due. Meaning all of you. Plus I thought it might help me shed some unnecessary readers by making me seem even more pompous and self-involved than usual. Of course I realize that you don’t care about any of this, but then I also realize that you can bite me.
I taste good.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled humorous detachment and passionate earnestness.
This never happened.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.)Bloc Party - "This Modern Love"
2.)Bloc Party - "Silent Alarm" (album)
3.)MoMa
3 & 1/2.)Rilo Kiley - "Execution of All Things" (album)
Thought of the Week:
All my college life Ive been waiting for the day I turned 23 so that I could use the away message "Im 23 now but will I live to see 24? Yo, the way things are goin I dunno." But now that I finally have turned 23 I have to pay own electric bill and so I dont keep my computer turned on when Im away from it for any extended period of time, meaning I no longer have any need for away messages. Im very upset about this. Just thought I should mention it.
No really, do tell a friend.
Several friends in fact. As many of you apparently have been doing. Because Fred here is getting so many readers he needed a new home. Thus this new site with the text in a very narrow column that makes my unnecessarily long entries seem even more unnecessarily long than before. (Editing positions still available!) On the bright side though, it allows me to post all my articles on one page and with the archives over there on the right hand side, makes accessing old columns much more user friendly. And there’s now a feature that allows you to email articles to your friends. Plus I now have a web address that is actually easy to remember and give out to people, unlike before when I would have to tell people interested in reading it, “well join facebook and go to my profile”. So hopefully everyone likes the new changes. Because you drove me to them. Yes you.
To explain how, let me take you back in time a bit. To August 2, 2004.
The birth of Fred.
At that time I had never written anything in my life that was to be shown to anyone other than myself that wasn’t for school. (Other than a few birthday and holiday cards). I had tried to keep a journal for a while to write about all my tortured thoughts and bad poetry but it would always quickly dissolve into things like “Scarlet Johansson is the new Natalie Portman” or “how does one choose clown in central park with good parenting messages as a career?” And I would spend way more time writing about things like this than about boring stuff like my own life. Sometime junior year after much prodding to write more by the one and only Chris Maddox, I tried my hand at writing some Chuck Klosterman-inspired short articles- one of which became “I am the Egghead”, another of which got broken down and used in “Facebook.com and the Nature of the Universe”, and two more- “The Dumbing Down of America” and “Why Me No Read”- that might get published on Fred in edited versions at some point in the future. It felt good to write, but I had no idea what to do with it. So I just sat with it on my hard drive for several months. Then summer hit and I started working in the admissions office at Marymount beginning in July. While being trapped in a small room for 7 hours a day doing work that a trained chimp could do just as effectively, my mind often wandered. And the place it usually wandered to was the radio, which was permanently tuned to either Hot 97 or Z100. And in order to keep myself sane during the 100th daily airing of “Lean Back” or “Confessions” I would start to silently mock them in my head. These silent mockings soon turned into full-fledged thoughts and I would write them down on scraps of paper around the office. But I needed desperately to purge these thoughts from my system or else I might die from excessive radio exposure syndrome. But how? Well for years I had admired and enjoyed reading the online journals of Nick Jones, Caroline McGraw and Sara Oldknow, and each of them had shown how online journals didn’t have to be whiny self-indulgent ramblings about your relationship troubles, but instead could be humorous well-written ways to purge whatever is on your mind from your system. And sadly what was (and is) on my mind were thoughts about the songs on Z100 and Hot 97. So inspired by those previously mentioned online journals, and also by Bill Simmons, a blogger of sorts on ESPN.com who I was, and still am, obsessed with, I decided to start Fred the Online Journal. And so those scraps of paper became “Thoughts Had While Listening to the Radio Parts 1 and 2” and then there was no turning back. Only thing was I never expected anyone to actually read it. I only VERY hesitantly posted the link to it in my AIM profile and then later in my facebook profile, but I never made any verbal mention of it to anyone. I started it simply for myself but I realized that my thoughts were no good if I didn’t put them somewhere where someone might conceivably be able to share in them. And just that possibility was enough to feel purged of them. (Wow I’m really starting to sound bulimic here). Anyway, by word of mouth though Fred grew out of control. It started slowly at first, but then after I mentioned Katie Woodruff in “Fred the Online Journal Recommends” the floodgates opened up. And so now this thing has gotten WAY out of hand. But in a good way I guess. So on Fred’s one-year anniversary I just wanted to say thanks to all the people who have helped this grow into what it is. Whatever that may be.
And so without further adieu, props and thanks go to: The aforementioned online journal trailblazers for their inspiration (and also their support). To Kristen Dreger and Katie Woodruff for spreading the word. If I had a budget I would pay you your proper publicist fees. To Lauren Morelli and Brandon Vukovick for their ridiculously long emails about their appreciation of Fred. They are suitable for framing. To everyone who has ever left a comment in the “comment” section, but most especially to Natalie Orozco for using the comment section to do a little writing and “opinionating” of her own. Gold star for her. But really all of you “commenters” have made my day. To Will, and especially Carlyn, for being the only people other than myself to actually directly contribute to the writing of an article. To Ms. Maddox for pushing me to write in the first place. None of this would be here without her support. And last, but certainly not least, to the girls of the apartment formerly known as 3Dub for their amazing level of support. Of course this is only a very brief list of all those who should be thanked but there’s no way I could possibly thank by name everyone who has been supportive of me in the past year. But don’t worry, I remember and appreciate every person who has ever offered me a kind word of support and I do truly thank you for it.
And so with that out of the way, let’s move on to other more pressing things. Like the future. I never intended for this thing to spread outside my immediate circle of friends, but now that it already has I’ve decided I might as well try and spread it as far as possible since many of you seem intent on doing that for me whether I like it or not. So instead of fighting it I figured Id get on board with your visions for old Fred here. And that’s why I got this new site- so it would be easier to promote and easier to access old articles for newer readers. And that’s where you come in. The recruitment of newer readers. This online journal, which has now become way more popular than I am, has been spread amongst you entirely by word of mouth. So keep up the good work. If you enjoy what you read, tell all your friends and have them tell their friends. If you hate what you read then only tell your friends you don’t like. And in return I plan on focusing less on Marymount specific things and more on universal type stuff so that your friends friends will “get it”.
(And yes, musings about Europe are coming very soon so hold your horses. If you have any horses. Which actually would be kind of strange. You holding them I mean. Because you know they’re heavy and stuff. Plus they poop a lot.)
Don’t worry though, I’m not selling out to the man or anything. But if some friends of the man, you know maybe like his first cousin or something, would like to talk to me, I wouldn’t be opposed to it. (Also if anyone knows anything about web design or knows someone who knows something about web design we should talk. I don’t have any money to offer at the moment but I will one day have a first-born child.) And, as it seems that I now have enough readers to maybe attempt this, Id like to start answering reader mail. Call me a dork (Person 1:“dork”) but it always has been a dream of mine to answer reader mail. So send me any questions or comments- serious, humorous, or other- via email and when I get enough ones worth responding to Ill respond to them in print. But please try to keep the marriage proposals to 50 words or less otherwise I won’t be able to get through all of them. Thanks.
Also, please attach a photo.
So anyway I deeply apologize for getting so personal and self-indulgent here. I can promise you it wont happen again. But I wanted for the one-year anniversary to give you the story of the birth of Fred and to give a heartfelt thanks to those to whom it was due. Meaning all of you. Plus I thought it might help me shed some unnecessary readers by making me seem even more pompous and self-involved than usual. Of course I realize that you don’t care about any of this, but then I also realize that you can bite me.
I taste good.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled humorous detachment and passionate earnestness.
This never happened.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.)Bloc Party - "This Modern Love"
2.)Bloc Party - "Silent Alarm" (album)
3.)MoMa
3 & 1/2.)Rilo Kiley - "Execution of All Things" (album)
Thought of the Week:
All my college life Ive been waiting for the day I turned 23 so that I could use the away message "Im 23 now but will I live to see 24? Yo, the way things are goin I dunno." But now that I finally have turned 23 I have to pay own electric bill and so I dont keep my computer turned on when Im away from it for any extended period of time, meaning I no longer have any need for away messages. Im very upset about this. Just thought I should mention it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)