MTV Killed the Video Star

Sometimes you know things will disappoint you but you do them anyway. Watching Saturday Night Live, paying to see a new Star Wars movie, having sex with your mom, and of course watching the VMAs. It wasn’t always like this though. As recently as three years ago the VMAs had Eminem feuding with puppets, Chris Rock insulting celebrities to their face, a guy from Rage Against the Machine climbing on the set, Blink 182 dancing with midgets, and girls kissin’ other girls while dressed in wedding attire. Now though, we got R. Kelly lip-synching, MC Hammer attempting to be cool, and Diddy not doing anything even remotely funny. This of course answers the question everyone has been asking me which is: “Diddy?” Well no, he didn’t.
Moving on…
All in all, it was even more unmemorable than last year and that’s saying something. In fact it took me a week after the fact to even post this, because I figured that’s how long it would take most people to bother to check out the show on one of MTV’s five reruns a day. More troubling than the lack of excitement this year though, was seeing what was nominated for the top awards. Usually no matter how bad the show itself was, the awards part of the evening was pretty good. Quality videos were always nominated and you usually cared what won. Sure there was some crap thrown in, but when it came to the biggies like “Video of the Year” and the “MTV2 Award” usually all the nominees were really high quality groundbreaking videos, sometimes for relative obscure acts. Don’t forget, videos like “Freak on a Leash” “Hurt” “99 Problems” “Virtual Insanity” “Buddy Holly” and “Weapon of Choice” were all nominated for the top award. And in perhaps the best case ever of “sticking it to the man” when said “man” is yourself, Neil Young’s “This Note’s for You” video won Video of the Year even though MTV refused to ever air it. Now you may ask yourself how I remember that. Well it’s because I remember that video. I remember all those aforementioned videos. They made an impact on me and impressed me with their artistry. In our lifetime we’ve seen videos go from being a mere promotional tool for a song to an art form in and of itself. So that’s why it’s depressing to look at the nominees from this year. Sure “Speed of Sound” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” are great songs, but great videos? That’s questionable at best. And you can honestly tell me that the videos for “Locked Up” and “Still Tippin’” have a shred of artistic merit? Of course you can’t. But then again you can’t say much about them, because you’ve probably never even seen them. No one has. Because MTV has given up on videos. Now I know that it’s been en vogue to hate on the station that brought us En Vogue for not playing videos since almost the day the station started, but it’s truer now that it ever has been. It’s gotten so bad that now MTV has actually lunched an ad campaign to defend itself against the criticism that they no longer play videos. Funny thing is if they would just spend all the time they use defending themselves against the charges that they don’t play video to, oh I dunno, actually play videos, then we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. But we are instead now at a point where no one can even debate whether the VMAs nominees are good or bad because no one has seen any of the videos. The sad part is that the quality of videos being produced is constantly getting better and better, yet the average person doesn’t ever get to see them. There’s stuff out there now that’s better shot and more creative and artistically relevant than 90% of feature films. But you would never know that from watching MTV. Because they refuse to acknowledge that videos even exist. Its like a father leaving his family, but instead of leaving the kids when they are little, waiting instead until they have grown up into genius world-renowned superstars and then ditching them to go marry some stripper he met at a bar and raise her dirty drug addict kids in their place. Any way you want to look at it the relationship between MTV and the art form they helped spawn couldn’t be any more sad and ironic. And not ironic in an Alanis Moresitte not-actually-ironic-but-really-more-just-coincidental way, but in an actually ironic way. Also, did I mention it’s really sad? I mean they birthed the art form of videos and then left it for dead. But just like Moses, videos will one day rise up and have all of your first-born male children killed. And they will part the Red Sea too. I know they will. Because they are just that cool. As for things that aren’t cool, well here are my other thoughts on the VMAs:

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-Believe me no one likes "Mr. Brightside" more than me, but perhaps it’s time for a new song. The fireworks were pretty fuckin cool though. On a related note can we get Brandon Flowers some charisma? I think Kayne can loan you some dude.

-Does Lil’ Kim appreciate the irony of her name?

-Remember when Diddy invented the remix?

-Has anyone ever seen Ciarra and Beyonce in the same place at the same time? Just wondering…

-Whoever is in charge of the Taco Bell ads must be stopped. Seriously someone is gonna get hurt and its probably gonna be me.

-Did you know Rachael McAdams is 29?!? How is this possible?

Who the hell is…
…The Bishop Magic Don Juan?
…BS?
…T.I.?

-Sometimes the pressure to make a good joke is just too intense. For example see the reageton performance.

-If I killed Eva Longoria would anyone be opposed?

-On a related note: Ricky Martin is still alive?

-Some things you can live down, some things you cant, and some things are Mariah Carey’s episode of “Cribs”

-What exactly is a hollaback girl?
(How has no one looked into this yet?)

-Run away winner for Quote of the Night:
Kurt Loder on the post show: “Word to the reaggeton thing”

-The Gorillaz aren’t there to accept their award? How can this be?!?

-With Shakira is the actual music she’s dancing to even relevant at this point?

-Can someone please explain “Trapped in the Closet” to me? I mean who would imagine that the song would actually be gayer than the title? And how did it get so much radio play? Really I don’t understand the whole thing. It’s one of the more bizarre musical phenomenons in our lifetime, and the strangeness of it all hasn’t gotten nearly the analysis it needs. I would do the job myself if I even remotely comprehended it. And what the deal with R. Kelly? Isn’t he supposed to be in jail or something? Can we please get that trial under way VERY soon?

-Someone did tell 50 Cent that when you cuss on live TV they just mute the sound right?

-Is it wrong of me that I actually care about the fate of Hilary Duff and Joel Madden as a couple?…Okay let’s just pretend I never mentioned this…

-Do you ever wonder what real non-reality show created artists think about the success of Kelly Clarkson? Do you ever wonder if Kelly Clarkson’s shoes wonder where he feet are? Do you ever wonder if I might or might not write a lengthy essay devoted entirely to “Since U Been Gone”? Well you should.

-I think more really needs to be being made about what Green Day is doing right now. If Ray Charles hadn’t died I think there is universal agreement that they would have won the Grammy for Album of the Year and would have deserved it. They now have also swept a youth oriented awards show on a station that doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of rock anymore. They have an album that is not only the best of its year, but also the most popular of its year. How many bands have been able to make that claim? Very, very few. There have already been four top 20 singles off “American Idiot” and there will likely be two or three more before all is said and done. And there are only 13 tracks on the album. That’s an almost “Thriller” like ratio of hits to non-hits. And it’s not just that they are hits. There are also freakishly good songs. And it’s not just the most popular and one of the best selling albums of the year, it’s also the most important "punk" album since “London Calling” in terms of scope, influence, quality, and relevance. All this being said I think its clear that Green Day isn’t getting nearly enough credit for what they are in the midst of accomplishing. I mean if you can get an 8-minute 5-part intro to a punk rock opera not only played on the radio, but played with extreme frequency, then that opens the door for pretty much anything in not only the world of punk, but in the world of popular music as a whole. In an era when it feels like everything has already been done, especially in rock/punk, when new things are done I don’t think there’s any way to overstate their importance. I could say more but my fingers might start to bleed if I really let loose. Just know that with Green Day right now, we are experiencing something we may never experience again, and appreciate it and soak it up now for all its worth, cause who knows when the next time is that something like this will come along.

Best commercials aired during the show:
1.) Any and all Red Stripe commercials
2.) The salmon eaten by bear Geico commercial
3.) The monster/robot Hummer H3 commercial

Things Diddy should have asked My Chemical Romance to do other than perform:
1.) Rehearse
2.) Get him a sandwich
3.) Not perform

Best rap names I had never heard before the VMAs
1.) Fat Man Scoop
2.) Styles P
3.) Olu Dara

Me Responding to Rap Songs:
T.I.- “U Don’t Know Me”: “You’re right. I don’t.”
Mike Jones- “Who is Mike Jones?”: “I don’t know”
Snoop- “Drop It Like It’s Hot”: “Okay”
Destiny’s Child- “Lose My Breath”: “I'd be glad to help with that.”
Ciarra- “Oh”: “Oh?”

-Okay so this is only tangentially related to the VMAs but another day cannot go by without me discussing a topic that is very important to me: Formula 50 Vitamin Water. That’s right, 50 Cent’s very own flavor of Vitamin Water. I seriously don’t even know where to begin when discussion this other than with a simple question: how? For a little review before we begin- Jay-Z promotes a Grey Goose cognac, Nelly has something called “Pimp Juice”, and Lil’ Jon of course has “Crunk Juice”. What does 50 Cent, the gangsterist gangster of them all have? A flavor of water. How did this happen?!? Were the people at Vitamin Water sitting around in their boardroom one day thinking, “Who would be a person who you would associate with vitamin infused water?” and they came up with 50 Cent? And its not like there’s a line of celebrity endorsed flavors. No, its JUST 50 Cent! That’s it. Seriously is there anything LESS hardcore than vitamin water? I mean who pays $2.50 for a bottle of water? Rich people, trendy people, and idiots. And 50 Cent only appeals to one of those groups. I really don’t get it. And how is this not a bigger topic of national discussion? I mean has there been anything more baffling than this since the release of Donnie Darko? I think not. Okay, I have to stop talking about this now under doctor’s orders.
I’m off now to go get my prescription refilled.



Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Kayne West- "Late Registartion" (Album) (More on this one at a later date...)
2.) OK Go- "A Million Ways" video
3.) Watching Fox News for the entertainment value
3 & 1/2.) Labor


Thought of the Week:
I dont want to really get into in this space, but I would just like to say that I think Katrina is worse than 9/11. Not that theres any way to compare disaters and not that even doing such a thing isnt inherently wrong, disrepectful, and insenstive, but I just hadnt heard that really mentioned and thats really how I feel. As bad as 9/11 was, ultimately the permannt long-lasting damage to those not directly involved, was the loss of two buildings. Katrina has wiped one of the great American cities off the map, and unlike with 9/11 when people said nothing would ever be the same, in this case, things really never will be the same. New Orleans as we know it is gone, never to return. Its really too unfathomable to even comprehend. If your heart doesnt ache then you dont have one. Thats all I really have to say in this space. Thanks for listening.