Drinking is Fun

Two fredtheonlinejournal entries in one week?!? That can only mean one thing. It must be award season! Indeed it is. What summer or football season are to normal well adjusted people, awards season is to me. It kicks off with the Golden Globes and runs til the Oscars including the Oscar nominations, guild awards and even the Grammys thrown in in between. But since all of that is in the future, a future that includes two more months and literally thousands of words typed, lets instead focus on what happened this past Monday night- The Golden Globes. The awards show where the results don’t matter and everyone is drunk. And celebrities drinking and then giving speeches is always a recipe for fun. Speaking of fun, here were my thoughts had while watching the show:

*The Golden Globes- the one night a year NBC is actually still relevant.

(Hard to believe what has happened to the network of my youth. Sad really. If you had told me ten years ago that NBC would be in 4th place and the butt of punch lines I would have never believed you.)

*As I’m sure I explained last year, The Golden Globes are only important in the impact they have on that year's Oscar race. After the Oscars have been awarded, no one will care or even remember who won the Golden Globes. But until the Oscars are awarded, those who won the Golden Globes are declared Oscar front-runners or at least have their chances of winning an Oscar significantly improved. So while the Golden Globes are of utmost importance now, three months of now they will be almost completely irrelevant. It’s like winning your division in baseball; it’s important when it happens but after the World Series it really doesn’t matter who won their division. The other way The Golden Globes matter is the speeches. It gives the Oscar locks a chance to work on their speech giving, and gives those still vying for an Oscar a chance to either help or hurt their cause with their speech. For example, last year Jamie Foxx wrapped up his Oscar with his Golden Globes speech and Annette Being killed off whatever chance she had with hers. So that’s my Golden Globes spiel.

*On that note: good speech there George Clooney. Too bad there’s no way in hell your winning Best Supporting Actor at the Oscars. Actually its not too bad, because well, lets face it, you don’t deserve it. But more on that at a later date.

(And just for the record I’m not too worried about my Oscar favorites in the supporting categories, Paul Giamatti and Amy Adams, because the Globes are notoriously off in predicting the supporting actor/actress races. So I wont lose too much sleep over the fact Rachel Weisz and George Clooney just won. And by “too much” I mean “more than 5 hours”.)


*Top 3 & 1/2 Acceptance Speeches:
1.) Geena Davis
2.) George Clooney
3.) Steve Carrell
3 & 1/2.) Hugh Laurie

*I don’t know anything about hair or makeup or fashion but I do know something about looking like shit, and Rachel Weisz, you look like shit. And Drew Barrymore…well I think that pretty goes without saying…

*If you’re ever onstage presenting an award, don’t clap after your partner announces each nominee. Also don’t be Jessica Alba.

*A short play:
“Person 1: Which one of the nominees won best supporting actress?
Person 2: Sandra.
Person 1: Oh.”

*A short letter:
Dear cast of Sideways,
Who’s the one with a major acting award now bitches?
Love,
Sandra Oh

*Are we sure that Nicolette Sheridan isn’t a man? Is it true that she’s dating Michel Bolton? Does that fact, if its true, make it more or less likely that she is in fact a man?

*Is there anyone alive besides me that remembers that Geena Davis won an Oscar once? How is it possible to allow people to completely forget that fact? Her publicist must suck worse than Tom Cruise’s sister.

*I hope that in addition to his win this year, Hugh Laurie wins at least the next two years in a row as well so in three years I can start making the joke “House always wins”. Seems like a long time to wait just for a joke, but then again…well…ummm…okay when I cant even come up with a punch line for THIS joke, clearly I’m pretty desperate.

*At awards show where it is has been clearly established that everyone there is drunk is there a more exciting phrase in the English language to hear than “Coming up next – Mariah Carey and Harrison Ford”?

*I for one cant believe that “Mambo #9” has been rewritten for use in an Applebee’s commercial. First Cadillac uses Led Zeppelin, and now this? Is nothing sacred anymore? Lou Bega Jr. must be rolling over in his grave.

*Harrison Ford: proving that you CAN look uncool while wearing an earring.
(And while we’re on the subject why has more not been made about the fact that Harrison Ford has in the last ten years gone from the biggest movie star in the world to a doddering nearly catatonic old man who seems to be completely and utterly bat-shit insane?)

*Okay, who let Penelope Cruz present again? Seriously, with the money Tom Cruise gave her to date him, can’t she buy some English lessons? Or some not looking like Paz Vega lessons?

*The Hispanic guy who won for scoring Brokeback Mountain said “Focus” in such a way that it sounded like he said “fuck us”. I laughed.

*Mandy Moore! (Just thought it was worth saying.) (As a side note: Zach Braff must die.)

*If you were to tell me that Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die as research for playing Johnny Cash, I wouldn’t even be remotely surprised. In fact if you were to tell me Joaquin Phoenix killed a man in Reno just to watch him die just because he felt like it, I wouldn’t be surprised either. And just for the record I have never ever said anything bad about Joaquin Phoenix ever. So if he asks you if I did, well, I didn’t. Please don’t eat my children Mr. Phoenix.

*Okay Ryan Phillippe, this is not The Ryan Phillippe Show, please stop trying to talk to people while they are giving their acceptance speech and please stop literally hanging on your wife in order to ensure that you’ll be seen on TV. We all know you cant handle the fact that your wife is a famous award winning movie star while you have yet to learn how to properly speak the English language, but get over it already. And we all also know the only reason you came all the way from Toronto to be there is because you wanted to be on TV and because your marriage counselor suggested you be there. So will you sit down now please? Thank you.

*Why isn’t more made about the fact that post-divorce Dennis Quaid’s career has skyrocketed while Meg Ryan has dropped off the face of the earth? This seems like a big and relatively interesting story to me and yet this fact is never mentioned. Why is this?

*It’s getting late in the show now and still no sign of Meryl Streep. This really can’t be! There cant be a Golden Globes without drunken Meryl Streep! That would be like having the Vibe Awards without gang-related gun violence. All year I look forward to Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance. Its always one of the highlights of the year and just the memory of it will keep my heart warm throughout the cold winter months that follow.
And you think I’m joking….

(And it’s not just me either. I called to my Mom the next day and the first thing she said when she answered the phone was ”where was drunken Meryl Streep?” So apparently drunken Meryl Streep is like a “thing” in my family. This explains so much about me…)

*I like how they made Felicity Huffman move tables after the TV awards were done, so that when she won for Transamerica she wasn’t stuck back with the lowly Desperate Housewifes women but instead was up with the movie stars. Then again she’s probably about two seconds away from getting Terri Hatcher to buy her a gun from Radio Shack and using it to shoot the whole lot of them. Or at least I hope she is. (As a side note: Is it humanly possible to dislike Felicity Huffman? I don’t think it is. I mean she’s just so likeable. And to top it off she’s married to William H. Macy.)

*And in closing, I think if I’m writing about this years Golden Globes I’m required by law to mention Scarlett Johnason’s dress. So there I mentioned it. Now can we all move on already? Jeeze, you people act like its 2003 or something…


Top 3 & 1/2 Sayings of the Week That I Don’t Think Will Catch On But That I Wish Would:
1.) “That’s shadier than taking guitar lessons from Dan Smith.”
2.) “That’s shorter than your moms penis.”
3.) “That’s less subtle than A History of Violence.”
3 & 1/2.) “That’s gayer than Bill O’Reilly.”

Thought of the Week:
I wish Id written this first:
http://www.fametracker.com/fame_audit/infangelina.shtml