Two fredtheonlinejournal entries in one week?!? That can only mean one thing. It must be award season! Indeed it is. What summer or football season are to normal well adjusted people, awards season is to me. It kicks off with the Golden Globes and runs til the Oscars including the Oscar nominations, guild awards and even the Grammys thrown in in between. But since all of that is in the future, a future that includes two more months and literally thousands of words typed, lets instead focus on what happened this past Monday night- The Golden Globes. The awards show where the results don’t matter and everyone is drunk. And celebrities drinking and then giving speeches is always a recipe for fun. Speaking of fun, here were my thoughts had while watching the show:
*The Golden Globes- the one night a year NBC is actually still relevant.
(Hard to believe what has happened to the network of my youth. Sad really. If you had told me ten years ago that NBC would be in 4th place and the butt of punch lines I would have never believed you.)
*As I’m sure I explained last year, The Golden Globes are only important in the impact they have on that year's Oscar race. After the Oscars have been awarded, no one will care or even remember who won the Golden Globes. But until the Oscars are awarded, those who won the Golden Globes are declared Oscar front-runners or at least have their chances of winning an Oscar significantly improved. So while the Golden Globes are of utmost importance now, three months of now they will be almost completely irrelevant. It’s like winning your division in baseball; it’s important when it happens but after the World Series it really doesn’t matter who won their division. The other way The Golden Globes matter is the speeches. It gives the Oscar locks a chance to work on their speech giving, and gives those still vying for an Oscar a chance to either help or hurt their cause with their speech. For example, last year Jamie Foxx wrapped up his Oscar with his Golden Globes speech and Annette Being killed off whatever chance she had with hers. So that’s my Golden Globes spiel.
*On that note: good speech there George Clooney. Too bad there’s no way in hell your winning Best Supporting Actor at the Oscars. Actually its not too bad, because well, lets face it, you don’t deserve it. But more on that at a later date.
(And just for the record I’m not too worried about my Oscar favorites in the supporting categories, Paul Giamatti and Amy Adams, because the Globes are notoriously off in predicting the supporting actor/actress races. So I wont lose too much sleep over the fact Rachel Weisz and George Clooney just won. And by “too much” I mean “more than 5 hours”.)
*Top 3 & 1/2 Acceptance Speeches:
1.) Geena Davis
2.) George Clooney
3.) Steve Carrell
3 & 1/2.) Hugh Laurie
*I don’t know anything about hair or makeup or fashion but I do know something about looking like shit, and Rachel Weisz, you look like shit. And Drew Barrymore…well I think that pretty goes without saying…
*If you’re ever onstage presenting an award, don’t clap after your partner announces each nominee. Also don’t be Jessica Alba.
*A short play:
“Person 1: Which one of the nominees won best supporting actress?
Person 2: Sandra.
Person 1: Oh.”
*A short letter:
Dear cast of Sideways,
Who’s the one with a major acting award now bitches?
Love,
Sandra Oh
*Are we sure that Nicolette Sheridan isn’t a man? Is it true that she’s dating Michel Bolton? Does that fact, if its true, make it more or less likely that she is in fact a man?
*Is there anyone alive besides me that remembers that Geena Davis won an Oscar once? How is it possible to allow people to completely forget that fact? Her publicist must suck worse than Tom Cruise’s sister.
*I hope that in addition to his win this year, Hugh Laurie wins at least the next two years in a row as well so in three years I can start making the joke “House always wins”. Seems like a long time to wait just for a joke, but then again…well…ummm…okay when I cant even come up with a punch line for THIS joke, clearly I’m pretty desperate.
*At awards show where it is has been clearly established that everyone there is drunk is there a more exciting phrase in the English language to hear than “Coming up next – Mariah Carey and Harrison Ford”?
*I for one cant believe that “Mambo #9” has been rewritten for use in an Applebee’s commercial. First Cadillac uses Led Zeppelin, and now this? Is nothing sacred anymore? Lou Bega Jr. must be rolling over in his grave.
*Harrison Ford: proving that you CAN look uncool while wearing an earring.
(And while we’re on the subject why has more not been made about the fact that Harrison Ford has in the last ten years gone from the biggest movie star in the world to a doddering nearly catatonic old man who seems to be completely and utterly bat-shit insane?)
*Okay, who let Penelope Cruz present again? Seriously, with the money Tom Cruise gave her to date him, can’t she buy some English lessons? Or some not looking like Paz Vega lessons?
*The Hispanic guy who won for scoring Brokeback Mountain said “Focus” in such a way that it sounded like he said “fuck us”. I laughed.
*Mandy Moore! (Just thought it was worth saying.) (As a side note: Zach Braff must die.)
*If you were to tell me that Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die as research for playing Johnny Cash, I wouldn’t even be remotely surprised. In fact if you were to tell me Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die just because he felt like it, I wouldn’t be surprised either. And just for the record I have never ever said anything bad about Joaquin Phoenix ever. So if he asks you if I did, well, I didn’t. Please don’t eat my children Mr. Phoenix.
*Okay Ryan Phillippe, this is not The Ryan Phillippe Show, please stop trying to talk to people while they are giving their acceptance speech and please stop literally hanging on your wife in order to ensure that you’ll be seen on TV. We all know you cant handle the fact that your wife is a famous award winning movie star while you have yet to learn how to properly speak the English language, but get over it already. And we all also know the only reason you came all the way from Toronto to be there is because you wanted to be on TV and because your marriage counselor suggested you be there. So will you sit down now please? Thank you.
*Why isn’t more made about the fact that post-divorce Dennis Quaid’s career has skyrocketed while Meg Ryan has dropped off the face of the earth? This seems like a big and relatively interesting story to me and yet this fact is never mentioned. Why is this?
*It’s getting late in the show now and still no sign of Meryl Streep. This really can’t be! There cant be a Golden Globes without drunken Meryl Streep! That would be like having the Vibe Awards without gang-related gun violence. All year I look forward to Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance. Its always one of the highlights of the year and just the memory of it will keep my heart warm throughout the cold winter months that follow.
And you think I’m joking….
(And it’s not just me either. I called to my Mom the next day and the first thing she said when she answered the phone was ”where was drunken Meryl Streep?” So apparently drunken Meryl Streep is like a “thing” in my family. This explains so much about me…)
*I like how they made Felicity Huffman move tables after the TV awards were done, so that when she won for Transamerica she wasn’t stuck back with the lowly Desperate Housewifes women but instead was up with the movie stars. Then again she’s probably about two seconds away from getting Terri Hatcher to buy her a gun from Radio Shack and using it to shoot the whole lot of them. Or at least I hope she is. (As a side note: Is it humanly possible to dislike Felicity Huffman? I don’t think it is. I mean she’s just so likeable. And to top it off she’s married to William H. Macy.)
*And in closing, I think if I’m writing about this years Golden Globes I’m required by law to mention Scarlett Johnason’s dress. So there I mentioned it. Now can we all move on already? Jeeze, you people act like its 2003 or something…
Top 3 & 1/2 Sayings of the Week That I Don’t Think Will Catch On But That I Wish Would:
1.) “That’s shadier than taking guitar lessons from Dan Smith.”
2.) “That’s shorter than your moms penis.”
3.) “That’s less subtle than A History of Violence.”
3 & 1/2.) “That’s gayer than Bill O’Reilly.”
Thought of the Week:
I wish Id written this first:
http://www.fametracker.com/fame_audit/infangelina.shtml
Friday, January 20, 2006
Saturday, January 14, 2006
(Jed) Bartlet's Familar Quotations
Warning: If you’ve ever read an article on the journal and thought: wow that was way too long, then save yourself the trouble and stop reading right now. If you do choose to continue just check your schedule first and make sure you’ve got nothing else on your agenda for this week. Because it was 15 pages single-spaced in Microsoft Word. And if you think I was able to do an even remotely thorough job proofreading it then you are sadly mistaken. Consider yourself warned.
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“Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions; we should be talking about a permanent revolution.”
-Sam Seaborn, The West Wing
When attempting to talk about The West Wing I don’t even know where to begin. Which is a sign that bodes well for the next 15 pages I’m sure. But nevertheless it’s true. I guess maybe a thesis would help. Or a topic sentence. That’s always how they taught me to begin in school. So okay Ill try that.
“The West Wing is the greatest drama in the history of television.”
There. I would say television “program” but trying to compare it to Seinfeld seems like an apples and oranges sort of thing. Still the greatest drama in the history of television is a pretty strong claim. But it’s true. Now of course there are many, many shows I’ve never seen before that I’m sure are quite good. But I can assure you they are not as good as The West Wing. And true I’ve only seen the first two seasons of The West Wing so that might seem like a small sample size to base that claim on, but you know what, I could have made that claim after two episodes, and that feeling only grows the more episodes I watch. Because The West Wing is brilliant, revolutionary, life changing, and damn addictive too. It’s like crack for people who love smart, quality entertainment. It is the reason why TV shouldn’t be on DVD. Because then you start off your day sitting down to watch one, and only one, episode over breakfast and then find yourself 12 hours later still in front of your TV covered in crumbs and beer stains screaming obscenities at John Hoynes. And by “you” I don’t mean “you” as much as I mean “me”.
But sure there are other shows that are as addictive and compelling. I hear people all the time talking about having Lost or 24 or Six Feet Under marathons. Hell, sometimes I find it hard to tear myself away from VH1’s “40 Most Awesomely Bad Break Up Songs”. So what makes The West Wing better than all those shows? Well for one it’s about something more important – the inner workings of the government of the most powerful country in the world: our country.
Most any other drama is about love and lust and relationships of all kinds between other people. Some shows are even about life and death both of their characters and the people their characters affect. Well The West Wing is all of those things as well, but the people its characters affect happen to be every person on the face of the planet. And sure shows like Alias and 24 are ostensibly about saving the world from destruction, but those shows are so far removed from reality that they serve pretty much only as entertainment. Well The West Wing is entertaining as well, and yet it also informs the way we view perhaps the most important of real world institutions – our government. I now view real world events through a different prism and have greater insight into why things might happen they way they do in regards to politics because of The West Wing. A show that entertains, educates, and involves both the lives and loves of a large cast of fascinating characters but also the fate of the free world – sounds like a recipe for the greatest show in the history of TV to me. But as Commander and Chief has proven it takes more than just a good recipe to create a show like The West Wing. It takes great acting, great writing, great intelligence, great creativity, and great genius. And The West Wing has all those things in spades. It also has huge balls.
It takes real sides on real issues and really attempts to address actual real life public policy. It’s not only extremely relevant but startlingly ahead of its time. Gay marriage, terrorism, and privatization of social security were all dealt with on the show way back in 2000. And I still think their idea of having the government offering to pay for the tuition of people who agree to become teachers at inner city school much like they do with people who agree to enter the military is realistically viable public policy that should be actually pursued.
But its not just its subject matter and the stories it chooses to tell, but what really pushes it into the level of art is the way it tells those stories. And I think the best way to see how brilliant its story telling is is to attempt to contrast it to other shows I would consider great. And that doesn’t include “Commander and Chief”. But it does include “Grey’s Anatomy”.
See I’ve recently started watching “Grey’s Anatomy”. It’s a great show and I’m definitely a big fan now, but when I watch it I’m always reminded how head and shoulders above everything else The West Wing truly is. Watch The West Wing and then go watch any other show and you’ll be struck by the same thing. That’s because other shows seem bound by all the television conventions – something big has to happen leading into every commercial break, there’s an abundance of voice over narration, and most glaringly of all, there’s always an A story and a B story. This of course means that there’s a main story line but that then there’s also a secondary storyline to give the other characters something to do as well. Watch an episode from the last four seasons of “Friends” and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. But its not just “Friends” - every single show does this. Except for The West Wing. Sometimes when you think something is the B story line it turns out four episodes later that was the A story line or that there were four A storylines going at once and it was merely one of them trying to disguise itself as a B storyline. But nothing on the show is ever nothing. The show is adherent to its continuum like no show before or since, with the possible exception of “24”. It never introduces storylines it doesn’t intend to finish, and this makes it the perfect show for the TV on DVD era. Other shows, like “Freaks and Geeks” for example, introduce storylines for an episode and then completely drop them the next episode or act like they never happened. And when you watch a show only once every week, that’s fine because you don’t remember every little thing that happens from week to week. But when you watch a show on DVD it becomes frustrating and seems like bad writing if you’re left wondering things like “what happened to that girl Ken was dating last episode” or “wasn’t Lindsay supposed to be grounded for like a month?” (questions I had while watching the entire series of “Freaks and Geeks” over a three day span). This rarely happens with The West Wing though. Although it sometimes has too many storylines going at once to keep them all going every episode, it always comes back to things. And if something happens it has ramifications on all of the episodes that follow. Nothing is every just permanently dropped, and nothing is ever just done for a reason like the writers felt like in this episode it would be cool if Sam tried to learn how to ride a horse. There’s a purpose behind everything that happens on the show. Which means everything is something and that you never know what that something might ultimately be.
The show also generally avoids the TV convention of sensationalism. If you remove the shooting storyline (which seemed laughably out of place to begin with) the show over its first two seasons never seems liked it was pulling any ratings ploys or “must see events” like nearly every other show does. And even the shooting episode demonstrated how the show focuses more on its characters and great storytelling than it does on creating sensational must see events. I mean the show did two episodes about someone shooting at the president and over half of both episodes was devoted not to the shooting but to how the people who were shot at first met. The president was shot by a would be assassin and yet the show is constructed as such that we the viewers are much more interested in learning how Josh Lyman joined his campaign that in whether or not he’ll live or die. That my friends, is the mark of a revolutionary TV show that’s at the top of its game. Nothing makes that more clear than this fact though - they did six whole episodes almost exclusively devoted a character revealing he has an obscure non-fatal disease and they were some of the most compelling episodes in the history of television. Really stop and think about what a remarkable unprecedented achievement that is. It’s pretty fucking remarkable.
(Everyone talks about how The Sopranos revolutionized TV because they could cuss, have nudity, and explicit violence, well try and tell me that they could do six episodes about Tony revealing to everyone that he has Crohn’s disease without the show resorting to sex, drugs, or violence to up the entertainment value. Try telling me that because then I would have the opportunity to call you a liar. And I would relish that opportunity. So while The Sopranos is good show and all, if you’re going to even try and make a case that it is a better, more artistically relevant show than The West Wing, then you can go sell that somewhere else, cuz this store already has all the bullshit it can afford.)
What makes an achievement like that possible is obviously the people involved in the show. Both the real people who make the show, and the fictional characters that inhabit it. And so for that reason, and because I’m a compulsive list maker, I feel it is necessary to rank the seventeen people who played the biggest part in season two of The West Wing from worst to best. And when I say worst, I don’t mean it as a bad thing, I just mean SOMEONE has to be last. And when I say best, I mean the eternal lord and savior of all things good and holy who makes all morals tremble with ecstasy merely to stand in his presence. And somehow that just managed to be both the most religious and the gayest sentence I think I’ve ever written. So on that note, let the ranking begin.
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Honorable Mention: This isn’t a person so much as its an episode so that’s why its only honorable mention, but if you don’t ever listen to another thing recommend, if you don’t care about any other movie or song or show I choose to promote in here, fine. Just please watch “Two Cathedrals”, the final episode of season 2. Because that my friends is how you do a TV show. It shows that every other TV show is just second rate.
(And yes I know that “Noel” is generally considered the best episode of season two, and no offense to Yo-Yo Ma, but I like “Two Cathedrals” better. And I think what makes “Two Cathedrals” so great is that despite the fact its grandiosity is somewhat out of character for the series, never before has a series earned an episode that grandiose more than The West Wing earned “Two Cathedrals”.)
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17.) Zoey Bartlet - How could Martin Sheen possibly produce a child that boring, uninspiring, and unable to act? I don’t buy it for a moment. What was her audition for the part like? Were they looking for someone who could be as boring as humanly possible?. Were they impressed by her monologue, which revealed her emotional range to be stunningly limited and/or non-existent? Were they won over by the fact that she wasn’t believable as a human being and possessed absolutely no chemistry with Dule Hill? And since we’re on the subject, are Zoey and Charlie’s dates the most boring dates in the history of man? Do they just stare blankly at each other while speaking sweet nothings in their own respective dull colorless monotone? And while Zoey does provide hope that I too could be on the West Wing, and so could my dead grandmother for that matter, at the same time, I kind of wish she had been killed or at least seriously wounded in the shooting. (And now I am going straight to hell. I don’t even get to pass Go and collect my $200.)
(And while we’re here can we mention her personal secret service agent for a moment? I mean the woman looks just like a poor man’s Hilary Swank. And just for the record any man poorer than Chad Lowe is REALLY poor.)
“President Josiah Bartlet: You know, Zoey is starting Georgetown in two weeks, I was thinking about getting her "The Nature of Things," translated from the Latin of Titus Lucretius Karas. What do you think?
Charlie Young: I think she would like that better than a new stereo, sir.”
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16.) Charlie Young - Dule Hill seems like a nice kid (and by “kid” I mean “31 year old”) and nothing against him personally, but he can’t act. And his character is boring and woefully underdeveloped. And yet he was somehow nominated for an Emmy. For what? Staring off into space vacantly? Speaking all of his lines in a dull monotone that could lull a hyperactive ten year old to sleep? Keeping his face so expressionless at all times we wonder if he the result of some botox experiment gone horribly wrong. I mean his facial expressions make Clint Eastwood seem like Jim Carrey. It’s a shame because I like in theory what his character should be. A young outsider who gets placed in the middle of the inner workings of the White House and experiences it, as the audience does, with wide-eyed awe and wonderment. When Charlie was first introduced in season one, Aaron Sorkin seemed like he created the character for just that purpose - to act as a pseudo-audience surrogate. That ended pretty quick though and it now seems more likely that Sorkin suddenly realized that in his fictional Democratically controlled White House he forgot to cast any minorities. And so I can only assume after an exhaustive casting search that must have lasted at least ten minutes they settled on Dule Hill. Now to be fair he’s not terrible, he just brings absolutely nothing to the table. I feel like they could have cast a fichus in his role it could have done just as well. And of course none of this would really bother me, expect for the fact that he was nominated for an Emmy. But since he was, it bothers me.
“Ambassador Ken Cochran: I want to speak to your supervisor.
Charlie Young: My supervisor? Well, I'm personal aide to the President, so right now my supervisor is kinda busy looking for a back door to throw you out of. But I'll let him know.”
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15.) Joey Lucas – Okay I realize that Marlee Matlin is deaf so I cant say anything negative about her, but really, why was she cast? It’s completely unbelievable that Josh is so attracted to her. And is it supposed to be some kind of joke that they cast a deaf person as a pollster? I’m praying that that bit of casting is some sort of very subliminal commentary on the political polling system because if not, then this is just a case of non-traditional casting gone very wrong. I mean I guess I applaud what they’re trying to do in theory, but in practice it just creates too many unbelievable situations and raises too many questions. Like why are they okay with the fact that her interpreter is getting access to top-secret meetings and information? And do the show’s producers have to pay him as much as they pay Marlee since he is the one actually saying the lines? And how would an actor audition for the role of her interpreter? And if you didn’t already know that Marlee Matlin was deaf would the fact that she dated William Hurt make that instantly clear? And most of all if you were going to write a character that Josh Lyman was going to be head over heels attracted to why would you cast an actress who was both UNATTRACTIVE AND DEAF?!? I seriously hate casting directors sometimes. Okay actually scratch that “sometimes” and replace it with “all of the time”.
(Well there goes my career. It was fun while it didn’t last.)
“Joey Lucas: I want to speak to the President!
Josh Lyman: Hey, lunatic lady, trust me when I tell you there is absolutely no way that you are going to see the president.
President Josiah Bartlet: [the President walks through the door] Hey, Josh...”
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14.) VP John Hoynes – Once again I don’t buy this character. I mean what kind of a president would choose as his running mate a sour, unlikable, slightly evil seeming curmudgeon who keeps trying to overstep the bounds of his power? And are we expected to believe that the American people would vote for a ticket that had someone like that on it? I mean come on, that’s a completely ridiculous idea…
“C.J. Cregg: You haven't had a drink since you were 22?
John Hoynes: That's right.
C.J. Cregg: Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped you in the face.
John Hoynes: He did once.”
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13.) Mrs. Landingham – Close your eyes while watching “Two Cathedrals” and I swear you’ll think the young Mrs. Landingham is being played by Ellen DeGeneres. The vocal resemblance is uncanny. Anyway, Mrs. Landingham is a likeable, sweet, but completely inessential character. Although she IS more essential than Leo’s secretary Margaret. I always wonder if the actress who plays Margaret secretly wants to kill Janel Moloney in her sleep.
“Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
Leo McGarry: Well, in your day you could fight off the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm - the grumpy man's wit.
Leo McGarry: Go sharpen a pencil, would you?”
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12.) Abby Bartlet – Remember when Stockard Channing played Rizzo in “Grease” and was the epitome of a cool yet vulnerable and nuanced character? Now it seems hat she’s turned into the very thing Rizzo would have railed against - a nagging wife with a stick up her butt. (Plus I find her AIG commercials strangely disturbing) She’s always telling Jed what he can’t do, trying to boss him around, being overly serious and dramatic all the time, and generally being an irritating old shrew. Well luckily I’m familiar with the works of Shakespeare so I know just how to go about taming a shrew - starve her, don’t let her sleep, and throw pillows at her. Now there’s an episode Id pay to see.
“Abby Bartlet: I have something important to tell you.
President Josiah Bartlet: What is it?
Abby Bartlet: Well I haven’t completely made up my mind yet, but at this point, I’m leaning towards voting for you.”
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11.) Tommy Schlamme – Before I even had seen an episode of The West Wing I already liked it because at the Emmys every year when it would win, they would call out Tommy Schlamme’s name since he’s an executive producer and it would always make me chuckle, because, well, lets face it, it’s a funny name. Not only does his first name rhyme with is last name but his last name sounds like a combination of “schlong” and “salami”. It’s just an award winning name really. Props to Mom and Pop Schlamme for a great job of naming their kid. I mean he’s a great director and all too, and whenever an episode begins and it says “directed by Tommy Schlamme” you know you’re in good hands, but really, its all about his name. Any show where the name W.E. Snuffy Walden is only the SECOND best name involved, you know has to be a good show.
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10.) Toby Ziegler – You know what episode I really like? That one where Toby Ziegler gets all pissed off and indigent about something and alternates between sulking about it and yelling about it. Oh wait…that’s all of the episodes. Look, I love Toby and the show wouldn’t be the same without him and I think Richard Schiff does a great job and deserves his Emmy nominations and all that, but lets face it, Toby is almost exactly the same in every episode, and there’s only so much you want to watch of a unsmiling, humorless, pissed-off guy who mopes around and yells a lot. I know there are people who really like Toby, and that’s fine; he’s just not really my cup of tea. I like mine with a little sugar in it. Which reminds me of a good line I heard the other day at work: “I like my coffee like I like my women - strong, black, and hot.” That might actually be from a movie or something but I’d never heard it before and it made me laugh. Which is more than I can say for Toby Ziegler.
(Sorry about that unnecessary dig there Toby. Much love. Much love.)
“Woman in Bar: You've been a... what do you call it?
Toby Ziegler: Professional political operative.
Woman in Bar: You've been one your whole life?
Toby Ziegler: There was a while there I was in Elementary School.”
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9.) Leo McGarry – Okay here’s where it starts getting hard to rank people. I mean what problem could anyone have with Leo McGarry or John Spencer’s portrayal of him? None that I can think of. He does a great job and has a well written likable character. I don’t know if Leo would ever be anyone’s FAVORITE character, but at the same time I can’t imagine anyone not liking him. He is just a great guy and an indispensable part of the show. Which makes his recent death all the more sad. I’m of course referring to John Spencer’s death, but I guess that’s Leo McGarry’s death too. Which is a fitting statement because rarely have a character and the actor playing him seemed to be so similar. So rest in peace friend. You will be missed.
“Leo McGarry: Do you think that increasing the body count is going to act as a deterrent?
President Josiah Bartlet: You're damn right I do.
Leo McGarry: Well then, you're just as stupid as these people who think that capital punishment will act as a deterrent to drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day-to-day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours, and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne. But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you had better start with me because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you.”
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8.) Ainsley Hayes – Okay here’s where it starts getting REALLY hard. And I know, I know - how could I possibly rank a minor character like Ainsley Hayes above Leo and Toby? And do I realize that she’s a Republican? Yes, yes I do, and as I said, this is where it gets REALLY hard to rank the characters. It’s like asking God to rank his favorite creations. Obviously you’ve got Jesus first and “Everybody Loves Raymond” and Yoko Ono last, but what do you when you get to that shit that falls in the level just below Jesus - like Mother Theresa, the Pope, and hazelnut flavored iced coffee? I mean it just becomes too hard to rank them because they’re all about equal. Well that’s how the list is from here until slot #1, so I don’t wanna hear any of your lip. Anyway, back to the issue at hand - I love Ainsley Hayes. While she may just barely miss my Favorite Female TV Characters List (see #4), I do have to say that if I ever started a band I would seriously consider naming it “Ainsley Hayes”. But then again I used to want to name my hypothetical band “Black Pudding and the Centaurs” so what do I know? But point is if I ever had to have sex with a Republican I would totally want it to be Ainsley Hayes. Her character is incredibly likeable and sympathetic and serves the role Charlie Young should have served, of the pseudo audience stand in, who comes in to the world of the West Wing as a wide-eyed outsider, with a sense of awe about her surroundings. We take her journey with her rather than being thrown in to the middle of her journey like the rest of the characters. For this reason she is in many ways the character we feel most sympathetic toward and root the hardest for. And that’s what makes the fact that she’s a Republican so genius and ballsy. I mean the famously liberal creator of the show introduced a conservative character to a very politically liberal show and environment and not only didn’t vilify her or make her one dimensional, but he made her extremely likeable, intelligent, and let her raise a lot of good points and present good ideas. I mean a lot of what she says makes sense and her presence on the show has done more than anything I can think of, other than being born in Texas, to really humanize the “other side”, if you will, and see things through “their” eyes. A fictional TV character who helps you to better understand the real world and gives voice and humanity to an entire massive segment of the population – I’d say that’s a TV character we can all get behind. Now buy our debut CD “Office in the Steamroom”
“Ainsley Hayes: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.”
“Ainsley Hayes: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that to erase the humiliation that I have brought upon myself and my father.
Sam Seaborn: You're just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?”
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7.) C.J. Cregg –
“C.J. Cregg: The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.”
I have decided that White House Press Secretary is officially the hardest job in the entire world. (Well with the possible exception of Tara Reid’s publicist.) And I can’t imagine anyone real or fictional doing the job better than C.J. Cregg, even though her last name looks nothing like it sounds, which is especially strange considering it’s a made up name, but whatever. Watching C.J. do her job so masterfully makes me want to watch actual White House press conferences, as painful as that may sound. How in the world press secretaries are expected to know everything about everything and be one step ahead of an entire room full of reporters is beyond me. And how they navigate the potential minefield that is the question and answer session that accompanies most press briefings seems like a super human feat. And yet C.J. Cregg does it every episode with equal amounts of intelligence, power, humor, and dare I say, style. True it may be Sorkin’s writing that does it, but it’s Allison Janney who pulls it off so brilliantly. So huzzah I say to you Allison Janney. Go have yourself an Emmy or four.
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6.) Danny Concannon – Speaking of the White House Press Corps…hey look who it is! It’s Danny Concannon! My favorite part of watching any new episode for the first time is those few moments after the opening credits when they list that episode’s guest stars when I get to hope desperately to see Timothy Busfield’s name listed. But alas, all too frequently his name does not come. Which is really a shame because they should use him WAY more than they do. And I know it’s hard to have something every episode for a random journalist to do that would involve the inner workings of the White House, but still. They should at least have him ask a question at every press briefing, even if it was something simple. Which raises the question, why is he not at every White House press briefing? In fact why is only at about a fourth of them at best? The fact that I even noticed this and that I care about it brings us to one of the main things that separates good TV shows from GREAT ones- and that is this: you care so much about the characters you want to know what they are doing in the scenes that they aren’t in. This is the mark of a great TV show and since The West Wing is the greatest of TV shows, it makes sense then that I would want to know what is keeping Danny Concannon from being at all the press briefings. You get so invested in characters like Danny that you start thinking about them like real people. You believe them so completely that you start imagining what they might be doing when they are not on screen. They are so alive you want to follow them around 24 hours a day, see their homes or apartments, watch TV with them, and find out where they go on their lunch break. You wonder why Danny isn’t at every briefing, or what Ainsley is doing in the episodes she’s not in, or what ever happened to Mandy from season one even though you never even liked her in the first place, even though as a fellow Marymount graduate you think you’re like required by law to like her or something like that. And of all the charcters and storylines that “you” want to know more about first among them is “what ever happened to Danny and C.J.”? Are they going to get together or what? Does she like him? She totally does doesn’t she? And these last few sentences seem like they were written by an eighth grader don’t they? Well that’s what this show turns me into, a prying, nosy, gossipy eighth-grader. Only now the kids that I’m gossiping about shape the public policy of the most powerful government on the planet, rather than you know, the public policy of the cool table in the cafeteria. But seriously though, Danny and C.J. should hook up because Danny is like the best minor character on a TV show ever. And I do mean EVER. And seriously what single woman would ever NOT jump at the chance to be with the first random guy who seemed even remotely interested in being her boyfriend? No woman I’ve ever met…
“C.J. Cregg: When you flirt with me, are you doing it to get a story?
Danny Concannon: No.
C.J. Cregg: Then why are you doing it?
Danny Concannon: I'm doing it to flirt with you.”
(Speaking of characters’ love lives on the show, I just got done watching the first episode of season three - the episode written directly as a response to 9/11- and I think Janel Moloney’s closing line at the end of the opening monologue of the show demonstrates exactly why The West Wing is just on a different level than anything else. The monologue is the actors directly addressing the camera as themselves talking about 9/11 and how tonight’s episode is a response to it and how it doesn’t fit in it with the shows continuum, but that they will get back to the show’s regular storylines the next week. Then they start listing all of the serious issues that the show will be addressing when the new season begins – health care reform, battling big tobacco, the president’s case of MS, war with Haiti, etc., - and then for the last line Janel Moloney appears for the first time and says with a why smile, “and I get a boyfriend”. And then fade to black and the episode begins. If you don’t get why that’s great writing then I can’t explain it to you, but just trust me, it is.
Okay I’m done now.)
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5.) Sam Seaborn – In the history of bad showbiz decisions has there ever been a worse one than Rob Lowe’s decision to leave The West Wing? Before The West Wing, Rob Lowe was a washed up sleazy-seeming former brat packer best known for making a sex tape with two young girls. On The West Wing he was a charming, intelligent, nice guy who was eminently watchable and exceedingly likeable. Post West Wing…well I dunno...is he even still alive? Why the hell if you had a great part on the best show in the history of TV - a show that took a chance even casting you and saved your career from complete oblivion - would you ever even consider leaving that show? His agent must be worse than Bob Sugar to let him do stupid shit like that. And since I haven’t seen season four yet, I have yet to see Will Bailey, his replacement. But while I’m sure Will Bailey is a nice guy and all, he ain’t no Sam Seaborn I can tell you that much. As much as Jed may be the show’s main character, Sam and Josh are its lifeblood. My feelings on even continuing to watch it post Sam’s departure are mixed at best. But his departure coincidentally coincides with Aaron Sorkin’s departure, which brings my desire to watch past season four down from “mixed at best” to “pretty much aint gonna happen”.
“Sam Seaborn: Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I am a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out The Times is publishing a poll that says that a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that is not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard are fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean, while the governor of Florida wants to blockade the port of Miami. A good friend of mine is about to get fired for going on television and making sense. And it turns out that I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now, would you please in the name of compassion tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?
Mallory O'Brian: That would be me.
Sam Seaborn: ...This is bad on so many levels...”
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4.) Donna Moss- Okay I mentioned it a few items back so here it is:
My Top 3 & 1/2 Favorite Female TV Characters of All Time
(As of this moment)
1.) Lindsay Weir – “Freaks and Geeks”
2.) Donna Moss – “The West Wing”
3.) Izzie Stevens – “Grey’s Antomy”
3 & 1/2.) Rachel Green – “Friends”
Now she may not be number one, but number two is nothing to sneeze at and also there’s no way anyone will ever beat Lindsay Weir so really number two is the best any fictional character can hope for (but that’s a whole ‘nother column). I love everything about Donna Moss. Her name. The way she exudes vulnerable intelligence. The way she seems tailor made for Sorkin’s dialogue. And the fact she wasn’t even supposed to be a regular but Bradley Whitford pointed out to Aaron Sorkin what natural chemistry she had with his character and he agreed and made her a regular. And they were 100% right. Josh and Donna’s chemistry is off the charts. Other than the writing you could make a case that it’s the best part about the whole show. You really get the sense that if you ever saw Janel Moloney and Bradley Whitford hanging out together in real life you know exactly what their relationship would be like. And based on evidence presented in the episode commentaries, you wouldn’t be wrong. The only problem with making Janel Moloney an official regular cast member in season two is that occasionally it would feel like she was being forced into episodes she didn’t really belong in but because of her contract they had to find something for her to do in every episode. But why quibble. While I find it hard to believe you could ever base a whole episode around Donna Moss, I also find it hard to believe that one could ever have too much of her. Especially if she was always paired with Josh. I think America could watch them banter all day. And as great as Danny and C.J.’s non-relationship is, Josh and Donna’s is even better. The way it’s handled, or better yet, not handled, is perfect. It’s like “Lost in Translation” before there was a “Lost in Translation”. And outside of the Huxtables there isn’t a more watchable, likeable, or believable male-female pair on TV that I can think of. And all of this of course leads to possibly my all time favorite dialogue exchanges from any medium:
“Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.”
(You have to see her say it and know the context, but still…fucking great writing. Oh that Aaron Sorkin…But much more on him later.)
(Speaking of “Lost in Translation”, is Scarlett Johanson’s performance in “Match Point” her “jump the shark” moment. Has the phrase “jump the shark”, itself jumped the shark? What am I even talking about?)
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3.) Josh Lyman- There’s a fine yet subtle difference between “favorite” and “best”. For example, I thought “Munich” was this year’s best movie but I would say “Walk the Line” was my favorite movie of the year. That’s relevant here because while Jed Bartlet may be the “best” character Josh Lyman is definitely my favorite. If I could be any fictional character or play any part other than Lloyd Dobler in “Say Anything” I think I would want to be Josh Lyman. Except I wouldn’t because there’s no way I could be anywhere close to even 1/100th as good as Bradley Whitford. And I wouldn’t want to deprive the world and myself of Bradley Whitford’s work as Josh. I would also say I would love to hang out with Josh but then again I think I would be way too intimated and there’s no way I could ever keep up with his caustic wit and awe inspiring intellect. If someday the world was inverted and suddenly slightly dorky intellectuals were the epitome of cool then Josh Lyman would be James Dean, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp all rolled into one. Coolness would ooze from his every pore and people would make pilgrimages of hundreds of thousands of miles just to even catch half of glimpse of him in hopes of gaining even a smidgen of a portion of a fraction of his coolness. And I would lead these pilgrims and we would travel to his temple and bow down at his feet and worship his gifts for witty sarcastic banter, perfectly phrased dialogue, neurotic nebbish confidence, and passionate idealism. Plus I’d totally do his secretary.
“Josh Lyman: Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, victory is mine.
Donna Moss: Good morning, Josh.
Josh Lyman: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
Donna Moss: It's going to be an unbearable day.”
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2.) Jed Bartlet-
“President Josiah Bartlet: I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.”
What makes The West Wing important and relevant is its subject matter. What makes it great is its writing and what its actors do with that writing. What truly makes it transcendent though, the way it reaches our hearts, our souls, and inspires immeasurable passion in its fans and supporters, is the same quality its shares with all great art – it not only makes us feel its humanity and passion, but it offers us hope and takes us to a magical dream-like place that is yet grounded enough in our own reality to seem possible and real. And all of these qualities are captured perfectly by Martin Sheen as president Jed Bartlet. Regardless of your party affiliation of political beliefs he’s the president we all wish we could have yet never will – smart, decisive, passionate, idealistic, a great orator, oozing leadership from his every pore, strong yet relatable and human, and most importantly, endlessly inspiring. It’s the show’s great strength that you could make similar statements about nearly all its characters, but definitely none more so than the president himself. That’s why its unbelievable to me that Martin Sheen was originally only supposed to appear in the pilot and nothing else. I can’t possibly imagine the show working without him. And how fucking James Gandolfini has ever beaten him in any awards ceremony let alone nearly all of them is so beyond me I cant even begin to comprehend. Watch Martin Sheen in literally any episode and it’s like getting a master class in acting. And if either of his two big speeches in “Two Cathedrals” weren’t some of the best TV acting in history then I don’t know what is. It’s so good yet so seemingly effortless that it barely seems like acting at all. Which is what makes his character and the show as a whole seem so much like reality. And it gives us the fantasy, the illusion, the hope, that this is how our government really works, this is how our president is, or at least what he can be someday. Because Jed Bartlet represents all that is good and right and beautiful about America, and about humanity. And so too does The West Wing.
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1.) Aaron Sorkin- Which brings us to its creator. Perhaps you’ve been noticing how I’ve been including quotes either from or about each character. Then again perhaps you’re illiterate. The quotes themselves aren’t really that important. Truth be told, I found most of them on imdb. But while the actual quotes I’ve chosen may not be important in and of themselves, they are collectively of the utmost importance for what they represent. And what they represent is a writing sample of the greatest television writer in the history of the medium. I’ve never seen Sports Night and his new pilot script about an SNL like late night show is generating massive buzz in Hollywood, but obviously I have yet to see that as well. So it might seem like overstatement to declare Aaron Sorkin the greatest TV writer of all time based on two season of one show. But if you’ve actually seen those two seasons of that one show you would know that NOT declaring him the greatest TV writer of all time would be the crazier thing to do. For all its information, for all its inspiration, for all its power and passion and entertainment value at its core it’s all about the writing. And not just the dialogue, and not just the way the dialogue is structured, and not just what the actors do with it, and not just the plot structure and the stories the words are used to tell, but all of it. Every last aspect of the writing and what is done with the writing is brilliant and it is why more than anything else The West Wing is hands down bar none, the greatest most important television drama of all time. And its all Aaron Sorkin’s doing.
If you go back and watch other things Sorkin has scripted like “A Few Good Men” and “The American President” (particularly interesting to watch if you’re a West Wing fan) you immediately notice that his dialogue is immediately identifiable and uniquely his own. If I fell into a coma for five years and in that five years Aaron Sorkin wrote something else and then it was shown to me when I awoke, I could identify it as Sorkin’s writing in under three minutes. It’s that distinctive. The words have a rhythm and structure to them so that they sound just like the way people really talk, yet somehow better. Its like what David Mamet tries to do but fails miserably at. (And yes I just called Aaron Sorkin a better writer than David Mamet. Get over it.) The most noticeable aspects of Sorkin’s dialogue though is its fast pace and how stunningly literate and articulate it is. Whether the fast pace is a result of, or merely reflective of, the dialogue’s intelligence is debatable, but what it does for sure is make the dialogue seem even more clever and articulate than it already is. Somehow people speaking clipped dialogue at a breakneck speed makes them seem not only intelligent, but also confident and very, very cool. Sorkin’s characters are all hyper-articulate and always know what to say. They never, even for a second, search for the right words. The right words are always right there on the tip of their tongue the exact moment they need them. They are able to instantly spout out any statistic or quote verbatim long passages of obscure laws whenever they need to. They know everything about everything and can speak at length about any of it. All of their opinions are well reasoned and perfectly phrased. They are endless clever, witty, sarcastic and can do banter like a Mamet character can do expletives. And it’s a testament to all the actors on the show that they can pull all of this off not only without seeming pretentious, or annoying, but more importantly that they can pull it off period. You never once stop to think, “there’s no way they could have known that off the top of their head” or, “there’s no way anyone could come up with a comeback that good that quickly”. It’s the selling of that illusion, that dream, that fantasy that more than anything else is what keeps me coming back for more. Sure the dream of an inspiring president, an idealistic passionate White House staff, and a government that supports and represents the best of the American ideal is something to hope for, but really I would give all that up for the chance to be able to actually talk like a Sorkin character in real life. And I think everyone who watches the show would either secretly or not so secretly agree. And that’s why Aaron Sorkin is unquestionably, indisputably, the best part about The West Wing. And why if I found a magic genie who could grant me one wish no matter how implausible or fantastical, I would want Aaron Sorkin to write my life. Because real life conversations and dialogue and situations are so much less exciting than they are on The West Wing. And that, ultimately, is the show’s greatest virtue. Sorkin himself once wrote a line accusing us (and Tom Cruise) of not being able to handle the truth. Well I can’t speak for us all, but I know that I for one CAN handle the truth; but Id just much prefer to handle The West Wing.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The National Champion Texas Longhorns!
2.) Lindsey Weir (Linda Cardellini) on "Freaks and Geeks"
3.) "Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans" (book)
3 & 1/2.) Dutchwest:
new column- http://dutchwestoven.blogspot.com/2005/12/andy-stokan-best-song-ive-ever-come.html
and my sketch acting debut- http://www.dutchwest.tv/webisodes/w15.html
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“Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions; we should be talking about a permanent revolution.”
-Sam Seaborn, The West Wing
When attempting to talk about The West Wing I don’t even know where to begin. Which is a sign that bodes well for the next 15 pages I’m sure. But nevertheless it’s true. I guess maybe a thesis would help. Or a topic sentence. That’s always how they taught me to begin in school. So okay Ill try that.
“The West Wing is the greatest drama in the history of television.”
There. I would say television “program” but trying to compare it to Seinfeld seems like an apples and oranges sort of thing. Still the greatest drama in the history of television is a pretty strong claim. But it’s true. Now of course there are many, many shows I’ve never seen before that I’m sure are quite good. But I can assure you they are not as good as The West Wing. And true I’ve only seen the first two seasons of The West Wing so that might seem like a small sample size to base that claim on, but you know what, I could have made that claim after two episodes, and that feeling only grows the more episodes I watch. Because The West Wing is brilliant, revolutionary, life changing, and damn addictive too. It’s like crack for people who love smart, quality entertainment. It is the reason why TV shouldn’t be on DVD. Because then you start off your day sitting down to watch one, and only one, episode over breakfast and then find yourself 12 hours later still in front of your TV covered in crumbs and beer stains screaming obscenities at John Hoynes. And by “you” I don’t mean “you” as much as I mean “me”.
But sure there are other shows that are as addictive and compelling. I hear people all the time talking about having Lost or 24 or Six Feet Under marathons. Hell, sometimes I find it hard to tear myself away from VH1’s “40 Most Awesomely Bad Break Up Songs”. So what makes The West Wing better than all those shows? Well for one it’s about something more important – the inner workings of the government of the most powerful country in the world: our country.
Most any other drama is about love and lust and relationships of all kinds between other people. Some shows are even about life and death both of their characters and the people their characters affect. Well The West Wing is all of those things as well, but the people its characters affect happen to be every person on the face of the planet. And sure shows like Alias and 24 are ostensibly about saving the world from destruction, but those shows are so far removed from reality that they serve pretty much only as entertainment. Well The West Wing is entertaining as well, and yet it also informs the way we view perhaps the most important of real world institutions – our government. I now view real world events through a different prism and have greater insight into why things might happen they way they do in regards to politics because of The West Wing. A show that entertains, educates, and involves both the lives and loves of a large cast of fascinating characters but also the fate of the free world – sounds like a recipe for the greatest show in the history of TV to me. But as Commander and Chief has proven it takes more than just a good recipe to create a show like The West Wing. It takes great acting, great writing, great intelligence, great creativity, and great genius. And The West Wing has all those things in spades. It also has huge balls.
It takes real sides on real issues and really attempts to address actual real life public policy. It’s not only extremely relevant but startlingly ahead of its time. Gay marriage, terrorism, and privatization of social security were all dealt with on the show way back in 2000. And I still think their idea of having the government offering to pay for the tuition of people who agree to become teachers at inner city school much like they do with people who agree to enter the military is realistically viable public policy that should be actually pursued.
But its not just its subject matter and the stories it chooses to tell, but what really pushes it into the level of art is the way it tells those stories. And I think the best way to see how brilliant its story telling is is to attempt to contrast it to other shows I would consider great. And that doesn’t include “Commander and Chief”. But it does include “Grey’s Anatomy”.
See I’ve recently started watching “Grey’s Anatomy”. It’s a great show and I’m definitely a big fan now, but when I watch it I’m always reminded how head and shoulders above everything else The West Wing truly is. Watch The West Wing and then go watch any other show and you’ll be struck by the same thing. That’s because other shows seem bound by all the television conventions – something big has to happen leading into every commercial break, there’s an abundance of voice over narration, and most glaringly of all, there’s always an A story and a B story. This of course means that there’s a main story line but that then there’s also a secondary storyline to give the other characters something to do as well. Watch an episode from the last four seasons of “Friends” and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. But its not just “Friends” - every single show does this. Except for The West Wing. Sometimes when you think something is the B story line it turns out four episodes later that was the A story line or that there were four A storylines going at once and it was merely one of them trying to disguise itself as a B storyline. But nothing on the show is ever nothing. The show is adherent to its continuum like no show before or since, with the possible exception of “24”. It never introduces storylines it doesn’t intend to finish, and this makes it the perfect show for the TV on DVD era. Other shows, like “Freaks and Geeks” for example, introduce storylines for an episode and then completely drop them the next episode or act like they never happened. And when you watch a show only once every week, that’s fine because you don’t remember every little thing that happens from week to week. But when you watch a show on DVD it becomes frustrating and seems like bad writing if you’re left wondering things like “what happened to that girl Ken was dating last episode” or “wasn’t Lindsay supposed to be grounded for like a month?” (questions I had while watching the entire series of “Freaks and Geeks” over a three day span). This rarely happens with The West Wing though. Although it sometimes has too many storylines going at once to keep them all going every episode, it always comes back to things. And if something happens it has ramifications on all of the episodes that follow. Nothing is every just permanently dropped, and nothing is ever just done for a reason like the writers felt like in this episode it would be cool if Sam tried to learn how to ride a horse. There’s a purpose behind everything that happens on the show. Which means everything is something and that you never know what that something might ultimately be.
The show also generally avoids the TV convention of sensationalism. If you remove the shooting storyline (which seemed laughably out of place to begin with) the show over its first two seasons never seems liked it was pulling any ratings ploys or “must see events” like nearly every other show does. And even the shooting episode demonstrated how the show focuses more on its characters and great storytelling than it does on creating sensational must see events. I mean the show did two episodes about someone shooting at the president and over half of both episodes was devoted not to the shooting but to how the people who were shot at first met. The president was shot by a would be assassin and yet the show is constructed as such that we the viewers are much more interested in learning how Josh Lyman joined his campaign that in whether or not he’ll live or die. That my friends, is the mark of a revolutionary TV show that’s at the top of its game. Nothing makes that more clear than this fact though - they did six whole episodes almost exclusively devoted a character revealing he has an obscure non-fatal disease and they were some of the most compelling episodes in the history of television. Really stop and think about what a remarkable unprecedented achievement that is. It’s pretty fucking remarkable.
(Everyone talks about how The Sopranos revolutionized TV because they could cuss, have nudity, and explicit violence, well try and tell me that they could do six episodes about Tony revealing to everyone that he has Crohn’s disease without the show resorting to sex, drugs, or violence to up the entertainment value. Try telling me that because then I would have the opportunity to call you a liar. And I would relish that opportunity. So while The Sopranos is good show and all, if you’re going to even try and make a case that it is a better, more artistically relevant show than The West Wing, then you can go sell that somewhere else, cuz this store already has all the bullshit it can afford.)
What makes an achievement like that possible is obviously the people involved in the show. Both the real people who make the show, and the fictional characters that inhabit it. And so for that reason, and because I’m a compulsive list maker, I feel it is necessary to rank the seventeen people who played the biggest part in season two of The West Wing from worst to best. And when I say worst, I don’t mean it as a bad thing, I just mean SOMEONE has to be last. And when I say best, I mean the eternal lord and savior of all things good and holy who makes all morals tremble with ecstasy merely to stand in his presence. And somehow that just managed to be both the most religious and the gayest sentence I think I’ve ever written. So on that note, let the ranking begin.
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Honorable Mention: This isn’t a person so much as its an episode so that’s why its only honorable mention, but if you don’t ever listen to another thing recommend, if you don’t care about any other movie or song or show I choose to promote in here, fine. Just please watch “Two Cathedrals”, the final episode of season 2. Because that my friends is how you do a TV show. It shows that every other TV show is just second rate.
(And yes I know that “Noel” is generally considered the best episode of season two, and no offense to Yo-Yo Ma, but I like “Two Cathedrals” better. And I think what makes “Two Cathedrals” so great is that despite the fact its grandiosity is somewhat out of character for the series, never before has a series earned an episode that grandiose more than The West Wing earned “Two Cathedrals”.)
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17.) Zoey Bartlet - How could Martin Sheen possibly produce a child that boring, uninspiring, and unable to act? I don’t buy it for a moment. What was her audition for the part like? Were they looking for someone who could be as boring as humanly possible?. Were they impressed by her monologue, which revealed her emotional range to be stunningly limited and/or non-existent? Were they won over by the fact that she wasn’t believable as a human being and possessed absolutely no chemistry with Dule Hill? And since we’re on the subject, are Zoey and Charlie’s dates the most boring dates in the history of man? Do they just stare blankly at each other while speaking sweet nothings in their own respective dull colorless monotone? And while Zoey does provide hope that I too could be on the West Wing, and so could my dead grandmother for that matter, at the same time, I kind of wish she had been killed or at least seriously wounded in the shooting. (And now I am going straight to hell. I don’t even get to pass Go and collect my $200.)
(And while we’re here can we mention her personal secret service agent for a moment? I mean the woman looks just like a poor man’s Hilary Swank. And just for the record any man poorer than Chad Lowe is REALLY poor.)
“President Josiah Bartlet: You know, Zoey is starting Georgetown in two weeks, I was thinking about getting her "The Nature of Things," translated from the Latin of Titus Lucretius Karas. What do you think?
Charlie Young: I think she would like that better than a new stereo, sir.”
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16.) Charlie Young - Dule Hill seems like a nice kid (and by “kid” I mean “31 year old”) and nothing against him personally, but he can’t act. And his character is boring and woefully underdeveloped. And yet he was somehow nominated for an Emmy. For what? Staring off into space vacantly? Speaking all of his lines in a dull monotone that could lull a hyperactive ten year old to sleep? Keeping his face so expressionless at all times we wonder if he the result of some botox experiment gone horribly wrong. I mean his facial expressions make Clint Eastwood seem like Jim Carrey. It’s a shame because I like in theory what his character should be. A young outsider who gets placed in the middle of the inner workings of the White House and experiences it, as the audience does, with wide-eyed awe and wonderment. When Charlie was first introduced in season one, Aaron Sorkin seemed like he created the character for just that purpose - to act as a pseudo-audience surrogate. That ended pretty quick though and it now seems more likely that Sorkin suddenly realized that in his fictional Democratically controlled White House he forgot to cast any minorities. And so I can only assume after an exhaustive casting search that must have lasted at least ten minutes they settled on Dule Hill. Now to be fair he’s not terrible, he just brings absolutely nothing to the table. I feel like they could have cast a fichus in his role it could have done just as well. And of course none of this would really bother me, expect for the fact that he was nominated for an Emmy. But since he was, it bothers me.
“Ambassador Ken Cochran: I want to speak to your supervisor.
Charlie Young: My supervisor? Well, I'm personal aide to the President, so right now my supervisor is kinda busy looking for a back door to throw you out of. But I'll let him know.”
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15.) Joey Lucas – Okay I realize that Marlee Matlin is deaf so I cant say anything negative about her, but really, why was she cast? It’s completely unbelievable that Josh is so attracted to her. And is it supposed to be some kind of joke that they cast a deaf person as a pollster? I’m praying that that bit of casting is some sort of very subliminal commentary on the political polling system because if not, then this is just a case of non-traditional casting gone very wrong. I mean I guess I applaud what they’re trying to do in theory, but in practice it just creates too many unbelievable situations and raises too many questions. Like why are they okay with the fact that her interpreter is getting access to top-secret meetings and information? And do the show’s producers have to pay him as much as they pay Marlee since he is the one actually saying the lines? And how would an actor audition for the role of her interpreter? And if you didn’t already know that Marlee Matlin was deaf would the fact that she dated William Hurt make that instantly clear? And most of all if you were going to write a character that Josh Lyman was going to be head over heels attracted to why would you cast an actress who was both UNATTRACTIVE AND DEAF?!? I seriously hate casting directors sometimes. Okay actually scratch that “sometimes” and replace it with “all of the time”.
(Well there goes my career. It was fun while it didn’t last.)
“Joey Lucas: I want to speak to the President!
Josh Lyman: Hey, lunatic lady, trust me when I tell you there is absolutely no way that you are going to see the president.
President Josiah Bartlet: [the President walks through the door] Hey, Josh...”
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14.) VP John Hoynes – Once again I don’t buy this character. I mean what kind of a president would choose as his running mate a sour, unlikable, slightly evil seeming curmudgeon who keeps trying to overstep the bounds of his power? And are we expected to believe that the American people would vote for a ticket that had someone like that on it? I mean come on, that’s a completely ridiculous idea…
“C.J. Cregg: You haven't had a drink since you were 22?
John Hoynes: That's right.
C.J. Cregg: Ulysses S. Grant would have slapped you in the face.
John Hoynes: He did once.”
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13.) Mrs. Landingham – Close your eyes while watching “Two Cathedrals” and I swear you’ll think the young Mrs. Landingham is being played by Ellen DeGeneres. The vocal resemblance is uncanny. Anyway, Mrs. Landingham is a likeable, sweet, but completely inessential character. Although she IS more essential than Leo’s secretary Margaret. I always wonder if the actress who plays Margaret secretly wants to kill Janel Moloney in her sleep.
“Mrs. Landingham: In my day we knew how to protect ourselves.
Leo McGarry: Well, in your day you could fight off the Indians with a Daniel Boone musket, couldn't you?
Mrs. Landingham: Ah, sarcasm - the grumpy man's wit.
Leo McGarry: Go sharpen a pencil, would you?”
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12.) Abby Bartlet – Remember when Stockard Channing played Rizzo in “Grease” and was the epitome of a cool yet vulnerable and nuanced character? Now it seems hat she’s turned into the very thing Rizzo would have railed against - a nagging wife with a stick up her butt. (Plus I find her AIG commercials strangely disturbing) She’s always telling Jed what he can’t do, trying to boss him around, being overly serious and dramatic all the time, and generally being an irritating old shrew. Well luckily I’m familiar with the works of Shakespeare so I know just how to go about taming a shrew - starve her, don’t let her sleep, and throw pillows at her. Now there’s an episode Id pay to see.
“Abby Bartlet: I have something important to tell you.
President Josiah Bartlet: What is it?
Abby Bartlet: Well I haven’t completely made up my mind yet, but at this point, I’m leaning towards voting for you.”
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11.) Tommy Schlamme – Before I even had seen an episode of The West Wing I already liked it because at the Emmys every year when it would win, they would call out Tommy Schlamme’s name since he’s an executive producer and it would always make me chuckle, because, well, lets face it, it’s a funny name. Not only does his first name rhyme with is last name but his last name sounds like a combination of “schlong” and “salami”. It’s just an award winning name really. Props to Mom and Pop Schlamme for a great job of naming their kid. I mean he’s a great director and all too, and whenever an episode begins and it says “directed by Tommy Schlamme” you know you’re in good hands, but really, its all about his name. Any show where the name W.E. Snuffy Walden is only the SECOND best name involved, you know has to be a good show.
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10.) Toby Ziegler – You know what episode I really like? That one where Toby Ziegler gets all pissed off and indigent about something and alternates between sulking about it and yelling about it. Oh wait…that’s all of the episodes. Look, I love Toby and the show wouldn’t be the same without him and I think Richard Schiff does a great job and deserves his Emmy nominations and all that, but lets face it, Toby is almost exactly the same in every episode, and there’s only so much you want to watch of a unsmiling, humorless, pissed-off guy who mopes around and yells a lot. I know there are people who really like Toby, and that’s fine; he’s just not really my cup of tea. I like mine with a little sugar in it. Which reminds me of a good line I heard the other day at work: “I like my coffee like I like my women - strong, black, and hot.” That might actually be from a movie or something but I’d never heard it before and it made me laugh. Which is more than I can say for Toby Ziegler.
(Sorry about that unnecessary dig there Toby. Much love. Much love.)
“Woman in Bar: You've been a... what do you call it?
Toby Ziegler: Professional political operative.
Woman in Bar: You've been one your whole life?
Toby Ziegler: There was a while there I was in Elementary School.”
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9.) Leo McGarry – Okay here’s where it starts getting hard to rank people. I mean what problem could anyone have with Leo McGarry or John Spencer’s portrayal of him? None that I can think of. He does a great job and has a well written likable character. I don’t know if Leo would ever be anyone’s FAVORITE character, but at the same time I can’t imagine anyone not liking him. He is just a great guy and an indispensable part of the show. Which makes his recent death all the more sad. I’m of course referring to John Spencer’s death, but I guess that’s Leo McGarry’s death too. Which is a fitting statement because rarely have a character and the actor playing him seemed to be so similar. So rest in peace friend. You will be missed.
“Leo McGarry: Do you think that increasing the body count is going to act as a deterrent?
President Josiah Bartlet: You're damn right I do.
Leo McGarry: Well then, you're just as stupid as these people who think that capital punishment will act as a deterrent to drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day-to-day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours, and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne. But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you had better start with me because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you.”
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8.) Ainsley Hayes – Okay here’s where it starts getting REALLY hard. And I know, I know - how could I possibly rank a minor character like Ainsley Hayes above Leo and Toby? And do I realize that she’s a Republican? Yes, yes I do, and as I said, this is where it gets REALLY hard to rank the characters. It’s like asking God to rank his favorite creations. Obviously you’ve got Jesus first and “Everybody Loves Raymond” and Yoko Ono last, but what do you when you get to that shit that falls in the level just below Jesus - like Mother Theresa, the Pope, and hazelnut flavored iced coffee? I mean it just becomes too hard to rank them because they’re all about equal. Well that’s how the list is from here until slot #1, so I don’t wanna hear any of your lip. Anyway, back to the issue at hand - I love Ainsley Hayes. While she may just barely miss my Favorite Female TV Characters List (see #4), I do have to say that if I ever started a band I would seriously consider naming it “Ainsley Hayes”. But then again I used to want to name my hypothetical band “Black Pudding and the Centaurs” so what do I know? But point is if I ever had to have sex with a Republican I would totally want it to be Ainsley Hayes. Her character is incredibly likeable and sympathetic and serves the role Charlie Young should have served, of the pseudo audience stand in, who comes in to the world of the West Wing as a wide-eyed outsider, with a sense of awe about her surroundings. We take her journey with her rather than being thrown in to the middle of her journey like the rest of the characters. For this reason she is in many ways the character we feel most sympathetic toward and root the hardest for. And that’s what makes the fact that she’s a Republican so genius and ballsy. I mean the famously liberal creator of the show introduced a conservative character to a very politically liberal show and environment and not only didn’t vilify her or make her one dimensional, but he made her extremely likeable, intelligent, and let her raise a lot of good points and present good ideas. I mean a lot of what she says makes sense and her presence on the show has done more than anything I can think of, other than being born in Texas, to really humanize the “other side”, if you will, and see things through “their” eyes. A fictional TV character who helps you to better understand the real world and gives voice and humanity to an entire massive segment of the population – I’d say that’s a TV character we can all get behind. Now buy our debut CD “Office in the Steamroom”
“Ainsley Hayes: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.”
“Ainsley Hayes: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that to erase the humiliation that I have brought upon myself and my father.
Sam Seaborn: You're just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?”
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7.) C.J. Cregg –
“C.J. Cregg: The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.”
I have decided that White House Press Secretary is officially the hardest job in the entire world. (Well with the possible exception of Tara Reid’s publicist.) And I can’t imagine anyone real or fictional doing the job better than C.J. Cregg, even though her last name looks nothing like it sounds, which is especially strange considering it’s a made up name, but whatever. Watching C.J. do her job so masterfully makes me want to watch actual White House press conferences, as painful as that may sound. How in the world press secretaries are expected to know everything about everything and be one step ahead of an entire room full of reporters is beyond me. And how they navigate the potential minefield that is the question and answer session that accompanies most press briefings seems like a super human feat. And yet C.J. Cregg does it every episode with equal amounts of intelligence, power, humor, and dare I say, style. True it may be Sorkin’s writing that does it, but it’s Allison Janney who pulls it off so brilliantly. So huzzah I say to you Allison Janney. Go have yourself an Emmy or four.
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6.) Danny Concannon – Speaking of the White House Press Corps…hey look who it is! It’s Danny Concannon! My favorite part of watching any new episode for the first time is those few moments after the opening credits when they list that episode’s guest stars when I get to hope desperately to see Timothy Busfield’s name listed. But alas, all too frequently his name does not come. Which is really a shame because they should use him WAY more than they do. And I know it’s hard to have something every episode for a random journalist to do that would involve the inner workings of the White House, but still. They should at least have him ask a question at every press briefing, even if it was something simple. Which raises the question, why is he not at every White House press briefing? In fact why is only at about a fourth of them at best? The fact that I even noticed this and that I care about it brings us to one of the main things that separates good TV shows from GREAT ones- and that is this: you care so much about the characters you want to know what they are doing in the scenes that they aren’t in. This is the mark of a great TV show and since The West Wing is the greatest of TV shows, it makes sense then that I would want to know what is keeping Danny Concannon from being at all the press briefings. You get so invested in characters like Danny that you start thinking about them like real people. You believe them so completely that you start imagining what they might be doing when they are not on screen. They are so alive you want to follow them around 24 hours a day, see their homes or apartments, watch TV with them, and find out where they go on their lunch break. You wonder why Danny isn’t at every briefing, or what Ainsley is doing in the episodes she’s not in, or what ever happened to Mandy from season one even though you never even liked her in the first place, even though as a fellow Marymount graduate you think you’re like required by law to like her or something like that. And of all the charcters and storylines that “you” want to know more about first among them is “what ever happened to Danny and C.J.”? Are they going to get together or what? Does she like him? She totally does doesn’t she? And these last few sentences seem like they were written by an eighth grader don’t they? Well that’s what this show turns me into, a prying, nosy, gossipy eighth-grader. Only now the kids that I’m gossiping about shape the public policy of the most powerful government on the planet, rather than you know, the public policy of the cool table in the cafeteria. But seriously though, Danny and C.J. should hook up because Danny is like the best minor character on a TV show ever. And I do mean EVER. And seriously what single woman would ever NOT jump at the chance to be with the first random guy who seemed even remotely interested in being her boyfriend? No woman I’ve ever met…
“C.J. Cregg: When you flirt with me, are you doing it to get a story?
Danny Concannon: No.
C.J. Cregg: Then why are you doing it?
Danny Concannon: I'm doing it to flirt with you.”
(Speaking of characters’ love lives on the show, I just got done watching the first episode of season three - the episode written directly as a response to 9/11- and I think Janel Moloney’s closing line at the end of the opening monologue of the show demonstrates exactly why The West Wing is just on a different level than anything else. The monologue is the actors directly addressing the camera as themselves talking about 9/11 and how tonight’s episode is a response to it and how it doesn’t fit in it with the shows continuum, but that they will get back to the show’s regular storylines the next week. Then they start listing all of the serious issues that the show will be addressing when the new season begins – health care reform, battling big tobacco, the president’s case of MS, war with Haiti, etc., - and then for the last line Janel Moloney appears for the first time and says with a why smile, “and I get a boyfriend”. And then fade to black and the episode begins. If you don’t get why that’s great writing then I can’t explain it to you, but just trust me, it is.
Okay I’m done now.)
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5.) Sam Seaborn – In the history of bad showbiz decisions has there ever been a worse one than Rob Lowe’s decision to leave The West Wing? Before The West Wing, Rob Lowe was a washed up sleazy-seeming former brat packer best known for making a sex tape with two young girls. On The West Wing he was a charming, intelligent, nice guy who was eminently watchable and exceedingly likeable. Post West Wing…well I dunno...is he even still alive? Why the hell if you had a great part on the best show in the history of TV - a show that took a chance even casting you and saved your career from complete oblivion - would you ever even consider leaving that show? His agent must be worse than Bob Sugar to let him do stupid shit like that. And since I haven’t seen season four yet, I have yet to see Will Bailey, his replacement. But while I’m sure Will Bailey is a nice guy and all, he ain’t no Sam Seaborn I can tell you that much. As much as Jed may be the show’s main character, Sam and Josh are its lifeblood. My feelings on even continuing to watch it post Sam’s departure are mixed at best. But his departure coincidentally coincides with Aaron Sorkin’s departure, which brings my desire to watch past season four down from “mixed at best” to “pretty much aint gonna happen”.
“Sam Seaborn: Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I am a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out The Times is publishing a poll that says that a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that is not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard are fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean, while the governor of Florida wants to blockade the port of Miami. A good friend of mine is about to get fired for going on television and making sense. And it turns out that I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now, would you please in the name of compassion tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?
Mallory O'Brian: That would be me.
Sam Seaborn: ...This is bad on so many levels...”
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4.) Donna Moss- Okay I mentioned it a few items back so here it is:
My Top 3 & 1/2 Favorite Female TV Characters of All Time
(As of this moment)
1.) Lindsay Weir – “Freaks and Geeks”
2.) Donna Moss – “The West Wing”
3.) Izzie Stevens – “Grey’s Antomy”
3 & 1/2.) Rachel Green – “Friends”
Now she may not be number one, but number two is nothing to sneeze at and also there’s no way anyone will ever beat Lindsay Weir so really number two is the best any fictional character can hope for (but that’s a whole ‘nother column). I love everything about Donna Moss. Her name. The way she exudes vulnerable intelligence. The way she seems tailor made for Sorkin’s dialogue. And the fact she wasn’t even supposed to be a regular but Bradley Whitford pointed out to Aaron Sorkin what natural chemistry she had with his character and he agreed and made her a regular. And they were 100% right. Josh and Donna’s chemistry is off the charts. Other than the writing you could make a case that it’s the best part about the whole show. You really get the sense that if you ever saw Janel Moloney and Bradley Whitford hanging out together in real life you know exactly what their relationship would be like. And based on evidence presented in the episode commentaries, you wouldn’t be wrong. The only problem with making Janel Moloney an official regular cast member in season two is that occasionally it would feel like she was being forced into episodes she didn’t really belong in but because of her contract they had to find something for her to do in every episode. But why quibble. While I find it hard to believe you could ever base a whole episode around Donna Moss, I also find it hard to believe that one could ever have too much of her. Especially if she was always paired with Josh. I think America could watch them banter all day. And as great as Danny and C.J.’s non-relationship is, Josh and Donna’s is even better. The way it’s handled, or better yet, not handled, is perfect. It’s like “Lost in Translation” before there was a “Lost in Translation”. And outside of the Huxtables there isn’t a more watchable, likeable, or believable male-female pair on TV that I can think of. And all of this of course leads to possibly my all time favorite dialogue exchanges from any medium:
“Josh Lyman: All I'm saying is, if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop to get a beer.
Donna Moss: If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.”
(You have to see her say it and know the context, but still…fucking great writing. Oh that Aaron Sorkin…But much more on him later.)
(Speaking of “Lost in Translation”, is Scarlett Johanson’s performance in “Match Point” her “jump the shark” moment. Has the phrase “jump the shark”, itself jumped the shark? What am I even talking about?)
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3.) Josh Lyman- There’s a fine yet subtle difference between “favorite” and “best”. For example, I thought “Munich” was this year’s best movie but I would say “Walk the Line” was my favorite movie of the year. That’s relevant here because while Jed Bartlet may be the “best” character Josh Lyman is definitely my favorite. If I could be any fictional character or play any part other than Lloyd Dobler in “Say Anything” I think I would want to be Josh Lyman. Except I wouldn’t because there’s no way I could be anywhere close to even 1/100th as good as Bradley Whitford. And I wouldn’t want to deprive the world and myself of Bradley Whitford’s work as Josh. I would also say I would love to hang out with Josh but then again I think I would be way too intimated and there’s no way I could ever keep up with his caustic wit and awe inspiring intellect. If someday the world was inverted and suddenly slightly dorky intellectuals were the epitome of cool then Josh Lyman would be James Dean, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp all rolled into one. Coolness would ooze from his every pore and people would make pilgrimages of hundreds of thousands of miles just to even catch half of glimpse of him in hopes of gaining even a smidgen of a portion of a fraction of his coolness. And I would lead these pilgrims and we would travel to his temple and bow down at his feet and worship his gifts for witty sarcastic banter, perfectly phrased dialogue, neurotic nebbish confidence, and passionate idealism. Plus I’d totally do his secretary.
“Josh Lyman: Victory is mine, victory is mine. Great day in the morning, victory is mine.
Donna Moss: Good morning, Josh.
Josh Lyman: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
Donna Moss: It's going to be an unbearable day.”
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2.) Jed Bartlet-
“President Josiah Bartlet: I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.”
What makes The West Wing important and relevant is its subject matter. What makes it great is its writing and what its actors do with that writing. What truly makes it transcendent though, the way it reaches our hearts, our souls, and inspires immeasurable passion in its fans and supporters, is the same quality its shares with all great art – it not only makes us feel its humanity and passion, but it offers us hope and takes us to a magical dream-like place that is yet grounded enough in our own reality to seem possible and real. And all of these qualities are captured perfectly by Martin Sheen as president Jed Bartlet. Regardless of your party affiliation of political beliefs he’s the president we all wish we could have yet never will – smart, decisive, passionate, idealistic, a great orator, oozing leadership from his every pore, strong yet relatable and human, and most importantly, endlessly inspiring. It’s the show’s great strength that you could make similar statements about nearly all its characters, but definitely none more so than the president himself. That’s why its unbelievable to me that Martin Sheen was originally only supposed to appear in the pilot and nothing else. I can’t possibly imagine the show working without him. And how fucking James Gandolfini has ever beaten him in any awards ceremony let alone nearly all of them is so beyond me I cant even begin to comprehend. Watch Martin Sheen in literally any episode and it’s like getting a master class in acting. And if either of his two big speeches in “Two Cathedrals” weren’t some of the best TV acting in history then I don’t know what is. It’s so good yet so seemingly effortless that it barely seems like acting at all. Which is what makes his character and the show as a whole seem so much like reality. And it gives us the fantasy, the illusion, the hope, that this is how our government really works, this is how our president is, or at least what he can be someday. Because Jed Bartlet represents all that is good and right and beautiful about America, and about humanity. And so too does The West Wing.
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1.) Aaron Sorkin- Which brings us to its creator. Perhaps you’ve been noticing how I’ve been including quotes either from or about each character. Then again perhaps you’re illiterate. The quotes themselves aren’t really that important. Truth be told, I found most of them on imdb. But while the actual quotes I’ve chosen may not be important in and of themselves, they are collectively of the utmost importance for what they represent. And what they represent is a writing sample of the greatest television writer in the history of the medium. I’ve never seen Sports Night and his new pilot script about an SNL like late night show is generating massive buzz in Hollywood, but obviously I have yet to see that as well. So it might seem like overstatement to declare Aaron Sorkin the greatest TV writer of all time based on two season of one show. But if you’ve actually seen those two seasons of that one show you would know that NOT declaring him the greatest TV writer of all time would be the crazier thing to do. For all its information, for all its inspiration, for all its power and passion and entertainment value at its core it’s all about the writing. And not just the dialogue, and not just the way the dialogue is structured, and not just what the actors do with it, and not just the plot structure and the stories the words are used to tell, but all of it. Every last aspect of the writing and what is done with the writing is brilliant and it is why more than anything else The West Wing is hands down bar none, the greatest most important television drama of all time. And its all Aaron Sorkin’s doing.
If you go back and watch other things Sorkin has scripted like “A Few Good Men” and “The American President” (particularly interesting to watch if you’re a West Wing fan) you immediately notice that his dialogue is immediately identifiable and uniquely his own. If I fell into a coma for five years and in that five years Aaron Sorkin wrote something else and then it was shown to me when I awoke, I could identify it as Sorkin’s writing in under three minutes. It’s that distinctive. The words have a rhythm and structure to them so that they sound just like the way people really talk, yet somehow better. Its like what David Mamet tries to do but fails miserably at. (And yes I just called Aaron Sorkin a better writer than David Mamet. Get over it.) The most noticeable aspects of Sorkin’s dialogue though is its fast pace and how stunningly literate and articulate it is. Whether the fast pace is a result of, or merely reflective of, the dialogue’s intelligence is debatable, but what it does for sure is make the dialogue seem even more clever and articulate than it already is. Somehow people speaking clipped dialogue at a breakneck speed makes them seem not only intelligent, but also confident and very, very cool. Sorkin’s characters are all hyper-articulate and always know what to say. They never, even for a second, search for the right words. The right words are always right there on the tip of their tongue the exact moment they need them. They are able to instantly spout out any statistic or quote verbatim long passages of obscure laws whenever they need to. They know everything about everything and can speak at length about any of it. All of their opinions are well reasoned and perfectly phrased. They are endless clever, witty, sarcastic and can do banter like a Mamet character can do expletives. And it’s a testament to all the actors on the show that they can pull all of this off not only without seeming pretentious, or annoying, but more importantly that they can pull it off period. You never once stop to think, “there’s no way they could have known that off the top of their head” or, “there’s no way anyone could come up with a comeback that good that quickly”. It’s the selling of that illusion, that dream, that fantasy that more than anything else is what keeps me coming back for more. Sure the dream of an inspiring president, an idealistic passionate White House staff, and a government that supports and represents the best of the American ideal is something to hope for, but really I would give all that up for the chance to be able to actually talk like a Sorkin character in real life. And I think everyone who watches the show would either secretly or not so secretly agree. And that’s why Aaron Sorkin is unquestionably, indisputably, the best part about The West Wing. And why if I found a magic genie who could grant me one wish no matter how implausible or fantastical, I would want Aaron Sorkin to write my life. Because real life conversations and dialogue and situations are so much less exciting than they are on The West Wing. And that, ultimately, is the show’s greatest virtue. Sorkin himself once wrote a line accusing us (and Tom Cruise) of not being able to handle the truth. Well I can’t speak for us all, but I know that I for one CAN handle the truth; but Id just much prefer to handle The West Wing.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The National Champion Texas Longhorns!
2.) Lindsey Weir (Linda Cardellini) on "Freaks and Geeks"
3.) "Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans" (book)
3 & 1/2.) Dutchwest:
new column- http://dutchwestoven.blogspot.com/2005/12/andy-stokan-best-song-ive-ever-come.html
and my sketch acting debut- http://www.dutchwest.tv/webisodes/w15.html
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Jesus Killed My Brother
It seems like every year Christmas becomes more and more about buying presents, seeing old friends, and generally making merry than it does about reflecting on the true “reason for the season”. And so this year before you get too carried away with acting like Christmas is just some huge birthday party, stop to think about how it's actually…umm…well…oh shut up, you get the point. And the point is that Christmas is all about Jesus. No not the guy that mows your lawn. Another Jesus. One who lived a long time ago. Back when Jesus was still a Jewish name. I’m talking of course about Jesus Christ.
(It’s a good thing Jesus Christ never had any kids. If you think being the child of a celebrity is hard, imagine if your last name was Christ. Apple Martin would have nothing on little Tommy Christ.)
As everyone knows, Jesus Christ was the main character of a very popular book called The Bible. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it and are going to hell, it’s the sequel to the hugely successful Torah. It tells the story of Jesus from his illegitimate birth to his bloody death by forced asphyxiation for radical anti-government activities. It’s fun reading for the whole family! In between his birth and death he hung out with murderers, lived with lepers, and befriended prostitutes. So clearly the question we should be asking then is, what WOULND’T Jesus do? Well I know a few things he wouldn’t do would include wearing an outfit that looked like a dress, get kissed by another man, or inviting other dudes to “eat his body” because that would be totally gay.
And Jesus hates gay people.
Speaking of Tom Cruise, him and Jesus were actually similar in many ways. Mainly the fact that they both promoted wacky fringe religions. (But also, Jesus, like, totally loves Katie Holmes.) But instead of promoting a wacky fringe religion created by a fiction writer that had some vague connection to science, Jesus went in a much more credible direction. He founded his own religion. And he named it Christianity. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? In his religion he proposed that if you do good works you go to heaven. Also, if someone decides to work on a Sunday you can stone them to death (Exodus 35:2). You can see why it caught on so big. People really responded to the ideas Jesus promoted, especially the stuff about befriending prostitutes and starting wars with Iraq. And so Christianity soon became the official religion of America. And that, boys and girls, is the story of why we celebrate Christmas.
So this year stop with the plunging yourself into massive credit card debt buying presents, drinking heavily, and contemplating suicide, and embrace the true spirit of Christmas by finding the nearest cheap syphilis ridden whore and telling her that you love her.
After all, it’s what Jesus did.
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A Running Diary of My Thoughts During the Transit Strike
While walking from home (96th & 1st) to work (44th & Broadway) - Day 1: Wow, this is great! What a fun invigorating way to start the day. Look at all the people out on the streets. I like people. They are nice. So is walking. I should really do this more often. Thank God for the strike or else I would never be having this wonderful experience!
While walking from work to home - Day 1: It’s a little colder than it was this morning but this is still nice I guess. Hey stop shoving me! Stupid people. Sometimes I really hate New Yorkers. I’m really hungry. This is kind of taking a while. Wow, my feet are starting to hurt…
While walking from home to work - Day 2: I have to do THIS again? And why does it have to be so fucking cold? Hey get out of my way fucking people! Geeze, I really hate people. Especially fucking decrepit old people. And kids. Oh man, kids are the slowest. Why whenever I’m in a hurry do I always get stuck behind a kid? I mean I know their legs are short and all, but geeze, I mean, come on already. People got places to be. Sorry you’re lazy and don’t do anything with your life except color and poop all day but some of us around here have places to be because WE are productive members of society. Oh my fucking god! How has it only been 10 blocks?!? I feel like I’ve been walking for like an hour! My feet are about ready to kill a bitch.
While walking from work to home – Day 2: Are you fucking kidding me? I have to walk all that way AGAIN?!? I am seriously going to find the MTA and STAB THEM IN THE FACE WITH A SPEAR. This is absolutely ridiculous. Look at all these goddamn people too! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY YOU IDIOT!! Oh man, in about 5 more blocks my body is gong to literally collapse. Fuck this shit. TAXI!!!!!
While walking from home to work – Day 3: (Shoots self in face)
The End
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Top 3 & 1/2 Celebrity Christmas Present Suggestions of the Week
1.) Beyonce – Shit from Wal Mart
2.) P Diddy and Ginuwine featuring Loon and Mario Winans – A girl part 2
3.) Skee Lo – A rabbit in a hat with a bat. Or a girl who looks good so that then he can call her. Or growth pills.
3 & 1/2.) Mariah Carey – You
Thought of the Week: In closing Id just like to say that with all that’s going on in the city and in the world its nice to know that this time of year there is something that brings us all a little closer and makes us feel warmer towards our fellow man. That each year t this time there is something to remind us what is truly important in life - family, friends, and a glass shattering falsetto. I’m talking of course about Mariah Carey's Christmas album. Because while it may be impossible to come to a universal consensus about anything else these days, I think we can all agree that Mariah Carey's Christmas album is the greatest Christmas album of all time. And that hereby concludes the only positive thing I will ever say about Mariah Carey in my life. I would now usually proceed to make a Mariah Carey joke here but I’m currently saving them all for the Grammys. Just you wait…
(Also although this is only tangentially related to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, does anyone know who the hell Parson Brown is? Or why someone would think Christmas time was the correct season of the year to tell scary ghost stories? I mean tales of old glories of Christmases long, long ago I can understand, but scary ghost stories? Who does that at Christmas time?)
(It’s a good thing Jesus Christ never had any kids. If you think being the child of a celebrity is hard, imagine if your last name was Christ. Apple Martin would have nothing on little Tommy Christ.)
As everyone knows, Jesus Christ was the main character of a very popular book called The Bible. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it and are going to hell, it’s the sequel to the hugely successful Torah. It tells the story of Jesus from his illegitimate birth to his bloody death by forced asphyxiation for radical anti-government activities. It’s fun reading for the whole family! In between his birth and death he hung out with murderers, lived with lepers, and befriended prostitutes. So clearly the question we should be asking then is, what WOULND’T Jesus do? Well I know a few things he wouldn’t do would include wearing an outfit that looked like a dress, get kissed by another man, or inviting other dudes to “eat his body” because that would be totally gay.
And Jesus hates gay people.
Speaking of Tom Cruise, him and Jesus were actually similar in many ways. Mainly the fact that they both promoted wacky fringe religions. (But also, Jesus, like, totally loves Katie Holmes.) But instead of promoting a wacky fringe religion created by a fiction writer that had some vague connection to science, Jesus went in a much more credible direction. He founded his own religion. And he named it Christianity. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? In his religion he proposed that if you do good works you go to heaven. Also, if someone decides to work on a Sunday you can stone them to death (Exodus 35:2). You can see why it caught on so big. People really responded to the ideas Jesus promoted, especially the stuff about befriending prostitutes and starting wars with Iraq. And so Christianity soon became the official religion of America. And that, boys and girls, is the story of why we celebrate Christmas.
So this year stop with the plunging yourself into massive credit card debt buying presents, drinking heavily, and contemplating suicide, and embrace the true spirit of Christmas by finding the nearest cheap syphilis ridden whore and telling her that you love her.
After all, it’s what Jesus did.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Running Diary of My Thoughts During the Transit Strike
While walking from home (96th & 1st) to work (44th & Broadway) - Day 1: Wow, this is great! What a fun invigorating way to start the day. Look at all the people out on the streets. I like people. They are nice. So is walking. I should really do this more often. Thank God for the strike or else I would never be having this wonderful experience!
While walking from work to home - Day 1: It’s a little colder than it was this morning but this is still nice I guess. Hey stop shoving me! Stupid people. Sometimes I really hate New Yorkers. I’m really hungry. This is kind of taking a while. Wow, my feet are starting to hurt…
While walking from home to work - Day 2: I have to do THIS again? And why does it have to be so fucking cold? Hey get out of my way fucking people! Geeze, I really hate people. Especially fucking decrepit old people. And kids. Oh man, kids are the slowest. Why whenever I’m in a hurry do I always get stuck behind a kid? I mean I know their legs are short and all, but geeze, I mean, come on already. People got places to be. Sorry you’re lazy and don’t do anything with your life except color and poop all day but some of us around here have places to be because WE are productive members of society. Oh my fucking god! How has it only been 10 blocks?!? I feel like I’ve been walking for like an hour! My feet are about ready to kill a bitch.
While walking from work to home – Day 2: Are you fucking kidding me? I have to walk all that way AGAIN?!? I am seriously going to find the MTA and STAB THEM IN THE FACE WITH A SPEAR. This is absolutely ridiculous. Look at all these goddamn people too! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY YOU IDIOT!! Oh man, in about 5 more blocks my body is gong to literally collapse. Fuck this shit. TAXI!!!!!
While walking from home to work – Day 3: (Shoots self in face)
The End
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 3 & 1/2 Celebrity Christmas Present Suggestions of the Week
1.) Beyonce – Shit from Wal Mart
2.) P Diddy and Ginuwine featuring Loon and Mario Winans – A girl part 2
3.) Skee Lo – A rabbit in a hat with a bat. Or a girl who looks good so that then he can call her. Or growth pills.
3 & 1/2.) Mariah Carey – You
Thought of the Week: In closing Id just like to say that with all that’s going on in the city and in the world its nice to know that this time of year there is something that brings us all a little closer and makes us feel warmer towards our fellow man. That each year t this time there is something to remind us what is truly important in life - family, friends, and a glass shattering falsetto. I’m talking of course about Mariah Carey's Christmas album. Because while it may be impossible to come to a universal consensus about anything else these days, I think we can all agree that Mariah Carey's Christmas album is the greatest Christmas album of all time. And that hereby concludes the only positive thing I will ever say about Mariah Carey in my life. I would now usually proceed to make a Mariah Carey joke here but I’m currently saving them all for the Grammys. Just you wait…
(Also although this is only tangentially related to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, does anyone know who the hell Parson Brown is? Or why someone would think Christmas time was the correct season of the year to tell scary ghost stories? I mean tales of old glories of Christmases long, long ago I can understand, but scary ghost stories? Who does that at Christmas time?)
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Thoughts Had While Traveling
While waiting to try and find time to finish my West Wing article and some other stuff I’ve been working on, I thought I would share with you a sort of running journal I kept of my thoughts before, during, and after my recently post-Thanksgiving flight from Houston to New York. Because I know America has been clamoring for of running journal of my thoughts before, during, and after my post-Thanksgiving flight from Houston to New York. Well clamor no more.
* I really hate how people are so impatient with slow people ahead of them in any sort of line but then as soon as it’s their turn they take their sweet ass time.
NOTE: these next two thoughts deal with sports. Since I know probably 75% of my readership could care less about sports just know that if you are in that 75% you might literally die of boredom of you attempt to read them. So don’t skip over them at your own risk.
* If I was ever on Inside the Actors Studio I would definitely have to say that the profession I would least like to attempt is NFL field goal kicker. I’m sure there are many professions like sanitation worker, ditch digger, and slave, to name just a few that would seem “worse”, but stop and think about it for a moment – if you make the kick, great, you were supposed to, that’s your job. But if you miss then you suck and an entire city hates you. I mean sure it would seem like if you make a kick to win a game it would be exhilarating and everyone would love you, but if that’s true then how come no one can name a single good kicker in the NFL off their top of their head other than Adam Vinaterri? How can they be beloved heroes if no one can even remember their names? The only names people DO remember are the kickers who missed the big kicks. I mean the most famous kicker of all time is Scott Norwood. Should say something about being a kicker. All the pain, none of the glory, and every time you come on the field it's a pressure packed situation. And lord knows I don’t want anything to do with a profession that is filled with pressure, causes excessive nervousness, has a high probability for failure and often leads to people telling you that you’re not good...
* While the Colts seem safe for tonight, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Waiting for the other shoe” to drop is a term sportswriter Bill Simmons uses a lot to refer to the inevitability of the fact that whenever things seem perfect and too easy, something will go wrong and reveal that things were never that way in the first place. This applies to all aspects of life but is especially applicable to sports - an area of life where people try to assign meaning and order to something that is essentially luck-based meaningless chaos. After watching sports for enough years you start to learn that whenever it seems like everything is being set up to create a perfect “story” (The ’01 Super Bowl, The ’03 MLB playoffs, Game 5 of the ’05 NLCS, etc. etc., etc.) something will go wrong. In the case of the Colts it just seems inevitable that they are going to go 16-0, win the Super Bowl, and exorcise all their demons and the crap about how they cant win when it matters. And that’s why I get the feeling that won’t be the case. And why every game I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it surely will. Unless of course it doesn’t. Which is ultimately the point that makes sports so great. They're completely unpredictable and random and the only form of entertainment in which literally anything can happen. If you’re watching a movie, no matter how tense it gets you know that good guy will win, or that if he doesn’t, his loss will be equally as dramatic and compelling and meaningful as his win would have been. But not so with sports. Just because one team is better than the other doesn’t mean they will win. Just because one athlete is far superior to the other doesn’t mean the lesser athlete wont dominate that greater one. Boring teams no one cares about can win year after year, while exciting teams everyone loves can miss the playoffs. There’s no meaning to any of, which might be why since the beginning of organized athletics humans have tried so very hard to assign some sort of great meaning to it all. But it has none. Which makes you wonder if it’s really all worth it. Because, for example, a Cubs fan who was born after 1908 and is now dead would have lived their entire life and gotten only heartbreak from their team and never ultimate joy. They invested thousands upon thousands of hours of their life watching, discussing, and spending money on something that every single year left them heartbroken and disappointed (of course that’s what they deserve for being Cubs fans, but nevertheless…). As Bill Simmons said about the Red Sox a few years ago “if a sports team was a girl you would have broken up with her a long time ago.” But you can never break up with the teams you were raised with. You’re stuck with them for life for better or for worse. So you just pray that ultimately you chose wisely. Which is why I although I used to worry about raising my kids in New York because they would inevitably grow up to become Yankees fans and thus be given a false view of the way life works, I now think that’s probably for the best. And why, although I’m rooting for everything to go according to plan this year for the Colts, all I can say is, I’m glad I wasn't raised in Indianapolis.
(On a related note: its always nice watching a sporting event when it involves a team that you’re rooting for, but one that’s not actually “your team”. This year during the baseball playoffs some of the Astros games became literally too tense for me to watch. During the 18-inning game for example I had to leave my apartment and walk around the block getting updates by phone at the end of every half inning because the tension of actually watching it was too intense to possibly take. Which is why the NFL season is so refreshing. After the Oilers left Houston when I was a kid, I was free to pick a new “favorite” team every year. And since to me the NFL ranks just slightly ahead of golf on a list of sports I care about, it was easy to switch my allegiance to a new team almost overnight. Since the mid-90’s my “favorite team” has at one point or another been each of the following: The 49ers, The Cowboys, The Packers, The Rams, whatever team was playing against the Patriots that week, and now the Colts. Also throughout most of that time for some unexplainable reason if the Steelers or Raiders were involved in a game and the team that they were playing was not my “favorite team” of the moment, or each other, then I would root for them. Oh wait, sorry, I forgot that you don’t care…)
NOTE: non-sports fans, it is now safe to continue reading.
* Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that all of the passengers on any given plane with you are all going FROM and traveling TO the exact same place at the exact same time? That gives you something pretty significant in common with a rather large group of random strangers. Next time you’re on a plane look around at every person on board and think about that fact. And no I wasn’t stoned when I had this thought.
* I never really though about it before, but people who are dressed in cowboy boots, tight jeans with a huge belt buckle, a cowboy hat, a red and white checkered shirt, huge thick glasses the size of their face, and a jacket made out of horse hair, are people too. They aren’t just a caricature, but they are actual regular people just like you and me who have nice luggage, talk on cell phones, and travel regularly to New York City and actually enjoy doing so. And yes I swear I’m not stoned.
* I should really get around piecing together that West Wing article. I mean all I need is an eight hour uninterrupted block of free time, so really I have no excuse.
*What does it say about me that every time I fly from Houston to New York I ALWAYS do these three things?
1.) Buy and eat a blue or purple packet of Skittles while waiting at the gate to board
2.) Chew an entire pack of Bubblicious gum during descent
3.) Listen to the song “My Old School” by Steely Dan in the cab on the way home
Probably that I need serious medical attention.
(And also that I’m starting to share too much information in the journal here. I apologize.)
* I hate actors. I mean I really hate actors. But the actors I hate most of all are the actors who are obsessed with “Rent”. Is there another type of person on this planet who is more obnoxious? I think not. And I say this as a person who has seen the show seven times. And who as soon as he gets around to seeing the movie will surely write at least 3,000 words on it. But still, let this be a memo to all those obnoxious “Rent” people out there (and you know who you are): I hate you. And everyone else does too. So shut up.
* New York 1 has a meteorologist?!? When did this happen? First George Whipple, then Owen Gleiberman doing movie reviews, and now a meteorologist? What has happened to you New York 1? You’re turning into a regular local news show just one on a continuous loop. If it wasn’t for Weather On The Ones and Roma Torre I don’t know if I would watch you at all. Who would have thought our relationship would ever come to this?
* It also seems that now on New York 1 they have taken to devoting a large portion of time to telling you what stories or reports are coming up later, and exactly what time these stories or reports are coming up. It’s not enough that you’re watching right now, they want to make sure that you’ll keep watching for a few more minutes, so they waste time they could be using to give you news to tell you what news they are going to give you in the future. Now I don’t mind a mention of what’s coming up as you go to commercial break since I understand that its an effective way to make sure viewers stay tuned though the commercial, but when they start spending more time promoting an upcoming story than they do actually reporting that story (see: Entertainment Tonight, Sports Center, etc.), that’s when we have a problem. A big problem. I know its all just marketing, but in a way, it’s endemic of a much greater societal problem. There’s getting to be way too much emphasis on the future, at the expense of the present. How many times have you been excited about a movie or a CD coming out and then when it actually comes out you never bother to watch it or buy it? How many times have you been planning the names of the children you’re going to have with someone you’ve dated for a few weeks? How many times have you looked forward to an event or an occasion only to be disappointed by it? On that last count, nearly every day right? Well it seems to me, that’s because we no longer know how to enjoy the present. We live in the future and so when the future finally becomes the present we can no longer fully enjoy it because A.) we’ve already experienced it in our minds and B.) we’ve already moved on to a new future. Therefore the present is becoming an eternally disappointing and unimportant place. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m worried about what the new New York 1 promos at the top of every hour say about the future of the human race. And I swear on my life I’m not on drugs.
(Also, since I watched this excessive emphasis on what’s coming up ruin Sports Center I’m worried that it will ruin New York 1 too. And I’m worried they’re gonna turn into a regular local news show and that Gary Anthony Ramsey will be one day making awkward lame jokes with the weather guy. And then life will no longer be worth living. Clearly I should get out more.)
* There are many things I dislike in this world such as Paris Hilton, glitter, and Everybody Loves Raymond. But there are a few very special things and people that reach a whole nother level of hatred. I call this the “Bill O’Reilly Zone”, after the person I hate more than anyone or anything in the entire world. The depth of my hatred for Bill O’Reilly cannot possibly even come close to being put into words. No matter what level of physical or emotional harm befell Bill O’Reilly, I would never ever EVER feel even the slightest bit sad. His very existence makes me hate all of humanity for allowing him to even exist in any publicly visible way. And since in my above New York 1 rant I mentioned two of other the things on the “Bill O’Reilly Zone” list I thought now would be a good time to unveil the whole list as it currently stands. Because I suffer from the delusional idea that you care about such things.
List of People And Things For Which There Should Be Reserved A Special Circle of Hell Known As The Bill O’Reilly Zone:
-local news shows
-Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwarzbaum
-US Weekly
-Yoko Ono
-Maxim
-girls who wear Playboy apparel
-“Spiderman” & “Spiderman 2”
-Beyonce
-ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith
-The Cubs
-Dick Cheney
-The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
-really old, really rich residents of the Upper East Side (you know which ones I mean)
and of course…
-haters
The Top 5 Completely Unnecessary Industries I Wish Id Invented First:
1.) The Bottled Water Industry – This is the greatest mystery of our times. How in the world were we all convinced to start paying exorbitant prices for something essentially flavorless that we already get for free? Now don’t get me wrong, I love bottled water and see its great value if you are traveling, and I probably haven’t drunk tap water since I was about five, but still, how did bottled water become the phenomenon it is? I mean, had I been raised on tap water I’m sure I would have been fine with it, but as soon as my parents started buying Ozarka water for me at a young age I got it ingrained it my head that it was somehow better. And yet there is conclusive proof that there is absolutely nothing wrong with tap water and that it’s just as good for you as bottled water. And why on earth would someone go to a restaurant and order bottled water when water is already provided free of charge? And why do people carry bottles of water everywhere even places where there are plenty of drinking fountains available. To greatly paraphrase George Carlin when did we as human beings become so thirsty that we must carry water with us at all times? Can anyone answer any of these questions? I don’t have a problem with any of this per say, I just want to know how it got started.
2.) The Candle Industry – As far as I can tell candles serve almost no practical purpose today and yet I swear more candles are bought and sold in America today than in 1860 when they were used to actually light entire homes. Somehow we have been convinced that scented candles somehow actually emit a scent strong enough to be smelled more than two feet away, and that decorative candles are ever even noticed by visitors to our homes. Neither of these are true. Stop wasting your money.
3.) The Smoothie Industry – Now I enjoy a good smoothie as much as anyone, but really, are they in any way necessary? They are a nice refreshing treat, but some people are starting to treat Jamba Juice like it’s Starbucks. Coffee is an essential life need, much like water or air or heroin. Smoothies on the other hand have no real quantifiable purpose other than to taste good. I know they are supposed to make you more healthy or give you energy or alertness or some crap like that but if you buy that then I got two words for you: Suck Er.
4.) The Ring Tones Industry – Maybe it’s just a sign I’m getting too old, but I really don’t understand what the deal is with ring tones. I mean I haven’t completely “not gotten” a cultural phenomenon to this degree since the release of “Trapped in the Closet”.
(Speaking of “Trapped in the Closet”: did anyone see the episode of South Park where Stan discovers he might be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard and then insults Tom Cruise’s acting which causes a devastated Tom Cruise to hide in the closet while a variety of people including R. Kelly beg him to “come out of the closet”? Because I didn’t see it, I only read about it, but it sounds from the premise like it could have been one of the greatest episodes of a TV show ever. So I just wanted to know if anyone could confirm or deny this supposition.)
(Speaking of TV shows: wow that Desperate Housewives backlash was quick, harsh and the most predictable thing to happen since Jennifer Aniston decided to pose topless on the cover of GQ. Next up on America’s agenda: being “over” Family Guy.)
5.) The Higher Education “Industry” – There are few things I am more passionate about than education. If you think I get passionate about things sometimes here in the journal then talk to me some time about the state of education in this country. Just make sure you have a few hours. So I’m the last person in the world who would suggest that people should be less educated. But I will suggest that maybe higher education isn’t always the way to go about getting that extended education. Maybe it just becomes a prolonged adolescence for far too many people. Maybe it stifles truly original, creative, independent thought. And maybe our culture preaching that college is the only path to success creates a self-fulfilling prophecy for those who cannot for whatever reason attend college. This is a much bigger topic than I have the time to get into in this space but I will say this. Of the over 20 people in my extended family born between 1910-1930 of whom I have record of, only one of them went to college. And my family was pretty typical of the times. And yet when watching Good Night and Good Luck recently I was struck by how many large words and complex sentences were used on the nightly news. Whereas today, to quote John Simon, “we have apparently lost our tenuous grip on the compound sentence and the kind of thinking which requires its syntactical structures.” (And yes I just quoted John Simon. And yes I will now throw up in my mouth.) And this non-college going generation is also the generation that oversaw the rise of the United States to superpower status. So maybe college isn’t all its cracked up to be after all. This was all brought to my attention a while back through a semi life-changing article by Ted Ball from the old Might Magazine entitled “College is for Suckers”. I think the title makes his thesis pretty clear. And he just might have a point. Of course I didn’t go to a real college and I’m not pursuing a real career, so maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. So check back with me once I get my masters.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Oprah on Dave
2.) Walk the Line
3.) Charlize Theron in North Country
3 & 1/2.) Kiera Knightly in Pride and Prejudice
Thought of the Week:
“It will take me three hours to decide which compact discs to put in the backseat of my car. This is the kind of quandary that keeps people like m from sleeping; I never worry about nuclear war, or the economy or if we need to establish a Palestinian state, but I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I need to purchase all the less than stellar Rolling Stones albums from the 1980s for cataloging purposes.” – Chuck Klosterman
* I really hate how people are so impatient with slow people ahead of them in any sort of line but then as soon as it’s their turn they take their sweet ass time.
NOTE: these next two thoughts deal with sports. Since I know probably 75% of my readership could care less about sports just know that if you are in that 75% you might literally die of boredom of you attempt to read them. So don’t skip over them at your own risk.
* If I was ever on Inside the Actors Studio I would definitely have to say that the profession I would least like to attempt is NFL field goal kicker. I’m sure there are many professions like sanitation worker, ditch digger, and slave, to name just a few that would seem “worse”, but stop and think about it for a moment – if you make the kick, great, you were supposed to, that’s your job. But if you miss then you suck and an entire city hates you. I mean sure it would seem like if you make a kick to win a game it would be exhilarating and everyone would love you, but if that’s true then how come no one can name a single good kicker in the NFL off their top of their head other than Adam Vinaterri? How can they be beloved heroes if no one can even remember their names? The only names people DO remember are the kickers who missed the big kicks. I mean the most famous kicker of all time is Scott Norwood. Should say something about being a kicker. All the pain, none of the glory, and every time you come on the field it's a pressure packed situation. And lord knows I don’t want anything to do with a profession that is filled with pressure, causes excessive nervousness, has a high probability for failure and often leads to people telling you that you’re not good...
* While the Colts seem safe for tonight, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Waiting for the other shoe” to drop is a term sportswriter Bill Simmons uses a lot to refer to the inevitability of the fact that whenever things seem perfect and too easy, something will go wrong and reveal that things were never that way in the first place. This applies to all aspects of life but is especially applicable to sports - an area of life where people try to assign meaning and order to something that is essentially luck-based meaningless chaos. After watching sports for enough years you start to learn that whenever it seems like everything is being set up to create a perfect “story” (The ’01 Super Bowl, The ’03 MLB playoffs, Game 5 of the ’05 NLCS, etc. etc., etc.) something will go wrong. In the case of the Colts it just seems inevitable that they are going to go 16-0, win the Super Bowl, and exorcise all their demons and the crap about how they cant win when it matters. And that’s why I get the feeling that won’t be the case. And why every game I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it surely will. Unless of course it doesn’t. Which is ultimately the point that makes sports so great. They're completely unpredictable and random and the only form of entertainment in which literally anything can happen. If you’re watching a movie, no matter how tense it gets you know that good guy will win, or that if he doesn’t, his loss will be equally as dramatic and compelling and meaningful as his win would have been. But not so with sports. Just because one team is better than the other doesn’t mean they will win. Just because one athlete is far superior to the other doesn’t mean the lesser athlete wont dominate that greater one. Boring teams no one cares about can win year after year, while exciting teams everyone loves can miss the playoffs. There’s no meaning to any of, which might be why since the beginning of organized athletics humans have tried so very hard to assign some sort of great meaning to it all. But it has none. Which makes you wonder if it’s really all worth it. Because, for example, a Cubs fan who was born after 1908 and is now dead would have lived their entire life and gotten only heartbreak from their team and never ultimate joy. They invested thousands upon thousands of hours of their life watching, discussing, and spending money on something that every single year left them heartbroken and disappointed (of course that’s what they deserve for being Cubs fans, but nevertheless…). As Bill Simmons said about the Red Sox a few years ago “if a sports team was a girl you would have broken up with her a long time ago.” But you can never break up with the teams you were raised with. You’re stuck with them for life for better or for worse. So you just pray that ultimately you chose wisely. Which is why I although I used to worry about raising my kids in New York because they would inevitably grow up to become Yankees fans and thus be given a false view of the way life works, I now think that’s probably for the best. And why, although I’m rooting for everything to go according to plan this year for the Colts, all I can say is, I’m glad I wasn't raised in Indianapolis.
(On a related note: its always nice watching a sporting event when it involves a team that you’re rooting for, but one that’s not actually “your team”. This year during the baseball playoffs some of the Astros games became literally too tense for me to watch. During the 18-inning game for example I had to leave my apartment and walk around the block getting updates by phone at the end of every half inning because the tension of actually watching it was too intense to possibly take. Which is why the NFL season is so refreshing. After the Oilers left Houston when I was a kid, I was free to pick a new “favorite” team every year. And since to me the NFL ranks just slightly ahead of golf on a list of sports I care about, it was easy to switch my allegiance to a new team almost overnight. Since the mid-90’s my “favorite team” has at one point or another been each of the following: The 49ers, The Cowboys, The Packers, The Rams, whatever team was playing against the Patriots that week, and now the Colts. Also throughout most of that time for some unexplainable reason if the Steelers or Raiders were involved in a game and the team that they were playing was not my “favorite team” of the moment, or each other, then I would root for them. Oh wait, sorry, I forgot that you don’t care…)
NOTE: non-sports fans, it is now safe to continue reading.
* Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that all of the passengers on any given plane with you are all going FROM and traveling TO the exact same place at the exact same time? That gives you something pretty significant in common with a rather large group of random strangers. Next time you’re on a plane look around at every person on board and think about that fact. And no I wasn’t stoned when I had this thought.
* I never really though about it before, but people who are dressed in cowboy boots, tight jeans with a huge belt buckle, a cowboy hat, a red and white checkered shirt, huge thick glasses the size of their face, and a jacket made out of horse hair, are people too. They aren’t just a caricature, but they are actual regular people just like you and me who have nice luggage, talk on cell phones, and travel regularly to New York City and actually enjoy doing so. And yes I swear I’m not stoned.
* I should really get around piecing together that West Wing article. I mean all I need is an eight hour uninterrupted block of free time, so really I have no excuse.
*What does it say about me that every time I fly from Houston to New York I ALWAYS do these three things?
1.) Buy and eat a blue or purple packet of Skittles while waiting at the gate to board
2.) Chew an entire pack of Bubblicious gum during descent
3.) Listen to the song “My Old School” by Steely Dan in the cab on the way home
Probably that I need serious medical attention.
(And also that I’m starting to share too much information in the journal here. I apologize.)
* I hate actors. I mean I really hate actors. But the actors I hate most of all are the actors who are obsessed with “Rent”. Is there another type of person on this planet who is more obnoxious? I think not. And I say this as a person who has seen the show seven times. And who as soon as he gets around to seeing the movie will surely write at least 3,000 words on it. But still, let this be a memo to all those obnoxious “Rent” people out there (and you know who you are): I hate you. And everyone else does too. So shut up.
* New York 1 has a meteorologist?!? When did this happen? First George Whipple, then Owen Gleiberman doing movie reviews, and now a meteorologist? What has happened to you New York 1? You’re turning into a regular local news show just one on a continuous loop. If it wasn’t for Weather On The Ones and Roma Torre I don’t know if I would watch you at all. Who would have thought our relationship would ever come to this?
* It also seems that now on New York 1 they have taken to devoting a large portion of time to telling you what stories or reports are coming up later, and exactly what time these stories or reports are coming up. It’s not enough that you’re watching right now, they want to make sure that you’ll keep watching for a few more minutes, so they waste time they could be using to give you news to tell you what news they are going to give you in the future. Now I don’t mind a mention of what’s coming up as you go to commercial break since I understand that its an effective way to make sure viewers stay tuned though the commercial, but when they start spending more time promoting an upcoming story than they do actually reporting that story (see: Entertainment Tonight, Sports Center, etc.), that’s when we have a problem. A big problem. I know its all just marketing, but in a way, it’s endemic of a much greater societal problem. There’s getting to be way too much emphasis on the future, at the expense of the present. How many times have you been excited about a movie or a CD coming out and then when it actually comes out you never bother to watch it or buy it? How many times have you been planning the names of the children you’re going to have with someone you’ve dated for a few weeks? How many times have you looked forward to an event or an occasion only to be disappointed by it? On that last count, nearly every day right? Well it seems to me, that’s because we no longer know how to enjoy the present. We live in the future and so when the future finally becomes the present we can no longer fully enjoy it because A.) we’ve already experienced it in our minds and B.) we’ve already moved on to a new future. Therefore the present is becoming an eternally disappointing and unimportant place. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m worried about what the new New York 1 promos at the top of every hour say about the future of the human race. And I swear on my life I’m not on drugs.
(Also, since I watched this excessive emphasis on what’s coming up ruin Sports Center I’m worried that it will ruin New York 1 too. And I’m worried they’re gonna turn into a regular local news show and that Gary Anthony Ramsey will be one day making awkward lame jokes with the weather guy. And then life will no longer be worth living. Clearly I should get out more.)
* There are many things I dislike in this world such as Paris Hilton, glitter, and Everybody Loves Raymond. But there are a few very special things and people that reach a whole nother level of hatred. I call this the “Bill O’Reilly Zone”, after the person I hate more than anyone or anything in the entire world. The depth of my hatred for Bill O’Reilly cannot possibly even come close to being put into words. No matter what level of physical or emotional harm befell Bill O’Reilly, I would never ever EVER feel even the slightest bit sad. His very existence makes me hate all of humanity for allowing him to even exist in any publicly visible way. And since in my above New York 1 rant I mentioned two of other the things on the “Bill O’Reilly Zone” list I thought now would be a good time to unveil the whole list as it currently stands. Because I suffer from the delusional idea that you care about such things.
List of People And Things For Which There Should Be Reserved A Special Circle of Hell Known As The Bill O’Reilly Zone:
-local news shows
-Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwarzbaum
-US Weekly
-Yoko Ono
-Maxim
-girls who wear Playboy apparel
-“Spiderman” & “Spiderman 2”
-Beyonce
-ESPN’s Stephen A. Smith
-The Cubs
-Dick Cheney
-The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
-really old, really rich residents of the Upper East Side (you know which ones I mean)
and of course…
-haters
The Top 5 Completely Unnecessary Industries I Wish Id Invented First:
1.) The Bottled Water Industry – This is the greatest mystery of our times. How in the world were we all convinced to start paying exorbitant prices for something essentially flavorless that we already get for free? Now don’t get me wrong, I love bottled water and see its great value if you are traveling, and I probably haven’t drunk tap water since I was about five, but still, how did bottled water become the phenomenon it is? I mean, had I been raised on tap water I’m sure I would have been fine with it, but as soon as my parents started buying Ozarka water for me at a young age I got it ingrained it my head that it was somehow better. And yet there is conclusive proof that there is absolutely nothing wrong with tap water and that it’s just as good for you as bottled water. And why on earth would someone go to a restaurant and order bottled water when water is already provided free of charge? And why do people carry bottles of water everywhere even places where there are plenty of drinking fountains available. To greatly paraphrase George Carlin when did we as human beings become so thirsty that we must carry water with us at all times? Can anyone answer any of these questions? I don’t have a problem with any of this per say, I just want to know how it got started.
2.) The Candle Industry – As far as I can tell candles serve almost no practical purpose today and yet I swear more candles are bought and sold in America today than in 1860 when they were used to actually light entire homes. Somehow we have been convinced that scented candles somehow actually emit a scent strong enough to be smelled more than two feet away, and that decorative candles are ever even noticed by visitors to our homes. Neither of these are true. Stop wasting your money.
3.) The Smoothie Industry – Now I enjoy a good smoothie as much as anyone, but really, are they in any way necessary? They are a nice refreshing treat, but some people are starting to treat Jamba Juice like it’s Starbucks. Coffee is an essential life need, much like water or air or heroin. Smoothies on the other hand have no real quantifiable purpose other than to taste good. I know they are supposed to make you more healthy or give you energy or alertness or some crap like that but if you buy that then I got two words for you: Suck Er.
4.) The Ring Tones Industry – Maybe it’s just a sign I’m getting too old, but I really don’t understand what the deal is with ring tones. I mean I haven’t completely “not gotten” a cultural phenomenon to this degree since the release of “Trapped in the Closet”.
(Speaking of “Trapped in the Closet”: did anyone see the episode of South Park where Stan discovers he might be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard and then insults Tom Cruise’s acting which causes a devastated Tom Cruise to hide in the closet while a variety of people including R. Kelly beg him to “come out of the closet”? Because I didn’t see it, I only read about it, but it sounds from the premise like it could have been one of the greatest episodes of a TV show ever. So I just wanted to know if anyone could confirm or deny this supposition.)
(Speaking of TV shows: wow that Desperate Housewives backlash was quick, harsh and the most predictable thing to happen since Jennifer Aniston decided to pose topless on the cover of GQ. Next up on America’s agenda: being “over” Family Guy.)
5.) The Higher Education “Industry” – There are few things I am more passionate about than education. If you think I get passionate about things sometimes here in the journal then talk to me some time about the state of education in this country. Just make sure you have a few hours. So I’m the last person in the world who would suggest that people should be less educated. But I will suggest that maybe higher education isn’t always the way to go about getting that extended education. Maybe it just becomes a prolonged adolescence for far too many people. Maybe it stifles truly original, creative, independent thought. And maybe our culture preaching that college is the only path to success creates a self-fulfilling prophecy for those who cannot for whatever reason attend college. This is a much bigger topic than I have the time to get into in this space but I will say this. Of the over 20 people in my extended family born between 1910-1930 of whom I have record of, only one of them went to college. And my family was pretty typical of the times. And yet when watching Good Night and Good Luck recently I was struck by how many large words and complex sentences were used on the nightly news. Whereas today, to quote John Simon, “we have apparently lost our tenuous grip on the compound sentence and the kind of thinking which requires its syntactical structures.” (And yes I just quoted John Simon. And yes I will now throw up in my mouth.) And this non-college going generation is also the generation that oversaw the rise of the United States to superpower status. So maybe college isn’t all its cracked up to be after all. This was all brought to my attention a while back through a semi life-changing article by Ted Ball from the old Might Magazine entitled “College is for Suckers”. I think the title makes his thesis pretty clear. And he just might have a point. Of course I didn’t go to a real college and I’m not pursuing a real career, so maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. So check back with me once I get my masters.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Oprah on Dave
2.) Walk the Line
3.) Charlize Theron in North Country
3 & 1/2.) Kiera Knightly in Pride and Prejudice
Thought of the Week:
“It will take me three hours to decide which compact discs to put in the backseat of my car. This is the kind of quandary that keeps people like m from sleeping; I never worry about nuclear war, or the economy or if we need to establish a Palestinian state, but I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I need to purchase all the less than stellar Rolling Stones albums from the 1980s for cataloging purposes.” – Chuck Klosterman
Saturday, November 19, 2005
More Random Thoughts
* Props to the guy who invented the Caesar salad. I mean whoever this person was, all they did was take lettuce and put dressing on it. That’s like the least impressive achievement of all time. And yet it’s gone on to be the most popular “dish” of all time. Plus they are somehow magically delicious (and yes this is coming from the same person who has previously championed rice and water as great culinary achievements…). And if it was in fact Julius Caesar himself who invented it, then it’s the best thing he ever did. And keep in mind he did Cleopatra.
* Are the Geico motorcycle insurance commercials serious or are they joking? Because if they are joking, then the advertising agency for Geico is officially the greatest entity in the history of man. And if they are serious, then they really suck.
* The one question I’ve been dying to know is: Can you bird it? Can you do the bird?
(I’ve clearly been watching too much TV)
* Speaking of birds, my high school mascot was the falcon. Now surely your high school mascot was something different, but nevertheless I’m sure your high school had a cheer that went something like “Brrr, its cold in here, there must be some (insert your high school mascot here)s in the atmosphere”. How does that cheer make any sense? Why would the temperature of the gymnasium have anything to do with your school mascot being in the atmosphere? It’s almost as if the cheers in high school were created by a group of people who weren’t overly intelligent.
* Are we allowed to start commenting on the attractiveness of Hermoine from the Harry Potter movies yet, or do we have to wait a few more years? Because I have, umm, this friend who wants to know...
* As a connoisseur of Cheerios I must say that Yogurt Burst Cheerios are the best thing to happen to Cheerios since the invention of the letter O. They provide all of excitement of Fruit Burst Cheerios with none of the nutritional value. And yes I’m being completely serious.
* I think its time I came to terms with a fact about myself – I’m an anti-dentite
* When you stop and think about it, Sublime is perhaps the most apt band name ever.
Well, except for The Dave Matthews Band.
* I’m glad I’m not a girl because then I could never know the joy of growing a beard. There are few things more enjoyable then stroking one contemplatively. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) But then again I can never know the joy of pushing a child out of my vagina so I guess it evens out in the end…
* Maybe I’m turning into one of those old people who say, “How can you kids understand what those people are saying in the songs you listen to. It just sounds like gibberish to me” but after much scientific examination I SWEAR that this is the chorus to “Sugar, We’re Goin Down” - “We’re goin de da in a doodie da raou, and sugar we’re goin down swingin. I’ll be number one with a bullet, a lonely God complex, cock it and pull it.” And if that’s anywhere even in the neighborhood of being right then what the hell are they talking about? And seriously why does the dude in the video have antlers? Is this what the kids are into these days? Antlers?
* Speaking of song lyrics that make no sense what exactly does “I’ve got soul but I’m not a solider” mean? And can someone at some point please dedicate the song “Andy, You’re a Star” to me. I mean any song with that title that also contains the lyrics “you’re a star in nobody’s eyes but mine” and “hey, shut up” is clearly the most perfect song ever to dedicate to me. Can I somehow declare it my official theme song? And while we’re talking about The Killers, has anyone ever seen them and The Bravery in the same place at the same time? Can we verify that they are not actually the same band? And why do I take an inordinate amount of shots at a band that I actually really enjoy? And why can I not believe that its not butter?
* My one word review of The Colbert Report: “Why?”
* No disrespect intended, but is anyone else surprised by the runaway success of “Gold Digger” considering that “Heard ‘Em Say” and “Touch the Sky” are clearly the hit singles off that album?
(And if you think I wont have much more to say about Kanye in my already partially written year in review column them clearly you haven’t been reading through the contents of my hard drive.)
* Stock your fallout shelter – fact that Nick at Night is now airing The Jeff Foxworthy Show and the success of The Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha” are clearly signs that the apocalypse is nigh. And if its not, then it should be. Because clearly we deserve it. Seriously, that song is approaching Bill O’Reilly territory for me. And just for the record, Pussycat Dolls, the only thing I wish was different about my girlfriend is that she would own a handgun. So she could shoot you all in the face.
And I actually just made up that part about having a girlfriend.
But I think this journal kind of makes that self-evident.
* I have an announcement: I recently read a book. That might not seem like big deal, but it is for me. See I stopped reading books back in high school when I realized that I could not read the assigned books for class and still make better grades than the people who DID read the books. I guess you could say it was my form of rebellion. Some people got tattoos. Some people smoked cigarettes. Some people dyed their hair blue. I didn’t read books. But the other day I finished a book that had over three hundred pages in it. And let me tell you something; it felt pretty good. In fact I plan to do it again soon. I’ve always liked the IDEA of reading books, just not the actual action of it. Well now I can say that I enjoy them both.
And just a little advice to any aspiring future Mrs. Fredtheonlinejournals: I think there are few things sexier than a girl who reads. So let the competition begin.
Have I mentioned yet that I can name all of the presidents in order?
* Listening to Elliott Smith before noon is like drink scotch before noon. It’s a sign that you have a serious problem. Of course then again I’m the person who says listening to Elliott Smith period is a sign you have a serious problem.
(And I’ve now officially angered and alienated literally everyone I know. I would suggest though that you save your angry emails until 2008 when I announce I’m voting for John McCain.)
*Do girls really just want to have fun? Because I was under the impression that girls tell themselves they just want to have fun but really they are constitutionally incapable of just having fun because they are burdened with the inescapable need to immediately have a permanent committed relationship with their soul mate, or in lieu of their soul mate, whoever happens to be standing nearby. I guess that just wasn’t as catchy of a title though. And yes I do realize that my mailbox is now officially filled up with hate mail. And while we’re on the topic of Cyndi Lauper songs, why does she not get more credit? I mean her first two singles were “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Time After Time”. Have there ever been two more diametrically opposed singles in history? And they both came from the same artist. And they were the first two songs she ever released. How is this not talked about more?
* Have you stopped to actually look at the color of Mountain Dew recently? Is it just me or should human beings not be putting something that color into their bodies? I was always taught as a child to avoid drinking any glowing neon green liquids, but then again maybe I was taught wrong. And while we’re on the subject, what ever happened to Mountain Dew Code Red? I’m assuming it’s not being made anymore, but could we have been given some kind of warning that it was going to stop being produced? Everything seemed perfectly okay and then one day with no warning, it was just gone. Much like my last wife. This is not okay.
* I think that if I was on the highway to hell I wouldn’t really give a shit about obeying the traffic laws.
* You hear people often talk about how baseball is a metaphor for life. Or how chess is a metaphor for life. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it discussed though that the card game B.S. is a great metaphor for life. It should be though. Solitaire as well.
* Have all four major Oscar races ever been decided this early before? Im almost hoping Muinch is disappointing or that more than four people see TransAmerica just so things will get interesting. But then again I like Speilberg and Reese Witherspoon so it really doesnt matter. The real category we need to shake things up in is Best Actor. Joaquin Phoenix has an impossible name to spell and he seems like a socially maladjusted humorless weirdo. And not in a good way. So Im taking it upon myself to begin the Phillip Seymour Hoffman Best Actor counter-campaign as of this moment. Although its not like I really needed a reason...
(Have I mentioned yet ladies that I can name every Oscar winner since 1950?)
(Really, all I want for Christmas is a life.)
* Trying to choose my favorite Sarah Silverman joke is like trying to choose my favorite variety of Prego tomato sauce – its just not possible. But for today Ill have to go with this one: “I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”
* Last but not least, on a serious note, have a great Thanksgiving.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The West Wing Season 2 (Thoughts are forthcoming)
2.) Interpol – “Antics” (album)
3.) Sarah Silverman
3 & 1/2.) A new Dutchwest column from yours truly: http://dutchwest.tv/
Thought of the Week: Its been a few weeks since I saw Ben Folds at Radio City, but I think I can safely say hearing a sold out Radio City Music Hall in unison singing “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks, lick on these nuts and suck the dick” is one of the highlights of my life. And I think we really need to give more credit to the man responsible for the best ever cover of a rap song (“Bitches Ain’t Shit”), the best ever tribute song to a dead celebrity (“Late”), the best ever song about an artist’s own kid (“Still Fightin’ It”), the best ever song about abortion (“Brick”), and the best ever song about becoming a born again Christian after tripping on acid at a friend’s pool party (“Not the Same”).
* Are the Geico motorcycle insurance commercials serious or are they joking? Because if they are joking, then the advertising agency for Geico is officially the greatest entity in the history of man. And if they are serious, then they really suck.
* The one question I’ve been dying to know is: Can you bird it? Can you do the bird?
(I’ve clearly been watching too much TV)
* Speaking of birds, my high school mascot was the falcon. Now surely your high school mascot was something different, but nevertheless I’m sure your high school had a cheer that went something like “Brrr, its cold in here, there must be some (insert your high school mascot here)s in the atmosphere”. How does that cheer make any sense? Why would the temperature of the gymnasium have anything to do with your school mascot being in the atmosphere? It’s almost as if the cheers in high school were created by a group of people who weren’t overly intelligent.
* Are we allowed to start commenting on the attractiveness of Hermoine from the Harry Potter movies yet, or do we have to wait a few more years? Because I have, umm, this friend who wants to know...
* As a connoisseur of Cheerios I must say that Yogurt Burst Cheerios are the best thing to happen to Cheerios since the invention of the letter O. They provide all of excitement of Fruit Burst Cheerios with none of the nutritional value. And yes I’m being completely serious.
* I think its time I came to terms with a fact about myself – I’m an anti-dentite
* When you stop and think about it, Sublime is perhaps the most apt band name ever.
Well, except for The Dave Matthews Band.
* I’m glad I’m not a girl because then I could never know the joy of growing a beard. There are few things more enjoyable then stroking one contemplatively. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) But then again I can never know the joy of pushing a child out of my vagina so I guess it evens out in the end…
* Maybe I’m turning into one of those old people who say, “How can you kids understand what those people are saying in the songs you listen to. It just sounds like gibberish to me” but after much scientific examination I SWEAR that this is the chorus to “Sugar, We’re Goin Down” - “We’re goin de da in a doodie da raou, and sugar we’re goin down swingin. I’ll be number one with a bullet, a lonely God complex, cock it and pull it.” And if that’s anywhere even in the neighborhood of being right then what the hell are they talking about? And seriously why does the dude in the video have antlers? Is this what the kids are into these days? Antlers?
* Speaking of song lyrics that make no sense what exactly does “I’ve got soul but I’m not a solider” mean? And can someone at some point please dedicate the song “Andy, You’re a Star” to me. I mean any song with that title that also contains the lyrics “you’re a star in nobody’s eyes but mine” and “hey, shut up” is clearly the most perfect song ever to dedicate to me. Can I somehow declare it my official theme song? And while we’re talking about The Killers, has anyone ever seen them and The Bravery in the same place at the same time? Can we verify that they are not actually the same band? And why do I take an inordinate amount of shots at a band that I actually really enjoy? And why can I not believe that its not butter?
* My one word review of The Colbert Report: “Why?”
* No disrespect intended, but is anyone else surprised by the runaway success of “Gold Digger” considering that “Heard ‘Em Say” and “Touch the Sky” are clearly the hit singles off that album?
(And if you think I wont have much more to say about Kanye in my already partially written year in review column them clearly you haven’t been reading through the contents of my hard drive.)
* Stock your fallout shelter – fact that Nick at Night is now airing The Jeff Foxworthy Show and the success of The Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha” are clearly signs that the apocalypse is nigh. And if its not, then it should be. Because clearly we deserve it. Seriously, that song is approaching Bill O’Reilly territory for me. And just for the record, Pussycat Dolls, the only thing I wish was different about my girlfriend is that she would own a handgun. So she could shoot you all in the face.
And I actually just made up that part about having a girlfriend.
But I think this journal kind of makes that self-evident.
* I have an announcement: I recently read a book. That might not seem like big deal, but it is for me. See I stopped reading books back in high school when I realized that I could not read the assigned books for class and still make better grades than the people who DID read the books. I guess you could say it was my form of rebellion. Some people got tattoos. Some people smoked cigarettes. Some people dyed their hair blue. I didn’t read books. But the other day I finished a book that had over three hundred pages in it. And let me tell you something; it felt pretty good. In fact I plan to do it again soon. I’ve always liked the IDEA of reading books, just not the actual action of it. Well now I can say that I enjoy them both.
And just a little advice to any aspiring future Mrs. Fredtheonlinejournals: I think there are few things sexier than a girl who reads. So let the competition begin.
Have I mentioned yet that I can name all of the presidents in order?
* Listening to Elliott Smith before noon is like drink scotch before noon. It’s a sign that you have a serious problem. Of course then again I’m the person who says listening to Elliott Smith period is a sign you have a serious problem.
(And I’ve now officially angered and alienated literally everyone I know. I would suggest though that you save your angry emails until 2008 when I announce I’m voting for John McCain.)
*Do girls really just want to have fun? Because I was under the impression that girls tell themselves they just want to have fun but really they are constitutionally incapable of just having fun because they are burdened with the inescapable need to immediately have a permanent committed relationship with their soul mate, or in lieu of their soul mate, whoever happens to be standing nearby. I guess that just wasn’t as catchy of a title though. And yes I do realize that my mailbox is now officially filled up with hate mail. And while we’re on the topic of Cyndi Lauper songs, why does she not get more credit? I mean her first two singles were “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Time After Time”. Have there ever been two more diametrically opposed singles in history? And they both came from the same artist. And they were the first two songs she ever released. How is this not talked about more?
* Have you stopped to actually look at the color of Mountain Dew recently? Is it just me or should human beings not be putting something that color into their bodies? I was always taught as a child to avoid drinking any glowing neon green liquids, but then again maybe I was taught wrong. And while we’re on the subject, what ever happened to Mountain Dew Code Red? I’m assuming it’s not being made anymore, but could we have been given some kind of warning that it was going to stop being produced? Everything seemed perfectly okay and then one day with no warning, it was just gone. Much like my last wife. This is not okay.
* I think that if I was on the highway to hell I wouldn’t really give a shit about obeying the traffic laws.
* You hear people often talk about how baseball is a metaphor for life. Or how chess is a metaphor for life. I don’t think I’ve ever heard it discussed though that the card game B.S. is a great metaphor for life. It should be though. Solitaire as well.
* Have all four major Oscar races ever been decided this early before? Im almost hoping Muinch is disappointing or that more than four people see TransAmerica just so things will get interesting. But then again I like Speilberg and Reese Witherspoon so it really doesnt matter. The real category we need to shake things up in is Best Actor. Joaquin Phoenix has an impossible name to spell and he seems like a socially maladjusted humorless weirdo. And not in a good way. So Im taking it upon myself to begin the Phillip Seymour Hoffman Best Actor counter-campaign as of this moment. Although its not like I really needed a reason...
(Have I mentioned yet ladies that I can name every Oscar winner since 1950?)
(Really, all I want for Christmas is a life.)
* Trying to choose my favorite Sarah Silverman joke is like trying to choose my favorite variety of Prego tomato sauce – its just not possible. But for today Ill have to go with this one: “I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving.”
* Last but not least, on a serious note, have a great Thanksgiving.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The West Wing Season 2 (Thoughts are forthcoming)
2.) Interpol – “Antics” (album)
3.) Sarah Silverman
3 & 1/2.) A new Dutchwest column from yours truly: http://dutchwest.tv/
Thought of the Week: Its been a few weeks since I saw Ben Folds at Radio City, but I think I can safely say hearing a sold out Radio City Music Hall in unison singing “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks, lick on these nuts and suck the dick” is one of the highlights of my life. And I think we really need to give more credit to the man responsible for the best ever cover of a rap song (“Bitches Ain’t Shit”), the best ever tribute song to a dead celebrity (“Late”), the best ever song about an artist’s own kid (“Still Fightin’ It”), the best ever song about abortion (“Brick”), and the best ever song about becoming a born again Christian after tripping on acid at a friend’s pool party (“Not the Same”).
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
One and a Half Thumbs Down
Looking back through the archives of this “journal” I have, over the course of 40 something posts, made a few things very clear. My love of baseball. My hatred of Beyonce. My complete indifference to spell check. But one thing that I could not possibly stress enough even if I devoted every entry from now until the end of time solely to discussing it, is my deep passion for all things Cameron Crowe. Bono may be God and The Beatles may be the greatest artists in any medium ever, but no one “speaks to me” in a more personal way than Cameron Crowe. He’s the writer/director I would be if I were a writer/director. And if I were talented. On the very top of my list of things to do before I die is to be in a Cameron Crowe movie. And even if it means one day I have to quit my job to fly to China to be an extra on his movie about a Chinese guy who comes of age with the help of a too-good-to-be true girl, rock music, and his own innate optimism, then that’s what Ill do. Even if it means I’ll have to put off doing other things on my list, like heaving a bag of flaming dog shit at Bill O’Reilly, I’ll do it. That’s how much I love Cameron Crowe. Depending on the day and my mood, I could maybe say that he has written and directed each of my top four movies. And he’s only made four movies! (And don’t try and tell me Fast Times at Ridgemont High counts because it doesn’t. He only wrote it and didn’t direct it, and therefore it’s disqualified. And Singles doesn’t count because Singles never happened.) So naturally, to say I was excited about seeing Elizabethtown would be like saying Matt Dillon was excited the day they filmed the threesome scene in Wild Things. Which is to say I was very excited.
And then of course, I actually SAW Elizabethtown.
Now to be fair to Elizabethtown, it wasn’t as bad as most people have made it out to be. But then, the more I think about it, I think maybe I’m just too in denial to accept the truth. But then again, I think it wasn’t that it was so bad on its own terms, it was just bad considering what it could have been. And should have been. It should have been the movie Garden State wanted to be. It should have been my new favorite movie. It should have been the best Cameron Crowe film yet. I mean, I can’t think of an outline for a movie I would possibly like more: Guy fails at his job in the big city, becomes numb to the world, then has to go home to deal with his father’s death, and while there, he comes to terms with his southern roots and is helped on the road to redemption by music and by a girl who seems too good to be true but who hides demons of her own just beneath the surface. It was like Cameron read my mind and made the exact movie I would want to make if I made movies. He even threw in southern rock, a road trip, and eccentric southern relatives to complete his personal appeal to my heart. Only problem was on the road to creating my favorite movie of all-time he forgot one simple ingredient - to make a good movie. Instead he made a movie that was just wildly disappointing. As I told Lauren Morelli the other day, “It’s the only movie I’ve ever seen where I laughed, I cried, I cheered, I sat on the edge of my seat, and when it was over thought, ‘well that sucked.’”
And so I’ve now made it my personal mission in life to one day remake the movie the way it should have been made. But in order for my remake to be successful I need to analyze what worked, what didn’t work, and what REALLY didn’t work. So if you’ll allow me a little cathartic reflection here Ill delve into The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of Elizabethtown.
Note: If you haven’t seen Elizabethtown yet you should stop reading now because this contains more spoilers than the What Lies Beneath trailer. Also because you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. But then again, do you ever?
The Good:
*The music: It’s a Cameron Crowe movie so of course the use of music was outstanding. The “My Father’s Gun” scene and the “Freebird” scene rank up there among the very best Cameron Crowe music moments. They may not quite be “Tiny Dancer” in Almost Famous or “In Your Eyes” in Say Anything… but then what is? They are definitely on a level with “River” in Almost Famous and “Good Vibrations” in Vanilla Sky though. And there enough more good music moments that once again I have another Cameron Crowe movie soundtrack on my Christmas list. But I think we could have called that before I even saw it. I read in an interview with Cameron that he and Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino have an unofficial rivalry in regards to who can make the best use of existing pop songs in their movies. Well Cameron once again raised the stakes. Looks like you’ll have to do better than Dutch covers of David Bowie songs next time Wes. In fact there’s no way you could ever top Cameron so you should just give it up. And really after he became the first person to use “Solsbury Hill” in a trailer, wasn’t this competition pretty much over anyway? So Wes, just stop. Quit making movies altogether. What’s the point? Noah Baumbach is now all ready to take over for you. So quit now and hand over the reins. And while you’re at it, get the avian flu.
(Although I have to say that as great as it was, the “Freebird” scene was completely implausible. I mean why would the band keep playing in those circumstances? And what does it say about Cameron that so many of the best moments in his movies come when there’s only music playing and no dialogue? And why does it feel like maybe he would have been better off just making Elizabethtown a long music video with no speaking? And why did it feel like there was a little too much music and that it was being used to substitute for actual emotion? And that it seemed like he was trying to hard with his musical choices this time? And why do these things keep me up at night? And what does it say about the movie that all of this is under the heading “The Good”? And why am I going now to gouge my eyes out with a spoon?)
*Kirsten Dunst
I hate Kirsten Dunst. I am using the word hate here to describe Kirsten Dunst. I hate her personality. I hate her acting. I hate Jake Gyllenhaal by association. (Although after seeing Proof I think I can safely say I hate Jake Gyllenhaal on his own terms.) But the point is I really hate Kirsten Dunst. And yet I really liked her in this movie. A lot. In fact it almost made me rethink my whole anti-Kirsten Dunst position. Almost. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think casting her as Penny Lane would have been the worst disaster to befall American cinema since Singles. That is if Singles had ever actually happened. Which it didn’t. But at least now I could see how Cameron could have considered her for that role. And I have now said something nice about Kirsten Dunst. And if you want to include Virgin Suicides and Eternal Sunshine then I may have said three nice things about Kirsten Dunst.
And I also may hate myself in the morning.
So lets just pretend we never had this conversation shall we?
(Good as she may have been though, I still think a better actress could have done much more with that part. Like Rachael McAdams. Or my dead grandmother. And thinking too much about this movie might drive me insane. Moving on….)
*The “Cameron Crowe moments”: The almost kiss at the gas station. Orlando’s flashbacks to his memories of his father. The scene in the graveyard. The “My Father’s Gun” montage of family members. The first drive into town (which would have brilliant if it had been set up properly). Simple lines of dialogue like “we peaked on the phone” and “everyone is less mysterious than they think they are”. It’s in little things like these that the Cameron Crowe touch shines through and makes your $10.75 worth every penny.
The Bad:
*The pacing: It wasn’t that it was slow, it was just that so many scenes seemed unnecessary. Like for example, well, all of them.
*The implausibility of the road trip: a good concept but laughably implausible. I mean how could everything be timed out so precisely? Give me a break. But even with that being said I almost would have just gone along with it if only Cameron hadn’t included the part where the tape is timed out to know the exact moment the business magazine with Orlando Bloom on the cover would hit one specific newsstand. With that moment any shred of plausibility the road trip was clinging to went flying out the window like my dignity at a dance party.
*The fact it doesn’t end when it should: I said it to Garden State and Ill say it to you too Elizabethtown. You’re a movie about a guy coming of age in his own unique way - you shouldn’t reduce yourself to a trite love story. The “love story” is just one simple part of a much bigger whole. So don’t tack on some crowd-pleasing studio-mandated ending where you unrealistically reunite the guy with the girl. End when you should have - with the car riding off into the distance as your protagonist scatters his father’s ashes along the open road of some country highway with no one around for miles. You had a PERFECT last shot and you pussied out. Did you not watch A.I: Artificial Intelligence? When you’ve got a perfect ending, have the balls to use it. This is the most common complaint I have with movies these days. They so many times have scenes in them that would make perfect endings, but the filmmakers pussy out and feel the need to tack on some lame unnecessary resolution scene because they think we, the audience, need it. We don’t. Leave stuff unresolved. Leave us wanting more, not less. A good rule for all things in life. Especially movies.
*The fact that Cameron was repeating himself: Susan Sarandon was clearly playing his real life mother and Judy Greer was clearly playing his real life sister, which would be fine except for the fact that he already used both of them as prominent characters in a previous movie and so it seems like Susan Sarandon and Judy Greer are just doing bad Frances McDormand and Zooey Deschanel impersonations. And it’s distracting seeing the same characters played by new people, but there being no acknowledgment made that they are indeed the same characters. And the “taking pictures with an imaginary camera” thing Kristen Dunst does is a Penny Lane thing. And the wedding party at the hotel was just a take off on the Riot House. And it all just goes to show once you’ve done one overtly autobiographical movie you can’t reuse elements of that movie in any of your other movies. Unless of course you’re Woody Allen.
The Ugly:
*The beginning: Other than the last item on this list this was the most easily fixable thing that hurt the movie the most. (If that makes any sense.) If we don’t care about Drew and his failure and really become invested in his fall from grace, then movie doesn’t work. But instead of taking the time to allow us to do those things, the movie instead asked to care too much and too soon about a character we barely know. And to compound the problem, the movie tries to make jokes in the middle of his suffering leaving us completely confused as to how we’re supposed to be feeling. It all leads to a scene of him trying to kill himself using a knife taped to a bike, only the knife keeps falling off so he cant go through with it. This moment in many ways encapsulates so much about why the whole movie didn’t work. The tone is just completely off. Now I get what Cameron was going for – this guy’s life is so pathetic he can’t even kill himself properly. But if you don’t make his pain real and palpable and instead make jokes about it, then how can you expect the audience to care at all about his redemption? You can’t. And that’s just one bad choice among many that contribute to make the first segment of the movie a complete failure. The decision to make Alec Baldwin’s character so cartoonish, the decision to make the amount of money lost a little over the top and unrealistic, and the decision to make the issue at hand be shoes (the oddest choice of all as it's somewhat hard to take shoes seriously as the source of a life crippling tragedy) are all the wrong choices and they all contribute to throw the whole tone of the first scenes off. And since the first scenes set up the whole rest of the movie, if they don’t work then the movie doesn’t work. If you don’t feel Drew’s pain when he empties out his apartment then the emotions you should feel on his first drive through Elizabethtown wont be there. And they weren’t. But you could almost feel what they should have been had then been there. And that feeling of knowing that you SHOULD be feeling something, is way more feeling than anything that came before it in the movie caused me to feel.
And none of that made any sense.
Elizabethtown has officially driven me insane.
*The structure: I’ve seen the movie described as a series of disjointed vignettes. And I agree. And I hate to say it, but that’s solely the screenplay’s fault. Which means that almost more than anything else the movie didn’t work because of its screenplay. And that’s something I thought I would NEVER have to say about a Cameron Crowe movie.
*Orlando Bloom: When Elizabethtown was first announced several years ago as Cameron Crowe’s next project he had originally cast Ashton Kutcher as the lead. And that’s when I first started to worry about Elizabethtown. But then Cameron decided to let Ashton go and recast the part. “Whew”, I thought, “dodged that bullet”. I mean anyone else in the whole world had to be an improvement over Ashton Kutcher right? Wrong. There was someone worse. MUCH worse. And that person was Orlando Bloom. If this movie doesn’t ruin his entire career and ensure that he will never be taken seriously as an actor ever again then some is something seriously wrong with the American movie-going public. Because in Elizabethtown Orlando Bloom gives what has to be the worst performance in my lifetime by a “serious” “name” actor. I mean I can’t think of anyone worse. And by saying “serious” I eliminate action stars like Steven Segal, Sly Stallone, and Jackie Chan as well as comedians turned actors and anyone else (athletes, singers, models, etc.) who didn’t start out as an actor but used their fame in another field to become one. And by “name” actor I eliminate every crappy actor you’ve never heard of. And by “actor” I eliminate Keanu Reeves. But with those stipulations in place I can’t think of a worse performance by an actor in a major role in a major movie, in EVER. Well at least in the past 25 years or so. I never really thought one way or the other about Orlando Bloom before Elizabethtown, but now I will never be able to take him seriously as an actor in any movie for the entire rest of his career. That’s how bad he was. The entire movie was ruined because you had a protagonist who you completely didn’t care about because he gave you no reason to. His eyes were completely vacant. His American accent was completely awkward and unbelievable. And he seemed completely overmatched acting-wise in every scene he was in, including all of his scenes he had with Kirsten Dunst, which should tell you all you need to know. Make the exact same movie and recast someone even halfway decent as the lead and you’ve got yourself a successful movie. Instead, with Orlando Bloom you have…well…not much. He says it himself in the movie – there’s a difference between a failure and a fiasco. Yes there is. Elizabethtown is only a failure. Orlando Bloom is a fiasco.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Office Special & the last episode of Series 2
2.) Grey’s Anatomy
3.) The Squid and the Whale
3 & 1/2.) “Speak Slow” – Tegan & Sara
Thought of the Week:
When I was little it used to upset me greatly that Kevin didn’t marry Winnie at the end of The Wonder Years. Now I’ve grown into someone who gets upset by the fact that Dawn comes back for Tim at the end of The Office. That’s what age will do you I guess.
And then of course, I actually SAW Elizabethtown.
Now to be fair to Elizabethtown, it wasn’t as bad as most people have made it out to be. But then, the more I think about it, I think maybe I’m just too in denial to accept the truth. But then again, I think it wasn’t that it was so bad on its own terms, it was just bad considering what it could have been. And should have been. It should have been the movie Garden State wanted to be. It should have been my new favorite movie. It should have been the best Cameron Crowe film yet. I mean, I can’t think of an outline for a movie I would possibly like more: Guy fails at his job in the big city, becomes numb to the world, then has to go home to deal with his father’s death, and while there, he comes to terms with his southern roots and is helped on the road to redemption by music and by a girl who seems too good to be true but who hides demons of her own just beneath the surface. It was like Cameron read my mind and made the exact movie I would want to make if I made movies. He even threw in southern rock, a road trip, and eccentric southern relatives to complete his personal appeal to my heart. Only problem was on the road to creating my favorite movie of all-time he forgot one simple ingredient - to make a good movie. Instead he made a movie that was just wildly disappointing. As I told Lauren Morelli the other day, “It’s the only movie I’ve ever seen where I laughed, I cried, I cheered, I sat on the edge of my seat, and when it was over thought, ‘well that sucked.’”
And so I’ve now made it my personal mission in life to one day remake the movie the way it should have been made. But in order for my remake to be successful I need to analyze what worked, what didn’t work, and what REALLY didn’t work. So if you’ll allow me a little cathartic reflection here Ill delve into The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of Elizabethtown.
Note: If you haven’t seen Elizabethtown yet you should stop reading now because this contains more spoilers than the What Lies Beneath trailer. Also because you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about. But then again, do you ever?
The Good:
*The music: It’s a Cameron Crowe movie so of course the use of music was outstanding. The “My Father’s Gun” scene and the “Freebird” scene rank up there among the very best Cameron Crowe music moments. They may not quite be “Tiny Dancer” in Almost Famous or “In Your Eyes” in Say Anything… but then what is? They are definitely on a level with “River” in Almost Famous and “Good Vibrations” in Vanilla Sky though. And there enough more good music moments that once again I have another Cameron Crowe movie soundtrack on my Christmas list. But I think we could have called that before I even saw it. I read in an interview with Cameron that he and Wes Anderson and Quentin Tarantino have an unofficial rivalry in regards to who can make the best use of existing pop songs in their movies. Well Cameron once again raised the stakes. Looks like you’ll have to do better than Dutch covers of David Bowie songs next time Wes. In fact there’s no way you could ever top Cameron so you should just give it up. And really after he became the first person to use “Solsbury Hill” in a trailer, wasn’t this competition pretty much over anyway? So Wes, just stop. Quit making movies altogether. What’s the point? Noah Baumbach is now all ready to take over for you. So quit now and hand over the reins. And while you’re at it, get the avian flu.
(Although I have to say that as great as it was, the “Freebird” scene was completely implausible. I mean why would the band keep playing in those circumstances? And what does it say about Cameron that so many of the best moments in his movies come when there’s only music playing and no dialogue? And why does it feel like maybe he would have been better off just making Elizabethtown a long music video with no speaking? And why did it feel like there was a little too much music and that it was being used to substitute for actual emotion? And that it seemed like he was trying to hard with his musical choices this time? And why do these things keep me up at night? And what does it say about the movie that all of this is under the heading “The Good”? And why am I going now to gouge my eyes out with a spoon?)
*Kirsten Dunst
I hate Kirsten Dunst. I am using the word hate here to describe Kirsten Dunst. I hate her personality. I hate her acting. I hate Jake Gyllenhaal by association. (Although after seeing Proof I think I can safely say I hate Jake Gyllenhaal on his own terms.) But the point is I really hate Kirsten Dunst. And yet I really liked her in this movie. A lot. In fact it almost made me rethink my whole anti-Kirsten Dunst position. Almost. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think casting her as Penny Lane would have been the worst disaster to befall American cinema since Singles. That is if Singles had ever actually happened. Which it didn’t. But at least now I could see how Cameron could have considered her for that role. And I have now said something nice about Kirsten Dunst. And if you want to include Virgin Suicides and Eternal Sunshine then I may have said three nice things about Kirsten Dunst.
And I also may hate myself in the morning.
So lets just pretend we never had this conversation shall we?
(Good as she may have been though, I still think a better actress could have done much more with that part. Like Rachael McAdams. Or my dead grandmother. And thinking too much about this movie might drive me insane. Moving on….)
*The “Cameron Crowe moments”: The almost kiss at the gas station. Orlando’s flashbacks to his memories of his father. The scene in the graveyard. The “My Father’s Gun” montage of family members. The first drive into town (which would have brilliant if it had been set up properly). Simple lines of dialogue like “we peaked on the phone” and “everyone is less mysterious than they think they are”. It’s in little things like these that the Cameron Crowe touch shines through and makes your $10.75 worth every penny.
The Bad:
*The pacing: It wasn’t that it was slow, it was just that so many scenes seemed unnecessary. Like for example, well, all of them.
*The implausibility of the road trip: a good concept but laughably implausible. I mean how could everything be timed out so precisely? Give me a break. But even with that being said I almost would have just gone along with it if only Cameron hadn’t included the part where the tape is timed out to know the exact moment the business magazine with Orlando Bloom on the cover would hit one specific newsstand. With that moment any shred of plausibility the road trip was clinging to went flying out the window like my dignity at a dance party.
*The fact it doesn’t end when it should: I said it to Garden State and Ill say it to you too Elizabethtown. You’re a movie about a guy coming of age in his own unique way - you shouldn’t reduce yourself to a trite love story. The “love story” is just one simple part of a much bigger whole. So don’t tack on some crowd-pleasing studio-mandated ending where you unrealistically reunite the guy with the girl. End when you should have - with the car riding off into the distance as your protagonist scatters his father’s ashes along the open road of some country highway with no one around for miles. You had a PERFECT last shot and you pussied out. Did you not watch A.I: Artificial Intelligence? When you’ve got a perfect ending, have the balls to use it. This is the most common complaint I have with movies these days. They so many times have scenes in them that would make perfect endings, but the filmmakers pussy out and feel the need to tack on some lame unnecessary resolution scene because they think we, the audience, need it. We don’t. Leave stuff unresolved. Leave us wanting more, not less. A good rule for all things in life. Especially movies.
*The fact that Cameron was repeating himself: Susan Sarandon was clearly playing his real life mother and Judy Greer was clearly playing his real life sister, which would be fine except for the fact that he already used both of them as prominent characters in a previous movie and so it seems like Susan Sarandon and Judy Greer are just doing bad Frances McDormand and Zooey Deschanel impersonations. And it’s distracting seeing the same characters played by new people, but there being no acknowledgment made that they are indeed the same characters. And the “taking pictures with an imaginary camera” thing Kristen Dunst does is a Penny Lane thing. And the wedding party at the hotel was just a take off on the Riot House. And it all just goes to show once you’ve done one overtly autobiographical movie you can’t reuse elements of that movie in any of your other movies. Unless of course you’re Woody Allen.
The Ugly:
*The beginning: Other than the last item on this list this was the most easily fixable thing that hurt the movie the most. (If that makes any sense.) If we don’t care about Drew and his failure and really become invested in his fall from grace, then movie doesn’t work. But instead of taking the time to allow us to do those things, the movie instead asked to care too much and too soon about a character we barely know. And to compound the problem, the movie tries to make jokes in the middle of his suffering leaving us completely confused as to how we’re supposed to be feeling. It all leads to a scene of him trying to kill himself using a knife taped to a bike, only the knife keeps falling off so he cant go through with it. This moment in many ways encapsulates so much about why the whole movie didn’t work. The tone is just completely off. Now I get what Cameron was going for – this guy’s life is so pathetic he can’t even kill himself properly. But if you don’t make his pain real and palpable and instead make jokes about it, then how can you expect the audience to care at all about his redemption? You can’t. And that’s just one bad choice among many that contribute to make the first segment of the movie a complete failure. The decision to make Alec Baldwin’s character so cartoonish, the decision to make the amount of money lost a little over the top and unrealistic, and the decision to make the issue at hand be shoes (the oddest choice of all as it's somewhat hard to take shoes seriously as the source of a life crippling tragedy) are all the wrong choices and they all contribute to throw the whole tone of the first scenes off. And since the first scenes set up the whole rest of the movie, if they don’t work then the movie doesn’t work. If you don’t feel Drew’s pain when he empties out his apartment then the emotions you should feel on his first drive through Elizabethtown wont be there. And they weren’t. But you could almost feel what they should have been had then been there. And that feeling of knowing that you SHOULD be feeling something, is way more feeling than anything that came before it in the movie caused me to feel.
And none of that made any sense.
Elizabethtown has officially driven me insane.
*The structure: I’ve seen the movie described as a series of disjointed vignettes. And I agree. And I hate to say it, but that’s solely the screenplay’s fault. Which means that almost more than anything else the movie didn’t work because of its screenplay. And that’s something I thought I would NEVER have to say about a Cameron Crowe movie.
*Orlando Bloom: When Elizabethtown was first announced several years ago as Cameron Crowe’s next project he had originally cast Ashton Kutcher as the lead. And that’s when I first started to worry about Elizabethtown. But then Cameron decided to let Ashton go and recast the part. “Whew”, I thought, “dodged that bullet”. I mean anyone else in the whole world had to be an improvement over Ashton Kutcher right? Wrong. There was someone worse. MUCH worse. And that person was Orlando Bloom. If this movie doesn’t ruin his entire career and ensure that he will never be taken seriously as an actor ever again then some is something seriously wrong with the American movie-going public. Because in Elizabethtown Orlando Bloom gives what has to be the worst performance in my lifetime by a “serious” “name” actor. I mean I can’t think of anyone worse. And by saying “serious” I eliminate action stars like Steven Segal, Sly Stallone, and Jackie Chan as well as comedians turned actors and anyone else (athletes, singers, models, etc.) who didn’t start out as an actor but used their fame in another field to become one. And by “name” actor I eliminate every crappy actor you’ve never heard of. And by “actor” I eliminate Keanu Reeves. But with those stipulations in place I can’t think of a worse performance by an actor in a major role in a major movie, in EVER. Well at least in the past 25 years or so. I never really thought one way or the other about Orlando Bloom before Elizabethtown, but now I will never be able to take him seriously as an actor in any movie for the entire rest of his career. That’s how bad he was. The entire movie was ruined because you had a protagonist who you completely didn’t care about because he gave you no reason to. His eyes were completely vacant. His American accent was completely awkward and unbelievable. And he seemed completely overmatched acting-wise in every scene he was in, including all of his scenes he had with Kirsten Dunst, which should tell you all you need to know. Make the exact same movie and recast someone even halfway decent as the lead and you’ve got yourself a successful movie. Instead, with Orlando Bloom you have…well…not much. He says it himself in the movie – there’s a difference between a failure and a fiasco. Yes there is. Elizabethtown is only a failure. Orlando Bloom is a fiasco.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Office Special & the last episode of Series 2
2.) Grey’s Anatomy
3.) The Squid and the Whale
3 & 1/2.) “Speak Slow” – Tegan & Sara
Thought of the Week:
When I was little it used to upset me greatly that Kevin didn’t marry Winnie at the end of The Wonder Years. Now I’ve grown into someone who gets upset by the fact that Dawn comes back for Tim at the end of The Office. That’s what age will do you I guess.
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