Things I Don't Understand

The expression “have your cake and eat it too”
Why would someone have a cake and not eat it? Has anyone ever ordered a cake so they could just look at it? Am I missing something here?

(And while we’re on the topic of strange expressions: Why do people say “kill two birds with one stone” like it’s a good thing? I mean why are we killing birds at all, let alone murdering them two at a time with rocks? That’s just cruel.)

Why there have been so many missed opportunities for synergy recently
-In the New York mayoral race I’m sure the candidates have things like “views on the issues” and “plans for the city”, but all I care about is the fact that none of them (to my knowledge) has made the song “Run This Town” a key element of their campaign. This is indefensible. Seriously at this point whoever is the first to use that song in a campaign ad or at a personal appearance has my vote. If no one uses it then I’m not voting. Simple as that. Now get to work, because through a strange loophole in the law my vote counts as 1,000 votes.

-Now that the book can be officially closed on the summer of ’09 it must be asked – how did we have a summer in which one of the most popular movies and one of the most popular songs were both about waking up hung over in Las Vegas and yet neither of them had anything to do with the other? Katy Perry’s CD came out like a year ago so that was plenty of time for the makers of The Hangover to incorporate “Waking Up In Vegas” into the movie in some way or at least add it to the soundtrack. It’s completely incomprehensible to me that this wasn’t done. I mean the song sounds like it was written for the movie. If they had commissioned Katy Perry to write a song specifically for the film there’s no way she could have done a better job. The fact that the music video isn’t one of those cheesy videos that features clips from the film amazes me. Whenever I hear the songs I can picture that video in my mind. How does it not exist? What kind of world is this? What, did Katy Perry and/or the makers of The Hangover have too much integrity? Did they not want to sell out? Someone explain this to me.

-The Noble Prize winners have been announced this week and none of the announcements have been accompanied by the playing of the song “Boom Boom Pow”? I mean wouldn’t any declaration of human greatness sound better if backed by that song? What expresses excellence in one’s field quite like a song with the lyrics “I’m on the supersonic boom/ Yall hear that spaceship zoom/ When when I step inside the room/ Them girls go apeshit, uh”? I mean the way he repeats the word “when” for no reason and then is unable to come with one more word at the end that rhymes with “room” – it’s genius. That is some good shit right there. Also, I may be confused as to the meaning of the word “good”.

The Parks and Recreation haters
Explain yourselves

Why I continue to watch Entourage
Our relationship is getting really abusive at this point. Next season I’m really expecting an episode entitled “Andy Stokan, Go Fuck Yourself”. And even then I think I would still keep watching. I haven’t been “involved” with something this bad since that time I dated Kirsten Dunst. I think next season I should just hit myself with a hammer once a week for 30 minutes until my brain starts hemorrhaging. It would be time better spent.

This


The David Letterman “Outrage”
Oh my God someone in the entertainment field was unfaithful to their significant other! A man in a position of power had a consensual sexual relationship with one of his subordinates! A clearly self-loathing and deeply insure person engaged in self-destructive behavior! Wow, I’m shocked. And, um, outraged or something? Seriously, how is any of this a big story? And how does the fact the he has made tons of jokes about infidelity over the years affect this in any way. That doesn’t make him a hypocrite, it makes him a comedian who was doing his job and will surely continue to do so. As Craig Ferguson said, "If we are now holding late-night talk show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out." And so am I. So back off and go back to being outraged about Jon and Kate or whatever. Because that shit is outrageous. Right? (I’m actually asking. Because I don’t know. They make my eyes bleed.)