The Show That Sent Me Into Therapy

The Oscars. The Big Show. The Jewish Christmas. The Gay Super Bowl. The One Night a Year E! is Relevant. The Academy Awards are many things. But are they something that people still care about almost a week after the fact? Well we’re about to find out. Because as with any great tragedy its taken me about a week to be able to talk about them without breaking down emotionally. But I would hate for some half-baked, mediocre, and now outdated jokes to go to waste. So without further adieu, I give you my Oscar recap:

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* To paraphrase something my roommate Dave said, I’m glad they did Supporting Actor first so we can relax the rest of night without having to worry that we might see any film clips of William Hurt.

* Martin McDonough has an Oscar now! Take that David Mamet!

(Actually they might be friends for all I know. Still, wouldn’t a playwright feud be awesome? It would be the exact opposite of a rapper feud.)

* It might just be me, but I feel like Dolly Parton might have had some work done at some point.

* Are Tom Cruise’s home movies eligible for Best Documentary Short Subject?

* Remember how the technical nominees last year had to receive their awards from the audience? Notice how no one mentioned the fact that they went back to the old way this year? Interesting how it was like last year never happened wasn’t it? Wouldn’t those last three sentences have worked much better as statements rather than questions?

* With Jack Nicholson it’s hard to know whether the girl sitting next to him is his daughter or his date. I think it’s about 50/50 odds either way.

* The Wallace and Grommit guys would make great final round subjects on the inevitable future game show version of the popular guessing game “Gay or European?”

* New product alert: Tab Pink Energy Drink for Women! Their slogan is “The fuel to feel fabulous”. I don't even know what to say about this. I’m literally speechless. But if I could speak, I think the first thing I would say is “thank you God for the greatest product in the history of the world”. This is gonna make the wheel look Blue Raspbery Pepsi.

* I think if you’re a straight male the only way winning an Oscar would hurt your sex life is if the Oscar you won was for Best Makeup.

* Oscar Voiceover Announcer Guy: “When we come back Will Farrell Steve Carell will take the stage”
   Me: Where will they take it to?

(By the way announcer guy, nice job of seconds after she won announcing that, “Rachel Weisz has also been seen in The Mummy and The Mummy 2”. Way to knock her down about 10 levels during the biggest moment of her life.)

* Hey, it’s Russell Crowe! Who let him near the Oscars?

(By the way, has anyone made the joke yet that it’s a good thing for that hotel concierge’s sake that Russell was only trying to call his wife and not email her? Just checking.)

* A quick word about Jon Stewart: I thought he did about as well as The Academy will ever allow anyone to do. I know his writers were told they couldn’t do a lot of the jokes they wanted because they wouldn’t fly with a mainstream middle-America audience and that’s a shame, but I understand. Taking that into account, and also keeping in mind that as a first time host he was on a very short leash, I thought he did a great job. Usually after the monologue is over you never think about the host the rest of the night, but I thought his constant jokes during the show were what kept people watching and entertained. Every time the camera panned to Jon you knew you were going to laugh. My only complaint is that they didn’t let him do enough. His monologue was too short and they really underutilized him. Much like Ellen at the Emmys. But some of the “ad-lib” jokes and the gay cowboy montage were classic Jon Stewart. And nothing beats that. Not even Billy Crystal.

* I know there was a lot of suspense over whether or not Crash would upset Brokeback for Best Picture, but I think that the most suspense and tension filled moment of the evening was the last thirty seconds of Reese Witherspoon’s acceptance speech. Because as the clock was winding down towards the speech’s evitable end the entire nation sat in rapt attention wanting to know the answer to the question we’d wondered about for months: would she forget to thank Ryan Phillippe? About half the speech had gone by and she still hadn’t done it yet. The cameraman then fixed the picture straight on Ryan and the tension was becoming almost unbearable. What would Ryan do if she forgot? Would he pull a gun out of his pocket and shoot himself in the face on live TV? Would he curl up into the fetal position and start bawling hysterically? Would the resultant therapy bills bankrupt their family? But alas, she finally did mention her husband, and so unfortunately Ryan Phillippe would live to see another day. Nevertheless it was the highlight of the night.

(Although on two related notes: I don’t think it’s ever a good sign if your wife seems more enthusiastic about thanking a guy named T-Bone than she is about thanking you. And also – have you ever seen a worse job of pretending to be excited than when Reese Witherspoon came into the pressroom and announced how excited she was that her husband’s movie had just won Best Picture? And keep in mind this was coming from a person who had just won an award called “Best Actress”. I think Keanu Reeves could have done a better job of acting excited than that. And he’s a cyborg!)

* After watching the In Memorandum montage I realized not only was this a bad year for movies it was also a bad year for death. When Richard Pryor gets the last spot in the montage you know it was really not a good year for death.

* I have a confession to make. When she came on stage to present Best Actor I actually thought for a brief moment “Wow, Hillary Swank is kind of hot.” And then the Earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. It was very traumatizing and I’d prefer not to talk about it. Actually, can we just pretend we never had this conversation?

* I made a joke last year about how I should have Morgan Freeman narrate my home movies just to see if that could get them to win an Oscar…Well ladies and gentlemen, I present to you March of the Penguins.

*Yes! King Kong won for sound mixing! Thank god! Cuz, let me tell you something - the sound in the movie was mixed like a fucking yogurt parfait.
(I don’t even know what that means. But I DO know that the guy who invented analogies is rolling over in his grave. As is the guy who invented irony. And humor.)

* I’m glad they included genocide on the list of controversial issues that movies have taken on because I know that before movies were made about genocide most people were very pro-genocide. But Schindler’s List was really able to change a lot of minds.

* I just saw an ad for a new reality show where they’re going to find America’s “Next Great Inventor”. All I know is, whoever wins that show is gonna have to wrestle that title away from the person who invented Pib Energy Drink for Women

* When the Academy President was making his speech about the importance of seeing movies on the big screen and he said, “No actor has ever finished a take and thought, ‘that’ll look good on DVD’” he clearly was forgetting about Pauley Shore.

* While listening to Brokeback composer Gustavo Santaolalla’s acceptance speech I realized that almost no one involved with Brokeback can properly articulate the English language – Gustavo, Ang Lee, Heath Ledger…the list goes on and on.

* Top 3 & 1/2 Moments:
1.) Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin’s Altman tribute (the fact that Jennifer Aniston didn’t get it tells you all you need to know about why Jennifer Aniston will never win an Oscar or even have a viable film career for that matter.)
2.) George Clooney’s Speech
3.) Three 6 Mafia’s speech
3 & 1/2.) All of Jon Stewart’s jokes throughout the night but especially “Please welcome Luke Wilson and Owen Wilson – two talented brothers; which is also a good way to describe the Baldwin family.” (By far the best joke of the night)

* Not that it wasn’t a great moment, but it’s interesting that such a big deal was made about “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” winning Best Song. People like Ludacris kept saying it was a huge break thru for hip-hop. Did everyone forget that a rap song had won Best Song previously? Eminem won for “Lose Yourself” just two years ago yet somehow no one seemed to acknowledge this fact. It’s as though “Lose Yourself” wasn’t valid hip-hop, although I would say that not even showing up for the Oscars is way more “hip-hop” than changing the words to your song so they’ll be acceptable for children and then thanking Gilbert Cates and George Clooney in your acceptance speech. Nothing against Three 6 Mafia, but when people say that their win was a breakthrough for hip-hop, it seems that what they are REALY saying is that it was a breakthrough for BLACK hip-hop and validation for a large segment of the BLACK community. That’s why Eminem doesn’t count. And yet I have heard absolutely no one mention this angle. See boys and girls, this is how race and race relations work in the real world. Which leads into my last item…

* Okay, so I don’t want to go over it again, but as you might be able to tell, I’m still furious that Crash won Best Picture. Actually as more time has passed I’ve become more upset about it winning Best Original Screenplay than about it wining Best Picture. I seriously think you could do the script without changing a single word as a comedy. Just like with Chekhov! I was rereading my Oscar review from last year and was reminded how livid I was about Beyonce singing all the songs. Well multiply that by 10 and that’s how upset I STILL am about this Crash thing. I seriously need to find a good therapist. Since I don’t know what else to say about it I’ll leave you with this:
(I wrote this down about halfway through the telecast before Crash had won a single award yet.)
“The Academy members DO realize that they nominated a movie that features Ludacris, Brendan Fraser AND Tony Danza for Best Picture right?”
I think that says all you need to know.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Darkness – “One Way Ticket To Hell…And Back” (album)
2.) Newman’s Own Ginger O’s Cookies
3.) Astoria
3 & 1/2.) Dave Chappelle’s Block Party

Thought of the Week:
Well its not so much a thought as it is a brain teaser, but someone asked me this at work and trying to figure it out kept me mentally entertained for a good five minutes, which breaks the “longest period of time I’ve been entertained at work” record by a good 4 minutes and 30 seconds. Anyway, here it:
Name the four U.S. Presidents whose last names end with the letter E.
(hint: you gotta know your obscure presidents)