I know you. I know what you’re thinking. The Oscar nominations came out last Tuesday and still not a word from Fredtheonlinejournal? Is he dead? Has something happened? Is he not outraged by William Hurt’s nomination? Is he not thrilled over Amy Adams’ nomination? Is he not completely indifferent about Rachel Weiz’s nomination? Well yes, yes, and yes. And that’s why I am now FINALLY here to share with you all of my thoughts about something you could care less about. Enjoy.
* Is the fact that I slept soundly the night before Christmas, but I woke up 5 different times the night before the Oscar nominations just because I was worried my alarm might not go off and I would miss them some sort of statement about my life? Yes, I think it is. And not a good one.
* Ultimately despite the 2,000 following words to the contrary, as long as Munich, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams got nominated nothing else really matters. In addition to those three and the other nominations I'll discuss below, I was also really glad about the nominations for Catherine Keener, Paul Giamatti, Tony Kushner and the fact that Scarlett Johansson DIDN’T get nominated for her horrible work in Match Point.
* Just like last year’s Best Album Grammy category, this year’s Best Picture nominees should have been a complete and utter gimme, and yet they went horribly wrong somehow. Based on critical acclaim, popularity, prestige, importance, and that key indefinable intangible “Oscarness” there were exactly four glaringly obvious potential nominees (Brokeback, Munich, King Kong, and Crash (despite the fact its not any good)) and two very similar nominees left to battle for the 5th spot (Walk the Line, Cinderella Man). These nominees would have perfectly covered all the traditional requisite Oscar nominee categories: Sweeping epic love story (Brokeback, King Kong), important message movie (Brokeback, Crash, Munich), serious film by a well-respected director (Munich, Brokeback), little indie that could (Crash), overrated critics darling (Crash), cultural phenomenon (Brokeback), Peter Jackson blockbuster (King Kong), and Walk the Line and Cinderella Man could have duked it out for the “populist feel good hit based on a true story” slot. Oh yeah, and there’s also this: Munich, Brokeback, King Kong, Walk the Line and Cinderella Man were actually (in my opinion) the year’s five best movies. And when is there ever a realistic chance that the five best movies of the year could all get nominated for Best Picture? Well, never. So when that chance comes along of course the Academy doesn’t take it. Instead they fail to nominate King Kong because somehow making ONLY $225 million makes it a flop, Cinderella Man because Russell Crowe threw a phone at some guy, and Walk the Line because they are heartless idiots. Instead they chose to nominate Capote and Good Night and Good Luck. Now granted Capote was a great movie, but its not really Best Picture material and since the inexplicably unstoppable force of nature Crash already had a stranglehold on the “little indie that could” slot, nominating Capote seemed completely redundant. And Good Night and Good Luck reminded me of a Paul McCartney solo album - it sounds great while you’re listening to it, but as soon as it’s done it leaves your consciousness instantly. It has to be one of the slightest trifles of a movie ever to be nominated for Best Picture. It was over before it even got started and didn’t even remotely make me feel any sort of emotion of any kind during its entire ridiculously brief running time. And just for the record, that’s not a very difficult task. Plus it was too arty by half. Two minute long close-ups of people thinking and prolonged shots of empty rooms may get George Clooney a Best Director, but a good movie they do not necessarily make. Someone who wasn’t clearly trying to prove to the world that he was a serious and artistic director could have made the same movie, but much better. Anyway, point is, it should have been an such an easy year to pick the Best Picture nominees that only a group of morons could have screwed up. And so naturally the Academy screwed it up. I guess as long as they didn’t nominate A History of Violence I can live with it though. But boy if you thought last year’s nominees were a mediocre group (and by “you” I mean “me”) this year’s nominees, while slightly better, still make 2003 look like 1939 by comparison.
(Wow I didn’t fully realize how badly I need a life until I just reread that last sentence. Actually now I went back and reread that whole paragraph. Wow.)
* The Mystic River Memorial “Overrated Best Picture Nominee That People Will Watch 15 Years From Now And Think How The Hell Was That Nominated And That Hopefully The People Who Voted For It Will Have To Somehow Try And Explain Why It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time” Award (Try putting that on a trophy): Crash.
When Crash came out I heard people around school and on the Internet raving about Crash and how it was one of the best movies they had seen in a long time. So then, I went to see Crash. All I can say to those people is this - if you thought Crash was one of the best movies you’d seen in a long time not only do I feel very badly for you, but I also would recommend that you start watching better movies. (Unless of course you’re Roger Ebert, in which case you’ve just clearly confirmed the suspicions that you have completely lost your mind). From working at Blockbuster I well know that the average American movie goer only watches horror movies, unfunny “comedies” involving the Wilson brothers, and whatever was number one at the box office its opening weekend, and so the shock of being exposed to something serious like Crash must be overwhelming to their system. Somewhat like finding a carrot in a box of Goobers. (And yes I do realize that might possibly be the worst analogy in the history of recorded time). But nevertheless have we really sunk so low that two dimensional characters, hackneyed ridiculously implausible coincidences, and messages delivered so obviously they would insult the intelligence of a five year old are considered the makings of high art and good entertainment? (see also: A History of Violence; or better yet don’t.) (And if you think I’m anywhere close to being done taking digs at A History of Violence you’re sadly mistaken). And despite Crash’s flaws - even though every character was a two dimensional archetype/stereotype, and even though the movie had already stretched the interlocking storylines thing well past its breaking point – the movie could have still redeemed itself if one change had been made. The real make or break moment was when the kid got shot. At that moment I remember thinking, “oh my god if they kill the kid I forgive this movie all its sins, and if they don’t kill the kid I might seriously considering getting up and walking out”. And of course the kid was saved by some invisible magic cloak they stole from Harry Potter, and in doing so defined the whole movie in a nutshell. The movie takes no chances, says and does nothing new or provocative, and is generally toothless, completely predictable, and utterly implausible. Has our national discourse on controversial subjects really digressed to the level where simply putting characters who are racists in a movie constitutes a provocative examination of racism? If Spike Lee was still around today he would vomit on your face if you tried to tell him Crash was a provocative examination of racism. Either that or heckle you at a Knicks game. The only new thing I learned from Crash about race relations is that no matter what color you are, if you think Crash is a brilliant, groundbreaking movie, then you are an idiot.
(Also worth noting: Crash got nominated for Best Picture and yet it’s not even the best picture this year to feature Chris Bridges. That’s just Ludacris.)
(Also worth noting part 2: When one of the best scenes of your movie involves Ryan Phillippe that should be a sign there’s a problem. And speaking of Ryan Phillippe - can we start taking bets yet on how obnoxious on a scale of 1 to 10 he’s going to be at the Oscars? I’ve got 20 bucks on 9.5.)
* All that being said I do have to give the Academy some credit. They did get the Supporting Actress nominees 100% correct. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
* Now back to you’re regularly scheduled bitching: How the hell was Ray nominated last year and yet Walk the Line wasn’t nominated this year despite the fact that Walk the Line is about 500% better than Ray. Although to be fair to Ray through its incessant airings on HBO it has really kind of grown on me. Plus Richard Schiff is in it! Only with hair on his head on not his on his chin! The first time I realized this might have been one of the most exciting days of my life. It was like the exact opposite of the day I found out Rachel McAdams was 29. And speaking of Ray here’s a little SAT problem for you
Ray : HBO ::
A.) Remember the Titans : TNT
B.) Dave Chappelle - Killin’ Them Softly : Comedy Central’s Secret Stash
C.) Yankeeography : YES Network
D.) All of the above
* The Ethan Hawke “Supporting Actor Nominee Who It Seems Odd To Associate With The Phrase ‘Oscar Nominee’ And Yet It Doesn’t Really Matter Because A Year From Now No One Will Even Remember It Happened” Award – Matt Dillon
Matt Dillon is now officially the luckiest man on earth and if you ask why I say this clearly you are not a connoisseur of the film Wild Things. Although it must be said that Matt Dillon should be disqualified from all future award nominations for being tangentially associated with Entourage. And for once dating Cameron Diaz.
* The Charlize Theron “Who Knew They Could Act” Award – Keira Knightly
I remember walking out of Pride and Prejudice and almost everyone in my family including myself simultaneously saying “wow, Kiera Knightly should be nominated for SOMETHING for that”. And I remember thinking her getting an Oscar nomination could never happen and SHOULD never happen because there were already five such strong leading actress candidates, but yet somehow still wishing there was some way for her to be nominated without knocking one of the other women out. Well unfortunately it didn’t work out that way. Both Gwyneth and Joan Allen wound up getting snubbed for her to get in, and I’m conflicted as to how I feel about that. One the one hand they were both much better than her. But on the other hand, when you feel you like you discovered a performance yourself and were saying it deserved a nomination before that even seemed like a plausible idea to anyone else, you develop a strong personal rooting interest in that performance and it almost feels like some sort of personal validation now that it is indeed nominated. Its like discovering a hip new band six months before anyone else and then being able to say “I was listening to them six months ago” when everyone else starts to find out about them. And clearly I have lost all skill with metaphors. Anyway, point is although I’m still conflicted about it, I am ultimately still glad to see Keira Knightly get an Oscar nomination. It also restores my faith in the system that performances that aren’t heavily hyped by PR machines and the press can still get nominated. Because its one thing to go into a movie knowing, okay Felicity Huffman is a potential Oscar nominee for this role, and it’s a completely other thing to go into a movie with no expectations of anything other than a good time and then when its over thinking “that was just Oscar nomination worthy work” and then that actually coming to pass. So in short, congrats Keira. I had no idea you could act.
* The fact that “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” is nominated for Best Song makes me tremendously happy. And not just because watching them try and deal with the title and lyrics during the telecast will be tremendous fun, but also because it means Three 6 Mafia are now Oscar nominees. And what’s better than that really? Plus it makes me feel good about the Academy that they nominated “Its Hard Out Here For A Pimp” over “Whoop Dat Trick”. (As a side note to the none of you who have seen Hustle and Flow - how does “Whoop Dat Trick” become his hit song when “Its Hard Out Here for a Pimp” is clearly the better song? This bothered me. I hope the filmmakers did that intentionally as a commentary on present day commercial hip hop even though I feel pretty sure they didn’t.) Its also worth noting that I now wish I could somehow retroactively make “its hard out here for a pimp” my high school yearbook quote.
* The Richard Linklater Memorial “Unexpected Yet Exciting and Deserving Screenplay Nominee” Award - Noah Baumbach.
The Squid and the Whale. Now there’s a good movie for ya folks. Extra points for actually unexpectedly incorporating both a squid and a whale. And also for being the best of the Sexually Frank Younger Brother sub-genre that sprung up this year (see also: Thumbsucker and You Me and Everyone We Know)
* Okay, this seems like as good a place as any to mention William Hurt’s nomination. Now granted Supporting Actor this year might be the weakest Oscar category in history. Paul Giamatti gives the only performance in the group that should even be mentioned in the same breath as the word “Oscar”. If I had to come up with five viable worthy nominees this year I honestly couldn’t do it. And believe me, I’ve tried. All that being said though, there is never any excuse to ever nominate William Hurt for ANYTHING. EVER! For any reason! Perhaps they missed the memo but William Hurt is the worst actor in the history of man. William Hurt makes Keanu Reeves look like Laurence Olivier. William Hurt makes Beyonce in the Pink Panther trailers look like Meryl Streep in Sophies Choice. William Hurt makes Jack Black in King Kong look like Jack Black in School of Rock. William Hurt, in short, is a TERRIBLE ACTOR. I wish nothing but harm on William Hurt for bringing such disgrace on not only the profession of acting but also on the speaking of the English language. After seeing William Hurt’s name in the opening credits of Syriana it caused me physical pain that I had unknowingly given money to a William Hurt movie. I will never see Children of a Lesser God just because I know Marlee Matlin was dating William Hurt at the time she was filming it. I really hate William Hurt more than words can describe and yet now he’s nominated (AGAIN) for an Oscar. And to top it off he’s nominated for A History of Violence. The worst movie of the year! And he was the worst thing about it!! And if it seems like I’m remaining even the slightest bit calm about this its only because my therapist has really been intensely helping me over the last week to deal with this issue. Otherwise I would have already lit my face on fire by now. Because that’s what the academy is daring me to do with nominations like this. Okay, its time to go retake my meds again…
(And yes I realize that passionately hating William Hurt is kind of random and a little bizarre but you know what, so is the ending of Donnie Darko. Wait, that didn’t relate to the point I was trying to make at all really. What am I even talking about?…)
* The Judy Dench Saucy Old British Nominee of the Year Award: Judy Dench.
Want to get nominated for an Oscar? Become old and British. Or just become Judy Dench. Because that’s all she had to do in order to get this nomination - simply be herself. As much as I love Judy Dench, you can't honestly say her work in Mrs. Henderson Presents was in any way award worthy. All she did was play “Judy Dench” and she’s played “Judy Dench” much better in previously movies. This year alone I thought she played “Judy Dench” much better in Pride and Prejudice than she did in Mrs. Henderson Presents. But whatever. She’s Judy Dench so you cant be too mad. But in a year when Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof and Joan Allen in The Upside of Anger were both left on the outside looking in, I AM mildly outraged that Judy Dench got nominated for simply AWOAB (Acting While Old And British).
* Like most Americans, I have a good David Strathairn story that I like to tell at parties. A few years ago I went to see a production of A Winters Tale at some Off-Broadway theater downtown. The production was awful and was the genesis of my “if the director’s note in the program is more than a page long, immediately leave the theater and try and get your money back” rule. What made the production particularly awful though was the guy who played Leontes. I had never seen him before in my life and I remember commenting to the people I was with that I couldn’t believe this guy could get any acting job at all, let alone the lead in A Winters Tale. He was so bad it was laughable. In fact I stayed for the second act just so I could make jokes to the people I was with about how bad he was. Of course this being my David Strathairn story it should come as no surprise to find out that I later learned that the man in question was a famous and respected actor named David Strathairn. The same David Strathairn who, even though he was clearly far less deserving than Russell Crowe, Jeff Daniels AND Eric Bana, is now an Oscar nominee. Its times like this that I think its wise that you don’t give a shit about Oscar nominations. And its times like this I think I should choose another hobby instead. Perhaps knitting. Then I could knit a gun. And shoot William Hurt in the face.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) “Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans” (book)
2.) Sufjan Stevens
3.) The Lady in the Water trailer
3 & 1/2.) Sarah Silverman in The Aristocrats
Thought of the Week:
Can some rapper please at some point use the line: “I’m the boss like Tony Danza / the way I spit this stanza”? I’m giving it away free of charge.
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