As always, I know no one cares about or even watches the Grammys, but still, I love writing about it every year, so indulge me my thoughts here on each performance. Or dont. Whatever. This blog is free.
AC/DC
Even people at an AD/DC concert don’t want to hear a new AC/DC song but, hey, great way to kick off the Grammys!
Oh wait, now there are plastic light up devil horns for the crowd to wear? This NIGHT might be on a highway to hell…
(Also, has there ever been a less necessary cutaway than the cutaway to Dave Grohl banging his head to AC/DC? Dave Grohl is a Tenacious D character at this point.)
Ariana Grande
“Coming up next: A performance by Ariana Grande as you've never seen her before.”
So, a regular Ariana Grande performance then?
If the old adage is true that every generation gets the Mariah Carey they deserve, then this generation is fucked.
Tom Jones/Jessie J
Oh awesome, its 1963 Best Picture winner and charming British sex farce Tom Jones! Wait…never mind…it’s just some old dude. And Jessie J. Carry on then.
Also, STOP TRYING TO MAKE JESSIE J HAPPEN.
Miranda Lambert
I was raised on mainstream commercial country music, but usually country music performances at the Grammys mean its time for a bathroom break. That was pretty great though. That being said, was that even country music? I mean, what IS country music anymore? What is anything really? What is life? Why am I here? Is human existence even real? Is Miranda Lambert married to that judge from The Voice? So many questions raised by this performance.
Kanye
KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE
KANYE WEST IS PERFORMING ON LIVE TV. I NEED AN ALERT ON MY ON MY PHONE FOR WHEN KANYE DOES ANYTHING ON TV EVER. AWARDS SHOW KANYE IS THE BEST KANYE. THIS IS THE BEST KANYE. IT IS HAPPENING NOW. KANYE IS KANYE-ING.
THIS SONG IS GROWING ON ME. MAXIMALIST KAYNE IS MY FAVORITE KANYE BUT MINIMALIST KANYE IS GOING TO BE FASCINATING TOO.
WAIT NO KANYE IS ENDING. DONT END KAYNE.
LEGIT CHILLS WHEN KANYE LEFT AND THERE WAS JUST THAT BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING UP TO HEAVEN. BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING UP TO HEAVEN 2016!
Kayne is gone.
Madonna
Madonna doesn't get near enough credit for still being around and still being semi-relevant. Do you realize Madonna's debut album came out just three years after U2’s debut album. And yet people are still trying to pirate her music rather than bitching when they get it for free. And here she is performing a brand new song at the Grammys and it's enjoyable and people are into it (suck it AC/DC).
Anyway, good job Madonna. Hope you keep on keepin’ on.
Ed Sheeran
If the old adage is true that every generation gets the John Mayer they deserve, then this generation is doing great!
ELO
ELO is performing on The Grammys! I don't know why they're here, no explanation was given, but who cares, it's ELO!
OMG Paul McCartney was just clapping along with "Mr. Blue Sky". That's peak ELO! Jeff Lynne probably just came a little.
If you have one negative thing to say about this performance or ELO in general, stop reading this blog right now and never come back because you are a garbage person.
This is music's biggest night!!!!
Gwen Stefani/Adam Levine
To go from ELO to Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani is like going from winning the lottery to having a bird shit on your head.
Based on the evidence so far at The Grammys what kids are into these days is “songs that are boring”.
Wait, are Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani even people that the kids are into? Who is this supposed to be appealing to? I don't know anything anymore.
Hozier/Annie Lennox
Is the reason Hozier is so desperate to get to church is because he needs to pray for forgiveness for that performance?
I’m sorry. That was mean. I apologize for that Gotye. Or Hozier. Whoever you are. Anyway, congrats on the long illustrious career ahead of you.
Hey, speaking of long illustrious careers…Annie Lennox ladies and gentlemen!
Pharrell
Hans Zimmer playing electric guitar! A classical pianist! Choir singers in the aisles playing tambourines! Pharrell wearing a DIFFERENT funny hat! THIS is why the Grammys exist and what makes them great. Performers really trying something, risking looking ridiculous, and being awesome both despite and because of it.
Sadly, not nearly enough performances like that this year.
Obama
No! Obama, what are you doing?!?!? Don't come out against violence against women and girls. Now Republicans are going to SUPPORT violence against women and girls simply out of spite. Thanks for nothing Obummer.
(BTW Grammys, nice sentiment, but you do know you nominated Chris Brown for an award tonight right?)
Katy Perry
That was very good and powerful and the exact opposite of her equally awesome Super Bowl show and also unlike anything that Beyonce would ever use her performance time for. And don't even try and argue that she would, because you're wrong and you know it. I’m ride or die #TeamPerry.
(After that performance is maybe not the place to bring this up, but how amazing would it have been if Katy Perry had brought Left Shark as her date to The Grammys? Is there anything in awards show history that would have broken the internet more than that? Just a HUGE missed opportunity)
Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett
This is Neil Portnow’s wet dream. I’m sure he’s backstage pleasuring himself right now in fact. This performance should really just be the main picture at the top of the Grammys wikipedia page.
In all seriousness though, props to Lady Gaga for recognizing that her lane was being taken over from all sides and realizing that "normal" was the absolute weirdest place left to go. This is her version of normcore, and it’s pretty brilliant.
Stevie Wonder/Usher
Instead of honoring Stevie Wonder by having Usher sing why didn't they just have a bird shit on his head?
Eric Church
Ok, so, good year for country performances at the Grammys and Eric Church seems great, but what the hell was he trying to convey with those projections? Was he supporting the protesters who were fighting to change their hometowns? The whole point of the song seems to be anti-changing-your-hometown, but maybe the song is like his "Born in The USA" and I just need to listen to the lyrics more closely? I mean he couldn't be protesting against the protesters could he? It sure seems like maybe he is though? I dunno. It was a more muddled message than American Sniper, but still, I kinda dug it regardless.
Kanye/Paul/Rihanna
KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE
KANYE IS BACK (with Paul McCartney and some lady)
THIS IS GOING TO WIN ALL OF THE GRAMMYS NEXT YEAR. YOU CANT HAVE ANY GRAMMYS ADELE KANYE AND PAUL HAVE THEM ALL. IM KINDA WORRIED KANYE MIGHT BE ENTERING HIS “I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU” PERIOD BUT IM STILL GENERALLY OPTIMISTIC. DONT EVER DOUBT KANYE. KANYE CAN GET Paul McCartney TO STAND OFF THE SIDE OF THE STAGE WITH HIS MIC TURNED OFF WHILE KANYE PERFORMS. THAT IS THE POWER OF KANYE. KANYE DONT EVER STOP. EVER.
Sam Smith/Mary J. Blige
That was as good as I hoped it would be, but I really wish they'd let him perform on his own. If he’s big enough to be up for, and likely win, most of the major awards of the night then he should be big enough not to need a co-performer. Adele got to perform completely by herself her big Grammy year. And if the old adage is true that every generation gets the Adele that they deserve, then this generation is going to be pretty much exactly the same as the last one.
Sia
Its a shame Sia will never be at the Grammys again because I really want to see what her next gimmick would be. I know people are getting a little tired of her shtick, but I don't actually think its shtick and I really cant get enough of it. In a pop era in which everyone is trying to out-weird each other Sia is doing legit performance art that comes from a genuine place. I support it and I love that something like that was just on CBS.
Beck/Chris Martin
This performance is happening as I write this sentence and yet somehow I already don’t remember it. I love Beck, but him winning Album of the Year for an album featuring this song is like if Martin Scorsese had finally won his Oscar for “Hugo”
Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW NEIL PORTNOW NEIL PORTNOW HOLY SHIT ITS NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!!!
SERIOUS QUESTION WHEN NEIL PORTNOW DIES DO THE GRAMMYS END FOREVER BECAUSE THE EARTH WILL IMPLODE AND ALL HUMAN LIFE WILL CEASE OR IS NEIL PORTNOW IMMORTAL? IM PRAYING THAT IMMORTALITY IS THE ANSWER. SERIOUS QUESTION TWO WHEN NEIL PORTNOW COMES ON STAGE DOES EVEN PRINCE STAND AND LOSE HIS SHIT? HE MUST RIGHT? TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF SUCH A POWERFUL SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT MAN IT MUST BE LIKE STARING INTO THE SUN. NEIL PORTNOW IS A GOLDEN GOD. NEVER CHANGE NEIL PORTNOW. NEVER.
Beyonce
Yeah, yeah, we get it Beyonce, you're a serious artist who can really sing. Good for you. But unless you're Adele or Sam Smith we don’t tune into the Grammys to watch people standing stationary singing songs we don’t know. This is not entertaining.
My Beyonce antipathy runs deep.
John/Legend Common
That was fine and the song is good and important but THATS YOUR GRAND FINALE?!? WTF Grammys? What the hell were you thinking? That was neither grand nor finale-like. Rather than going out with a bang The Grammys thought it would be better to leave people thinking “wait, was that the end?” This would have never happened if Neil Portnow was still alive.
Miscellaneous thoughts:
- I would pay good money for a five minute recording that was just different British people saying “Capitol Records”
- Anyone who thought for a second that Beyonce was winning Album of the Year knows nothing about the Grammys. I thought Sam Smith was winning, but Beck winning for Morning Phase was also super Grammy of them. Those were the only two possible options.
- “Stay With Me” was a lock for Song and Record of the Year. It couldn't have been more of a lock if Neil Portnow recorded it himself. And that's fine. It's a good song, it will never be embarrassing that it won, and it will hold up well. The Grammys have done WAY worse.
- Serious question: Is Prince the most popular living celebrity? Like if every celebrity in the world was in a room would Prince command the most attention and respect? Ever since Michael Jackson died it’s been unclear who our biggest celebrity is, but maybe now its Prince?
- RIP Pharrell’s hat. The Grammys giveth and the Grammys taketh away. This is like how Shakespeare died on his birthday.
- Why did they give out the biggest award of the night with 45 minutes left in the show? Its like if the Oscars gave out Best Picture then did a dance number and gave out Best Director and Best Original Screenplay. It makes no sense. Its like the ultimate admission by The Grammys that their awards are a ridiculous farce. Speaking of which…
- I love how the music started playing 30 seconds into the winners’ speeches. The message seemed to be “Get off the stage, people we’re ostensibly here to honor! Don’t you realize this whole thing is a total sham!”
- Come back soon Adele. A nation turns its bored eyes to you.
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