* Props to the guy who invented the Caesar salad. I mean whoever this person was, all they did was take lettuce and put dressing on it. That’s like the least impressive achievement of all time. And yet it’s gone on to be the most popular “dish” of all time. Plus they are somehow magically delicious (and yes this is coming from the same person who has previously championed rice and water as great culinary achievements…). And if it was in fact Julius Caesar himself who invented it, then it’s the best thing he ever did. And keep in mind he did Cleopatra.
* Are the Geico motorcycle insurance commercials serious or are they joking? Because if they are joking, then the advertising agency for Geico is officially the greatest entity in the history of man. And if they are serious, then they really suck.
* The one question I’ve been dying to know is: Can you bird it? Can you do the bird?
(I’ve clearly been watching too much TV)
* Speaking of birds, my high school mascot was the falcon. Now surely your high school mascot was something different, but nevertheless I’m sure your high school had a cheer that went something like “Brrr, its cold in here, there must be some (insert your high school mascot here)s in the atmosphere”. How does that cheer make any sense? Why would the temperature of the gymnasium have anything to do with your school mascot being in the atmosphere? It’s almost as if the cheers in high school were created by a group of people who weren’t overly intelligent.
* Are we allowed to start commenting on the attractiveness of Hermoine from the Harry Potter movies yet, or do we have to wait a few more years? Because I have, umm, this friend who wants to know...
* As a connoisseur of Cheerios I must say that Yogurt Burst Cheerios are the best thing to happen to Cheerios since the invention of the letter O. They provide all of excitement of Fruit Burst Cheerios with none of the nutritional value. And yes I’m being completely serious.
* I think its time I came to terms with a fact about myself – I’m an anti-dentite
* When you stop and think about it, Sublime is perhaps the most apt band name ever.
Well, except for The Dave Matthews Band.
* I’m glad I’m not a girl because then I could never know the joy of growing a beard. There are few things more enjoyable then stroking one contemplatively. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) But then again I can never know the joy of pushing a child out of my vagina so I guess it evens out in the end…
* Maybe I’m turning into one of those old people who say, “How can you kids understand what those people are saying in the songs you listen to. It just sounds like gibberish to me” but after much scientific examination I SWEAR that this is the chorus to “Sugar, We’re Goin Down” - “We’re goin de da in a doodie da raou, and sugar we’re goin down swingin. I’ll be number one with a bullet, a lonely God complex, cock it and pull it.” And if that’s anywhere even in the neighborhood of being right then what the hell are they talking about? And seriously why does the dude in the video have antlers? Is this what the kids are into these days? Antlers?
* Speaking of song lyrics that make no sense what exactly does “I’ve got soul but I’m not a solider” mean? And can someone at some point please dedicate the song “Andy, You’re a Star” to me. I mean any song with that title that also contains the lyrics “you’re a star in nobody’s eyes but mine” and “hey, shut up” is clearly the most perfect song ever to dedicate to me. Can I somehow declare it my official theme song? And while we’re talking about The Killers, has anyone ever seen them and The Bravery in the same place at the same time? Can we verify that they are not actually the same band? And why do I take an inordinate amount of shots at a band that I actually really enjoy? And why can I not believe that its not butter?
* My one word review of The Colbert Report: “Why?”
* No disrespect intended, but is anyone else surprised by the runaway success of “Gold Digger” considering that “Heard ‘Em Say” and “Touch the Sky” are clearly the hit singles off that album?
(And if you think I wont have much more to say about Kanye in my already partially written year in review column them clearly you haven’t been reading through the contents of my hard drive.)
* Stock your fallout shelter – fact that Nick at Night is now airing The Jeff Foxworthy Show and the success of The Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha” are clearly signs that the apocalypse is nigh. And if its not, then it should be. Because clearly we deserve it. Seriously, that song is approaching Bill O’Reilly territory for me. And just for the record, Pussycat Dolls, the only thing I wish was different about my girlfriend is that she would own a handgun. So she could shoot you all in the face.
And I actually just made up that part about having a girlfriend.
But I think this journal kind of makes that self-evident.
* I have an announcement: I recently read a book. That might not seem like big deal, but it is for me. See I stopped reading books back in high school when I realized that I could not read the assigned books for class and still make better grades than the people who DID read the books. I guess you could say it was my form of rebellion. Some people got tattoos. Some people smoked cigarettes. Some people dyed their hair blue. I didn’t read books. But the other day I finished a book that had over three hundred pages in it. And let me tell you something; it felt pretty good. In fact I plan to do it again soon. I’ve always liked the IDEA of reading books, just not the actual action of it. Well now I can say that I enjoy them both.
And just a little advice to any aspiring future Mrs. Fredtheonlinejournals: I think there are few things sexier than a girl who reads. So let the competition begin.
Have I mentioned yet that I can name all of the presidents in order?
* Listening to Elliott Smith before noon is like drink scotch before noon. It’s a sign that you have a serious problem. Of course then again I’m the person who says listening to Elliott Smith period is a sign you have a serious problem.
(And I’ve now officially angered and alienated literally everyone I know. I would suggest though that you save your angry emails until 2008 when I announce I’m voting for John McCain.)
*Do girls really just want to have fun? Because I was under the impression that girls tell themselves they just want to have fun but really they are constitutionally incapable of just having fun because they are burdened with the inescapable need to immediately have a permanent committed relationship with their soul mate, or in lieu of their soul mate, whoever happens to be standing nearby. I guess that just wasn’t as catchy of a title though. And yes I do realize that my mailbox is now officially filled up with hate mail. And while we’re on the topic of Cyndi Lauper songs, why does she not get more credit? I mean her first two singles were “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Time After Time”. Have there ever been two more diametrically opposed singles in history? And they both came from the same artist. And they were the first two songs she ever released. How is this not talked about more?
* Have you stopped to actually look at the color of Mountain Dew recently? Is it just me or should human beings not be putting something that color into their bodies? I was always taught as a child to avoid drinking any glowing neon green liquids, but then again maybe I was taught wrong. And while we’re on the subject, what ever happened to Mountain Dew Code Red? I’m assuming it’s not being made anymore, but could we have been given some kind of warning that it was going to stop being produced? Everything seemed perfectly okay and then one day with no warning, it was just gone. Much like my last wife. This is not okay.
* I think that if I was on the highway to hell I wouldn’t really give a shit about obeying the traffic laws.
* You hear people often talk about how baseball is a metaphor for life. Or how chess is a metaphor for life. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it discussed though that the card game B.S. is a great metaphor for life. It should be though. Solitaire as well.
* Have all four major Oscar races ever been decided this early before? Im almost hoping Muinch is disappointing or that more than four people see TransAmerica just so things will get interesting. But then again I like Speilberg and Reese Witherspoon so it really doesnt matter. The real category we need to shake things up in is Best Actor. Joaquin Phoenix has an impossible name to spell and he seems like a socially maladjusted humorless weirdo. And not in a good way. So Im taking it upon myself to begin the Phillip Seymour Hoffman Best Actor counter-campaign as of this moment. Although its not like I really needed a reason...
(Have I mentioned yet ladies that I can name every Oscar winner since 1950?)
(Really, all I want for Christmas is a life.)
* Trying to choose my favorite Sarah Silverman joke is like trying to choose my favorite variety of Prego tomato sauce – its just not possible. But for today Ill have to go with this one: “I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”
* Last but not least, on a serious note, have a great Thanksgiving.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The West Wing Season 2 (Thoughts are forthcoming)
2.) Interpol – “Antics” (album)
3.) Sarah Silverman
3 & 1/2.) A new Dutchwest column from yours truly: http://dutchwest.tv/
Thought of the Week: Its been a few weeks since I saw Ben Folds at Radio City, but I think I can safely say hearing a sold out Radio City Music Hall in unison singing “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks, lick on these nuts and suck the dick” is one of the highlights of my life. And I think we really need to give more credit to the man responsible for the best ever cover of a rap song (“Bitches Ain’t Shit”), the best ever tribute song to a dead celebrity (“Late”), the best ever song about an artist’s own kid (“Still Fightin’ It”), the best ever song about abortion (“Brick”), and the best ever song about becoming a born again Christian after tripping on acid at a friend’s pool party (“Not the Same”).
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