It seems like every year Christmas becomes more and more about buying presents, seeing old friends, and generally making merry than it does about reflecting on the true “reason for the season”. And so this year before you get too carried away with acting like Christmas is just some huge birthday party, stop to think about how it's actually…umm…well…oh shut up, you get the point. And the point is that Christmas is all about Jesus. No not the guy that mows your lawn. Another Jesus. One who lived a long time ago. Back when Jesus was still a Jewish name. I’m talking of course about Jesus Christ.
(It’s a good thing Jesus Christ never had any kids. If you think being the child of a celebrity is hard, imagine if your last name was Christ. Apple Martin would have nothing on little Tommy Christ.)
As everyone knows, Jesus Christ was the main character of a very popular book called The Bible. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it and are going to hell, it’s the sequel to the hugely successful Torah. It tells the story of Jesus from his illegitimate birth to his bloody death by forced asphyxiation for radical anti-government activities. It’s fun reading for the whole family! In between his birth and death he hung out with murderers, lived with lepers, and befriended prostitutes. So clearly the question we should be asking then is, what WOULND’T Jesus do? Well I know a few things he wouldn’t do would include wearing an outfit that looked like a dress, get kissed by another man, or inviting other dudes to “eat his body” because that would be totally gay.
And Jesus hates gay people.
Speaking of Tom Cruise, him and Jesus were actually similar in many ways. Mainly the fact that they both promoted wacky fringe religions. (But also, Jesus, like, totally loves Katie Holmes.) But instead of promoting a wacky fringe religion created by a fiction writer that had some vague connection to science, Jesus went in a much more credible direction. He founded his own religion. And he named it Christianity. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? In his religion he proposed that if you do good works you go to heaven. Also, if someone decides to work on a Sunday you can stone them to death (Exodus 35:2). You can see why it caught on so big. People really responded to the ideas Jesus promoted, especially the stuff about befriending prostitutes and starting wars with Iraq. And so Christianity soon became the official religion of America. And that, boys and girls, is the story of why we celebrate Christmas.
So this year stop with the plunging yourself into massive credit card debt buying presents, drinking heavily, and contemplating suicide, and embrace the true spirit of Christmas by finding the nearest cheap syphilis ridden whore and telling her that you love her.
After all, it’s what Jesus did.
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A Running Diary of My Thoughts During the Transit Strike
While walking from home (96th & 1st) to work (44th & Broadway) - Day 1: Wow, this is great! What a fun invigorating way to start the day. Look at all the people out on the streets. I like people. They are nice. So is walking. I should really do this more often. Thank God for the strike or else I would never be having this wonderful experience!
While walking from work to home - Day 1: It’s a little colder than it was this morning but this is still nice I guess. Hey stop shoving me! Stupid people. Sometimes I really hate New Yorkers. I’m really hungry. This is kind of taking a while. Wow, my feet are starting to hurt…
While walking from home to work - Day 2: I have to do THIS again? And why does it have to be so fucking cold? Hey get out of my way fucking people! Geeze, I really hate people. Especially fucking decrepit old people. And kids. Oh man, kids are the slowest. Why whenever I’m in a hurry do I always get stuck behind a kid? I mean I know their legs are short and all, but geeze, I mean, come on already. People got places to be. Sorry you’re lazy and don’t do anything with your life except color and poop all day but some of us around here have places to be because WE are productive members of society. Oh my fucking god! How has it only been 10 blocks?!? I feel like I’ve been walking for like an hour! My feet are about ready to kill a bitch.
While walking from work to home – Day 2: Are you fucking kidding me? I have to walk all that way AGAIN?!? I am seriously going to find the MTA and STAB THEM IN THE FACE WITH A SPEAR. This is absolutely ridiculous. Look at all these goddamn people too! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY YOU IDIOT!! Oh man, in about 5 more blocks my body is gong to literally collapse. Fuck this shit. TAXI!!!!!
While walking from home to work – Day 3: (Shoots self in face)
The End
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Top 3 & 1/2 Celebrity Christmas Present Suggestions of the Week
1.) Beyonce – Shit from Wal Mart
2.) P Diddy and Ginuwine featuring Loon and Mario Winans – A girl part 2
3.) Skee Lo – A rabbit in a hat with a bat. Or a girl who looks good so that then he can call her. Or growth pills.
3 & 1/2.) Mariah Carey – You
Thought of the Week: In closing Id just like to say that with all that’s going on in the city and in the world its nice to know that this time of year there is something that brings us all a little closer and makes us feel warmer towards our fellow man. That each year t this time there is something to remind us what is truly important in life - family, friends, and a glass shattering falsetto. I’m talking of course about Mariah Carey's Christmas album. Because while it may be impossible to come to a universal consensus about anything else these days, I think we can all agree that Mariah Carey's Christmas album is the greatest Christmas album of all time. And that hereby concludes the only positive thing I will ever say about Mariah Carey in my life. I would now usually proceed to make a Mariah Carey joke here but I’m currently saving them all for the Grammys. Just you wait…
(Also although this is only tangentially related to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, does anyone know who the hell Parson Brown is? Or why someone would think Christmas time was the correct season of the year to tell scary ghost stories? I mean tales of old glories of Christmases long, long ago I can understand, but scary ghost stories? Who does that at Christmas time?)
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Thoughts Had While Traveling
While waiting to try and find time to finish my West Wing article and some other stuff I’ve been working on, I thought I would share with you a sort of running journal I kept of my thoughts before, during, and after my recently post-Thanksgiving flight from Houston to New York. Because I know America has been clamoring for of running journal of my thoughts before, during, and after my post-Thanksgiving flight from Houston to New York. Well clamor no more.
* I really hate how people are so impatient with slow people ahead of them in any sort of line but then as soon as it’s their turn they take their sweet ass time.
NOTE: these next two thoughts deal with sports. Since I know probably 75% of my readership could care less about sports just know that if you are in that 75% you might literally die of boredom of you attempt to read them. So don’t skip over them at your own risk.
* If I was ever on Inside the Actors Studio I would definitely have to say that the profession I would least like to attempt is NFL field goal kicker. I’m sure there are many professions like sanitation worker, ditch digger, and slave, to name just a few that would seem “worse”, but stop and think about it for a moment – if you make the kick, great, you were supposed to, that’s your job. But if you miss then you suck and an entire city hates you. I mean sure it would seem like if you make a kick to win a game it would be exhilarating and everyone would love you, but if that’s true then how come no one can name a single good kicker in the NFL off their top of their head other than Adam Vinaterri? How can they be beloved heroes if no one can even remember their names? The only names people DO remember are the kickers who missed the big kicks. I mean the most famous kicker of all time is Scott Norwood. Should say something about being a kicker. All the pain, none of the glory, and every time you come on the field it's a pressure packed situation. And lord knows I don’t want anything to do with a profession that is filled with pressure, causes excessive nervousness, has a high probability for failure and often leads to people telling you that you’re not good...
* While the Colts seem safe for tonight, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Waiting for the other shoe” to drop is a term sportswriter Bill Simmons uses a lot to refer to the inevitability of the fact that whenever things seem perfect and too easy, something will go wrong and reveal that things were never that way in the first place. This applies to all aspects of life but is especially applicable to sports - an area of life where people try to assign meaning and order to something that is essentially luck-based meaningless chaos. After watching sports for enough years you start to learn that whenever it seems like everything is being set up to create a perfect “story” (The ’01 Super Bowl, The ’03 MLB playoffs, Game 5 of the ’05 NLCS, etc. etc., etc.) something will go wrong. In the case of the Colts it just seems inevitable that they are going to go 16-0, win the Super Bowl, and exorcise all their demons and the crap about how they cant win when it matters. And that’s why I get the feeling that won’t be the case. And why every game I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it surely will. Unless of course it doesn’t. Which is ultimately the point that makes sports so great. They're completely unpredictable and random and the only form of entertainment in which literally anything can happen. If you’re watching a movie, no matter how tense it gets you know that good guy will win, or that if he doesn’t, his loss will be equally as dramatic and compelling and meaningful as his win would have been. But not so with sports. Just because one team is better than the other doesn’t mean they will win. Just because one athlete is far superior to the other doesn’t mean the lesser athlete wont dominate that greater one. Boring teams no one cares about can win year after year, while exciting teams everyone loves can miss the playoffs. There’s no meaning to any of, which might be why since the beginning of organized athletics humans have tried so very hard to assign some sort of great meaning to it all. But it has none. Which makes you wonder if it’s really all worth it. Because, for example, a Cubs fan who was born after 1908 and is now dead would have lived their entire life and gotten only heartbreak from their team and never ultimate joy. They invested thousands upon thousands of hours of their life watching, discussing, and spending money on something that every single year left them heartbroken and disappointed (of course that’s what they deserve for being Cubs fans, but nevertheless…). As Bill Simmons said about the Red Sox a few years ago “if a sports team was a girl you would have broken up with her a long time ago.” But you can never break up with the teams you were raised with. You’re stuck with them for life for better or for worse. So you just pray that ultimately you chose wisely. Which is why I although I used to worry about raising my kids in New York because they would inevitably grow up to become Yankees fans and thus be given a false view of the way life works, I now think that’s probably for the best. And why, although I’m rooting for everything to go according to plan this year for the Colts, all I can say is, I’m glad I wasn't raised in Indianapolis.
(On a related note: its always nice watching a sporting event when it involves a team that you’re rooting for, but one that’s not actually “your team”. This year during the baseball playoffs some of the Astros games became literally too tense for me to watch. During the 18-inning game for example I had to leave my apartment and walk around the block getting updates by phone at the end of every half inning because the tension of actually watching it was too intense to possibly take. Which is why the NFL season is so refreshing. After the Oilers left Houston when I was a kid, I was free to pick a new “favorite” team every year. And since to me the NFL ranks just slightly ahead of golf on a list of sports I care about, it was easy to switch my allegiance to a new team almost overnight. Since the mid-90’s my “favorite team” has at one point or another been each of the following: The 49ers, The Cowboys, The Packers, The Rams, whatever team was playing against the Patriots that week, and now the Colts. Also throughout most of that time for some unexplainable reason if the Steelers or Raiders were involved in a game and the team that they were playing was not my “favorite team” of the moment, or each other, then I would root for them. Oh wait, sorry, I forgot that you don’t care…)
NOTE: non-sports fans, it is now safe to continue reading.
* Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that all of the passengers on any given plane with you are all going FROM and traveling TO the exact same place at the exact same time? That gives you something pretty significant in common with a rather large group of random strangers. Next time you’re on a plane look around at every person on board and think about that fact. And no I wasn’t stoned when I had this thought.
* I never really though about it before, but people who are dressed in cowboy boots, tight jeans with a huge belt buckle, a cowboy hat, a red and white checkered shirt, huge thick glasses the size of their face, and a jacket made out of horse hair, are people too. They aren’t just a caricature, but they are actual regular people just like you and me who have nice luggage, talk on cell phones, and travel regularly to New York City and actually enjoy doing so. And yes I swear I’m not stoned.
* I should really get around piecing together that West Wing article. I mean all I need is an eight hour uninterrupted block of free time, so really I have no excuse.
*What does it say about me that every time I fly from Houston to New York I ALWAYS do these three things?
1.) Buy and eat a blue or purple packet of Skittles while waiting at the gate to board
2.) Chew an entire pack of Bubblicious gum during descent
3.) Listen to the song “My Old School” by Steely Dan in the cab on the way home
Probably that I need serious medical attention.
(And also that I’m starting to share too much information in the journal here. I apologize.)
* I hate actors. I mean I really hate actors. But the actors I hate most of all are the actors who are obsessed with “Rent”. Is there another type of person on this planet who is more obnoxious? I think not. And I say this as a person who has seen the show seven times. And who as soon as he gets around to seeing the movie will surely write at least 3,000 words on it. But still, let this be a memo to all those obnoxious “Rent” people out there (and you know who you are): I hate you. And everyone else does too. So shut up.
* New York 1 has a meteorologist?!? When did this happen? First George Whipple, then Owen Gleiberman doing movie reviews, and now a meteorologist? What has happened to you New York 1? You’re turning into a regular local news show just one on a continuous loop. If it wasn’t for Weather On The Ones and Roma Torre I don’t know if I would watch you at all. Who would have thought our relationship would ever come to this?
* It also seems that now on New York 1 they have taken to devoting a large portion of time to telling you what stories or reports are coming up later, and exactly what time these stories or reports are coming up. It’s not enough that you’re watching right now, they want to make sure that you’ll keep watching for a few more minutes, so they waste time they could be using to give you news to tell you what news they are going to give you in the future. Now I don’t mind a mention of what’s coming up as you go to commercial break since I understand that its an effective way to make sure viewers stay tuned though the commercial, but when they start spending more time promoting an upcoming story than they do actually reporting that story (see: Entertainment Tonight, Sports Center, etc.), that’s when we have a problem. A big problem. I know its all just marketing, but in a way, it’s endemic of a much greater societal problem. There’s getting to be way too much emphasis on the future, at the expense of the present. How many times have you been excited about a movie or a CD coming out and then when it actually comes out you never bother to watch it or buy it? How many times have you been planning the names of the children you’re going to have with someone you’ve dated for a few weeks? How many times have you looked forward to an event or an occasion only to be disappointed by it? On that last count, nearly every day right? Well it seems to me, that’s because we no longer know how to enjoy the present. We live in the future and so when the future finally becomes the present we can no longer fully enjoy it because A.) we’ve already experienced it in our minds and B.) we’ve already moved on to a new future. Therefore the present is becoming an eternally disappointing and unimportant place. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m worried about what the new New York 1 promos at the top of every hour say about the future of the human race. And I swear on my life I’m not on drugs.
(Also, since I watched this excessive emphasis on what’s coming up ruin Sports Center I’m worried that it will ruin New York 1 too. And I’m worried they’re gonna turn into a regular local news show and that Gary Anthony Ramsey will be one day making awkward lame jokes with the weather guy. And then life will no longer be worth living. Clearly I should get out more.)
* There are many things I dislike in this world such as Paris Hilton, glitter, and Everybody Loves Raymond. But there are a few very special things and people that reach a whole nother level of hatred. I call this the “Bill O’Reilly Zone”, after the person I hate more than anyone or anything in the entire world. The depth of my hatred for Bill O’Reilly cannot possibly even come close to being put into words. No matter what level of physical or emotional harm befell Bill O’Reilly, I would never ever EVER feel even the slightest bit sad. His very existence makes me hate all of humanity for allowing him to even exist in any publicly visible way. And since in my above New York 1 rant I mentioned two of other the things on the “Bill O’Reilly Zone” list I thought now would be a good time to unveil the whole list as it currently stands. Because I suffer from the delusional idea that you care about such things.
List of People And Things For Which There Should Be Reserved A Special Circle of Hell Known As The Bill O’Reilly Zone:
-local news shows
-Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwarzbaum
-US Weekly
-Yoko Ono
-Maxim
-girls who wear Playboy apparel
-“Spiderman” & “Spiderman 2”
-Beyonce
-ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith
-The Cubs
-Dick Cheney
-The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
-really old, really rich residents of the Upper East Side (you know which ones I mean)
and of course…
-haters
The Top 5 Completely Unnecessary Industries I Wish Id Invented First:
1.) The Bottled Water Industry – This is the greatest mystery of our times. How in the world were we all convinced to start paying exorbitant prices for something essentially flavorless that we already get for free? Now don’t get me wrong, I love bottled water and see its great value if you are traveling, and I probably haven’t drunk tap water since I was about five, but still, how did bottled water become the phenomenon it is? I mean, had I been raised on tap water I’m sure I would have been fine with it, but as soon as my parents started buying Ozarka water for me at a young age I got it ingrained it my head that it was somehow better. And yet there is conclusive proof that there is absolutely nothing wrong with tap water and that it’s just as good for you as bottled water. And why on earth would someone go to a restaurant and order bottled water when water is already provided free of charge? And why do people carry bottles of water everywhere even places where there are plenty of drinking fountains available. To greatly paraphrase George Carlin when did we as human beings become so thirsty that we must carry water with us at all times? Can anyone answer any of these questions? I don’t have a problem with any of this per say, I just want to know how it got started.
2.) The Candle Industry – As far as I can tell candles serve almost no practical purpose today and yet I swear more candles are bought and sold in America today than in 1860 when they were used to actually light entire homes. Somehow we have been convinced that scented candles somehow actually emit a scent strong enough to be smelled more than two feet away, and that decorative candles are ever even noticed by visitors to our homes. Neither of these are true. Stop wasting your money.
3.) The Smoothie Industry – Now I enjoy a good smoothie as much as anyone, but really, are they in any way necessary? They are a nice refreshing treat, but some people are starting to treat Jamba Juice like it’s Starbucks. Coffee is an essential life need, much like water or air or heroin. Smoothies on the other hand have no real quantifiable purpose other than to taste good. I know they are supposed to make you more healthy or give you energy or alertness or some crap like that but if you buy that then I got two words for you: Suck Er.
4.) The Ring Tones Industry – Maybe it’s just a sign I’m getting too old, but I really don’t understand what the deal is with ring tones. I mean I haven’t completely “not gotten” a cultural phenomenon to this degree since the release of “Trapped in the Closet”.
(Speaking of “Trapped in the Closet”: did anyone see the episode of South Park where Stan discovers he might be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard and then insults Tom Cruise’s acting which causes a devastated Tom Cruise to hide in the closet while a variety of people including R. Kelly beg him to “come out of the closet”? Because I didn’t see it, I only read about it, but it sounds from the premise like it could have been one of the greatest episodes of a TV show ever. So I just wanted to know if anyone could confirm or deny this supposition.)
(Speaking of TV shows: wow that Desperate Housewives backlash was quick, harsh and the most predictable thing to happen since Jennifer Aniston decided to pose topless on the cover of GQ. Next up on America’s agenda: being “over” Family Guy.)
5.) The Higher Education “Industry” – There are few things I am more passionate about than education. If you think I get passionate about things sometimes here in the journal then talk to me some time about the state of education in this country. Just make sure you have a few hours. So I’m the last person in the world who would suggest that people should be less educated. But I will suggest that maybe higher education isn’t always the way to go about getting that extended education. Maybe it just becomes a prolonged adolescence for far too many people. Maybe it stifles truly original, creative, independent thought. And maybe our culture preaching that college is the only path to success creates a self-fulfilling prophecy for those who cannot for whatever reason attend college. This is a much bigger topic than I have the time to get into in this space but I will say this. Of the over 20 people in my extended family born between 1910-1930 of whom I have record of, only one of them went to college. And my family was pretty typical of the times. And yet when watching Good Night and Good Luck recently I was struck by how many large words and complex sentences were used on the nightly news. Whereas today, to quote John Simon, “we have apparently lost our tenuous grip on the compound sentence and the kind of thinking which requires its syntactical structures.” (And yes I just quoted John Simon. And yes I will now throw up in my mouth.) And this non-college going generation is also the generation that oversaw the rise of the United States to superpower status. So maybe college isn’t all its cracked up to be after all. This was all brought to my attention a while back through a semi life-changing article by Ted Ball from the old Might Magazine entitled “College is for Suckers”. I think the title makes his thesis pretty clear. And he just might have a point. Of course I didn’t go to a real college and I’m not pursuing a real career, so maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. So check back with me once I get my masters.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Oprah on Dave
2.) Walk the Line
3.) Charlize Theron in North Country
3 & 1/2.) Kiera Knightly in Pride and Prejudice
Thought of the Week:
“It will take me three hours to decide which compact discs to put in the backseat of my car. This is the kind of quandary that keeps people like m from sleeping; I never worry about nuclear war, or the economy or if we need to establish a Palestinian state, but I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I need to purchase all the less than stellar Rolling Stones albums from the 1980s for cataloging purposes.” – Chuck Klosterman
* I really hate how people are so impatient with slow people ahead of them in any sort of line but then as soon as it’s their turn they take their sweet ass time.
NOTE: these next two thoughts deal with sports. Since I know probably 75% of my readership could care less about sports just know that if you are in that 75% you might literally die of boredom of you attempt to read them. So don’t skip over them at your own risk.
* If I was ever on Inside the Actors Studio I would definitely have to say that the profession I would least like to attempt is NFL field goal kicker. I’m sure there are many professions like sanitation worker, ditch digger, and slave, to name just a few that would seem “worse”, but stop and think about it for a moment – if you make the kick, great, you were supposed to, that’s your job. But if you miss then you suck and an entire city hates you. I mean sure it would seem like if you make a kick to win a game it would be exhilarating and everyone would love you, but if that’s true then how come no one can name a single good kicker in the NFL off their top of their head other than Adam Vinaterri? How can they be beloved heroes if no one can even remember their names? The only names people DO remember are the kickers who missed the big kicks. I mean the most famous kicker of all time is Scott Norwood. Should say something about being a kicker. All the pain, none of the glory, and every time you come on the field it's a pressure packed situation. And lord knows I don’t want anything to do with a profession that is filled with pressure, causes excessive nervousness, has a high probability for failure and often leads to people telling you that you’re not good...
* While the Colts seem safe for tonight, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Waiting for the other shoe” to drop is a term sportswriter Bill Simmons uses a lot to refer to the inevitability of the fact that whenever things seem perfect and too easy, something will go wrong and reveal that things were never that way in the first place. This applies to all aspects of life but is especially applicable to sports - an area of life where people try to assign meaning and order to something that is essentially luck-based meaningless chaos. After watching sports for enough years you start to learn that whenever it seems like everything is being set up to create a perfect “story” (The ’01 Super Bowl, The ’03 MLB playoffs, Game 5 of the ’05 NLCS, etc. etc., etc.) something will go wrong. In the case of the Colts it just seems inevitable that they are going to go 16-0, win the Super Bowl, and exorcise all their demons and the crap about how they cant win when it matters. And that’s why I get the feeling that won’t be the case. And why every game I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it surely will. Unless of course it doesn’t. Which is ultimately the point that makes sports so great. They're completely unpredictable and random and the only form of entertainment in which literally anything can happen. If you’re watching a movie, no matter how tense it gets you know that good guy will win, or that if he doesn’t, his loss will be equally as dramatic and compelling and meaningful as his win would have been. But not so with sports. Just because one team is better than the other doesn’t mean they will win. Just because one athlete is far superior to the other doesn’t mean the lesser athlete wont dominate that greater one. Boring teams no one cares about can win year after year, while exciting teams everyone loves can miss the playoffs. There’s no meaning to any of, which might be why since the beginning of organized athletics humans have tried so very hard to assign some sort of great meaning to it all. But it has none. Which makes you wonder if it’s really all worth it. Because, for example, a Cubs fan who was born after 1908 and is now dead would have lived their entire life and gotten only heartbreak from their team and never ultimate joy. They invested thousands upon thousands of hours of their life watching, discussing, and spending money on something that every single year left them heartbroken and disappointed (of course that’s what they deserve for being Cubs fans, but nevertheless…). As Bill Simmons said about the Red Sox a few years ago “if a sports team was a girl you would have broken up with her a long time ago.” But you can never break up with the teams you were raised with. You’re stuck with them for life for better or for worse. So you just pray that ultimately you chose wisely. Which is why I although I used to worry about raising my kids in New York because they would inevitably grow up to become Yankees fans and thus be given a false view of the way life works, I now think that’s probably for the best. And why, although I’m rooting for everything to go according to plan this year for the Colts, all I can say is, I’m glad I wasn't raised in Indianapolis.
(On a related note: its always nice watching a sporting event when it involves a team that you’re rooting for, but one that’s not actually “your team”. This year during the baseball playoffs some of the Astros games became literally too tense for me to watch. During the 18-inning game for example I had to leave my apartment and walk around the block getting updates by phone at the end of every half inning because the tension of actually watching it was too intense to possibly take. Which is why the NFL season is so refreshing. After the Oilers left Houston when I was a kid, I was free to pick a new “favorite” team every year. And since to me the NFL ranks just slightly ahead of golf on a list of sports I care about, it was easy to switch my allegiance to a new team almost overnight. Since the mid-90’s my “favorite team” has at one point or another been each of the following: The 49ers, The Cowboys, The Packers, The Rams, whatever team was playing against the Patriots that week, and now the Colts. Also throughout most of that time for some unexplainable reason if the Steelers or Raiders were involved in a game and the team that they were playing was not my “favorite team” of the moment, or each other, then I would root for them. Oh wait, sorry, I forgot that you don’t care…)
NOTE: non-sports fans, it is now safe to continue reading.
* Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that all of the passengers on any given plane with you are all going FROM and traveling TO the exact same place at the exact same time? That gives you something pretty significant in common with a rather large group of random strangers. Next time you’re on a plane look around at every person on board and think about that fact. And no I wasn’t stoned when I had this thought.
* I never really though about it before, but people who are dressed in cowboy boots, tight jeans with a huge belt buckle, a cowboy hat, a red and white checkered shirt, huge thick glasses the size of their face, and a jacket made out of horse hair, are people too. They aren’t just a caricature, but they are actual regular people just like you and me who have nice luggage, talk on cell phones, and travel regularly to New York City and actually enjoy doing so. And yes I swear I’m not stoned.
* I should really get around piecing together that West Wing article. I mean all I need is an eight hour uninterrupted block of free time, so really I have no excuse.
*What does it say about me that every time I fly from Houston to New York I ALWAYS do these three things?
1.) Buy and eat a blue or purple packet of Skittles while waiting at the gate to board
2.) Chew an entire pack of Bubblicious gum during descent
3.) Listen to the song “My Old School” by Steely Dan in the cab on the way home
Probably that I need serious medical attention.
(And also that I’m starting to share too much information in the journal here. I apologize.)
* I hate actors. I mean I really hate actors. But the actors I hate most of all are the actors who are obsessed with “Rent”. Is there another type of person on this planet who is more obnoxious? I think not. And I say this as a person who has seen the show seven times. And who as soon as he gets around to seeing the movie will surely write at least 3,000 words on it. But still, let this be a memo to all those obnoxious “Rent” people out there (and you know who you are): I hate you. And everyone else does too. So shut up.
* New York 1 has a meteorologist?!? When did this happen? First George Whipple, then Owen Gleiberman doing movie reviews, and now a meteorologist? What has happened to you New York 1? You’re turning into a regular local news show just one on a continuous loop. If it wasn’t for Weather On The Ones and Roma Torre I don’t know if I would watch you at all. Who would have thought our relationship would ever come to this?
* It also seems that now on New York 1 they have taken to devoting a large portion of time to telling you what stories or reports are coming up later, and exactly what time these stories or reports are coming up. It’s not enough that you’re watching right now, they want to make sure that you’ll keep watching for a few more minutes, so they waste time they could be using to give you news to tell you what news they are going to give you in the future. Now I don’t mind a mention of what’s coming up as you go to commercial break since I understand that its an effective way to make sure viewers stay tuned though the commercial, but when they start spending more time promoting an upcoming story than they do actually reporting that story (see: Entertainment Tonight, Sports Center, etc.), that’s when we have a problem. A big problem. I know its all just marketing, but in a way, it’s endemic of a much greater societal problem. There’s getting to be way too much emphasis on the future, at the expense of the present. How many times have you been excited about a movie or a CD coming out and then when it actually comes out you never bother to watch it or buy it? How many times have you been planning the names of the children you’re going to have with someone you’ve dated for a few weeks? How many times have you looked forward to an event or an occasion only to be disappointed by it? On that last count, nearly every day right? Well it seems to me, that’s because we no longer know how to enjoy the present. We live in the future and so when the future finally becomes the present we can no longer fully enjoy it because A.) we’ve already experienced it in our minds and B.) we’ve already moved on to a new future. Therefore the present is becoming an eternally disappointing and unimportant place. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m worried about what the new New York 1 promos at the top of every hour say about the future of the human race. And I swear on my life I’m not on drugs.
(Also, since I watched this excessive emphasis on what’s coming up ruin Sports Center I’m worried that it will ruin New York 1 too. And I’m worried they’re gonna turn into a regular local news show and that Gary Anthony Ramsey will be one day making awkward lame jokes with the weather guy. And then life will no longer be worth living. Clearly I should get out more.)
* There are many things I dislike in this world such as Paris Hilton, glitter, and Everybody Loves Raymond. But there are a few very special things and people that reach a whole nother level of hatred. I call this the “Bill O’Reilly Zone”, after the person I hate more than anyone or anything in the entire world. The depth of my hatred for Bill O’Reilly cannot possibly even come close to being put into words. No matter what level of physical or emotional harm befell Bill O’Reilly, I would never ever EVER feel even the slightest bit sad. His very existence makes me hate all of humanity for allowing him to even exist in any publicly visible way. And since in my above New York 1 rant I mentioned two of other the things on the “Bill O’Reilly Zone” list I thought now would be a good time to unveil the whole list as it currently stands. Because I suffer from the delusional idea that you care about such things.
List of People And Things For Which There Should Be Reserved A Special Circle of Hell Known As The Bill O’Reilly Zone:
-local news shows
-Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwarzbaum
-US Weekly
-Yoko Ono
-Maxim
-girls who wear Playboy apparel
-“Spiderman” & “Spiderman 2”
-Beyonce
-ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith
-The Cubs
-Dick Cheney
-The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
-really old, really rich residents of the Upper East Side (you know which ones I mean)
and of course…
-haters
The Top 5 Completely Unnecessary Industries I Wish Id Invented First:
1.) The Bottled Water Industry – This is the greatest mystery of our times. How in the world were we all convinced to start paying exorbitant prices for something essentially flavorless that we already get for free? Now don’t get me wrong, I love bottled water and see its great value if you are traveling, and I probably haven’t drunk tap water since I was about five, but still, how did bottled water become the phenomenon it is? I mean, had I been raised on tap water I’m sure I would have been fine with it, but as soon as my parents started buying Ozarka water for me at a young age I got it ingrained it my head that it was somehow better. And yet there is conclusive proof that there is absolutely nothing wrong with tap water and that it’s just as good for you as bottled water. And why on earth would someone go to a restaurant and order bottled water when water is already provided free of charge? And why do people carry bottles of water everywhere even places where there are plenty of drinking fountains available. To greatly paraphrase George Carlin when did we as human beings become so thirsty that we must carry water with us at all times? Can anyone answer any of these questions? I don’t have a problem with any of this per say, I just want to know how it got started.
2.) The Candle Industry – As far as I can tell candles serve almost no practical purpose today and yet I swear more candles are bought and sold in America today than in 1860 when they were used to actually light entire homes. Somehow we have been convinced that scented candles somehow actually emit a scent strong enough to be smelled more than two feet away, and that decorative candles are ever even noticed by visitors to our homes. Neither of these are true. Stop wasting your money.
3.) The Smoothie Industry – Now I enjoy a good smoothie as much as anyone, but really, are they in any way necessary? They are a nice refreshing treat, but some people are starting to treat Jamba Juice like it’s Starbucks. Coffee is an essential life need, much like water or air or heroin. Smoothies on the other hand have no real quantifiable purpose other than to taste good. I know they are supposed to make you more healthy or give you energy or alertness or some crap like that but if you buy that then I got two words for you: Suck Er.
4.) The Ring Tones Industry – Maybe it’s just a sign I’m getting too old, but I really don’t understand what the deal is with ring tones. I mean I haven’t completely “not gotten” a cultural phenomenon to this degree since the release of “Trapped in the Closet”.
(Speaking of “Trapped in the Closet”: did anyone see the episode of South Park where Stan discovers he might be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard and then insults Tom Cruise’s acting which causes a devastated Tom Cruise to hide in the closet while a variety of people including R. Kelly beg him to “come out of the closet”? Because I didn’t see it, I only read about it, but it sounds from the premise like it could have been one of the greatest episodes of a TV show ever. So I just wanted to know if anyone could confirm or deny this supposition.)
(Speaking of TV shows: wow that Desperate Housewives backlash was quick, harsh and the most predictable thing to happen since Jennifer Aniston decided to pose topless on the cover of GQ. Next up on America’s agenda: being “over” Family Guy.)
5.) The Higher Education “Industry” – There are few things I am more passionate about than education. If you think I get passionate about things sometimes here in the journal then talk to me some time about the state of education in this country. Just make sure you have a few hours. So I’m the last person in the world who would suggest that people should be less educated. But I will suggest that maybe higher education isn’t always the way to go about getting that extended education. Maybe it just becomes a prolonged adolescence for far too many people. Maybe it stifles truly original, creative, independent thought. And maybe our culture preaching that college is the only path to success creates a self-fulfilling prophecy for those who cannot for whatever reason attend college. This is a much bigger topic than I have the time to get into in this space but I will say this. Of the over 20 people in my extended family born between 1910-1930 of whom I have record of, only one of them went to college. And my family was pretty typical of the times. And yet when watching Good Night and Good Luck recently I was struck by how many large words and complex sentences were used on the nightly news. Whereas today, to quote John Simon, “we have apparently lost our tenuous grip on the compound sentence and the kind of thinking which requires its syntactical structures.” (And yes I just quoted John Simon. And yes I will now throw up in my mouth.) And this non-college going generation is also the generation that oversaw the rise of the United States to superpower status. So maybe college isn’t all its cracked up to be after all. This was all brought to my attention a while back through a semi life-changing article by Ted Ball from the old Might Magazine entitled “College is for Suckers”. I think the title makes his thesis pretty clear. And he just might have a point. Of course I didn’t go to a real college and I’m not pursuing a real career, so maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. So check back with me once I get my masters.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Oprah on Dave
2.) Walk the Line
3.) Charlize Theron in North Country
3 & 1/2.) Kiera Knightly in Pride and Prejudice
Thought of the Week:
“It will take me three hours to decide which compact discs to put in the backseat of my car. This is the kind of quandary that keeps people like m from sleeping; I never worry about nuclear war, or the economy or if we need to establish a Palestinian state, but I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I need to purchase all the less than stellar Rolling Stones albums from the 1980s for cataloging purposes.” – Chuck Klosterman
Saturday, November 19, 2005
More Random Thoughts
* Props to the guy who invented the Caesar salad. I mean whoever this person was, all they did was take lettuce and put dressing on it. That’s like the least impressive achievement of all time. And yet it’s gone on to be the most popular “dish” of all time. Plus they are somehow magically delicious (and yes this is coming from the same person who has previously championed rice and water as great culinary achievements…). And if it was in fact Julius Caesar himself who invented it, then it’s the best thing he ever did. And keep in mind he did Cleopatra.
* Are the Geico motorcycle insurance commercials serious or are they joking? Because if they are joking, then the advertising agency for Geico is officially the greatest entity in the history of man. And if they are serious, then they really suck.
* The one question I’ve been dying to know is: Can you bird it? Can you do the bird?
(I’ve clearly been watching too much TV)
* Speaking of birds, my high school mascot was the falcon. Now surely your high school mascot was something different, but nevertheless I’m sure your high school had a cheer that went something like “Brrr, its cold in here, there must be some (insert your high school mascot here)s in the atmosphere”. How does that cheer make any sense? Why would the temperature of the gymnasium have anything to do with your school mascot being in the atmosphere? It’s almost as if the cheers in high school were created by a group of people who weren’t overly intelligent.
* Are we allowed to start commenting on the attractiveness of Hermoine from the Harry Potter movies yet, or do we have to wait a few more years? Because I have, umm, this friend who wants to know...
* As a connoisseur of Cheerios I must say that Yogurt Burst Cheerios are the best thing to happen to Cheerios since the invention of the letter O. They provide all of excitement of Fruit Burst Cheerios with none of the nutritional value. And yes I’m being completely serious.
* I think its time I came to terms with a fact about myself – I’m an anti-dentite
* When you stop and think about it, Sublime is perhaps the most apt band name ever.
Well, except for The Dave Matthews Band.
* I’m glad I’m not a girl because then I could never know the joy of growing a beard. There are few things more enjoyable then stroking one contemplatively. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) But then again I can never know the joy of pushing a child out of my vagina so I guess it evens out in the end…
* Maybe I’m turning into one of those old people who say, “How can you kids understand what those people are saying in the songs you listen to. It just sounds like gibberish to me” but after much scientific examination I SWEAR that this is the chorus to “Sugar, We’re Goin Down” - “We’re goin de da in a doodie da raou, and sugar we’re goin down swingin. I’ll be number one with a bullet, a lonely God complex, cock it and pull it.” And if that’s anywhere even in the neighborhood of being right then what the hell are they talking about? And seriously why does the dude in the video have antlers? Is this what the kids are into these days? Antlers?
* Speaking of song lyrics that make no sense what exactly does “I’ve got soul but I’m not a solider” mean? And can someone at some point please dedicate the song “Andy, You’re a Star” to me. I mean any song with that title that also contains the lyrics “you’re a star in nobody’s eyes but mine” and “hey, shut up” is clearly the most perfect song ever to dedicate to me. Can I somehow declare it my official theme song? And while we’re talking about The Killers, has anyone ever seen them and The Bravery in the same place at the same time? Can we verify that they are not actually the same band? And why do I take an inordinate amount of shots at a band that I actually really enjoy? And why can I not believe that its not butter?
* My one word review of The Colbert Report: “Why?”
* No disrespect intended, but is anyone else surprised by the runaway success of “Gold Digger” considering that “Heard ‘Em Say” and “Touch the Sky” are clearly the hit singles off that album?
(And if you think I wont have much more to say about Kanye in my already partially written year in review column them clearly you haven’t been reading through the contents of my hard drive.)
* Stock your fallout shelter – fact that Nick at Night is now airing The Jeff Foxworthy Show and the success of The Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha” are clearly signs that the apocalypse is nigh. And if its not, then it should be. Because clearly we deserve it. Seriously, that song is approaching Bill O’Reilly territory for me. And just for the record, Pussycat Dolls, the only thing I wish was different about my girlfriend is that she would own a handgun. So she could shoot you all in the face.
And I actually just made up that part about having a girlfriend.
But I think this journal kind of makes that self-evident.
* I have an announcement: I recently read a book. That might not seem like big deal, but it is for me. See I stopped reading books back in high school when I realized that I could not read the assigned books for class and still make better grades than the people who DID read the books. I guess you could say it was my form of rebellion. Some people got tattoos. Some people smoked cigarettes. Some people dyed their hair blue. I didn’t read books. But the other day I finished a book that had over three hundred pages in it. And let me tell you something; it felt pretty good. In fact I plan to do it again soon. I’ve always liked the IDEA of reading books, just not the actual action of it. Well now I can say that I enjoy them both.
And just a little advice to any aspiring future Mrs. Fredtheonlinejournals: I think there are few things sexier than a girl who reads. So let the competition begin.
Have I mentioned yet that I can name all of the presidents in order?
* Listening to Elliott Smith before noon is like drink scotch before noon. It’s a sign that you have a serious problem. Of course then again I’m the person who says listening to Elliott Smith period is a sign you have a serious problem.
(And I’ve now officially angered and alienated literally everyone I know. I would suggest though that you save your angry emails until 2008 when I announce I’m voting for John McCain.)
*Do girls really just want to have fun? Because I was under the impression that girls tell themselves they just want to have fun but really they are constitutionally incapable of just having fun because they are burdened with the inescapable need to immediately have a permanent committed relationship with their soul mate, or in lieu of their soul mate, whoever happens to be standing nearby. I guess that just wasn’t as catchy of a title though. And yes I do realize that my mailbox is now officially filled up with hate mail. And while we’re on the topic of Cyndi Lauper songs, why does she not get more credit? I mean her first two singles were “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Time After Time”. Have there ever been two more diametrically opposed singles in history? And they both came from the same artist. And they were the first two songs she ever released. How is this not talked about more?
* Have you stopped to actually look at the color of Mountain Dew recently? Is it just me or should human beings not be putting something that color into their bodies? I was always taught as a child to avoid drinking any glowing neon green liquids, but then again maybe I was taught wrong. And while we’re on the subject, what ever happened to Mountain Dew Code Red? I’m assuming it’s not being made anymore, but could we have been given some kind of warning that it was going to stop being produced? Everything seemed perfectly okay and then one day with no warning, it was just gone. Much like my last wife. This is not okay.
* I think that if I was on the highway to hell I wouldn’t really give a shit about obeying the traffic laws.
* You hear people often talk about how baseball is a metaphor for life. Or how chess is a metaphor for life. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it discussed though that the card game B.S. is a great metaphor for life. It should be though. Solitaire as well.
* Have all four major Oscar races ever been decided this early before? Im almost hoping Muinch is disappointing or that more than four people see TransAmerica just so things will get interesting. But then again I like Speilberg and Reese Witherspoon so it really doesnt matter. The real category we need to shake things up in is Best Actor. Joaquin Phoenix has an impossible name to spell and he seems like a socially maladjusted humorless weirdo. And not in a good way. So Im taking it upon myself to begin the Phillip Seymour Hoffman Best Actor counter-campaign as of this moment. Although its not like I really needed a reason...
(Have I mentioned yet ladies that I can name every Oscar winner since 1950?)
(Really, all I want for Christmas is a life.)
* Trying to choose my favorite Sarah Silverman joke is like trying to choose my favorite variety of Prego tomato sauce – its just not possible. But for today Ill have to go with this one: “I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”
* Last but not least, on a serious note, have a great Thanksgiving.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The West Wing Season 2 (Thoughts are forthcoming)
2.) Interpol – “Antics” (album)
3.) Sarah Silverman
3 & 1/2.) A new Dutchwest column from yours truly: http://dutchwest.tv/
Thought of the Week: Its been a few weeks since I saw Ben Folds at Radio City, but I think I can safely say hearing a sold out Radio City Music Hall in unison singing “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks, lick on these nuts and suck the dick” is one of the highlights of my life. And I think we really need to give more credit to the man responsible for the best ever cover of a rap song (“Bitches Ain’t Shit”), the best ever tribute song to a dead celebrity (“Late”), the best ever song about an artist’s own kid (“Still Fightin’ It”), the best ever song about abortion (“Brick”), and the best ever song about becoming a born again Christian after tripping on acid at a friend’s pool party (“Not the Same”).
* Are the Geico motorcycle insurance commercials serious or are they joking? Because if they are joking, then the advertising agency for Geico is officially the greatest entity in the history of man. And if they are serious, then they really suck.
* The one question I’ve been dying to know is: Can you bird it? Can you do the bird?
(I’ve clearly been watching too much TV)
* Speaking of birds, my high school mascot was the falcon. Now surely your high school mascot was something different, but nevertheless I’m sure your high school had a cheer that went something like “Brrr, its cold in here, there must be some (insert your high school mascot here)s in the atmosphere”. How does that cheer make any sense? Why would the temperature of the gymnasium have anything to do with your school mascot being in the atmosphere? It’s almost as if the cheers in high school were created by a group of people who weren’t overly intelligent.
* Are we allowed to start commenting on the attractiveness of Hermoine from the Harry Potter movies yet, or do we have to wait a few more years? Because I have, umm, this friend who wants to know...
* As a connoisseur of Cheerios I must say that Yogurt Burst Cheerios are the best thing to happen to Cheerios since the invention of the letter O. They provide all of excitement of Fruit Burst Cheerios with none of the nutritional value. And yes I’m being completely serious.
* I think its time I came to terms with a fact about myself – I’m an anti-dentite
* When you stop and think about it, Sublime is perhaps the most apt band name ever.
Well, except for The Dave Matthews Band.
* I’m glad I’m not a girl because then I could never know the joy of growing a beard. There are few things more enjoyable then stroking one contemplatively. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) But then again I can never know the joy of pushing a child out of my vagina so I guess it evens out in the end…
* Maybe I’m turning into one of those old people who say, “How can you kids understand what those people are saying in the songs you listen to. It just sounds like gibberish to me” but after much scientific examination I SWEAR that this is the chorus to “Sugar, We’re Goin Down” - “We’re goin de da in a doodie da raou, and sugar we’re goin down swingin. I’ll be number one with a bullet, a lonely God complex, cock it and pull it.” And if that’s anywhere even in the neighborhood of being right then what the hell are they talking about? And seriously why does the dude in the video have antlers? Is this what the kids are into these days? Antlers?
* Speaking of song lyrics that make no sense what exactly does “I’ve got soul but I’m not a solider” mean? And can someone at some point please dedicate the song “Andy, You’re a Star” to me. I mean any song with that title that also contains the lyrics “you’re a star in nobody’s eyes but mine” and “hey, shut up” is clearly the most perfect song ever to dedicate to me. Can I somehow declare it my official theme song? And while we’re talking about The Killers, has anyone ever seen them and The Bravery in the same place at the same time? Can we verify that they are not actually the same band? And why do I take an inordinate amount of shots at a band that I actually really enjoy? And why can I not believe that its not butter?
* My one word review of The Colbert Report: “Why?”
* No disrespect intended, but is anyone else surprised by the runaway success of “Gold Digger” considering that “Heard ‘Em Say” and “Touch the Sky” are clearly the hit singles off that album?
(And if you think I wont have much more to say about Kanye in my already partially written year in review column them clearly you haven’t been reading through the contents of my hard drive.)
* Stock your fallout shelter – fact that Nick at Night is now airing The Jeff Foxworthy Show and the success of The Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha” are clearly signs that the apocalypse is nigh. And if its not, then it should be. Because clearly we deserve it. Seriously, that song is approaching Bill O’Reilly territory for me. And just for the record, Pussycat Dolls, the only thing I wish was different about my girlfriend is that she would own a handgun. So she could shoot you all in the face.
And I actually just made up that part about having a girlfriend.
But I think this journal kind of makes that self-evident.
* I have an announcement: I recently read a book. That might not seem like big deal, but it is for me. See I stopped reading books back in high school when I realized that I could not read the assigned books for class and still make better grades than the people who DID read the books. I guess you could say it was my form of rebellion. Some people got tattoos. Some people smoked cigarettes. Some people dyed their hair blue. I didn’t read books. But the other day I finished a book that had over three hundred pages in it. And let me tell you something; it felt pretty good. In fact I plan to do it again soon. I’ve always liked the IDEA of reading books, just not the actual action of it. Well now I can say that I enjoy them both.
And just a little advice to any aspiring future Mrs. Fredtheonlinejournals: I think there are few things sexier than a girl who reads. So let the competition begin.
Have I mentioned yet that I can name all of the presidents in order?
* Listening to Elliott Smith before noon is like drink scotch before noon. It’s a sign that you have a serious problem. Of course then again I’m the person who says listening to Elliott Smith period is a sign you have a serious problem.
(And I’ve now officially angered and alienated literally everyone I know. I would suggest though that you save your angry emails until 2008 when I announce I’m voting for John McCain.)
*Do girls really just want to have fun? Because I was under the impression that girls tell themselves they just want to have fun but really they are constitutionally incapable of just having fun because they are burdened with the inescapable need to immediately have a permanent committed relationship with their soul mate, or in lieu of their soul mate, whoever happens to be standing nearby. I guess that just wasn’t as catchy of a title though. And yes I do realize that my mailbox is now officially filled up with hate mail. And while we’re on the topic of Cyndi Lauper songs, why does she not get more credit? I mean her first two singles were “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Time After Time”. Have there ever been two more diametrically opposed singles in history? And they both came from the same artist. And they were the first two songs she ever released. How is this not talked about more?
* Have you stopped to actually look at the color of Mountain Dew recently? Is it just me or should human beings not be putting something that color into their bodies? I was always taught as a child to avoid drinking any glowing neon green liquids, but then again maybe I was taught wrong. And while we’re on the subject, what ever happened to Mountain Dew Code Red? I’m assuming it’s not being made anymore, but could we have been given some kind of warning that it was going to stop being produced? Everything seemed perfectly okay and then one day with no warning, it was just gone. Much like my last wife. This is not okay.
* I think that if I was on the highway to hell I wouldn’t really give a shit about obeying the traffic laws.
* You hear people often talk about how baseball is a metaphor for life. Or how chess is a metaphor for life. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it discussed though that the card game B.S. is a great metaphor for life. It should be though. Solitaire as well.
* Have all four major Oscar races ever been decided this early before? Im almost hoping Muinch is disappointing or that more than four people see TransAmerica just so things will get interesting. But then again I like Speilberg and Reese Witherspoon so it really doesnt matter. The real category we need to shake things up in is Best Actor. Joaquin Phoenix has an impossible name to spell and he seems like a socially maladjusted humorless weirdo. And not in a good way. So Im taking it upon myself to begin the Phillip Seymour Hoffman Best Actor counter-campaign as of this moment. Although its not like I really needed a reason...
(Have I mentioned yet ladies that I can name every Oscar winner since 1950?)
(Really, all I want for Christmas is a life.)
* Trying to choose my favorite Sarah Silverman joke is like trying to choose my favorite variety of Prego tomato sauce – its just not possible. But for today Ill have to go with this one: “I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”
* Last but not least, on a serious note, have a great Thanksgiving.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The West Wing Season 2 (Thoughts are forthcoming)
2.) Interpol – “Antics” (album)
3.) Sarah Silverman
3 & 1/2.) A new Dutchwest column from yours truly: http://dutchwest.tv/
Thought of the Week: Its been a few weeks since I saw Ben Folds at Radio City, but I think I can safely say hearing a sold out Radio City Music Hall in unison singing “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks, lick on these nuts and suck the dick” is one of the highlights of my life. And I think we really need to give more credit to the man responsible for the best ever cover of a rap song (“Bitches Ain’t Shit”), the best ever tribute song to a dead celebrity (“Late”), the best ever song about an artist’s own kid (“Still Fightin’ It”), the best ever song about abortion (“Brick”), and the best ever song about becoming a born again Christian after tripping on acid at a friend’s pool party (“Not the Same”).
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
One and a Half Thumbs Down
Looking back through the archives of this “journal” I have, over the course of 40 something posts, made a few things very clear. My love of baseball. My hatred of Beyonce. My complete indifference to spell check. But one thing that I could not possibly stress enough even if I devoted every entry from now until the end of time solely to discussing it, is my deep passion for all things Cameron Crowe. Bono may be God and The Beatles may be the greatest artists in any medium ever, but no one “speaks to me” in a more personal way than Cameron Crowe. He’s the writer/director I would be if I were a writer/director. And if I were talented. On the very top of my list of things to do before I die is to be in a Cameron Crowe movie. And even if it means one day I have to quit my job to fly to China to be an extra on his movie about a Chinese guy who comes of age with the help of a too-good-to-be true girl, rock music, and his own innate optimism, then that’s what Ill do. Even if it means I’ll have to put off doing other things on my list, like heaving a bag of flaming dog shit at Bill O’Reilly, I’ll do it. That’s how much I love Cameron Crowe. Depending on the day and my mood, I could maybe say that he has written and directed each of my top four movies. And he’s only made four movies! (And don’t try and tell me Fast Times at Ridgemont High counts because it doesn’t. He only wrote it and didn’t direct it, and therefore it’s disqualified. And Singles doesn’t count because Singles never happened.) So naturally, to say I was excited about seeing Elizabethtown would be like saying Matt Dillon was excited the day they filmed the threesome scene in Wild Things. Which is to say I was very excited.
And then of course, I actually SAW Elizabethtown.
Now to be fair to Elizabethtown, it wasn’t as bad as most people have made it out to be. But then, the more I think about it, I think maybe I’m just too in denial to accept the truth. But then again, I think it wasn’t that it was so bad on its own terms, it was just bad considering what it could have been. And should have been. It should have been the movie Garden State wanted to be. It should have been my new favorite movie. It should have been the best Cameron Crowe film yet. I mean, I can’t think of an outline for a movie I would possibly like more: Guy fails at his job in the big city, becomes numb to the world, then has to go home to deal with his father’s death, and while there, he comes to terms with his southern roots and is helped on the road to redemption by music and by a girl who seems too good to be true but who hides demons of her own just beneath the surface. It was like Cameron read my mind and made the exact movie I would want to make if I made movies. He even threw in southern rock, a road trip, and eccentric southern relatives to complete his personal appeal to my heart. Only problem was on the road to creating my favorite movie of all-time he forgot one simple ingredient - to make a good movie. Instead he made a movie that was just wildly disappointing. As I told Lauren Morelli the other day, “It’s the only movie I’ve ever seen where I laughed, I cried, I cheered, I sat on the edge of my seat, and when it was over thought, ‘well that sucked.’”
And so I’ve now made it my personal mission in life to one day remake the movie the way it should have been made. But in order for my remake to be successful I need to analyze what worked, what didn’t work, and what REALLY didn’t work. So if you’ll allow me a little cathartic reflection here Ill delve into The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of Elizabethtown.
Note: If you haven’t seen Elizabethtown yet you should stop reading now because this contains more spoilers than the What Lies Beneath trailer. Also because you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. But then again, do you ever?
The Good:
*The music: It’s a Cameron Crowe movie so of course the use of music was outstanding. The “My Father’s Gun” scene and the “Freebird” scene rank up there among the very best Cameron Crowe music moments. They may not quite be “Tiny Dancer” in Almost Famous or “In Your Eyes” in Say Anything… but then what is? They are definitely on a level with “River” in Almost Famous and “Good Vibrations” in Vanilla Sky though. And there enough more good music moments that once again I have another Cameron Crowe movie soundtrack on my Christmas list. But I think we could have called that before I even saw it. I read in an interview with Cameron that he and Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino have an unofficial rivalry in regards to who can make the best use of existing pop songs in their movies. Well Cameron once again raised the stakes. Looks like you’ll have to do better than Dutch covers of David Bowie songs next time Wes. In fact there’s no way you could ever top Cameron so you should just give it up. And really after he became the first person to use “Solsbury Hill” in a trailer, wasn’t this competition pretty much over anyway? So Wes, just stop. Quit making movies altogether. What’s the point? Noah Baumbach is now all ready to take over for you. So quit now and hand over the reins. And while you’re at it, get the avian flu.
(Although I have to say that as great as it was, the “Freebird” scene was completely implausible. I mean why would the band keep playing in those circumstances? And what does it say about Cameron that so many of the best moments in his movies come when there’s only music playing and no dialogue? And why does it feel like maybe he would have been better off just making Elizabethtown a long music video with no speaking? And why did it feel like there was a little too much music and that it was being used to substitute for actual emotion? And that it seemed like he was trying to hard with his musical choices this time? And why do these things keep me up at night? And what does it say about the movie that all of this is under the heading “The Good”? And why am I going now to gouge my eyes out with a spoon?)
*Kirsten Dunst
I hate Kirsten Dunst. I am using the word hate here to describe Kirsten Dunst. I hate her personality. I hate her acting. I hate Jake Gyllenhaal by association. (Although after seeing Proof I think I can safely say I hate Jake Gyllenhaal on his own terms.) But the point is I really hate Kirsten Dunst. And yet I really liked her in this movie. A lot. In fact it almost made me rethink my whole anti-Kirsten Dunst position. Almost. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think casting her as Penny Lane would have been the worst disaster to befall American cinema since Singles. That is if Singles had ever actually happened. Which it didn’t. But at least now I could see how Cameron could have considered her for that role. And I have now said something nice about Kirsten Dunst. And if you want to include Virgin Suicides and Eternal Sunshine then I may have said three nice things about Kirsten Dunst.
And I also may hate myself in the morning.
So lets just pretend we never had this conversation shall we?
(Good as she may have been though, I still think a better actress could have done much more with that part. Like Rachael McAdams. Or my dead grandmother. And thinking too much about this movie might drive me insane. Moving on….)
*The “Cameron Crowe moments”: The almost kiss at the gas station. Orlando’s flashbacks to his memories of his father. The scene in the graveyard. The “My Father’s Gun” montage of family members. The first drive into town (which would have brilliant if it had been set up properly). Simple lines of dialogue like “we peaked on the phone” and “everyone is less mysterious than they think they are”. It’s in little things like these that the Cameron Crowe touch shines through and makes your $10.75 worth every penny.
The Bad:
*The pacing: It wasn’t that it was slow, it was just that so many scenes seemed unnecessary. Like for example, well, all of them.
*The implausibility of the road trip: a good concept but laughably implausible. I mean how could everything be timed out so precisely? Give me a break. But even with that being said I almost would have just gone along with it if only Cameron hadn’t included the part where the tape is timed out to know the exact moment the business magazine with Orlando Bloom on the cover would hit one specific newsstand. With that moment any shred of plausibility the road trip was clinging to went flying out the window like my dignity at a dance party.
*The fact it doesn’t end when it should: I said it to Garden State and Ill say it to you too Elizabethtown. You’re a movie about a guy coming of age in his own unique way - you shouldn’t reduce yourself to a trite love story. The “love story” is just one simple part of a much bigger whole. So don’t tack on some crowd-pleasing studio-mandated ending where you unrealistically reunite the guy with the girl. End when you should have - with the car riding off into the distance as your protagonist scatters his father’s ashes along the open road of some country highway with no one around for miles. You had a PERFECT last shot and you pussied out. Did you not watch A.I: Artificial Intelligence? When you’ve got a perfect ending, have the balls to use it. This is the most common complaint I have with movies these days. They so many times have scenes in them that would make perfect endings, but the filmmakers pussy out and feel the need to tack on some lame unnecessary resolution scene because they think we, the audience, need it. We don’t. Leave stuff unresolved. Leave us wanting more, not less. A good rule for all things in life. Especially movies.
*The fact that Cameron was repeating himself: Susan Sarandon was clearly playing his real life mother and Judy Greer was clearly playing his real life sister, which would be fine except for the fact that he already used both of them as prominent characters in a previous movie and so it seems like Susan Sarandon and Judy Greer are just doing bad Frances McDormand and Zooey Deschanel impersonations. And it’s distracting seeing the same characters played by new people, but there being no acknowledgment made that they are indeed the same characters. And the “taking pictures with an imaginary camera” thing Kristen Dunst does is a Penny Lane thing. And the wedding party at the hotel was just a take off on the Riot House. And it all just goes to show once you’ve done one overtly autobiographical movie you can’t reuse elements of that movie in any of your other movies. Unless of course you’re Woody Allen.
The Ugly:
*The beginning: Other than the last item on this list this was the most easily fixable thing that hurt the movie the most. (If that makes any sense.) If we don’t care about Drew and his failure and really become invested in his fall from grace, then movie doesn’t work. But instead of taking the time to allow us to do those things, the movie instead asked to care too much and too soon about a character we barely know. And to compound the problem, the movie tries to make jokes in the middle of his suffering leaving us completely confused as to how we’re supposed to be feeling. It all leads to a scene of him trying to kill himself using a knife taped to a bike, only the knife keeps falling off so he cant go through with it. This moment in many ways encapsulates so much about why the whole movie didn’t work. The tone is just completely off. Now I get what Cameron was going for – this guy’s life is so pathetic he can’t even kill himself properly. But if you don’t make his pain real and palpable and instead make jokes about it, then how can you expect the audience to care at all about his redemption? You can’t. And that’s just one bad choice among many that contribute to make the first segment of the movie a complete failure. The decision to make Alec Baldwin’s character so cartoonish, the decision to make the amount of money lost a little over the top and unrealistic, and the decision to make the issue at hand be shoes (the oddest choice of all as it's somewhat hard to take shoes seriously as the source of a life crippling tragedy) are all the wrong choices and they all contribute to throw the whole tone of the first scenes off. And since the first scenes set up the whole rest of the movie, if they don’t work then the movie doesn’t work. If you don’t feel Drew’s pain when he empties out his apartment then the emotions you should feel on his first drive through Elizabethtown wont be there. And they weren’t. But you could almost feel what they should have been had then been there. And that feeling of knowing that you SHOULD be feeling something, is way more feeling than anything that came before it in the movie caused me to feel.
And none of that made any sense.
Elizabethtown has officially driven me insane.
*The structure: I’ve seen the movie described as a series of disjointed vignettes. And I agree. And I hate to say it, but that’s solely the screenplay’s fault. Which means that almost more than anything else the movie didn’t work because of its screenplay. And that’s something I thought I would NEVER have to say about a Cameron Crowe movie.
*Orlando Bloom: When Elizabethtown was first announced several years ago as Cameron Crowe’s next project he had originally cast Ashton Kutcher as the lead. And that’s when I first started to worry about Elizabethtown. But then Cameron decided to let Ashton go and recast the part. “Whew”, I thought, “dodged that bullet”. I mean anyone else in the whole world had to be an improvement over Ashton Kutcher right? Wrong. There was someone worse. MUCH worse. And that person was Orlando Bloom. If this movie doesn’t ruin his entire career and ensure that he will never be taken seriously as an actor ever again then some is something seriously wrong with the American movie-going public. Because in Elizabethtown Orlando Bloom gives what has to be the worst performance in my lifetime by a “serious” “name” actor. I mean I can’t think of anyone worse. And by saying “serious” I eliminate action stars like Steven Segal, Sly Stallone, and Jackie Chan as well as comedians turned actors and anyone else (athletes, singers, models, etc.) who didn’t start out as an actor but used their fame in another field to become one. And by “name” actor I eliminate every crappy actor you’ve never heard of. And by “actor” I eliminate Keanu Reeves. But with those stipulations in place I can’t think of a worse performance by an actor in a major role in a major movie, in EVER. Well at least in the past 25 years or so. I never really thought one way or the other about Orlando Bloom before Elizabethtown, but now I will never be able to take him seriously as an actor in any movie for the entire rest of his career. That’s how bad he was. The entire movie was ruined because you had a protagonist who you completely didn’t care about because he gave you no reason to. His eyes were completely vacant. His American accent was completely awkward and unbelievable. And he seemed completely overmatched acting-wise in every scene he was in, including all of his scenes he had with Kirsten Dunst, which should tell you all you need to know. Make the exact same movie and recast someone even halfway decent as the lead and you’ve got yourself a successful movie. Instead, with Orlando Bloom you have…well…not much. He says it himself in the movie – there’s a difference between a failure and a fiasco. Yes there is. Elizabethtown is only a failure. Orlando Bloom is a fiasco.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Office Special & the last episode of Series 2
2.) Grey’s Anatomy
3.) The Squid and the Whale
3 & 1/2.) “Speak Slow” – Tegan & Sara
Thought of the Week:
When I was little it used to upset me greatly that Kevin didn’t marry Winnie at the end of The Wonder Years. Now I’ve grown into someone who gets upset by the fact that Dawn comes back for Tim at the end of The Office. That’s what age will do you I guess.
And then of course, I actually SAW Elizabethtown.
Now to be fair to Elizabethtown, it wasn’t as bad as most people have made it out to be. But then, the more I think about it, I think maybe I’m just too in denial to accept the truth. But then again, I think it wasn’t that it was so bad on its own terms, it was just bad considering what it could have been. And should have been. It should have been the movie Garden State wanted to be. It should have been my new favorite movie. It should have been the best Cameron Crowe film yet. I mean, I can’t think of an outline for a movie I would possibly like more: Guy fails at his job in the big city, becomes numb to the world, then has to go home to deal with his father’s death, and while there, he comes to terms with his southern roots and is helped on the road to redemption by music and by a girl who seems too good to be true but who hides demons of her own just beneath the surface. It was like Cameron read my mind and made the exact movie I would want to make if I made movies. He even threw in southern rock, a road trip, and eccentric southern relatives to complete his personal appeal to my heart. Only problem was on the road to creating my favorite movie of all-time he forgot one simple ingredient - to make a good movie. Instead he made a movie that was just wildly disappointing. As I told Lauren Morelli the other day, “It’s the only movie I’ve ever seen where I laughed, I cried, I cheered, I sat on the edge of my seat, and when it was over thought, ‘well that sucked.’”
And so I’ve now made it my personal mission in life to one day remake the movie the way it should have been made. But in order for my remake to be successful I need to analyze what worked, what didn’t work, and what REALLY didn’t work. So if you’ll allow me a little cathartic reflection here Ill delve into The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of Elizabethtown.
Note: If you haven’t seen Elizabethtown yet you should stop reading now because this contains more spoilers than the What Lies Beneath trailer. Also because you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. But then again, do you ever?
The Good:
*The music: It’s a Cameron Crowe movie so of course the use of music was outstanding. The “My Father’s Gun” scene and the “Freebird” scene rank up there among the very best Cameron Crowe music moments. They may not quite be “Tiny Dancer” in Almost Famous or “In Your Eyes” in Say Anything… but then what is? They are definitely on a level with “River” in Almost Famous and “Good Vibrations” in Vanilla Sky though. And there enough more good music moments that once again I have another Cameron Crowe movie soundtrack on my Christmas list. But I think we could have called that before I even saw it. I read in an interview with Cameron that he and Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino have an unofficial rivalry in regards to who can make the best use of existing pop songs in their movies. Well Cameron once again raised the stakes. Looks like you’ll have to do better than Dutch covers of David Bowie songs next time Wes. In fact there’s no way you could ever top Cameron so you should just give it up. And really after he became the first person to use “Solsbury Hill” in a trailer, wasn’t this competition pretty much over anyway? So Wes, just stop. Quit making movies altogether. What’s the point? Noah Baumbach is now all ready to take over for you. So quit now and hand over the reins. And while you’re at it, get the avian flu.
(Although I have to say that as great as it was, the “Freebird” scene was completely implausible. I mean why would the band keep playing in those circumstances? And what does it say about Cameron that so many of the best moments in his movies come when there’s only music playing and no dialogue? And why does it feel like maybe he would have been better off just making Elizabethtown a long music video with no speaking? And why did it feel like there was a little too much music and that it was being used to substitute for actual emotion? And that it seemed like he was trying to hard with his musical choices this time? And why do these things keep me up at night? And what does it say about the movie that all of this is under the heading “The Good”? And why am I going now to gouge my eyes out with a spoon?)
*Kirsten Dunst
I hate Kirsten Dunst. I am using the word hate here to describe Kirsten Dunst. I hate her personality. I hate her acting. I hate Jake Gyllenhaal by association. (Although after seeing Proof I think I can safely say I hate Jake Gyllenhaal on his own terms.) But the point is I really hate Kirsten Dunst. And yet I really liked her in this movie. A lot. In fact it almost made me rethink my whole anti-Kirsten Dunst position. Almost. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think casting her as Penny Lane would have been the worst disaster to befall American cinema since Singles. That is if Singles had ever actually happened. Which it didn’t. But at least now I could see how Cameron could have considered her for that role. And I have now said something nice about Kirsten Dunst. And if you want to include Virgin Suicides and Eternal Sunshine then I may have said three nice things about Kirsten Dunst.
And I also may hate myself in the morning.
So lets just pretend we never had this conversation shall we?
(Good as she may have been though, I still think a better actress could have done much more with that part. Like Rachael McAdams. Or my dead grandmother. And thinking too much about this movie might drive me insane. Moving on….)
*The “Cameron Crowe moments”: The almost kiss at the gas station. Orlando’s flashbacks to his memories of his father. The scene in the graveyard. The “My Father’s Gun” montage of family members. The first drive into town (which would have brilliant if it had been set up properly). Simple lines of dialogue like “we peaked on the phone” and “everyone is less mysterious than they think they are”. It’s in little things like these that the Cameron Crowe touch shines through and makes your $10.75 worth every penny.
The Bad:
*The pacing: It wasn’t that it was slow, it was just that so many scenes seemed unnecessary. Like for example, well, all of them.
*The implausibility of the road trip: a good concept but laughably implausible. I mean how could everything be timed out so precisely? Give me a break. But even with that being said I almost would have just gone along with it if only Cameron hadn’t included the part where the tape is timed out to know the exact moment the business magazine with Orlando Bloom on the cover would hit one specific newsstand. With that moment any shred of plausibility the road trip was clinging to went flying out the window like my dignity at a dance party.
*The fact it doesn’t end when it should: I said it to Garden State and Ill say it to you too Elizabethtown. You’re a movie about a guy coming of age in his own unique way - you shouldn’t reduce yourself to a trite love story. The “love story” is just one simple part of a much bigger whole. So don’t tack on some crowd-pleasing studio-mandated ending where you unrealistically reunite the guy with the girl. End when you should have - with the car riding off into the distance as your protagonist scatters his father’s ashes along the open road of some country highway with no one around for miles. You had a PERFECT last shot and you pussied out. Did you not watch A.I: Artificial Intelligence? When you’ve got a perfect ending, have the balls to use it. This is the most common complaint I have with movies these days. They so many times have scenes in them that would make perfect endings, but the filmmakers pussy out and feel the need to tack on some lame unnecessary resolution scene because they think we, the audience, need it. We don’t. Leave stuff unresolved. Leave us wanting more, not less. A good rule for all things in life. Especially movies.
*The fact that Cameron was repeating himself: Susan Sarandon was clearly playing his real life mother and Judy Greer was clearly playing his real life sister, which would be fine except for the fact that he already used both of them as prominent characters in a previous movie and so it seems like Susan Sarandon and Judy Greer are just doing bad Frances McDormand and Zooey Deschanel impersonations. And it’s distracting seeing the same characters played by new people, but there being no acknowledgment made that they are indeed the same characters. And the “taking pictures with an imaginary camera” thing Kristen Dunst does is a Penny Lane thing. And the wedding party at the hotel was just a take off on the Riot House. And it all just goes to show once you’ve done one overtly autobiographical movie you can’t reuse elements of that movie in any of your other movies. Unless of course you’re Woody Allen.
The Ugly:
*The beginning: Other than the last item on this list this was the most easily fixable thing that hurt the movie the most. (If that makes any sense.) If we don’t care about Drew and his failure and really become invested in his fall from grace, then movie doesn’t work. But instead of taking the time to allow us to do those things, the movie instead asked to care too much and too soon about a character we barely know. And to compound the problem, the movie tries to make jokes in the middle of his suffering leaving us completely confused as to how we’re supposed to be feeling. It all leads to a scene of him trying to kill himself using a knife taped to a bike, only the knife keeps falling off so he cant go through with it. This moment in many ways encapsulates so much about why the whole movie didn’t work. The tone is just completely off. Now I get what Cameron was going for – this guy’s life is so pathetic he can’t even kill himself properly. But if you don’t make his pain real and palpable and instead make jokes about it, then how can you expect the audience to care at all about his redemption? You can’t. And that’s just one bad choice among many that contribute to make the first segment of the movie a complete failure. The decision to make Alec Baldwin’s character so cartoonish, the decision to make the amount of money lost a little over the top and unrealistic, and the decision to make the issue at hand be shoes (the oddest choice of all as it's somewhat hard to take shoes seriously as the source of a life crippling tragedy) are all the wrong choices and they all contribute to throw the whole tone of the first scenes off. And since the first scenes set up the whole rest of the movie, if they don’t work then the movie doesn’t work. If you don’t feel Drew’s pain when he empties out his apartment then the emotions you should feel on his first drive through Elizabethtown wont be there. And they weren’t. But you could almost feel what they should have been had then been there. And that feeling of knowing that you SHOULD be feeling something, is way more feeling than anything that came before it in the movie caused me to feel.
And none of that made any sense.
Elizabethtown has officially driven me insane.
*The structure: I’ve seen the movie described as a series of disjointed vignettes. And I agree. And I hate to say it, but that’s solely the screenplay’s fault. Which means that almost more than anything else the movie didn’t work because of its screenplay. And that’s something I thought I would NEVER have to say about a Cameron Crowe movie.
*Orlando Bloom: When Elizabethtown was first announced several years ago as Cameron Crowe’s next project he had originally cast Ashton Kutcher as the lead. And that’s when I first started to worry about Elizabethtown. But then Cameron decided to let Ashton go and recast the part. “Whew”, I thought, “dodged that bullet”. I mean anyone else in the whole world had to be an improvement over Ashton Kutcher right? Wrong. There was someone worse. MUCH worse. And that person was Orlando Bloom. If this movie doesn’t ruin his entire career and ensure that he will never be taken seriously as an actor ever again then some is something seriously wrong with the American movie-going public. Because in Elizabethtown Orlando Bloom gives what has to be the worst performance in my lifetime by a “serious” “name” actor. I mean I can’t think of anyone worse. And by saying “serious” I eliminate action stars like Steven Segal, Sly Stallone, and Jackie Chan as well as comedians turned actors and anyone else (athletes, singers, models, etc.) who didn’t start out as an actor but used their fame in another field to become one. And by “name” actor I eliminate every crappy actor you’ve never heard of. And by “actor” I eliminate Keanu Reeves. But with those stipulations in place I can’t think of a worse performance by an actor in a major role in a major movie, in EVER. Well at least in the past 25 years or so. I never really thought one way or the other about Orlando Bloom before Elizabethtown, but now I will never be able to take him seriously as an actor in any movie for the entire rest of his career. That’s how bad he was. The entire movie was ruined because you had a protagonist who you completely didn’t care about because he gave you no reason to. His eyes were completely vacant. His American accent was completely awkward and unbelievable. And he seemed completely overmatched acting-wise in every scene he was in, including all of his scenes he had with Kirsten Dunst, which should tell you all you need to know. Make the exact same movie and recast someone even halfway decent as the lead and you’ve got yourself a successful movie. Instead, with Orlando Bloom you have…well…not much. He says it himself in the movie – there’s a difference between a failure and a fiasco. Yes there is. Elizabethtown is only a failure. Orlando Bloom is a fiasco.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Office Special & the last episode of Series 2
2.) Grey’s Anatomy
3.) The Squid and the Whale
3 & 1/2.) “Speak Slow” – Tegan & Sara
Thought of the Week:
When I was little it used to upset me greatly that Kevin didn’t marry Winnie at the end of The Wonder Years. Now I’ve grown into someone who gets upset by the fact that Dawn comes back for Tim at the end of The Office. That’s what age will do you I guess.
Friday, October 28, 2005
More Lists Mostly About Music
When its time to phone a column in that can only mean one thing: Its time for More Lists Mostly About Music
Top 3 & 1/2 Misleading Rap Names:
1.) Dr. Dre - Not really a Doctor
2.) Lil’ John - Not really that little
3.) Usher - Not really an usher
3 & 1/2.) Dirt McGirt – Not actually dirt
Top 3 & 1/2 90’s Songs by One Hit Wonders Whose Names Start With “The”:
1.) “Bohemian Like You” – The Dandy Warhols
2.) “You Get What You Give” – The New Radicals
3.) “There She Goes” – The La’s
3 & 1/2.) “The Freshmen” – The Verve
Top 3 & 1/2 Good Occasions To Yell Out “Freebird!”:
1.) During a performance by the New York Philharmonic
2.) During a lull in a comedian’s set
3.) During sex
3 & 1/2.) At the pet store
Top 3 & 1/2 Signs You Have Too Much Music:
1.) You’ve begun looking into buying a third Ipod
2.) It takes greater than 3 minutes for your iTunes to finish loading
3.) You’ve seriously contemplated deleting Microsoft Office including Word from your computer in order to make room for more music
3 & 1/2.) People who have a lot of music see how much music you have and they say “damn, you’ve got a lot of music”
Top 3 & 1/2 Songs That Explain an Entire Artistic Output:
1.) “Silly Love Songs” – Paul McCartney
2.) “All About the Benjamins” – Puff Daddy
3.) “Sexuality” – Prince
3 & 1/2.) “I Suck Ass” – Gwen Stefani
Top 3 & 1/2 Alternate Titles for A History of Violence:
1.) A History of Violence Which I Will Inflict Upon Screenwriter Josh Olson
2.) A History of Improbability
3.) A History of Bad Acting
3 & 1/2.) A History of Giving Me Back My $10.75
Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix Tape:
1.) Dynamite Hack – "Boyz in the Hood" (maybe the greatest cover ever)
2.) British Sea Power – "Please Stand Up"
3.) The Arcade Fire – "Rebellion (Lies)"
3 & 1/2.) Loretta Lynn feat. Jack White – "Portland Oregon"
Top 3 & 1/2 Bono Lyrics I Can think of Off the Top of My Head:
1.) “I have run/I have crawled/ I have scaled these city walls/Only to be with you/And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” (one of the greatest lyrics of all time)
2.) “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”
3.) “The more you know the less you feel”
3 & 1/2.) “You gave me nothing now it’s all I got”
Top 3 & 1/2 Thought Recently Had While at the Movies:
1.) It should be a rule that any movie that features William Hurt (A History of Violence for example) and doesn’t mention this fact in its trailer should include a warning before you buy your ticket. To be blindsided by it in the opening credits after you already spent your $10.50 is unfair. Also, has there ever been a more aptly last-named person?
2.) The fact that I have yet to see the trailer for Brokeback Mountain without it eliciting lots of uncomfortable laughter from the audience doesn’t bode well for its chances in the rest of the country. But I think we already knew that.
3.) After having seen the trailer for Match Point one my favorite moments in theaters now is when at the end of the trailer it flashes the words “directed by Woody Allen” and people in the theater audibly gasp. Especially now that I know it’s coming, it’s almost worth the price of admission.
3 & 1/2.) Speaking of trailers, has a movie ever previously won Best Picture before its trailer was even released or will Munich be the first one? And does this mean that it’s the anti-Million Dollar Baby? And where exactly can I find a life?
Top 3 & 1/2 Things To Say To The People In Times Square Passing Out Fliers For Comedy Clubs When They Ask “Do You Like Stand Up Comedy?” That Might (MIGHT) Actually Get Them to Leave You Alone
1.) Do you like stand up anal fisting?
2.) My mom’s dead. Thanks a lot asshole.
3.) I don’t speak English.
3 & 1/2.) Stand up comedy?!? I LOVE stand up comedy!!! Thank you SOOO much for this flier. I will treasure it for the rest of my life. (hug them)
Top 3 & 1/2 Random Moments in Music That I Really Enjoy
1.) The moment when the vocals start on “Ice Ice Baby” and you know for sure that its not “Under Pressure”
2.) When John Lennon sings “I don’t believe in Beatles” in “God”
3.) When Frank Black yells “Then God is SEVEN!” in “Monkey Gone to Heaven”
3 & 1/2.) When Michael Jackson tells Paul McCartney, “Paul, I’m a lover not a fighter” in “The Girl is Mine” because really, did anyone think Michael Jackson WAS a fighter?
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The NL Champion Houston Astros
2.) “My Father’s Gun” – Elton John (the best thing about Elizabethtown)
3.) Capote
3 & 1/2.) Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof
Thought of the Week: I need a haircut like a bitch needs a slap. Which is to say I REALLY need a haircut. And you don’t care.
Top 3 & 1/2 Misleading Rap Names:
1.) Dr. Dre - Not really a Doctor
2.) Lil’ John - Not really that little
3.) Usher - Not really an usher
3 & 1/2.) Dirt McGirt – Not actually dirt
Top 3 & 1/2 90’s Songs by One Hit Wonders Whose Names Start With “The”:
1.) “Bohemian Like You” – The Dandy Warhols
2.) “You Get What You Give” – The New Radicals
3.) “There She Goes” – The La’s
3 & 1/2.) “The Freshmen” – The Verve
Top 3 & 1/2 Good Occasions To Yell Out “Freebird!”:
1.) During a performance by the New York Philharmonic
2.) During a lull in a comedian’s set
3.) During sex
3 & 1/2.) At the pet store
Top 3 & 1/2 Signs You Have Too Much Music:
1.) You’ve begun looking into buying a third Ipod
2.) It takes greater than 3 minutes for your iTunes to finish loading
3.) You’ve seriously contemplated deleting Microsoft Office including Word from your computer in order to make room for more music
3 & 1/2.) People who have a lot of music see how much music you have and they say “damn, you’ve got a lot of music”
Top 3 & 1/2 Songs That Explain an Entire Artistic Output:
1.) “Silly Love Songs” – Paul McCartney
2.) “All About the Benjamins” – Puff Daddy
3.) “Sexuality” – Prince
3 & 1/2.) “I Suck Ass” – Gwen Stefani
Top 3 & 1/2 Alternate Titles for A History of Violence:
1.) A History of Violence Which I Will Inflict Upon Screenwriter Josh Olson
2.) A History of Improbability
3.) A History of Bad Acting
3 & 1/2.) A History of Giving Me Back My $10.75
Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix Tape:
1.) Dynamite Hack – "Boyz in the Hood" (maybe the greatest cover ever)
2.) British Sea Power – "Please Stand Up"
3.) The Arcade Fire – "Rebellion (Lies)"
3 & 1/2.) Loretta Lynn feat. Jack White – "Portland Oregon"
Top 3 & 1/2 Bono Lyrics I Can think of Off the Top of My Head:
1.) “I have run/I have crawled/ I have scaled these city walls/Only to be with you/And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” (one of the greatest lyrics of all time)
2.) “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”
3.) “The more you know the less you feel”
3 & 1/2.) “You gave me nothing now it’s all I got”
Top 3 & 1/2 Thought Recently Had While at the Movies:
1.) It should be a rule that any movie that features William Hurt (A History of Violence for example) and doesn’t mention this fact in its trailer should include a warning before you buy your ticket. To be blindsided by it in the opening credits after you already spent your $10.50 is unfair. Also, has there ever been a more aptly last-named person?
2.) The fact that I have yet to see the trailer for Brokeback Mountain without it eliciting lots of uncomfortable laughter from the audience doesn’t bode well for its chances in the rest of the country. But I think we already knew that.
3.) After having seen the trailer for Match Point one my favorite moments in theaters now is when at the end of the trailer it flashes the words “directed by Woody Allen” and people in the theater audibly gasp. Especially now that I know it’s coming, it’s almost worth the price of admission.
3 & 1/2.) Speaking of trailers, has a movie ever previously won Best Picture before its trailer was even released or will Munich be the first one? And does this mean that it’s the anti-Million Dollar Baby? And where exactly can I find a life?
Top 3 & 1/2 Things To Say To The People In Times Square Passing Out Fliers For Comedy Clubs When They Ask “Do You Like Stand Up Comedy?” That Might (MIGHT) Actually Get Them to Leave You Alone
1.) Do you like stand up anal fisting?
2.) My mom’s dead. Thanks a lot asshole.
3.) I don’t speak English.
3 & 1/2.) Stand up comedy?!? I LOVE stand up comedy!!! Thank you SOOO much for this flier. I will treasure it for the rest of my life. (hug them)
Top 3 & 1/2 Random Moments in Music That I Really Enjoy
1.) The moment when the vocals start on “Ice Ice Baby” and you know for sure that its not “Under Pressure”
2.) When John Lennon sings “I don’t believe in Beatles” in “God”
3.) When Frank Black yells “Then God is SEVEN!” in “Monkey Gone to Heaven”
3 & 1/2.) When Michael Jackson tells Paul McCartney, “Paul, I’m a lover not a fighter” in “The Girl is Mine” because really, did anyone think Michael Jackson WAS a fighter?
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The NL Champion Houston Astros
2.) “My Father’s Gun” – Elton John (the best thing about Elizabethtown)
3.) Capote
3 & 1/2.) Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof
Thought of the Week: I need a haircut like a bitch needs a slap. Which is to say I REALLY need a haircut. And you don’t care.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Feast on Scraps
“The more you talk the less people listen” – Meg White
You know you take acting superstitions a little too far when you refer to McDonalds as “The Scottish Restaurant”
I think I speak for us all when I say “mamma say mamma saw ma ma cu saw”
“After 40 years of devoted service he made the classic mistake. He made a mistake”
- Jon Stewart on Dan Rather
Am I the only one who never realized “Please Please Me” was about sex? All this time I thought is was just about good manners.
“Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the head with a big rubber basketball shoe.”
- Hunter S. Thompson
I am convinced Key Foods buys their apples from midget farmers.
“If she keeps putting you on hold, it's time to hang up the phone, pardner.”
- Larry King
Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.
(Note: As soon as I get time to watch season 2 on DVD there will be a full length article about The West Wing. You have my word on it.)
I think this year’s Oscar contenders will be hard pressed to come up with a better movie moment than Hilary Swank getting sucker punched into a coma.
“Computer games don’t affect kids. I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids we’d all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive music” – Kristen Wilson - Nintendo Inc, 1989
I wonder how one chooses Central Park clown with good parenting messages as a career?
Entertainment Weekly: “You're a whole lot better looking than most comedians. Is being an attractive woman in this industry a blessing or a curse?”
Sarah Silverman: “It hasn't kept me from playing assholes. Plus I get tons of sex! On a serious note, I'm very, very beautiful.”
I don’t want to Rosh Hashanna. I’d rather take my time.
WOODY ALLEN: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollock, isn't it?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: Yes it is.
WOODY ALLEN: What does it say to you?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: It restates the negativeness of the universe, the hideous lonely emptiness of existence, nothingness, the predicament of man forced to live in a barren, godless eternity, like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void, with nothing but waste, horror, and degradation, forming a useless bleak straightjacket in a black absurd cosmos.
WOODY ALLEN: What are you doing Saturday night?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: Committing suicide.
WOODY ALLEN: What about Friday night?
GIRL IN MUSEUM: [leaves silently]
“One night I couldn’t sleep so I decided to Nair my ass” – random conversation overheard on the subway
Me: (Some inappropriate comment about Jesus masturbating)
Caroline McGraw: Andy, I don’t want to hear about that. What happens in Nazareth, stays in Nazareth.
What’s the deal with observational comedy?
“-What do we think about when we’re trying not to think?
-I dunno. Ask America.”
I don’t care about your apathy.
One quote I never understood: “Here’s looking at you kid”
Not only is it grammatically incorrect, but it seems to be kind of stating the obvious. Either that or I just don’t get it.
I would like to just once, leave a numeric page.
“We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.” – Plan 9 From Outer Space
“The only difference between comedy and tragedy is where you choose to stop telling the story”
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) MLB Playoffs
2.) “Now I Can Die in Peace” – Bill Simmons (book)
3.) “The Shining” trailer - http://www.ps260.com/molly/SHINING%20FINAL.mov
3 & 1/2.) Keyspan Park in Brooklyn
Thought of the Week:
Come see my play The Revelation Circus. Well not so much “my play” but I am in it. For info go to: http://www.revelationcircus.com/ or get tickets for only $10 if you register and order them on www.theatermania.com.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Guilty as Charged
Hi there. I’m writing really small because I have an important and very personal secret to reveal to you today.
I like a Kelly Clarkson song.
Yes, that Kelly Clarkson. I like one of her songs.
No I don’t think U you understand. I really, REALLY like a Kelly Clarkson song. I like a Kelly Clarkson song so much that after living in place for seven months that didn’t allow me to illegally download music the first thing I did upon setting up my computer in my new place was to download said Kelly Clarkson song. I did that before I even hooked up my printer or speakers. That’s how much I like “Since U Been Gone”. And believe it or not, I’m not even gay! So I don’t even have a valid excuse.
Oh yeah, except this one: It’s a good song.
Now I do realize I’m revealing this secret on the internet in an online blog, the province of the innately hip and judgmental. I know that people like you never let arguments like “it’s a good song” get in the way of your cultural superiority. But guess what? You like it too. Don’t worry though, Ted Leo said its okay. In fact he liked the song so much he did a cover of it. That’s right, Mr. Ted Leo, of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – the most hip pretentious band name since Stephan Malkimus and the Jicks or whatever Billy Corgan’s next band is called - did a cover of “Since U Been Gone”. So there. Fredtheonlinejournal and Ted Leo both have publicly stated they like “Since U Been Gone”. What you got to say about that?
Now “cool” people have been secretly liking “manufactured radio friendly pop songs” since the beginning of time. I’m sure Olaf the Caveman used to keep his Goldor Boys CDs in a special CD case under his bed where no one would find them. And this continues today. I know you’ve got your ABBA Gold in between your A Tribe Called Quest and your Aphex Twin on your Ipod. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And that’s what me and Ted Leo are here to tell you: Stop feeling guilty about your guilty pleasures.
Now I know all the reasons one “should” feel guilty about liking a radio friendly pop song produced by some faceless corporate entity and performed by some prepackaged artificial pop star, but I aint buyin any of them. As proof let me one by one remove them from my ideological shopping cart so we can proceed to the conclusion without them.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t write their own songs!”
Well neither did Elvis or Frank Sinatra or Aretha Franklin. Hell Bobby Darin’s entire career was founded on a song by Bertolt Brecht. Ray Charles didn’t write “Georgia on My Mind” On”, Sinead O’Connor didn’t write “Nothing Compares to U”, Marvin Gaye wasn’t the original author of “Whats Goin On” and Sisquo didn’t write “The Thong Song”. Does that somehow make them not as good? Actually lets just forget that last one. I think Sisquo actually DID write “The Thong Song”.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t play their own instruments!”
Did Otis Redding play an instrument? Did Robert Plant? Does Bono? Does Meg White?
*”(Fill in the blank) is so mainstream and/or lacking in artistic merit!”
You know who was the biggest mainstream pop band of all time? The Beatles. I mean what else would you classify their music as? You know who else is “pop”? The B-52s, Brian Wilson, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Phil Spector, Carol King, Prince, Steely Dan, Todd Rundgren, ELO, The Bee Gees, and the list goes on and on. You like any music by any of those artists? Then what’s the big deal?
Well, let me assume some things about the general attitude many people around here have towards pop music because we all know what assuming does.
It makes me really cool.
“Pop” is short for “popular”. Which is what you weren’t earlier in life, or maybe even today. Okay, I get it. But don’t take it out on music. “Mmmbop” never shoved you in a locker. “Cry Me A River” never wouldn’t go to the dance with you. “Fred the Online Journal” didn’t just use a double negative in that last sentence. “I’m” not a liar. But I am veering wildly off track. Point is, get down off your high horse and accept that just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact if the goal of art is to express universal truths then shouldn’t it stand to reason that the art that speaks to the greatest number of people is greater than the art that speaks to only a few. “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, “Joshua Tree”, “American Idiot”, “Nevermind”, “OK Computer”- these are albums that are able to be of the highest artistic quality and yet also be found in nearly everyone’s CD collection. Now of course those are all “cool” albums, but we all know you have “Thriller”, “Cracked Rear View”, “Justified”, “Devil Without a Cause”, “Saturday Night Fever”, “The Immaculate Collection”, a few 20th Century Master’s CDs, and who knows what else too. And you know what? Those albums aren’t any less valid. They serve just as a great a purpose as the ones on the first list. And I should know because I own them all too. And I’m proud of it. Because SOMETHING about those multi-million copy selling CDs speaks to great numbers of people, even if the only thing it speaks to is the desire to “shake your ass” and/or “watch yourself”. But even if getting you to dance is its only real goal, popular mainstream songs definitely serve an invaluable role in the world. Pop music strives to create a shared experience among all people. A sort of musical bond. Put on Wilco at a social function and it’s nice and all, but put on “YMCA” “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Ice Ice Baby” and see what happens. The world needs songs that EVERYONE knows and enjoys.
Also, these songs often speak in the most direct way to universal themes. Love, betrayal, lust, longing, hurt. You know, those cliché things called emotions. You can’t tell me that “Sometimes” by Britney Spears and “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguliara aren’t deep in their own ways. And explain to me how Beck singing “Na na Na na na na Na na” or “flashdance asspants” is any more artistically valid than Hanson singing “Mmmbop ba du ba dop Ba du bop”. Is it just because he’s Beck and they’re Hanson? That argument won’t hold up in court.
Instead of fighting it, just embrace that fact that sometimes when you need a little directness or a little nonsense it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. Which brings us back to “Since U Been Gone”, a song that carries on the proud tradition of “I Will Survive”, “Survivor”, and everything else in the “I’m Better Off Without You” genre. Sure when you have a breakup, “Sea Change” and Elliot Smith are nice. But I bet some mid 90’s country music and “Since U Been Gone” work pretty good too.
Someone wiser than I once said there’s not “high art” and “low art”, there’s just “art”. And I think that’s true. And in fact trying to go against that maxim usually leads to trouble. For as many songs as there are like “Since U Been Gone” that shouldn’t be good but are, there are just as many songs that should be good but aren’t because they try so hard to be “artistic”. For exhibits A-Z turn to Bright Eyes’ “When the President Talks to God”. It’s a great song lyrically and I firmly believe it could have actually made a difference in the election if the words and ideas in it had been heard by more people. But of course Connor Oberst wrapped his lyrics in a strictly acoustic song devoid of any rhythm or melody. If he had actually wanted to make a difference with his song he would have added a bunch of “music” to it, actually bothered to sing the words, and given it some sort of catchy or memorable or at least existent melody. That way it could have been played on the radio reached the people who needed to hear it and really made a difference in the world. Instead he refused to sacrifice one ounce of his “indie cred” to actually make a difference in the world and instead made the song as hip and inaccessible as possible insuring that it would only ever be heard by and affect those who already agreed with him in the first place. It would be like if John Fogarty had said “hey I’ve got this song ‘Fortunate Son’ but instead of putting a melody to it and singing the words, I’m gonna strum a chord on my acoustic guitar every few seconds and speak the words in a really grating aggressive pretentious voice.” I mean, it’s just ridiculous. Most these “indie bands” will never change the world because they hold it in such contempt. Their fear of pop and the common man will hold them back from ever really making an impact on the world. Ironic that liberalism is supposed to be about openness and acceptance and yet “we” can’t tolerate anyone different than us, or who listens to Britney Spears.
Now this isn’t to defend someone who only listens to pop. But it’s just speaking out against people who aren’t well rounded and accepting of good art and entertainment no matter where it might come from. The person who only listens to Britney Spears is no worse than the person who only listens to jazz or only listens to hip hop. One may be stupid and the other just too specialized, but either way they are both missing out on the fullness of life. So don’t be that guy or gal who takes that pretentious tone and says “I don’t watch TV” or “I don’t listen to the radio” or some other such thing. Such there’s a lot of crap out there, but there’s a lot of good too. Now this is coming from someone who’s as guilty of these sins as anyone, but it’s also coming from someone who coined the phrase “just because it’s on the radio doesn’t mean its bad”. And it’s that side of me I’m going to listen to now. I’m committed to becoming a reformed cultural snob. I can change. We all can. And that’s why I’m admitting to all of this here today.
So repeat after me:
“If it’s good, it’s good…even if Kelly Clarkson sings it”
It’s alright, just say it. Pop music wont bite. It’s perfectly harmless. In fact the way I see it, pop music is like chocolate- it doesn’t really provide any nourishment and if you ate it all the time you would be a fat slovenly bum who would die of a heart attack at age 40, but it does bring pleasure to your life, and when you DO eat it, it’s damn good. So eat your vegetables and your fruits and your grilled chicken pita wraps, but don’t forget dessert. And when you eat that dessert, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel “guilty”. Because unless you’re friends with Laura Flynn Boyle, then everyone you know eats their fair share of sweets. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Indulge a little and don’t be embarrassed about it or feel the need to pretend you didn’t enjoy it or purge it from your system afterwards. Don’t be cultural bulimics. Don’t feel bad about enjoying “The Wedding Crashers”. Don’t hide your copy of “Mean Girls” when you have company. Don’t act like you don’t know the words to “Baby Got Back”. Because when it comes to songs like “Baby Got Back” and “Since U Been Gone” you can’t say they are not catchy, or that they don’t make you want to get up and dance (or at least move around excitedly).
But if you want to accuse them of giving you pleasure…well then…I guess they’re guilty.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Rita Watch (word to my peeps in H-Town)
2.) Common - "Be" (album)
3.) Scrabble
3 & 1/2.) ESPN
Thought of the Week:
"I dont think there are going to be any parents naming their kids Katrina for at least five years now. Just like there havent been too many kids born lately named Nine Eleven." - Caroline McGraw
I like a Kelly Clarkson song.
Yes, that Kelly Clarkson. I like one of her songs.
No I don’t think U you understand. I really, REALLY like a Kelly Clarkson song. I like a Kelly Clarkson song so much that after living in place for seven months that didn’t allow me to illegally download music the first thing I did upon setting up my computer in my new place was to download said Kelly Clarkson song. I did that before I even hooked up my printer or speakers. That’s how much I like “Since U Been Gone”. And believe it or not, I’m not even gay! So I don’t even have a valid excuse.
Oh yeah, except this one: It’s a good song.
Now I do realize I’m revealing this secret on the internet in an online blog, the province of the innately hip and judgmental. I know that people like you never let arguments like “it’s a good song” get in the way of your cultural superiority. But guess what? You like it too. Don’t worry though, Ted Leo said its okay. In fact he liked the song so much he did a cover of it. That’s right, Mr. Ted Leo, of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – the most hip pretentious band name since Stephan Malkimus and the Jicks or whatever Billy Corgan’s next band is called - did a cover of “Since U Been Gone”. So there. Fredtheonlinejournal and Ted Leo both have publicly stated they like “Since U Been Gone”. What you got to say about that?
Now “cool” people have been secretly liking “manufactured radio friendly pop songs” since the beginning of time. I’m sure Olaf the Caveman used to keep his Goldor Boys CDs in a special CD case under his bed where no one would find them. And this continues today. I know you’ve got your ABBA Gold in between your A Tribe Called Quest and your Aphex Twin on your Ipod. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And that’s what me and Ted Leo are here to tell you: Stop feeling guilty about your guilty pleasures.
Now I know all the reasons one “should” feel guilty about liking a radio friendly pop song produced by some faceless corporate entity and performed by some prepackaged artificial pop star, but I aint buyin any of them. As proof let me one by one remove them from my ideological shopping cart so we can proceed to the conclusion without them.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t write their own songs!”
Well neither did Elvis or Frank Sinatra or Aretha Franklin. Hell Bobby Darin’s entire career was founded on a song by Bertolt Brecht. Ray Charles didn’t write “Georgia on My Mind” On”, Sinead O’Connor didn’t write “Nothing Compares to U”, Marvin Gaye wasn’t the original author of “Whats Goin On” and Sisquo didn’t write “The Thong Song”. Does that somehow make them not as good? Actually lets just forget that last one. I think Sisquo actually DID write “The Thong Song”.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t play their own instruments!”
Did Otis Redding play an instrument? Did Robert Plant? Does Bono? Does Meg White?
*”(Fill in the blank) is so mainstream and/or lacking in artistic merit!”
You know who was the biggest mainstream pop band of all time? The Beatles. I mean what else would you classify their music as? You know who else is “pop”? The B-52s, Brian Wilson, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Phil Spector, Carol King, Prince, Steely Dan, Todd Rundgren, ELO, The Bee Gees, and the list goes on and on. You like any music by any of those artists? Then what’s the big deal?
Well, let me assume some things about the general attitude many people around here have towards pop music because we all know what assuming does.
It makes me really cool.
“Pop” is short for “popular”. Which is what you weren’t earlier in life, or maybe even today. Okay, I get it. But don’t take it out on music. “Mmmbop” never shoved you in a locker. “Cry Me A River” never wouldn’t go to the dance with you. “Fred the Online Journal” didn’t just use a double negative in that last sentence. “I’m” not a liar. But I am veering wildly off track. Point is, get down off your high horse and accept that just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact if the goal of art is to express universal truths then shouldn’t it stand to reason that the art that speaks to the greatest number of people is greater than the art that speaks to only a few. “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, “Joshua Tree”, “American Idiot”, “Nevermind”, “OK Computer”- these are albums that are able to be of the highest artistic quality and yet also be found in nearly everyone’s CD collection. Now of course those are all “cool” albums, but we all know you have “Thriller”, “Cracked Rear View”, “Justified”, “Devil Without a Cause”, “Saturday Night Fever”, “The Immaculate Collection”, a few 20th Century Master’s CDs, and who knows what else too. And you know what? Those albums aren’t any less valid. They serve just as a great a purpose as the ones on the first list. And I should know because I own them all too. And I’m proud of it. Because SOMETHING about those multi-million copy selling CDs speaks to great numbers of people, even if the only thing it speaks to is the desire to “shake your ass” and/or “watch yourself”. But even if getting you to dance is its only real goal, popular mainstream songs definitely serve an invaluable role in the world. Pop music strives to create a shared experience among all people. A sort of musical bond. Put on Wilco at a social function and it’s nice and all, but put on “YMCA” “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Ice Ice Baby” and see what happens. The world needs songs that EVERYONE knows and enjoys.
Also, these songs often speak in the most direct way to universal themes. Love, betrayal, lust, longing, hurt. You know, those cliché things called emotions. You can’t tell me that “Sometimes” by Britney Spears and “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguliara aren’t deep in their own ways. And explain to me how Beck singing “Na na Na na na na Na na” or “flashdance asspants” is any more artistically valid than Hanson singing “Mmmbop ba du ba dop Ba du bop”. Is it just because he’s Beck and they’re Hanson? That argument won’t hold up in court.
Instead of fighting it, just embrace that fact that sometimes when you need a little directness or a little nonsense it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. Which brings us back to “Since U Been Gone”, a song that carries on the proud tradition of “I Will Survive”, “Survivor”, and everything else in the “I’m Better Off Without You” genre. Sure when you have a breakup, “Sea Change” and Elliot Smith are nice. But I bet some mid 90’s country music and “Since U Been Gone” work pretty good too.
Someone wiser than I once said there’s not “high art” and “low art”, there’s just “art”. And I think that’s true. And in fact trying to go against that maxim usually leads to trouble. For as many songs as there are like “Since U Been Gone” that shouldn’t be good but are, there are just as many songs that should be good but aren’t because they try so hard to be “artistic”. For exhibits A-Z turn to Bright Eyes’ “When the President Talks to God”. It’s a great song lyrically and I firmly believe it could have actually made a difference in the election if the words and ideas in it had been heard by more people. But of course Connor Oberst wrapped his lyrics in a strictly acoustic song devoid of any rhythm or melody. If he had actually wanted to make a difference with his song he would have added a bunch of “music” to it, actually bothered to sing the words, and given it some sort of catchy or memorable or at least existent melody. That way it could have been played on the radio reached the people who needed to hear it and really made a difference in the world. Instead he refused to sacrifice one ounce of his “indie cred” to actually make a difference in the world and instead made the song as hip and inaccessible as possible insuring that it would only ever be heard by and affect those who already agreed with him in the first place. It would be like if John Fogarty had said “hey I’ve got this song ‘Fortunate Son’ but instead of putting a melody to it and singing the words, I’m gonna strum a chord on my acoustic guitar every few seconds and speak the words in a really grating aggressive pretentious voice.” I mean, it’s just ridiculous. Most these “indie bands” will never change the world because they hold it in such contempt. Their fear of pop and the common man will hold them back from ever really making an impact on the world. Ironic that liberalism is supposed to be about openness and acceptance and yet “we” can’t tolerate anyone different than us, or who listens to Britney Spears.
Now this isn’t to defend someone who only listens to pop. But it’s just speaking out against people who aren’t well rounded and accepting of good art and entertainment no matter where it might come from. The person who only listens to Britney Spears is no worse than the person who only listens to jazz or only listens to hip hop. One may be stupid and the other just too specialized, but either way they are both missing out on the fullness of life. So don’t be that guy or gal who takes that pretentious tone and says “I don’t watch TV” or “I don’t listen to the radio” or some other such thing. Such there’s a lot of crap out there, but there’s a lot of good too. Now this is coming from someone who’s as guilty of these sins as anyone, but it’s also coming from someone who coined the phrase “just because it’s on the radio doesn’t mean its bad”. And it’s that side of me I’m going to listen to now. I’m committed to becoming a reformed cultural snob. I can change. We all can. And that’s why I’m admitting to all of this here today.
So repeat after me:
“If it’s good, it’s good…even if Kelly Clarkson sings it”
It’s alright, just say it. Pop music wont bite. It’s perfectly harmless. In fact the way I see it, pop music is like chocolate- it doesn’t really provide any nourishment and if you ate it all the time you would be a fat slovenly bum who would die of a heart attack at age 40, but it does bring pleasure to your life, and when you DO eat it, it’s damn good. So eat your vegetables and your fruits and your grilled chicken pita wraps, but don’t forget dessert. And when you eat that dessert, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel “guilty”. Because unless you’re friends with Laura Flynn Boyle, then everyone you know eats their fair share of sweets. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Indulge a little and don’t be embarrassed about it or feel the need to pretend you didn’t enjoy it or purge it from your system afterwards. Don’t be cultural bulimics. Don’t feel bad about enjoying “The Wedding Crashers”. Don’t hide your copy of “Mean Girls” when you have company. Don’t act like you don’t know the words to “Baby Got Back”. Because when it comes to songs like “Baby Got Back” and “Since U Been Gone” you can’t say they are not catchy, or that they don’t make you want to get up and dance (or at least move around excitedly).
But if you want to accuse them of giving you pleasure…well then…I guess they’re guilty.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Rita Watch (word to my peeps in H-Town)
2.) Common - "Be" (album)
3.) Scrabble
3 & 1/2.) ESPN
Thought of the Week:
"I dont think there are going to be any parents naming their kids Katrina for at least five years now. Just like there havent been too many kids born lately named Nine Eleven." - Caroline McGraw
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
MTV Killed the Video Star
Sometimes you know things will disappoint you but you do them anyway. Watching Saturday Night Live, paying to see a new Star Wars movie, having sex with your mom, and of course watching the VMAs. It wasn’t always like this though. As recently as three years ago the VMAs had Eminem feuding with puppets, Chris Rock insulting celebrities to their face, a guy from Rage Against the Machine climbing on the set, Blink 182 dancing with midgets, and girls kissin’ other girls while dressed in wedding attire. Now though, we got R. Kelly lip-synching, MC Hammer attempting to be cool, and Diddy not doing anything even remotely funny. This of course answers the question everyone has been asking me which is: “Diddy?” Well no, he didn’t.
Moving on…
All in all, it was even more unmemorable than last year and that’s saying something. In fact it took me a week after the fact to even post this, because I figured that’s how long it would take most people to bother to check out the show on one of MTV’s five reruns a day. More troubling than the lack of excitement this year though, was seeing what was nominated for the top awards. Usually no matter how bad the show itself was, the awards part of the evening was pretty good. Quality videos were always nominated and you usually cared what won. Sure there was some crap thrown in, but when it came to the biggies like “Video of the Year” and the “MTV2 Award” usually all the nominees were really high quality groundbreaking videos, sometimes for relative obscure acts. Don’t forget, videos like “Freak on a Leash” “Hurt” “99 Problems” “Virtual Insanity” “Buddy Holly” and “Weapon of Choice” were all nominated for the top award. And in perhaps the best case ever of “sticking it to the man” when said “man” is yourself, Neil Young’s “This Note’s for You” video won Video of the Year even though MTV refused to ever air it. Now you may ask yourself how I remember that. Well it’s because I remember that video. I remember all those aforementioned videos. They made an impact on me and impressed me with their artistry. In our lifetime we’ve seen videos go from being a mere promotional tool for a song to an art form in and of itself. So that’s why it’s depressing to look at the nominees from this year. Sure “Speed of Sound” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” are great songs, but great videos? That’s questionable at best. And you can honestly tell me that the videos for “Locked Up” and “Still Tippin’” have a shred of artistic merit? Of course you can’t. But then again you can’t say much about them, because you’ve probably never even seen them. No one has. Because MTV has given up on videos. Now I know that it’s been en vogue to hate on the station that brought us En Vogue for not playing videos since almost the day the station started, but it’s truer now that it ever has been. It’s gotten so bad that now MTV has actually lunched an ad campaign to defend itself against the criticism that they no longer play videos. Funny thing is if they would just spend all the time they use defending themselves against the charges that they don’t play video to, oh I dunno, actually play videos, then we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. But we are instead now at a point where no one can even debate whether the VMAs nominees are good or bad because no one has seen any of the videos. The sad part is that the quality of videos being produced is constantly getting better and better, yet the average person doesn’t ever get to see them. There’s stuff out there now that’s better shot and more creative and artistically relevant than 90% of feature films. But you would never know that from watching MTV. Because they refuse to acknowledge that videos even exist. Its like a father leaving his family, but instead of leaving the kids when they are little, waiting instead until they have grown up into genius world-renowned superstars and then ditching them to go marry some stripper he met at a bar and raise her dirty drug addict kids in their place. Any way you want to look at it the relationship between MTV and the art form they helped spawn couldn’t be any more sad and ironic. And not ironic in an Alanis Moresitte not-actually-ironic-but-really-more-just-coincidental way, but in an actually ironic way. Also, did I mention it’s really sad? I mean they birthed the art form of videos and then left it for dead. But just like Moses, videos will one day rise up and have all of your first-born male children killed. And they will part the Red Sea too. I know they will. Because they are just that cool. As for things that aren’t cool, well here are my other thoughts on the VMAs:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Believe me no one likes "Mr. Brightside" more than me, but perhaps it’s time for a new song. The fireworks were pretty fuckin cool though. On a related note can we get Brandon Flowers some charisma? I think Kayne can loan you some dude.
-Does Lil’ Kim appreciate the irony of her name?
-Remember when Diddy invented the remix?
-Has anyone ever seen Ciarra and Beyonce in the same place at the same time? Just wondering…
-Whoever is in charge of the Taco Bell ads must be stopped. Seriously someone is gonna get hurt and its probably gonna be me.
-Did you know Rachael McAdams is 29?!? How is this possible?
Who the hell is…
…The Bishop Magic Don Juan?
…BS?
…T.I.?
-Sometimes the pressure to make a good joke is just too intense. For example see the reageton performance.
-If I killed Eva Longoria would anyone be opposed?
-On a related note: Ricky Martin is still alive?
-Some things you can live down, some things you cant, and some things are Mariah Carey’s episode of “Cribs”
-What exactly is a hollaback girl?
(How has no one looked into this yet?)
-Run away winner for Quote of the Night:
Kurt Loder on the post show: “Word to the reaggeton thing”
-The Gorillaz aren’t there to accept their award? How can this be?!?
-With Shakira is the actual music she’s dancing to even relevant at this point?
-Can someone please explain “Trapped in the Closet” to me? I mean who would imagine that the song would actually be gayer than the title? And how did it get so much radio play? Really I don’t understand the whole thing. It’s one of the more bizarre musical phenomenons in our lifetime, and the strangeness of it all hasn’t gotten nearly the analysis it needs. I would do the job myself if I even remotely comprehended it. And what the deal with R. Kelly? Isn’t he supposed to be in jail or something? Can we please get that trial under way VERY soon?
-Someone did tell 50 Cent that when you cuss on live TV they just mute the sound right?
-Is it wrong of me that I actually care about the fate of Hilary Duff and Joel Madden as a couple?…Okay let’s just pretend I never mentioned this…
-Do you ever wonder what real non-reality show created artists think about the success of Kelly Clarkson? Do you ever wonder if Kelly Clarkson’s shoes wonder where he feet are? Do you ever wonder if I might or might not write a lengthy essay devoted entirely to “Since U Been Gone”? Well you should.
-I think more really needs to be being made about what Green Day is doing right now. If Ray Charles hadn’t died I think there is universal agreement that they would have won the Grammy for Album of the Year and would have deserved it. They now have also swept a youth oriented awards show on a station that doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of rock anymore. They have an album that is not only the best of its year, but also the most popular of its year. How many bands have been able to make that claim? Very, very few. There have already been four top 20 singles off “American Idiot” and there will likely be two or three more before all is said and done. And there are only 13 tracks on the album. That’s an almost “Thriller” like ratio of hits to non-hits. And it’s not just that they are hits. There are also freakishly good songs. And it’s not just the most popular and one of the best selling albums of the year, it’s also the most important "punk" album since “London Calling” in terms of scope, influence, quality, and relevance. All this being said I think its clear that Green Day isn’t getting nearly enough credit for what they are in the midst of accomplishing. I mean if you can get an 8-minute 5-part intro to a punk rock opera not only played on the radio, but played with extreme frequency, then that opens the door for pretty much anything in not only the world of punk, but in the world of popular music as a whole. In an era when it feels like everything has already been done, especially in rock/punk, when new things are done I don’t think there’s any way to overstate their importance. I could say more but my fingers might start to bleed if I really let loose. Just know that with Green Day right now, we are experiencing something we may never experience again, and appreciate it and soak it up now for all its worth, cause who knows when the next time is that something like this will come along.
Best commercials aired during the show:
1.) Any and all Red Stripe commercials
2.) The salmon eaten by bear Geico commercial
3.) The monster/robot Hummer H3 commercial
Things Diddy should have asked My Chemical Romance to do other than perform:
1.) Rehearse
2.) Get him a sandwich
3.) Not perform
Best rap names I had never heard before the VMAs
1.) Fat Man Scoop
2.) Styles P
3.) Olu Dara
Me Responding to Rap Songs:
T.I.- “U Don’t Know Me”: “You’re right. I don’t.”
Mike Jones- “Who is Mike Jones?”: “I don’t know”
Snoop- “Drop It Like It’s Hot”: “Okay”
Destiny’s Child- “Lose My Breath”: “I'd be glad to help with that.”
Ciarra- “Oh”: “Oh?”
-Okay so this is only tangentially related to the VMAs but another day cannot go by without me discussing a topic that is very important to me: Formula 50 Vitamin Water. That’s right, 50 Cent’s very own flavor of Vitamin Water. I seriously don’t even know where to begin when discussion this other than with a simple question: how? For a little review before we begin- Jay-Z promotes a Grey Goose cognac, Nelly has something called “Pimp Juice”, and Lil’ Jon of course has “Crunk Juice”. What does 50 Cent, the gangsterist gangster of them all have? A flavor of water. How did this happen?!? Were the people at Vitamin Water sitting around in their boardroom one day thinking, “Who would be a person who you would associate with vitamin infused water?” and they came up with 50 Cent? And its not like there’s a line of celebrity endorsed flavors. No, its JUST 50 Cent! That’s it. Seriously is there anything LESS hardcore than vitamin water? I mean who pays $2.50 for a bottle of water? Rich people, trendy people, and idiots. And 50 Cent only appeals to one of those groups. I really don’t get it. And how is this not a bigger topic of national discussion? I mean has there been anything more baffling than this since the release of Donnie Darko? I think not. Okay, I have to stop talking about this now under doctor’s orders.
I’m off now to go get my prescription refilled.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Kayne West- "Late Registartion" (Album) (More on this one at a later date...)
2.) OK Go- "A Million Ways" video
3.) Watching Fox News for the entertainment value
3 & 1/2.) Labor
Thought of the Week:
I dont want to really get into in this space, but I would just like to say that I think Katrina is worse than 9/11. Not that theres any way to compare disaters and not that even doing such a thing isnt inherently wrong, disrepectful, and insenstive, but I just hadnt heard that really mentioned and thats really how I feel. As bad as 9/11 was, ultimately the permannt long-lasting damage to those not directly involved, was the loss of two buildings. Katrina has wiped one of the great American cities off the map, and unlike with 9/11 when people said nothing would ever be the same, in this case, things really never will be the same. New Orleans as we know it is gone, never to return. Its really too unfathomable to even comprehend. If your heart doesnt ache then you dont have one. Thats all I really have to say in this space. Thanks for listening.
Moving on…
All in all, it was even more unmemorable than last year and that’s saying something. In fact it took me a week after the fact to even post this, because I figured that’s how long it would take most people to bother to check out the show on one of MTV’s five reruns a day. More troubling than the lack of excitement this year though, was seeing what was nominated for the top awards. Usually no matter how bad the show itself was, the awards part of the evening was pretty good. Quality videos were always nominated and you usually cared what won. Sure there was some crap thrown in, but when it came to the biggies like “Video of the Year” and the “MTV2 Award” usually all the nominees were really high quality groundbreaking videos, sometimes for relative obscure acts. Don’t forget, videos like “Freak on a Leash” “Hurt” “99 Problems” “Virtual Insanity” “Buddy Holly” and “Weapon of Choice” were all nominated for the top award. And in perhaps the best case ever of “sticking it to the man” when said “man” is yourself, Neil Young’s “This Note’s for You” video won Video of the Year even though MTV refused to ever air it. Now you may ask yourself how I remember that. Well it’s because I remember that video. I remember all those aforementioned videos. They made an impact on me and impressed me with their artistry. In our lifetime we’ve seen videos go from being a mere promotional tool for a song to an art form in and of itself. So that’s why it’s depressing to look at the nominees from this year. Sure “Speed of Sound” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” are great songs, but great videos? That’s questionable at best. And you can honestly tell me that the videos for “Locked Up” and “Still Tippin’” have a shred of artistic merit? Of course you can’t. But then again you can’t say much about them, because you’ve probably never even seen them. No one has. Because MTV has given up on videos. Now I know that it’s been en vogue to hate on the station that brought us En Vogue for not playing videos since almost the day the station started, but it’s truer now that it ever has been. It’s gotten so bad that now MTV has actually lunched an ad campaign to defend itself against the criticism that they no longer play videos. Funny thing is if they would just spend all the time they use defending themselves against the charges that they don’t play video to, oh I dunno, actually play videos, then we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. But we are instead now at a point where no one can even debate whether the VMAs nominees are good or bad because no one has seen any of the videos. The sad part is that the quality of videos being produced is constantly getting better and better, yet the average person doesn’t ever get to see them. There’s stuff out there now that’s better shot and more creative and artistically relevant than 90% of feature films. But you would never know that from watching MTV. Because they refuse to acknowledge that videos even exist. Its like a father leaving his family, but instead of leaving the kids when they are little, waiting instead until they have grown up into genius world-renowned superstars and then ditching them to go marry some stripper he met at a bar and raise her dirty drug addict kids in their place. Any way you want to look at it the relationship between MTV and the art form they helped spawn couldn’t be any more sad and ironic. And not ironic in an Alanis Moresitte not-actually-ironic-but-really-more-just-coincidental way, but in an actually ironic way. Also, did I mention it’s really sad? I mean they birthed the art form of videos and then left it for dead. But just like Moses, videos will one day rise up and have all of your first-born male children killed. And they will part the Red Sea too. I know they will. Because they are just that cool. As for things that aren’t cool, well here are my other thoughts on the VMAs:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Believe me no one likes "Mr. Brightside" more than me, but perhaps it’s time for a new song. The fireworks were pretty fuckin cool though. On a related note can we get Brandon Flowers some charisma? I think Kayne can loan you some dude.
-Does Lil’ Kim appreciate the irony of her name?
-Remember when Diddy invented the remix?
-Has anyone ever seen Ciarra and Beyonce in the same place at the same time? Just wondering…
-Whoever is in charge of the Taco Bell ads must be stopped. Seriously someone is gonna get hurt and its probably gonna be me.
-Did you know Rachael McAdams is 29?!? How is this possible?
Who the hell is…
…The Bishop Magic Don Juan?
…BS?
…T.I.?
-Sometimes the pressure to make a good joke is just too intense. For example see the reageton performance.
-If I killed Eva Longoria would anyone be opposed?
-On a related note: Ricky Martin is still alive?
-Some things you can live down, some things you cant, and some things are Mariah Carey’s episode of “Cribs”
-What exactly is a hollaback girl?
(How has no one looked into this yet?)
-Run away winner for Quote of the Night:
Kurt Loder on the post show: “Word to the reaggeton thing”
-The Gorillaz aren’t there to accept their award? How can this be?!?
-With Shakira is the actual music she’s dancing to even relevant at this point?
-Can someone please explain “Trapped in the Closet” to me? I mean who would imagine that the song would actually be gayer than the title? And how did it get so much radio play? Really I don’t understand the whole thing. It’s one of the more bizarre musical phenomenons in our lifetime, and the strangeness of it all hasn’t gotten nearly the analysis it needs. I would do the job myself if I even remotely comprehended it. And what the deal with R. Kelly? Isn’t he supposed to be in jail or something? Can we please get that trial under way VERY soon?
-Someone did tell 50 Cent that when you cuss on live TV they just mute the sound right?
-Is it wrong of me that I actually care about the fate of Hilary Duff and Joel Madden as a couple?…Okay let’s just pretend I never mentioned this…
-Do you ever wonder what real non-reality show created artists think about the success of Kelly Clarkson? Do you ever wonder if Kelly Clarkson’s shoes wonder where he feet are? Do you ever wonder if I might or might not write a lengthy essay devoted entirely to “Since U Been Gone”? Well you should.
-I think more really needs to be being made about what Green Day is doing right now. If Ray Charles hadn’t died I think there is universal agreement that they would have won the Grammy for Album of the Year and would have deserved it. They now have also swept a youth oriented awards show on a station that doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of rock anymore. They have an album that is not only the best of its year, but also the most popular of its year. How many bands have been able to make that claim? Very, very few. There have already been four top 20 singles off “American Idiot” and there will likely be two or three more before all is said and done. And there are only 13 tracks on the album. That’s an almost “Thriller” like ratio of hits to non-hits. And it’s not just that they are hits. There are also freakishly good songs. And it’s not just the most popular and one of the best selling albums of the year, it’s also the most important "punk" album since “London Calling” in terms of scope, influence, quality, and relevance. All this being said I think its clear that Green Day isn’t getting nearly enough credit for what they are in the midst of accomplishing. I mean if you can get an 8-minute 5-part intro to a punk rock opera not only played on the radio, but played with extreme frequency, then that opens the door for pretty much anything in not only the world of punk, but in the world of popular music as a whole. In an era when it feels like everything has already been done, especially in rock/punk, when new things are done I don’t think there’s any way to overstate their importance. I could say more but my fingers might start to bleed if I really let loose. Just know that with Green Day right now, we are experiencing something we may never experience again, and appreciate it and soak it up now for all its worth, cause who knows when the next time is that something like this will come along.
Best commercials aired during the show:
1.) Any and all Red Stripe commercials
2.) The salmon eaten by bear Geico commercial
3.) The monster/robot Hummer H3 commercial
Things Diddy should have asked My Chemical Romance to do other than perform:
1.) Rehearse
2.) Get him a sandwich
3.) Not perform
Best rap names I had never heard before the VMAs
1.) Fat Man Scoop
2.) Styles P
3.) Olu Dara
Me Responding to Rap Songs:
T.I.- “U Don’t Know Me”: “You’re right. I don’t.”
Mike Jones- “Who is Mike Jones?”: “I don’t know”
Snoop- “Drop It Like It’s Hot”: “Okay”
Destiny’s Child- “Lose My Breath”: “I'd be glad to help with that.”
Ciarra- “Oh”: “Oh?”
-Okay so this is only tangentially related to the VMAs but another day cannot go by without me discussing a topic that is very important to me: Formula 50 Vitamin Water. That’s right, 50 Cent’s very own flavor of Vitamin Water. I seriously don’t even know where to begin when discussion this other than with a simple question: how? For a little review before we begin- Jay-Z promotes a Grey Goose cognac, Nelly has something called “Pimp Juice”, and Lil’ Jon of course has “Crunk Juice”. What does 50 Cent, the gangsterist gangster of them all have? A flavor of water. How did this happen?!? Were the people at Vitamin Water sitting around in their boardroom one day thinking, “Who would be a person who you would associate with vitamin infused water?” and they came up with 50 Cent? And its not like there’s a line of celebrity endorsed flavors. No, its JUST 50 Cent! That’s it. Seriously is there anything LESS hardcore than vitamin water? I mean who pays $2.50 for a bottle of water? Rich people, trendy people, and idiots. And 50 Cent only appeals to one of those groups. I really don’t get it. And how is this not a bigger topic of national discussion? I mean has there been anything more baffling than this since the release of Donnie Darko? I think not. Okay, I have to stop talking about this now under doctor’s orders.
I’m off now to go get my prescription refilled.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Kayne West- "Late Registartion" (Album) (More on this one at a later date...)
2.) OK Go- "A Million Ways" video
3.) Watching Fox News for the entertainment value
3 & 1/2.) Labor
Thought of the Week:
I dont want to really get into in this space, but I would just like to say that I think Katrina is worse than 9/11. Not that theres any way to compare disaters and not that even doing such a thing isnt inherently wrong, disrepectful, and insenstive, but I just hadnt heard that really mentioned and thats really how I feel. As bad as 9/11 was, ultimately the permannt long-lasting damage to those not directly involved, was the loss of two buildings. Katrina has wiped one of the great American cities off the map, and unlike with 9/11 when people said nothing would ever be the same, in this case, things really never will be the same. New Orleans as we know it is gone, never to return. Its really too unfathomable to even comprehend. If your heart doesnt ache then you dont have one. Thats all I really have to say in this space. Thanks for listening.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
A Conversation With Usher
Me: Hi Usher, nice to see you.
Usher: Hey boo.
Me: Umm…hey…So anyway, if you’ll have a seat we can get started. Now I hate to bring this up but you’re actually almost a half hour late. You were supposed to be here at 4:00 and its already almost 4:30 so…
Usher: Well you know how it is - so many days, so many hours.
Me: What?
(pause)
Usher: Baby, I’m a love you.
Me:…Usher, are you throwed?
Usher: Yeeaaah! Im so throwed, I don’t know what to do! But to give you part two of my confessions.
Me: Um, you never gave me part one. You just got here remember?
Usher: Baby I been here.
Me: Um, actually no you haven’t.
Usher: It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours since I sat down.
Me: No it hasn’t. Those aren’t even real numbers. How much did you have to drink exactly?
Usher: I am SO throwed!
Me: Yeah we’ve been over that already…Please don’t tell me you drove here.
(silence)
Me: Oh no, you DID drive here didn’t you?
(silence)
Me: Usher, I won’t be mad but just tell me how you got here.
Usher: Well I was ridin' in my whip, racin' to this place…
Me: Wait, hold up. Ridin in your whip? What the hell is your whip?
Usher: My ride.
Me: You can’t just go around making up words like that. Especially when they already exist. Are you an idiot or something?
Usher: My chick on the side said she got one on the way!!!
Me: So that answers that.
Usher: You know that chick on part one I told you I was creepin' with, creepin' with?
Me: No. We already went over this, you never told me part one. And stop repeating yourself.
Usher: Well anyway, she said she's three months pregnant and she's keepin' it.
Me: What?!? What are you talking about? I thought you were with that chick from TLC.
Usher: I am. But I got this chick on the side that she don’t know about. And now she pregnant. I just done said all that.
Me: This is seriously the first time you’re mentioning this to me. I know nothing about this situation. Who the hell is this girl? Where did you meet her?
Usher: I can’t remember. My boy Andre 3000 maybe do though. Yo, Dre you got the story bout how I met that one chick?
Andre 3000: Oh, that’s ones easy. When you first met your SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel I can remember that damn thing like yesterday. You’re in the club with your hommies, tryna get a lil V-I, keep it down on the low key, cause you know how it feels. And this fine looking shorty rolls by. I mean, on a one-to-ten she's a certified twenty, and that just aint me. All the hommies agreed. The way she moved reminded you of a brown stallion horse with skates on - smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair. So you walked up on her and was almost paralyzed. Her neck was smelling sweeter than a plate of yams with extra syrup, eyes beaming like four karats apiece just blindin' a nigga. Felt like you chiefed a whole O of that Presidential your heart was beating so damn fast. She was checkin up on you, and from the game she was spittin your ear you would think that she knew you. So you decided to chill. But conversation got heavy, and she had you feelin like she's ready to blow. She saying “come get me, come get me”, so you got up and followed her to the floor. She said, “Baby let’s go”. So she’s all up in your head now, got you thinking that it might be a good idea to take her with you, cause she's ready to leave. But you gotta keep it real now, cause you don't know if you take that chance just where is it was gonna lead. But what you did know was that the way she dance made shorty alright with you. I mean, the way she getting low! So you’re like, “yeah, just work that out for me.” And so she asked for one more dance and you’re like yeah. I mean, how the hell you supposed to leave? And that’s how it happened.
Me: Well thank you very much for that story Mr. 3000.
Andre 3000: Aint no thang. (he leaves)
Usher: So you see my problem. Whatma gonna do? What I gotta do now to get my shorty back? Cause ooo ooo ooo ooooh, man I don't know what I'm gonna do without my boo.
Me: What is this, fuckin Halloween?
Usher: What?
Me: Nevermind. Look what you gotta do is just tell her that you love and that youre sorry, and since you guys are a couple you’ll work through it together.
Usher: But we done been fell apart
Me: Okay look, you really gotta work on your grammar or this just aint happenin.
Nelly: Did I herrr someone sayin Country Grammar up in herrr?
Me: Um, no.
Carlos Santana: Did I hear someone mention the Grammys?
Me: Um, No.
Spencer Grammer: Got any coke?
Me: No.
(pause)
Me: Moving on…The first thing you gotta do is to really be sorry for your actions.
Usher: Howma gonna do that?
Me: Well the Catholics say that to receive forgiveness for your sins you have to undergo a penance, or some type of self-imposed suffering or payment for your actions.
Usher: Aight, how I do that?
Me: Well I could hit you in the face repeatedly until it really starts to burn.
Usher: What?
(I hit him in the face)
Usher: Hey, that hurt!
Me: I know. It’s supposed to. That’s how this works. And even though this might bruise you, if you’re really sorry, then you need to let it burn. Let it burn. You gotta let it burn.
Usher: Okay.
(I hit him in the face again)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh!
(I keep pummeling him furiously)
Usher: Ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh oooh! Can ya feel me burnin'?
Me: No.
(The pummeling continues)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh…It burns!!!
Me: Okay that’s probably enough. So now you’re forgiven for your actions. What you need to do next is be honest with your girl and seek HER forgiveness.
Usher: How I do that?
Me: Well tell her exactly what happened and what was running through your mind when you found out about it. Like for example, when you got that phone call, what immediately went through your mind?
Usher: Well, I damn near cried.
Me: That’s good, but what was the first thought that came into your mind?
Usher: The first thing that came to mind was glue.
Me: Glue?
Usher: Yeah I enjoy arts and crafts.
Me: Well that’s nice but how bout when you’re talking to her you say instead that, “the first thing that came to mind was YOU” rather than glue. I think that’ll go over better.
Usher: Okay, if you say so.
Me: I do. What did you think about next?
Usher: Well second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true. Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did, how I ain't ready for no kid.
Me: Well you can’t dwell on the past, but it does sound like for the most part you got a pretty good handle on it.
Usher: Yeah, but howma gonna tell the woman I love that I’m havin a baby by a woman I barely even know?
Me: Well that’ll be hard, but that’s why you should practice saying out loud what you want to tell her so you’ll get used to hearing the words come out of your mouth. It'll make it much easier when the actual time comes. Lets practice right now in fact. Let me hear what you’ll say to her when you see her.
Usher: I dunno what Ima say.
Me: Yes you do. Just come out and say it.
Usher: But if I tell it then I gotta tell it all. And dat’s hard.
Me: I know its tough, but you gotta do it.
Usher: I cant.
Me: Yes you CAN.
Usher: Man, but right now I just sittin here stuck on supid, tryna figure out when, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth.
Me: Don’t worry about it so much. And what did I tell you about working on your grammar?
Usher: I know, but I said it ain't gon' be easy
Me: True, but you just need to stop thinkin', contemplatin' and be a man and get it over with
Usher: Over with?
Me: Yes.
Usher: Aight…Here goes: “This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. To tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know. I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this and hopefully you'll give me another chance. This ain't about my career. This ain't about my life. It's about us.”
Me: Wait! That’s it!
Usher: What’s it?
Me: What you need to do. This IS about your career! What you need to do is record the story of what a scumbag you are in a song, put a smooth R&B groove to it, and you’ll become a star! See, right now everyone things you’re a non-descript singer who likes to strip during performances at awards shows. But once everyone finds out that you’re actually a cheating, lying, sex-obsessed douche bag then they’ll totally love you. It’s always better to be an awful person than it is to not be worthy of being on the cover of US Weekly. This whole having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous women while you’re in a committed relationship is your ticket to the top kid! Maybe you can even get a Grammy nomination or 5 out of it!!
Usher: Yeeeaah!
Me: And see if you can find someone to hang out who drinks pimp juice out of a gold chalice. Preferably someone short, with gold teeth, outrageous glasses, and a big hat. You’ll look really cool by comparison.
Usher: Yeeeaaaahh!!
Me: And maybe find a really obnoxious weird looking guy to hang out with too.
Usher: That sounds ludicrous.
Me: Indeed it does, but really once people see you in side-by-side comparison with really, really untalented people, there’s No Limit to how popular you’ll become.
Usher: Yeeaaahhh!!
Me: So you know what you gotta do now right?
Usher: Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeaah!
Me: Okay settle down.
Usher: Sorry.
Me: So you know what to do when you talk to your boo?
Usher: Sing it to her. And make sure the tape is rolling.
Me: Very good. And what about your new posse?
Usher: Short guy with pimp juice in a chalice and ridiculously untalented southern guy.
Me: Right. And what about your herpes?
Usher: I gotta let ‘em burn.
Me: That’s right, no Valtrex. The pain is part of your penance.
Usher: Yeah!
Me: Alright Usher, you go knock ‘em dead. Or at least show them properly to their seats.
Usher: Will do. And that you for the assistance my white brother. You have helped me greatly. I am now off to do my work. So holla back boo.
(he flies away into the sunset)
The End
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Shrimp
2.) The Office (BBC version)
3.) The Dandy Warhols - "Bohemian Like You"
3 & 1/2.) Amy Adams in Junebug
Thought of the Week:
"To me being 'cool' is the opposite of living. Its about not getting too worked up abot anything...Its such a cliched, jaded posture to take. I get real enthuastic about stuff. Its what I think is life-affirming" - Owen Wilson
(I feel certain that will be the only time in my life I will ever quote Owen Wilson, but the man has great point.)
Usher: Hey boo.
Me: Umm…hey…So anyway, if you’ll have a seat we can get started. Now I hate to bring this up but you’re actually almost a half hour late. You were supposed to be here at 4:00 and its already almost 4:30 so…
Usher: Well you know how it is - so many days, so many hours.
Me: What?
(pause)
Usher: Baby, I’m a love you.
Me:…Usher, are you throwed?
Usher: Yeeaaah! Im so throwed, I don’t know what to do! But to give you part two of my confessions.
Me: Um, you never gave me part one. You just got here remember?
Usher: Baby I been here.
Me: Um, actually no you haven’t.
Usher: It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours since I sat down.
Me: No it hasn’t. Those aren’t even real numbers. How much did you have to drink exactly?
Usher: I am SO throwed!
Me: Yeah we’ve been over that already…Please don’t tell me you drove here.
(silence)
Me: Oh no, you DID drive here didn’t you?
(silence)
Me: Usher, I won’t be mad but just tell me how you got here.
Usher: Well I was ridin' in my whip, racin' to this place…
Me: Wait, hold up. Ridin in your whip? What the hell is your whip?
Usher: My ride.
Me: You can’t just go around making up words like that. Especially when they already exist. Are you an idiot or something?
Usher: My chick on the side said she got one on the way!!!
Me: So that answers that.
Usher: You know that chick on part one I told you I was creepin' with, creepin' with?
Me: No. We already went over this, you never told me part one. And stop repeating yourself.
Usher: Well anyway, she said she's three months pregnant and she's keepin' it.
Me: What?!? What are you talking about? I thought you were with that chick from TLC.
Usher: I am. But I got this chick on the side that she don’t know about. And now she pregnant. I just done said all that.
Me: This is seriously the first time you’re mentioning this to me. I know nothing about this situation. Who the hell is this girl? Where did you meet her?
Usher: I can’t remember. My boy Andre 3000 maybe do though. Yo, Dre you got the story bout how I met that one chick?
Andre 3000: Oh, that’s ones easy. When you first met your SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel I can remember that damn thing like yesterday. You’re in the club with your hommies, tryna get a lil V-I, keep it down on the low key, cause you know how it feels. And this fine looking shorty rolls by. I mean, on a one-to-ten she's a certified twenty, and that just aint me. All the hommies agreed. The way she moved reminded you of a brown stallion horse with skates on - smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair. So you walked up on her and was almost paralyzed. Her neck was smelling sweeter than a plate of yams with extra syrup, eyes beaming like four karats apiece just blindin' a nigga. Felt like you chiefed a whole O of that Presidential your heart was beating so damn fast. She was checkin up on you, and from the game she was spittin your ear you would think that she knew you. So you decided to chill. But conversation got heavy, and she had you feelin like she's ready to blow. She saying “come get me, come get me”, so you got up and followed her to the floor. She said, “Baby let’s go”. So she’s all up in your head now, got you thinking that it might be a good idea to take her with you, cause she's ready to leave. But you gotta keep it real now, cause you don't know if you take that chance just where is it was gonna lead. But what you did know was that the way she dance made shorty alright with you. I mean, the way she getting low! So you’re like, “yeah, just work that out for me.” And so she asked for one more dance and you’re like yeah. I mean, how the hell you supposed to leave? And that’s how it happened.
Me: Well thank you very much for that story Mr. 3000.
Andre 3000: Aint no thang. (he leaves)
Usher: So you see my problem. Whatma gonna do? What I gotta do now to get my shorty back? Cause ooo ooo ooo ooooh, man I don't know what I'm gonna do without my boo.
Me: What is this, fuckin Halloween?
Usher: What?
Me: Nevermind. Look what you gotta do is just tell her that you love and that youre sorry, and since you guys are a couple you’ll work through it together.
Usher: But we done been fell apart
Me: Okay look, you really gotta work on your grammar or this just aint happenin.
Nelly: Did I herrr someone sayin Country Grammar up in herrr?
Me: Um, no.
Carlos Santana: Did I hear someone mention the Grammys?
Me: Um, No.
Spencer Grammer: Got any coke?
Me: No.
(pause)
Me: Moving on…The first thing you gotta do is to really be sorry for your actions.
Usher: Howma gonna do that?
Me: Well the Catholics say that to receive forgiveness for your sins you have to undergo a penance, or some type of self-imposed suffering or payment for your actions.
Usher: Aight, how I do that?
Me: Well I could hit you in the face repeatedly until it really starts to burn.
Usher: What?
(I hit him in the face)
Usher: Hey, that hurt!
Me: I know. It’s supposed to. That’s how this works. And even though this might bruise you, if you’re really sorry, then you need to let it burn. Let it burn. You gotta let it burn.
Usher: Okay.
(I hit him in the face again)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh!
(I keep pummeling him furiously)
Usher: Ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh oooh! Can ya feel me burnin'?
Me: No.
(The pummeling continues)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh…It burns!!!
Me: Okay that’s probably enough. So now you’re forgiven for your actions. What you need to do next is be honest with your girl and seek HER forgiveness.
Usher: How I do that?
Me: Well tell her exactly what happened and what was running through your mind when you found out about it. Like for example, when you got that phone call, what immediately went through your mind?
Usher: Well, I damn near cried.
Me: That’s good, but what was the first thought that came into your mind?
Usher: The first thing that came to mind was glue.
Me: Glue?
Usher: Yeah I enjoy arts and crafts.
Me: Well that’s nice but how bout when you’re talking to her you say instead that, “the first thing that came to mind was YOU” rather than glue. I think that’ll go over better.
Usher: Okay, if you say so.
Me: I do. What did you think about next?
Usher: Well second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true. Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did, how I ain't ready for no kid.
Me: Well you can’t dwell on the past, but it does sound like for the most part you got a pretty good handle on it.
Usher: Yeah, but howma gonna tell the woman I love that I’m havin a baby by a woman I barely even know?
Me: Well that’ll be hard, but that’s why you should practice saying out loud what you want to tell her so you’ll get used to hearing the words come out of your mouth. It'll make it much easier when the actual time comes. Lets practice right now in fact. Let me hear what you’ll say to her when you see her.
Usher: I dunno what Ima say.
Me: Yes you do. Just come out and say it.
Usher: But if I tell it then I gotta tell it all. And dat’s hard.
Me: I know its tough, but you gotta do it.
Usher: I cant.
Me: Yes you CAN.
Usher: Man, but right now I just sittin here stuck on supid, tryna figure out when, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth.
Me: Don’t worry about it so much. And what did I tell you about working on your grammar?
Usher: I know, but I said it ain't gon' be easy
Me: True, but you just need to stop thinkin', contemplatin' and be a man and get it over with
Usher: Over with?
Me: Yes.
Usher: Aight…Here goes: “This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. To tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know. I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this and hopefully you'll give me another chance. This ain't about my career. This ain't about my life. It's about us.”
Me: Wait! That’s it!
Usher: What’s it?
Me: What you need to do. This IS about your career! What you need to do is record the story of what a scumbag you are in a song, put a smooth R&B groove to it, and you’ll become a star! See, right now everyone things you’re a non-descript singer who likes to strip during performances at awards shows. But once everyone finds out that you’re actually a cheating, lying, sex-obsessed douche bag then they’ll totally love you. It’s always better to be an awful person than it is to not be worthy of being on the cover of US Weekly. This whole having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous women while you’re in a committed relationship is your ticket to the top kid! Maybe you can even get a Grammy nomination or 5 out of it!!
Usher: Yeeeaah!
Me: And see if you can find someone to hang out who drinks pimp juice out of a gold chalice. Preferably someone short, with gold teeth, outrageous glasses, and a big hat. You’ll look really cool by comparison.
Usher: Yeeeaaaahh!!
Me: And maybe find a really obnoxious weird looking guy to hang out with too.
Usher: That sounds ludicrous.
Me: Indeed it does, but really once people see you in side-by-side comparison with really, really untalented people, there’s No Limit to how popular you’ll become.
Usher: Yeeaaahhh!!
Me: So you know what you gotta do now right?
Usher: Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeaah!
Me: Okay settle down.
Usher: Sorry.
Me: So you know what to do when you talk to your boo?
Usher: Sing it to her. And make sure the tape is rolling.
Me: Very good. And what about your new posse?
Usher: Short guy with pimp juice in a chalice and ridiculously untalented southern guy.
Me: Right. And what about your herpes?
Usher: I gotta let ‘em burn.
Me: That’s right, no Valtrex. The pain is part of your penance.
Usher: Yeah!
Me: Alright Usher, you go knock ‘em dead. Or at least show them properly to their seats.
Usher: Will do. And that you for the assistance my white brother. You have helped me greatly. I am now off to do my work. So holla back boo.
(he flies away into the sunset)
The End
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Shrimp
2.) The Office (BBC version)
3.) The Dandy Warhols - "Bohemian Like You"
3 & 1/2.) Amy Adams in Junebug
Thought of the Week:
"To me being 'cool' is the opposite of living. Its about not getting too worked up abot anything...Its such a cliched, jaded posture to take. I get real enthuastic about stuff. Its what I think is life-affirming" - Owen Wilson
(I feel certain that will be the only time in my life I will ever quote Owen Wilson, but the man has great point.)
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