We’ve all had that experience at the movie theater. We have our popcorn, we’re just settling into our seat, the previews are rolling along, and then out of the blue you’ll hear it: “Starring Academy Award winner Halle Berry”. And we all have the same reaction: “What the $#%#$”
Exactly.
What the $#%#$ indeed.
Halle Berry has an Oscar. How did that happen? It’s one of the greatest and most senseless tragedies of our time. And yet so many people have forgotten it even occurred. But we must never forget or else it might happen again. In nearly every major city there have been Holocaust museums erected, and yet not a single Halle Berry Oscar museum exists. Well I may be only one man and I may not have the money to buy a museum, but I do have a little read obscure online blog with a strange name. And I will use the remaining few paragraphs or so of this week’s entry to make sure the WORLD never forgets.
In order to deal with this problem though we must first look at how it happened. Looking back it would seem people were fooled by her attractiveness into thinking she deserved an Oscar. But come on, do we really live world where an actor’s merit is determined not by their level of talent but by their physical attributes? I say we do not! I also say my mind operates on the level of a five year old’s.
So it must be something else that led to her Oscar win. But what? Well, when anything in life happens and it seems like there is a logical explanation for it but you’re too lazy to find out what that reason is then that can only mean one thing: It must have been a racial thing.
At that time a black woman had never won Best Actress before, and so her win was great day for black people everywhere. Her win wasn’t just a win for her, but for all black women everywhere. You see, she’s very black. She’s not like The Rock or Mariah Carey - the grand marshals of the People Of Indeterminate Ethic Origin Day Parade. Oh no, she’s as black as night. As black as the bruises David Justice gave her. As black as a KFC in Bed-Stuy.
Only one problem...
She’s half white.
Her freaking mother who was sitting next to her when she won was whiter than Lauren Ambrose. I don’t get why this was never mentioned. Why was all the coverage of her winning focused around the fact she was “black”? It would be like if Freddie Prinze Jr. won a Cable Ace Award and it was declared a great moment for the Hispanic community.
(Speaking of great moments for the Hispanic community, can someone shoot Carlos Mencia for me?)
So since she’s half white it must not have been an affirmative action thing. So what was it? Why DID Halle Berry win an Oscar?
The world may never know.
Which means it was proabaly Sadam Hussein's fault.
Now lets go invade Iraq.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week
1.) The Coup
2.) The Greys Anatomy Finale
3.) Mario Live: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2139555376132383479&q=mario+live&pr=goog-sl
3 & 1/2.) "Further Evidence That Sports Center Has Lost All Connection to Reality": http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/5/10steele.html
Thought of the Week: Anyone else see the teaser ad for Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip? How did people forget to tell me Timothy Busfield was goign to be in? Matthew Perry, Nate Cordry, Bradley Whitford, AND Timothy Busfield? Thats hands down the greatest TV cast of all time. I could not possibly be more excited.
1 comment:
Hey ANdy
It's Rory. Katie Woodruff led me to your insanely intelligent and well constructed blog. I'm already a fan.
I agree with you on some level with Halle Berry. I don't think her performance in MONSTER'S BALL is awful perse, but I certainly think the bulk of the hype was race related, it's true.
However, there are worse Oscar tragedies involving leading women. Helen Hunt, for one. A bland performance speaking a series of nonsequitor sentiments with a VERY questionable New York accent. Yet, she somehow defeated probably the best Judi Dench film performance in a little film called MRS. BROWN.
Hilary Swank WAS great in BOYS DON'T CRY, and really deserved it that year, but how in God's name has HILARY SWANL joined the elite few that have TWO best actress oscars? Her performance in MILLION DOLLAR BABY was okay, but there's more to acting than getting scuffed up and using southern accents.
Morgan Freeman, also for MDB. Two words for you: OVER RATED. He plays every role exactly the same, relying heavily on his narrator voice to cruise through pictures and con people into believing he is actually somehow invested in his characters. He's done nothing earth shattering since SHAWSHANK, his last great performance.
Russel Crowe for GLADIATOR. Not that it's bad perse, but, my God, Ed Harris in POLLACK tore it up, you could see his insides eviscerating from within. Even Crowe would have preferred to win for INSIDER or BEAITFUL MIND or even CINDERELLA MAN or LA CONFIDENTIAL
Halle Berry is unworthy, 'tis true. X3 boldly tested her acting ability, giving precious little to work with to see if she could do SOMETHING interesting, and she failed miserably. Some actresses CAN turn water into wine (see Meryl Streep in DEATH BECOMES HER and LEMONY SNICKET), but Berry has proved not to be part of that elite. However, I would have just as upset if the other favorite, Sissy Spacek won that year, for an overrated performance with one break down scene, rather inconsequential to the film. Her Oscar buzz stole thunder from Tom Wilkinson, the true lead and acting hero of that movie.
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