Hooray for Television

As some of you may know, while in college I used to write regularly in this here online journal. This was back when people still called them online journals, so you’ll have to bear with me as I transition into the 21st Century. Anyway, I’ve decided to start updating it regularly again and what better way to kick it off than with a good ol’ fashioned awards show round up.

I was supposed to be boycotting this year’s Emmys over the lack of outrage that Amy Ryan wasn’t nominated for Best Guest Actress in a Comedy Series, but there are too many questions that need to be answered for me to stay away. For instance, can someone who is waiting to start watching Mad Men until after the current season comes out on DVD watch an entire Emmycast without being exposed to any spoilers? Will this be the year people finally confess that they too think Alec Baldwin is overrated? What will Ricky Gervais do to further win America’s heart? Is Tina Fey the greatest person since Jesus? Will someone shoot Anna Paquin in the face? Answers to all these questions (hopefully) await at the 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards.

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-I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks, but the moment is finally at hand: “A tired boring old show that nobody cares about – next on CBS!”
(Just to be clear, I’m talking about the Emmys)

-Speaking of CBS, you know what’s hip with the kids these days? Musical numbers.
First the Oscars, now the Emmys. I wonder if the Grammys will follow suit….

-Shows that were not featured in the “Year in Comedy” montage: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Eastbound & Down, Flight of the Conchords, Party Down, Better of Ted. Apparently they didn’t happen this year, even though one of them is nominated for Best Comedy Series.

-Aaron Sorkin used to date Kristen Chenoweth. This just needs to be said.
(On a related note, how small does one have to be to technically qualify as a “little person”?)

-Sarah Silverman’s mustache FTW.
(Note: I really just wanted an excuse to finally use the phrase FTW only two years after it became cool to do so. Now if only someone could explain to me what the hell a LOLCat is.)

-So apparently Tony Shaloub still exists. Who knew?

-HAHAHAHA oh my God, you’ll have to excuse me because I’m just laughing so hard at that Two and a Half Men clip. HAHAHA you see, HAHAHA Charlie Sheen is like this HAHAHA oh, hold on, hold on, I can do this….he’s HAHA a ladies’ man HAHAHA and he’s in charge of raising HAHAHAHA oh my god – in charge of raising a KID! LOLOLOLOLOL!! OMG that shit KILLS ME! It’s just too funny.

-Ummm, Jon Cryer just won an award...yeah, so that happened.

-Wow, a person playing a character with multiple personalities just won an acting award. I did not see that coming.

-Wow, the girls from Gossip Girl aren’t funny and can’t read. I did not see that coming.

-Wow, I really can’t come up with a way to keep this joke structure going. I did not see that coming.
(Actually, I totally did)

Phrases that would have sounded implausibly absurd 10 years ago:
-President Barack Obama
-Two time Emmy Winner Justin Timberlake
-Academy Award Winner Mo’Nique (oh just you wait…)

-Holy shit, what a year for death. That might have been the most star-studded dead people montage of all time. Death really did some phenomenal/terrible work this year.

(And just in case you were wondering, yes, we do live in a world where Patrick Swayze gets more applause than Walter Cronkite. And that’s the way it is.)

-You know what show I would watch? Tracy Morgan standing in front of a live open mike for 30 minutes. Tell me you wouldn’t watch that shit and be on the edge of your seat for every second of it.

-Wait, the three nominees for Breakthrough Performance of the Year are a scene from True Blood, a kiss on Gossip Girl and Kris Allen winning American Idol? Those are the three finalists? For the whole year? Who narrowed it down to those three options? Oh…random people who voted on the Internet? Remind me and my blog again why we take the opinions of random people on the Internet seriously.

-On the flip side, the thing from the Internet (Dr. Horrible) was the best part of the show. O Internet, why must I have such a conflicted relationship with you?

-You know what awards shows don’t have near enough of? Awards for Jon Stewart. Seriously, if the American Music Awards gave awards to Jon Stewart I would totally watch them.

-Between Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, Will Farrell doing George Bush, Tina Fay doing Sarah Palin, and Obama doing Obama I was already writing that the variety show montage was a leftist’s wet dream and then they had to go and end it with Barbara Streisand blowing kisses to Sean Penn at The Kennedy Center.
I think I just came a little.
Free federally funded gay marriage abortions for everyone!

-Hey it’s Ben Schwartz! Winning an Emmy! It took a lot for me to root against “Motherlover” but Ben just made it worth it by drastically raising the bar in the Most Successful Person I know competition. So congrats on that. (The Emmy is nice too I guess.)

-You know what I like best about Dancing with the Stars (well, besides none of it) – the dancing when there are no stars involved.

Reasons Jon Stewart is God
-He let one of his writers give the acceptance speech for the writing award even though he himself is technically the head writer
-From hosting the Oscars he knows how hard it is to be an awards show host, so he devoted a good chunk of his limited speech time to giving Neil Patrick Harris support and encouragement
-He kept the rest of his speech short, funny and heartfelt

-Hey you know how you think it’s an outrage that no one watched The Wire back when it was on? And how the thought of its comically low ratings makes your heart hurt in all the sad places? And how you feel very strongly that if humanity can’t support a show like The Wire then maybe we should just give up as a species and pray that in our absence something better and more deserving will evolve to take our place? Well you can’t think any of that if you didn’t watch David Simon’s Generation Kill. It was challenging, complex, complicated, and often tedious and confusing. It was also probably the best meditation and examination of modern warfare since Apocalypse Now. And it just lost the Emmy for Best Miniseries to someone or something called “Little Dorrit”

-And the award for most terrifying awards show acceptance speech ever goes to…Michael Emmerson! I’m unsure whether he was thanking his agents or threatening to murder them. I’m also unsure if what he does on Lost can be categorized as “acting”.

-Remember the days when people used the terms “nerd” and “geek” like they were bad things? On some level I think we might have swung too far on the other direction. I guess what I’m trying to say is, every now and then I need a good wedgie. We all do, dammit.

-It’s ironic that Jon Hamm is never going to win an Emmy solely because of the exactly one other drama series on his own network.

-30 Rock had a wildly uneven year and Alec Baldwin was even more overrated than usual. The Office had its best season ever and Steve Carell did some of the best non-Gervais work ever on a comedy series. So naturally 30 Rock and Alec Baldwin won again.

-And in a category I know nothing about and have no opinion on, Glen Close once again beats Holly Hunter, Zoey Bartlett, and the monster that ate Kyra Sedgwick.

-Finally, with all the Kanye jokes being tossed around, I think its worth stating that I’m starting to think Kanye/Swift might have been an inside job. I mean think about it, other than that incident it would have been an incident and controversy free VMAs. Would MTV really allow that to happen? And they learned from the Bruno/Eminem stunt that if it leaks out that it was staged then no one cares anymore. So with the Kanye thing you don’t need to rehearse it, it doesn’t take much to pull off, and everyone wins. Taylor Swift wins because it gets her in the headlines and massive amounts of sympathy. Beyonce wins because she looks like a hero. And MTV obviously wins big time. Hell, even Jay Leno wins if you want to take it that far. The question is what does Kanye get out of it? Well a rapper who releases an album of strange songs about pain and heartbreak that feature him signing in auto-tune is clearly someone who doesn’t really care what others think. He’s been trying to cultivate a rep for a while now as an eccentric genius. And in a world where people on reality shows actively try to be as unlikable and hateful as possible we certainly live in a “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” world. I mean there’s not a person alive now who doesn’t know who Kanye West is. And you’re telling me when he releases a new album with some super catchy radio-friendly jams people won’t go out and buy it? I think maybe he didn’t realize how strong the vitriol against him would be, but I don’t think it’s out of the question that Kanye would have agreed to the stunt if MTV promised him massive promotion when his next album comes out. I’m not necessarily saying the whole thing was staged, but I am saying if it turned out that it was an inside job I wouldn’t be remotely surprised. Then again I had a dream last night that Toby Keith interrupted Jordin Sparks’ acceptance speech at the People’s Choice Awards so maybe I’ve been thinking about this whole thing way too much and maybe I’m turning into a crazy person. So it’s probably best to just disregard everything I’ve said.

I Hate Entertainment

You know what I don’t want when I turn on fake awards shows that are known for being edgy and controversial? I don’t want anything edgy or controversial to happen. I especially don’t want anyone to be rude or discourteous to anyone else. I wouldn’t want anyone like say Chris Rock or Sarah Silverman or Russell Brand for example, to say or do anything disparaging about anyone else in attendance. Because I hate when people are “rude” to others. Everyone should be nice and civil above all else. Those are the qualities we all look for in our entertainment. That’s why no one likes Eminem or buys his music. Because he’s so rude. I mean thank God he has never said anything mildly disparaging at any point about any teenage female pop singers because then I would really be outraged and rant to boycott him. Because we all know that teenage girls are weak helpless creatures who cant possibly be expected to react well when someone interrupts them while they are speaking. They can sell out Madison Square Garden sure. Or headline a worldwide concert tour. But handle being interrupted and disparaged? No way! How Taylor Swift didn’t just curl up into the fetal position and start crying I’ll never know. Because she’s like a precious piece of very fragile glass. All teenage girls are. We shouldn’t expect anything else from them. I mentioned she’s a teenage girl right? So we should pity her and always be nice to her no matter what. I mean all she did was chose to show up to the VMAs. Its not like she signed up to be a part of some edgy and often uncivil event. Its not like she decided to come to a place where people have ever starting fighting in the audience or interrupted each other’s acceptance speeches before. And when you have Kanye West at an event as civil and classy as the VMAs how could she ever predict he would do something like what he did? It was shocking really. And you know who would never do anything like that? Beyonce. Because she is nice, or classy, or some other adjective that is in no way a polite way of saying “bland personality-less cipher”. She would never use her words or actions to entertain us in some spontaneous way that wasn’t choreographed and rehearsed and test marketed to within an inch of its life. She would never speak her mind to say that a video that was a cultural phenomenon and an iconic work deserved to beat a completely average and conventional video that no one even knew existed. Beyonce wouldn’t care about the right artistic works being properly recognized and she certainly wouldn’t advocate for her friend. Because she is a nice person. And thank God for that.

But you know who is not a nice person and would totally do all those things? Kanye West. And I really wish he hadn’t done them because then no one would be talking about him and certainly no one would be talking about an otherwise boring and meaningless awards show. Hey remember all those VMAs when no one did anything scandalous or tacky? Yeah neither do I. And that’s how I like it. So shame on you Kanye for keeping us from that. I really wish I could have heard all of Taylor’s boring, unentertaining reading of a list of names for an award that doesn’t mean anything and that no one cares about. Way to ruin a perfectly boring moment Kanye! I think we all as a nation agree that we wish as an entertainer you would stop doing things that are so entertaining. That’s not what being an entertainer is about after all. It’s about being nice at all times.

When it comes to entertainers, I only like the ones who seem like nice people who I can sit down and have a beer with. That’s how I decide whom to vote for in elections too. Not the best candidate, but the one that seems the nicest. And so it is with entertainers. I don’t like the ones who entertain me; I only like the ones who seem like nice, uninteresting people. Complex, controversial figures are really of no interest to me. In fact I hate them. Besides Kanye other celebrities I don’t like include anyone who has ever have cheated on their spouse, neglected their kids, broken the law, endangered the lives of others, or treated those around them terribly. Because those things are also not nice. And so I am equally as outraged by all of those activities as I am by Kanye West interrupting a speech at an awards show. Remember how I always tweet about my outrage whenever any of those other things happen? So while I am rightly angered by Kanye’s behavior, all of you heartless people who like being entertained by your entertainers, you can just save your outrage and indignation for something more important that you feel actually matters.

Like the Emmys.

A Fan's Dilemma

The release of a new Third Eye Blind album a few weeks back has presented a major problem for me. See I’m a Third Eye Blind. And not in a nostalgic ironic way. I like their new stuff. I subscribe to their newsletter and visit at least three different websites related to their music on a semi-regular basis. I have every song they’ve ever recorded plus enough bootlegs and live recordings to fill three CDs. So yeah, I’m a FAN. So why is this a problem? Because, well, because they’re Third Eye Blind.

Look, as I’ve said here previously I don’t really believe in guilty pleasures. If something gives you pleasure then why should you feel guilty about it? I still believe this strongly. And I know I really shouldnt care what others think. And about most things I dont. But if you were to ask me to name my favorite bands I can pretty much guarantee you that Third Eye Blind would never come up.

And that’s a problem. I think.

Quentin Tarantino got me thinking about this problem right around when the new Third Eye Blind album came out. He did an interview in which he named his favorite movies from the past 17 years and it’s a stunningly strange list that includes things like Anything Else, Unbreakable, and Speed. When you’re Quentin Tarantino you can do things like that. In fact it’s pretty much expected. But if he were an up and coming director who hadn’t made Pulp Fiction and was trying to be taken seriously in the film industry would he be as willing to argue in defense of Anything Else? Would that make his facebook page? I don’t know. Maybe he wouldnt care, but I do. I do care what infomation is out there about me. Because you know what happens when I meet someone new? I friend them on facebook and then I make judgments and assumptions about them based on the things they’ve chosen to list on their facebook page. And I’m not alone in this. We all do to some degree. Because in the facebook age our like and dislikes are more than just that; they’re cultural signifiers.

And that brings me back to Third Eye Blind. I always mention to strangers my love for the Beatles. Not only  are they truly my favorite band, but they also have the added benefit of being completely safe and universally beloved. Loving the Beatles makes me look good without saying too much else. And once I know you better I’ll talk to you about U2. They’re obviously a much more divisive band, but what they are about is such a strong signifier of what I am about, that my love for them says a lot about where I am coming from in the world. It's significant to understanding me as a person to know that I’m a U2 fan. But Third Eye Blind will probably never ever come up. Not because I’m necessarily embarrassed by it or because I feel guilty about it, but because I know how it looks from the outside. What they signify to the outside world. It would seem to me the equivalent of someone saying to me that they were big fans of Smashmouth. And I know what I would think about that person. And I don’t want people to think those things about me. Because what Third Eye Blind fandom seems to signify in popular culture is not what I am about. My Third Eye Blind fandom doesn’t signify accurately who I am. I am not “Third Eye Blind Fan”. I mean, yes, technically I am, but saying that just obfuscates the message. I can pick all the members of TV on the Radio out of a lineup no sweat, I’ve would describe Dan Deacon as the best concert going experience of my life, and I love the new Dirty Projectors album. And all of these things would seem to be equally as important and unimportant to understanding who I am as a person as the Third Eye Blind thing. But yet the Third Eye Blind “thing” is the signifier that most people would latch onto. Because it’s the ways that we’re different from the norm of those around us that are of interest to those trying to get a handle on us. Liking Star Wars doesn’t really say much about you, other than that you’re alive and possibly male. But NOT liking Star Wars, or never having seen Star Wars, would seem to say a great deal about you. And it would say things that you might not want said if, say, you were looking to meet a bunch of sci-fi inclined movie-loving males.

And so when I meet cultured, intelligent, hip young New Yorkers I mention The Beatles and Radiohead and Stevie Wonder. And then later I’ll mention U2 and Kanye West. But much like how I say my favorite movies are Annie Hall and Almost Famous, while knowing deep down that if I had to chose one movie to take with me to a deserted island it would be Primary Colors, the truth is that I haven’t listened to anything other than the new Third Eye Blind album in the past three weeks.

That’s who I am.

And also it’s not.

I just can’t decide.

Rejected Lyrics

Rejected Lyrics For Taylor Swift’s Love Song Before She Decided On “You Were Romeo, I Was A Scarlet Letter”

• You were Jay Gatsby, I was a red hunting hat
• You were Huck Finn, I was the blood on Lady Macbeth’s hands
• You were Guy Montag, I was a streetcar named desire
• You were Gilgamesh, I was a red-armed prole woman
• You were the Ministry of Truth, I was an allegory for the actions of the House Un-American Activities Committee
• You were Tess of the D’Urbervilles, I was a profound sense of boredom

Lyrics Avril Lavinge Rejected In Favor Of “I'm the Motherfuckin Princess”

• I’m the ass-kickin porcelain doll
• Bitch, I’m the debutant
• I’m the goddamn bunny rabbit

Rejected Follow Ups To “Birthday Sex”

• Valentines Day Fellatio
• Christmas Handjob
• St. Patrick’s Day Dry Humping
• Veterans Day Heavy Petting
• Arbor Day Hug
• Administrative Professionals Day Orgy

Names Rejected by Lady Gaga

• Princess Gaga
• Dutchess of Gaga
• Queen Gaga II
• 3rd Earl of Gaga
• Sovereign of the Distinguished Order of Gaga
• Kajagoogoo

Lyrics 3OH!3 Reluctantly Rejected That Were Only Marginally More Offensive Than “Shush girl, shut your lips / Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips”

• I’m a German, you’re a Jew / Time to party like its ‘42
• Is this another Nine Eleven? / Or have I died and gone to heaven?
• Let’s have an orgy with Jesus / Cuz I know he can please us / Orally that is

Why A 59-Year-Old Man Losing A Golf Tournament Is What Sports Are All About

As someone surrounded by artistic types, I frequently have to defend my love and passion for sports. And in defending my love for sports I often find myself trying to explain why they are important and why they matters. And sure there are plenty of reasons, both big and small why I’m a sports fan and why I think following sports is a legitimately good and worthwhile way to spend ones time, but one of the best arguments I can make was illustrated today by Tom Watson’s loss at the British Open.

For those who don’t know, The British Open is one of golf’s four major championships – like the Super Bowl, only there happened to be four each year. The legacy of a golfer is defined by how he plays in the majors. And major championships are events that are watched by the whole world. Well heading into the final hole of the British Open today an American named Tom Watson was in the lead. This might not seem significant until I mention the fact that Tom Watson is 59 years old. Yes, that’s right, 59. Many of his competitors hadn’t even been born yet when he won his first British Open. He had been a great player in his day, but he had been forgotten about, written off, and basically left for dead. And in a sports world where 40 is considered ancient, 59 is practically corpse-like. If he were to win this tournament he would become the oldest champion in any sport in American sports history by over 12 years. It would be almost beyond historic. Words really can’t do it justice.

So as Tom Watson strolled up the fairway of his final hole to thunderous applause it was one of the most beautiful and moving moments Id ever seen on a TV screen. I saw all the old men in the crowd, who seemed so hopeful and full of life and suddenly not so old after all. I thought of my Dad at home with his bad knees and bad back and chronically sore feet watching this man only a few months younger than himself about to win one of the toughest and most fiercely competitive sporting events in the world. I watched in awe as Tom Watson made his way to his ball, and as the power and beauty of the moment began to engulf me, my eyes started to well up with tears. All he had to do was make this simple 8-foot putt and the championship would be his. History would be made. It would be a moment I would one day tell my kids about.

And then he missed the putt. And he missed it badly.

And that’s why I love sports.

We spend so much of our free time consuming scripted entertainments of all types- movies, TV shows, plays, etc. – and yet no one ever really questions the validity of these “arts”. Their value seems clear – they provide entertainment and hopefully say something about life and the human condition. But when I was waiting for Tom Watson to make his putt today I was pacing around the room, palms sweaty, heart beating out of my chest and I couldn’t remember the last thing I watched that entertained and engaged me on such a strongly visceral level – well besides other sporting events. And more crucially, in almost any movie he makes that putt. But he didn’t. Because that’s how sports work. Sometimes the good guys lose. Sometimes the bad guys win. Sometimes beautiful moments fall apart in an instant and in other moments the mundane becomes sublime. Sports are often boring and almost always disappointing in the end. But then sometimes things happen that are so wonderful and incredible that they would be impossible to make up no matter how hard you tried. And there’s often no rhyme or reason for any it. All this sound like anything you know? It should, because its life. Life as it actually is, and not life as scripted “art” would have it be. It’s the reality that reality TV can only hope to be. But it never can because anything that is in any way scripted or controlled will always have a level of remove from real life. Whenever you’re watching a movie you know in the back of your mind that no matter how bad things get the hero won’t die, the boy won’t lose the girl, the world won’t end. And even if those things do happen, it’s okay - it’s not real. You have the safety of artificiality to guard you.

But if you want to experience entertainment without that safety net, entertainment where there is real heartbreak and real disappointment, real joy and real ecstasy, well I've got something for you.

Its called sports.

And it’s awesome.

Open Letter to the Academy

Dear Motion Picture Academy,

So I hear that you’ve decided to expand the number of Best Picture nominees from 5 to 10.

On the one hand, it’s awesome that now Pixar has a guaranteed Best Picture slot every year. And maybe some of the foreign movies that are ineligible for Best Foreign Language Film due to the ridiculous foreign film rules will get some love.

On the other hand, everyone seems to be acting like it’s a great thing that now more popular films might be nominated. First of all, isn’t making a ton of money reward enough for popcorn films? And why is populism always treated like it’s such a great thing? All this really means is that now there’s even less motivation to make smart, challenging, interesting films for intelligent adults. The prestige of a possible Best Picture nomination was a key factor in getting many movies of that ilk greenlit, but now that studios can possibly get that same thing with some pandering popcorn films, why take a chance on an art house movie that might only make $5? Hasn’t the video game/comic book/sci-fi crowd taken over enough of pop culture already? Can’t I please just still keep my Oscars? Or are we now officially a nation of 12-year old boys? And sure, maybe more people will watch the telecast now, but who cares? Since when has bending to the will of the American public ever been proven to be a good thing? And also, if this means that any of those so-called "unimportant awards" will be bumped from the telecast...well I don’t even want to contemplate the length of the rant that that would inspire.

Look I realize I care too much (okay, WAAAY too much) about the Oscars, but we're all geeks about something. (Otherwise we wouldn’t be spending so much time on the internet.) And I'm just asking you to not mess anymore with the one thing in pop culture that I truly love. Thanks.

Yours truly,
fredtheonlnejournal

My Week With Morrie

Thursday: random acts of vandalism
Friday: strip joint
Saturday: hookers
Sunday: arson
Monday: freebasing heroin
Tuesday: life lessons and spiritual uplift
Wednesday: death

Thoughts Had While Listening To The Radio III

There are few things better than a day job that forces you to listen to a constant heady brew of Z100, kids songs, and other people’s iPod playlists, as it provides you much fodder for humorous (or not) thoughts and observations about music and a chance to do another installment of the feature that was the impetus for starting this blog.

(As always, thanks to Eryck Tait for his contributions.)

-I think a better song lyric than “put your hands up like you just don’t care” would be “put your hands up like you care very passionately about this song”. I just don’t understand why so many musicians are so pro-apathy.

-Okay, if you don’t understand a single word that somebody says and yet you have no qualms about drinking that person’s wine, then you’re just a dick. Even if that "person" might happen to be a bullfrog.

-Consider the fact that 1999 will for today kids always be a song about the past. Crazy huh?

-If Billy Joel is right and when you love someone you’re always insecure, then I guess I love everyone in the world.

-“I’m like a performer, the dance floor is my stage”? Um, Britney, I’m not sure you understand exactly how a simile works…

-Speaking of Britney…
I think it’s still a little ambiguous. Am I or am I not a womanizer? You really need to be more clear on that.

-Dear lead pussycat doll,
I’m a little confused by you using the words “hot” and “like me” in the same sentence. I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?

-Really though, who does give a fuck about an oxford comma?

-So that Chris Brown song No Air really takes on new resonance now does it?
(Too soon?)

-Seriously, why does the black one gotta be Scary Spice?

-You really haven’t lived until you’ve listened to edited versions of Nelly songs with 5-year olds.

-Like all right thinking people, I hate I Kissed A Girl. But my main complain with it isn’t that it’s too risqué, it’s that it’s too conservative. Seriously what world are you living in where your boyfriend would mind that you kissed another girl? The only thing he would be mad about is that it wasn’t videotaped. And “that’s not what good girls do, that’s not how they should behave”? What year is this, 1872? I guarantee you there’s not a girl alive over the age of 22 who hasn’t kissed another girl. That’s exactly what good girls do. It’s called sophomore year of college. What’s Katy Perry’s follow up single – I Crammed For My Mid-Terms?

-If Cruela De Vil doesn’t scare you no evil thing will? That might be overstating Cruella de Vil’s scariness somewhat. For example I would argue that Nazi Vampires would be scarier than Cruella de Vil, but maybe that’s just me.

-Finally here’s a fun activity for you. You know how you hate Bon Jovi’s You Want To Make A Memory so much that it makes you want to douse yourself with gasoline and light yourself on fire? Well no more! Because next time you hear it, listen to it as though it were written about Richie Sambora. Imagine that’s it’s secretly Jon Bon Jovi’s song for his lover, Richie Sambora, and it becomes maybe the greatest song ever written. If while listening to it in this context you don’t find Richie’s backing vocals to be the very definition of unintentional comedy then I really don’t know what to tell you. So really, give the song a listen with this thought in mind. You can thank me later.

My Reply To A Pro-McCain Letter From Someone Close To Me

Dear (McCain Supporter),

You raise some really good points here and you’ve clearly thought this over thoroughly. I know that you have an open mind about these things and are willing to look at all sides. I certainly agree with you, that don’t know if Barack can deliver what he promises any more than I know that John McCain can deliver what he promises. If history has told us anything, the answer is “probably not”. Although Scott McClellan Bush’s former press secretary and someone who has been there and seen what it takes to be president first hand said in his endorsement of Obama that he “has the best chance for changing the way Washington works and getting things done”, its perfectly understandable and probably a little wise to be skeptical and cynical. You would be naïve not to be. I completely agree that Obama won’t be able to deliver exactly what he promises. And I say that as someone with his poster on my wall. But the real problems we will face, the crises that will arise, and the events that will transpire that will define the next four to eight years are likely things we have no inkling of now. In 2000 voters were asked to list the issues that were most important to them. Defense/national security came in 10th. That of course went on to be the driving issue of the entire Bush presidency. In 2004 there were no questions that I remember asked about how either candidate would respond to a natural disaster or what they would do if the financial market collapsed. Yet those are the events, along with the war, that will define Bush’s second term in the history books. We have no way of knowing yet what will happen in the next four years, what challenges will define this presidency. We do know a few things though.

We know that when the bailout crisis hit McCain famously suspended his campaign to head back to Washington right away (of course only after appearing on the CBS News that night, having a fundraiser dinner at the ritzy 21 Club in New York, speaking at a conference the next day, and then arriving in Washington AFTER Obama who had managed to both keep his campaign going and go to Washington). Once McCain arrived in Washington a deal that had seemed imminent immediately collapsed. Both Obama and McCain attended a meeting at the White House with President Bush. Obama dominated the conversation asking specific direct questions to a number of different people present and engaging in a vigorous back and forth. McCain didn’t say a single word until 43 minutes into the meeting and even then his comments were by all accounts minimal at best. Even though McCain had vowed to stay in Washington until the crisis was solved, he then left Washington with the crisis far further from being solved than it was when he arrived. Of course after he left, a deal soon came together and even though McCain called the deal a “disgrace” and even though he had vowed not to sign it if it was loaded with pork (which it was) he signed it anyway. In the major crisis of this campaign season did McCain demonstrate the leadership that this country needs? Did he show an understanding of and an ability to solve our financial crisis?

And as it continues to change and evolve who do you think has the better judgment to handle our complex financial crisis – someone who finished 894th out of 899 in their class in college and has said in the past year “the issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should” or someone who held the most prestigious position possible while at Harvard Law School (President of the Harvard Law Review) has written complex papers on economic theory and counts amount their advisers and supporters Michael Bloomberg, George Soros, and Warren Buffet?

Now, I hear that McCain understands the military better than Obama. But what is understanding the military? Is sign of understanding the military receiving the endorsement and personal guidance of Colin Powell, Wesley Clark and over 70 recently retired generals and admirals, or is a sign of understanding the military when people from your own party say things about you like “the thought of John McCain being commander and chief sends a cold chill down my spine” as Sen. Thad Cocharn did or “his temper would place this country at risk in international affairs, and the world perhaps in danger. In my mind, it should disqualify him” as former Sen. Bob Smith of New Hampshire said? Is understanding the military pushing for the country to enter an unnecessary war in Iraq and then claiming that in that war we will be “greeted as liberators”? Or is it opposing that war and saying from day one that it will be a quagmire that will be near impossible to control? For someone that understands the military so well McCain sure showed bad judgment in the run-up to the major military conflict of our time. Even Richard Clarke, Bush’s first counterterrorism czar, said, “the fact of the matter is McCain’s judgment about what to do in Iraqi was wrong. We’re at risk because of the mistaken judgment of people like John McCain.”

And if Obama would leave Iraq in a state of mass genocide as you say, then why do President Bush, General Petraus and the Iraqi President all support Obama’s plan for a withdrawal timetable?

And while we’re at it, what exactly is this change McCain has affected?
One example will suffice.

You say McCain is able to resist influence. If this is true then why in his running mate selection process after state GOP chairs said they would withhold funding and members of his campaign staff threatened to quit unless he changed his mind on choosing his personal favorite pick Joe Lieberman, did he do just that, and instead choose the exact person Karl Rove told him to pick even though he had only briefly met her once?
And if he is able to resist influence and his entire image has been built around standing up to lobbyists, why does he now employ 170 of them in his campaign?

You say McCain has a lot of character, but what is character? Is character leaving your wife after she suffered a deforming injury in a terrible car crash for a rich much younger woman you picked up at a bar while you’re still married, or is character sticking with your family through good times and bad? Is character continuing to run robocalls, calls McCain himself described as “hate calls” in 2000, even after numerous members of your own party have pleaded with you to stop saying the calls are “disgraceful” and “beneath your dignity”. Is character running a campaign that even Karl Rove (Karl Rove!) says has “gone too far” and whose ads he says “fail the truth test”? I always thought character was having integrity and principles. And if that’s what character is tell me how this story displays character - In 2000 after the South Carolina primary in which Tucker Eskew spread the stories about McCain’s wife’s pain killer addiction and tried to insinuate that he had fathered an illegitimate black child, McCain said “there’s a special place in hell for Tucker Eskew”. But who did McCain hire this time around as one of the senior officials of his campaign? That’s right – Tucker Eskew. Is that the “lot of character” you were referring to?

Look it’s a shame really. I used to love McCain. Back in 2004 I even claimed that I was going to vote for him in 2008 if the Democrats nominated Hillary. There’s proof of this online somewhere. But I can’t vote for McCain for the same reason I’ll never vote for Hillary – because he sold out everything he believed in just to be president.

In 2000 he called Jerry Fallwell an “agent of intolerance” and then in 2007 he went to speak at his college. He made a career out of opposing torture, for obvious reasons, but now he is in favor of it. He was famously risked his political future by being one of two Republicans to vote against Bush’s tax cuts and now supporting them is one of the key elements of his campaign. In March he told the Wall Street Journal “I’m always for less regulation” but told the same paper in September “We’re going to enact and enforce reforms and regulations to make sure these outrages never happen in the first place”. On September 16 he said “I do not believe the American tax payer should be on the hook for AIG” and then on September 18th he voted to bailout AIG. During the campaign he has also repeatedly renounced the McCain-Feingold Act and the McCain-Kennedy bill two of his signature achievements during his time in Washington. Two things he felt strongly enough about to not only write, but to put his name on. He’s also completely changed his stance since declaring his run for President about offshore drilling, the estate tax, storing nuclear waste, the GI Bill, hunting down terrorists in Pakistan, teaching intelligent design, funding No Child Left Behind, and immigration. It’s a shame the McCain I used to love isn’t still around because then this election would have been interesting

But in the end it doesn’t matter, because this election isn’t about McCain. And it isn’t even about Obama. It’s about a transformational moment in American history. Just like Kennedy and Reagan before him Obama is more than one man - he is the face of an entire political moment, a new chapter in American life. After living through eight years of an administration that promoted fear, mistrust and divisiveness, we now have the chance to be behind someone that promotes hope, inspiration, inclusiveness, and the best qualities that America has to offer. This is our chance to define our generation and to change the world. Will it work? I don’t know. But I do know one thing - you are planning to actively oppose it with your vote because you don’t “trust” it and you aren’t “convinced”. And that’s your right as a voter. And I understand. Change is never easy and great progress never comes without great risk. But safe and comfortable candidates only get you safe and comfortable results. Extraordinary times such as these call for extraordinary people. And extraordinary people are never going to seem safe. Barack is admittedly a risk. Sometimes though, as you well know, you just have to base your decisions on faith. And I can’t convince you of my faith any more than you can convince me of yours. I can’t know that Barack Obama wont be the worst president in history any more than you can know there is a God. Sometimes though in the absence of proof one way or the other you have to do the hard thing - you just have to have believe. And I believe Barack can be a transformative figure in American life. I believe he can bring people together. I believe he can make the world a better place. And I believe because I’ve seen it.

Two days after Hurricane Ike I was at the park here in Astoria. It was full of people of all ages and races and types. Now a while back I, like everyone I know, had donated money to Barack, so periodically I would get texts from his campaign about various events and such. Well this day, laying out in the park I suddenly began to hear phones go off all around me. It was like a symphony of phones. Bizarre and very surreal to say the least. And then sure enough I felt my phone vibrate as well. I looked down and it was a message from Barack. It said that if I would like to donate $5 to help hurricane relief all I had to do was text “yes” back to a certain number. I did and I had donated $5 for a good cause just as simple as that. I looked around the park and saw a sea of people all texting away on their phones doing the exact same thing. And I realized that scenes like that were happening all across the country at that exact moment. This story wasn’t mentioned anywhere in the media and I never once heard Barack bring it up. I have no idea how much money was raised that day and it doesn’t even matter. Because what I got to see that day was the best of America. Each of us doing our own little part to help our fellow man. I got to see our potential as a people and the better angels of our nature. That is what you can be a part of. That can be the legacy of our generation. You can make that happen. You can choose to doubt, or you can choose to believe. I can’t make that choice for you but what I can say is this - when I pull that lever on November 4th that will be the proudest moment of my life so far. That night when the results are announced I can guarantee you that every person I am with will openly weep tears of joy. There will literally be dancing in the streets. And there will be hope and joy and pride like we’ve never known before. These things are guaranteed to happen because of Barack. And I love you and care about you and I want all those things for you. I want you to be a part of history with me. It’s not too late.

Sex and the City: The 1998 Pitch Meeting

As all of the attention of the world this weekend focuses on the second coming…of the “groundbreaking” social phenomenon that is Sex and the City I thought it would be interesting to read the recently discovered transcripts of the pitch meeting for the show.

HBO Headquarters 1998
Darren Star: I’ve got a great idea for a groundbreaking new female driven show! It’ll be about a modern 30-something single woman and her friends trying to balance career and relationships in the big city.

Chris Albrecht: So like The Mary Tyler Moore Show?

DS: But more about the women as a group

CA: So like Designing Women?

DS: But more about dating and relationships. And the main character writes a column about her experiences as a single woman in the city

CA: So like Suddenly Susan?

DS: But we’ll deal with other issues occasionally too, like pregnancy and cancer and stuff

CA: So like Murphy Brown?

DS: No…

CA: The Golden Girls, Kate & Allie, Felicity, Cybill, Ally McBeal, Friends…

DS: No, no, no…there’s going to be nudity and explicit language and stuff…its gonna be groundbreaking okay, don’t argue with me on this. Just take it as fact because I say so. Its gonna feature women in a whole new light. Like they’ve never been seen before - as catty materialistic socialites obsessed with men and fashion.

CA: Umm that sounds horribly offensive. And that’s actually the very stereotype usually pushed by the media that the modern woman has had to fight against for years.

DS: But I’m gonna get around that problem by calling this new show “post-feminist”.

CA: So you’re going to use the characters on the show as a way to deconstruct feminism and help define what it means in today’s world?

DS: Okay, I have no idea what any of those words are you just used, but I have a good feeling there wont be any of that as this show is gonna be a comedy.

CA: Oh that’s great! Who doesn’t love to laugh?

DS: Well its not gonna be a comedy in the sense that it has jokes and elicits laughter, but it’ll be a comedy in the sense that its not a drama and there will be wacky music.

CA: But the characters will still be written as nuanced and complex people and not just broad archetypes right?

DS: Whoa, with all the big words again! This is a show aimed at women. We can’t be challenging them like that. We just need to treat them how Hollywood always treats them - by pandering to them with clichés, cheap sentimentality, and bright shiny pretty things.

CA: That might be the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard, but I guess as long as this thing is well written…

DS: Oh it will be, cuz who better to write about a woman’s experience than a gay man?

CA: Umm, a woman?

DS: Yeah but other than that?

CA: No one

DS: Oh you shush. Soon there will be a whole generation of women aspiring to be clichéd versions of gay men and it’ll be fabulous. They’ll love high fashion, cosmos and meaningless sex with a multitude of partners. On the show, one of the characters in particular will be known for using her blatant love of sex to reclaim her sense of sexuality from the confines placed on it by a male driven society…

CA: Now that character sounds really interesting if done well. Who are you planning on getting to play her?

DS: The woman who agreed to star in Porkys

CA: (Bangs his head against desk) Frankly this show sounds beneath her. Plus she can’t act. Like not even a little bit. This pitch keeps getting worse by the minute. I am pretty desperate for a hit show though…Okay, I'll buy it. But on one condition: At some point one of the women needs to say something to the effect of, “How does it happen that four smart women can talk about nothing but boyfriends? What about us? What we think, we feel, we know? Christ! Does it always have to be about them?”

DS: (Sigh) Okay. But only if the very next scene features them shopping

CA: (Picks up hammer hits himself repeatedly in the face) Sure. Whatever. Sold.

Who Wants to be Played Out?

Dear Judd Apatow,

I have a story for you.

When “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” premiered in the summer of 1999, as you may recall, it got huge ratings and was a national phenomenon. Everyone loved it. I mean how could you not like it? It was trivia, money and Regis Philbin? That’s like not liking puppies, rainbows and Chipotle burritos. One of the things that made it such a beloved phenomenon though was its schedule. It was aired for several consecutive nights and then went away to be unheard from for a while, until it would magically appear again for a week or so and then once again disappear. This cycle repeated until January of 2000 when ABC added it to the schedule full time as a several night a week show. Even as a teenager at the time I remember thinking, “that doesn’t seem like a very smart idea.” And sure enough, as almost anyone with even a half a brain could have predicted, within a year what once had been the most popular show on television was off the air altogether. Ever since then whenever someone or something so clearly oversaturates the marketplace in such a clearly detrimental manner I call it “pulling a Millionaire”. Now you could of course simply call it “too much of a good thing”, but I think “pulling a Millionaire” is something slightly different. When someone is “pulling a Millionaire” its quite clear to people outside the situation what’s bound to happen, but yet due to greed, hubris, or just plain shortsightedness, the entities involved seem quite oblivious to what they are doing. Like how as a 16 year old I could clearly see that airing Millionaire three nights a week every week would kill the series, but highly paid executives whose jobs it was to understand the television medium could somehow think this was a good idea. Oftentimes though, when you’re so “inside” a phenomenon like that it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. And that’s why I have a message today for you: STOP!

Stop putting your name on every piece of crap anyone you have ever met is even remotely involved with. Stop having seven movies with your name on them coming out in a year and a half. And stop being such a lenient judge of quality. You’re devaluing your brand and oversaturating the marketplace. Do you know nothing about human nature? Let me fill you in on two fundamental truths:

1.) Backlashes are inevitable
2.) What goes up must come down (I believe Newton said something similar)

And now with the Internet those things are infinitely more true.
So please I’m begging you, for your own good, cut it out.

Look, Freaks and Geeks is one of the greatest shows of all time and Undeclared is pretty great too, but you know what one of the main reasons they’re so great is? They only lasted one season. You told the stories you wanted to tell and then got out before anyone had a chance to get sick of them. Plus since they were never overly popular no one felt the need to try and knock them down a level.

(As a side note, I firmly believe that no TV show should be allowed to last more than two seasons unless each episode is entirely 100% self contained - Seinfeld, Law & Order, etc. - or the creators can make a convincing case from day one as to why it should last longer – Lost. This will never happen because the networks are too greedy, but name one series that doesn’t meet one of those two criteria that wouldn’t have been better served by only lasting two seasons. You can’t do it. I will argue this to the death. And you don’t have to take my words for it. Ask Dave Chappelle and/or the BBC if you don’t believe me. (As a second side note, this is why I’m never investing myself in a David Chase series ever again. But that’s a whole other rant…))

Now on one level I completely get it. You were a dorky unattractive guy your whole life and now you're rich, popular and everyone loves you. It goes to your head and you want more of it. I understand. But, there are few things more self-destructive than a dorky guy who starts getting too popular. The examples of this phenomenon are endless. And that’s why it’s even more important for someone to save you from yourself. And so I’m taking that job on myself.

I firmly believe you’re a good guy with good things to say. You have an increadable gift for mixing humor with heart without sacrificing one for the other. You make mainstream comedies and yet are a critics darling. And I vehemently stand by the statement that Knocked Up was the Graduate of our generation. But you’re already starting to piss it all away. Your box office is declining. The backlash is beginning. The charges that you’re latently misogynistic are starting to gain real traction. And your first movie came out only two and half years ago, yet people are already able to write things like this. (Which is funny because it’s painfully true. Much like your comedy itself)

So take a lesson from Paul Thomas Anderson, Daniel Day-Lewis, Radiohead and many others. Don’t just pump out product because you want to get your friends jobs. Only put your name on something when you really truly believe in it. And limit how much that is. That way the name “Judd Apatow” still stands for something and has value. And for the love of all things holy, give Linda Cardellini another role already. The fact that you haven’t already is a real disgrace.

Follow all this advice and there's hope for your empire yet. Otherwise prepare to join the Greeks, the Romans, the British, the Americans, and the John Hughesians in the annals of ex-empires.

And THAT is my final answer.

Sincerely,

FredtheOnlineJournal

Death of a Salesman

My junior year of college Eliot Spitzer was that year's commencement speaker. At the time I had only a vague idea of who he was, but his speech was so inspiring, so intelligent, and delivered with such passion and humanity, that I declared then and there that I would vote for him in all future elections he was involved in. (Its worth noting that I had the exact opposite reaction to the speech given by my year’s commencement speaker, Hillary Clinton.) After going home and finding out more about Spitzer and his accomplishments I felt even more firm in my beliefs that this man was a bright shining hope in the world of politics. I thought, between Spitzer and Obama, the Democratic Party would be an unstoppable force for the next 10-20 years. When his brilliant and inspiring gubernatorial campaign commercials started airing I spent a considerable amount of time trying to design an Obama-Spitzer ’12 logo. Well now one half of my theoretical dream ticket is about to be forced to resign in a scandal that, frankly, even I can’t defend. This wasn’t a witch-hunt and this wasn’t the media making something out of nothing. Spitzer did the very thing he built his reputation crusading against - he broke the law. And it hurts.

My mom, who's a staunch Republican, sent me a taunting email after the story broke saying “now you should think twice about Obama”. And I have to say, that thought has crossed my mind today. In one week Hillary got me to start losing hope in the idea of hope and now Spitzer has me questioning the very existence of genuine goodness. So all in all, not a great week. Existentially speaking.

I know in this day and age I really shouldn’t be so surprised. Maybe I was being too naïve and idealistic. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so attached, so emotionally invested in something that was ultimately always going to leave disappointed in some way. And maybe I should stop talking about Eliot Spitzer like we were dating. But that’s how much this hurts.

I feel like such a fool now for getting involved in the first place. For buying what he was selling. I feel played and used and a little dirty. But it’s not just the betrayal. And its not just now and forever losing the moral high ground (although that REALLY stings). Its that something I loved and was passionate about and that brought me joy and happiness is over, forever, and there’s nothing that can ever happen to make it right again. Thats the worst part.

And now sadly next time I wont be so trusting, I wont be so invested, I wont throw myself into things so wholeheartedly and with such abandon. And I hate that. I hate having my cynicism justified. And I hate that the fact that Eliot Spitzer hired a prostitute has me hating the world. For those who say politics doesn’t matter, I say I envy you, I really do. But for those of us who still don’t know better, and foolishly think that one person can change the world, this feels like when Ralphie found out that Annie’s secret messages were really just ads for Ovaltine. Only 500 times worse.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go eat a pint of ice cream and listen to depressing music.
And maybe pour out a 40 on the curb for idealism.
That’s just how I roll.

The Sound of Settling

After Eminem lost to Steely Dan for Album of the Year I swore I would never watch the Grammys again. It was one of those defining moments of young adulthood where you realize life isn’t fair and existence is meaningless. To recognize this fact I went out the next day and bought an Eminem shirt and wore it to school. "Life showed me its purely random and meaningless nature and all I got was this lousy shirt", is, in retrospect, what I was trying to say. But at the time I believe my thinking went something more like “Eminem is God, fuck the Grammys”

And so I really shouldn’t be here eight years later cursing out the Grammys for fucking up their awards. And yet I am.
I just can’t leave well enough alone.

They say the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result. By this definition (or by any definition really) watching the Grammys is insane. And yet I do it. I could say I watch for the performances, which are often really great and memorable. And this statement would be true. But it wouldn’t be the whole truth. Because deep down I also watch because I do legitimately care who wins. Now, yes, the Grammys are not relevant in any serious way. Yes, their choices are notoriously out of step and laugh inducing. But they also have gotten it right a fair amount of times (Sgt. Pepper, Songs in the Key of Life, Rumours, Thriller, Joshua Tree, etc.). And in fact if you really get down to it, they’ve probably gotten it right as many times as the Oscars have. And ever since they reformed the nominating process in 1995, the nominees have been pretty solid too. And that’s what makes it so frustrating. Every year it seems like “this is the year they’ll get it right”. And every year I end the night swearing drunken profanities at my TV.

But I keep hanging on because what the Grammys claim to be about is what I am all about:

When art and commerce join without sacrificing one for the other. When everyone, young and old, black and white, rich and poor, can agree that this thing, this piece of art is indisputaby the best. When something is simultanously the best and the most popular. The Beatles, The Godfather, The Sopranos, Tiger Woods. This is what all of humanity strives for. This is where I aim to live my life. This is why I care about the Grammys.

Also, I’m addicted to awards shows.

And so my Grammy thoughts begin:

* My one wish is to hear T-Pain accept an award so I can hear him speak in his real voice. I feel like hearing T-Pain speak without his vocoder would be as disconcerting as hearing Hugh Laurie speak without his American accent.

* If I never hear "Before He Cheats" again for the rest of my natural life I will be more than okay with that. And by the way Carrie, before you go tearing up peoples cars maybe you better look in the mirror. Because I think if I was dating a girl with your level of jealousy and anger issues I might cheat on her too. And don’t take my word for it. Ask Tony Romo.

* Has an incredibly attractive person ever looked worse than Rihanna did during that “performance” of "Umbrella"? And while we’re on the subject, can someone explain to my what’s so good about "Umbrella"? I mean it won Pazz and Jop for Gods sake. What am I missing here? I find it mildly tolerable at best. Someone really needs to help me to understand this.

* Okay on a scale of 1 to 10 how threatened do you think Beyonce is by Jay-Z and Rihanna? I’m guessing at least a 13. All I gotta say is don’t do it Jay. Listen to that Carrie Underwood song before you do anything rash.

* How does a TV show prominantly featuring Beyonce not come with a viewer discretion advised warning? I mean what’s more harmful to America’s youth – violence and nudity or Beyonce?

*It’s really disheartening to see Beyonce doing Revlon ads isn't it? So sad to see her sell out like that.

* Okay folks, not to be the asshole here, but its really not necessary to give Stevie Wonder a STANDING ovation. I’m just saying…

*Say what you will about the Grammys but any organization that gives an award to both Barrack Obama and Flight of the Conchords in the same night cant be all bad.

* A meeting I would have like to have been at:
Executive #1: Okay so who do you think the best people would be to present the award for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration?
Executive #2: How about Taylor Swift and that dude Juanes who barely speaks English
Executive #1: Perfect!

*Hey did you know Akon was once a con? Yes, a real life convict. So when it was time to chose a moniker it was either 'Akon" or "Areallyshittyrapper". True story.

* Okay if you’re not standing for the Beatles tribute then you don’t deserve to be there. That might have been the best thing to ever air on CBS. Speaking of which…

*Holy shit! Cirque du Soleil performing to "Day in the Life" on CBS! Middle America just got very confused. What’s next DAFT PUNK?

* Holy shit! It's Daft Punk!! Live on CBS!!! Hurry up kids, get in the fallout shelter, the apocalypse is nigh!

*Ah, George Lopez introducing Brad Paisley. That’s more like it. You can come out now kids….

* Alicia Keys and John Mayer together! If I was black or a woman I would have just came right now.
(I just realized I don’t know the proper conjugation rules for the verb “cum”. I know F. Scott Fitzgerald used to have the same problem.)

* Speaking of my black girlfriend Alicia Keys…
Top 3 Reasons to Listen to the Radio
1.) “No One” - Alicia Keys
2.) “Love Song” – Sara Bareilles
3.) “The Pretender” – Foo Fighters

Top 3 Reasons Not to Listen to the Radio
1.) A loss of faith in all humanity
2.) The soul crushing sound of utter ineptitude
3.) Fergie

* Shockingly, SHOCKINGLY, Will.I.Am’s performance was painfully awful. I didn’t see that one coming.

* You know who I trust with my retirement savings? The crazy dude from Blue Velvet that’s who.

(I wish I could go back to 1969 and tell audiences coming out of Easy Rider that one day Dennis Hopper would be doing ads for a large financial corporation. The 60s would have ended right then and there)

* Wow Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman are in a movie together. That would be huge if only it were still 2003. Alas, it is not.

* I wonder how they cast the finger for the iPhone commercials. Is it the same finger for all the ads? Is someone the official finger of iPhone? And what was that audition like exactly? Were they looking for someone from Julliard?

*Kanye is the MAN. I cannot possibly make that word bold enough. You know what we were talking about earlier about being both the best and the most popular. Watch this video and youll see what I mean. Looks like that time spent hanging out with Bono is really paying off.

(As good as that was, his acceptance speech moments later was even better)

*Speaking of acceptance speeches...

Id never heard her talk before but wow shes really British isnt she?

*Now I know there are those who will make jokes about her performance or her speech or her general state of semi-coherence, but I found the whole thing strongly moving in a way I cant quite articulate. I mean you gotta be rooting for her, even more so after last night. I make jokes about literally everything, but even I dont feel right touching this one.
(I will say though that I've watched that clip at least five times now and every time "ray RAY" cracks me up.)

* Okay so before I go I have to address the Herbie Hancock fiasco. Yes my jaw did literally drop. Without exaggeration it took about 30 seconds to even register what had just happened. That is what shock feels like. And that is also what pounding the last nail in coffin of relevancy feels like. Congratulations Grammys. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. I think that undoubtedly goes down in the annals of Grammy lore along with Milli Vanilli, Christopher Cross, and Tony Bennett MTV Unplugged. You also ended my string of outrageously premature yet accurate Grammy predictions. In the past I predicted Speakerboxxx/Love Below would win Album of the Year and that Future Sex/Love Sounds would be nominated for Album of the Year months before either album was even released. This year I said Amy Winehouse would narrowly beat Kanye for Album of the Year back in March. Well to get my self back on track here’s my prediction for next year. The song Kanye does about his mother’s death will not only be his best song ever but it will be the first hip-hop song to win Record of the Year. And 4th time will be the charm, as he’ll finally win Album of the Year. And while we’re making predictions, Heath Ledger will also be nominated for Best Supporting Actor for The Dark Knight. Take it to the bank, and remember you heard it here first.

On Demand

I have a new favorite day of the week.

It’s Monday.

Sure Friday starts the weekend. And Sunday is the Lords Day or whatever. And Wednesday is referred to as Hump Day, which is always fun to say. But Monday trumps them all. I know this is a controversial position to take, but allow me to explain:

Monday is the day the HBO changes their On Demand offerings.

Wow, that was actually a rather short explanation.

Now you may think that HBO changing their On Demand offerings hardly qualifies as the highlight of a week. That it hardly is worth looking forward to the way one would look forward to Christmas. That one should not lose sleep the night before because they are too giddy with anticipation. But then clearly you do not have HBO on Demand.

Now on the other side, there are perhaps some of you who have advanced beyond HBO On Demand and moved onto the orgiastic ecstasy filled utopia that surely is TiVo or DVR. For those lucky few of you I must say that I envy you with every fiber of my being. I might soon join your ranks if only I can find a way to afford to pay for food and also DVR for you see I am a poor starving artist who despises any form of work which thus means I will forever be trapped in my current financial plight. Plus I do have serious concerns that if I ever got DVR I would never leave my house. For real. So as my life stands now, my only on demand experience with TV is HBO On Demand. And it has forever changed my life.

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Many of you have probably been complaining loudly to your friends and family recently about how I never write anymore. Well I have a very good excuse: I’ve been watching TV.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past few years you’ve probably heard the argument that we are currently living in the golden age of TV. People always lament the fact that music, and movies and the world in general aren’t as good as they used to be. That we missed out on all the best stuff, and that art today isn’t what it used to be. And that my be all well and good, but what they are neglecting to mention is that television today is better than its ever been. People in the future will look back on TV of the '00s the same way they look back on movies of the '70s or music of the '60s. This is because finally, after fifty years, TV’s potential as an artistic medium is for the first time being fully realized.

Quick: name the first great TV drama from before 1990. One that you have actually seen and marveled at and that holds up today. Can’t think of any? That’s because they didn’t really exist. TV was the home of great comedies, not great dramas. Now I’m sure they made good dramas before the '90s, but for they didn’t make great transcendent ones. And they didn’t make ones that stand the test of time. Comedy ran TV not drama; and the dramas that did exist were intended as mass entertainment and not “art”. Because TV was an entertainment medium not an artistic one. But in the past ten years TV has rapidly shed its long held reputation as an artistic ghetto, a place where second rate actors and directors worked because they couldn’t crack the movie business. Sometime in the not so distant past, as the line dividing TV and movies began to blur and artists were able to cross between the two with greater ease, great minds begin to see the medium's true storytelling potential. The ability to tell drawn out complicated stories filled with tons of characters and that could unfold slowly over weeks, months, and even years. You could do things, tell stories, create emotional connections with characters that you could never do in a two to three hour movie. Creative people finally realizing and taking advantage of the potential of television as a dramatic storytelling medium has allowed TV to stop being seen as the redhead stepchild to movies and, in many ways, become equal to movies, if not superior.

I read an interview the other day with Jason Lee in which he claimed he didn’t watch TV and it made him sound like an ignorant backwater ingrate who needed to get with the times. People didn’t have those kinds of reactions to non-TV watchers even five years ago. But as some guy might have said at one time or another, the times they are a’changin. A-list actors now turn down movie work for TV work. Quentin Tarantino directs episodes of CSI. David Mamet writes The Unit. And most of the biggest stars in the world regularly appear on TV shows or even attempt to star in or produce their own. The divide between TV and film is disappearing to the point of insignificance.

People are lamenting the death of the sitcom and to some degree it has “died’ because TV is now shooting for art and not entertainment. It’s being used as a storytelling medium and not a diversion. TV is now ruled by drama. As is TNT apparently. Many of the “comedies” (Entourage, Desperate Housewives, Weeds, ect.) today are ostensibly dramas with some levity mixed in. Reality TV now plays that role that sitcoms used to. And for cheaper. And even it has complex storylines to follow and a huge cast of characters to keep up with. And sure you can still “veg out” in front of the TV, but more and more television is something that requires intense thought and commitment. And, as has been well documented, HBO has played a huge role in all this.

I remember when The Sopranos came out years ago and the press went on and on about how the freedom from having to break for commercials and the ability to say and do whatever you wanted allowed for a rich, realistic quality of storytelling that TV had never been able to achieve before. And that episodes of The Sopranos each had the quality of hour-long films. The popularity of The Sopranos and other HBO programs then led to an explosion of other cable networks creating their own original programming and soon the competition was so fierce that the broadcast networks realized that they couldn’t just put on the same old crap anymore and expect people to watch it. They had to improve the quality of their shows if they wanted people to watch because now people had options. The reason TV has been so good throughout so much of our lifetime is that, as they say in business, increased competition leads to increased quality for the consumer. And now as a consumer, there’s so much quantity that its easy to find some really great quality. There’s so much great TV on today that is impossible to keep up with it all. Luckily TV on DVD has helped with that problem. But even better than that is TV on Demand. I’ve been paying for HBO on Demand for almost two years now but it wasn’t until about six months ago that I realized I even had it. At first I didn’t use it much, but then slowly Entourage become my gateway drug of sorts and now my life literally revolves around it. I’ll watch anything they put on Demand. I swear if they put a show called Watching Paint Dry on demand I would probably give it a shot. And it has interfered with my regular TV watching now too. I now get angry when watching non-On Demand shows that I can’t fast forward or rewind them. And if I have to sit through that Nick Lachey Clix Body Shots commercial one more time I will seriously kill someone. And it seems completely unreasonable to expect me to watch shows only at the time and date that they are aired. I mean who do they think I am? Someone with no life who can just plan his schedule around what time certain shows air?
That question was intended to be rhetorical.
Anyway, as someone who has now become an official TV addict I thought it was time to share with you some thoughts on the shows I waste my life with. Most are on HBO but some are on regular old TV. And it’s worth noting that some of the shows I mention as being On Demand are no longer there. I made some of these notes like a month ago, but it’s too hard to tear myself away from TV to actually write. If you’d like to hear from me more, find me a day job where I can sit at a desk with a computer. In the meantime you’ll have to deal with thoughts about shows you probably didn’t see and now can never see. Nothing like reading pretentious drivel about stuff you’ve never heard of before. Well except for reading reviews on Pitchfork. And yes that was just a convoluted excuse to take a dig at Pitchfork. But seriously though, Pitchfork sucks.

Entourage:
-Unfortunately they just took the most recent season of Entourage off demand and replaced it with the first four episodes of the series. If you’ve never seen the show before I would recommend not using the first four episodes as your introduction to it. They aren’t very good, compared with the most recent season and they might potentially sour you on the series as a whole. Plus Entourage is really not a show you need to start watching from the beginning to appreciate or understand. And I say that as someone who is insanely anal about not coming in on TV series midstream. But I came into Entourage halfway through Season 2 and was able to appreciate it just fine. If you have the intelligence of a mildly retarded chimp you should be able to pick up on the characters, basic premise and all the major storylines just from watching any random 5 minute segment of any random episode. So if you’re new to the show just wait until they switch up the On Demand offerings and give some more recent episodes. But for those of you who DO watch Entourage:

-I buy Vince being a huge Ramones fan about as much as I buy him as a believable human being. Or as much as I buy that he would actually be friends with “E”. Which is to say I don’t buy it at all.

-If I told you that if Martin Landau doesn’t get nominated for an Emmy next year that I will personally go the Emmy Headquarters and just start opening fire, would that be something that you would be interested in?

(As a side note if you have never seen Martin Landau in Ed Wood do yourself a favor and rent it tonight. One of the most well deserved Oscars of all time.)

-You know you might watch way too much Entourage when your first reaction upon seeing Matt Dillon interviewed is, “hey that guy looks just like Johnny Drama”.

-HBO seems to really specialize in great shows with terrible acting.

-And on that subject, yes I am conflicted about the fact that I love Entourage and yet it is basically the male Sex and the City and that I loath Sex and the City with every fiber of my being and think that it is the cause of all that is wrong with the world. It’s hard to reconcile or even understand this hypocrisy within myself. It’s actually hard to understand why I like Entourage in the first place. Its two leads are probably two of the worst actors ever on TV. In fact, everyone except Turtle, Drama, and, of course, Ari, are dreadful actors. I mean where do they find the god awful actors for the bit parts for that show? The BA program at Marymount? (Oh, stop with the hate mail, I kid because I love.) In addition, the show is shallow and not that well done. And, I don’t know if I mentioned this, but it’s the male Sex and The City. And yet I know that the first thing I did after coming back from New Hampshire, before even unpacking, was to watch the new episodes I had missed of Entourage. What can I say; this past season they really perfected the whole cliffhanger at the end of every episode thing. And the writing was actually really strong too. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself to help myself sleep at night.

-Has anyone ever been more valuable to a show than Jeremy Piven is to Entourage? I don’t think Martin Short is as integral to the success of Martin Short: Fame Becomes Me as Jeremy Piven is to Entourage. Without him the show is literally unwatchable, but with him, it’s must see TV. I know I’ve said it before but it bears repeating. No one has ever deserved an award more than Jeremy Piven deserved his Emmy.

-Whether it’s TV on the Radio or Queens of the Stone Age, Entourage always has the most kick ass music to end the show. It’s like the testosterone version of Greys Anatomy. It’s becoming to new music today what The O.C. was to new music four years ago. And even though its not new, might I suggest “Begging You” by The Stone Roses as closing credit music on an episode next season? You can thank me later.

-Seth Green’s posse is/was like my favorite thing ever. Thought that was worth mentioning.

Real Time With Bill Maher:
I don’t think its possible to be more conflicted about someone than I am about Bill Maher. I think he’s a smug, misogynistic, unlikable prick who is to the left what Fox News is to the right. He’s an extremist who is not actually that smart or well informed but don’t you dare try and argue with him. And yet I love his show. I think it's great. It’s some of the best political discourse on TV and it's always informative and entertaining to watch. I think my feelings are best encapsulated by this: I finished reading an interview with him in Rolling Stone recently and I thought "wow, I really hate that guy", and then immediately sat down and watched two episodes of his show back to back.

-Why do we consider unreasonable yelling extremists on the right to be wacko evil nut jobs, but unreasonable yelling extremists on the left to be brave geniuses who "tell it like it is"? Something to think about.

-If you want to see Bill get put in his place and also watch a lesson for how to be an effective conservative guest on his show then watch the episode with Christopher Hitchens. After seeing it, Hitchens is my new favorite person. I even found myself siding with him against Bill at times. He made some great points which, although I may disagree with, I still respect and think are valid. It’s what political discourse should be like. But instead Hitchens got booed mercilessly and wound up walking out of the show at the end. Of course that might have something to do with the fact he flicked the audience off, but still.

-On the opposite end of the spectrum on the “how to be a conservative guest on the show” is Sandy Rios. Watching her and Bradley Whitford shout over each other was just painful. And she came off like an insane wacko. Which she is. But that’s beside the point. The point is, two people shouting over each other for 30 minutes is not good TV.

-I think the way to solve a lot of this would be if they would remove the studio audience. I think the same thing applies to The Daily Show. I feel very strongly that the quality of both shows would improve if there wasn’t a highly biased audience there to applaud every remotely liberal comment and boo every remotely conservative comment. It makes it hard to have a real conversation about anything because the conservative guest feels uncomfortable and on the defensive the whole time and the liberal host is given a heightened sense of superiority.

-New rule: don’t cut to the shots of the panelists laughing during New Rules. They’re always fake over-laughing. It’s like going to a comedy club with Tom Cruise.

The Comeback:
-Has there ever been a good show that was less enjoyable to watch? I mean if you thought the British Office was painful to watch at times, that show makes The Comeback look like, I dunno, something unpainful to watch. The level of embarrassment you feel for Valerie is just off the charts. No wonder the show only lasted one season. I can’t believe it even lasted five episodes. Who would possibly want to watch a show where the likable main character is so constantly embarrassed and humiliated in such a painfully honest way? Unlike David Brent, Valerie was such a good person and so likeable that I would often find myself having to fast forward through almost entire episodes because they were too hard to watch. But yet I kept watching episode after episode. I guess I just like pain. That’s should have been their slogan. “The Comeback: The show for masochists”. I kept coming back though because it is a really great show. Lisa Kudrow did an absolutely outstanding job. And it gave some great and brutally honest insight into the acting world. I just don’t know who at HBO ever thought this would find an audience. It definitely has to be one of the least commercially viable shows ever to be put on the air. But props to HBO for doing so.

Lucky Louie:
-I know everyone in America and in the television criticism industry piled on this show and said it was the worst thing since Homeboys in Outer Space or whatever, but I really don’t see what the big deal was. Sure the acting was dreadful. Sure Louie C.K. made Jerry Seinfeld look like Laurence Olivier and Jerry Minor made Adrian Grenier look like Marlon Brando. And sure there was always the sense that the show wasn’t living up to its potential. And sure it was rarely laugh out loud funny. But I liked what they were trying to do. And there were some really smart moments. The characters were just regular folks like you almost never see on TV, and their problems were incredibly honest and true to life. It was like Seinfeld in the way as it dealt with flawed characters and the minutia of life, but only the minutia of life for a lower class working family instead of rich New Yorkers. And some of the episodes, like "Flowers for Kim", dealt with relationships as honestly as anything I’ve ever seen. But ultimately none of this really matters because it’s canceled and chances are you never saw it. And despite all its virtues it’s not really worth renting or seeking out. So just forget we ever had this conversation.

When the Levees Broke:
-As someone who has seen more than my fair share of documentaries I think I can safely say that this is the best and most important documentary of all time. It’s a big statement I know, but I don’t know what else to say about it. After seeing it, it only deepens my belief that Katrina is as big and important a tragedy as 9/11 and yet was not, and has not ever, been treated as such. Just watch this movie please. You’ll be glad you did.

Dane Cook: Vicious Circle:
-Watching Dane Cook is like stepping into some alternate universe.
See I barely know who Dane Cook is. If I fell on Dane Cook in the street I wouldn’t recognize him or care. I mean last I had heard of Dane Cook he was the fourth guy mentioned in the ads for Dave Attell’s Insomniac tour. And then I watch his stand up special and there’s like 10,000 people going insane over his every non-funny utterance. Its like theyre in some cult or something. They even have their own hand sign. It’s like some crazy world where Dane Cook is the most popular and talented man in existence. I mean he was getting a standing ovation after every line! And, here’s the key part, none of the lines were remotely funny. Who are all these people who like Dane Cook? Where did they come from? How did they get here? How, why and when did he get so popular? And for the love of God could someone please explain to me how anyone in their right mind could find him funny? With so much great standup out there how does this guy get two HBO shows in three months? I feel like I would be angry about this if I could at all comprehend it.

(By the way, if through some freak accident you have never seen Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now, it’s currently available on HBO On Demand. I cannot urge you strongly enough to watch it. Other than Bigger and Blacker it is definitely the stand up special I quote most often. I would do the whole thing for you myself but Ellen’s delivery is like 60% of the humor. So watch it. Now.)

Wait ‘Til Next Year:
-This is the Cubs documentary that’s currently available and I encourage you to check it out. It’s really great, and that’s coming from someone who thinks the Cubs are the Antichrist. But seriously, if you’re anything like me you’ll cry (during the end of the ’84 collapse segment), you’ll laugh (at the old blind guy at the end because he’s probably going to die without ever seeing the Cubs win the World Series) and you’ll realize that you’re probably going straight to hell. I just have two other things to say on the matter: 1.) They kind of rushed over the ’03 saga which was one of the best memories of my life. 2.) While watching the documentary you may start to feel sorry for Cubs fans and that’s okay. It’s only human. But just don’t forget, there’s a reason the Cubs haven’t won in 98 years and that’s because the Cubs don’t deserve to win because they are a terrible team and their fans are terrible people. And yes I do take baseball a little too seriously, but we all already knew that didn’t we?

Three non-HBO shows:
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip:
- We can all agree to just call it simply Studio 60 now right?

- If you thought I wouldn’t have some comments about Studio 60 then you must have never met me. So here they are: I think it’s a great show. I really enjoy it. But it’s no West Wing. At least not yet. I don’t even know if it’s Sports Night, but that’s slightly unfair because this is the only Sorkin show I’ve ever had to wait a week for new episodes of. Not being able to watch the whole season on DVD in 3 days makes it feel harder to get into. Still though a late night TV show doesn’t have the same gravitas as the fate of the free world. And while we’re at it a late night TV show somehow doesn’t seem to have the gravitas as a cable sports program. Speaking of which…

-So it seems that complaining about the quality of the show within the show on Studio 60 has replaced complaining that Sam’s Town is no Born to Run as the new hipster pop culture complaint du jour. And I have to say I agree. Although I don’t know how much the poor quality of the show within the show actually bothers me and how much I’ve just been influenced to think that it bothers me. But nevertheless it is a problem. The show within the show on Sports Night was what a sports show in an ideal fantasy world would be like. The president on The West Wing was what the president in an ideal fantasy world would be like. The show within the show on Studio 60 is what a sketch comedy show on a third rate CBS would be like. And that’s a problem. But not as big a problem as…

-Amanda Peet, I have seen Allison Janney, and you my friend are no Allison Janney. Nor are you Felicity Huffman. Hell, you’re not even NiCole Robinson. In fact, you may be the worst actor to ever appear on a Sorkin show. And remember, Dule Hill was on The West Wing. If Studio 60 has a fatal flaw, Amanda Peet is definitely it. I just honestly can’t figure out how she got cast. I mean how could the man who wrote and perfectly cast six of the greatest female TV roles of all time (C.J. Cregg, Donna Moss, Ainsley Hayes, Dana Whitaker, Natalie Hurley, and, especially, Amy Gardner) possibly make such a huge mistake. On the bright side I can now do at least one really good celebrity impersonation. And so can you. Ill teach you how. Open your eyes wide, give the slightest of smiles humanly possible, and stare completely blankly ahead into space no matter what happens. There, you’re doing a spot on Amanda Peet! Congrats!

- If there was ever a network show that should probably be on HBO instead, Studio 60 is it. I’m already worried about its ratings. I’ve never gotten attached to a show that got canceled before, but really how in the hell does NBC think this is going to find a mass audience? The lighting alone should alienate like 3/4th of America. Does this show take place in the dark ages or something? And no I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.

-One of the strengths of Sorkin shows is how good all of the characters are. Every person on screen is somehow interesting and unique. On Studio 60 so far we have two outstanding hall of fame characters, one decent if slightly one dimensional character, and one good character with nothing to do. Everyone else kind of seems a bit like dead weight. And as outstanding as Bradley Whitford and Mathew Perry are, the show really suffers when they’re not on the screen. And I don’t know if the charisma and chemistry of two characters is enough to carry an entire show, especially one with a cast this size. Hopefully they’ll give Timothy Busfeld or Nate Cordry more to do soon. Or bring in Joshua Malina.

-After having Felicity Huffman in the pilot I’m praying they’ll bring in more people from previous Sorkin shows. Its not like they have a shortage of actors to choose from in that regard. I feel like if/when Janel Moloney ever pops up I might just wet myself. Wait, did I just admit to that out loud?

-And since it seems like I’ve been doing a lot of hating I do have to balance that out by saying that Mathew Perry is fucking FANtastic. He’s the Jeremy Piven of Studio 60. To take nothing away from Bradley Whitford, but Matthew Perry’s work is making his other “Friends” look like Peter Scolari to his Tom Hanks. Before all is said and done he might just be my new favorite person ever.

Greys Anatomy:
-Speaking of unappealing lead female characters…
Has there ever been a show before where the main character was the least likeable person in the cast? Meredith Grey isn’t just setting women back 50 years, she’s setting all of humanity back 50 years. It’s really just becoming embarrassing at this point. Plus now her face looks plastic. Literally plastic. I guess the mildly attractive version of E.T. look from last year just wasn’t working for her anymore. And no it’s not even remotely plausible at this point that two guys would be fighting over her. But whatever.

-Speaking of implausible….has there ever been a less believable couple than George and Callie? I mean, besides the fact that they’re completely incompatible and have absolutely no chemistry, she’s like three times his size. And when did George go from being likable to a mildly annoying whiner?

- I worry that the Friends syndrome is already starting to happen. And by that I mean that the characters are starting to become slightly one-dimensional caricatures of themselves. And don’t tell me you don’t already see it starting to slightly happen. From a cast that did such phenomenal work last season I would really hate to see it occur.

- To put this as nicely as possible: I don’t think Chris O’Donnell needs to worry about preparing an Emmy acceptance speech.

- They really should give Alex Chambers more to do. He seems like a really good actor, but it’s hard to tell because he’s being severely underused.

- Speaking of underused, can they hurry up and get Izzie back the hospital again? If there are Meredith guys and Izzie guys I’m 180% an Izzie guy. Of course, assuming that there are guys who are fans of either, assumes that there are straight guys other than myself who watch Greys Anatomy. And that might be assuming a little much.

The Daily Show:
-I don’t think anyone has ever tried to push anything that the American public was completely indifferent about as hard as The Daily Show is pushing John Oliver. I thought John Hodgeman was supposed to be the new Cordry? What happened to that? And where’s Demtri Martin? I mean I get excited now for a fucking Jason Jones piece. That’s how bad the correspondent situation has gotten. Seriously, nothing against John Oliver, but he’s just so mediocre it gets old seeing him every single night of your life.

-I think its about time to put an end to all this The Colbert Report is better than The Daily Show nonsense. Seriously what is with all you hipsters? Cut it out. You’re wrong. Sure The Daily Show is going through a bit of a rough patch, but The Colbert Report is not a very good show. You know what my reaction is when The Colbert Report comes on? “Time to go to sleep”. The other night I wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep and wanted to keep watching TV after The Daily Show went off, and I was only able to watch The Colbert Report for about five minutes before changing the channel. I wound up watching a show about turtles. And I don’t even like turtles! So seriously people stop with all this Colbert Report nonesne. Colbert is a great and funny guy and his speech at the Correspondants Dinner was one of the greatest moments for comedy in my lifetime. But saying The Colbert Report is better than The Daily Show is like saying the news show on the public access station is better than CNN. I just hope The Colbert Report backlash starts soon.

And finally I think it’s worth noting that I finally took the plunge and now have in my possession Season 4 of The West Wing. I’m not even halfway through it yet but it’s thrilling to be back in the world of The West Wing again. I have a few parting thoughts on it:

-Winnie Cooper! Someone should have told me she was in this! And Amy Adams was in the first episode of the season as well! This show really has the greatest casting of all time. It’s unreal. I’m speechless.

-I would say something about how much I love Amy Gardner but I can’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t make me sound like an insane stalker. I think at this point its probably worth noting that Amy Gardner is a fictional character and that Mary Louise Parker isn’t actually like that. Or at least that’s what my therapist keeps trying to tell me. But still, if I ever run into Billy Crudup on the street it would be seriously hard for me to restrain myself from punching him in the face while yelling “Claire Danes!?! Claire fucking Danes!?!? Are you out of your goddamn mind!!!” I mean I know he was Russell Hammond and all but COME ON. Who the hell dumps Amy Gardner for Claire Danes? No one who doesn’t deserve to have their ass kicked that’s for sure. Maybe Ill scrounge up the money go see Coast of Utopia after all.

And speaking of intelligent women: here’s my new favorite quote courtesy of Bruno Gianelli: (in reference to female voters) “Anyone who has a five point majority and still doesn’t control the agenda might be spending a little too much time too much time reading about how to get a man to get over his fear of commitment.”
Amen to that brother. Sometimes I don’t know if I feel like such a feminist BECAUSE most of my friends are girls or DESPITE it.

Anyway, until next time, stay classy San Diego.


Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) THE DEPARTED!!
2.) Did I mention The Departed yet?
3.) Time Out New York
3 & 1/2.) NetFlix

Thought of the Week:
If you were Patrick Wilson in Little Children how could you possibly choose between Jennifer Connelly and Kate Winslet? That like making Meryl Streep choose which child she wants to save and which one she wants to let die in Sophies Choice. I mean its just an impossibly hard choice.