Sunday, April 24, 2005
Who You Know Do It Better: The Wit and Wisdom of P Diddy and the Fam
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Sunday, April 03, 2005
Fred the Online Journal Recommends
*Making crappy self-indulgent lists and putting them in your online journal rather than actually writing a real entry about something people will care about even though it’s already been like forever since you last wrote anything:
The only thing worse than someone with an online journal is someone who doesn’t update their online journal for three weeks and then when they finally do update it its with some lame half-assed stop-gap measure written only so that people will stop asking them “when are you going to update your online journal”. Well, actually there is one thing worse than that: people who read other people’s online journals. Those people are losers. And they have no lives. Or friends. Despite what facebook might say.
*Your Mom:
She keeps getting better and better all the time. In fact, it’s getting to the point now that when she requests that I “give it to her” I’m starting to think she might not always be referring to my money.
*Jordan Schildcrout:
Per Katie Woodruff’s request I feel I should say a few words here about Marymount’s best-kept secret. If you haven’t had the privilege yet of taking a Modern Drama course from Jordan your life is incomplete. Sure he seems constantly nervous and uncomfortable, his age could be anywhere between 15 and 40, his speech patterns and mannerisms are almost unbearably awkward, and he might be the least fashionable gay man in history. But like a fine wine he just gets better with time until eventually you fully drink from his bottle of knowledge and become drunk on the rich taste of sweet education.
Or some shit like that.
Plus part of me thinks he could totally kick Mark Ringer’s ass in a bar fight. And even if he couldn’t, Id pay a large sum of money to see him try.
(Speaking of Katie Woodruff, is it too early to recommend her Christopher Durang monologue she’ll be doing in Senior Showcase? It is? Okay, well when it comes time to get your tickets for Showcase make sure you’re the first in line because you don’t want to miss it. It’ll be the best $0 you’ll ever spend.)
*Not being so negative and critical:
Seriously, I am so sick of people being critical and negative about things. People who are like that really suck. They are losers and I hate them. But yet they are everywhere. Seriously, what is this hellish God-forsaken world coming to?
*Having a picture of your real self on facebook:
Yes your drawing of Jesus is both humorous and ironic. Yes I like Mr. T as much as the next person. And yes your choice of picture is exceedingly clever and reflects well on your character and your worth as human being. But it makes it impossible to figure out if I know you or not. And if I don’t know if I know you or not how can I know whether or not to request to be your friend? Now I know that doesn’t stop most people from requesting to be someone’s friend, but I guess I’m just old fashioned like that. But really though, facebook is like the yearbook for the 21st century and you wouldn’t put a picture of a monkey having sex with George Bush as your yearbook picture would you? So why would you put it as your facebook picture? Seriously get with the program people…
*The ending to Being There
Granted you’ve probably never heard of Being There but then again you probably didn’t even know they made movies before 1980. Well they did. Being There for example came out in 1979. I hear there are movies even older than that too! Like Star Wars, Annie Hall and The Godfather(s). Other than that though, Being There might be the oldest movie ever made. Which makes the fact it has the best ending in movie history even more impressive. And if you don’t believe me (and frankly that’s probably wise on your part) then you can take USA Today’s word for it as they said the same thing a few weeks after I had come to a similar conclusion myself. Now of course part of what made the ending so good was that I had no idea the movie had anything unique about its ending, and by telling you that it does I am ruining it partially for you. But no matter, you’ll enjoy it nevertheless. With apologies to Say Anything..., The Sixth Sense, Fight Club, Before Sunset and of course the former champ, The Graduate, Being There has what is without a doubt the best ending in movie history. And on top of that, it's an amazing, unique, one of a kind film that best exemplifies the phrase “they don’t make ‘em like the used to” (although lord knows Wes Anderson tries) and also contains a BRILLANT performance by Peter Sellers. So, long story short, go rent this movie.
*Mcsweeneys.net:
Other than porn and some killer tuna casserole recipes Mcsweeneys.net is the greatest thing to ever happen to the internet and if you are not reading it daily and basking in its brilliance then your life is decidedly not complete my friend. I hesitate to recommend it to you if you are not already aware of its existence as everything I write I pretty much a blatant rip off of the stuff they do (well that is the stuff I write that isn’t a blatant rip off of Chuck Klosterman or Bill Simmons) and as soon as you read their stuff mine will seem painfully bad by comparison. For example this whole entry is based on a feature they do called “McSweeneys Recommends” where every few weeks they recommend random things like “blowing gently on a baby’s face” “The University of Illinois basketball team” or “binder clips” and then write commentary about them. But I am willing to give up whatever shred of respect you might have for me by recommending that you check out mcsweeneys.net and thus enhancing your life greatly. I can’t explain to you their brilliance in words. The best I can do I give you a random sample of the type of writing you might find on their site. For example here is a letter written to them by one of their readers (mind you, at the time this letter was written, nowhere on the site had anyone ever mentioned The Clash):
From: Patrick Cassels
Subject: Go. Clearly
Dear McS,
Why did The Clash feel the need to write such a perplexed and long-winded song for such a simple question?
“If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double”
Clearly, to go is the better option, as it will cause half the trouble as staying. It's pure logic.
I'm as embarrassed for them as you are,
Patrick Cassels
Marlboro, NY
Now that is FAR from the best example of something you might read on their site; it was just the first thing I saw short enough to paste here. But it is a fairly good example of the random, exceedingly clever and very humorous stuff on their site (even though it was contributed by a reader and not by one of their writers). But you can pretty clearly see how it influences Fred. Sure it can be a little too clever at times and not everything works like it should, but when its good, there’s no writing anywhere that’s better. And I can’t stress that strongly enough. Plus its run by Dave Eggers and employs many of the same people and principles that the old Might Magazine did and Might Magazine is the greatest magazine in the history of human kind so that counts for something. So anyway if you at all even remotely enjoy my shitty ramblings then you should check mcsweeneys.net out. Because I think in my next life it would be my goal to write for them.
That is if we’re not both cats.
*Pringles:
Unlike you, I’ve never tried crack. But if it’s anything like Pringles I’d be doomed.
*Winona Rider in Reality Bites
I never got the whole Winona Rider thing from back in the day when people liked her and she was some kind of indie/underground sex symbol or something. Granted it was a little before my time, but I still remember it and it never really made sense to me. I mean she looks like a boyish elf and clearly is a little mentally unbalanced. But then I recently saw Reality Bites for the first time and I got it. So if you happen to be Winona Rider circa Reality Bites give me a call so we can get married and stuff. Now believe me, this development is as shocking to me as to anyone. I mean it violates two of my major rules about girls I won’t date:
1.) girls with really short boyish haircuts
2.) Winona Rider
But I guess there are exceptions to every rule. Even #2 apparently…
*The Pope:
Oh. Nevermind...
(Too soon for Pope jokes? Well as I pretend to cater to all audiences maybe so, but I will say its better than the Jesus joke I was planning to use here. Just trust me on that one.)
*Rice:
Since I go to Marymount I feel I should come out of the closet about something at some point. So here goes: I love rice. Yes I know, it’s shocking but I just can’t keep it a secret anymore. I like rice, and I like it dirty. In fact I like it almost as much as I like plain Cheerios. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Rice and Cheerios? What is cardboard too flavorful for you?” And yes, as a matter of fact it is. Plus it has sort of a grainy aftertaste. Just like your mom.
*Making up your own advertising campaigns for things:
For example:
-The board game “Life” should really adopt as their slogan, “There are no winners in the game of Life”. Of course it would hurt their sales, but oh the irony would be delicious. Almost as delicious as rice.
-Indiana University, home of the Hoosiers, should make bumper stickers for parents of students that read “Hoosier Daddy”. In fact if those bumper stickers don’t already exist then there is something seriously wrong with the fine folks on the Indiana University bumper sticker making committee.
-Emerald Nuts should make brilliant commercials involving random things that start with the letters E and N. Oh wait, those already exist…
-You know the hand sign you make for “West Side”? Well the actors on The West Wing should totally make one of those with each hand, hold them both up and yell out “West WING!” randomly.
-And so on…
Now you see why when my Mom always tried to tell me growing up that I should go into advertising that I decided to into a low paying, highly unstable, soul crushing career of playing dress up and doing funny voices instead.
*Guess Who:
I was watching Katherine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy and Sidney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner a few months ago and I thought to myself “if they remade this movie you know who would be good to star in it? Bernie Mac, Ashton Kutcher and some random girl.” And wouldn’t you know it, Hollywood stole my idea right out from under me. I feel liked I was punked.
*“Hey Ma” by Cam’ron:
Now surely you know the song and enjoy the fact that it is quite tuneful and pleasing to the ear. But if you study the narrative closely you will realize something that will greatly enhance your enjoyment of the song as well as your enjoyment of life. About halfway through his sordid tale he is “speedin’ up the West Side, hand creepin’ up her left side, ready to bone” when he, our narrator Cam’ron, suddenly realizes “55th exit, damn already we’re home”. At first glance that bit of information might seem inconsequential, but when you think it about it further it means that Cam’ron lives, or lived at one point, on 55th Street. Now granted it might have been on the West Side but you never know. He might have taken the 55th Street exit all the way over from the West Side to the East Side. Possibly even to between 2nd and 3rd Avenues. Possibly even over to The Capri. Regardless though, the point is that I have at one point in my life lived on the same street as Cam’ron. We have been neighbors. And I’ve also now found a rap song that I can literally relate to in a very personal way. Well, except the part about picking up a hot girl in bar and taking her home for sex. But the stuff about living on 55th Street and being in a car at one point in my life, I’m all about that shit homie.
*The New York Times:
I’ve always hated the Times. In fact I used to pass judgment on people who read it. And not judgment in a good way. It was always so stuffy and old school and pretentious and full of itself that I couldn’t stand it. I mean it’s a paper that’s too good to give stars or numerical ratings in their reviews of things. And speaking of reviews, they found fault with both Citizen Kane and The Godfather in their original reviews of them. And don’t even get me started on Frank Rich. But now that I have to read it every week for class I find myself actually enjoying it. Sure it’s still not my favorite paper but now in my old age I “get it” and I am glad that it exists. In fact a lot of the articles are really great. Nevertheless, I’ll always be a Post guy. Even though the Post is not a valid paper, and even though its pretty clearly got a conservative bias, and even though its still published in that ridiculous tabloid format rather than like a regular newspaper, I still get more enjoyment out of reading it than I do from any of the other New York papers. Plus with the Post I can still hold out hope that one day a house that Usher lives in will collapse and that therefore a paper will exist with the headline that reads “The Fall of the House of Usher!” And when/if that day comes all the Post’s faults will be forgiven. But until that time comes the Times is worth a look as well. And I can’t believe I just said that…
Do you have anything you’d like to recommend? If so, you should comment below…
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Jane’s Addiction- “Ritual de lo Habitual” (album)
2.) Monty Python’s Flying Circus on DVD
3.) The Smiths
3 & 1/2.) NCAA Basketball
Editors Note:
Fred the Online Journal will be on hiatus for the next few weeks due to Marymount’s production of “There are Crimes and Crimes”. But don’t forget about ol’ Fred here while he’s away. He’ll be back in a few short weeks with all new material like “Facebook.com and The Nature of the Universe” “Who You Know Do It Better: The Wit and Wisdom of P.Diddy and the Fam” as well as, if you’re lucky, a graduation edition of “Marymount Musings”. So ya’ll come on back now ya’ hear!
The only thing worse than someone with an online journal is someone who doesn’t update their online journal for three weeks and then when they finally do update it its with some lame half-assed stop-gap measure written only so that people will stop asking them “when are you going to update your online journal”. Well, actually there is one thing worse than that: people who read other people’s online journals. Those people are losers. And they have no lives. Or friends. Despite what facebook might say.
*Your Mom:
She keeps getting better and better all the time. In fact, it’s getting to the point now that when she requests that I “give it to her” I’m starting to think she might not always be referring to my money.
*Jordan Schildcrout:
Per Katie Woodruff’s request I feel I should say a few words here about Marymount’s best-kept secret. If you haven’t had the privilege yet of taking a Modern Drama course from Jordan your life is incomplete. Sure he seems constantly nervous and uncomfortable, his age could be anywhere between 15 and 40, his speech patterns and mannerisms are almost unbearably awkward, and he might be the least fashionable gay man in history. But like a fine wine he just gets better with time until eventually you fully drink from his bottle of knowledge and become drunk on the rich taste of sweet education.
Or some shit like that.
Plus part of me thinks he could totally kick Mark Ringer’s ass in a bar fight. And even if he couldn’t, Id pay a large sum of money to see him try.
(Speaking of Katie Woodruff, is it too early to recommend her Christopher Durang monologue she’ll be doing in Senior Showcase? It is? Okay, well when it comes time to get your tickets for Showcase make sure you’re the first in line because you don’t want to miss it. It’ll be the best $0 you’ll ever spend.)
*Not being so negative and critical:
Seriously, I am so sick of people being critical and negative about things. People who are like that really suck. They are losers and I hate them. But yet they are everywhere. Seriously, what is this hellish God-forsaken world coming to?
*Having a picture of your real self on facebook:
Yes your drawing of Jesus is both humorous and ironic. Yes I like Mr. T as much as the next person. And yes your choice of picture is exceedingly clever and reflects well on your character and your worth as human being. But it makes it impossible to figure out if I know you or not. And if I don’t know if I know you or not how can I know whether or not to request to be your friend? Now I know that doesn’t stop most people from requesting to be someone’s friend, but I guess I’m just old fashioned like that. But really though, facebook is like the yearbook for the 21st century and you wouldn’t put a picture of a monkey having sex with George Bush as your yearbook picture would you? So why would you put it as your facebook picture? Seriously get with the program people…
*The ending to Being There
Granted you’ve probably never heard of Being There but then again you probably didn’t even know they made movies before 1980. Well they did. Being There for example came out in 1979. I hear there are movies even older than that too! Like Star Wars, Annie Hall and The Godfather(s). Other than that though, Being There might be the oldest movie ever made. Which makes the fact it has the best ending in movie history even more impressive. And if you don’t believe me (and frankly that’s probably wise on your part) then you can take USA Today’s word for it as they said the same thing a few weeks after I had come to a similar conclusion myself. Now of course part of what made the ending so good was that I had no idea the movie had anything unique about its ending, and by telling you that it does I am ruining it partially for you. But no matter, you’ll enjoy it nevertheless. With apologies to Say Anything..., The Sixth Sense, Fight Club, Before Sunset and of course the former champ, The Graduate, Being There has what is without a doubt the best ending in movie history. And on top of that, it's an amazing, unique, one of a kind film that best exemplifies the phrase “they don’t make ‘em like the used to” (although lord knows Wes Anderson tries) and also contains a BRILLANT performance by Peter Sellers. So, long story short, go rent this movie.
*Mcsweeneys.net:
Other than porn and some killer tuna casserole recipes Mcsweeneys.net is the greatest thing to ever happen to the internet and if you are not reading it daily and basking in its brilliance then your life is decidedly not complete my friend. I hesitate to recommend it to you if you are not already aware of its existence as everything I write I pretty much a blatant rip off of the stuff they do (well that is the stuff I write that isn’t a blatant rip off of Chuck Klosterman or Bill Simmons) and as soon as you read their stuff mine will seem painfully bad by comparison. For example this whole entry is based on a feature they do called “McSweeneys Recommends” where every few weeks they recommend random things like “blowing gently on a baby’s face” “The University of Illinois basketball team” or “binder clips” and then write commentary about them. But I am willing to give up whatever shred of respect you might have for me by recommending that you check out mcsweeneys.net and thus enhancing your life greatly. I can’t explain to you their brilliance in words. The best I can do I give you a random sample of the type of writing you might find on their site. For example here is a letter written to them by one of their readers (mind you, at the time this letter was written, nowhere on the site had anyone ever mentioned The Clash):
From: Patrick Cassels
Subject: Go. Clearly
Dear McS,
Why did The Clash feel the need to write such a perplexed and long-winded song for such a simple question?
“If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double”
Clearly, to go is the better option, as it will cause half the trouble as staying. It's pure logic.
I'm as embarrassed for them as you are,
Patrick Cassels
Marlboro, NY
Now that is FAR from the best example of something you might read on their site; it was just the first thing I saw short enough to paste here. But it is a fairly good example of the random, exceedingly clever and very humorous stuff on their site (even though it was contributed by a reader and not by one of their writers). But you can pretty clearly see how it influences Fred. Sure it can be a little too clever at times and not everything works like it should, but when its good, there’s no writing anywhere that’s better. And I can’t stress that strongly enough. Plus its run by Dave Eggers and employs many of the same people and principles that the old Might Magazine did and Might Magazine is the greatest magazine in the history of human kind so that counts for something. So anyway if you at all even remotely enjoy my shitty ramblings then you should check mcsweeneys.net out. Because I think in my next life it would be my goal to write for them.
That is if we’re not both cats.
*Pringles:
Unlike you, I’ve never tried crack. But if it’s anything like Pringles I’d be doomed.
*Winona Rider in Reality Bites
I never got the whole Winona Rider thing from back in the day when people liked her and she was some kind of indie/underground sex symbol or something. Granted it was a little before my time, but I still remember it and it never really made sense to me. I mean she looks like a boyish elf and clearly is a little mentally unbalanced. But then I recently saw Reality Bites for the first time and I got it. So if you happen to be Winona Rider circa Reality Bites give me a call so we can get married and stuff. Now believe me, this development is as shocking to me as to anyone. I mean it violates two of my major rules about girls I won’t date:
1.) girls with really short boyish haircuts
2.) Winona Rider
But I guess there are exceptions to every rule. Even #2 apparently…
*The Pope:
Oh. Nevermind...
(Too soon for Pope jokes? Well as I pretend to cater to all audiences maybe so, but I will say its better than the Jesus joke I was planning to use here. Just trust me on that one.)
*Rice:
Since I go to Marymount I feel I should come out of the closet about something at some point. So here goes: I love rice. Yes I know, it’s shocking but I just can’t keep it a secret anymore. I like rice, and I like it dirty. In fact I like it almost as much as I like plain Cheerios. Now, I know what you’re thinking “Rice and Cheerios? What is cardboard too flavorful for you?” And yes, as a matter of fact it is. Plus it has sort of a grainy aftertaste. Just like your mom.
*Making up your own advertising campaigns for things:
For example:
-The board game “Life” should really adopt as their slogan, “There are no winners in the game of Life”. Of course it would hurt their sales, but oh the irony would be delicious. Almost as delicious as rice.
-Indiana University, home of the Hoosiers, should make bumper stickers for parents of students that read “Hoosier Daddy”. In fact if those bumper stickers don’t already exist then there is something seriously wrong with the fine folks on the Indiana University bumper sticker making committee.
-Emerald Nuts should make brilliant commercials involving random things that start with the letters E and N. Oh wait, those already exist…
-You know the hand sign you make for “West Side”? Well the actors on The West Wing should totally make one of those with each hand, hold them both up and yell out “West WING!” randomly.
-And so on…
Now you see why when my Mom always tried to tell me growing up that I should go into advertising that I decided to into a low paying, highly unstable, soul crushing career of playing dress up and doing funny voices instead.
*Guess Who:
I was watching Katherine Hepburn, Spencer Tracy and Sidney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner a few months ago and I thought to myself “if they remade this movie you know who would be good to star in it? Bernie Mac, Ashton Kutcher and some random girl.” And wouldn’t you know it, Hollywood stole my idea right out from under me. I feel liked I was punked.
*“Hey Ma” by Cam’ron:
Now surely you know the song and enjoy the fact that it is quite tuneful and pleasing to the ear. But if you study the narrative closely you will realize something that will greatly enhance your enjoyment of the song as well as your enjoyment of life. About halfway through his sordid tale he is “speedin’ up the West Side, hand creepin’ up her left side, ready to bone” when he, our narrator Cam’ron, suddenly realizes “55th exit, damn already we’re home”. At first glance that bit of information might seem inconsequential, but when you think it about it further it means that Cam’ron lives, or lived at one point, on 55th Street. Now granted it might have been on the West Side but you never know. He might have taken the 55th Street exit all the way over from the West Side to the East Side. Possibly even to between 2nd and 3rd Avenues. Possibly even over to The Capri. Regardless though, the point is that I have at one point in my life lived on the same street as Cam’ron. We have been neighbors. And I’ve also now found a rap song that I can literally relate to in a very personal way. Well, except the part about picking up a hot girl in bar and taking her home for sex. But the stuff about living on 55th Street and being in a car at one point in my life, I’m all about that shit homie.
*The New York Times:
I’ve always hated the Times. In fact I used to pass judgment on people who read it. And not judgment in a good way. It was always so stuffy and old school and pretentious and full of itself that I couldn’t stand it. I mean it’s a paper that’s too good to give stars or numerical ratings in their reviews of things. And speaking of reviews, they found fault with both Citizen Kane and The Godfather in their original reviews of them. And don’t even get me started on Frank Rich. But now that I have to read it every week for class I find myself actually enjoying it. Sure it’s still not my favorite paper but now in my old age I “get it” and I am glad that it exists. In fact a lot of the articles are really great. Nevertheless, I’ll always be a Post guy. Even though the Post is not a valid paper, and even though its pretty clearly got a conservative bias, and even though its still published in that ridiculous tabloid format rather than like a regular newspaper, I still get more enjoyment out of reading it than I do from any of the other New York papers. Plus with the Post I can still hold out hope that one day a house that Usher lives in will collapse and that therefore a paper will exist with the headline that reads “The Fall of the House of Usher!” And when/if that day comes all the Post’s faults will be forgiven. But until that time comes the Times is worth a look as well. And I can’t believe I just said that…
Do you have anything you’d like to recommend? If so, you should comment below…
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Jane’s Addiction- “Ritual de lo Habitual” (album)
2.) Monty Python’s Flying Circus on DVD
3.) The Smiths
3 & 1/2.) NCAA Basketball
Editors Note:
Fred the Online Journal will be on hiatus for the next few weeks due to Marymount’s production of “There are Crimes and Crimes”. But don’t forget about ol’ Fred here while he’s away. He’ll be back in a few short weeks with all new material like “Facebook.com and The Nature of the Universe” “Who You Know Do It Better: The Wit and Wisdom of P.Diddy and the Fam” as well as, if you’re lucky, a graduation edition of “Marymount Musings”. So ya’ll come on back now ya’ hear!
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