There’s nothing quite as good as being an Oscar winner, but being an Oscar nominee comes close. If you never wind up winning an Oscar then at least you will get to be advertised as Oscar Nominee (Your Name Here) in all upcoming movie trailers and in your obituary. Plus you get to join such illustrious company as Queen Latifah, Rosie Perez, Eric Roberts, and Maria Ouspenskaya. You can overnight go from crappy/unknown actor to crappy/unknown actor with an Oscar nomination. It’s amazing really. Plus I hear the nominee luncheon is pretty bitchin’. And now we have a whole new crop of people who can add the illustrious title of Oscar Nominee to the front of their name and enjoy some pretty awesome free food. Good for them.
Before I share my thoughts though, I must first address one of my pet peeves. You can’t really be upset about someone not getting nominated if they were never even being considered. For example, I’m sure everyone will bitch about the omission of Eternal Sunshine but the old codgers that do the nominating were NEVER going to nominate it. It never had a prayer and everyone who knew anything knew this coming into today. So therefore it should be neither shocking nor outraging. If you want to be angry about Paul Giamatti that’s one thing, but being angry about Mark Wahlberg in I Heart Huckabees is uncouth and just makes you look stupid no matter how much in an ideal world he should have been nominated. But this isn’t an ideal world. It’s not run by me. It’s run by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. So deal with it. And now, without further adieu I present my thoughts on this year’s nominees, which considering what was being considered, are actually pretty good.
*Memo to the national news media: For the last time, Passion of the Christ AKA “Mel” and Fahrenheit 9/11 AKA “Moore” didn’t get “snubbed”, they just didn’t get nominated. In order for it to be a “snub” it have to have been considered in the first place, and no one this side of Idiotville ever thought either had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting anywhere near Oscar. Just because they were the highest profile movies of the year doesn’t mean they were ever being considered for Best Picture. I don’t remember anyone back in the day talking about how Armageddon or Men in Black got “snubbed”. They just didn’t get nominated. And the only reason Fahrenheit isn’t up for Best Documentary is because Michael Moore DIDN’T SUBMIT IT. It can’t be a “snub” if the director didn’t even bother to fill out the requisite paperwork. But then again I guess asking people to actually do a little research and have all the information before getting mad and crying “snub” would be too much to ask….
Okay I’m done.
For now.
*The Queen Latifah Memorial Worst Acting Nominee Award:
Natalie Portman for Best Supporting Actress- I know that any award that both Anna Paquin and Whoopi Goldberg have won isn’t like an actual valid award, but still, Natalie Portman in Closer? Really? Come on now, be honest, don’t you halfway suspect she didn’t actually memorize her lines for that movie and was merely reading them off large off-camera index cards? I mean that’s what it sure sounded like. Sure yes, she played a stripper and all, and yes, Natalie Portman playing a stripper does deserve some kind of award, but not an Oscar. A Blockbuster Entertainment Award maybe. Ah what the hell, the Oscars nominated Kathy Bates one year just for getting naked so why does it matter. And its not like her nomination really hurt anyone major. As they always say, “its all fun and games until someone gets snubbed”…
*…Alan Alda on the other hand…Okay maybe I was picking popcorn kernels out of my clothes and missed it, but he was even IN The Aviator? This was news to me. What isn’t news to me though is that Freddie Highmore from Finding Neverland WAS FREAKING AWESOME! I mean in past years Anna Paquin and Tatum O’Neal WON and this kid cant even get invited to the show? Explain. I mean Freddie was the man. Or I guess in this case, the boy. But whatever. I don’t think I would be exaggerating if I said it was the best performance by a child actor ever. I mean who has been better? And don’t gimme this Haley Joel Osmond stuff or I’ll hit you so hard so that he’ll be the only one who can see you if you know what I mean. Freddie is probably home crying right now and he’s probably doing a better job of it than anyone else could have done. Even that cry baby Imelda Staunton. (Inside joke there for the five people who saw Vera Drake…). Anyway I hope you nominator people are happy with yourselves. Maybe if Alan Alda dies before the ceremony Freddie can go in his place. I’ll have to get on that.
*Speaking of death: Clint Eastwood. For Best Actor? I think some people might have gotten a little carried away with their love for Million Dollar Baby. Eastwood cried. Great, give him a cookie. Not an Oscar. Although I can see how you might confuse the two. Of course what was not confusing was that Paul Giamatti was brilliant. And if he can’t get a nomination for Sideways then he never will. He should start a “The Academy Officially Hates Us” club with Jim Carrey and Steve Martin. Paul Giamatti not getting nominated for Best Actor is what we call a “snub”, boys and girls. And while we are talking about people beating out Paul Giamatti, may we also mention Don Cheadle and his ever-raising eyebrows? Seriously dude, get a sedative for those suckers. They make Jack Nicholson’s eyebrows seem immobile and underused by comparison. Might I also mention Johnny Depp, who in Finding Neverland takes understatement to whole new level? He was so understated in fact, that he made no statement at all. But I guess the black guy and the hot rebel white guy beat out the nerdy ugly guy and the Hispanic guy in the foreign language film (Javier Bardem) every time, so whatcha gonna do?
*That last entry was a little too similar structurally to the previous one. I apologize for that. It won’t happen again.
*In a development absolutely no one cares about besides me, how did Collateral not get nominated for best Cinematography? How the hell did this happen? And yes I am actually seriously upset about this. You should just feel lucky I restrained from making any Gordon Willis references. Okay I need a life…
*I really don’t know what to say about the Best Foreign Language Nominating process without using over 5,000 words, and since no one wants to read that much lemme just say this: Any year that produces The Sea Inside, A Very Long Engagement, Bad Education, Motorcycle Diaries, Maria Full of Grace and, to a much lesser degree, House of Flying Daggers, and winds up with its Foreign Film nominees including only ONE of those and then four films no one has heard of (well expect for that French Mr. Holland’s Opus knockoff) is a year that needs to be the impetus for the long overdue overhaul of the Foreign Film committee. But since the documentary committee only started to show signs of life about 15 years after the fact, suffice it to say I’m not holding out hope…
*The Chocolat Memorial Worst Best Picture Nominee Award
Ray- Jamie Foxx is great in it. It is thoroughly entertaining. It has so much universal appeal that even my Dad liked it. But it looks like it was edited by someone who simply read “Editing for Dummys” and then started splicing film together. And the ending was so clearly tacked on and unnecessary it screamed out “test screening mandated”. And the direction was pedestrian at best. And the whole thing seemed rather bland. And even my Dad liked it.
(Also: Is it a coincidence that its director, Best Director Nominee Taylor Hackford, has the word “Hack” in his name? I think not…)
*So Mick Jagger WINS the Golden Globe for best song and then doesn’t even get NOMINATED for an Oscar? Huh? Well I guess since not a single song from A Hard Day’s Night or Saturday Night Fever got nominated that’s about par for the course.
*Just as a public service announcement I think I should say that in case you haven’t seen Million Dollar Baby or are an idiot and waked out at some point in the first hour, it is not actually a boxing movie. Or a sports movie for that matter. Or about a wise black man helping people. Or anything that is even vaguely alluded to in the trailer. To find out what it IS about you have to, and I know this will sound crazy, WATCH THE WHOLE THING. Crazy concept…
*Since Tupac:Resurrection got nominated for Best Documentary I think the biggest suspense of Oscar night will be: what will Tupac be wearing? I only hope it wins because I bet his acceptance speech will be awesome!
*Well, other than the above-mentioned stuff I think the nominations were pretty much exactly what everyone predicted and a pretty good lot, considering that this is the worst year for Oscar worthy movies since 1996. So Ill be back soon with my Oscar Predictions and more banal rambling annoyances. Be there.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Europe
2.) Rilo Kiley- "Portions for Foxes"
3.) "Will in the World" by Stephen Greenblatt
3 & 1/2.) Snow
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Monday, January 17, 2005
Golden Globes '05
So in interest of full disclosure I don’t have all that much of a rooting interest in this year’s round of movie awards. Usually I get very passionate about them but I know that this year its going to ultimately come down to Aviator vs. Million Dollar Baby, two movies I both liked alright, but neither that I care that much about one way or the other. I do have some favorites in the other categories but I’ll get into that more come Oscar time. First up though, is round one: The Golden Globes. It’s almost as fun as the Oscar except for the fact it doesn’t have a host or a montage of dead people. And less non-actors giving awkward speeches. And no short film nominees. Well actually, it doesn’t compare at all. But still, it’s famous people drinking heavily and then getting awards on live TV so it does have its appeal. And to share in the appeal with me this year were Carlyn, and via phone, one Ms. Maddox. And below are my…okay, okay, OUR…thoughts.
- “William Shatner”
- What is that thing on the back of Jamie Foxx’s head? A hideous looking tattoo? Get that thing off before the Oscars my man. And speaking of tattoos, Virginia Madsen, I love you dear, but that little arm tattoo makes you look like a two-bit prostitute. Now that you are a serious Oscar nominated actress you might want to get some laser work done. And yes I just used the pharse "two-bit prostitute".
- So as I was watching Natalie’s acceptance speech I thought, “That is what a Harvard education gets you?” I think I’ve heard more articulate usage of language in the Center for Student Services. Plus, why the heck did she win?!? Has there ever been a less deserving winner? Well okay Madonna did win Best Actress once, but that question was intended to be rhetorical. All I can figure in this case was that the male voters thought maybe if they gave her an award she would have sex with them. And that she would call them daddy. Cause that seems to be her thing. Natalie we all expected better from you…
(PS- Please no one give Natalie the link to this thing. She might break up with me over that last entry…)
-“William Shatner”
-Javier Bardem looks like Harry Conick Jr. if Harry Conick Jr. looked like Tony Danza.
-It has to be said so Ill be the one to say it. Hillary Swank looks like a horse. There I said it. Now I’m going to straight to hell. I don’t even get to pass Go and collect my $200.
-Now that I’m already damned to hell and I’ve got nothing left to lose I might as well say this too: No wonder the Desperate Housewives are so desperate; if I looked like them Id be pretty desperate too. Especially if I was the scary looking one.
-Speaking of Desperate Housewives: Terri Hatcher now has an award! And it’s not even a Blockbuster Entertainment Award! It’s like a valid award! It was gold and everything! Wow, I didn’t even know Radio Shack made trophies like that. The best part about her winning though had to be this line from her speech:
“You wrote me such a great part where I get to be locked out of my house naked”
I think Meryl Streep once said that exact sentence…
-“William Shatner”
- I think I speak for us all when I say: Clint Eastwood has a 16 year old daughter?!?!?
-The Golden Globes were brought to you by Diet Dr. Pepper, which, apparently, “tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper”. This has to be one of the biggest myths currently being perpetrated on the American public. In no way does Diet Dr. Pepper taste anything like regular Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper tastes like a good soft drink. DIET Dr. Pepper tastes like Satan pissed in a cup and then made you drink it. There is a difference between the two.
-It’s awards season so you know what that means: the return of the mysterious unnamed fat guy who always sits next to Renee Zellweger. Seriously, who is that guy?
-My new rules for acceptance speeches: If you win an award for a comedic performance or are known to be a funny person then you have to be funny in your speech. Or at least make the attempt. If not, you have to cry. There are no other options. Under no circumstances shall you read and/or recite a list of names. Also, if you are presenting an award, you must wear an eye patch. This is non-negotiable.
-Someone from one of the Law and Orders won an acting award? Is that allowed?
-“William Shatner”
-While discussing Angelica Huston:
Carlyn: “She has an ugly dress on.”
Me: “She has an ugly face on.”
-More Carlyn:
(While looking at Robert Redford): “He’s melting”
-Even more Carlyn:
“Ian McShane (the scary guy from Deadwood) looks like Al Pacino ate him and then regurgitated him”
-Last one I swear:
Jamie Foxx thanking Taylor Hackford: “He’s my best director”
Carlyn: “Wow, he beat out Keenen Ivory Wayans”
And without further ado…
Top 3 & 1/2 Moments of the Golden Globes-
1a.) Jamie Foxx’s speech: Now THAT is how it’s done. The PERFECT speech. Humorous, genuine, heartfelt, excited, commanding, and even some tears at the end. Absolutely perfect. Now why can’t all acceptance speeches be like that? Come folks, all of you are actors, I know you can do it. Yes, I’m talking about you Annette Bening.
1b.) When Jamie Foxx won and they showed the reaction of every black person in the audience. Even Prince. And he’s not really even black. Speaking of which, remember that time Halle Berry won an Oscar? How the fuck did THAT ever happen?
2.) Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance! I honestly wait all year for it, and she never disappoints. While nothing will ever top last year, this year was great fun too. Seriously, I don’t know if I can express in words how much joy drunken Meryl Streep brings into my life. Too much.
3.) Robin Williams’ speech: They should actually just do a show where Robin Williams just talks for 3 hours straight. No other awards, just Robin Williams talking. Wait, they did? It's called Good Morning Vietnam? It’s called his HBO stand up specials? And his Inside the Actors Studio appearance? Wow, I’ll have to get my hands on those. My only quibble (and its not his fault): in his clip retrospective they mention Patch Adams and Popeye and not Awakenings? WTF mate?
3 & 1/2.) Usher and Lisa Marie Presley: At first when I saw Usher in attendance I thought maybe he was there because they were going to honor his work in She’s All That several years after the fact. Maybe they just now got around to watching the DVD and wanted to give him a special award even though it’s a few years too late. But then he came out on stage with Lisa Marie and I saw sadly that was not the case. No, he was there to make Lisa Marie seem personable and lively by comparison. But then again my Grandma could do that. And she’s dead.
4.) And oh yeah: “William Shatner”
- “William Shatner”
- What is that thing on the back of Jamie Foxx’s head? A hideous looking tattoo? Get that thing off before the Oscars my man. And speaking of tattoos, Virginia Madsen, I love you dear, but that little arm tattoo makes you look like a two-bit prostitute. Now that you are a serious Oscar nominated actress you might want to get some laser work done. And yes I just used the pharse "two-bit prostitute".
- So as I was watching Natalie’s acceptance speech I thought, “That is what a Harvard education gets you?” I think I’ve heard more articulate usage of language in the Center for Student Services. Plus, why the heck did she win?!? Has there ever been a less deserving winner? Well okay Madonna did win Best Actress once, but that question was intended to be rhetorical. All I can figure in this case was that the male voters thought maybe if they gave her an award she would have sex with them. And that she would call them daddy. Cause that seems to be her thing. Natalie we all expected better from you…
(PS- Please no one give Natalie the link to this thing. She might break up with me over that last entry…)
-“William Shatner”
-Javier Bardem looks like Harry Conick Jr. if Harry Conick Jr. looked like Tony Danza.
-It has to be said so Ill be the one to say it. Hillary Swank looks like a horse. There I said it. Now I’m going to straight to hell. I don’t even get to pass Go and collect my $200.
-Now that I’m already damned to hell and I’ve got nothing left to lose I might as well say this too: No wonder the Desperate Housewives are so desperate; if I looked like them Id be pretty desperate too. Especially if I was the scary looking one.
-Speaking of Desperate Housewives: Terri Hatcher now has an award! And it’s not even a Blockbuster Entertainment Award! It’s like a valid award! It was gold and everything! Wow, I didn’t even know Radio Shack made trophies like that. The best part about her winning though had to be this line from her speech:
“You wrote me such a great part where I get to be locked out of my house naked”
I think Meryl Streep once said that exact sentence…
-“William Shatner”
- I think I speak for us all when I say: Clint Eastwood has a 16 year old daughter?!?!?
-The Golden Globes were brought to you by Diet Dr. Pepper, which, apparently, “tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper”. This has to be one of the biggest myths currently being perpetrated on the American public. In no way does Diet Dr. Pepper taste anything like regular Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper tastes like a good soft drink. DIET Dr. Pepper tastes like Satan pissed in a cup and then made you drink it. There is a difference between the two.
-It’s awards season so you know what that means: the return of the mysterious unnamed fat guy who always sits next to Renee Zellweger. Seriously, who is that guy?
-My new rules for acceptance speeches: If you win an award for a comedic performance or are known to be a funny person then you have to be funny in your speech. Or at least make the attempt. If not, you have to cry. There are no other options. Under no circumstances shall you read and/or recite a list of names. Also, if you are presenting an award, you must wear an eye patch. This is non-negotiable.
-Someone from one of the Law and Orders won an acting award? Is that allowed?
-“William Shatner”
-While discussing Angelica Huston:
Carlyn: “She has an ugly dress on.”
Me: “She has an ugly face on.”
-More Carlyn:
(While looking at Robert Redford): “He’s melting”
-Even more Carlyn:
“Ian McShane (the scary guy from Deadwood) looks like Al Pacino ate him and then regurgitated him”
-Last one I swear:
Jamie Foxx thanking Taylor Hackford: “He’s my best director”
Carlyn: “Wow, he beat out Keenen Ivory Wayans”
And without further ado…
Top 3 & 1/2 Moments of the Golden Globes-
1a.) Jamie Foxx’s speech: Now THAT is how it’s done. The PERFECT speech. Humorous, genuine, heartfelt, excited, commanding, and even some tears at the end. Absolutely perfect. Now why can’t all acceptance speeches be like that? Come folks, all of you are actors, I know you can do it. Yes, I’m talking about you Annette Bening.
1b.) When Jamie Foxx won and they showed the reaction of every black person in the audience. Even Prince. And he’s not really even black. Speaking of which, remember that time Halle Berry won an Oscar? How the fuck did THAT ever happen?
2.) Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance! I honestly wait all year for it, and she never disappoints. While nothing will ever top last year, this year was great fun too. Seriously, I don’t know if I can express in words how much joy drunken Meryl Streep brings into my life. Too much.
3.) Robin Williams’ speech: They should actually just do a show where Robin Williams just talks for 3 hours straight. No other awards, just Robin Williams talking. Wait, they did? It's called Good Morning Vietnam? It’s called his HBO stand up specials? And his Inside the Actors Studio appearance? Wow, I’ll have to get my hands on those. My only quibble (and its not his fault): in his clip retrospective they mention Patch Adams and Popeye and not Awakenings? WTF mate?
3 & 1/2.) Usher and Lisa Marie Presley: At first when I saw Usher in attendance I thought maybe he was there because they were going to honor his work in She’s All That several years after the fact. Maybe they just now got around to watching the DVD and wanted to give him a special award even though it’s a few years too late. But then he came out on stage with Lisa Marie and I saw sadly that was not the case. No, he was there to make Lisa Marie seem personable and lively by comparison. But then again my Grandma could do that. And she’s dead.
4.) And oh yeah: “William Shatner”
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
The Andys
Well now that the holiday season is over, it's time for the REAL Christmas season to begin. And I don't say that just because it's the return of Fred the Online Journal (although Fred is the present that just keeps on giving). No, I say that because now it's awards season. In the next month or so we will have the Golden Globes, the Grammys, the Oscar nominations announcement, and then of course, the REAL Christmas, the Oscars themselves. Because who cares about a season celebrating some spiritual being who will give us forgiveness for all our sins and eternal love and life, when we can watch famous people hand each other shiny trophies? Plus with Meryl Streep nominated for Best Supporting Actress at the Globes there's a good chance we might even get to see another Meryl Streep drunken awards show appearance which is always the highlight of any year. You see, Oscar season is what life is all about. Now sure there are other award shows out there throughout the year such as the Emmys, the AMAs, and the dreaded People's Choice Awards which always make me have thoughts such as "who are these 'people' they speak of?" and "maybe genocide wouldn't be such a bad thing". But of course those awards shows are not valid. They suck. Unlike the awards shows I like. Which are good. So for the next month or so Fred here will be devoted entirely to awards related musings, opinions, and reactions. So while you are out having a life and being productive, I will be here chronicling every minute detail of how the fuck a guy named Usher who once appeared in the movie She's All That is now nominated for multiple Grammys. And I will spend hundreds of words doing it. It will be my crowning achievement of irrelevance. So to prepare you for the upcoming onslaught of banality, I have prepared my first awards related entry of the season: My coverage of my own personal awards. You can call them the Andys.
Top 3 & 1/2 Movies of the Year
1.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:
I'll try not to say too much about any of these movies because with all the awards show stuff coming up I'll have plenty of other times to go into more detailed opnions about the movies mentioned here. But for the time being I will say a few brief things: The only thing better than Charlie Kaufman is Charlie Kaufman with heart. And the only thing better than Charlie Kaufman with heart is Jim Carrey playing Charlie Kaufman with heart. And the only thing better than Jim Carrey playing Charlie Kaufman with heart is nothing. I really don't need to sell you on this point because it was your favorite movie of the year too. Moving on...
2.) Before Sunset:
Before Sunset on the other hand, you probably never saw. All I can say is go rent it NOW. Actually now is too late. Build a time machine and go back and time and rent it yesterday. Because any day spent without having seen this movie is a day that life is less fulfilling than it should be. Like most great movies, Before Sunset presents an idealized, fantasy version of life, yet one that is at the same time so real that you feel like you are watching real life on screen. And not just any life, but a life you know. Or a life you want to know. And not in a Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks way but in a way that is utterly real. This movie is why we go to movies. And how many movies could inspire that statement using only two people talking and walking around Paris for close to an hour and a half and nothing else? Only one. Before Sunset. It's the movie few people would have the balls to make. There is no real plot, nothing really happens and it ends with, well maybe the greatest ending to any movie ever, but yet one that wraps nothing up. Yet who needs any of that stuff when you have dialogue, characters, and a relationship this good? The most physically intimate the two characters ever get is a long hug but yet it's the most sexual, passionate, and unabashedly romantic non-Cameron Crowe movie I've seen in, maybe forever. And it does it all with words and with an innate connection between people. This is what love and life are all about. I could talk about it forever but just go see it already. It maybe the ultimate movie-as-life-as-movie and it is for sure THE romance for our times. You'll laugh, you'll think, you'll dream, you'll consider crying (pansy), and before you know it you'll have memorized every line. I just want to yell it from the rooftops: GO RENT THIS FUCKING MOVIE!
3.) Sideways:
I think the wine industry and Alexander Payne are in cahoots. I also think I just actually used the word "cahoots". Regardless, in 20 years from now as I lie in the gutter clutching my last bottle of Pinot Noir wondering what happened to my life I'll have this movie to blame. Apparently wanting to be in a constant state of drunkenness can lead to a touching romance and a great film of the highest artistic merit. Good. Just the sort of validation my life needed...
3 & 1/2.) Hero:
The most beautiful LOOKING movie of the year, and maybe ever. I honestly can't think of anything that's ever been more visually stunning. Yet due to the ridiculously archaic Academy rules regarding foreign films, it likely won't be able to be up for any Oscars of any kind. The other cinematographers of the world must be thrilled by that fact. Because the look of this film would not have been overlooked by voters. There would be no way. It's burned permanently into their brains. Thinking back, I couldn't tell you exactly what happened in this movie, but I could tell you exactly how whatever was happening looked. American filmmakers: watch and learn. As with many things, the Asians can teach you a thing or ten.
Top 3 & 1/2 Albums of the Year
1.) Green Day- American Idiot:
Remember when "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" was your senior class song and you thought "how the heck is this song by Green Day? Didn't they once release a video that consisted of them ripping the stuffing out of sofa cushions?" Well every song on this album makes "Good Riddance" seem like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in terms of quality and artistic merit. Sometimes my brain hurts it's so good. Its one of those albums where I'll always remember the first time I heard it. Greg Fusco put it on in the dressing room during Arcadia and we were all somewhat half listening, but more trying on tights and insulting each other in British accents. (And who said theater majors weren't cool?) Slowly it started capturing my attention until I stopped what I was doing and just sat there and listened. Every night after that I couldn't wait to get backstage and listen. During Game 3 of the Red Sox-Yankees series I even wanted to turn off the game to listen to the album. Music that makes we want to turn off baseball: That should say all you need to know. Two nine minute long multi-part "punk" songs. Blatant anti-Bush messages. Some semblance of a story and thru-line throughout the album. It's genius. It's gotten a lot of comparisons to the rock operas of The Who, but I think that slights Green Day somewhat. I mean a story about deaf, dumb and blind kid who plays a mean pinball vs. a story about the nature of our society. Hmm, it's a toss up...
In the end it's hard to believe that the album that best defines 2004 was written by a band that is most famous for an album called "Dookie". Then again maybe not...Regardless, even the Grammy voters agree: it's a classic album. And maybe the only one from 2004 that my grandkids will still be listening to.
2.) Brian Wilson- "SMiLE":
If I said, "hey check out this new album by the former lead singer of the Beach Boys that includes an ode to vegetables on it", you'd probably throw it in the trash. But if I said, "hey this is what Radiohead would have sounded like if they had been around in the 60's and were the chief artistic rival of Paul McCartney", then you would be interested. Well, guess what? I would be talking about the same album! Crazy, I know. If you don't believe me, then take it from my good friend Mr. Will Lacker who when discussing SMiLE said, (and I'm heavily paraphrasing) "That is some weird shit!" Okay settle down now and let me finish...For those that don't know the story, this was supposed to be the follow up to "Pet Sounds" 37 years ago but the other Beach Boys thought it was too weird, then the Beatles beat them to the punch with "Sgt. Pepper", then Brian Wilson went insane. He then had to spend the next few years in the looney bin, as they called it back then. (That and "the cuckoos nest" apparently.) Well now he's out and roaming the streets and finally releasing his "teenage symphony to God" 37 years later. When they say they don't make 'em like they used to, listen to this album and you'll see that "they" are right. You could never release a "teenage symphony to God" today. Or a love song about vegetables for that matter. The only teenage symphonies these days are "teenage symphonies to crap". (Damn, I'm clever...). SMiLE, despite its capitalization problems, was the best-reviewed album of the year, but still, it's a shame it couldn't have been released 37 years ago. Then it would now be a classic instead of a little heard oddity. At the time it would have seemed ahead of its time, and in retrospect I don't know if its time has, or will, ever come. It's an album that doesn't really have one great or memorable stand-alone song on it, but absolutely must be taken as a whole. But as a "whole album as artistic statement" it might be the best there is. And not to say it's better than "Sergeant Pepper", but it is a better "concept album", since, lets face it, Sgt. Pepper really has no concept. And it even has "Good Vibrations" to serve as its "Day in the Life"- a classic single that has nothing to do with the rest of the album yet closes it off perfectly. And it also contains songs about Plymouth Rock and, I can't possibly stress this strongly enough, a LOVE SONG ABOUT VEGTABLES! I'd like to hear someone today try and pull that off. But since I doubt anyone can I'm going to have to give Brian Wilson his props. The second best album of 1967 is now the second best album of 2004.
3.) Modest Mouse- Good News for People Who Love Bad News:
There are certain works of music that whenever you hear them they instantly take you back to a specific place and time. Like "Gangstas Paradise" by Coolio. Or "C is for Cookie" by Cookie Monster. Well this whole album will always undoubtedly remind me of this summer. And that's good news. And now that I actually own it myself I can relive summer whenever I want. As a side note: I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I can hear "Ocean Breathes Salty" now at a Hallmark store or not, but it certainly does give me some kind of hope for the future. Then I remember that the biggest hit of the year was by Usher and some guy named Lil' John who likes to carry around an oversized gold chalice out of which he drinks "Crunk Juice". And then I go sit in the corner and cry.
3 & 1/2.) Kanye West- College Dropout:
When I bought this album the girl checking me out at Best Buy started excitedly telling me how great and hilarious the skits on the album were. I was shocked. A cashier in New York City was actually talking to me. Even more shockingly, someone was actually excited about having a conversation with me. (She must not have known about the journal...) But the most shocking thing of all was that she was right. Not only did I not skip right past the skits, I actually listened to them multiple times! In fact once I even skipped past a song to hear a skit! And then of course the earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. But its true, Kanye is the best thing to happen to rap skits since The Mad Rapper. Even more importantly than that, he's the best thing to happen to rap since at least mid-2003. I was going to put this album in this spot before I even heard it just based on "Jesus Walks" and "All Falls Down", but now that I've actually heard the album I can confidentially say it's the best non-Outkast or Eminem rap album of the millennium. All four years of it. Kanye is just that good. Not only did he pen the immortal line "The way Kathy Lee needed Regis/That's the way I need Jesus" but he also made me enjoy listening to a Brandy song. That's right; Brandy. Freaking MOESHA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
(I actually have no idea what that saying means but it just sounds cool.)
(Word.)
Top 3 & 1/2 Best Things to Happen to Marymount This Year
1.) Thefacebook.com:
Friendster is the devil. I will never join MySpace. Yet, I am addicted to facebook. It is the best thing that has ever happened to Marymount. Now I could take up a whole journal entry to explain the reasoning behind this, as well as to expound on many other thoughts about facebook, and if you're not careful I just might, but for the time being I will just share a few brief thoughts on the matter. Now I know I'm a little late in commenting on the facebook phenomenon. I know its like so last month's news. But it was either this or my analysis of "The Macarena" so be grateful. By now we all know the basic reasons why facebook is great. It is like having a yearbook, so we now know who people are. It makes us feel popular. We can start out own club without actually having to get a faculty sponsor. But why I like facebook and not any of those other online community things comes down to one simple fact: The Friendsters of the world are designed to get you to meet new people, whereas facebook is designed to get you to meet people you already know. No crazy stalkers. No people from high school tracking you down and finding out what you are up to unless you want them to. Plus when my mom said, "don't talk to strangers" I really took it to heart. I don't like new people. And I don't like old people either. I just like you. Now be my friend damn it.
2.) The homemade potato chips in the 4th and Main Cafe:
If someone told me they killed a man I would think they were a bad person. If they told me they killed that man because he tried to steal one of their homemade chips, I would not think they were a bad person anymore. I would understand. That sandwich dude may mumble incoherently, but as long as he hooks a brother up with some chips its all good and his life is secure. After all, the sandwich is only a mere appetizer you have to put up with to get to the chips. But once you get to them, all is right with the world.
3.) The Vanderbilt:
All the fun of 55th Street (what fun?) with twice the drinking (for those who are over 21 only of course). And four times the crazy foreign people yelling at you in the hallway. It's just like my childhood really. Plus, the only thing better than having a roommate is not having a roommate.
3 & 1/2.) The 8th Floor Space:
Well see it's this big open space where we used to have a pool. What's it used for you ask? Well nothing really. We just throw a bunch up beat up old crap in there and let the kids have fun. Plus now we have a scary face on one wall. And the other walls have paint from 1963. But other than that its just filled with a bunch of worthless crap. A big ugly room filled with worthless crap. Its ideas like this that make me proud to go to Marymount and make giving tours so much fun.
Top 3 & 1/2 Other 2004 Highlights Id Like to Mention But Don't Really Fit in a Category:
1.) America the Book- Jon Stewart and Company:
Like Ellen and Jerry Seinfeld it makes you laugh because it's so true. But instead of being about "nothing" its about politics, history and the nature of our society. So the edge, as always, goes to Jon Stewart. Seriously this man is God. He makes comedy that's as important as it is funny. A trick that has NEVER before been pulled off. But here is a comedian who can literally change the world. And I have proof to back that up: I saw the other day that Carlton Tucker was dismissed from CNN and that Crossfire is being taken off the air. That means that Jon Stewart is so cool, so respected and so powerful that with one single television appearance he single handedly got the biggest cable network in the world to cancel its signature show of the past 20 years and dismiss one of its most well known figures. Normally when you call someone a "dick" on live TV people criticize you. In Jon Stewart's case you get the head of the network you are criticizing to issue a statement that says, "I come down on the side of Mr. Stewart". Seriously, his Crossfire appearance was one of the best moments in TV history. And think: who else could pull a stunt off like that and not only come out unscathed but looking like a hero to literally everyone? If I've said it once I've said it five times. Jon Stewart is God. We're just lucky he lets us share this planet with him.
2.) Seth Cohen- the O.C.:
If I ruled the world, I'd free all my sons. And the character Seth Cohen would be considered the very definition of cool. Imagine that. And oh yeah...I don't actually watch the O.C. Someone just told me about it one time. Someone who was clearly a loser and needed to get a life.
3.) "Lean Back" by The Terror Squad:
First of all, I'd like to mention your name. It's "The Terror Squad". That is the name of your group. Just thought I should put that out there...Second of all: lemme get this straight, this dance consists entirely of leaning back? There are no other moves? That's the whole dance? You may have written one of the most annoying songs ever, but you have given me new hope! I might one day even enter a club. Although for your next song might I suggest "Stand There"? That would work even better for me.
3 & 1/2.) The Guinness TV commercials:
"Brilliant!"
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week- Thoughts I've Had Recently Edition
1.) "My junior high fashion sense was inspired by gang members" is a sentence that really applies to far too many of us
2.) Is two turntables and a microphone really where its at?
3.) Maybe Bono was right all along. He really is the messiah.
3 & 1/2.) "This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do, to tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know"*
*Note: I didn't actually have this thought. Usher did. But same difference
Top 3 & 1/2 Movies of the Year
1.) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind:
I'll try not to say too much about any of these movies because with all the awards show stuff coming up I'll have plenty of other times to go into more detailed opnions about the movies mentioned here. But for the time being I will say a few brief things: The only thing better than Charlie Kaufman is Charlie Kaufman with heart. And the only thing better than Charlie Kaufman with heart is Jim Carrey playing Charlie Kaufman with heart. And the only thing better than Jim Carrey playing Charlie Kaufman with heart is nothing. I really don't need to sell you on this point because it was your favorite movie of the year too. Moving on...
2.) Before Sunset:
Before Sunset on the other hand, you probably never saw. All I can say is go rent it NOW. Actually now is too late. Build a time machine and go back and time and rent it yesterday. Because any day spent without having seen this movie is a day that life is less fulfilling than it should be. Like most great movies, Before Sunset presents an idealized, fantasy version of life, yet one that is at the same time so real that you feel like you are watching real life on screen. And not just any life, but a life you know. Or a life you want to know. And not in a Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks way but in a way that is utterly real. This movie is why we go to movies. And how many movies could inspire that statement using only two people talking and walking around Paris for close to an hour and a half and nothing else? Only one. Before Sunset. It's the movie few people would have the balls to make. There is no real plot, nothing really happens and it ends with, well maybe the greatest ending to any movie ever, but yet one that wraps nothing up. Yet who needs any of that stuff when you have dialogue, characters, and a relationship this good? The most physically intimate the two characters ever get is a long hug but yet it's the most sexual, passionate, and unabashedly romantic non-Cameron Crowe movie I've seen in, maybe forever. And it does it all with words and with an innate connection between people. This is what love and life are all about. I could talk about it forever but just go see it already. It maybe the ultimate movie-as-life-as-movie and it is for sure THE romance for our times. You'll laugh, you'll think, you'll dream, you'll consider crying (pansy), and before you know it you'll have memorized every line. I just want to yell it from the rooftops: GO RENT THIS FUCKING MOVIE!
3.) Sideways:
I think the wine industry and Alexander Payne are in cahoots. I also think I just actually used the word "cahoots". Regardless, in 20 years from now as I lie in the gutter clutching my last bottle of Pinot Noir wondering what happened to my life I'll have this movie to blame. Apparently wanting to be in a constant state of drunkenness can lead to a touching romance and a great film of the highest artistic merit. Good. Just the sort of validation my life needed...
3 & 1/2.) Hero:
The most beautiful LOOKING movie of the year, and maybe ever. I honestly can't think of anything that's ever been more visually stunning. Yet due to the ridiculously archaic Academy rules regarding foreign films, it likely won't be able to be up for any Oscars of any kind. The other cinematographers of the world must be thrilled by that fact. Because the look of this film would not have been overlooked by voters. There would be no way. It's burned permanently into their brains. Thinking back, I couldn't tell you exactly what happened in this movie, but I could tell you exactly how whatever was happening looked. American filmmakers: watch and learn. As with many things, the Asians can teach you a thing or ten.
Top 3 & 1/2 Albums of the Year
1.) Green Day- American Idiot:
Remember when "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" was your senior class song and you thought "how the heck is this song by Green Day? Didn't they once release a video that consisted of them ripping the stuffing out of sofa cushions?" Well every song on this album makes "Good Riddance" seem like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in terms of quality and artistic merit. Sometimes my brain hurts it's so good. Its one of those albums where I'll always remember the first time I heard it. Greg Fusco put it on in the dressing room during Arcadia and we were all somewhat half listening, but more trying on tights and insulting each other in British accents. (And who said theater majors weren't cool?) Slowly it started capturing my attention until I stopped what I was doing and just sat there and listened. Every night after that I couldn't wait to get backstage and listen. During Game 3 of the Red Sox-Yankees series I even wanted to turn off the game to listen to the album. Music that makes we want to turn off baseball: That should say all you need to know. Two nine minute long multi-part "punk" songs. Blatant anti-Bush messages. Some semblance of a story and thru-line throughout the album. It's genius. It's gotten a lot of comparisons to the rock operas of The Who, but I think that slights Green Day somewhat. I mean a story about deaf, dumb and blind kid who plays a mean pinball vs. a story about the nature of our society. Hmm, it's a toss up...
In the end it's hard to believe that the album that best defines 2004 was written by a band that is most famous for an album called "Dookie". Then again maybe not...Regardless, even the Grammy voters agree: it's a classic album. And maybe the only one from 2004 that my grandkids will still be listening to.
2.) Brian Wilson- "SMiLE":
If I said, "hey check out this new album by the former lead singer of the Beach Boys that includes an ode to vegetables on it", you'd probably throw it in the trash. But if I said, "hey this is what Radiohead would have sounded like if they had been around in the 60's and were the chief artistic rival of Paul McCartney", then you would be interested. Well, guess what? I would be talking about the same album! Crazy, I know. If you don't believe me, then take it from my good friend Mr. Will Lacker who when discussing SMiLE said, (and I'm heavily paraphrasing) "That is some weird shit!" Okay settle down now and let me finish...For those that don't know the story, this was supposed to be the follow up to "Pet Sounds" 37 years ago but the other Beach Boys thought it was too weird, then the Beatles beat them to the punch with "Sgt. Pepper", then Brian Wilson went insane. He then had to spend the next few years in the looney bin, as they called it back then. (That and "the cuckoos nest" apparently.) Well now he's out and roaming the streets and finally releasing his "teenage symphony to God" 37 years later. When they say they don't make 'em like they used to, listen to this album and you'll see that "they" are right. You could never release a "teenage symphony to God" today. Or a love song about vegetables for that matter. The only teenage symphonies these days are "teenage symphonies to crap". (Damn, I'm clever...). SMiLE, despite its capitalization problems, was the best-reviewed album of the year, but still, it's a shame it couldn't have been released 37 years ago. Then it would now be a classic instead of a little heard oddity. At the time it would have seemed ahead of its time, and in retrospect I don't know if its time has, or will, ever come. It's an album that doesn't really have one great or memorable stand-alone song on it, but absolutely must be taken as a whole. But as a "whole album as artistic statement" it might be the best there is. And not to say it's better than "Sergeant Pepper", but it is a better "concept album", since, lets face it, Sgt. Pepper really has no concept. And it even has "Good Vibrations" to serve as its "Day in the Life"- a classic single that has nothing to do with the rest of the album yet closes it off perfectly. And it also contains songs about Plymouth Rock and, I can't possibly stress this strongly enough, a LOVE SONG ABOUT VEGTABLES! I'd like to hear someone today try and pull that off. But since I doubt anyone can I'm going to have to give Brian Wilson his props. The second best album of 1967 is now the second best album of 2004.
3.) Modest Mouse- Good News for People Who Love Bad News:
There are certain works of music that whenever you hear them they instantly take you back to a specific place and time. Like "Gangstas Paradise" by Coolio. Or "C is for Cookie" by Cookie Monster. Well this whole album will always undoubtedly remind me of this summer. And that's good news. And now that I actually own it myself I can relive summer whenever I want. As a side note: I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I can hear "Ocean Breathes Salty" now at a Hallmark store or not, but it certainly does give me some kind of hope for the future. Then I remember that the biggest hit of the year was by Usher and some guy named Lil' John who likes to carry around an oversized gold chalice out of which he drinks "Crunk Juice". And then I go sit in the corner and cry.
3 & 1/2.) Kanye West- College Dropout:
When I bought this album the girl checking me out at Best Buy started excitedly telling me how great and hilarious the skits on the album were. I was shocked. A cashier in New York City was actually talking to me. Even more shockingly, someone was actually excited about having a conversation with me. (She must not have known about the journal...) But the most shocking thing of all was that she was right. Not only did I not skip right past the skits, I actually listened to them multiple times! In fact once I even skipped past a song to hear a skit! And then of course the earth promptly stopped spinning on its axis. But its true, Kanye is the best thing to happen to rap skits since The Mad Rapper. Even more importantly than that, he's the best thing to happen to rap since at least mid-2003. I was going to put this album in this spot before I even heard it just based on "Jesus Walks" and "All Falls Down", but now that I've actually heard the album I can confidentially say it's the best non-Outkast or Eminem rap album of the millennium. All four years of it. Kanye is just that good. Not only did he pen the immortal line "The way Kathy Lee needed Regis/That's the way I need Jesus" but he also made me enjoy listening to a Brandy song. That's right; Brandy. Freaking MOESHA! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
(I actually have no idea what that saying means but it just sounds cool.)
(Word.)
Top 3 & 1/2 Best Things to Happen to Marymount This Year
1.) Thefacebook.com:
Friendster is the devil. I will never join MySpace. Yet, I am addicted to facebook. It is the best thing that has ever happened to Marymount. Now I could take up a whole journal entry to explain the reasoning behind this, as well as to expound on many other thoughts about facebook, and if you're not careful I just might, but for the time being I will just share a few brief thoughts on the matter. Now I know I'm a little late in commenting on the facebook phenomenon. I know its like so last month's news. But it was either this or my analysis of "The Macarena" so be grateful. By now we all know the basic reasons why facebook is great. It is like having a yearbook, so we now know who people are. It makes us feel popular. We can start out own club without actually having to get a faculty sponsor. But why I like facebook and not any of those other online community things comes down to one simple fact: The Friendsters of the world are designed to get you to meet new people, whereas facebook is designed to get you to meet people you already know. No crazy stalkers. No people from high school tracking you down and finding out what you are up to unless you want them to. Plus when my mom said, "don't talk to strangers" I really took it to heart. I don't like new people. And I don't like old people either. I just like you. Now be my friend damn it.
2.) The homemade potato chips in the 4th and Main Cafe:
If someone told me they killed a man I would think they were a bad person. If they told me they killed that man because he tried to steal one of their homemade chips, I would not think they were a bad person anymore. I would understand. That sandwich dude may mumble incoherently, but as long as he hooks a brother up with some chips its all good and his life is secure. After all, the sandwich is only a mere appetizer you have to put up with to get to the chips. But once you get to them, all is right with the world.
3.) The Vanderbilt:
All the fun of 55th Street (what fun?) with twice the drinking (for those who are over 21 only of course). And four times the crazy foreign people yelling at you in the hallway. It's just like my childhood really. Plus, the only thing better than having a roommate is not having a roommate.
3 & 1/2.) The 8th Floor Space:
Well see it's this big open space where we used to have a pool. What's it used for you ask? Well nothing really. We just throw a bunch up beat up old crap in there and let the kids have fun. Plus now we have a scary face on one wall. And the other walls have paint from 1963. But other than that its just filled with a bunch of worthless crap. A big ugly room filled with worthless crap. Its ideas like this that make me proud to go to Marymount and make giving tours so much fun.
Top 3 & 1/2 Other 2004 Highlights Id Like to Mention But Don't Really Fit in a Category:
1.) America the Book- Jon Stewart and Company:
Like Ellen and Jerry Seinfeld it makes you laugh because it's so true. But instead of being about "nothing" its about politics, history and the nature of our society. So the edge, as always, goes to Jon Stewart. Seriously this man is God. He makes comedy that's as important as it is funny. A trick that has NEVER before been pulled off. But here is a comedian who can literally change the world. And I have proof to back that up: I saw the other day that Carlton Tucker was dismissed from CNN and that Crossfire is being taken off the air. That means that Jon Stewart is so cool, so respected and so powerful that with one single television appearance he single handedly got the biggest cable network in the world to cancel its signature show of the past 20 years and dismiss one of its most well known figures. Normally when you call someone a "dick" on live TV people criticize you. In Jon Stewart's case you get the head of the network you are criticizing to issue a statement that says, "I come down on the side of Mr. Stewart". Seriously, his Crossfire appearance was one of the best moments in TV history. And think: who else could pull a stunt off like that and not only come out unscathed but looking like a hero to literally everyone? If I've said it once I've said it five times. Jon Stewart is God. We're just lucky he lets us share this planet with him.
2.) Seth Cohen- the O.C.:
If I ruled the world, I'd free all my sons. And the character Seth Cohen would be considered the very definition of cool. Imagine that. And oh yeah...I don't actually watch the O.C. Someone just told me about it one time. Someone who was clearly a loser and needed to get a life.
3.) "Lean Back" by The Terror Squad:
First of all, I'd like to mention your name. It's "The Terror Squad". That is the name of your group. Just thought I should put that out there...Second of all: lemme get this straight, this dance consists entirely of leaning back? There are no other moves? That's the whole dance? You may have written one of the most annoying songs ever, but you have given me new hope! I might one day even enter a club. Although for your next song might I suggest "Stand There"? That would work even better for me.
3 & 1/2.) The Guinness TV commercials:
"Brilliant!"
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week- Thoughts I've Had Recently Edition
1.) "My junior high fashion sense was inspired by gang members" is a sentence that really applies to far too many of us
2.) Is two turntables and a microphone really where its at?
3.) Maybe Bono was right all along. He really is the messiah.
3 & 1/2.) "This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do, to tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know"*
*Note: I didn't actually have this thought. Usher did. But same difference
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