Every year the Golden Globes are about one thing: drunken Meryl Streep.
Meryl Streep giggling, rambling incoherently, and just generally being delightfully Streepian, is, as anyone who has ever read this blog should know, the highlight of the year nearly every year. But as Meryl Streep didn’t appear in a single movie in 2010 there was apparently no way the Hollywood Foreign Press could get her to show up to this year's awards. I firmly believe that all awards shows should be contractually obligated to include Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep in some form or fashion, but The Golden Globes wont heed my advice. Luckily this year though there was something else to improbably take Meryl’s place. Something to dominate the Golden Globes conversation. And that little globe of golden goodness was Ricky Gervais.
I wasn’t alive to see Bob Hope or Johnny Carson, but my earliest memories of awards show hosting were of Billy Crystal – a man cut from their same cloth. A man who told clever and well-crafted jokes about the nominated films more so than the nominated people. And even when he did he rib the stars he did it with a loving wink. It was always fairly funny, but also fairly safe and insider-y. And that was fine for its time. But we’ve changed as a society, and awards show hosting has yet to really catch up. With twitter and facebook and live-blogging, now the jokes the hosts tell seem weak and soft compared to the jokes we’re reading on our computer screens. They’re too polite and safe and nothing like the jokes you are simultaneously making with your friends. They are jokes told by insiders for the amusement of other insiders with the only problem being that the show is being watched by outsiders. Outsiders who no longer find Bruce Vilanch style one-liners particularly hip or funny. The Oscars have at least in the past decade seemed to acknowledge this problem and tried to get hosts from outside the establishment who could tell edgier jokes and get away with more biting material, but whenever they would hire a Chris Rock or a Jon Stewart the “establishment” would get cold feet and would neuter them to the point that a joke slamming Jude Law seemed so out of place that it caused a minor scandal. These young hip cutting-edge hosts never seemed like themselves in these situations. They seemed tame and safe and overly concerned with the feelings of the people in the room, which completely negated the point of having them there in the first place. And which made Ricky Gervais’s hosting gig last night seem so groundbreaking and buzz worthy by comparison. Because Ricky didn’t give a fuck. He told the jokes that we would tell. Jokes from an outsider intended to entertain an audience at home rather than a bunch of privledged celebrities we don’t know and will never even meet. Jokes with teeth and with a contemporary sensibility. And jokes that weren’t concerned with being nice but rather with, you know, being funny. He drank beer on stage, openly rooted for his favorite movie to win, and he spoke truth to power. He was one of us rather than one of them and in the process showed us what an awards show host can and should be in the 21st century. In today’s Everyone’s A Star Universe we no longer aspire to be one of them as much as we aspire for them to be one of us. Last night Ricky spoke for us and turned a thankless job into one we’re all thankful for. And even more importantly, he salvaged a Meryl-less Golden Globes.
Yes, Virginia there might not be a God but there is a Santa Claus.
Now on with the show….
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*What the fuck Christian Bale? That speech was supposed to be a fucking train wreck and yet it totally wasn’t. It wasn’t fucking amateur. It was really fucking good. But I’m trying to fucking do my job here, and how am I supposed to write jokes with you fucking being all fucking sane and reasonable and coherent? What the fuck is it with you? What don't you fucking understand? You got any fucking idea about, hey, it's fucking annoying having somebody deliver a good speech when you already have a good joke ready to go regarding their speech being a train wreck? Give me a fucking answer! What don't you get about that? So you can deliver a good speech - ohhhhh, goooood for you. I hope it was fucking worth it, because my well crafted joke - it's useless now, isn't it? So get it right at the Oscars okay? For fucks sake.
*Speaking of speeches, I have no idea who you are Chris Colfer but your speech warmed the cockles of my cold cold heart.
(Also, you know you went to a performing arts college if as soon as Colfer’s speech was done your facebook news feed blew up like 9/11.) (What, too soon?)
*Why is Michael C. Hall’s beard a completely different color than the rest of his hair? Is it a cancer thing?
*I’m pretty sure that those people who came up to accept the award for Boardwalk Empire were associated with it in some way, but it was hard to tell because none of them were naked.
*I love how NBC acts like its relevant what time its shows air. It’s quaint.
*Lord knows I’ve been wrong with my predictions before, but I feel pretty confident that they should just start describing Perfect Couples as The Single Guy meets Inside Schwartz already. It would save us all some time.
*Only the Golden Globes president would still be able to personally remember a time when movies weren’t taken seriously or considered a respectable form of entertainment. You know because people were too busy with their gramophones and books of sonnets.
*I’m pretty sure that the existence of the Best Original Song category is how Burlesque got greenlit.
*I wonder if Michelle Williams is pissed that Diane Warren stole her haircut?
*Also, Annette Benning, you’re never gonna win and Oscar with hair like that. Only Al Pacino can win Oscars with that hair.
*Also: Bieber.
*Charming though he may be, absolutely nothing Robert Downey Jr. said made any sense.
*Whenever I listen to Nine Inch Nails I’m always struck by how much Trent Reznor sounds like a potential Golden Globe winner, so I’m glad that that’s finally come to pass.
*I don’t really keep up with celebrity news but I would venture to say that Sandra Bullock’s hair is probably the worst thing to ever happen to her.
*Aaron Sorkin has a way with words. And even though he used his speech to do the least necessary damage control ever, I loved every minute of it. Smart girls really do have more fun.
*Hey, does anybody know if Johnny Depp has an animated movie coming out any time soon?
*The new Green Hornet ads don’t really advertise the movie as much as they advertise how shockingly well “Gangstas Paradise” has held up.
*I love how Helena Bonham Carter seems to view fashion as a dare
*Robert De Niro – King of Comedy
also,
Claire Danes – Awards Show Juggernaut
(and User Of The Phrase “Holla”)
*Speaking of The Robert De Niro Comedy Hour, I’m glad he mentioned Awakenings as I was just thinking how’s that easily the most unjustly forgotten movie on his resume. You should really check it out.
*Time has not been kind to Tim The Tool Man Taylor
*At awards shows over the next month David O. Russell is gonna really start to hate sharing a first name with David Fincher
*By the end of February Natalie Portman is officially going to be able to claim the award for biggest disparity between weight when acting and weight when receiving awards for said acting.
*Gays, Jack Kevorkian, Jane Fonda, and atheism – it sure was a big night for all my fellow liberal pinko coast-dwelling elitists
*Congrats Social Network - well deserved. As Ricky Gervais said, justice prevails. And it’s nice that my favorite movie of the year is the Best Picture frontrunner for a change. I could get used to this.
*Lastly, now that the Big 8 categories other than Best Supporting Actress and Best Original Screenplay have been locked in, the next six weeks are about figuring out the nominees, bitching about the impending Winters Bone snub, giving the front runners time to work on their speeches, and writing jokes about James Franco and facebook. Fredtheonlinejournal likes this.
