Yes, the Grammys are a dumb pointless out-of-touch awards show, but they're also a fantastic night for televised live music performances. It's always my favorite TV watching night of the year, and this year was no exception. So who cares who won or lost, let's run through what really matters - each of the performances in order:
Taylor Swift
You know what’s NOT out of the woods? Taylor Swift’s singing ability. But at least she was able to come up with a great concept for the performance - singing "Out of the Woods" while literally emerging from a darkened area full of trees. I mean, where does she come up with this stuff???
Well, the good thing about being Taylor Swift at The Grammys is you know there's always next year.
Sam Hunt & Carrie Underwood
Close your eyes and imagine how a person named Sam Hunt would dress for their Grammy performance. Now open them - you were exactly right!
Speaking of appearances, interesting to see that country music dealt with losing Taylor Swift by making Carrie Underwood look just like her. “Maybe no one will notice it's a different person!”
Anyway, totally unmemorable performance by Country Music Ken and Barbie.
The Weeknd
You know who would absolutely hate The Weeknd’s 2016 Grammy performance? 2012 The Weeknd.
Before performing a serious stripped down ballad at the Grammys, it's always important to ask yourself “Am I Adele?” If the answer is no then do something else. In The Weeknd’s case maybe try doing one of the songs that got you here and represent what you do best. Or, ya know, the exact opposite of that.
Andrea Day & Ellie Goulding
“Hey, I know, let’s follow a guy standing around singing an unmemorable ballad in an unmemorable way with two women doing the exact same thing! That’ll be a real Grammy Moment!”
I fell asleep at some point so I missed the exact name of that song, but I’m pretty sure it was called “Polite Applause”.
Lionel Ritchie tribute
Wow an overly-long, bland, inoffensive Lionel Ritchie tribute - or as it's known on CBS, Monday night.
A few other thoughts:
-If the Grammys aesthetic could be distilled down to a single person, that person would be John Legend.
-Holy shit, Demi Lovato isn't Vanessa Hudgens! Who knew?
-Luke Bryan honoring Lionel Ritchie is one of those ideas that sounds ridiculous in theory, but is also ridiculous in practice.
-They would have let Luke Bryan sing longer but they didn't want his cruise ship to leave without him.
Little Big Town
"Hey look, country music can be just as boring as stuffy as “real” music!"
Everything you need to know about country music is that there's a big division in the industry between people who think "Girl Crush" is controversial and people who think it's clever, when in fact it's not remotely either. I do however like Little Big Town’s follow-up single, “He Gets It In The Butt” about the dangers of cigarette smoking.
The Eagles
Wait, which one of these people died again? Jackson Browne?
Nice performance by wax sculpture versions of the Eagles, but maybe next time program them to take it little less easy. Pretty sure they took that “I’m standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona” line a bit too literally this time. But it did wind up being a great PSA for prescription sleep-aid abuse. So that's nice.
Tori Kelly & James Bay
“Shhh, we don’t want to wake up The Eagles…”
Hamilton
HAMILTON HAMILTON HAMILTON! IN CASE OF HAMILTON PLEASE BREAK GLASS!!!
YES THE SONG WAS SLOWED DOWN TOO MUCH, AND YES EVERYONE LOOKED SLIGHTLY NERVOUS, AND YES “MY SHOT” AND “SCHUYLER SISTERS” ARE BETTER AWARDS SHOW SONGS BUT THEY’RE SAVING THEM FOR THE TONYS, BUT WHO CARES, HOLY SHIT IT’S HAMILTON!
As a theater person through and through I never thought I would see the day that a pop music awards show would be desperate to steal some of musical theater’s mojo, yet here we are. It’s a real shame the cast recording wasn't nominated for Album of the Year, but still, Lin-Miranda got contemporary musical theater onto the Grammy telecast. How lucky were are to be alive right now.
And now, in the immortal words of The Beastie Boys, no sleep til The Tony Awards.
Kendrick Lamar
THAT is why I tune into this ridiculous award show every year. Because every once in awhile something singular and visionary and incredible like that will slip through the cracks. And when it does, it feels like magic. It feels like an event. Like one of those “Moments” that the Grammys are so obsessed with talking about. But the lesson here is, as always, instead of trying to force a big Moment or manufacture them by committee, you just have to give an incredible artist with something to say the resources and space to execute their vision, and then get out of the way.
No one loves Kanye West more than me, but I really hope he was watching Kendrick because he could really learn something from that performance. We all could. The rest of the Grammys was entertainment; Kendrick made art.
Adele
There’s apparently no truth to the rumor that Taylor Swift was in charge of the audio for Adele’s performance. But even with all the sound issues, it's amazing that Adele was able to take the exact thing that has been so boring all night - people standing motionless singing overly-serious stripped-down ballads - and make it utterly captivating.
Also, do you think Adele already has her 2017 speech ready? If I were her I would just keep some spare acceptance speeches in my purse at all times - never know when you might need one.
Justin Bieber
I think I kinda…really liked that? Making a song overly serious and epic at the Grammys actually really worked for once. Is Jack U the new U2? Is Justin Bieber our new Bono? What world is this?
David Bowie tribute
Great performance by David Bowie’s Wikipedia Page!
On the one hand, if the Grammys had just said “Ladies and Gentlemen: Lady Gaga” and stopped right there, that would have been the best David Bowie tribute they could have possibly done. But on the other hand, at least they can now be sure that David Bowie is actually dead, because if he wasn't before, that tribute definitely killed him.
BB King tribute
Now THAT is how you pay tribute to someone. I want to buy music from every single person involved in that.
Chris Stapleton paying tribute to BB King is one of those ideas that sounds ridiculous in theory, but is actually awesome in practice. And man, Bonnie Raitt, that was some Melissa Etheridge/Janis Joplin-tribute level shit right there.
Well done all around!
Alabama Shakes
Man, Brittany Howard, that was some Melissa Etheridge/Janis Joplin-tribute level shit right there!
Excited that in Alabama Shakes, The Grammys have finally found their new Foo Fighters. I would listen to Brittany Howard sing literally anything.
Hollywood Vampires
“It’s music’s biggest night! We’re here to honor the very best in music! Now here’s a performance by Johnny Depp’s vanity band!”
That was offensive to me, but for absolutely none off the reasons The Hollywood Vampires wanted it to be. I mean I know Alice Cooper wanted some stage time to work on his Johnny Depp impression, but it would have been so much easier for them to just crash two small trains together and get it over with.
Pitbull
I have a lot of questions including: What? Why? Who? and How?
Remember the year that Arcade Fire won Album of the Year and then celebrated by playing another song to close the show? Serious question: why does that not happen every year? Just tell the five nominees to have a second song ready to go in case they win and then that song would close the show every year. It would be a cool tradition, and keep viewers tuned in til the very end. It's a perfect idea, which means instead, Pitbull will close the show every year form here on out. Which leads me to close this with the official motto of the Grammys: “Ugh”
