It seems like every year Christmas becomes more and more about buying presents, seeing old friends, and generally making merry than it does about reflecting on the true “reason for the season”. And so this year before you get too carried away with acting like Christmas is just some huge birthday party, stop to think about how it's actually…umm…well…oh shut up, you get the point. And the point is that Christmas is all about Jesus. No not the guy that mows your lawn. Another Jesus. One who lived a long time ago. Back when Jesus was still a Jewish name. I’m talking of course about Jesus Christ.
(It’s a good thing Jesus Christ never had any kids. If you think being the child of a celebrity is hard, imagine if your last name was Christ. Apple Martin would have nothing on little Tommy Christ.)
As everyone knows, Jesus Christ was the main character of a very popular book called The Bible. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it and are going to hell, it’s the sequel to the hugely successful Torah. It tells the story of Jesus from his illegitimate birth to his bloody death by forced asphyxiation for radical anti-government activities. It’s fun reading for the whole family! In between his birth and death he hung out with murderers, lived with lepers, and befriended prostitutes. So clearly the question we should be asking then is, what WOULND’T Jesus do? Well I know a few things he wouldn’t do would include wearing an outfit that looked like a dress, get kissed by another man, or inviting other dudes to “eat his body” because that would be totally gay.
And Jesus hates gay people.
Speaking of Tom Cruise, him and Jesus were actually similar in many ways. Mainly the fact that they both promoted wacky fringe religions. (But also, Jesus, like, totally loves Katie Holmes.) But instead of promoting a wacky fringe religion created by a fiction writer that had some vague connection to science, Jesus went in a much more credible direction. He founded his own religion. And he named it Christianity. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? In his religion he proposed that if you do good works you go to heaven. Also, if someone decides to work on a Sunday you can stone them to death (Exodus 35:2). You can see why it caught on so big. People really responded to the ideas Jesus promoted, especially the stuff about befriending prostitutes and starting wars with Iraq. And so Christianity soon became the official religion of America. And that, boys and girls, is the story of why we celebrate Christmas.
So this year stop with the plunging yourself into massive credit card debt buying presents, drinking heavily, and contemplating suicide, and embrace the true spirit of Christmas by finding the nearest cheap syphilis ridden whore and telling her that you love her.
After all, it’s what Jesus did.
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A Running Diary of My Thoughts During the Transit Strike
While walking from home (96th & 1st) to work (44th & Broadway) - Day 1: Wow, this is great! What a fun invigorating way to start the day. Look at all the people out on the streets. I like people. They are nice. So is walking. I should really do this more often. Thank God for the strike or else I would never be having this wonderful experience!
While walking from work to home - Day 1: It’s a little colder than it was this morning but this is still nice I guess. Hey stop shoving me! Stupid people. Sometimes I really hate New Yorkers. I’m really hungry. This is kind of taking a while. Wow, my feet are starting to hurt…
While walking from home to work - Day 2: I have to do THIS again? And why does it have to be so fucking cold? Hey get out of my way fucking people! Geeze, I really hate people. Especially fucking decrepit old people. And kids. Oh man, kids are the slowest. Why whenever I’m in a hurry do I always get stuck behind a kid? I mean I know their legs are short and all, but geeze, I mean, come on already. People got places to be. Sorry you’re lazy and don’t do anything with your life except color and poop all day but some of us around here have places to be because WE are productive members of society. Oh my fucking god! How has it only been 10 blocks?!? I feel like I’ve been walking for like an hour! My feet are about ready to kill a bitch.
While walking from work to home – Day 2: Are you fucking kidding me? I have to walk all that way AGAIN?!? I am seriously going to find the MTA and STAB THEM IN THE FACE WITH A SPEAR. This is absolutely ridiculous. Look at all these goddamn people too! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY YOU IDIOT!! Oh man, in about 5 more blocks my body is gong to literally collapse. Fuck this shit. TAXI!!!!!
While walking from home to work – Day 3: (Shoots self in face)
The End
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Top 3 & 1/2 Celebrity Christmas Present Suggestions of the Week
1.) Beyonce – Shit from Wal Mart
2.) P Diddy and Ginuwine featuring Loon and Mario Winans – A girl part 2
3.) Skee Lo – A rabbit in a hat with a bat. Or a girl who looks good so that then he can call her. Or growth pills.
3 & 1/2.) Mariah Carey – You
Thought of the Week: In closing Id just like to say that with all that’s going on in the city and in the world its nice to know that this time of year there is something that brings us all a little closer and makes us feel warmer towards our fellow man. That each year t this time there is something to remind us what is truly important in life - family, friends, and a glass shattering falsetto. I’m talking of course about Mariah Carey's Christmas album. Because while it may be impossible to come to a universal consensus about anything else these days, I think we can all agree that Mariah Carey's Christmas album is the greatest Christmas album of all time. And that hereby concludes the only positive thing I will ever say about Mariah Carey in my life. I would now usually proceed to make a Mariah Carey joke here but I’m currently saving them all for the Grammys. Just you wait…
(Also although this is only tangentially related to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, does anyone know who the hell Parson Brown is? Or why someone would think Christmas time was the correct season of the year to tell scary ghost stories? I mean tales of old glories of Christmases long, long ago I can understand, but scary ghost stories? Who does that at Christmas time?)
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