Ironic that the best thing about the most backwards looking and feeling Oscars of my lifetime was social media. Rather than having to sit and stew over an event I look forward to more than any other being almost completely laugh and excitement free I was able to turn instead to the venting hordes on the Internet for my amusement. And amuse they did. The Oscars have turned into twitter Christmas at this point with everyone bringing their absolute best jokes to save what's increasingly and worryingly looking like an event that has completely lost its way. But because of the quality of the competition, to tweet during the Oscars is to wade into an almost unwinnable war. Only the very best survive. The rest go here to this blog post to die.
This is my tweet-style recap of the thoughts I had during the telecast.
Enjoy!
*First off, let me say that I was really excited about Billy Crystal coming back to host. After years of pandering and gimmicks to try and get younger viewers who they shouldn't be so concerned about anyway, I thought Billy Crystal would get the Oscars back to being The Oscars. Well, be careful what you wish for. Because Billy Crystal did get the Oscars back to being the Oscars...from 15 years ago. Which is what I thought I wanted in theory, but I now realize I definitely dont want in practice. There's apparently a much finer line between pandering to the kids and staying relevant than I realized. Which means I really don't know where the Oscars go from here. It's troubling, but it's an issue for another day. For now, combining the best of twitter and the worst of Billy Crystal, I made a bunch of obvious hacky jokes about his hosting job over the course of the night and then just copied and pasted them here without any real thought or revision. Seemed fitting:
-Hey Billy Crystal, 1982 called and they want their opening back
-So now we know: the exact opposite of pandering to the youth demographic is a Billy Crystal musical number
-Seems like Bruce Villanch definitely gets out a lot
-Based on that opening I’m pretty sure that Billy Crystal still uses Netscape
-It appears that the mild chortle will be the night’s LOL
-It’s fitting that a night celebrating a black and white silent film is relying solely on humor that was popular in 1929
-Is it a bad sign for Billy Crystal that he got showed up humor-wise by the winner of Best Sound Editing?
-They’re probably racing through the ceremony because Billy Crytsal has a flight he has to catch straight back to the Catskills.
*Shit Oscars nerds say: "They started with Cinematography WTF?!? This is outrageous! Where is Best Supporting Actress?"
(BTW speaking of outrages...in the battle of Lubeski vs. Kaminski the winner is None of the Above? Way to ruin my night on the very first award. Richardson over Lubeski isn’t quite Hooper over Fincher but it’s probably at least Fletcher over Reitman. Also, Emmanuel Lubeski is now officially our Gordon Willis. Also, you have no idea what I’m talking about do you?)
*I love montages at the Oscars because they’re a great way for people to catch up who have never seen a movie before. Which leads me to the larger issue of who is it that thinks that the Oscars seem like an ideal place to advertise for the concept of watching movies? Because most people watching the Oscars probably have no idea what movies even are, right? “Man, this whole ‘movies’ thing sure sounds like something I should check out” seems to be what Oscar producers assume the viewing public at home is thinking.
*I love giving out the awards two at a time! I'm so glad that this show devoted to giving out awards is racing through the whole giving out awards part. It makes me very happy!
“Hey, non-famous people in the technical categories, go fuck yourselves” -The Academy
*Pretty sure Nick Nolte isn’t alive
*Wow, who knew Sandra Bullock was such a nerd? Good thing she apologized for her Mandarin having a German accent because I was definitely going to call her on that.
*Fun fact: Did you also know that Octavia Spencer is the first person to win an Oscar for making a pie out of her own shit? And that her crying face is the same as her normal face? And that it’s 2012 and apparently black women can still only win in the “help” category at the Oscars?
(Also, way to help The Help, guy walking Octavia Spencer to the stage.)
*Here you go Iran. Here’s an Oscar. Now please don’t mind when we start bombing the shit out of you.
(What’s the opposite of a parting gift?)
*Thank god they cut the performances of the two nominated songs because I would have hated to have missed that Cirque du Soleil show that was totally relevant and had a lot to do with movies.
*I’m glad Chris Rock had the balls to finally call out the animation industry for their horrible racism. What bigots those Pixar people are.
*Serious question: Was the Emma Stone/Ben Stiller presenter thing supposed to be a parody of Anne Hathaway/James Franco from last year? Because if so, I kind of liked it. If not, I definitely didn’t.
*Wait, the acting legend playing a gay man dying of cancer won an OSCAR?!? Now I really have seen everything. Also, very true Christopher Plummer. I know for sure that you are definitely humbled to be in the same company as Jonah Hill. (Or as my roommate called him, the white Al Roker)
*Serious rant: I’m sure I say this every year but I never understand when people say they’ve been preparing for their Oscar acceptance speech their whole life and then proceed to just list a bunch of names. First of all, were you really practicing saying the name of your agent and your PR people when you were 12? Also, that was what was most important for you to say in your fantasies about the greatest moment of your life? “One day I hope I can win an Oscar so that I can stand up in front of the world an thank the film’s producers”?
*Dressing like an Oscar statue is a little redundant at this point don’t you think Meryl Streep?
*An Academy Award for Flight of the Conchords; your move Lonely Island.
*When did Angelina Jolie become a rich man’s Hilary Swank?
(By the way, I still can’t believe that Hilary Swank was snubbed for War Horse)
Semi-speaking of which, here are by far the most discussed things of the Oscars 2012:
1. Angelina Jolie’s leg
2. Angelina Jolie’s arms
3. The actual results of the awards
*Greendale now having an Oscar has to be one the greatest accomplishments in community college history #JimRash #Community
*Seeing Werner Herzog at The Oscars gives me the greatest idea in history: have Werner Herzog produce The Oscars!
*Whenever they say “let’s watch some highlights from the Scientific and Technical Achievement Awards” they’re using the term “highlights” very loosely
*Quick quiz: Is If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front an Oscar nominated documentary or a Coheed and Cambria song? (I’m allowed to semi-recycle my own jokes)
*Pretty sure Undefeated winning is just a make up award for snubbing Hoop Dreams. Or Friday Night Lights. One of the two.
*“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Pakistani women getting acid thrown in their faces, whatever, this is boring, where are the movie stars?” – nearly everyone during the Best Documentary Short acceptance speech
*Thank goodness Oprah has an Oscar now because her career has really been hurting. Maybe this will give it the boost it needs. Speaking of which, good thing they didn’t give Oprah her Oscar during the actual ceremony as that probably would have been terrible for buzz, ratings, and general interest.
*I always like the part in awards shows when they stop and remind us all that one day we’re gonna die.
*Well, at least I'm glad that I didn’t learn how to pronounce Hazanavicius for nothing. And glad we just gave Best Director to a guy most well-known for making French James Bond spoofs. Can’t wait for the Wayans Brothers to win next year.
*My reaction to Jean Dujardin winning:
Congrats to Roberto Benigni!
(Been nice knowing you!)
*My reaction to Meryl Streep winning:
Shock.
And then:
“Now she can’t win for August: Osage County!”
It was great to have a legitimate surprise at the Oscars. As much as I hate the people who want to see surprises just for the sake of seeing surprises, when you don’t know what’s coming you get a more genuine response. Nearly every other winner I nodded along knowingly and dispassionately when their names were called. I had already long ago processed my feelings on their win. But even though I was really pulling for Viola Davis, I found myself in the moment being unexpectedly excited and moved by Meryl’s win. Turns out I like her more than I even realized. Nice to learn something like that at the Oscars. Now imagine how great they’d be if there were absolutely no pundits and we had no idea at all who might win. That’d be pretty great.
(While we're talking about Best Actress let me just say that I thought Conan O’Brien was great in Albert Nobbs)
*Okay so by the end The Artist's win was inevitable. I really wish they wouldn't announce Director 30 minutes before they announce Picture. It's like puncturing a small hole in the balloon. By the time they get to Picture the air is almost all gone. But Best Director aside if you had any lingering doubts about what would win you should have simply watched the show. A telecast that old fashioned, that conservative, that careful not to offend could only be produced by a group that would find The Artist the Best Picture of the year. They were so into a movie that celebrated old Hollywood because they ARE old Hollywood. Not a novel observation I know, but one that rang especially clear tonight. Watching bit after bit fall thuddingly flat, wondering what exact the jokes were even supposed to be I saw clearly why comedies never get nominated. Looking at a tone deaf, airless, stuffy ceremony that could have taken place any time between now and 1962 I knew how The Kings Speech beat The Social Network. It made me wonder how something like No Country for Old Men ever won (and not just because that seems like the only people the country of Oscar is for).
The Oscars will always matter. They will always mean something. They will always be relevant because the dream of the Oscars and their cultural cache are unkillable at this point. But something happens to 84 year-olds. They get sick. And in this case, we're still desperately searching for the medicine.
Until next year comrades.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Oscars 2012 Preview: Someone Has To Win I Guess
Ready to win your Oscar pool? Want to sound smart while watching the Oscars? Want to kill an hour of your life you'll never get back reading an overlong, obsessive, and nerdy breakdown of every single category of what will surely be a dull and uninspiring Oscars cemermony celebrating winners you dont care about from one of the weakest years in film of my lifetime? Then the wait is over! Because my annual Oscar ballot breakdown is here.
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Live Action Short Film
What I imagine each of these five films is about based solely on their titles:
Pentecost - A hilarious comedy of misunderstandings when an everyday guy suddenly begins uncontrollably speaking in tongues
Raju - The story of a Japanese tomato sauce company
The Shore - A biopic of Lord of the Rings composer Howard Shore
Time Freak - A mini prequel to Time Bandits
Tuba Atlantic - Set in a futuristic society where a series of tubes span the Atlantic Ocean allowing a grown man to be reunited with his family in Africa that he was forcibly separated from as a small child. Or it's about a tuba.
Should Win: Five way tie, probably
Will Win: The Shore, maybe
Documentary Short
I haven't seen any of these but after reading a fascinating feature in Entertainment Weekly about Mother Dolores Hart I'm really pulling for God is the Bigger Elvis. Also because it's title is God is the Bigger Elvis. And after all do we really need yet another documentary about Pakistani women getting acid thrown in their faces by their family? Oh...we do? Okay, then Saving Face it is.
Should Win: Saving Face
Will Win: Saving Face
Documentary Feature
Cant say it was a banner year for documentaries. I love documentaries and make a point to see as many in theaters as I can, and even I am only vaguely familiar with a few of these. And I don't remember any of them getting wide theatrical releases. That's not necessarily a signifier of their quality, but still, it seems like a pretty slight lineup. A doc about a high school football team, a 3D dance film, and one called If A Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front? I mean even Fall Out Boy heard that title and thought it sounded ridiculous. So my best guess is Paradise Lost 3 because the West Memphis Three was the year's most prominent celebrity cause celebre. But at this point they've had more movies made about them than Abraham Lincoln, so everyone might be a little burned out on the whole thing. And it was really more of an HBO documentary than a theatrical feature. So who really knows.
Should Win: Paradise Lost 3
Will Win: Paradise Lost 3
Animated Short
Always go with the Pixar one.
Should Win: La Luna
Will Win: La Luna
Animated Feature
Speaking of which...you go over there and sit in the corner Pixar and think about what you did. Or rather what you didn't do. Which is even be nominated for an award that is unofficially known as the "Randy Newman Best Pixar Movie of the Year Award". I mean, a Shrek spin-off starring Antonio Banderas was judged to be better than anything you did this year. So you just sit over there and think long and hard about your decision to make Cars 2. And I need three new Brave trailers from you before you can come out of timeout.
Should Win: I Don't Know. I Don't See Non-Pixar Animated Films. It's Heresy.
Will Win: Rango
Sound Mixing
War! Horses! Things that make a lot of sound!
Should Win: War Horse
Will Win: War Horse
Sound Editing
I have no idea what sound editing is, but I do know Drive should have an Oscar. And this is the only one it's nominated for. So, you know, way to edit that sound people who made Drive!
(I'm apparently very excited about the mixing and editing of sound!!!)
Should Win: Drive
Will Win: War Horse
Original Score
I would say the score from The Artist is out of it, but after Roman Polanski's victory in 2002 there is precedent for rapists winning Oscars. Plus, I think we can all agree that Kim Novak was kind of asking for it.
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: The Artist
Original Song
If you were to sit in a lab and try and come up with the most Oscar worthy song of all time - prominently featured in the movie, integral to the plot, catchy, memorable, well written, uplifting message - I would be hard to do better than "Life's a Happy Song". So of course the only song nominated from The Muppets is "Man or Muppet". Sometimes the Oscars make no sense.
Whatever. Bret McKenzie is winning and giving a charming and funny speech and is halfway to EGOTing (and if you don't think there's a Tony in his future you're insane). FOTC 4 EVA!
Should Win: "Man or Muppet
Will Win: "Man or Muppet"
Visual Effects
This is a makeup award for snubbing Andy Serkis in the Supporting Actor category. But how great would it be if there's an upset and the Hugh Jackman robot boxing movie becomes the Academy Award Winning Hugh Jackman robot boxing movie? (And by "great" I mean "a mockery of all things holy")
Should Win: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Will Win: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Art Direction
Oh no, do you realize that according to my predictions here Hugo hasn't won any Oscars yet?? Time to fix that.
Should Win: Hugo
Will Win: Hugo
Costume Design
To quote myself from last year "As I always say, when in doubt go with either Colleen Atwood or Sandy Powell". Colleen Atwood isn't nominated. Sandy Powell is nominated for Hugo. Hugo it is then.
Should Win: Hugo
Will Win: Hugo
Makeup
Pretty sure the J. Edgar makeup team was just a front organization set up by the Iron Lady makeup team to make them look brilliant by comparison. If so, well done.
Should Win: The Iron Lady
Will Win: The Iron Lady
Film Editing
Okay, so confession time: I don't really know what an editor does. I mean I know what an editor does. They're probably the most important person the entire film making process. But I don't know how much of what the editor does is the director and how much is them. And unless the movie has really obvious editing like Moulin Rouge, or The Bourne Ultimatum, I really have no idea how to judge the quality of an editor's work. So while this award is probably going to The Artist because of the usual correlation between this Best Editing and Best Picture, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo felt the most edit-y to me of the nominees. But what do I know? (Nothing)
Should Win: Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Will Win: The Artist
Cinematography
LUBEZKI VS. KAMINSKI BITCHES!!!!!!!!
In either a statement on either the overall uninspiring nature of the rest of this year's nominees or on my level of Oscar-nerddom, but this is BY FAR the category I'm most looking forward to on Oscar night. I've been thinking about this one for months. Since well before the nominations even came out. (Okay yeah, I'm gonna lean more towards the major Oscar-nerd angle.) But seriously what more would you want out of a contest? The two best non-Roger Deakins cinematographers working today. Both at the absolute top of their games. Duking it out mano-a-mano. Okay yes, there are technically other nominees. And actually both Robert Richardson for Hugo and Guillaume Schiffman for The Artist have legitimate shots here (no pun intended). But even if theres a mini-sweep for either of those movies I don't think the voters will be able to deny the overwhelming beauty of the colors and lighting and compositions of War Horse and Tree of Life. In the end, I think (and pray) it will be Lubezki, because no matter what someone thought of Tree of Life any person who saw it would have to agree that it was visually stunning. And also because its a crime that Lubezki has never won. His losing in 2006 for Children of Men is right up there with Crash over Brokeback and Hooper over Fincher on the list of great Oscar injustices of the past 10 years. So (fingers crossed) TEAM LUBEZKI FTW!!!!!
Should Win: Tree of Life
Will Win: Tree of Life
Foreign Language Film
A Separation was the highest profile, highest grossing and most critically acclaimed foreign film of the year. It's from the political hotbed of Iran. It's the only nominee here to get a wide release. It was on nearly every critic's year end top 10 list. So it's probably losing to the Polish Holocaust movie
Should Win: A Separation
Will Win: In Darkness
Adapted Screenplay
Hardest race for me to call in years. My gut and heart say Moneyball. Logic and evidence say The Descendants. My brain says "what the hell was Tinker Tailor Solider Spy even about". And absolutely no one anywhere is saying anything about Ides of March.
On paper its not actually hard to call at all. Based on precursor awards The Descendants is a borderline lock here. And this is historically the place to reward the movie that everyone in the Academy liked but found a little too "indie" to vote for for Best Picture. Normally the screenplay awards are kind of the silver medals of the night, but even though I think Hugo is coming in second place in the Best Picture race there doesn't seem to be any real affection for its screenplay. And even as someone on Team Hugo I would it's screenplay isn't really its strongest element. Which is why I'm pulling for Moneyball, a great movie in which its script was its strongest element. Also, Sorkin! And also I refuse to believe I live in a world where The Descendants is actually a hugely beloved masterpiece. But mostly, Sorkin!
But alas, the world often makes no sense. Speaking of which, can someone please explain Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy to me? That shit made Tree of Life seem like "See Spot Run".
Should Win: Moneyball
Will Win: The Descendants (by a hair)
Original Screenplay
A race between a movie where people don't talk like real people, one where people don't talk at all, and one where people poop in sink.
Without looking, how many Oscar nominations do you think Woody Allen has for screenwriting? If you said 15 you were probably cheating, but you'd also be right. And yet despite being by far the most nominated writer of all time I would argue he still doesn't know how to write realistic sounding dialogue. Now "still doesn't know" isn't quite fair because once upon a time he did somewhat. Annie Hall is my favorite movie of all time. And the dialogue there all rings true in terms of sounding like believable human speech. But as the way people talk and the things they talk about have changed Woody just hasn't kept up. Its why his best screenplays form the past 20 years (Bullets Over Broadway, Sweet & Lowdown, the time travel sections of Midnight in Paris) were all movies set in the past. Because then the highly mannered and jarringly unmodern dialogue wasn't distracting and out of place. But at this point, when Woody Allen tries to write contemporary characters they all wind up sounding like bizarro David Mamet characters only, unlike Mamet, in Woody's case its not a purposeful stylistic choice. He really seems to think that's how people actually talk. I guess thats what happens when the only place you've been in America in the past 30 years is the Upper East Side of Manhattan, which as a former longtime UES resident myself I can attest is TOTALLY representative of the mainstream contemporary America.
Whatever. Woody is still winning this thing because they're not giving it to the comedy with the sink pooping, and they're not giving a writing award to a script with maybe four total pages of written dialogue. And clearly, as the 15 nominations should attest, there's a ton of affection in the Academy for the Woodman. And yes, Midnight in Paris was his best film in years. And sure it was incredibly slight and not really awards-worthy, but in the year of The Artist "incredibly slight and not really awards-worthy" seems to be the name of the game. So Midnight in Paris it is.
Should Win: Woody Allen - Midnight in Paris
Will Win: Woody Allen - Midnight in Paris
Supporting Actress
Okay now that we're into the acting categories you're gonna here a lot of "ugh"s from me. But UGH is Octavia Spencer really going to win an Oscar for her work in The Help? The answer is yes, as I well aware, but why? What does she do in The Help that is awards worthy? What does she do that's even believably human? Bug her eyes out really wide? Act like a cartoon version of a sassy black maid? You know how everyone says that Viola Davis brings a much needed level of elegance and restraint to The Help? Well Octavia Spencer's performances is what they're saying that in response to. Its like her and Viola are in completely separate movies. Viola is in a serious drama about real people facing serious problems and Octavia is in a broad slapstick Adam Sandler movie. So why is she the runaway favorite for ths award? What am I missing here? It must be her long storied history of great work. That's probably it right? Well good, because if she didn't have that going for her then I would worry that maybe Octavia Spencer having an Oscar might seem Roberto Begini-levels of ridiculous in 10 years. Thank goodness that wont be the case here!
Should Win: Janet McTeer
Will Win: Octavia Spencer
Supporting Actor
UGH. These are all fine performances. I like them all. But none of them really generate any enthusiasm. And it's strange to me that someone (specifically, Christopher Plummer) will win an Oscar for one of them. But I guess after Alan Arkin won an Oscar for his role in Little Miss Sunshine all bets are off. So even though at no point while watching Beginners did I think, "Christopher Plummer is giving a Academy Award-worthy performance right now!", things could be worse. And though I'm sad to see probably the best four year stretch of Supporting Actor (or maybe any category ever) winners in Oscar history end, I guess a long overdue Christopher Plummer doing fine work in a super awards-bait-y role in a great film is as good a place to end as any.
Should Win: Christopher Plummer
Will Win: Chistopher Plummer
Actress
So much was said about Bridesmaids this year that the fact that it was a banner year for women dramas was really overlooked. But this is one the best group of Best Actress nominees ever. I mean most years they have trouble coming up with even five deserving nominees. Yet year I Tilda Swinton, Charlize Theron, and Elizabeth Olsen could all lay claim to the term "egregiously snubbed". Only I don't know who you would bump out of the five nominees to make room for them. (Rooney Mara. You would bump Rooney Mara). There are plenty of years where Glen Close would be the heavy favorite. And this year she'll do good to come in 4th place. Really enough cant be said about what a strong group of nominees these are and about how far superior they are to their male counterparts (I'll get to them in a minute).
That being said, I don't really have a strong opinion about who should win. Viola Davis is the best I guess, but it seems weird that Best Actress is going to go to what feels like simply a very big supporting role in a a movie like The Help. Meryl Streep would win in a walk if The Iron Lady just focused on Margaret Thatchers older dementia years. Unfortunately Maryl isn't quite as good in the Margaret Thatcher being Margaret Thatcher stuff, and the movie itself is pretty awful. If it was even 40% better I think this race would be a lot tighter than it is. Also Meryl will be back next year for August: Osage County, which if you thought dementia-ridden Margaret Thatcher was an awards bait role, then you aint seen nothin yet.
If you had asked me three months ago I would have said my pick was Michelle Williams, just because I was almost laughably skeptical of her ability to play Marilyn Monroe and yet she completely won me over. I also would have put down a lot of money on her pulling an Adrien Brody style upset. But the more distance I have from seeing the movies, the more Viola Davis' work has stayed with me whereas Michelle Williams' has faded a bit. And Viola Davis also seems to have definitely pulled away from the pack enough that I think an upset is highly unlikely. She's a very respectable choice, and a person who is easy to root for, and someone whose career will be greatly helped by winning an Oscar. And the allegations of racism hurled unfairly at the Academy last year certainly don't hurt her chances. So I'm good with her winning. I just wish she was winning for something a little less middlebrow than The Help.
Should Win: Viola Davis
Will Win: Viola Davis
Actor
I think this is probably the weakest group of Best Actor nominees in my life time. If None of The Above were an option on the ballot I bet it would win in a landslide. I dont sense any real enthusaism for any of these nominees from anyone. If I HAD to pick I'd go with Michael Fassbender, but, oh wait, he's not nominated because the Academy doesnt like penises. My second pick would be Leonardo DiCaprio but he's also not nominated (I know, I know, but once you get past the makeup and the Clint Eastwood factor, I think its actually Leo's best work). So of the nominees the performance I liked the best was Brad Pitt. But theres no way thats an Oscar winning role. I know if I liked it the best then its silly to say its not the most desreving, but what I responded to in the performance was how easy and effortless and real it seemed. "Easy" and "effortless" should not be the first two adjectives used to describe what we are going to be holding up to future generations as the finest acting work produced in the year 2011. Mister Congeniality this award is not. And yet we're about to give it to Jean Dujardin for essentially being charming and French and in the movie we liked the best.
Demian Bichir probably did the best acting job here, but his was basically a glorified supporting part and no one saw his movie. And why Gary Oldman is even nominated is beyond me. I've seen wallpaper be more engaging than he was. And we can't really give George Clooney an Oscar for playing George Clooney. At no point in the movie did I believe that he wasnt George Clooney. At least with Brad Pitt I bought him as a completely differenet person. And that seems kind of like the whole point of acting right? Which brings us back to Jean Dujardin. He was clearly acting. He used his face and body to express emotions. He played a person who, since we've never seen him before, we can convince ourselves was unlike himself. I believed him as a human being. He danced at one point. That's a difficult skill to learn. Pretty sure I remember a scene where he cried. He's handsome. And French.
OSCAR IT IS!
UUUUGGGGHHH
Should Win: Ugh, Jean Dujardin, I guess?
Will Win: Jean Dujardin
Director
Important fact: this award is called Best Director not Person That Directed The Best Picture Winner. It's actually a whole separate thing. And if there was ever a time to treat it as such it's now. Because whle Michel Hazanavicius did a fine job, he was merely copying the styles of filmmakers past. Terrance Malick on the other hand created something totally new. Something with a clear personal style. Something that couldnt have been made by anyone else. When I went to see Tree of Life at the Arclight it was introduced as Terrance Malick's Tree of Life, so strong was his personal stamp on it. You could maybe argue that The Descendants and Midnight in Paris bear their creator's stamp just as strongly, but I'd argue that's more a function of their scripts than of their visual styles. And Hugo is clearly a Martin Scorsese film. But also it's totally NOT a Martin Scorsese film. In many ways thats whats most interesting about it. Plus he just won. The Artist though could have been directed by anyone with a film school education and few months to research old silent films. But Michel Hazanavicius won the DGA and directed the Best Picture favorite which means he's got this thing in the bag.
UGH.
At least he's not Tom Hooper.
Should Win: Terrance Malick
Will Win: Michel Hazanavicius
Picture
I've made my peace with The Artist winning. I did it while walking out of the theater in fact. I was outraged over Crash, confused over Slumdog, unenthused by The Hurt Locker, and disheartened by The Kings Speech, but by now as long its not something terrible or defeats something FAR more deserving I'm really worn down by caring about this stuff to care much any more. The Artist is a perfectly fine movie. Its a lighter-than-air instantly forgettable triffle. It's not about anything, has nothing to say about the world, and doesn't in any way reflect the time in which it was made. But it's well done and likable.
As Ive made clear elsewhere I thought Tree of Life was by far the best movie of the year. It was moving and beautiful and original and it tackled big questions and ideas in big thought-provoking ways. It was challenging and visionary and like nothing else I'd ever seen. So of course it has no chance to win.
Of the nominees with a realistic shot of winning I much preferred Hugo to The Artist. It had more weight, more emotion, more skill behind it, and a grander more Oscar-worthy sweep. But it's hard for me to criticize The Artist for not being about anything important or reflecting its time and then make a big case for Hugo. So fine, The Artist it is. Removed from the novelty of "hey its a silent black and white movie in 2011!" there's no way The Artist holds up even ten years from now. 50 years from now when people do rankings of all the Best Picture winners in history The Artist is going to easily be in the bottom 20. And if it achieves "somewhat amusing afterthought" status in the annals of film history I think that's its absolute best case scenario. I think more likely people very will look back at the 2011 Oscar results and think, "WTF, were we all drunk when we decided The Artist was the very best movie of the entire year?" But you know what, if in the moment, a well made and charming black and white silent movie winning Best Picture is the best way to encourage the film industry to take chances then I'm okay with that. A French silent black and white movie about old Hollywood may not have anything relevant to say about our world today, but it winning Best Picture does. And at this point that's really my bar for Best Picture satisfaction. And hey, maybe in the year of Mitt Romney The Artist winning Best Picture is even more relevant than I think.
GO UNENTHUSIASM!!! You're the best!
Should Win: Tree of Life, but also Hugo
Will Win: The Artist
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Live Action Short Film
What I imagine each of these five films is about based solely on their titles:
Pentecost - A hilarious comedy of misunderstandings when an everyday guy suddenly begins uncontrollably speaking in tongues
Raju - The story of a Japanese tomato sauce company
The Shore - A biopic of Lord of the Rings composer Howard Shore
Time Freak - A mini prequel to Time Bandits
Tuba Atlantic - Set in a futuristic society where a series of tubes span the Atlantic Ocean allowing a grown man to be reunited with his family in Africa that he was forcibly separated from as a small child. Or it's about a tuba.
Should Win: Five way tie, probably
Will Win: The Shore, maybe
Documentary Short
I haven't seen any of these but after reading a fascinating feature in Entertainment Weekly about Mother Dolores Hart I'm really pulling for God is the Bigger Elvis. Also because it's title is God is the Bigger Elvis. And after all do we really need yet another documentary about Pakistani women getting acid thrown in their faces by their family? Oh...we do? Okay, then Saving Face it is.
Should Win: Saving Face
Will Win: Saving Face
Documentary Feature
Cant say it was a banner year for documentaries. I love documentaries and make a point to see as many in theaters as I can, and even I am only vaguely familiar with a few of these. And I don't remember any of them getting wide theatrical releases. That's not necessarily a signifier of their quality, but still, it seems like a pretty slight lineup. A doc about a high school football team, a 3D dance film, and one called If A Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front? I mean even Fall Out Boy heard that title and thought it sounded ridiculous. So my best guess is Paradise Lost 3 because the West Memphis Three was the year's most prominent celebrity cause celebre. But at this point they've had more movies made about them than Abraham Lincoln, so everyone might be a little burned out on the whole thing. And it was really more of an HBO documentary than a theatrical feature. So who really knows.
Should Win: Paradise Lost 3
Will Win: Paradise Lost 3
Animated Short
Always go with the Pixar one.
Should Win: La Luna
Will Win: La Luna
Animated Feature
Speaking of which...you go over there and sit in the corner Pixar and think about what you did. Or rather what you didn't do. Which is even be nominated for an award that is unofficially known as the "Randy Newman Best Pixar Movie of the Year Award". I mean, a Shrek spin-off starring Antonio Banderas was judged to be better than anything you did this year. So you just sit over there and think long and hard about your decision to make Cars 2. And I need three new Brave trailers from you before you can come out of timeout.
Should Win: I Don't Know. I Don't See Non-Pixar Animated Films. It's Heresy.
Will Win: Rango
Sound Mixing
War! Horses! Things that make a lot of sound!
Should Win: War Horse
Will Win: War Horse
Sound Editing
I have no idea what sound editing is, but I do know Drive should have an Oscar. And this is the only one it's nominated for. So, you know, way to edit that sound people who made Drive!
(I'm apparently very excited about the mixing and editing of sound!!!)
Should Win: Drive
Will Win: War Horse
Original Score
I would say the score from The Artist is out of it, but after Roman Polanski's victory in 2002 there is precedent for rapists winning Oscars. Plus, I think we can all agree that Kim Novak was kind of asking for it.
Should Win: The Artist
Will Win: The Artist
Original Song
If you were to sit in a lab and try and come up with the most Oscar worthy song of all time - prominently featured in the movie, integral to the plot, catchy, memorable, well written, uplifting message - I would be hard to do better than "Life's a Happy Song". So of course the only song nominated from The Muppets is "Man or Muppet". Sometimes the Oscars make no sense.
Whatever. Bret McKenzie is winning and giving a charming and funny speech and is halfway to EGOTing (and if you don't think there's a Tony in his future you're insane). FOTC 4 EVA!
Should Win: "Man or Muppet
Will Win: "Man or Muppet"
Visual Effects
This is a makeup award for snubbing Andy Serkis in the Supporting Actor category. But how great would it be if there's an upset and the Hugh Jackman robot boxing movie becomes the Academy Award Winning Hugh Jackman robot boxing movie? (And by "great" I mean "a mockery of all things holy")
Should Win: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Will Win: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Art Direction
Oh no, do you realize that according to my predictions here Hugo hasn't won any Oscars yet?? Time to fix that.
Should Win: Hugo
Will Win: Hugo
Costume Design
To quote myself from last year "As I always say, when in doubt go with either Colleen Atwood or Sandy Powell". Colleen Atwood isn't nominated. Sandy Powell is nominated for Hugo. Hugo it is then.
Should Win: Hugo
Will Win: Hugo
Makeup
Pretty sure the J. Edgar makeup team was just a front organization set up by the Iron Lady makeup team to make them look brilliant by comparison. If so, well done.
Should Win: The Iron Lady
Will Win: The Iron Lady
Film Editing
Okay, so confession time: I don't really know what an editor does. I mean I know what an editor does. They're probably the most important person the entire film making process. But I don't know how much of what the editor does is the director and how much is them. And unless the movie has really obvious editing like Moulin Rouge, or The Bourne Ultimatum, I really have no idea how to judge the quality of an editor's work. So while this award is probably going to The Artist because of the usual correlation between this Best Editing and Best Picture, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo felt the most edit-y to me of the nominees. But what do I know? (Nothing)
Should Win: Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Will Win: The Artist
Cinematography
LUBEZKI VS. KAMINSKI BITCHES!!!!!!!!
In either a statement on either the overall uninspiring nature of the rest of this year's nominees or on my level of Oscar-nerddom, but this is BY FAR the category I'm most looking forward to on Oscar night. I've been thinking about this one for months. Since well before the nominations even came out. (Okay yeah, I'm gonna lean more towards the major Oscar-nerd angle.) But seriously what more would you want out of a contest? The two best non-Roger Deakins cinematographers working today. Both at the absolute top of their games. Duking it out mano-a-mano. Okay yes, there are technically other nominees. And actually both Robert Richardson for Hugo and Guillaume Schiffman for The Artist have legitimate shots here (no pun intended). But even if theres a mini-sweep for either of those movies I don't think the voters will be able to deny the overwhelming beauty of the colors and lighting and compositions of War Horse and Tree of Life. In the end, I think (and pray) it will be Lubezki, because no matter what someone thought of Tree of Life any person who saw it would have to agree that it was visually stunning. And also because its a crime that Lubezki has never won. His losing in 2006 for Children of Men is right up there with Crash over Brokeback and Hooper over Fincher on the list of great Oscar injustices of the past 10 years. So (fingers crossed) TEAM LUBEZKI FTW!!!!!
Should Win: Tree of Life
Will Win: Tree of Life
Foreign Language Film
A Separation was the highest profile, highest grossing and most critically acclaimed foreign film of the year. It's from the political hotbed of Iran. It's the only nominee here to get a wide release. It was on nearly every critic's year end top 10 list. So it's probably losing to the Polish Holocaust movie
Should Win: A Separation
Will Win: In Darkness
Adapted Screenplay
Hardest race for me to call in years. My gut and heart say Moneyball. Logic and evidence say The Descendants. My brain says "what the hell was Tinker Tailor Solider Spy even about". And absolutely no one anywhere is saying anything about Ides of March.
On paper its not actually hard to call at all. Based on precursor awards The Descendants is a borderline lock here. And this is historically the place to reward the movie that everyone in the Academy liked but found a little too "indie" to vote for for Best Picture. Normally the screenplay awards are kind of the silver medals of the night, but even though I think Hugo is coming in second place in the Best Picture race there doesn't seem to be any real affection for its screenplay. And even as someone on Team Hugo I would it's screenplay isn't really its strongest element. Which is why I'm pulling for Moneyball, a great movie in which its script was its strongest element. Also, Sorkin! And also I refuse to believe I live in a world where The Descendants is actually a hugely beloved masterpiece. But mostly, Sorkin!
But alas, the world often makes no sense. Speaking of which, can someone please explain Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy to me? That shit made Tree of Life seem like "See Spot Run".
Should Win: Moneyball
Will Win: The Descendants (by a hair)
Original Screenplay
A race between a movie where people don't talk like real people, one where people don't talk at all, and one where people poop in sink.
Without looking, how many Oscar nominations do you think Woody Allen has for screenwriting? If you said 15 you were probably cheating, but you'd also be right. And yet despite being by far the most nominated writer of all time I would argue he still doesn't know how to write realistic sounding dialogue. Now "still doesn't know" isn't quite fair because once upon a time he did somewhat. Annie Hall is my favorite movie of all time. And the dialogue there all rings true in terms of sounding like believable human speech. But as the way people talk and the things they talk about have changed Woody just hasn't kept up. Its why his best screenplays form the past 20 years (Bullets Over Broadway, Sweet & Lowdown, the time travel sections of Midnight in Paris) were all movies set in the past. Because then the highly mannered and jarringly unmodern dialogue wasn't distracting and out of place. But at this point, when Woody Allen tries to write contemporary characters they all wind up sounding like bizarro David Mamet characters only, unlike Mamet, in Woody's case its not a purposeful stylistic choice. He really seems to think that's how people actually talk. I guess thats what happens when the only place you've been in America in the past 30 years is the Upper East Side of Manhattan, which as a former longtime UES resident myself I can attest is TOTALLY representative of the mainstream contemporary America.
Whatever. Woody is still winning this thing because they're not giving it to the comedy with the sink pooping, and they're not giving a writing award to a script with maybe four total pages of written dialogue. And clearly, as the 15 nominations should attest, there's a ton of affection in the Academy for the Woodman. And yes, Midnight in Paris was his best film in years. And sure it was incredibly slight and not really awards-worthy, but in the year of The Artist "incredibly slight and not really awards-worthy" seems to be the name of the game. So Midnight in Paris it is.
Should Win: Woody Allen - Midnight in Paris
Will Win: Woody Allen - Midnight in Paris
Supporting Actress
Okay now that we're into the acting categories you're gonna here a lot of "ugh"s from me. But UGH is Octavia Spencer really going to win an Oscar for her work in The Help? The answer is yes, as I well aware, but why? What does she do in The Help that is awards worthy? What does she do that's even believably human? Bug her eyes out really wide? Act like a cartoon version of a sassy black maid? You know how everyone says that Viola Davis brings a much needed level of elegance and restraint to The Help? Well Octavia Spencer's performances is what they're saying that in response to. Its like her and Viola are in completely separate movies. Viola is in a serious drama about real people facing serious problems and Octavia is in a broad slapstick Adam Sandler movie. So why is she the runaway favorite for ths award? What am I missing here? It must be her long storied history of great work. That's probably it right? Well good, because if she didn't have that going for her then I would worry that maybe Octavia Spencer having an Oscar might seem Roberto Begini-levels of ridiculous in 10 years. Thank goodness that wont be the case here!
Should Win: Janet McTeer
Will Win: Octavia Spencer
Supporting Actor
UGH. These are all fine performances. I like them all. But none of them really generate any enthusiasm. And it's strange to me that someone (specifically, Christopher Plummer) will win an Oscar for one of them. But I guess after Alan Arkin won an Oscar for his role in Little Miss Sunshine all bets are off. So even though at no point while watching Beginners did I think, "Christopher Plummer is giving a Academy Award-worthy performance right now!", things could be worse. And though I'm sad to see probably the best four year stretch of Supporting Actor (or maybe any category ever) winners in Oscar history end, I guess a long overdue Christopher Plummer doing fine work in a super awards-bait-y role in a great film is as good a place to end as any.
Should Win: Christopher Plummer
Will Win: Chistopher Plummer
Actress
So much was said about Bridesmaids this year that the fact that it was a banner year for women dramas was really overlooked. But this is one the best group of Best Actress nominees ever. I mean most years they have trouble coming up with even five deserving nominees. Yet year I Tilda Swinton, Charlize Theron, and Elizabeth Olsen could all lay claim to the term "egregiously snubbed". Only I don't know who you would bump out of the five nominees to make room for them. (Rooney Mara. You would bump Rooney Mara). There are plenty of years where Glen Close would be the heavy favorite. And this year she'll do good to come in 4th place. Really enough cant be said about what a strong group of nominees these are and about how far superior they are to their male counterparts (I'll get to them in a minute).
That being said, I don't really have a strong opinion about who should win. Viola Davis is the best I guess, but it seems weird that Best Actress is going to go to what feels like simply a very big supporting role in a a movie like The Help. Meryl Streep would win in a walk if The Iron Lady just focused on Margaret Thatchers older dementia years. Unfortunately Maryl isn't quite as good in the Margaret Thatcher being Margaret Thatcher stuff, and the movie itself is pretty awful. If it was even 40% better I think this race would be a lot tighter than it is. Also Meryl will be back next year for August: Osage County, which if you thought dementia-ridden Margaret Thatcher was an awards bait role, then you aint seen nothin yet.
If you had asked me three months ago I would have said my pick was Michelle Williams, just because I was almost laughably skeptical of her ability to play Marilyn Monroe and yet she completely won me over. I also would have put down a lot of money on her pulling an Adrien Brody style upset. But the more distance I have from seeing the movies, the more Viola Davis' work has stayed with me whereas Michelle Williams' has faded a bit. And Viola Davis also seems to have definitely pulled away from the pack enough that I think an upset is highly unlikely. She's a very respectable choice, and a person who is easy to root for, and someone whose career will be greatly helped by winning an Oscar. And the allegations of racism hurled unfairly at the Academy last year certainly don't hurt her chances. So I'm good with her winning. I just wish she was winning for something a little less middlebrow than The Help.
Should Win: Viola Davis
Will Win: Viola Davis
Actor
I think this is probably the weakest group of Best Actor nominees in my life time. If None of The Above were an option on the ballot I bet it would win in a landslide. I dont sense any real enthusaism for any of these nominees from anyone. If I HAD to pick I'd go with Michael Fassbender, but, oh wait, he's not nominated because the Academy doesnt like penises. My second pick would be Leonardo DiCaprio but he's also not nominated (I know, I know, but once you get past the makeup and the Clint Eastwood factor, I think its actually Leo's best work). So of the nominees the performance I liked the best was Brad Pitt. But theres no way thats an Oscar winning role. I know if I liked it the best then its silly to say its not the most desreving, but what I responded to in the performance was how easy and effortless and real it seemed. "Easy" and "effortless" should not be the first two adjectives used to describe what we are going to be holding up to future generations as the finest acting work produced in the year 2011. Mister Congeniality this award is not. And yet we're about to give it to Jean Dujardin for essentially being charming and French and in the movie we liked the best.
Demian Bichir probably did the best acting job here, but his was basically a glorified supporting part and no one saw his movie. And why Gary Oldman is even nominated is beyond me. I've seen wallpaper be more engaging than he was. And we can't really give George Clooney an Oscar for playing George Clooney. At no point in the movie did I believe that he wasnt George Clooney. At least with Brad Pitt I bought him as a completely differenet person. And that seems kind of like the whole point of acting right? Which brings us back to Jean Dujardin. He was clearly acting. He used his face and body to express emotions. He played a person who, since we've never seen him before, we can convince ourselves was unlike himself. I believed him as a human being. He danced at one point. That's a difficult skill to learn. Pretty sure I remember a scene where he cried. He's handsome. And French.
OSCAR IT IS!
UUUUGGGGHHH
Should Win: Ugh, Jean Dujardin, I guess?
Will Win: Jean Dujardin
Director
Important fact: this award is called Best Director not Person That Directed The Best Picture Winner. It's actually a whole separate thing. And if there was ever a time to treat it as such it's now. Because whle Michel Hazanavicius did a fine job, he was merely copying the styles of filmmakers past. Terrance Malick on the other hand created something totally new. Something with a clear personal style. Something that couldnt have been made by anyone else. When I went to see Tree of Life at the Arclight it was introduced as Terrance Malick's Tree of Life, so strong was his personal stamp on it. You could maybe argue that The Descendants and Midnight in Paris bear their creator's stamp just as strongly, but I'd argue that's more a function of their scripts than of their visual styles. And Hugo is clearly a Martin Scorsese film. But also it's totally NOT a Martin Scorsese film. In many ways thats whats most interesting about it. Plus he just won. The Artist though could have been directed by anyone with a film school education and few months to research old silent films. But Michel Hazanavicius won the DGA and directed the Best Picture favorite which means he's got this thing in the bag.
UGH.
At least he's not Tom Hooper.
Should Win: Terrance Malick
Will Win: Michel Hazanavicius
Picture
I've made my peace with The Artist winning. I did it while walking out of the theater in fact. I was outraged over Crash, confused over Slumdog, unenthused by The Hurt Locker, and disheartened by The Kings Speech, but by now as long its not something terrible or defeats something FAR more deserving I'm really worn down by caring about this stuff to care much any more. The Artist is a perfectly fine movie. Its a lighter-than-air instantly forgettable triffle. It's not about anything, has nothing to say about the world, and doesn't in any way reflect the time in which it was made. But it's well done and likable.
As Ive made clear elsewhere I thought Tree of Life was by far the best movie of the year. It was moving and beautiful and original and it tackled big questions and ideas in big thought-provoking ways. It was challenging and visionary and like nothing else I'd ever seen. So of course it has no chance to win.
Of the nominees with a realistic shot of winning I much preferred Hugo to The Artist. It had more weight, more emotion, more skill behind it, and a grander more Oscar-worthy sweep. But it's hard for me to criticize The Artist for not being about anything important or reflecting its time and then make a big case for Hugo. So fine, The Artist it is. Removed from the novelty of "hey its a silent black and white movie in 2011!" there's no way The Artist holds up even ten years from now. 50 years from now when people do rankings of all the Best Picture winners in history The Artist is going to easily be in the bottom 20. And if it achieves "somewhat amusing afterthought" status in the annals of film history I think that's its absolute best case scenario. I think more likely people very will look back at the 2011 Oscar results and think, "WTF, were we all drunk when we decided The Artist was the very best movie of the entire year?" But you know what, if in the moment, a well made and charming black and white silent movie winning Best Picture is the best way to encourage the film industry to take chances then I'm okay with that. A French silent black and white movie about old Hollywood may not have anything relevant to say about our world today, but it winning Best Picture does. And at this point that's really my bar for Best Picture satisfaction. And hey, maybe in the year of Mitt Romney The Artist winning Best Picture is even more relevant than I think.
GO UNENTHUSIASM!!! You're the best!
Should Win: Tree of Life, but also Hugo
Will Win: The Artist
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Top 20 of 2011
A year end list in February? Yes. A year end list in February. If you can't handle that then don't read it on my free blog that I write for free. But I've been busy, and better late than never right? (Don't answer that.) Bottom line is I like writing these things every year so that then in later years I can go back and reread them and remember what that given year was all about. It saves me from having to remember all the things that moved and affected me and inspired me and excited me every year so that I can save that brain space for things that TRULY matter. Like the name of Grover Cleveland's first daughter (Ruth). And now you can use this to do the same.
Let's get started
(Two quick notes:
-Unlike in years past these are not ranked in any way. The order is totally random.
-There are plenty of things I didn’t get the chance to experience but would have probably made the list - Book of Mormon, Bossypants, the Watch the Throne tour, to name a few - so if your favorites arent here don't be outraged. I probably just haven't gotten around to them yet)
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1. The chorus to “Pumped Up Kicks”
Try to get it out of your head. I dare you.
2. Hot Coffee
This might shock you, so I hope you're sitting down, but there are corporate interests in this country who are pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into keeping you misinformed and uneducated enough to vote against your own best interests. And politicians are involved in this "conspiracy" as well. Who ever heard of such a terrible thing!
This superb HBO documentary about the woman who sued McDonalds for her coffee being too hot, but really about the entire issue of tort reform, did the exact thing that all documentaries strive to do - educated and impassioned me about a very important issue that I previously knew almost nothing about. And what little I did know was completely wrong. For example, that lady who sued McDonalds for her coffee being too hot - not only was her lawsuit not frivolous, but she deserved every penny. And then some.
If you want to be outraged and learn how totally fucked you already are right now at this very moment without even realizing it, then I urge you strongly to watch Hot Coffee. It's like a jolt of hot liquid to the crotch.
(Sorry. I had to.)
3. Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes
In an age when even "reality" is scripted, the chance to turn on an event as normally staid as an awards show and see something clearly unplanned, unscripted, and real is a monumental event. Its what we're often promised but NEVER receive. And for once we actually did. Were the jokes actually that good or edgy? Not really. But it wasn't about the jokes themselves per se, it was about the fact that he was telling them. We live in a world where everyone is so petrified of saying anything even remotely controversial or doing anything that isn't carefully choreographed and planned by a phalanx of PR people first, so the simple act of not giving a fuck felt like a revolutionary act. And sure he couldn't, or wouldn't, follow it up. But for a brief shining moment it seemed like maybe we were headed for a future where people said real things to people's faces in public.
It was fun while it lasted.
4. TV on the Radio - Nine Types of Light
I'm going to say something wildly controversial here: sometimes hipsters make no sense.
Hipsters used to love TV on the Radio. They were THE hipster band. Now they make what is, to my ears, their best album and it gets almost no love whatsoever? I mean I didn't see this thing on a single year-end top 10 list. And yet I dont remember there being widespread disappointment with it either. It just sort of came and went without notice. That absolutely baffles me. What, because TV on the Radio aren't a brand new band they dont matter anymore? What did TV on the Radio do to you hipsters? Other than make great music? I never thought this would be a "different" opinion to have, but a TV on the Radio album was my favorite album of the year. Deal with it.
(Oh no...being defensive about unorthodox opinions that go against general mainstream consensus? Maybe now I'm the hipster...)
5. Charlize Theron in Young Adult
Speaking of things that were inexplicably unjustly overlooked...
Now I recognize that this isn't exactly the type of performance that gets nominated for awards. And I'm actually okay with that. But I didn't even feel like it was in the discussion. And maybe that's more to do with what a great year it was for actresses (not a sentence I get to type very often), but it still seems unfair to poor Charlize who really did a remarkable brave thing here. How many actresses of her stature and beauty would be willing to play the part of Mavis Gary as fully comittedly as she did? Its the sort of performance Cameron Diaz often thinks she's giving when really she's always standing slightly outside the character subtly commenting that "no, but really I'm actually an attractive and likable person, this is just a role I'm playing".
Mavis Gary is role that a man wouldn't think twice about playing. It wouldn't even be an issue. Yet so much of the talk around Young Adult seemed to be if people are willing to watch a woman who is so unlikable. And based on box office results the answer is no. And that's why, to me, one Mavis Gary is worth five Bridesmaids. Because for all the talk of what a breakthrough it was, Bridesmaids was basically just a (well done) gender twist on a movie we've all seem 100 times. (Which was really the key to its success.) But a movie about an unlikeable character who doesn't learn anything or change in any way? And also happens to be a woman? Well that's showing us something fresh and new about the human experience. That's expanding the range of roles available to women. And Charlize Thereon pulls it off in a way that I don't think any other actress today could or would. So with all due respect to Viola Davis, Michelle Williams, Brad Pitt, Carey Mulligan, Jessica Chastian, and Janet McTeer, this was my favorite performance of the year.
6. Colbert performs "Friday" on Jimmy Fallon
This is why the Internet was invented.
7. Louie
Not to compare Louie to the Beatles, but here it goes. The Beatles were a group without an established lead singer, and where all members of the group contributed songs that they had written individually. The Beatles are the best group of all time. They revolutionized music. And yet no group I can think of has ever really tried to duplicate that formula and approach. This has always baffled me. In a copycat world, where any successful idea gets ripped off in a thousand different directions, people have tried to copy every aspect of the most successful and popular musical act of all time, EXCEPT FOR THEIR FUNDAMENTAL APPROACH TO MAKING MUSIC.
Which brings us to Louie. Louie was the best show on TV last year. It's probably the most original and idiosyncratic show I've ever seen. It's ostensibly a comedy, but I don't think I laughed one the entire season. It's definitely not a drama, yet it's probably the most moving and heartbreaking and true thing on the air today. It has no precedent and it's not remotely comparable to any other TV show on the air. And its so astronomically better than all of them that it seems unfair to even compare them. It's like its playing a completely different game. In a totally different league. Just like The Beatles.
So will TV executives now start duplicating the approach that makes Louie great - giving money and complete and total creative freedom to incredibly talented people so that they can make a TV show completely by themselves with absolutely no notes or input of any kind? Well...we're still waiting for the next Beatles aren't we?
8. Grantland
Here's what I wrote the day Grantland was launched:
9. The Muppets
Did you know that the best comedy and the best musical of the last five years were both the same movie? And that that movie was a "kids movie"? It's true. Long after the end of the second golden age of Disney, The Muppets came along and outdid them all. Argue all you want nerds about Jim Henson, or Frank Oz, or fidelity to the characters or what have you, but as someone with no particular personal interest or childhood connection to the Muppet universe, if I had had a Best Picture vote I would have seriously considered using it here, as arguably no movie in 2011 did a better job of executing its specific vision than The Muppets.
Did you also know that is was HUGELY out-grossed by The Smurfs?
The children are hereby no longer our future.
10. Beyonce on The Billboard Awards
I hate Beyonce and think that she and the praise given to her and the way that she is viewed by society are the very essence of much of whats wrong with the world, and even I loved this.
More like this please.
12. Tebowmania
The original Linsanity. Linsantity 1.0 if you will. Although the new version is better in every way - more unbelievable, more well-scripted, more uplifting, more culturally resonant, better setting, etc. - Tebowmania shouldn't be ignored.
Whenever something incredible in sports (or to a lesser extent in life) happens the most common refrain you hear is always "it's like out of a movie". And it usually is. Only better. Because in any movie or book or TV show or piece of entertainment anywhere other than sports, you pretty much know whats going to happen. And even if you dont, you know the narrow range of possible outcomes. With Tim Tebow though he could overthrow a wide open receiver by ten yards or he could complete a perfect 80 yard game winning bullet. He could beat the Steel Curtain defense in the playoffs or look barely competent against Kansas City. Sometimes sports make sense. But more often than not they make no sense at all. And that's why we tune in. Because there's no other aspect of life where that is true. Other than life itself.
11. The direction of Drive
If you are ever wondering what difference a good director makes, then you should probably read the screenplay for Drive. Because I imagine its fairly awful. 99% of the time this material is a forgettable B-movie or goes straight to DVD or both. Luckily, Nicolas Winding Refn is the 1%.
Normally I wouldn't be a fan of such a style over substance movie, but HOLY SHIT WHAT STYLE. If making boilerplate material into the most visually iconic movie of the year isn't an example of good directing then I don't know what is.
This is one for the time capsule.
13. World Series, Game 6
You know something was good when I didn't even see it and it made my list. And when it involved the team I was rooting for losing.
So many times in talking about culture, and especially in regards to sports, we rush to declare things The Best Of All Time. Major League Baseball has been around since 1869. In that time hundreds of thousands of games have been played. It's a game all about history and tradition and days gone by. So what are the odds that at this relatively late day a game could occur that could legitmately be considered the Greatest Game Ever Played? (Warning: another Sports As Life metaphor ahead) But that's the thing with baseball - despite what the odds might say, you really just never know.
14. Mayer Hawthorne – How Do You Do
You know those albums where when the first song comes on you think "this is my favorite song on the album" and then the next one comes on and you think "no, THIS is the best song on the album" and so on until the very last song. (No, but really the last song on How Do You Do really is the best. I think.) Well this is one of those albums.
How was Amy Winehouse a huge star, while Mayer Hawthorne has now released two stellar albums in relative obscurity? Maybe sports really are onto something with this whole "life makes no sense most of the time" thing.
15. Breaking Bad
Before we all get carried away let's just all be clear that Breaking Bad is no Wire or Mad Men. It's not really about anything other than the dangers of selling meth (please spare me the college courses on the exploration of relative morality through the character of Walter White, the crisis of conscience, the darkness that lies in all of us, yadda yadda yadda). So while it may not scale the heights of those titans in terms of "importance" it probably beats them both in terms of "being a well made TV show". If you need something to make you think deeply about life, go elsewhere. But if you just want pure entertainment, masterful plotting, great acting, edge of your seat thrills, and can't look away yet MUST LOOK AWAY suspense then there's never been anything better than the latest season of Breaking Bad. Also, don't get involved in the meth trade.
16. The NBA Finals
Hey, remember two sentences ago? When I said "if you just want pure entertainment, masterful plotting, great acting, edge of your seat thrills, and can't look away yet MUST LOOK AWAY suspense then there's never been anything better than the latest season of Breaking Bad"? Well I lied. Because the NBA Finals were better in every way in all of those categories. Every TV writer ever would kill to write something half as good. And half as compelling.
And remember six paragraphs ago? When I said how what makes sports great is their random, chaotic, anything can happen nature? Well I lied there too. Because of their chaotic nature, whats best about sports is actually when they magically somehow find a way to give us EXACTLY what we want: Good vs. Evil. Right vs. Wrong. The original and most primal human drama stripped down to its starkest most black and white terms played out over six games for all the marbles. With the right side winning, order being restored, and justice being served.
I don't think the nation was as united the day after 9/11 as it was during the 2011 NBA Finals. If before the series had started the Mavericks had told the country "we wont win this series unless the budget gets balanced, free health care is given to everyone, and all foreign wars are stopped immediately", then we'd all be living in a utopia right now. As Ive always said, in times of great national crisis its always best to turn to a charismatic German...
17. Kate Upton does the dougie
As someone that also runs a feminist music blog, part of hates to blog about something this Maxim-y, but also, contrary to popular reports, I am human.
I wouldn’t have guessed that this generation’s answer to Marilyn Monroe getting her skirt blown up would be a YouTube video of someone doing a novelty dance craze at a sporting event, but I probably should have. The good folks at Wikipedia should just put this clip and the elevator scene from Drive under the entry for “sex” and be done with it.
Resistance is futile.
18. Parks and Rec – "Fancy Party"
Comparing Parks and Rec, Louie, and Breaking Bad is like comparing apples and pomegranates and meth (Community would be the kiwi in this analogy). But while its hard to say one is better than the other, Parks and Rec is just as groundbreaking and new in its own way. Throughout the history of time there's been one way and one way only a network TV show handles the marriage of two of its main characters: months of build up, mountains of hype, and a hugely publicized episode right in the middle of sweeps. But here's how Parks and Rec handled it: a random understated mid-season episode with no hype or advance notice. Thats right, the evolutionary Office took the Jim and Pam proposal to the next level. And they did the wedding episode itself with their usual truth, humor, and commitment to the reality of the characters and world that they have worked so hard to create.
The Very Special Episode is dead; long live the very special episode.
19. Tree of Life
If you didn't like Tree of Life I'm not going to say we cant be friends. I get that's its not for everyone. And this is a case where I can totally respect opposing viewpoints. If you complain that it was too slow, or boring, or confusing, or strange, I get that, and fine, so be it. But you cant then ever complain that all studios ever make are sequels and remakes and that there are no original ideas and Hollywood is creatively bankrupt and that they don't make movies for adults and why don't they just once not treat us like we're all either 12 year boys or idiots or both. Because Tree of Life is the exact opposite of all of that. It's the antidote to all those ills. And its why in a world where Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the second highest grossing movie of the year I'm Team Malick always and forever.
#occupyHollywood
20. The cast of Happy Endings
After just going on a rant against the laziness and lack of originality in Hollywood, allow me to contradict myself completely by saying that there should be a law requiring some network (possibly even all of them) to remake Friends every 15 years. By taking a hit show and completely remaking it from scratch periodically it can stay fresh and the cast can better reflect the times (a gay "bro"! an interracial couple! a food truck owner! Casey Wilson!). And the "spend half an hour hanging out with hilarious, witty, and extremely likable young people who all seem to genuinely love each other" concept is one that should never go out of style. But if you're going to make that the hook of your show then your casting (like on Friends 1.0) better be impeccable. And on Happy Endings indeed it is. Adam Pally seems to be considered the breakout star from the show, yet I would argue he's only the 4th best member of the cast. But then that seems unfair to him. But also true. But also I don't know. Trying to pick a favorite is a literal Sophie's Choice. By which I mean that trying to decide who is better, Damon Wayans Jr. or Eliza Coupe, is LITERALLY the same as trying to decide which of my two children to save from extermination by the Nazis. (Eliza Coupe for the record). This cast is so good it has even made Elisha Cuthbert funny. Elisha Cuthbert! If you're not watching this show you really should. It's a-MA-zing. (Little inside joke between me and my Friends...)
Let's get started
(Two quick notes:
-Unlike in years past these are not ranked in any way. The order is totally random.
-There are plenty of things I didn’t get the chance to experience but would have probably made the list - Book of Mormon, Bossypants, the Watch the Throne tour, to name a few - so if your favorites arent here don't be outraged. I probably just haven't gotten around to them yet)
----------------------------------------
1. The chorus to “Pumped Up Kicks”
Try to get it out of your head. I dare you.
2. Hot Coffee
This might shock you, so I hope you're sitting down, but there are corporate interests in this country who are pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into keeping you misinformed and uneducated enough to vote against your own best interests. And politicians are involved in this "conspiracy" as well. Who ever heard of such a terrible thing!
This superb HBO documentary about the woman who sued McDonalds for her coffee being too hot, but really about the entire issue of tort reform, did the exact thing that all documentaries strive to do - educated and impassioned me about a very important issue that I previously knew almost nothing about. And what little I did know was completely wrong. For example, that lady who sued McDonalds for her coffee being too hot - not only was her lawsuit not frivolous, but she deserved every penny. And then some.
If you want to be outraged and learn how totally fucked you already are right now at this very moment without even realizing it, then I urge you strongly to watch Hot Coffee. It's like a jolt of hot liquid to the crotch.
(Sorry. I had to.)
3. Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes
In an age when even "reality" is scripted, the chance to turn on an event as normally staid as an awards show and see something clearly unplanned, unscripted, and real is a monumental event. Its what we're often promised but NEVER receive. And for once we actually did. Were the jokes actually that good or edgy? Not really. But it wasn't about the jokes themselves per se, it was about the fact that he was telling them. We live in a world where everyone is so petrified of saying anything even remotely controversial or doing anything that isn't carefully choreographed and planned by a phalanx of PR people first, so the simple act of not giving a fuck felt like a revolutionary act. And sure he couldn't, or wouldn't, follow it up. But for a brief shining moment it seemed like maybe we were headed for a future where people said real things to people's faces in public.
It was fun while it lasted.
4. TV on the Radio - Nine Types of Light
I'm going to say something wildly controversial here: sometimes hipsters make no sense.
Hipsters used to love TV on the Radio. They were THE hipster band. Now they make what is, to my ears, their best album and it gets almost no love whatsoever? I mean I didn't see this thing on a single year-end top 10 list. And yet I dont remember there being widespread disappointment with it either. It just sort of came and went without notice. That absolutely baffles me. What, because TV on the Radio aren't a brand new band they dont matter anymore? What did TV on the Radio do to you hipsters? Other than make great music? I never thought this would be a "different" opinion to have, but a TV on the Radio album was my favorite album of the year. Deal with it.
(Oh no...being defensive about unorthodox opinions that go against general mainstream consensus? Maybe now I'm the hipster...)
5. Charlize Theron in Young Adult
Speaking of things that were inexplicably unjustly overlooked...
Now I recognize that this isn't exactly the type of performance that gets nominated for awards. And I'm actually okay with that. But I didn't even feel like it was in the discussion. And maybe that's more to do with what a great year it was for actresses (not a sentence I get to type very often), but it still seems unfair to poor Charlize who really did a remarkable brave thing here. How many actresses of her stature and beauty would be willing to play the part of Mavis Gary as fully comittedly as she did? Its the sort of performance Cameron Diaz often thinks she's giving when really she's always standing slightly outside the character subtly commenting that "no, but really I'm actually an attractive and likable person, this is just a role I'm playing".
Mavis Gary is role that a man wouldn't think twice about playing. It wouldn't even be an issue. Yet so much of the talk around Young Adult seemed to be if people are willing to watch a woman who is so unlikable. And based on box office results the answer is no. And that's why, to me, one Mavis Gary is worth five Bridesmaids. Because for all the talk of what a breakthrough it was, Bridesmaids was basically just a (well done) gender twist on a movie we've all seem 100 times. (Which was really the key to its success.) But a movie about an unlikeable character who doesn't learn anything or change in any way? And also happens to be a woman? Well that's showing us something fresh and new about the human experience. That's expanding the range of roles available to women. And Charlize Thereon pulls it off in a way that I don't think any other actress today could or would. So with all due respect to Viola Davis, Michelle Williams, Brad Pitt, Carey Mulligan, Jessica Chastian, and Janet McTeer, this was my favorite performance of the year.
6. Colbert performs "Friday" on Jimmy Fallon
This is why the Internet was invented.
7. Louie
Not to compare Louie to the Beatles, but here it goes. The Beatles were a group without an established lead singer, and where all members of the group contributed songs that they had written individually. The Beatles are the best group of all time. They revolutionized music. And yet no group I can think of has ever really tried to duplicate that formula and approach. This has always baffled me. In a copycat world, where any successful idea gets ripped off in a thousand different directions, people have tried to copy every aspect of the most successful and popular musical act of all time, EXCEPT FOR THEIR FUNDAMENTAL APPROACH TO MAKING MUSIC.
Which brings us to Louie. Louie was the best show on TV last year. It's probably the most original and idiosyncratic show I've ever seen. It's ostensibly a comedy, but I don't think I laughed one the entire season. It's definitely not a drama, yet it's probably the most moving and heartbreaking and true thing on the air today. It has no precedent and it's not remotely comparable to any other TV show on the air. And its so astronomically better than all of them that it seems unfair to even compare them. It's like its playing a completely different game. In a totally different league. Just like The Beatles.
So will TV executives now start duplicating the approach that makes Louie great - giving money and complete and total creative freedom to incredibly talented people so that they can make a TV show completely by themselves with absolutely no notes or input of any kind? Well...we're still waiting for the next Beatles aren't we?
8. Grantland
Here's what I wrote the day Grantland was launched:
"I am convinced that Grantland is the result of someone scanning my brain to determine the answer to the question, “hey you, if you could create your dream website from scratch what would it be like and who would write for it?” Because The Dream Team aint got shit on Grantland. In fact The Dream Team might have to turn over rights to their moniker. I mean look at this lineup: Bill Simmons, Chuck Klosterman, Dave Eggers, Mark Harris, Katie Baker, Molly Lambert of This Recording, Lane Brown of NY Mag’s Vulture blog, Malcom Gladwell of Malcom Gladwell fame. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg
Now I finally know what God was up to on the 8th day.
Well, goodbye productivity, it’s been fun. And goodbye entire rest of the internet. If you need me, I’ll be at Grantland.com."Eight months later and that all still holds true. The only thing I would add is that Mark Harris' ongoing Oscarmetrics feature is probably the best thing in the history of the written word. So, you know, suck it Bible.
9. The Muppets
Did you know that the best comedy and the best musical of the last five years were both the same movie? And that that movie was a "kids movie"? It's true. Long after the end of the second golden age of Disney, The Muppets came along and outdid them all. Argue all you want nerds about Jim Henson, or Frank Oz, or fidelity to the characters or what have you, but as someone with no particular personal interest or childhood connection to the Muppet universe, if I had had a Best Picture vote I would have seriously considered using it here, as arguably no movie in 2011 did a better job of executing its specific vision than The Muppets.
Did you also know that is was HUGELY out-grossed by The Smurfs?
The children are hereby no longer our future.
10. Beyonce on The Billboard Awards
I hate Beyonce and think that she and the praise given to her and the way that she is viewed by society are the very essence of much of whats wrong with the world, and even I loved this.
More like this please.
12. Tebowmania
The original Linsanity. Linsantity 1.0 if you will. Although the new version is better in every way - more unbelievable, more well-scripted, more uplifting, more culturally resonant, better setting, etc. - Tebowmania shouldn't be ignored.
Whenever something incredible in sports (or to a lesser extent in life) happens the most common refrain you hear is always "it's like out of a movie". And it usually is. Only better. Because in any movie or book or TV show or piece of entertainment anywhere other than sports, you pretty much know whats going to happen. And even if you dont, you know the narrow range of possible outcomes. With Tim Tebow though he could overthrow a wide open receiver by ten yards or he could complete a perfect 80 yard game winning bullet. He could beat the Steel Curtain defense in the playoffs or look barely competent against Kansas City. Sometimes sports make sense. But more often than not they make no sense at all. And that's why we tune in. Because there's no other aspect of life where that is true. Other than life itself.
11. The direction of Drive
If you are ever wondering what difference a good director makes, then you should probably read the screenplay for Drive. Because I imagine its fairly awful. 99% of the time this material is a forgettable B-movie or goes straight to DVD or both. Luckily, Nicolas Winding Refn is the 1%.
Normally I wouldn't be a fan of such a style over substance movie, but HOLY SHIT WHAT STYLE. If making boilerplate material into the most visually iconic movie of the year isn't an example of good directing then I don't know what is.
This is one for the time capsule.
13. World Series, Game 6
You know something was good when I didn't even see it and it made my list. And when it involved the team I was rooting for losing.
So many times in talking about culture, and especially in regards to sports, we rush to declare things The Best Of All Time. Major League Baseball has been around since 1869. In that time hundreds of thousands of games have been played. It's a game all about history and tradition and days gone by. So what are the odds that at this relatively late day a game could occur that could legitmately be considered the Greatest Game Ever Played? (Warning: another Sports As Life metaphor ahead) But that's the thing with baseball - despite what the odds might say, you really just never know.
14. Mayer Hawthorne – How Do You Do
You know those albums where when the first song comes on you think "this is my favorite song on the album" and then the next one comes on and you think "no, THIS is the best song on the album" and so on until the very last song. (No, but really the last song on How Do You Do really is the best. I think.) Well this is one of those albums.
How was Amy Winehouse a huge star, while Mayer Hawthorne has now released two stellar albums in relative obscurity? Maybe sports really are onto something with this whole "life makes no sense most of the time" thing.
15. Breaking Bad
Before we all get carried away let's just all be clear that Breaking Bad is no Wire or Mad Men. It's not really about anything other than the dangers of selling meth (please spare me the college courses on the exploration of relative morality through the character of Walter White, the crisis of conscience, the darkness that lies in all of us, yadda yadda yadda). So while it may not scale the heights of those titans in terms of "importance" it probably beats them both in terms of "being a well made TV show". If you need something to make you think deeply about life, go elsewhere. But if you just want pure entertainment, masterful plotting, great acting, edge of your seat thrills, and can't look away yet MUST LOOK AWAY suspense then there's never been anything better than the latest season of Breaking Bad. Also, don't get involved in the meth trade.
16. The NBA Finals
Hey, remember two sentences ago? When I said "if you just want pure entertainment, masterful plotting, great acting, edge of your seat thrills, and can't look away yet MUST LOOK AWAY suspense then there's never been anything better than the latest season of Breaking Bad"? Well I lied. Because the NBA Finals were better in every way in all of those categories. Every TV writer ever would kill to write something half as good. And half as compelling.
And remember six paragraphs ago? When I said how what makes sports great is their random, chaotic, anything can happen nature? Well I lied there too. Because of their chaotic nature, whats best about sports is actually when they magically somehow find a way to give us EXACTLY what we want: Good vs. Evil. Right vs. Wrong. The original and most primal human drama stripped down to its starkest most black and white terms played out over six games for all the marbles. With the right side winning, order being restored, and justice being served.
I don't think the nation was as united the day after 9/11 as it was during the 2011 NBA Finals. If before the series had started the Mavericks had told the country "we wont win this series unless the budget gets balanced, free health care is given to everyone, and all foreign wars are stopped immediately", then we'd all be living in a utopia right now. As Ive always said, in times of great national crisis its always best to turn to a charismatic German...
17. Kate Upton does the dougie
As someone that also runs a feminist music blog, part of hates to blog about something this Maxim-y, but also, contrary to popular reports, I am human.
I wouldn’t have guessed that this generation’s answer to Marilyn Monroe getting her skirt blown up would be a YouTube video of someone doing a novelty dance craze at a sporting event, but I probably should have. The good folks at Wikipedia should just put this clip and the elevator scene from Drive under the entry for “sex” and be done with it.
Resistance is futile.
18. Parks and Rec – "Fancy Party"
Comparing Parks and Rec, Louie, and Breaking Bad is like comparing apples and pomegranates and meth (Community would be the kiwi in this analogy). But while its hard to say one is better than the other, Parks and Rec is just as groundbreaking and new in its own way. Throughout the history of time there's been one way and one way only a network TV show handles the marriage of two of its main characters: months of build up, mountains of hype, and a hugely publicized episode right in the middle of sweeps. But here's how Parks and Rec handled it: a random understated mid-season episode with no hype or advance notice. Thats right, the evolutionary Office took the Jim and Pam proposal to the next level. And they did the wedding episode itself with their usual truth, humor, and commitment to the reality of the characters and world that they have worked so hard to create.
The Very Special Episode is dead; long live the very special episode.
19. Tree of Life
If you didn't like Tree of Life I'm not going to say we cant be friends. I get that's its not for everyone. And this is a case where I can totally respect opposing viewpoints. If you complain that it was too slow, or boring, or confusing, or strange, I get that, and fine, so be it. But you cant then ever complain that all studios ever make are sequels and remakes and that there are no original ideas and Hollywood is creatively bankrupt and that they don't make movies for adults and why don't they just once not treat us like we're all either 12 year boys or idiots or both. Because Tree of Life is the exact opposite of all of that. It's the antidote to all those ills. And its why in a world where Transformers: Dark of the Moon is the second highest grossing movie of the year I'm Team Malick always and forever.
#occupyHollywood
20. The cast of Happy Endings
After just going on a rant against the laziness and lack of originality in Hollywood, allow me to contradict myself completely by saying that there should be a law requiring some network (possibly even all of them) to remake Friends every 15 years. By taking a hit show and completely remaking it from scratch periodically it can stay fresh and the cast can better reflect the times (a gay "bro"! an interracial couple! a food truck owner! Casey Wilson!). And the "spend half an hour hanging out with hilarious, witty, and extremely likable young people who all seem to genuinely love each other" concept is one that should never go out of style. But if you're going to make that the hook of your show then your casting (like on Friends 1.0) better be impeccable. And on Happy Endings indeed it is. Adam Pally seems to be considered the breakout star from the show, yet I would argue he's only the 4th best member of the cast. But then that seems unfair to him. But also true. But also I don't know. Trying to pick a favorite is a literal Sophie's Choice. By which I mean that trying to decide who is better, Damon Wayans Jr. or Eliza Coupe, is LITERALLY the same as trying to decide which of my two children to save from extermination by the Nazis. (Eliza Coupe for the record). This cast is so good it has even made Elisha Cuthbert funny. Elisha Cuthbert! If you're not watching this show you really should. It's a-MA-zing. (Little inside joke between me and my Friends...)
Monday, February 13, 2012
The 2012 Adele's
As someone who can vividly recall every Grammys ceremony since 1997, I don't know if theres ever been a less suspenseful telecast than this year (except perhaps the year of the Santana sweep). And as the last living American who actually cares about the results of the Grammy Awards it felt good. Two years in a row now the Grammys have (very arguably) chosen the actual best album of the year for Album of the Year. Leaving aside the fact that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy wasn't even nominated for Album of the Year (which is a whole other issue, but that's for another time), it might actually be starting to seem like there is some sort of internal logic to the Grammys. Or I could be slowly going insane. But the very first time I heard 21 I thought "this will win a shit ton of Grammys". And it did! And that was true in nearly every category this year. The most obvious Grammy-friendly nominee wound up winning almost every time. And the fact that many of them were actually the most deserving nominees was an extra bonus.
But ultimately it doesn't matter.
Because the Grammys have always been the anti-Oscars. No cares about the awards; we all just watch for the entertainment value of the show itself. When talking about the Grammys it's never about who won or lost but how they played the game. "The game" of course being "performing great live musical numbers". And this year, they played (mostly) great as always. But before moving on to thoughts on each of the night's performances there are a few stray comments I had:
-LL Cool J was totally useful and necessary
-I'm really curious to see how the ratings are for this year's show because I feel like with Whitney Houston's death they could be off the charts. If you have to die (and we all do) I think we've now learned that the absolute best time to do it is the day before your industry's biggest awards show. Although I do wonder how things would have been different if she had died the SAME DAY as The Grammys. That would have been insane. And here I am looking at a human life and a great tragedy solely through the lens of how it effects a meaningless awards show. But one of my first thoughts when I heard the news of her death was, "well, I guess we know who is getting the final slot in the death montage tomorrow night". Which is awful. And also human.
Welcome to perspective in the age of twitter.
On a related note...
-Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt what were you DOING?!? Singing a tribute song that’s not by Whitney Houston??? Who is this Etta James person? Did she just die yesterday? I don’t think so! So why are you honoring her? How could Neil Portnow let this happen?
-Kanye is not at The Grammys??? That’s like Taylor Swift not being at the Country Music Awards. Is it some kind of protest? Yes everyone would agree he got egregiously shafted this year. And yes it must especially hurt since MBDTF was clearly designed specifically to win awards and critical approval. But even Stevie Wonder and Norah Jones collaborating on a Paul Simon tribute album released two days before he died in a terrible car accident wasn’t beating Adele this year so who really cares?
So where were you Kanye? Don’t even try to act like you had something better to do. A nation (specifically me) demands answers!
-In the upset of the evening, Adele’s speaking voice is even better than her singing voice! She should give speeches always. I havent enjoyed a person's Britishness that much since Amy Winehouse won Record of the Year for "Rehab". (BTW, gold star to whoever decided to sit Adele literally 3 steps from the stage)
-Text of the Night: (from my friend Chris on the strangeness of the Grammys) “George Strait and Taylor Swift in the same category makes me uncomfortable. It’s like having Shakespeare and Neil LaBute in the same category.”
(And if you don’t know who is Shakespeare and who is Neil LaBute in that analogy, then clearly you didn’t grow up in Texas)
Alright, on to the show. In chronological order:
Bruce Springsteen
This was a Bruce Springsteen song. It sounded like a Bruce Springsteen song. Bruce Springsteen performed it exactly the way Bruce Springsteen performs songs.
Bruce Springsteen.
Bruno Mars
I think Bruno Mars should only ever perform on Grammy Awards telecasts. Based on my experience of Bruno Mars in non-Grammy contexts he's a disposable performer of cheesy, bland, personality-less songs. Based on my experiences of him at the Grammys the past two years he's a person who brings the charisma of 1,000 suns to his high energy performances of awesome retro-soul jams. One of these two realities is not right. And I have no idea which.
Chris Brown
Don’t know why people were upset about Chris Brown performing. Pretty sure he didn’t beat any women TODAY. He did however rape my memories of playing Q-Bert surrounded by men wearing surgical masks. Which really are my some of my fondest memories.
I could come up with other thoughts on this performance but Chris Brown isn’t worth it. If he had beaten Taylor Swift he’d be in jail right now. Let’s move on.
Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson
BATHROOM BREAK!
Foo Fighters
Not the Foo Fighters best song obviously, but a pretty great performance. Dave Grohl always makes me wish I had chosen “rock n’ roll” as a profession. Also, nice to see that long hair is still around. It’s fun to watch it being whipped around.
All that being said though, no matter how many Grammys they win or great performances they give I will always consider The Foo Fighters failures until the day when they finally defeat Foo.
Rihanna & Coldplay
Wow, not a good Grammys so far for epileptics. A good Grammys however for Olivia Newton-John’s "Physical"-era fashion sense.
Some questions:
If you're a Los Angeles-based hip-hop dancer and you weren’t employed in that "We Found Love" routine is it officially time to hang it up?
Is it a bad thing that the lead singer of arguably the biggest band in the world is terrible at singing live?
Is it bad that a Chipotle commercial just did a better job of presenting Coldplay’s music than Coldplay did?
Is Chris Martin on the Mucaulay Culkin diet?
Lastly, I’m a big Coldplay fan so I say this with love, but here are some things that they should maybe never ever again reference in any of their songs:
-rainbows
-teardrops
-waterfalls
-butterflies
The Beach Boys
(I preface this all, like the last one, by saying I’m a HUGE Beach Boys fan. Pet Sounds is a desert island album for me and I’d put their 70's stuff up against anything. Seriously, check out Sunflower.)
I don’t usually watch CBS but I assume that their programming is normally just that Beach Boys reunion performance on a loop. It's the exact opposite of the dance music performance that’s coming up. I never thought a song usually in the discussion for Greatest Song of All Time could sound so placid.
Also, my mom texted before the performance to ask how many of the Beach Boys are still alive? Is it safe to now say technically none of them? And how long do you think it will take Madame Tussauds to get their Brian Wilson wax figure back?
Paul McCartney (1st Performance)
John Lennon is glad he’s dead
Taylor Swift
I am an unabashed Taylor Swift fan. I thought she was great. I liked the presentation. I like the song. And I’m thrilled to see her growing into a confident and exciting live performer. Which is important because she will be performing on the Grammys every year from now until the end of time.
Good job.
Katy Perry
Thought that was definitely one of the best performances of a song about having sex with an alien that Ive ever seen at the Grammys. When she switched over to the stuff with the fire and the shattering glass I got a little confused, but hey, a new Katy Perry song! That's all I really need out of life. (No really, it is.)
Adele
I think people have treated appearances by the Pope with less reverence than I treated that Adele performance. Watching Adele sing is like watching Meryl Streep do a monologue. Whitney Houston only died because she finally felt confident that she had an acceptable new host body. Give Adele all the awards ever. (Oh, you were already planning on it? Okay, carry on then…)
Glen Campbell Tribute
That was nice. I’m glad they did it. My emotional reaction to it probably had more to do with my deep-seated fear of Alzheimer’s than the performance itself, but whatever. Still nice.
And hey, remember that time Jon Lovitz hilariously had the DJ play “Rhinestone Cowboy” at the school dance in High School High? Yeah…neither do I…
Neil Portnow
NEIL FUCKING PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not quite enough on how downloading music will lead to the downfall of civilization this year, but who cares??? With his body of work that’s like complaining that Bob Dylan’s new stuff isn’t as good as the classics. It’s still Neil Portnow!!!!
Oh Neil Portnow, never change.
(On a side note, are we all entirely sure that Neil Portnow wasn’t at the Beverly Hilton Saturday afternoon…?)
Whitney Houston Tribute
Barely a day’s notice to prepare for singing a tribute to the greatest vocal performance of all time? And you absolutely nail it? That’s some fucking lady balls (ovaries?) right there Jennifer Hudson. Mad props.
Dance Music Thing
Dance music has been on The Grammys on CBS, so we can all be done with it now, right kids?
To get semi-serious for a minute, one of the questions I’ve always had is what sort of insane music our kids would have to listen to in order to piss us off. I mean we’re a generation that knows all the words to Tupac’s “Hit Em Up”, a song that begins “That’s why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker” and then goes downhill (uphill?) from there. Well, we finally have our answer. Because I’ve never felt older in my life than the first time I heard (the Grammy winning!!!) “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites”. (I still feel genuinely scarred by the experience.) And basically the only thought I had during this whole dance music tribute thingy was “I am very old and very scared”. Also, “that mouse head seems very unsafe”.
(But seriously though, what did the Foo Fighters playing “Rope” have to do with dance music? I demand logic from my nonsense!)
Nicki Minaj
Nicki has taken all of Gaga’s style but none of her substance. I love Gaga, but I really hope this is not what she hath wrought. I’m sure the Grammys let Nicki Minaj go second to last in the show because she promised them controversy, but really, it was just predictable and boring. I’ve seen train wrecks that were better conceived than that.
Nicki is somehow the exact opposite of nearly every other successful mainstream hip hop artist in that her actual rapping ability is inversely proportional to the quality of her music instead of the other way around. And unfortunately that doesn’t appear to be changing any time soon.
Oh well, we’ll always have “Monster”
Paul McCartney (2nd Performance)
Needed more guitar.
No but seriously, how great was that? The only thing that would have made it better was if he had capped it off with "Her Majesty". But then again (like all people worth knowing) I’m a huge Beatles nerd.
(And speaking of being a Beatles nerd, is it safe at this point to declare Paul’s longtime backing drummer as the 5th Beatle? Because that guy is awesome. And if so, I should probably learn his name. Especially since he’s basically a member my family at this point)
Anyway, great way to close the show as that’s exactly why we tune into the Grammys. For reminding us that despite the awards they give out honoring the best in music, that music can infact still be the best.
Can't wait for next year.
But ultimately it doesn't matter.
Because the Grammys have always been the anti-Oscars. No cares about the awards; we all just watch for the entertainment value of the show itself. When talking about the Grammys it's never about who won or lost but how they played the game. "The game" of course being "performing great live musical numbers". And this year, they played (mostly) great as always. But before moving on to thoughts on each of the night's performances there are a few stray comments I had:
-LL Cool J was totally useful and necessary
-I'm really curious to see how the ratings are for this year's show because I feel like with Whitney Houston's death they could be off the charts. If you have to die (and we all do) I think we've now learned that the absolute best time to do it is the day before your industry's biggest awards show. Although I do wonder how things would have been different if she had died the SAME DAY as The Grammys. That would have been insane. And here I am looking at a human life and a great tragedy solely through the lens of how it effects a meaningless awards show. But one of my first thoughts when I heard the news of her death was, "well, I guess we know who is getting the final slot in the death montage tomorrow night". Which is awful. And also human.
Welcome to perspective in the age of twitter.
On a related note...
-Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt what were you DOING?!? Singing a tribute song that’s not by Whitney Houston??? Who is this Etta James person? Did she just die yesterday? I don’t think so! So why are you honoring her? How could Neil Portnow let this happen?
-Kanye is not at The Grammys??? That’s like Taylor Swift not being at the Country Music Awards. Is it some kind of protest? Yes everyone would agree he got egregiously shafted this year. And yes it must especially hurt since MBDTF was clearly designed specifically to win awards and critical approval. But even Stevie Wonder and Norah Jones collaborating on a Paul Simon tribute album released two days before he died in a terrible car accident wasn’t beating Adele this year so who really cares?
So where were you Kanye? Don’t even try to act like you had something better to do. A nation (specifically me) demands answers!
-In the upset of the evening, Adele’s speaking voice is even better than her singing voice! She should give speeches always. I havent enjoyed a person's Britishness that much since Amy Winehouse won Record of the Year for "Rehab". (BTW, gold star to whoever decided to sit Adele literally 3 steps from the stage)
-Text of the Night: (from my friend Chris on the strangeness of the Grammys) “George Strait and Taylor Swift in the same category makes me uncomfortable. It’s like having Shakespeare and Neil LaBute in the same category.”
(And if you don’t know who is Shakespeare and who is Neil LaBute in that analogy, then clearly you didn’t grow up in Texas)
Alright, on to the show. In chronological order:
Bruce Springsteen
This was a Bruce Springsteen song. It sounded like a Bruce Springsteen song. Bruce Springsteen performed it exactly the way Bruce Springsteen performs songs.
Bruce Springsteen.
Bruno Mars
I think Bruno Mars should only ever perform on Grammy Awards telecasts. Based on my experience of Bruno Mars in non-Grammy contexts he's a disposable performer of cheesy, bland, personality-less songs. Based on my experiences of him at the Grammys the past two years he's a person who brings the charisma of 1,000 suns to his high energy performances of awesome retro-soul jams. One of these two realities is not right. And I have no idea which.
Chris Brown
Don’t know why people were upset about Chris Brown performing. Pretty sure he didn’t beat any women TODAY. He did however rape my memories of playing Q-Bert surrounded by men wearing surgical masks. Which really are my some of my fondest memories.
I could come up with other thoughts on this performance but Chris Brown isn’t worth it. If he had beaten Taylor Swift he’d be in jail right now. Let’s move on.
Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson
BATHROOM BREAK!
Foo Fighters
Not the Foo Fighters best song obviously, but a pretty great performance. Dave Grohl always makes me wish I had chosen “rock n’ roll” as a profession. Also, nice to see that long hair is still around. It’s fun to watch it being whipped around.
All that being said though, no matter how many Grammys they win or great performances they give I will always consider The Foo Fighters failures until the day when they finally defeat Foo.
Rihanna & Coldplay
Wow, not a good Grammys so far for epileptics. A good Grammys however for Olivia Newton-John’s "Physical"-era fashion sense.
Some questions:
If you're a Los Angeles-based hip-hop dancer and you weren’t employed in that "We Found Love" routine is it officially time to hang it up?
Is it a bad thing that the lead singer of arguably the biggest band in the world is terrible at singing live?
Is it bad that a Chipotle commercial just did a better job of presenting Coldplay’s music than Coldplay did?
Is Chris Martin on the Mucaulay Culkin diet?
Lastly, I’m a big Coldplay fan so I say this with love, but here are some things that they should maybe never ever again reference in any of their songs:
-rainbows
-teardrops
-waterfalls
-butterflies
The Beach Boys
(I preface this all, like the last one, by saying I’m a HUGE Beach Boys fan. Pet Sounds is a desert island album for me and I’d put their 70's stuff up against anything. Seriously, check out Sunflower.)
I don’t usually watch CBS but I assume that their programming is normally just that Beach Boys reunion performance on a loop. It's the exact opposite of the dance music performance that’s coming up. I never thought a song usually in the discussion for Greatest Song of All Time could sound so placid.
Also, my mom texted before the performance to ask how many of the Beach Boys are still alive? Is it safe to now say technically none of them? And how long do you think it will take Madame Tussauds to get their Brian Wilson wax figure back?
Paul McCartney (1st Performance)
John Lennon is glad he’s dead
Taylor Swift
I am an unabashed Taylor Swift fan. I thought she was great. I liked the presentation. I like the song. And I’m thrilled to see her growing into a confident and exciting live performer. Which is important because she will be performing on the Grammys every year from now until the end of time.
Good job.
Katy Perry
Thought that was definitely one of the best performances of a song about having sex with an alien that Ive ever seen at the Grammys. When she switched over to the stuff with the fire and the shattering glass I got a little confused, but hey, a new Katy Perry song! That's all I really need out of life. (No really, it is.)
Adele
I think people have treated appearances by the Pope with less reverence than I treated that Adele performance. Watching Adele sing is like watching Meryl Streep do a monologue. Whitney Houston only died because she finally felt confident that she had an acceptable new host body. Give Adele all the awards ever. (Oh, you were already planning on it? Okay, carry on then…)
Glen Campbell Tribute
That was nice. I’m glad they did it. My emotional reaction to it probably had more to do with my deep-seated fear of Alzheimer’s than the performance itself, but whatever. Still nice.
And hey, remember that time Jon Lovitz hilariously had the DJ play “Rhinestone Cowboy” at the school dance in High School High? Yeah…neither do I…
Neil Portnow
NEIL FUCKING PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not quite enough on how downloading music will lead to the downfall of civilization this year, but who cares??? With his body of work that’s like complaining that Bob Dylan’s new stuff isn’t as good as the classics. It’s still Neil Portnow!!!!
Oh Neil Portnow, never change.
(On a side note, are we all entirely sure that Neil Portnow wasn’t at the Beverly Hilton Saturday afternoon…?)
Whitney Houston Tribute
Barely a day’s notice to prepare for singing a tribute to the greatest vocal performance of all time? And you absolutely nail it? That’s some fucking lady balls (ovaries?) right there Jennifer Hudson. Mad props.
Dance Music Thing
Dance music has been on The Grammys on CBS, so we can all be done with it now, right kids?
To get semi-serious for a minute, one of the questions I’ve always had is what sort of insane music our kids would have to listen to in order to piss us off. I mean we’re a generation that knows all the words to Tupac’s “Hit Em Up”, a song that begins “That’s why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker” and then goes downhill (uphill?) from there. Well, we finally have our answer. Because I’ve never felt older in my life than the first time I heard (the Grammy winning!!!) “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites”. (I still feel genuinely scarred by the experience.) And basically the only thought I had during this whole dance music tribute thingy was “I am very old and very scared”. Also, “that mouse head seems very unsafe”.
(But seriously though, what did the Foo Fighters playing “Rope” have to do with dance music? I demand logic from my nonsense!)
Nicki Minaj
Nicki has taken all of Gaga’s style but none of her substance. I love Gaga, but I really hope this is not what she hath wrought. I’m sure the Grammys let Nicki Minaj go second to last in the show because she promised them controversy, but really, it was just predictable and boring. I’ve seen train wrecks that were better conceived than that.
Nicki is somehow the exact opposite of nearly every other successful mainstream hip hop artist in that her actual rapping ability is inversely proportional to the quality of her music instead of the other way around. And unfortunately that doesn’t appear to be changing any time soon.
Oh well, we’ll always have “Monster”
Paul McCartney (2nd Performance)
Needed more guitar.
No but seriously, how great was that? The only thing that would have made it better was if he had capped it off with "Her Majesty". But then again (like all people worth knowing) I’m a huge Beatles nerd.
(And speaking of being a Beatles nerd, is it safe at this point to declare Paul’s longtime backing drummer as the 5th Beatle? Because that guy is awesome. And if so, I should probably learn his name. Especially since he’s basically a member my family at this point)
Anyway, great way to close the show as that’s exactly why we tune into the Grammys. For reminding us that despite the awards they give out honoring the best in music, that music can infact still be the best.
Can't wait for next year.
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