A Conversation With Usher

Me: Hi Usher, nice to see you.

Usher: Hey boo.

Me: Umm…hey…So anyway, if you’ll have a seat we can get started. Now I hate to bring this up but you’re actually almost a half hour late. You were supposed to be here at 4:00 and its already almost 4:30 so…

Usher: Well you know how it is - so many days, so many hours.

Me: What?

(pause)

Usher: Baby, I’m a love you.

Me:…Usher, are you throwed?

Usher: Yeeaaah! Im so throwed, I don’t know what to do! But to give you part two of my confessions.

Me: Um, you never gave me part one. You just got here remember?

Usher: Baby I been here.

Me: Um, actually no you haven’t.

Usher: It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours since I sat down.

Me: No it hasn’t. Those aren’t even real numbers. How much did you have to drink exactly?

Usher: I am SO throwed!

Me: Yeah we’ve been over that already…Please don’t tell me you drove here.

(silence)

Me: Oh no, you DID drive here didn’t you?

(silence)

Me: Usher, I won’t be mad but just tell me how you got here.

Usher: Well I was ridin' in my whip, racin' to this place…

Me: Wait, hold up. Ridin in your whip? What the hell is your whip?

Usher: My ride.

Me: You can’t just go around making up words like that. Especially when they already exist. Are you an idiot or something?

Usher: My chick on the side said she got one on the way!!!

Me: So that answers that.

Usher: You know that chick on part one I told you I was creepin' with, creepin' with?

Me: No. We already went over this, you never told me part one. And stop repeating yourself.

Usher: Well anyway, she said she's three months pregnant and she's keepin' it.

Me: What?!? What are you talking about? I thought you were with that chick from TLC.

Usher: I am. But I got this chick on the side that she don’t know about. And now she pregnant. I just done said all that.

Me: This is seriously the first time you’re mentioning this to me. I know nothing about this situation. Who the hell is this girl? Where did you meet her?

Usher: I can’t remember. My boy Andre 3000 maybe do though. Yo, Dre you got the story bout how I met that one chick?

Andre 3000: Oh, that’s ones easy. When you first met your SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel I can remember that damn thing like yesterday. You’re in the club with your hommies, tryna get a lil V-I, keep it down on the low key, cause you know how it feels. And this fine looking shorty rolls by. I mean, on a one-to-ten she's a certified twenty, and that just aint me. All the hommies agreed. The way she moved reminded you of a brown stallion horse with skates on - smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair. So you walked up on her and was almost paralyzed. Her neck was smelling sweeter than a plate of yams with extra syrup, eyes beaming like four karats apiece just blindin' a nigga. Felt like you chiefed a whole O of that Presidential your heart was beating so damn fast. She was checkin up on you, and from the game she was spittin your ear you would think that she knew you. So you decided to chill. But conversation got heavy, and she had you feelin like she's ready to blow. She saying “come get me, come get me”, so you got up and followed her to the floor. She said, “Baby let’s go”. So she’s all up in your head now, got you thinking that it might be a good idea to take her with you, cause she's ready to leave. But you gotta keep it real now, cause you don't know if you take that chance just where is it was gonna lead. But what you did know was that the way she dance made shorty alright with you. I mean, the way she getting low! So you’re like, “yeah, just work that out for me.” And so she asked for one more dance and you’re like yeah. I mean, how the hell you supposed to leave? And that’s how it happened.

Me: Well thank you very much for that story Mr. 3000.

Andre 3000: Aint no thang. (he leaves)

Usher: So you see my problem. Whatma gonna do? What I gotta do now to get my shorty back? Cause ooo ooo ooo ooooh, man I don't know what I'm gonna do without my boo.

Me: What is this, fuckin Halloween?

Usher: What?

Me: Nevermind. Look what you gotta do is just tell her that you love and that youre sorry, and since you guys are a couple you’ll work through it together.

Usher: But we done been fell apart

Me: Okay look, you really gotta work on your grammar or this just aint happenin.

Nelly: Did I herrr someone sayin Country Grammar up in herrr?

Me: Um, no.

Carlos Santana: Did I hear someone mention the Grammys?

Me: Um, No.

Spencer Grammer: Got any coke?

Me: No.

(pause)

Me: Moving on…The first thing you gotta do is to really be sorry for your actions.

Usher: Howma gonna do that?

Me: Well the Catholics say that to receive forgiveness for your sins you have to undergo a penance, or some type of self-imposed suffering or payment for your actions.

Usher: Aight, how I do that?

Me: Well I could hit you in the face repeatedly until it really starts to burn.

Usher: What?

(I hit him in the face)

Usher: Hey, that hurt!

Me: I know. It’s supposed to. That’s how this works. And even though this might bruise you, if you’re really sorry, then you need to let it burn. Let it burn. You gotta let it burn.

Usher: Okay.

(I hit him in the face again)

Usher: Ooh ooh ooh!

(I keep pummeling him furiously)

Usher: Ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh oooh! Can ya feel me burnin'?

Me: No.

(The pummeling continues)

Usher: Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh…It burns!!!

Me: Okay that’s probably enough. So now you’re forgiven for your actions. What you need to do next is be honest with your girl and seek HER forgiveness.

Usher: How I do that?

Me: Well tell her exactly what happened and what was running through your mind when you found out about it. Like for example, when you got that phone call, what immediately went through your mind?

Usher: Well, I damn near cried.

Me: That’s good, but what was the first thought that came into your mind?

Usher: The first thing that came to mind was glue.

Me: Glue?

Usher: Yeah I enjoy arts and crafts.

Me: Well that’s nice but how bout when you’re talking to her you say instead that, “the first thing that came to mind was YOU” rather than glue. I think that’ll go over better.

Usher: Okay, if you say so.

Me: I do. What did you think about next?

Usher: Well second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true. Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did, how I ain't ready for no kid.

Me: Well you can’t dwell on the past, but it does sound like for the most part you got a pretty good handle on it.

Usher: Yeah, but howma gonna tell the woman I love that I’m havin a baby by a woman I barely even know?

Me: Well that’ll be hard, but that’s why you should practice saying out loud what you want to tell her so you’ll get used to hearing the words come out of your mouth. It'll make it much easier when the actual time comes. Lets practice right now in fact. Let me hear what you’ll say to her when you see her.

Usher: I dunno what Ima say.

Me: Yes you do. Just come out and say it.

Usher: But if I tell it then I gotta tell it all. And dat’s hard.

Me: I know its tough, but you gotta do it.

Usher: I cant.

Me: Yes you CAN.

Usher: Man, but right now I just sittin here stuck on supid, tryna figure out when, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth.

Me: Don’t worry about it so much. And what did I tell you about working on your grammar?

Usher: I know, but I said it ain't gon' be easy

Me: True, but you just need to stop thinkin', contemplatin' and be a man and get it over with

Usher: Over with?

Me: Yes.

Usher: Aight…Here goes: “This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. To tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know. I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this and hopefully you'll give me another chance. This ain't about my career. This ain't about my life. It's about us.”

Me: Wait! That’s it!

Usher: What’s it?

Me: What you need to do. This IS about your career! What you need to do is record the story of what a scumbag you are in a song, put a smooth R&B groove to it, and you’ll become a star! See, right now everyone things you’re a non-descript singer who likes to strip during performances at awards shows. But once everyone finds out that you’re actually a cheating, lying, sex-obsessed douche bag then they’ll totally love you. It’s always better to be an awful person than it is to not be worthy of being on the cover of US Weekly. This whole having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous women while you’re in a committed relationship is your ticket to the top kid! Maybe you can even get a Grammy nomination or 5 out of it!!

Usher: Yeeeaah!

Me: And see if you can find someone to hang out who drinks pimp juice out of a gold chalice. Preferably someone short, with gold teeth, outrageous glasses, and a big hat. You’ll look really cool by comparison.

Usher: Yeeeaaaahh!!

Me: And maybe find a really obnoxious weird looking guy to hang out with too.

Usher: That sounds ludicrous.

Me: Indeed it does, but really once people see you in side-by-side comparison with really, really untalented people, there’s No Limit to how popular you’ll become.

Usher: Yeeaaahhh!!

Me: So you know what you gotta do now right?

Usher: Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeaah!

Me: Okay settle down.

Usher: Sorry.

Me: So you know what to do when you talk to your boo?

Usher: Sing it to her. And make sure the tape is rolling.

Me: Very good. And what about your new posse?

Usher: Short guy with pimp juice in a chalice and ridiculously untalented southern guy.

Me: Right. And what about your herpes?

Usher: I gotta let ‘em burn.

Me: That’s right, no Valtrex. The pain is part of your penance.

Usher: Yeah!

Me: Alright Usher, you go knock ‘em dead. Or at least show them properly to their seats.

Usher: Will do. And that you for the assistance my white brother. You have helped me greatly. I am now off to do my work. So holla back boo.

(he flies away into the sunset)

The End


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Shrimp
2.) The Office (BBC version)
3.) The Dandy Warhols - "Bohemian Like You"
3 & 1/2.) Amy Adams in Junebug


Thought of the Week:
"To me being 'cool' is the opposite of living. Its about not getting too worked up abot anything...Its such a cliched, jaded posture to take. I get real enthuastic about stuff. Its what I think is life-affirming" - Owen Wilson

(I feel certain that will be the only time in my life I will ever quote Owen Wilson, but the man has great point.)