Fun. Fun! And the Grammys!!

"If you fancy yourself a follower of popular music, you're probably aware that the 55th-annual Grammy Awards take place on Sunday. Or you may have already stopped reading after "Gra-." For a few years now, I've been telling anyone that'll let me get to "-mmy" that this is our most underrated awards show — the telecast's ratio of performances (there are, like, 100 of them in three hours) to award presentations (maybe eight at the most) makes it relatively breezy viewing by the tedious standards of our annual celebrity prom nights. The Grammys are watchable because — unlike the Oscars, which handle their statues with a reverent solemnity more appropriate for the recently resurrected or a puppy rigged with plastic explosives — the awards don't get in the way."

-Steven Hyden

Thank you Steven Hyden for writing one of the best and most accurate things ever written about The Grammys. And thanks for holding it down for Team Grammy with me. There arent a ton of us out there. Which doesnt make a lot of sense since it's the most entertaining awards show by far, and every year there are at least one or two performances that knock you on your ass. This year seemed especially promising because for the first time in my lifetime there were no embarrassing nominees in any of the four major categories. And the Album of the Year category contained five worthy, current, non-ridiculous nominees for the first time maybe ever. Maybe for once the awards themselves could actually approach the quality of the awards show. It looked to be a banner year for my beloved Grammys. Things didnt exactly turn out as hoped. Turns out that without the suspense of the Grammys possibly doing something ridiculous and infuratating, the awards themselves felt even more meaningless than usual. And it was a pretty down year for performances too. I never thought I'd say this about the Grammys, but they almost skewed too young. The random mixture of big names from music's past and hip younger acts is part of what makes the Grammys great. I can see Maroon 5 perform with Alicia Keys on any awards show (not that I'd want to). But still, an average Grammys is better than the best of just about any other awards show. But I dont need to tell you all this. Because if you've made it this far you then that means that you too watched and enjoyed this years Grammys (or else you're hoping this will soon turn into the article about grandparents that you were hoping for, which, in a way, it already has). So let me hit you with some quick random thoughts on the show before breaking down each performance and the four major awards. It's like a live blog, only after the fact and pointless.

LOOSE THOUGHTS

*Things I exclaimed out loud during the Grammys:

-Lena Dunham!
(speaking of which, where was Carey Mulligan?)

-Solange!
(why did they make her sit next to Jay-Z instead of her sister though?)

-Prince!
(there’s nothing in life Prince doesn’t make better)

-“Forrest Gump”!

-Why am I yelling about the Grammys!

*John Mayer, I have seen Nate Ruess’ hair. Nate Ruess’ hair was a friend of mine. And your hair, sir, is no Nate Ruess’ hair.

*The fact that the Grammys didn’t have a performance of “Call Me Maybe” this year - worse than the Holocaust, or not quite as bad? Discuss.

 *Tyler the Creator’s outfit wins the Grammy Award for Most Tyler the Creator

*“We’ve gone 5 whole minutes without cutting to Taylor Swift! You’re all fired!” – Grammy producer
(I love Taylor, but can we officially make Jay-Z the Jack Nicholson of the Grammys instead? He’s so close to being there already.)

*“Oh, what’s this? Another Grammy Award then? Okay, that’s cool I guess” - Adele

*Based solely on his outfit I want to be best friends with The-Dream. Which raises a question that’s always bothered me: why can’t people at the Oscars dress like the people do at the Grammys? It would be so much more fun. (The condition, not the band)

*My all-time favorite awards show moment is now Miguel finishing singing "Adorn" with Wiz Khalifa and then immediately saying “and now the nominees for Best Country Solo Performance”

*Congrats to Katy Perry’s dress for understanding Katy Perry

*Good job Black Keys accepting your award in the most Black Keys way possible. See kids, that’s how you don’t give a shit. Way too much giving of shits here at this music industry awards show.

THE PERFORMANCES

Taylor Swift

Quiz: Which will happen first: a Grammys without a Taylor Swift performance or a Grammys without a Bruno Mars performance?

Answer: Trick question. Neither. We’ll all be dead first.

Anyway, this performance made no sense. But nice job Taylor using the Grammys to throw shade at Harry Styles. So there's that.

Elton John and Ed Sheeran
It’s Elton John and his son!

Also, this is literally the exact opposite of the time Elton John performed on the Grammys with Eminem

Fun.

Well that will be a YouTube clip I will watch forever. Fun. continues to be everything I want out of music ever. And their performance brings up a good question: why aren’t there more performances done in rain? I can’t remember a prominent one since Kelly Clarkson did "Since U Been Gone" in the rain at the VMAs like 10 years ago. Has anyone ever said “I hated watching that person perform in the rain”? I doubt it. Rain makes anything instantly more dramatic. And clearly I’ve been living in Los Angeles too long if I’m this excited by rain.

By the way, instead of having the Grammys can we just have fun. concert instead?

Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bently

Token Country Music Performance aka Official Grammy Bathroom Break

BTW, pretty sure Miranda Lambert just rhymed “February” with “scary”. And she’s the critically acclaimed member of the genre.

Also, ever noticed how all country music stars are either attractive blond women or scruffy yet sensitive dark-haired guys? It’s almost like the entire genre is a completely manufactured enterprise based around propagating a very narrow and regressive vision of an America that doesn’t actually exist…

Miguel and Wiz Kalifa

Help! I just watched Miguel sing "Adorn" and now I’m pregnant.

And what’s the world record for verses Wiz Khalifa hasn’t referenced weed in? Zero?

Rihanna and some dude

I would talk about Rihanna’s performance, but Rihanna is seriously just trolling all of us at this point with the Chris Brown thing and we have the power to stop it by simply not giving her any more attention. If we ignore her then this Chris Brown thing will end, I promise. So come on, let’s stop writing about her, talking about her, and listening to her music. Pay her no mind people! We have the power to make a difference. So let’s do it! Oh shit…I just heard “We Found Love” again…damn it…okay, never mind then….

JT

Way to throw us off the scent Grammy producers by cutting to Jay-Z still in his seat right as JT was about to perform “Suit and Tie”. Although to be fair, Jay-Z’s verse in that song should really just be replaced with the sound of a check being cashed.

Anyway, it’s great having JT back. We’re all thrilled. And even if his album is disappointing (spoiler alert: it will be) there’s no way that having him back doesn't make the world a better place. That being said, his performance would have been 100% better if it had been a complete surprise. As it was, it was cool. But imagine if you’d been watching the Grammys and suddenly out of nowhere Justin Timberlake took the stage with new music. It would have broken the internet. It would have ended civilization as we knew it. So, you know, kind of a missed opportunity...

Mumford and Sons

Needed more Bob Dylan

Alicia Keys and Maroon 5

Sad to see that Alicia Keys drew the short straw and had to perform with Maroon 5 this year. Chris Brown was totally available for that one you guys.

Kelly Clarkson

A little piece of me died when Kelly Clarkson revealed she doesn’t know who Miguel is. But on the other hand, holy shit Kelly Clarkson can sing stuff good.

The Black Keys (and others)

I’m staring at a Black Keys poster as I write this, but I gotta say, I thought that performance was kind of a mess. Good idea, but didn’t really work. B+ for effort though!

Bob Marley tribute

It’s the Grammys! Time for my annual five minutes of being a huge Bruno Mars fan!

Bruno Mars at the Grammys always reminds me of Marty McFly performing that Chuck Berry song at the Under the Sea Dance, only in reverse. Pretty bold of him though to get Sting to play on “Locked Out Of Heaven”. Does this mean that The Police are finally officially getting royalties for that song now?

Anyway, I don’t really “get” Bob Marley, but I thoroughly enjoyed that tribute. Probably because the artists involved chose to pay tribute to Bob Marley by playing their own non-Bob Marley songs.

The Lumineers

“I wonder what song The Lumineers are going to perform?” – no one, ever

Jack White

Whoever said rock and roll was dead should have really told Jack White.

Carrie Underwood

Ugh, two country music performances? But I already peed!

Nice color-change dress though Carrie Underwood. You’re now officially Country Music Barbie.

Neil Portnow

Neil Portnow bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I was Neil Portnow the first thing I would do is, obviously, have sex with all the hot bitches in the world. Then the second thing I would do is make it a law punishable by death that Kayne has to attend every Grammy Awards whether he’s nominated or not. And third, I would shoot lasers out of my eyes.

It makes me sad that I’ll outlive Neil Portnow and have to one day watch Neil Portnow-less Grammys, until I remember that Neil Portnow is probably immortal. Please be immortal Neil Portnow. (Of course, he’ll always be immortal in my heart)

Levon Helm tribute

Anyone who has ever shit on the Grammys needs to watch that Levon Helm tribute. Your arguments are now invalid.

Frank Ocean

I really don’t know what to think about this performance. On the one hand I loved the visual presentation (someone has clearly been hanging out with Kanye) and thought it was super bally to do an album cut like that and to do it so stripped down. And the song “Forrest Gump” is definitely my favorite thing named Forrest Gump. But on the other hand, I wanted something more from it. I kept waiting for the performance to really take off and it never did. So I think I’m disappointed, but also, I think Frank Ocean did a good job. The Grammys are confusing sometimes always.

On a related note, one thing they should really warn you about when you decide to be a theater major in college is that one day you’re going to be stuck with a  facebook feed full of people arguing over whether or not Frank Ocean was singing in the right key. (Answer: no one gives a shit)

LL Cool J and friends

The most Grammys thing the Grammys have ever done is to think that people still care about LL Cool J. Great job with the insultingly cursory tribute to Adam Yauch though!

Seriously though, Chuck D just rolled over in his grave during that Chuck D performance. And 1986 just killed itself.

THE BIG 4 AWARDS

Best New Artist

I love fun. more than I love most members of my extended family. But I worry that in 10 years the Grammys are gonna look really dumb for not going with Frank Ocean. Of course that’s assuming that in 10 years we’ll be living in a hypothetical world where people give a shit about the Grammys.

Record of the Year

“Thank you to everyone who makes music or who listens to music” – Gotye
So fuck you Amish!

Really though, was it necessary to go through the whole formality of giving “Someone I Used To Know” this award? Couldn’t they have just mailed the award to Gotye months ago and saved us all the trouble?

Song of the Year

If Alanis Morisette is looking for things to reference in the sequel to “Ironic” she could probably start with the Grammys giving a Grammy to a song called “We Are Young”.

And while we’re here, can we finally stop the with pretense that Janelle Monae is “featured” on “We Are Young”. If Janelle Monae gets to be credited on that song then so do I. So do we all. Tell you what, Janelle Monae, you can have a credit on that song when you invest in a second outfit, because I’m pretty sure you only own one.

(Love you Janelle! I’ll have your babies!)

Album of the Year

Incredibly there were no wrong answers this year. This was arguably one of the less-right answers, but you can’t really argue with one of the biggest selling albums of the year from one of the most popular bands in the world winning music’s biggest prize. You can’t make fun of the Grammys for being out of touch and then criticize them for giving Album of the Year to Mumford and Sons. Which means for three straight years now The Grammys have gotten it right-ish. If nothing else, the Album of the Year winners have made sense. But lest you think the Grammys are starting to become more logical and "with it", let me leave you with this tidbit: Mumford and Sons won Album of the Year, but they lost Best Americana Album to Bonnie Raitt.

Say it with me now: OH, GRAMMYS!

Until next year....

The Sound of Settling

After Eminem lost to Steely Dan for Album of the Year I swore I would never watch the Grammys again. It was one of those defining moments of young adulthood where you realize life isn’t fair and existence is meaningless. To recognize this fact I went out the next day and bought an Eminem shirt and wore it to school. "Life showed me its purely random and meaningless nature and all I got was this lousy shirt", is, in retrospect, what I was trying to say. But at the time I believe my thinking went something more like “Eminem is God, fuck the Grammys”

And so I really shouldn’t be here eight years later cursing out the Grammys for fucking up their awards. And yet I am.
I just can’t leave well enough alone.

They say the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing and expecting a different result. By this definition (or by any definition really) watching the Grammys is insane. And yet I do it. I could say I watch for the performances, which are often really great and memorable. And this statement would be true. But it wouldn’t be the whole truth. Because deep down I also watch because I do legitimately care who wins. Now, yes, the Grammys are not relevant in any serious way. Yes, their choices are notoriously out of step and laugh inducing. But they also have gotten it right a fair amount of times (Sgt. Pepper, Songs in the Key of Life, Rumours, Thriller, Joshua Tree, etc.). And in fact if you really get down to it, they’ve probably gotten it right as many times as the Oscars have. And ever since they reformed the nominating process in 1995, the nominees have been pretty solid too. And that’s what makes it so frustrating. Every year it seems like “this is the year they’ll get it right”. And every year I end the night swearing drunken profanities at my TV.

But I keep hanging on because what the Grammys claim to be about is what I am all about:

When art and commerce join without sacrificing one for the other. When everyone, young and old, black and white, rich and poor, can agree that this thing, this piece of art is indisputaby the best. When something is simultanously the best and the most popular. The Beatles, The Godfather, The Sopranos, Tiger Woods. This is what all of humanity strives for. This is where I aim to live my life. This is why I care about the Grammys.

Also, I’m addicted to awards shows.

And so my Grammy thoughts begin:

* My one wish is to hear T-Pain accept an award so I can hear him speak in his real voice. I feel like hearing T-Pain speak without his vocoder would be as disconcerting as hearing Hugh Laurie speak without his American accent.

* If I never hear "Before He Cheats" again for the rest of my natural life I will be more than okay with that. And by the way Carrie, before you go tearing up peoples cars maybe you better look in the mirror. Because I think if I was dating a girl with your level of jealousy and anger issues I might cheat on her too. And don’t take my word for it. Ask Tony Romo.

* Has an incredibly attractive person ever looked worse than Rihanna did during that “performance” of "Umbrella"? And while we’re on the subject, can someone explain to my what’s so good about "Umbrella"? I mean it won Pazz and Jop for Gods sake. What am I missing here? I find it mildly tolerable at best. Someone really needs to help me to understand this.

* Okay on a scale of 1 to 10 how threatened do you think Beyonce is by Jay-Z and Rihanna? I’m guessing at least a 13. All I gotta say is don’t do it Jay. Listen to that Carrie Underwood song before you do anything rash.

* How does a TV show prominantly featuring Beyonce not come with a viewer discretion advised warning? I mean what’s more harmful to America’s youth – violence and nudity or Beyonce?

*It’s really disheartening to see Beyonce doing Revlon ads isn't it? So sad to see her sell out like that.

* Okay folks, not to be the asshole here, but its really not necessary to give Stevie Wonder a STANDING ovation. I’m just saying…

*Say what you will about the Grammys but any organization that gives an award to both Barrack Obama and Flight of the Conchords in the same night cant be all bad.

* A meeting I would have like to have been at:
Executive #1: Okay so who do you think the best people would be to present the award for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration?
Executive #2: How about Taylor Swift and that dude Juanes who barely speaks English
Executive #1: Perfect!

*Hey did you know Akon was once a con? Yes, a real life convict. So when it was time to chose a moniker it was either 'Akon" or "Areallyshittyrapper". True story.

* Okay if you’re not standing for the Beatles tribute then you don’t deserve to be there. That might have been the best thing to ever air on CBS. Speaking of which…

*Holy shit! Cirque du Soleil performing to "Day in the Life" on CBS! Middle America just got very confused. What’s next DAFT PUNK?

* Holy shit! It's Daft Punk!! Live on CBS!!! Hurry up kids, get in the fallout shelter, the apocalypse is nigh!

*Ah, George Lopez introducing Brad Paisley. That’s more like it. You can come out now kids….

* Alicia Keys and John Mayer together! If I was black or a woman I would have just came right now.
(I just realized I don’t know the proper conjugation rules for the verb “cum”. I know F. Scott Fitzgerald used to have the same problem.)

* Speaking of my black girlfriend Alicia Keys…
Top 3 Reasons to Listen to the Radio
1.) “No One” - Alicia Keys
2.) “Love Song” – Sara Bareilles
3.) “The Pretender” – Foo Fighters

Top 3 Reasons Not to Listen to the Radio
1.) A loss of faith in all humanity
2.) The soul crushing sound of utter ineptitude
3.) Fergie

* Shockingly, SHOCKINGLY, Will.I.Am’s performance was painfully awful. I didn’t see that one coming.

* You know who I trust with my retirement savings? The crazy dude from Blue Velvet that’s who.

(I wish I could go back to 1969 and tell audiences coming out of Easy Rider that one day Dennis Hopper would be doing ads for a large financial corporation. The 60s would have ended right then and there)

* Wow Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman are in a movie together. That would be huge if only it were still 2003. Alas, it is not.

* I wonder how they cast the finger for the iPhone commercials. Is it the same finger for all the ads? Is someone the official finger of iPhone? And what was that audition like exactly? Were they looking for someone from Julliard?

*Kanye is the MAN. I cannot possibly make that word bold enough. You know what we were talking about earlier about being both the best and the most popular. Watch this video and youll see what I mean. Looks like that time spent hanging out with Bono is really paying off.

(As good as that was, his acceptance speech moments later was even better)

*Speaking of acceptance speeches...

Id never heard her talk before but wow shes really British isnt she?

*Now I know there are those who will make jokes about her performance or her speech or her general state of semi-coherence, but I found the whole thing strongly moving in a way I cant quite articulate. I mean you gotta be rooting for her, even more so after last night. I make jokes about literally everything, but even I dont feel right touching this one.
(I will say though that I've watched that clip at least five times now and every time "ray RAY" cracks me up.)

* Okay so before I go I have to address the Herbie Hancock fiasco. Yes my jaw did literally drop. Without exaggeration it took about 30 seconds to even register what had just happened. That is what shock feels like. And that is also what pounding the last nail in coffin of relevancy feels like. Congratulations Grammys. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. I think that undoubtedly goes down in the annals of Grammy lore along with Milli Vanilli, Christopher Cross, and Tony Bennett MTV Unplugged. You also ended my string of outrageously premature yet accurate Grammy predictions. In the past I predicted Speakerboxxx/Love Below would win Album of the Year and that Future Sex/Love Sounds would be nominated for Album of the Year months before either album was even released. This year I said Amy Winehouse would narrowly beat Kanye for Album of the Year back in March. Well to get my self back on track here’s my prediction for next year. The song Kanye does about his mother’s death will not only be his best song ever but it will be the first hip-hop song to win Record of the Year. And 4th time will be the charm, as he’ll finally win Album of the Year. And while we’re making predictions, Heath Ledger will also be nominated for Best Supporting Actor for The Dark Knight. Take it to the bank, and remember you heard it here first.