Working in the admissions office over the summer has taught me many things. For example: there are some jobs that human beings are paid for that could actually in fact be done just as well by trained chimps. Also, there is an entire alternate world out there that I used to live in but now am completely unaware of.
It is called the radio.
Remember the radio? Well, after being forced to listen to it at work every day this summer I hereby present the first in what’s sure to be a reoccurring series of entries entitled…well, see the subject heading above.
*Remember Ma$e (Mase)? Well, if your answer was “no” then you obviously are not a person who I want to know. Ma$e was such an integral figure in my youth and really, its kinda of hard to explain how that happened. Because as far as I could tell he had absolutely no rapping ability. I mean he even made Puffy sound competent. It was hard to really tell though because it was virtually impossible to understand him. Literally. Put a bunch of marbles in your mouth and try rapping and you would be replicating what Ma$e sounded like. Plus the few words that were intelligible usually made no sense. I’m still trying to figure out what “the goldie sound” is or was. Somehow though, he wound up on like every rap hit of the mid 90’s and everyone loved him for some unexplainable reason. Mostly, we were 13. Anyway, he retired several years back to join the ministry, because when you have a dollar sign in your name it seems only fitting you should join the church. But now he’s back and I’m not too happy about it. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s back, but his return has ruined for all times one of the greatest ideas for a song ever and for that reason I am not-so-glad. In case you haven’t heard, his new single is called “Welcome Back” and samples the Welcome Back Kotter theme song. Let that thought sink in for a second. Hear that theme song in your head? An absolutely perfect tune to be sampled by a rap song right? A sample so perfect for a rap song by an artist who has been away for a long time that it's amazing it hasn’t been done before. I mean this is just a genius idea for a comeback song. Imagine if the Beastie Boys had used the idea for a first single from "To the 5 Boroughs". It would have been an all time great single. And that’s just the problem. It’s not. Only someone like Ma$e could take what should have been a no-doubt grand slam and turn it into a bloop single with the runner advancing to second on a throwing error. I mean it’s a decent song and I’m always glad when it comes on, but it’s nowhere near and all time great. And now that Ma$e has used the idea in a song that has achieved a good level of prominence it can’t really ever be used again. And that’s a loss for all of us. And by "all of us" I mean humanity. And yes I do take things a little too seriously…
*Speaking of listening to rap at age 13 is it weird to anyone else that there is now an entire generation of people who will forever associate gangster rap with their junior high years? And that that generation is us? I know I bring this up almost every four days, but I think its worth repeating because I just can’t get over it. I mean when our parents think of junior high they think of the early years of The Beatles, The Beach Boys and Herman’s Hermits. Or at least mine do. When I think of junior high I think of “Hit ‘em Up”, a song in which Tupac claims to have had sex with the wife of a man whom he believed had just ordered hit on his life and then threatens to, among other things, have his “.44 make sure all your kids don’t grow”. And yes I knew all the words. In fact the first song I recall knowing all the words to was “Hypnotize”, which includes the lyrics “Poppa freakin…leave that ass leakin”. I mean “Gangsta’s Paradise”, “Regulators”, and “Keep Their Heads Ringin” are the songs that transport us back to childhood. Am I right about this? I thought so. I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds this fact very…well, interesting, for lack of a better word. Even weirder to think about though, is the fact that 60 years from now there will be an entire generation of 80 year olds for whom not only will hard core gangster rap not seem unacceptable, but who will, in fact, have been raised on it. I mean “Gin and Juice” will one day be an “oldie”. And I’ll hear it at age 82 and think “I remember singing that in the hallways while heading to recess in 5th grade.” And then I’ll most likely shit my pants. Because I will have lost control of my bowels 7 months prior.
*So according to scientists’ best estimates the earth is 4.5 billion years old. That means as of the end of this season there will have been 4.5 billion summers in the history of the planet. And somehow 4,499,999,999 of these summers have managed to exist without the song “Heaven” by the Los Lonely Boys. I’m not exactly sure how this was possible. I mean that song is what summer was invented for. Hell, it’s what RADIO was invented for. And although I’m sure it would sound good coming through your speakers at any time of year, it and summer just seem to go together like Beyonce’s face and my fist. And now that they have found each other, neither will ever be the same.
*I’m not actually “from the streets” so I don’t know these things, but does Nelly have even an ounce street cred left? I mean no one actually still takes this guy seriously right? People in “the hood” talk about he’s about as “gangster” as Usher right? Please tell me I’m right about this. If you yourself are “from the streets” fill me in on this issue. I need to know these things…
*There should be a law against covering songs which are less than five years old. There should also be a law against Jessica Simpson. Either one of these laws would have prevented her cover of Robbie Williams’ “Angels” from ever happening. That girl has never met a note she couldn't turn into five separate notes with unintentionally hilarious results. Somewhere Mariah Carey is rolling over in her grave. Wait…what? You mean she’s not actually dead? Oh…
No comments:
Post a Comment