Ironic that the best thing about the most backwards looking and feeling Oscars of my lifetime was social media. Rather than having to sit and stew over an event I look forward to more than any other being almost completely laugh and excitement free I was able to turn instead to the venting hordes on the Internet for my amusement. And amuse they did. The Oscars have turned into twitter Christmas at this point with everyone bringing their absolute best jokes to save what's increasingly and worryingly looking like an event that has completely lost its way. But because of the quality of the competition, to tweet during the Oscars is to wade into an almost unwinnable war. Only the very best survive. The rest go here to this blog post to die.
This is my tweet-style recap of the thoughts I had during the telecast.
Enjoy!
*First off, let me say that I was really excited about Billy Crystal coming back to host. After years of pandering and gimmicks to try and get younger viewers who they shouldn't be so concerned about anyway, I thought Billy Crystal would get the Oscars back to being The Oscars. Well, be careful what you wish for. Because Billy Crystal did get the Oscars back to being the Oscars...from 15 years ago. Which is what I thought I wanted in theory, but I now realize I definitely dont want in practice. There's apparently a much finer line between pandering to the kids and staying relevant than I realized. Which means I really don't know where the Oscars go from here. It's troubling, but it's an issue for another day. For now, combining the best of twitter and the worst of Billy Crystal, I made a bunch of obvious hacky jokes about his hosting job over the course of the night and then just copied and pasted them here without any real thought or revision. Seemed fitting:
-Hey Billy Crystal, 1982 called and they want their opening back
-So now we know: the exact opposite of pandering to the youth demographic is a Billy Crystal musical number
-Seems like Bruce Villanch definitely gets out a lot
-Based on that opening I’m pretty sure that Billy Crystal still uses Netscape
-It appears that the mild chortle will be the night’s LOL
-It’s fitting that a night celebrating a black and white silent film is relying solely on humor that was popular in 1929
-Is it a bad sign for Billy Crystal that he got showed up humor-wise by the winner of Best Sound Editing?
-They’re probably racing through the ceremony because Billy Crytsal has a flight he has to catch straight back to the Catskills.
*Shit Oscars nerds say: "They started with Cinematography WTF?!? This is outrageous! Where is Best Supporting Actress?"
(BTW speaking of outrages...in the battle of Lubeski vs. Kaminski the winner is None of the Above? Way to ruin my night on the very first award. Richardson over Lubeski isn’t quite Hooper over Fincher but it’s probably at least Fletcher over Reitman. Also, Emmanuel Lubeski is now officially our Gordon Willis. Also, you have no idea what I’m talking about do you?)
*I love montages at the Oscars because they’re a great way for people to catch up who have never seen a movie before. Which leads me to the larger issue of who is it that thinks that the Oscars seem like an ideal place to advertise for the concept of watching movies? Because most people watching the Oscars probably have no idea what movies even are, right? “Man, this whole ‘movies’ thing sure sounds like something I should check out” seems to be what Oscar producers assume the viewing public at home is thinking.
*I love giving out the awards two at a time! I'm so glad that this show devoted to giving out awards is racing through the whole giving out awards part. It makes me very happy!
“Hey, non-famous people in the technical categories, go fuck yourselves” -The Academy
*Pretty sure Nick Nolte isn’t alive
*Wow, who knew Sandra Bullock was such a nerd? Good thing she apologized for her Mandarin having a German accent because I was definitely going to call her on that.
*Fun fact: Did you also know that Octavia Spencer is the first person to win an Oscar for making a pie out of her own shit? And that her crying face is the same as her normal face? And that it’s 2012 and apparently black women can still only win in the “help” category at the Oscars?
(Also, way to help The Help, guy walking Octavia Spencer to the stage.)
*Here you go Iran. Here’s an Oscar. Now please don’t mind when we start bombing the shit out of you.
(What’s the opposite of a parting gift?)
*Thank god they cut the performances of the two nominated songs because I would have hated to have missed that Cirque du Soleil show that was totally relevant and had a lot to do with movies.
*I’m glad Chris Rock had the balls to finally call out the animation industry for their horrible racism. What bigots those Pixar people are.
*Serious question: Was the Emma Stone/Ben Stiller presenter thing supposed to be a parody of Anne Hathaway/James Franco from last year? Because if so, I kind of liked it. If not, I definitely didn’t.
*Wait, the acting legend playing a gay man dying of cancer won an OSCAR?!? Now I really have seen everything. Also, very true Christopher Plummer. I know for sure that you are definitely humbled to be in the same company as Jonah Hill. (Or as my roommate called him, the white Al Roker)
*Serious rant: I’m sure I say this every year but I never understand when people say they’ve been preparing for their Oscar acceptance speech their whole life and then proceed to just list a bunch of names. First of all, were you really practicing saying the name of your agent and your PR people when you were 12? Also, that was what was most important for you to say in your fantasies about the greatest moment of your life? “One day I hope I can win an Oscar so that I can stand up in front of the world an thank the film’s producers”?
*Dressing like an Oscar statue is a little redundant at this point don’t you think Meryl Streep?
*An Academy Award for Flight of the Conchords; your move Lonely Island.
*When did Angelina Jolie become a rich man’s Hilary Swank?
(By the way, I still can’t believe that Hilary Swank was snubbed for War Horse)
Semi-speaking of which, here are by far the most discussed things of the Oscars 2012:
1. Angelina Jolie’s leg
2. Angelina Jolie’s arms
3. The actual results of the awards
*Greendale now having an Oscar has to be one the greatest accomplishments in community college history #JimRash #Community
*Seeing Werner Herzog at The Oscars gives me the greatest idea in history: have Werner Herzog produce The Oscars!
*Whenever they say “let’s watch some highlights from the Scientific and Technical Achievement Awards” they’re using the term “highlights” very loosely
*Quick quiz: Is If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front an Oscar nominated documentary or a Coheed and Cambria song? (I’m allowed to semi-recycle my own jokes)
*Pretty sure Undefeated winning is just a make up award for snubbing Hoop Dreams. Or Friday Night Lights. One of the two.
*“Yeah, yeah, yeah, Pakistani women getting acid thrown in their faces, whatever, this is boring, where are the movie stars?” – nearly everyone during the Best Documentary Short acceptance speech
*Thank goodness Oprah has an Oscar now because her career has really been hurting. Maybe this will give it the boost it needs. Speaking of which, good thing they didn’t give Oprah her Oscar during the actual ceremony as that probably would have been terrible for buzz, ratings, and general interest.
*I always like the part in awards shows when they stop and remind us all that one day we’re gonna die.
*Well, at least I'm glad that I didn’t learn how to pronounce Hazanavicius for nothing. And glad we just gave Best Director to a guy most well-known for making French James Bond spoofs. Can’t wait for the Wayans Brothers to win next year.
*My reaction to Jean Dujardin winning:
Congrats to Roberto Benigni!
(Been nice knowing you!)
*My reaction to Meryl Streep winning:
Shock.
And then:
“Now she can’t win for August: Osage County!”
It was great to have a legitimate surprise at the Oscars. As much as I hate the people who want to see surprises just for the sake of seeing surprises, when you don’t know what’s coming you get a more genuine response. Nearly every other winner I nodded along knowingly and dispassionately when their names were called. I had already long ago processed my feelings on their win. But even though I was really pulling for Viola Davis, I found myself in the moment being unexpectedly excited and moved by Meryl’s win. Turns out I like her more than I even realized. Nice to learn something like that at the Oscars. Now imagine how great they’d be if there were absolutely no pundits and we had no idea at all who might win. That’d be pretty great.
(While we're talking about Best Actress let me just say that I thought Conan O’Brien was great in Albert Nobbs)
*Okay so by the end The Artist's win was inevitable. I really wish they wouldn't announce Director 30 minutes before they announce Picture. It's like puncturing a small hole in the balloon. By the time they get to Picture the air is almost all gone. But Best Director aside if you had any lingering doubts about what would win you should have simply watched the show. A telecast that old fashioned, that conservative, that careful not to offend could only be produced by a group that would find The Artist the Best Picture of the year. They were so into a movie that celebrated old Hollywood because they ARE old Hollywood. Not a novel observation I know, but one that rang especially clear tonight. Watching bit after bit fall thuddingly flat, wondering what exact the jokes were even supposed to be I saw clearly why comedies never get nominated. Looking at a tone deaf, airless, stuffy ceremony that could have taken place any time between now and 1962 I knew how The Kings Speech beat The Social Network. It made me wonder how something like No Country for Old Men ever won (and not just because that seems like the only people the country of Oscar is for).
The Oscars will always matter. They will always mean something. They will always be relevant because the dream of the Oscars and their cultural cache are unkillable at this point. But something happens to 84 year-olds. They get sick. And in this case, we're still desperately searching for the medicine.
Until next year comrades.
No comments:
Post a Comment