It seems like every year Christmas becomes more and more about buying presents, seeing old friends, and generally making merry than it does about reflecting on the true “reason for the season”. And so this year before you get too carried away with acting like Christmas is just some huge birthday party, stop to think about how it's actually…umm…well…oh shut up, you get the point. And the point is that Christmas is all about Jesus. No not the guy that mows your lawn. Another Jesus. One who lived a long time ago. Back when Jesus was still a Jewish name. I’m talking of course about Jesus Christ.
(It’s a good thing Jesus Christ never had any kids. If you think being the child of a celebrity is hard, imagine if your last name was Christ. Apple Martin would have nothing on little Tommy Christ.)
As everyone knows, Jesus Christ was the main character of a very popular book called The Bible. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it and are going to hell, it’s the sequel to the hugely successful Torah. It tells the story of Jesus from his illegitimate birth to his bloody death by forced asphyxiation for radical anti-government activities. It’s fun reading for the whole family! In between his birth and death he hung out with murderers, lived with lepers, and befriended prostitutes. So clearly the question we should be asking then is, what WOULND’T Jesus do? Well I know a few things he wouldn’t do would include wearing an outfit that looked like a dress, get kissed by another man, or inviting other dudes to “eat his body” because that would be totally gay.
And Jesus hates gay people.
Speaking of Tom Cruise, him and Jesus were actually similar in many ways. Mainly the fact that they both promoted wacky fringe religions. (But also, Jesus, like, totally loves Katie Holmes.) But instead of promoting a wacky fringe religion created by a fiction writer that had some vague connection to science, Jesus went in a much more credible direction. He founded his own religion. And he named it Christianity. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? In his religion he proposed that if you do good works you go to heaven. Also, if someone decides to work on a Sunday you can stone them to death (Exodus 35:2). You can see why it caught on so big. People really responded to the ideas Jesus promoted, especially the stuff about befriending prostitutes and starting wars with Iraq. And so Christianity soon became the official religion of America. And that, boys and girls, is the story of why we celebrate Christmas.
So this year stop with the plunging yourself into massive credit card debt buying presents, drinking heavily, and contemplating suicide, and embrace the true spirit of Christmas by finding the nearest cheap syphilis ridden whore and telling her that you love her.
After all, it’s what Jesus did.
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A Running Diary of My Thoughts During the Transit Strike
While walking from home (96th & 1st) to work (44th & Broadway) - Day 1: Wow, this is great! What a fun invigorating way to start the day. Look at all the people out on the streets. I like people. They are nice. So is walking. I should really do this more often. Thank God for the strike or else I would never be having this wonderful experience!
While walking from work to home - Day 1: It’s a little colder than it was this morning but this is still nice I guess. Hey stop shoving me! Stupid people. Sometimes I really hate New Yorkers. I’m really hungry. This is kind of taking a while. Wow, my feet are starting to hurt…
While walking from home to work - Day 2: I have to do THIS again? And why does it have to be so fucking cold? Hey get out of my way fucking people! Geeze, I really hate people. Especially fucking decrepit old people. And kids. Oh man, kids are the slowest. Why whenever I’m in a hurry do I always get stuck behind a kid? I mean I know their legs are short and all, but geeze, I mean, come on already. People got places to be. Sorry you’re lazy and don’t do anything with your life except color and poop all day but some of us around here have places to be because WE are productive members of society. Oh my fucking god! How has it only been 10 blocks?!? I feel like I’ve been walking for like an hour! My feet are about ready to kill a bitch.
While walking from work to home – Day 2: Are you fucking kidding me? I have to walk all that way AGAIN?!? I am seriously going to find the MTA and STAB THEM IN THE FACE WITH A SPEAR. This is absolutely ridiculous. Look at all these goddamn people too! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY YOU IDIOT!! Oh man, in about 5 more blocks my body is gong to literally collapse. Fuck this shit. TAXI!!!!!
While walking from home to work – Day 3: (Shoots self in face)
The End
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Top 3 & 1/2 Celebrity Christmas Present Suggestions of the Week
1.) Beyonce – Shit from Wal Mart
2.) P Diddy and Ginuwine featuring Loon and Mario Winans – A girl part 2
3.) Skee Lo – A rabbit in a hat with a bat. Or a girl who looks good so that then he can call her. Or growth pills.
3 & 1/2.) Mariah Carey – You
Thought of the Week: In closing Id just like to say that with all that’s going on in the city and in the world its nice to know that this time of year there is something that brings us all a little closer and makes us feel warmer towards our fellow man. That each year t this time there is something to remind us what is truly important in life - family, friends, and a glass shattering falsetto. I’m talking of course about Mariah Carey's Christmas album. Because while it may be impossible to come to a universal consensus about anything else these days, I think we can all agree that Mariah Carey's Christmas album is the greatest Christmas album of all time. And that hereby concludes the only positive thing I will ever say about Mariah Carey in my life. I would now usually proceed to make a Mariah Carey joke here but I’m currently saving them all for the Grammys. Just you wait…
(Also although this is only tangentially related to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, does anyone know who the hell Parson Brown is? Or why someone would think Christmas time was the correct season of the year to tell scary ghost stories? I mean tales of old glories of Christmases long, long ago I can understand, but scary ghost stories? Who does that at Christmas time?)
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Thoughts Had While Traveling
While waiting to try and find time to finish my West Wing article and some other stuff I’ve been working on, I thought I would share with you a sort of running journal I kept of my thoughts before, during, and after my recently post-Thanksgiving flight from Houston to New York. Because I know America has been clamoring for of running journal of my thoughts before, during, and after my post-Thanksgiving flight from Houston to New York. Well clamor no more.
* I really hate how people are so impatient with slow people ahead of them in any sort of line but then as soon as it’s their turn they take their sweet ass time.
NOTE: these next two thoughts deal with sports. Since I know probably 75% of my readership could care less about sports just know that if you are in that 75% you might literally die of boredom of you attempt to read them. So don’t skip over them at your own risk.
* If I was ever on Inside the Actors Studio I would definitely have to say that the profession I would least like to attempt is NFL field goal kicker. I’m sure there are many professions like sanitation worker, ditch digger, and slave, to name just a few that would seem “worse”, but stop and think about it for a moment – if you make the kick, great, you were supposed to, that’s your job. But if you miss then you suck and an entire city hates you. I mean sure it would seem like if you make a kick to win a game it would be exhilarating and everyone would love you, but if that’s true then how come no one can name a single good kicker in the NFL off their top of their head other than Adam Vinaterri? How can they be beloved heroes if no one can even remember their names? The only names people DO remember are the kickers who missed the big kicks. I mean the most famous kicker of all time is Scott Norwood. Should say something about being a kicker. All the pain, none of the glory, and every time you come on the field it's a pressure packed situation. And lord knows I don’t want anything to do with a profession that is filled with pressure, causes excessive nervousness, has a high probability for failure and often leads to people telling you that you’re not good...
* While the Colts seem safe for tonight, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Waiting for the other shoe” to drop is a term sportswriter Bill Simmons uses a lot to refer to the inevitability of the fact that whenever things seem perfect and too easy, something will go wrong and reveal that things were never that way in the first place. This applies to all aspects of life but is especially applicable to sports - an area of life where people try to assign meaning and order to something that is essentially luck-based meaningless chaos. After watching sports for enough years you start to learn that whenever it seems like everything is being set up to create a perfect “story” (The ’01 Super Bowl, The ’03 MLB playoffs, Game 5 of the ’05 NLCS, etc. etc., etc.) something will go wrong. In the case of the Colts it just seems inevitable that they are going to go 16-0, win the Super Bowl, and exorcise all their demons and the crap about how they cant win when it matters. And that’s why I get the feeling that won’t be the case. And why every game I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it surely will. Unless of course it doesn’t. Which is ultimately the point that makes sports so great. They're completely unpredictable and random and the only form of entertainment in which literally anything can happen. If you’re watching a movie, no matter how tense it gets you know that good guy will win, or that if he doesn’t, his loss will be equally as dramatic and compelling and meaningful as his win would have been. But not so with sports. Just because one team is better than the other doesn’t mean they will win. Just because one athlete is far superior to the other doesn’t mean the lesser athlete wont dominate that greater one. Boring teams no one cares about can win year after year, while exciting teams everyone loves can miss the playoffs. There’s no meaning to any of, which might be why since the beginning of organized athletics humans have tried so very hard to assign some sort of great meaning to it all. But it has none. Which makes you wonder if it’s really all worth it. Because, for example, a Cubs fan who was born after 1908 and is now dead would have lived their entire life and gotten only heartbreak from their team and never ultimate joy. They invested thousands upon thousands of hours of their life watching, discussing, and spending money on something that every single year left them heartbroken and disappointed (of course that’s what they deserve for being Cubs fans, but nevertheless…). As Bill Simmons said about the Red Sox a few years ago “if a sports team was a girl you would have broken up with her a long time ago.” But you can never break up with the teams you were raised with. You’re stuck with them for life for better or for worse. So you just pray that ultimately you chose wisely. Which is why I although I used to worry about raising my kids in New York because they would inevitably grow up to become Yankees fans and thus be given a false view of the way life works, I now think that’s probably for the best. And why, although I’m rooting for everything to go according to plan this year for the Colts, all I can say is, I’m glad I wasn't raised in Indianapolis.
(On a related note: its always nice watching a sporting event when it involves a team that you’re rooting for, but one that’s not actually “your team”. This year during the baseball playoffs some of the Astros games became literally too tense for me to watch. During the 18-inning game for example I had to leave my apartment and walk around the block getting updates by phone at the end of every half inning because the tension of actually watching it was too intense to possibly take. Which is why the NFL season is so refreshing. After the Oilers left Houston when I was a kid, I was free to pick a new “favorite” team every year. And since to me the NFL ranks just slightly ahead of golf on a list of sports I care about, it was easy to switch my allegiance to a new team almost overnight. Since the mid-90’s my “favorite team” has at one point or another been each of the following: The 49ers, The Cowboys, The Packers, The Rams, whatever team was playing against the Patriots that week, and now the Colts. Also throughout most of that time for some unexplainable reason if the Steelers or Raiders were involved in a game and the team that they were playing was not my “favorite team” of the moment, or each other, then I would root for them. Oh wait, sorry, I forgot that you don’t care…)
NOTE: non-sports fans, it is now safe to continue reading.
* Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that all of the passengers on any given plane with you are all going FROM and traveling TO the exact same place at the exact same time? That gives you something pretty significant in common with a rather large group of random strangers. Next time you’re on a plane look around at every person on board and think about that fact. And no I wasn’t stoned when I had this thought.
* I never really though about it before, but people who are dressed in cowboy boots, tight jeans with a huge belt buckle, a cowboy hat, a red and white checkered shirt, huge thick glasses the size of their face, and a jacket made out of horse hair, are people too. They aren’t just a caricature, but they are actual regular people just like you and me who have nice luggage, talk on cell phones, and travel regularly to New York City and actually enjoy doing so. And yes I swear I’m not stoned.
* I should really get around piecing together that West Wing article. I mean all I need is an eight hour uninterrupted block of free time, so really I have no excuse.
*What does it say about me that every time I fly from Houston to New York I ALWAYS do these three things?
1.) Buy and eat a blue or purple packet of Skittles while waiting at the gate to board
2.) Chew an entire pack of Bubblicious gum during descent
3.) Listen to the song “My Old School” by Steely Dan in the cab on the way home
Probably that I need serious medical attention.
(And also that I’m starting to share too much information in the journal here. I apologize.)
* I hate actors. I mean I really hate actors. But the actors I hate most of all are the actors who are obsessed with “Rent”. Is there another type of person on this planet who is more obnoxious? I think not. And I say this as a person who has seen the show seven times. And who as soon as he gets around to seeing the movie will surely write at least 3,000 words on it. But still, let this be a memo to all those obnoxious “Rent” people out there (and you know who you are): I hate you. And everyone else does too. So shut up.
* New York 1 has a meteorologist?!? When did this happen? First George Whipple, then Owen Gleiberman doing movie reviews, and now a meteorologist? What has happened to you New York 1? You’re turning into a regular local news show just one on a continuous loop. If it wasn’t for Weather On The Ones and Roma Torre I don’t know if I would watch you at all. Who would have thought our relationship would ever come to this?
* It also seems that now on New York 1 they have taken to devoting a large portion of time to telling you what stories or reports are coming up later, and exactly what time these stories or reports are coming up. It’s not enough that you’re watching right now, they want to make sure that you’ll keep watching for a few more minutes, so they waste time they could be using to give you news to tell you what news they are going to give you in the future. Now I don’t mind a mention of what’s coming up as you go to commercial break since I understand that its an effective way to make sure viewers stay tuned though the commercial, but when they start spending more time promoting an upcoming story than they do actually reporting that story (see: Entertainment Tonight, Sports Center, etc.), that’s when we have a problem. A big problem. I know its all just marketing, but in a way, it’s endemic of a much greater societal problem. There’s getting to be way too much emphasis on the future, at the expense of the present. How many times have you been excited about a movie or a CD coming out and then when it actually comes out you never bother to watch it or buy it? How many times have you been planning the names of the children you’re going to have with someone you’ve dated for a few weeks? How many times have you looked forward to an event or an occasion only to be disappointed by it? On that last count, nearly every day right? Well it seems to me, that’s because we no longer know how to enjoy the present. We live in the future and so when the future finally becomes the present we can no longer fully enjoy it because A.) we’ve already experienced it in our minds and B.) we’ve already moved on to a new future. Therefore the present is becoming an eternally disappointing and unimportant place. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m worried about what the new New York 1 promos at the top of every hour say about the future of the human race. And I swear on my life I’m not on drugs.
(Also, since I watched this excessive emphasis on what’s coming up ruin Sports Center I’m worried that it will ruin New York 1 too. And I’m worried they’re gonna turn into a regular local news show and that Gary Anthony Ramsey will be one day making awkward lame jokes with the weather guy. And then life will no longer be worth living. Clearly I should get out more.)
* There are many things I dislike in this world such as Paris Hilton, glitter, and Everybody Loves Raymond. But there are a few very special things and people that reach a whole nother level of hatred. I call this the “Bill O’Reilly Zone”, after the person I hate more than anyone or anything in the entire world. The depth of my hatred for Bill O’Reilly cannot possibly even come close to being put into words. No matter what level of physical or emotional harm befell Bill O’Reilly, I would never ever EVER feel even the slightest bit sad. His very existence makes me hate all of humanity for allowing him to even exist in any publicly visible way. And since in my above New York 1 rant I mentioned two of other the things on the “Bill O’Reilly Zone” list I thought now would be a good time to unveil the whole list as it currently stands. Because I suffer from the delusional idea that you care about such things.
List of People And Things For Which There Should Be Reserved A Special Circle of Hell Known As The Bill O’Reilly Zone:
-local news shows
-Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwarzbaum
-US Weekly
-Yoko Ono
-Maxim
-girls who wear Playboy apparel
-“Spiderman” & “Spiderman 2”
-Beyonce
-ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith
-The Cubs
-Dick Cheney
-The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
-really old, really rich residents of the Upper East Side (you know which ones I mean)
and of course…
-haters
The Top 5 Completely Unnecessary Industries I Wish Id Invented First:
1.) The Bottled Water Industry – This is the greatest mystery of our times. How in the world were we all convinced to start paying exorbitant prices for something essentially flavorless that we already get for free? Now don’t get me wrong, I love bottled water and see its great value if you are traveling, and I probably haven’t drunk tap water since I was about five, but still, how did bottled water become the phenomenon it is? I mean, had I been raised on tap water I’m sure I would have been fine with it, but as soon as my parents started buying Ozarka water for me at a young age I got it ingrained it my head that it was somehow better. And yet there is conclusive proof that there is absolutely nothing wrong with tap water and that it’s just as good for you as bottled water. And why on earth would someone go to a restaurant and order bottled water when water is already provided free of charge? And why do people carry bottles of water everywhere even places where there are plenty of drinking fountains available. To greatly paraphrase George Carlin when did we as human beings become so thirsty that we must carry water with us at all times? Can anyone answer any of these questions? I don’t have a problem with any of this per say, I just want to know how it got started.
2.) The Candle Industry – As far as I can tell candles serve almost no practical purpose today and yet I swear more candles are bought and sold in America today than in 1860 when they were used to actually light entire homes. Somehow we have been convinced that scented candles somehow actually emit a scent strong enough to be smelled more than two feet away, and that decorative candles are ever even noticed by visitors to our homes. Neither of these are true. Stop wasting your money.
3.) The Smoothie Industry – Now I enjoy a good smoothie as much as anyone, but really, are they in any way necessary? They are a nice refreshing treat, but some people are starting to treat Jamba Juice like it’s Starbucks. Coffee is an essential life need, much like water or air or heroin. Smoothies on the other hand have no real quantifiable purpose other than to taste good. I know they are supposed to make you more healthy or give you energy or alertness or some crap like that but if you buy that then I got two words for you: Suck Er.
4.) The Ring Tones Industry – Maybe it’s just a sign I’m getting too old, but I really don’t understand what the deal is with ring tones. I mean I haven’t completely “not gotten” a cultural phenomenon to this degree since the release of “Trapped in the Closet”.
(Speaking of “Trapped in the Closet”: did anyone see the episode of South Park where Stan discovers he might be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard and then insults Tom Cruise’s acting which causes a devastated Tom Cruise to hide in the closet while a variety of people including R. Kelly beg him to “come out of the closet”? Because I didn’t see it, I only read about it, but it sounds from the premise like it could have been one of the greatest episodes of a TV show ever. So I just wanted to know if anyone could confirm or deny this supposition.)
(Speaking of TV shows: wow that Desperate Housewives backlash was quick, harsh and the most predictable thing to happen since Jennifer Aniston decided to pose topless on the cover of GQ. Next up on America’s agenda: being “over” Family Guy.)
5.) The Higher Education “Industry” – There are few things I am more passionate about than education. If you think I get passionate about things sometimes here in the journal then talk to me some time about the state of education in this country. Just make sure you have a few hours. So I’m the last person in the world who would suggest that people should be less educated. But I will suggest that maybe higher education isn’t always the way to go about getting that extended education. Maybe it just becomes a prolonged adolescence for far too many people. Maybe it stifles truly original, creative, independent thought. And maybe our culture preaching that college is the only path to success creates a self-fulfilling prophecy for those who cannot for whatever reason attend college. This is a much bigger topic than I have the time to get into in this space but I will say this. Of the over 20 people in my extended family born between 1910-1930 of whom I have record of, only one of them went to college. And my family was pretty typical of the times. And yet when watching Good Night and Good Luck recently I was struck by how many large words and complex sentences were used on the nightly news. Whereas today, to quote John Simon, “we have apparently lost our tenuous grip on the compound sentence and the kind of thinking which requires its syntactical structures.” (And yes I just quoted John Simon. And yes I will now throw up in my mouth.) And this non-college going generation is also the generation that oversaw the rise of the United States to superpower status. So maybe college isn’t all its cracked up to be after all. This was all brought to my attention a while back through a semi life-changing article by Ted Ball from the old Might Magazine entitled “College is for Suckers”. I think the title makes his thesis pretty clear. And he just might have a point. Of course I didn’t go to a real college and I’m not pursuing a real career, so maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. So check back with me once I get my masters.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Oprah on Dave
2.) Walk the Line
3.) Charlize Theron in North Country
3 & 1/2.) Kiera Knightly in Pride and Prejudice
Thought of the Week:
“It will take me three hours to decide which compact discs to put in the backseat of my car. This is the kind of quandary that keeps people like m from sleeping; I never worry about nuclear war, or the economy or if we need to establish a Palestinian state, but I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I need to purchase all the less than stellar Rolling Stones albums from the 1980s for cataloging purposes.” – Chuck Klosterman
* I really hate how people are so impatient with slow people ahead of them in any sort of line but then as soon as it’s their turn they take their sweet ass time.
NOTE: these next two thoughts deal with sports. Since I know probably 75% of my readership could care less about sports just know that if you are in that 75% you might literally die of boredom of you attempt to read them. So don’t skip over them at your own risk.
* If I was ever on Inside the Actors Studio I would definitely have to say that the profession I would least like to attempt is NFL field goal kicker. I’m sure there are many professions like sanitation worker, ditch digger, and slave, to name just a few that would seem “worse”, but stop and think about it for a moment – if you make the kick, great, you were supposed to, that’s your job. But if you miss then you suck and an entire city hates you. I mean sure it would seem like if you make a kick to win a game it would be exhilarating and everyone would love you, but if that’s true then how come no one can name a single good kicker in the NFL off their top of their head other than Adam Vinaterri? How can they be beloved heroes if no one can even remember their names? The only names people DO remember are the kickers who missed the big kicks. I mean the most famous kicker of all time is Scott Norwood. Should say something about being a kicker. All the pain, none of the glory, and every time you come on the field it's a pressure packed situation. And lord knows I don’t want anything to do with a profession that is filled with pressure, causes excessive nervousness, has a high probability for failure and often leads to people telling you that you’re not good...
* While the Colts seem safe for tonight, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Waiting for the other shoe” to drop is a term sportswriter Bill Simmons uses a lot to refer to the inevitability of the fact that whenever things seem perfect and too easy, something will go wrong and reveal that things were never that way in the first place. This applies to all aspects of life but is especially applicable to sports - an area of life where people try to assign meaning and order to something that is essentially luck-based meaningless chaos. After watching sports for enough years you start to learn that whenever it seems like everything is being set up to create a perfect “story” (The ’01 Super Bowl, The ’03 MLB playoffs, Game 5 of the ’05 NLCS, etc. etc., etc.) something will go wrong. In the case of the Colts it just seems inevitable that they are going to go 16-0, win the Super Bowl, and exorcise all their demons and the crap about how they cant win when it matters. And that’s why I get the feeling that won’t be the case. And why every game I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it surely will. Unless of course it doesn’t. Which is ultimately the point that makes sports so great. They're completely unpredictable and random and the only form of entertainment in which literally anything can happen. If you’re watching a movie, no matter how tense it gets you know that good guy will win, or that if he doesn’t, his loss will be equally as dramatic and compelling and meaningful as his win would have been. But not so with sports. Just because one team is better than the other doesn’t mean they will win. Just because one athlete is far superior to the other doesn’t mean the lesser athlete wont dominate that greater one. Boring teams no one cares about can win year after year, while exciting teams everyone loves can miss the playoffs. There’s no meaning to any of, which might be why since the beginning of organized athletics humans have tried so very hard to assign some sort of great meaning to it all. But it has none. Which makes you wonder if it’s really all worth it. Because, for example, a Cubs fan who was born after 1908 and is now dead would have lived their entire life and gotten only heartbreak from their team and never ultimate joy. They invested thousands upon thousands of hours of their life watching, discussing, and spending money on something that every single year left them heartbroken and disappointed (of course that’s what they deserve for being Cubs fans, but nevertheless…). As Bill Simmons said about the Red Sox a few years ago “if a sports team was a girl you would have broken up with her a long time ago.” But you can never break up with the teams you were raised with. You’re stuck with them for life for better or for worse. So you just pray that ultimately you chose wisely. Which is why I although I used to worry about raising my kids in New York because they would inevitably grow up to become Yankees fans and thus be given a false view of the way life works, I now think that’s probably for the best. And why, although I’m rooting for everything to go according to plan this year for the Colts, all I can say is, I’m glad I wasn't raised in Indianapolis.
(On a related note: its always nice watching a sporting event when it involves a team that you’re rooting for, but one that’s not actually “your team”. This year during the baseball playoffs some of the Astros games became literally too tense for me to watch. During the 18-inning game for example I had to leave my apartment and walk around the block getting updates by phone at the end of every half inning because the tension of actually watching it was too intense to possibly take. Which is why the NFL season is so refreshing. After the Oilers left Houston when I was a kid, I was free to pick a new “favorite” team every year. And since to me the NFL ranks just slightly ahead of golf on a list of sports I care about, it was easy to switch my allegiance to a new team almost overnight. Since the mid-90’s my “favorite team” has at one point or another been each of the following: The 49ers, The Cowboys, The Packers, The Rams, whatever team was playing against the Patriots that week, and now the Colts. Also throughout most of that time for some unexplainable reason if the Steelers or Raiders were involved in a game and the team that they were playing was not my “favorite team” of the moment, or each other, then I would root for them. Oh wait, sorry, I forgot that you don’t care…)
NOTE: non-sports fans, it is now safe to continue reading.
* Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that all of the passengers on any given plane with you are all going FROM and traveling TO the exact same place at the exact same time? That gives you something pretty significant in common with a rather large group of random strangers. Next time you’re on a plane look around at every person on board and think about that fact. And no I wasn’t stoned when I had this thought.
* I never really though about it before, but people who are dressed in cowboy boots, tight jeans with a huge belt buckle, a cowboy hat, a red and white checkered shirt, huge thick glasses the size of their face, and a jacket made out of horse hair, are people too. They aren’t just a caricature, but they are actual regular people just like you and me who have nice luggage, talk on cell phones, and travel regularly to New York City and actually enjoy doing so. And yes I swear I’m not stoned.
* I should really get around piecing together that West Wing article. I mean all I need is an eight hour uninterrupted block of free time, so really I have no excuse.
*What does it say about me that every time I fly from Houston to New York I ALWAYS do these three things?
1.) Buy and eat a blue or purple packet of Skittles while waiting at the gate to board
2.) Chew an entire pack of Bubblicious gum during descent
3.) Listen to the song “My Old School” by Steely Dan in the cab on the way home
Probably that I need serious medical attention.
(And also that I’m starting to share too much information in the journal here. I apologize.)
* I hate actors. I mean I really hate actors. But the actors I hate most of all are the actors who are obsessed with “Rent”. Is there another type of person on this planet who is more obnoxious? I think not. And I say this as a person who has seen the show seven times. And who as soon as he gets around to seeing the movie will surely write at least 3,000 words on it. But still, let this be a memo to all those obnoxious “Rent” people out there (and you know who you are): I hate you. And everyone else does too. So shut up.
* New York 1 has a meteorologist?!? When did this happen? First George Whipple, then Owen Gleiberman doing movie reviews, and now a meteorologist? What has happened to you New York 1? You’re turning into a regular local news show just one on a continuous loop. If it wasn’t for Weather On The Ones and Roma Torre I don’t know if I would watch you at all. Who would have thought our relationship would ever come to this?
* It also seems that now on New York 1 they have taken to devoting a large portion of time to telling you what stories or reports are coming up later, and exactly what time these stories or reports are coming up. It’s not enough that you’re watching right now, they want to make sure that you’ll keep watching for a few more minutes, so they waste time they could be using to give you news to tell you what news they are going to give you in the future. Now I don’t mind a mention of what’s coming up as you go to commercial break since I understand that its an effective way to make sure viewers stay tuned though the commercial, but when they start spending more time promoting an upcoming story than they do actually reporting that story (see: Entertainment Tonight, Sports Center, etc.), that’s when we have a problem. A big problem. I know its all just marketing, but in a way, it’s endemic of a much greater societal problem. There’s getting to be way too much emphasis on the future, at the expense of the present. How many times have you been excited about a movie or a CD coming out and then when it actually comes out you never bother to watch it or buy it? How many times have you been planning the names of the children you’re going to have with someone you’ve dated for a few weeks? How many times have you looked forward to an event or an occasion only to be disappointed by it? On that last count, nearly every day right? Well it seems to me, that’s because we no longer know how to enjoy the present. We live in the future and so when the future finally becomes the present we can no longer fully enjoy it because A.) we’ve already experienced it in our minds and B.) we’ve already moved on to a new future. Therefore the present is becoming an eternally disappointing and unimportant place. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m worried about what the new New York 1 promos at the top of every hour say about the future of the human race. And I swear on my life I’m not on drugs.
(Also, since I watched this excessive emphasis on what’s coming up ruin Sports Center I’m worried that it will ruin New York 1 too. And I’m worried they’re gonna turn into a regular local news show and that Gary Anthony Ramsey will be one day making awkward lame jokes with the weather guy. And then life will no longer be worth living. Clearly I should get out more.)
* There are many things I dislike in this world such as Paris Hilton, glitter, and Everybody Loves Raymond. But there are a few very special things and people that reach a whole nother level of hatred. I call this the “Bill O’Reilly Zone”, after the person I hate more than anyone or anything in the entire world. The depth of my hatred for Bill O’Reilly cannot possibly even come close to being put into words. No matter what level of physical or emotional harm befell Bill O’Reilly, I would never ever EVER feel even the slightest bit sad. His very existence makes me hate all of humanity for allowing him to even exist in any publicly visible way. And since in my above New York 1 rant I mentioned two of other the things on the “Bill O’Reilly Zone” list I thought now would be a good time to unveil the whole list as it currently stands. Because I suffer from the delusional idea that you care about such things.
List of People And Things For Which There Should Be Reserved A Special Circle of Hell Known As The Bill O’Reilly Zone:
-local news shows
-Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwarzbaum
-US Weekly
-Yoko Ono
-Maxim
-girls who wear Playboy apparel
-“Spiderman” & “Spiderman 2”
-Beyonce
-ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith
-The Cubs
-Dick Cheney
-The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
-really old, really rich residents of the Upper East Side (you know which ones I mean)
and of course…
-haters
The Top 5 Completely Unnecessary Industries I Wish Id Invented First:
1.) The Bottled Water Industry – This is the greatest mystery of our times. How in the world were we all convinced to start paying exorbitant prices for something essentially flavorless that we already get for free? Now don’t get me wrong, I love bottled water and see its great value if you are traveling, and I probably haven’t drunk tap water since I was about five, but still, how did bottled water become the phenomenon it is? I mean, had I been raised on tap water I’m sure I would have been fine with it, but as soon as my parents started buying Ozarka water for me at a young age I got it ingrained it my head that it was somehow better. And yet there is conclusive proof that there is absolutely nothing wrong with tap water and that it’s just as good for you as bottled water. And why on earth would someone go to a restaurant and order bottled water when water is already provided free of charge? And why do people carry bottles of water everywhere even places where there are plenty of drinking fountains available. To greatly paraphrase George Carlin when did we as human beings become so thirsty that we must carry water with us at all times? Can anyone answer any of these questions? I don’t have a problem with any of this per say, I just want to know how it got started.
2.) The Candle Industry – As far as I can tell candles serve almost no practical purpose today and yet I swear more candles are bought and sold in America today than in 1860 when they were used to actually light entire homes. Somehow we have been convinced that scented candles somehow actually emit a scent strong enough to be smelled more than two feet away, and that decorative candles are ever even noticed by visitors to our homes. Neither of these are true. Stop wasting your money.
3.) The Smoothie Industry – Now I enjoy a good smoothie as much as anyone, but really, are they in any way necessary? They are a nice refreshing treat, but some people are starting to treat Jamba Juice like it’s Starbucks. Coffee is an essential life need, much like water or air or heroin. Smoothies on the other hand have no real quantifiable purpose other than to taste good. I know they are supposed to make you more healthy or give you energy or alertness or some crap like that but if you buy that then I got two words for you: Suck Er.
4.) The Ring Tones Industry – Maybe it’s just a sign I’m getting too old, but I really don’t understand what the deal is with ring tones. I mean I haven’t completely “not gotten” a cultural phenomenon to this degree since the release of “Trapped in the Closet”.
(Speaking of “Trapped in the Closet”: did anyone see the episode of South Park where Stan discovers he might be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard and then insults Tom Cruise’s acting which causes a devastated Tom Cruise to hide in the closet while a variety of people including R. Kelly beg him to “come out of the closet”? Because I didn’t see it, I only read about it, but it sounds from the premise like it could have been one of the greatest episodes of a TV show ever. So I just wanted to know if anyone could confirm or deny this supposition.)
(Speaking of TV shows: wow that Desperate Housewives backlash was quick, harsh and the most predictable thing to happen since Jennifer Aniston decided to pose topless on the cover of GQ. Next up on America’s agenda: being “over” Family Guy.)
5.) The Higher Education “Industry” – There are few things I am more passionate about than education. If you think I get passionate about things sometimes here in the journal then talk to me some time about the state of education in this country. Just make sure you have a few hours. So I’m the last person in the world who would suggest that people should be less educated. But I will suggest that maybe higher education isn’t always the way to go about getting that extended education. Maybe it just becomes a prolonged adolescence for far too many people. Maybe it stifles truly original, creative, independent thought. And maybe our culture preaching that college is the only path to success creates a self-fulfilling prophecy for those who cannot for whatever reason attend college. This is a much bigger topic than I have the time to get into in this space but I will say this. Of the over 20 people in my extended family born between 1910-1930 of whom I have record of, only one of them went to college. And my family was pretty typical of the times. And yet when watching Good Night and Good Luck recently I was struck by how many large words and complex sentences were used on the nightly news. Whereas today, to quote John Simon, “we have apparently lost our tenuous grip on the compound sentence and the kind of thinking which requires its syntactical structures.” (And yes I just quoted John Simon. And yes I will now throw up in my mouth.) And this non-college going generation is also the generation that oversaw the rise of the United States to superpower status. So maybe college isn’t all its cracked up to be after all. This was all brought to my attention a while back through a semi life-changing article by Ted Ball from the old Might Magazine entitled “College is for Suckers”. I think the title makes his thesis pretty clear. And he just might have a point. Of course I didn’t go to a real college and I’m not pursuing a real career, so maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. So check back with me once I get my masters.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Oprah on Dave
2.) Walk the Line
3.) Charlize Theron in North Country
3 & 1/2.) Kiera Knightly in Pride and Prejudice
Thought of the Week:
“It will take me three hours to decide which compact discs to put in the backseat of my car. This is the kind of quandary that keeps people like m from sleeping; I never worry about nuclear war, or the economy or if we need to establish a Palestinian state, but I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I need to purchase all the less than stellar Rolling Stones albums from the 1980s for cataloging purposes.” – Chuck Klosterman
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