Grammys 2017: Adele's Revenge

Who gives a damn about a Grammy? Other than Chance the Rapper hopefully no one. But what I DO give a damn about is the Grammys telecast. It’s great! Sometimes for the wrong reasons, but whatever! I love watching it. So, as always, here are some thoughts on each of this years performances: 

Adele (Hello)

“Heeeellllooooooo from 12 months ago” - Adele

Nothing like showing how you have your finger on the pulse of music like starting your music awards show out with a song from 2015. Keep up the good work Grammys!

James Cordon opening

James Cordon is the best case scenario for a musical theater kid.

The Weeknd

The Weeknd is the best case scenario for selling out.

Also, The Weeknd is great in any situation, but definitely the situation The Weeknd is best in is when Drake cancels on your awards show last minute.

Keith Urban/Country Music Barbie

Is this country music is now??? If so I guess it’s true what they say: one generation’s dance-influenced guitar pop is the next generation’s country music. 

Either that or genre is now officially dead.

Ed Sheeran

Fun game I like to play: Former Harry Potter Actor or Ed Sheeran

Fun fact that is definitely true: No one over the age of 26 can name a single Ed Sheeran song

Fun thing to watch on The Grammys: Not this performance

Lukas Graham/Kelsea Ballerini

It’s been fun not knowing you Kelsea Ballerini. Best of luck with everything.

HOT TAKE SO HOT THAT IT’S ON FIRE: “7 Years” is a good song and I enjoy it.

(Feels good to get that off my chest)

Beyonce

In retrospect Destiny’s Child is the most fitting name possible for a young-Beyonce fronted group. This Beyonce is where the last 20 years of popular music have been building to. If 1998 Lauryn Hill, 2008 Lady Gaga, and 2010 Kanye had a daughter, that daughter would want to be 2016/17 Beyonce when she grows up.

Having the platform, permission, vision, and talent to give this performance is really the final level possible of popular artistic success. Clearly Beyonce is there and it’s awesome to see. But mostly I just enjoy how Solange Beyonce is now.

Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars paradoxes:

-Bruno Mars remains somehow both incredibly overrated and incredibly underrated at the same time.

-Bruno Mars is one of the most charismatic performers in history, yet also somehow has no discernible personality.

-Pretty much everyone would agree that a Bruno Mars concert seems like it would be awesome, yet I doubt there’s a single person I know who would ever actually want to go to one.

Bruno Mars remains a great live performer and an even greater enigma, and the Earth will now die and crash into the sun before The Grammys will ever again happen without a Bruno Mars performance.

Katy Perry

I don't know if its acceptable to ironically love Katy Perry yet or not, but regardless, I audibly expressed excitement when her performance was introduced. Listening to new Katy Perry singles is my heroin. I know I’ll never get back that original high of “Teenage Dream” but I’m addicted to trying anyway. It just makes me feel so good inside. And it will somehow probably lead to my death.

Also, how quietly Katy Perry is winning the Perry/Swift civil war is so Katy Perry. And as much as I like Taylor Swift I’m gonna be one of the first people off the boats at Normandy

Gary Clark Jr.

Gary, you're great and I'm sure that was lovely, but I gotta be honest, I was still Perry drunk for your whole performance.

Alicia Keys/Maren Morris

I feel like we as a society have failed Alicia Keys. She’s some parallel universe’s Beyonce.

And I had no real idea who Maren Morris was coming into tonight but I have a strong feeling her album sales just picked up significantly. So way to Ricky Martin that thing Maren!

Adele (George Michael tribute)

In an existential twist, messing up made that way better than it would have been had everything gone according to plan. (Wake up sheep! Adele’s Sound Issues were an inside job!)

And the in-the-moment confusion over how much of Adele’s post-song emotion was about George Michael and how much was about the restart is why there's still nothing quite like watching live TV.

Lady Gaga/Metallica

Wow Lady Gaga’s country phase sure just took a dramatic turn.

Pretty sure Lady Gaga is the first person to perform on the Grammys with both Metallica and Tony Bennett, but I’ll have to check on that. All I know is I’m looking forward to next year when she performs with Wu-Tang Clan.

Sturgill Simpson

Dwight Yoakum introducing Sturgill Simpson feels even more on the nose than Beyonce being introduced by her own mother.

After that performance Sturgill Simpson easily retains his title as My All-Time Favorite Live Performer That I Had Never Even Heard of Two Months Ago. Also there's literally nothing in life The Dap-Kings don’t make better.

The Bee Gees Tribute

I know that literally no one in the world needed or wanted that, but hey, good news, Little Big Town covering “How Deep Is Your Love” is now the official theme song of CBS. So there’s that.

A Tribe Called Quest and Friends

My review

1st Half: ….honestly? Kind of a mess.

2nd Half: ALL THE FIRE EMOJIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you kick it? I’m pretty sure you just did. The ONLY bright side to the next four years is the hope that we might get to experience even more shit like that.

Prince Tribute

Bruno Mars and The Time doing the Grammys' Prince Tribute is the occam’s razor of Prince tributes. It also feels like the last word. Although I also think we’d all be totally fine with just continuing to do Prince tributes forever.

Chance the Rapper

There was a 100% chance that was going to be transcendently great and indeed it was. I don’t believe in God, but Chance the Rapper is so great that he makes me think that I do.

John Legend/Cynthia Erivo

HOT TAKE SO HOT IT CAN MELT STEEL BEAMS: I’m over awards shows doing solemn In Memoriam segments.

Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!! James Cordon thought he could upstage Neil Portnow with his Neil Portnow intro but NOTHING CAN UPSTAGE NEIL PORTNOW! 

Real talk: At this point I legitimately don’t know if my excitement about Neil Portnow is even ironic anymore. This is my cry for help.

The fact that The Grammys ended the performance section of the night with In Memoriam and Neil Portnow

#ThatsSoGrammy

Daft and Punk'd: The Grammys 2014

The Grammys are insane and might very well be nothing more than one very long, cruel practical joke so here, read my breakdown of every single performance and the four major awards at the Grammys! Enjoy!

Beyonce and Jay-Z

“To kick off the Grammys…here’s a person not nominated for any individual Grammys tonight! So give a warm Grammy welcome to Beyonce and a disoriented old man!”

Nothing makes me happier than the fact that in Obama’s America the person who sang the National Anthem at the Presidential Inauguration is the same person who got bleeped at the Grammys while having sex with a chair. I may generally have mixed feelings about Beyonce, but I’m becoming more and more pro-Beyonce by the minute.

Lorde

#2014

Think piece idea: the embrace of minimalism in music by children of The Great Recession

Think piece idea II: the children are our future – not such a bad thing?

While Lorde may want to be called Queen Bee, I prefer to call her Fiona Apple. Also, is epilepsy a thing now? It’s so hard to keep up with what the kids are into these days.

Hunter Hayes

True story: Mark David Chapman only shot John Lennon so he wouldn’t have to live to see his quotes projected during a Hunter Hayes performance at the Grammys. It’s just a shame there was no one present in the building who cared about protecting John Lennon’s legacy. (Yoko Ono burn!)

Anyway, the fastest possible way to get me to leave the room to use the bathroom is to utter the sentence “Next up a powerful new ballad by Hunter Hayes”, but from what I caught of it I’m just glad someone finally had the courage and originality to write a song promoting the idea that the listener is special and has the power to overcome adversity. About time we had a song like that.

Katy Perry

I want to take Lady Gaga and rub her nose in Katy Perry’s performance while yelling “bad dog” until she feels bad about what she’s done.

I’m generally powerless to resist a good Katy Perry song, but it says everything about Katy Perry that the part of her performance she appeared to put the least amount of thought and energy into was the singing. And it was maybe a little too on the nose to set that performance in the pits of hell. But whatever, Juicy J was on the Grammys. I just hope when Katy Perry grows up she can be more like Lorde.

Chicago /Robin Thicke

Quiz: without cheating name a member of Chicago

While we’re doing quizzes, here’s a good ol’ SAT-style analogy

Grammys : VMAs :: Robin Thicke and Chicago : Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus

I don’t really know what my point is necessarily other than to say that anyone who thought the Miley Cyrus performance was the end of civilization as we know it should really watch that Chicago performance and then tell me which civilization seems more fun to live in. And I say this as someone who owns three Chicago albums.

Keith Urban/Gary Clark Jr.

Remember when pre-mainstream-fame Mumford and Sons got to perform with Bob Dylan at the Grammys? Gary Clark Jr. performing on the Grammys with Keith Urban is the exact opposite of that. By which I mean I’m really looking forward to bouncing my grandkids on my knee one day and telling them about the time I wasted five minutes of my life watching Gary Clark Jr. suffer through a Keith Urban song.

John Legend

Has anyone ever seen John Legend NOT at the Grammys? Pretty sure he lives at the Staples Center. And while the last 20 years may have seen the invention of the Internet and the iPhone, if John Legend is our Stevie Wonder then we have failed miserably as a people.

Taylor Swift

Not sure if Taylor Swift was performing at the Grammys or filming a shampoo commercial, but either way I thought it was pretty good. That being said, we take you seriously now Taylor. You can let the mean comments about that time you sang with Stevie Nicks go now. It would be cool next year for stage-Taylor Swift to be more like audience-Taylor Swift

Pink featuring Nate Ruess

Remember that time we tuned into a Cirque du Soleil show and a Pink concert broke out? By which I mean every awards show ever.

Fun fact: there was a shark in that audience that Pink just flew over
(Speaking of jumping the shark: Nate Ruess’ mustache)

Seriously though, I think Pink is a great performer and everything a pop star should be, I just wish she would get some new tricks already.

Ringo Starr

Good thing the Beatles’ legacy is literally impossible to soil because all I could think during that performance was "don’t let Ringo outlive Paul, don’t let Ringo outlive Paul…"

But really, please don’t let Ringo outlive Paul.

(Also, after that performance I feel certain that Pete Best is on even higher suicide watch than usual)

Kendrick Lamar/Imagine Dragons

I’m pretty sure Kendrick Lamar has never listened to an Imagine Dragons song, and I’m pretty sure their joint performance was a bit of a train wreck, but I’m also pretty sure I kind of loved it. And when during Kendrick’s last verse it appeared smoke was coming out of his microphone, well, that was totally apt.

For better or worse it’s performances like that that you can only get at the Grammys. They’re the whole reason we (and by “we” I mean I) tune in.

Kacey Musgraves

What if instead of having the Grammys we just had a Kacey Musgraves concert? Would anyone be opposed?

Two more Kacey Musgraves points:

1. I like Taylor Swift, but when Kacey Musgraves won Best Country Album I shouted SUCK IT TAYLOR SWIFT!!! Now Kacey has beaten Taylor and the circle of life begins anew.

2. Ten years from now nothing about these Grammys is going to seem dumber than the fact that Kacey Musgraves didn’t win Best New Artist.

(Are my Texas roots showing yet?)

Paul McCartney

I am an ardent and unabashed fan of Paul McCartney’s solo work but I think it’s telling that the only person they could get a shot of singing and dancing along enthusiastically to Paul’s song was his wife.

(Yoko Ono doesn’t count because it’s unclear if she was singing and dancing along or if she was just being Yoko Ono (Yoko Ono burn!))

Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard and Blake Shelton

Don’t know if it says more abot the Grammys or about hipsterdom that the hippest performance at the Grammys was Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, and Merle Haggard. But gold star to whoever decided to cut almost exclusively to shots of rappers during it. Says a lot that Jamie Foxx seemed more into Merle Haggard than Taylor Swift and Taylor Swifts Dancing Friend did.

Daft Punk featuring everyone who is awesome

Okay, that made the whole night worth it. It was just as great as anyone could have predicted that it would be. Apparently when you get truly great people together to perform a truly great song great things happen. Who knew?

Sara Bareillis/Carol King

Did this happen? Was this a thing that happened? I have no idea if this actually happened or not. I might have dozed off.

Bruno Mars

While I was asleep I must have missed Bruno Mars’ performance. I mean this was the Grammys after all. You can’t have a Grammys without the Grammy mascot. There’s no way they would allow that. Right??? I’m sure he must have performed, so it’s a shame I missed my annual five minutes of being a huge Bruno Mars fan. Oh well. Back to complete and total indifference towards all things Bruno Mars. Til next year Bruno Mars…

Metallica/Lang Lang

The Grammys are Willie Nelson performing with Blake Shelton and the Grammys are also Metallica performing with classical pianist Lang Lang. The Grammys are all things. The Grammys contain multitudes. So once the shock of seeing Metallica on CBS wore off I realized that the performance was actually thoroughly Grammys, no matter how atypical the Metallica part of it appeared. In the end I’m not sure how I felt about it as a performance, but I’m glad it happened and that I saw it. Long live the Grammys!

“Same Love”

I’ll try and keep this brief…

As someone who considers Eminem performing on the Grammys with Elton John a seminal moment of his adolescence I had been looking forward to the performance of “Same Love” on the Grammys for months now because I recognized it’s potential to be a similar moment for a new generation. And in the end it exceeded even my highest expectations.

I don’t know that it’ll be a cultural moment of the magnitude that Eminem’s performance was, but I think that’s more due to the fractured nature of our culture than the performance itself. Because in the end, it was a performance that perfectly captured the power of music, and its possibilities as an agent of love and hope and change. Now I know snark and the Grammys go hand and hand (I mean, have you read everything up until now?) but if you have negative snarky things to say about this performance please stop reading my blog forever and go take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. And anyone who thinks the Grammys are a pointless waste of time needs to watch this performance and then shut the hell up forever.

Neil Portnow

NEIL PORTNOW!!! I LOVE THAT NEIL PORTNOW THINKS WE REMEMBER EXACT DETAILS OF HIS SPEECH FROM LAST YEAR. BECAUSE WE TOTALLY DO!!!! HOW COULD WE EVER FORGET YOUR SPEECHES NEIL PORTNOW?? YOU ARE THE HIGHLIGHT OF OUR LIFE! THAT’S WHY IT’S GREAT YOU POSITIONED YOURSELF RIGHT AFTER THE EMOTIONAL HIGH POINT OF THE EVENING. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE EMOTIONAL HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR!!!! NEVER CHANGE NEIL PORTNOW

Everly Brothers tribute

I wish I could go back in time to 1994 and try to explain to people how not weird it will seem when one day the lead singer of Green Day performs an Everly Brothers tribute at the Grammys. Who knew at the time what a pivotal song “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” would wind up being. Or maybe I just missed something and playing acoustic guitar with Miranda Lambert is the new punk.

Lindsey Buckingham, Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl, and Queens of the Stone Age

This was great but also seemed like it never really had a chance to get started. Right when it finally felt like it had some real momentum they cut to the credits. Which whenever you have a rocking performance that seems like it could really invigorate the whole evening it’s best to play the closing credits over it. Great job Grammys! Speaking of which….

THE  BIG FOUR AWARDS

(Okay so this first one wasn’t so great…)

Best New Artist

“Macklemore and Ryan Lewis meet the rap group Arrested Development. Arrested Development, meet Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.”

(Speaking of introductions, can a clip of Anna Kendrick wearing that dress while doing clever comedy bits play on a loop forever? Asking for a friend.)

---------

(But these next three awards…I mean you could make a legitimate case that these are the actual song, record, and album of the year. Not an embarassing choice among them, and in all three cases the best choice out of all of the nominees. Of course all this means is that next year all of the awards are going to go to Bruno Mars and Phil Collins.)

Song of the Year

The Grammys not giving Song of the Year to “Same Love”, the most Grammys song ever, is the most Grammy thing ever. If a white rapper collaborating with a female vocalist and live instrumentation for a positive song about human rights can’t win a Grammy then what can? An ever better song by a hip young outsider dabbling in a genre all her own, challenging the mainstream status quo?? It’s like I don’t even know you any more Grammys!

Record of the Year

Daft Punk remaining in character to receive their awards was the highlight of the night and will do way more for their sales, popularity, and notoriety with the public at large than reading a list of names could have done in a million years. Lady Gaga is so pissed that she’s not Daft Punk. And unlike Lady Gaga there’s a zero percent chance the popularity and success of this Daft Punk song will ever seem dumb.

Album of the Year

Well, we now live in a world where Daft Punk have won a Grammy for Album of the Year. We’ve come a long way since Vaughn Meader. I’d also just like to say that I called this one back in June. If I had bet money I would be a wealthy man. But also betting money on the Grammys is the ultimate form of insanity. So there’s that.

But with this win, here are the past four Album of the Year winners: Arcade Fire (The Suburbs), Adele (21), Mumford and Sons (Babel), and Daft Punk (Random Access Memories). No embarrassing clunkers in the lot and all albums that had real connection to the trends and popular music scenes of their day. Large numbers of people under the age of 40 own and enjoy each of those albums. And I know some people aren’t big on Mumford and Sons but each of those albums could make a legitimate claim as the best album of their respective years. I don’t know if it’s an extended fluke or a real trend. But it’s encouraging and I profoundly hope it continues. And on that note I’m now off to come to terms with Beyonce winning next year because it’s going to take me a whole year to be emotionally ready for it.

Fun. Fun! And the Grammys!!

"If you fancy yourself a follower of popular music, you're probably aware that the 55th-annual Grammy Awards take place on Sunday. Or you may have already stopped reading after "Gra-." For a few years now, I've been telling anyone that'll let me get to "-mmy" that this is our most underrated awards show — the telecast's ratio of performances (there are, like, 100 of them in three hours) to award presentations (maybe eight at the most) makes it relatively breezy viewing by the tedious standards of our annual celebrity prom nights. The Grammys are watchable because — unlike the Oscars, which handle their statues with a reverent solemnity more appropriate for the recently resurrected or a puppy rigged with plastic explosives — the awards don't get in the way."

-Steven Hyden

Thank you Steven Hyden for writing one of the best and most accurate things ever written about The Grammys. And thanks for holding it down for Team Grammy with me. There arent a ton of us out there. Which doesnt make a lot of sense since it's the most entertaining awards show by far, and every year there are at least one or two performances that knock you on your ass. This year seemed especially promising because for the first time in my lifetime there were no embarrassing nominees in any of the four major categories. And the Album of the Year category contained five worthy, current, non-ridiculous nominees for the first time maybe ever. Maybe for once the awards themselves could actually approach the quality of the awards show. It looked to be a banner year for my beloved Grammys. Things didnt exactly turn out as hoped. Turns out that without the suspense of the Grammys possibly doing something ridiculous and infuratating, the awards themselves felt even more meaningless than usual. And it was a pretty down year for performances too. I never thought I'd say this about the Grammys, but they almost skewed too young. The random mixture of big names from music's past and hip younger acts is part of what makes the Grammys great. I can see Maroon 5 perform with Alicia Keys on any awards show (not that I'd want to). But still, an average Grammys is better than the best of just about any other awards show. But I dont need to tell you all this. Because if you've made it this far you then that means that you too watched and enjoyed this years Grammys (or else you're hoping this will soon turn into the article about grandparents that you were hoping for, which, in a way, it already has). So let me hit you with some quick random thoughts on the show before breaking down each performance and the four major awards. It's like a live blog, only after the fact and pointless.

LOOSE THOUGHTS

*Things I exclaimed out loud during the Grammys:

-Lena Dunham!
(speaking of which, where was Carey Mulligan?)

-Solange!
(why did they make her sit next to Jay-Z instead of her sister though?)

-Prince!
(there’s nothing in life Prince doesn’t make better)

-“Forrest Gump”!

-Why am I yelling about the Grammys!

*John Mayer, I have seen Nate Ruess’ hair. Nate Ruess’ hair was a friend of mine. And your hair, sir, is no Nate Ruess’ hair.

*The fact that the Grammys didn’t have a performance of “Call Me Maybe” this year - worse than the Holocaust, or not quite as bad? Discuss.

 *Tyler the Creator’s outfit wins the Grammy Award for Most Tyler the Creator

*“We’ve gone 5 whole minutes without cutting to Taylor Swift! You’re all fired!” – Grammy producer
(I love Taylor, but can we officially make Jay-Z the Jack Nicholson of the Grammys instead? He’s so close to being there already.)

*“Oh, what’s this? Another Grammy Award then? Okay, that’s cool I guess” - Adele

*Based solely on his outfit I want to be best friends with The-Dream. Which raises a question that’s always bothered me: why can’t people at the Oscars dress like the people do at the Grammys? It would be so much more fun. (The condition, not the band)

*My all-time favorite awards show moment is now Miguel finishing singing "Adorn" with Wiz Khalifa and then immediately saying “and now the nominees for Best Country Solo Performance”

*Congrats to Katy Perry’s dress for understanding Katy Perry

*Good job Black Keys accepting your award in the most Black Keys way possible. See kids, that’s how you don’t give a shit. Way too much giving of shits here at this music industry awards show.

THE PERFORMANCES

Taylor Swift

Quiz: Which will happen first: a Grammys without a Taylor Swift performance or a Grammys without a Bruno Mars performance?

Answer: Trick question. Neither. We’ll all be dead first.

Anyway, this performance made no sense. But nice job Taylor using the Grammys to throw shade at Harry Styles. So there's that.

Elton John and Ed Sheeran
It’s Elton John and his son!

Also, this is literally the exact opposite of the time Elton John performed on the Grammys with Eminem

Fun.

Well that will be a YouTube clip I will watch forever. Fun. continues to be everything I want out of music ever. And their performance brings up a good question: why aren’t there more performances done in rain? I can’t remember a prominent one since Kelly Clarkson did "Since U Been Gone" in the rain at the VMAs like 10 years ago. Has anyone ever said “I hated watching that person perform in the rain”? I doubt it. Rain makes anything instantly more dramatic. And clearly I’ve been living in Los Angeles too long if I’m this excited by rain.

By the way, instead of having the Grammys can we just have fun. concert instead?

Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bently

Token Country Music Performance aka Official Grammy Bathroom Break

BTW, pretty sure Miranda Lambert just rhymed “February” with “scary”. And she’s the critically acclaimed member of the genre.

Also, ever noticed how all country music stars are either attractive blond women or scruffy yet sensitive dark-haired guys? It’s almost like the entire genre is a completely manufactured enterprise based around propagating a very narrow and regressive vision of an America that doesn’t actually exist…

Miguel and Wiz Kalifa

Help! I just watched Miguel sing "Adorn" and now I’m pregnant.

And what’s the world record for verses Wiz Khalifa hasn’t referenced weed in? Zero?

Rihanna and some dude

I would talk about Rihanna’s performance, but Rihanna is seriously just trolling all of us at this point with the Chris Brown thing and we have the power to stop it by simply not giving her any more attention. If we ignore her then this Chris Brown thing will end, I promise. So come on, let’s stop writing about her, talking about her, and listening to her music. Pay her no mind people! We have the power to make a difference. So let’s do it! Oh shit…I just heard “We Found Love” again…damn it…okay, never mind then….

JT

Way to throw us off the scent Grammy producers by cutting to Jay-Z still in his seat right as JT was about to perform “Suit and Tie”. Although to be fair, Jay-Z’s verse in that song should really just be replaced with the sound of a check being cashed.

Anyway, it’s great having JT back. We’re all thrilled. And even if his album is disappointing (spoiler alert: it will be) there’s no way that having him back doesn't make the world a better place. That being said, his performance would have been 100% better if it had been a complete surprise. As it was, it was cool. But imagine if you’d been watching the Grammys and suddenly out of nowhere Justin Timberlake took the stage with new music. It would have broken the internet. It would have ended civilization as we knew it. So, you know, kind of a missed opportunity...

Mumford and Sons

Needed more Bob Dylan

Alicia Keys and Maroon 5

Sad to see that Alicia Keys drew the short straw and had to perform with Maroon 5 this year. Chris Brown was totally available for that one you guys.

Kelly Clarkson

A little piece of me died when Kelly Clarkson revealed she doesn’t know who Miguel is. But on the other hand, holy shit Kelly Clarkson can sing stuff good.

The Black Keys (and others)

I’m staring at a Black Keys poster as I write this, but I gotta say, I thought that performance was kind of a mess. Good idea, but didn’t really work. B+ for effort though!

Bob Marley tribute

It’s the Grammys! Time for my annual five minutes of being a huge Bruno Mars fan!

Bruno Mars at the Grammys always reminds me of Marty McFly performing that Chuck Berry song at the Under the Sea Dance, only in reverse. Pretty bold of him though to get Sting to play on “Locked Out Of Heaven”. Does this mean that The Police are finally officially getting royalties for that song now?

Anyway, I don’t really “get” Bob Marley, but I thoroughly enjoyed that tribute. Probably because the artists involved chose to pay tribute to Bob Marley by playing their own non-Bob Marley songs.

The Lumineers

“I wonder what song The Lumineers are going to perform?” – no one, ever

Jack White

Whoever said rock and roll was dead should have really told Jack White.

Carrie Underwood

Ugh, two country music performances? But I already peed!

Nice color-change dress though Carrie Underwood. You’re now officially Country Music Barbie.

Neil Portnow

Neil Portnow bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I was Neil Portnow the first thing I would do is, obviously, have sex with all the hot bitches in the world. Then the second thing I would do is make it a law punishable by death that Kayne has to attend every Grammy Awards whether he’s nominated or not. And third, I would shoot lasers out of my eyes.

It makes me sad that I’ll outlive Neil Portnow and have to one day watch Neil Portnow-less Grammys, until I remember that Neil Portnow is probably immortal. Please be immortal Neil Portnow. (Of course, he’ll always be immortal in my heart)

Levon Helm tribute

Anyone who has ever shit on the Grammys needs to watch that Levon Helm tribute. Your arguments are now invalid.

Frank Ocean

I really don’t know what to think about this performance. On the one hand I loved the visual presentation (someone has clearly been hanging out with Kanye) and thought it was super bally to do an album cut like that and to do it so stripped down. And the song “Forrest Gump” is definitely my favorite thing named Forrest Gump. But on the other hand, I wanted something more from it. I kept waiting for the performance to really take off and it never did. So I think I’m disappointed, but also, I think Frank Ocean did a good job. The Grammys are confusing sometimes always.

On a related note, one thing they should really warn you about when you decide to be a theater major in college is that one day you’re going to be stuck with a  facebook feed full of people arguing over whether or not Frank Ocean was singing in the right key. (Answer: no one gives a shit)

LL Cool J and friends

The most Grammys thing the Grammys have ever done is to think that people still care about LL Cool J. Great job with the insultingly cursory tribute to Adam Yauch though!

Seriously though, Chuck D just rolled over in his grave during that Chuck D performance. And 1986 just killed itself.

THE BIG 4 AWARDS

Best New Artist

I love fun. more than I love most members of my extended family. But I worry that in 10 years the Grammys are gonna look really dumb for not going with Frank Ocean. Of course that’s assuming that in 10 years we’ll be living in a hypothetical world where people give a shit about the Grammys.

Record of the Year

“Thank you to everyone who makes music or who listens to music” – Gotye
So fuck you Amish!

Really though, was it necessary to go through the whole formality of giving “Someone I Used To Know” this award? Couldn’t they have just mailed the award to Gotye months ago and saved us all the trouble?

Song of the Year

If Alanis Morisette is looking for things to reference in the sequel to “Ironic” she could probably start with the Grammys giving a Grammy to a song called “We Are Young”.

And while we’re here, can we finally stop the with pretense that Janelle Monae is “featured” on “We Are Young”. If Janelle Monae gets to be credited on that song then so do I. So do we all. Tell you what, Janelle Monae, you can have a credit on that song when you invest in a second outfit, because I’m pretty sure you only own one.

(Love you Janelle! I’ll have your babies!)

Album of the Year

Incredibly there were no wrong answers this year. This was arguably one of the less-right answers, but you can’t really argue with one of the biggest selling albums of the year from one of the most popular bands in the world winning music’s biggest prize. You can’t make fun of the Grammys for being out of touch and then criticize them for giving Album of the Year to Mumford and Sons. Which means for three straight years now The Grammys have gotten it right-ish. If nothing else, the Album of the Year winners have made sense. But lest you think the Grammys are starting to become more logical and "with it", let me leave you with this tidbit: Mumford and Sons won Album of the Year, but they lost Best Americana Album to Bonnie Raitt.

Say it with me now: OH, GRAMMYS!

Until next year....