More Lists Mostly About Music

When its time to phone a column in that can only mean one thing: Its time for More Lists Mostly About Music

Top 3 & 1/2 Misleading Rap Names:
1.) Dr. Dre - Not really a Doctor
2.) Lil’ John - Not really that little
3.) Usher - Not really an usher
3 & 1/2.) Dirt McGirt – Not actually dirt

Top 3 & 1/2 90’s Songs by One Hit Wonders Whose Names Start With “The”:
1.) “Bohemian Like You” – The Dandy Warhols
2.) “You Get What You Give” – The New Radicals
3.) “There She Goes” – The La’s
3 & 1/2.) “The Freshmen” – The Verve

Top 3 & 1/2 Good Occasions To Yell Out “Freebird!”:
1.) During a performance by the New York Philharmonic
2.) During a lull in a comedian’s set
3.) During sex
3 & 1/2.) At the pet store

Top 3 & 1/2 Signs You Have Too Much Music:
1.) You’ve begun looking into buying a third Ipod
2.) It takes greater than 3 minutes for your iTunes to finish loading
3.) You’ve seriously contemplated deleting Microsoft Office including Word from your computer in order to make room for more music
3 & 1/2.) People who have a lot of music see how much music you have and they say “damn, you’ve got a lot of music”

Top 3 & 1/2 Songs That Explain an Entire Artistic Output:
1.) “Silly Love Songs” – Paul McCartney
2.) “All About the Benjamins” – Puff Daddy
3.) “Sexuality” – Prince
3 & 1/2.) “I Suck Ass” – Gwen Stefani

Top 3 & 1/2 Alternate Titles for A History of Violence:
1.) A History of Violence Which I Will Inflict Upon Screenwriter Josh Olson
2.) A History of Improbability
3.) A History of Bad Acting
3 & 1/2.) A History of Giving Me Back My $10.75

Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix Tape:
1.) Dynamite Hack – "Boyz in the Hood" (maybe the greatest cover ever)
2.) British Sea Power – "Please Stand Up"
3.) The Arcade Fire – "Rebellion (Lies)"
3 & 1/2.) Loretta Lynn feat. Jack White – "Portland Oregon"

Top 3 & 1/2 Bono Lyrics I Can think of Off the Top of My Head:
1.) “I have run/I have crawled/ I have scaled these city walls/Only to be with you/And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” (one of the greatest lyrics of all time)
2.) “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”
3.) “The more you know the less you feel”
3 & 1/2.) “You gave me nothing now it’s all I got”

Top 3 & 1/2 Thought Recently Had While at the Movies:
1.) It should be a rule that any movie that features William Hurt (A History of Violence for example) and doesn’t mention this fact in its trailer should include a warning before you buy your ticket. To be blindsided by it in the opening credits after you already spent your $10.50 is unfair. Also, has there ever been a more aptly last-named person?
2.) The fact that I have yet to see the trailer for Brokeback Mountain without it eliciting lots of uncomfortable laughter from the audience doesn’t bode well for its chances in the rest of the country. But I think we already knew that.
3.) After having seen the trailer for Match Point one my favorite moments in theaters now is when at the end of the trailer it flashes the words “directed by Woody Allen” and people in the theater audibly gasp. Especially now that I know it’s coming, it’s almost worth the price of admission.
3 & 1/2.) Speaking of trailers, has a movie ever previously won Best Picture before its trailer was even released or will Munich be the first one? And does this mean that it’s the anti-Million Dollar Baby? And where exactly can I find a life?

Top 3 & 1/2 Things To Say To The People In Times Square Passing Out Fliers For Comedy Clubs When They Ask “Do You Like Stand Up Comedy?” That Might (MIGHT) Actually Get Them to Leave You Alone
1.) Do you like stand up anal fisting?
2.) My mom’s dead. Thanks a lot asshole.
3.) I don’t speak English.
3 & 1/2.) Stand up comedy?!? I LOVE stand up comedy!!! Thank you SOOO much for this flier. I will treasure it for the rest of my life. (hug them)

Top 3 & 1/2 Random Moments in Music That I Really Enjoy
1.) The moment when the vocals start on “Ice Ice Baby” and you know for sure that its not “Under Pressure”
2.) When John Lennon sings “I don’t believe in Beatles” in “God”
3.) When Frank Black yells “Then God is SEVEN!” in “Monkey Gone to Heaven”
3 & 1/2.) When Michael Jackson tells Paul McCartney, “Paul, I’m a lover not a fighter” in “The Girl is Mine” because really, did anyone think Michael Jackson WAS a fighter?



Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The NL Champion Houston Astros
2.) “My Father’s Gun” – Elton John (the best thing about Elizabethtown)
3.) Capote
3 & 1/2.) Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof

Thought of the Week: I need a haircut like a bitch needs a slap. Which is to say I REALLY need a haircut. And you don’t care.