Okay what the hell?
You really gone and done it this time.
Everything in our relationship was going so smoothly. I was composing my annual article about your hilarious irrelevance and you were complying as usual what with completely predictable awards for Train and Herbie Hancock and Lady Antebellum. You even got up to our old irascible tricks by giving Best New Artist to Esperanza Spalding. Esperanza Spalding! Because that’s the kind of thing you do. I know that about you. It’s who you are. It’s who you’ll always be. Or so it seemed.
Now I think maybe our whole relationship has been a lie. I don’t even know who you are any more. I feel like I just found out that my wife of 20 years is gay. Because you just gave Album of the Year to Arcade Fire. Yes, that Arcade Fire.
You realize don’t you that they’re actually really hip and good and relevant, right? And that unlike, say, Outkast or Lauryn Hill that they didn’t sell a lot of records or produce an album with big hit singles? And you are aware aren’t you that not only did they have by far the best album nominated, but that it might actually be the actual best album of the year? So then what the hell are doing giving them Album of the Year? How does that make any sense?
Black is white. Up is down. Lion is lamb.
Then as the icing on the cake you didn’t even have them win their genre category? They lost Best Alternative Album to The Black Keys? Which means you didn’t think Arcade Fire had the best alternative album of the year but you DID think they had the best album of the year in all of music?
WHO ARE YOU GRAMMYS?!?!?!?
Why do you treat me this way?
Enough!
In the words of Cee-Lo...forget you.
If only I knew how...
----------------------------------------------------------------
Other Thoughts:
*Okay so first things first: Hatching out of an egg is great. But then…nothing? Standing around in relatively normal attire while your backup dancers perform a choreographed dance? It was so, well, (shudder) ordinary.
Look, the Gaga backlash/"Born This Way" hate are completely predictable and I certainly don’t want to be cliché and pile on, but come on Gaga. When you’re not able to back up the stunts with the music and the performances that’s where you’re going to run into trouble. So I’m interested and nervous and excited to see how these next few months play out for you. I have high hopes and more than a few doubts. But mostly I just hope that you never let Cee-Lo Green show you up again.
(While we’re on the subject of Gaga though… before we start debating whether or not “Born This Way” is stolen from Madonna, can we finally determine once and for all whether or not Ace of Base is getting residuals for “Alejandro”?)
*If scientists got together in a lab with the sole task of coming up with the most Grammy-friendly track possible, I’m pretty sure they couldn’t do any better (worse?) than “Hey Soul Sister”. So congrats Train. Also, congrats to Pat Moynihan for being officially the whitest person to ever unironically use the term "gangsta". It’s your move Josh Groban.
*Can Janelle Monae just perform everything forever? And can her Grammy performance please, PLEASE, finally make her a huge star? Come on world, do the right thing for once.
*Justin Bieber playing a song on acoustic guitar?? What’s next, Katy Perry singing a dramatic, overwrought ballad? Oh wait….
*Okay, say what you will about Justin Bieber, but I really do think if he was just a little smarter that there’s legitimate Timberlake potential there. Unfortunately I don’t get the sense that he has the necessary mental acumen to make that transformation. But hey it’s not his fault – he’s Canadian. Everyone knows they naturally have smaller brains.
(The good thing about picking on Canadians is that the death threats are always so polite)
*What the hell – Jaden Smith is rapping/singing now? Does Child Protective Services know about this?
Speaking of which…
*Although they seem totally grounded and well adjusted, if I was a purveyor of hard drugs and/or alcohol I might nevertheless very soon look into hanging out in the vicinity of Willow and Jaden Smith. You know, just in case.
(On a related note: is Trey Smith now our generation’s Julian Lennon?)
*I spent at least 10 minutes trying to decide who Miranda Lambert looks like. I settled on a combination of Kristen Chenoweth and Kyra Sedgwick, but I bet you can do better.
*Hey Bob Dylan, mid-90’s Marlon Brando called and he wants his shtick back. Also, how many fingers am I holding up?
*I think it’s a good rule that whenever Jamie Foxx is introduced as “Academy Award winner” the introduction has to be underscored by “Blame It On The Alcohol”
*I heard a rumor, that I can neither confirm nor deny, that Elton John and Andre 3000 had a kid and that that kid watched Cee-Lo’s performance and thought it was a little too flamboyant.
*Holy shit…I’m not completely sure, but I think I might have just been sexually aroused by Gwyneth Paltrow. Hide your kids, hide your wives, the apocalypse is nigh.
*Now that we know that Academy Award winning actress and serious adult Nicole Kidman loves “Teenage Dream” is it okay to admit that I do too? Let’s face it, that Katy Perry really knows how to write a breast. I mean song…I meant to say song.
*If there was somewhere I could have wagered on the cutaway immediately following Katy Perry’s performance being of Russell Brand then I would have lost a lot of money.
*As I’ve always said, who better to pay tribute to Teddy Pendergrass than Lady Antebellum?
*It’s nice that the Grammys take the time to honor country music as it gives me a chance to go to the bathroom.
*Damn it! Someone announcing the winner of Song of the Year and/or Record of the Year as “The Song Otherwise Known as Forget You” was going to be one of the highlights of the year. Thanks for nothing Lady Antebellum.
*Double damn it! I swore that if I ever had to hear “Need You Now” again I would shoot myself in the face. And I like my life and all, but I can’t go back on my word. First you ruin my year, Lady Antebellum, and now you make me end my life. I hope it was worth it. On the bright side though, I’m really looking forward to an afterlife void of adult contemporary songs about drunk, horny housewives making booty calls.
*If I had to explain to an alien what the Grammys are I would simply show them the clip of John Mayer and Norah Jones presenting Song of the Year to Lady Antebellum. I’m pretty sure Neil Portnow was touching himself during that.
*I’m going to say something revolutionary here: Mick Jagger is good at performing music.
*So wait, what are the words to Solomon Burke’s “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” again?
(See, that’s the great thing about the Grammys – they give me a chance to break out some of my good Solomon Burke jokes.)
*Esperanza Spalding: A big enough star to be chosen to accompany school kids while they provide the background music for a dry lecture about the state of the music industry.
(Also: Esperanza Spalding meet Paula Cole, Paula Cole meet Esperanza Spalding)
*Fun facts: Did you know that Phillip Michael Thomas is credited with coining the term EGOT? And that shockingly Barbara Streisand does not have one?
*Lady Gaga look long and hard at Nicki Minaj and see what you have wrought. I hope you’re happy with yourself.
*I couldn’t come up with a single thing to say about the Drake/Rihanna performance and I think says it perfectly.
*An interesting “what if”: What if Rihanna had been scheduled to perform at the Grammys two years ago?
*One more thought on Arcade Fire before we get on to some silliness. I'm obviously very on record as thinking that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was the best album of 2010. But as it came out after the end of the Grammy eligibility period, it's very arguable The Suburbs was in fact the album of the year. While that’s an open debate for another time, what’s not debatable is this: The experience of feeling like a song or an album was written just for you or perfectly captures your exact life expiernce is a common one. Creating music that feels that way is the real genius of a great musician and songwriter. But as The Suburbs is literally about Win Bulter's experience growing up in the suburbs of Houston, Texas in the late 80's/early 90's I think its safe to say that more than any other piece of popular music that will ever be recorded in the history of time, The Suburbs fits that description for me.
There has been a lot of talk today about what Arcade Fire's win means for the music industry, for the Grammys, and for the establishment. I don’t think it means a whole hell of a lot other than that there didn’t happen to be any other truly viable Album of the Year candidates nominated last night. But I know that for one shining moment, we got to see a true surprise, real shock and joy, and some great music get its rightful due. And I learned that the tangential circumstances of my youth are now officially the inspiration for award winning art.
*Lastly, although the Grammys are notoriously comprehensive in their award giving there are some music categories that went unawarded last night. Categories that I care about and think about far more often than Best Rap/Sung Collaboration by a Duo or Group with Vocals. So without further ado let me make up for those oversights by awarding the first annual Freds:
Verse of the year: Eminem - "No Love"
Sure Eminem has made some pretty big missteps that have lost him a lot of his artistic credibility. And by sheer virtue of his longevity he has lost much of his cache. But when people were calling Lil Wayne the best rapper alive he still should have know better than to appear on a track with Eminem. Ask Jay-Z how that worked out for him. Recovery as a whole, while not as strong as his early work, was nevertheless a nice return to form. But I doubt in a few years much of it will be resonant or even remembered. This verse though will always remain stunningly alive and proof that when Eminem is on his game there’s still absolutely no one who can touch him. More verses like this please.
Runner Up: Nicki Minaj - "Monster"
This award could be given out to a handful of different people on MBDTF alone, but with all due respect to Pusha T and company, Nicki Minaj is in class by herself. This is Eminem's "Renegade" verse for a new generation. Only instead of doing it with her words, the genius of the verse is all in the presentation. Sure, based on available evidence nothing she will ever do in the future is likely to approach the quality of this. But that doesn’t make it any less great.
Special Citation: Ludacris - "Baby"
I realize we can’t give awards to Justin Bieber songs. But just like Andre 3000's recently leaked guest verse on Ke$ha's "Sleazy", this is way better than it has any reason to be. It's like the rich man's version of Ma$e’s verse in "Take You There". And really, comparing something to the time that Ma$e rapped about The Rugrats is one of the highest compliments I can possibly give out. So in a sentence I was almost positive I would never say: well done Ludacris.
Worst verse of the year: Snoop Dogg - "California Gurls"
I don’t know what the worst thing about this verse is. The fact that it’s so lazy that I'm not entirely sure Snoop was even awake when he wrote it. The fact that its random assortment of unrelated rhyming words could double as a parody for what old people think rap is. Or that I’m pretty sure he stole part of it from the Slap Chop commercial. Regardless, this verse makes the rest of the song seem like the work of Bob Dylan. And bear in mind that the rest of the song spells Girls with a U.
Runner Up: Jay-Z - "Empire State of Mind"
I know this isn’t technically from last year but it won two Grammys last night so I'm including it here. It’s also worth including here because I think it needs to be stressed far more often that the Emperor here isn’t wearing any clothes. I mean how hard it is to come up with three verses worth of things related to New York City? This song should have been a gimme putt for Jay-Z and yet he took out his driver and shanked it 200 yards to the right. Okay maybe free-associative is a bold artistic choice on his part for a rapping style or something, but I fail to see how Dwayne Wade, Bob Marley, and BK being from Texas have anything to do with anything. And the randomness of it all would be fine if it was any good, but how is listing different types of cabs and rhyming "though" with "though" not complete lazy bullshit.
And then there's this:
"Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,
shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can"
THAT DOESNT EVEN RHYME.
Can we all stop not calling this song on its lyrical shitiness already?
Best lyric of the year: Lil Wayne's "Real Gs move in silence like lasagna"
I'm not a big Lil Wayne fan but even I have to give it up for this one. Anytime you listen to a song just to hear one line that’s when you know the lyric is a winner.
(Even if technically "real Gs move in silence like in lasagna" would be a much better line)
Runner up: Kanye's "Too many Urkles on you team, that’s why your wins low"
Worst lyric of the year: The entirety of The Black Eyed Pea's "I Gotta Feeling"
If I told you "I Gotta Feeling" was a fake radio station promo song and not a Black Eyed Peas song you would believe me wouldn’t you? Although there's a certain genius in making a song about people about to have a good night, there’s a distinct lack of genius in listing the days of week as part of your lyrics. What’s the opposite of Mazel Tov?
Runner Up: Young Money's "call me Mr. Flintstone/I can make your bed rock"
(With a strong nod to the same song's "I'm attracted to her for her attractive ass")
Best Worst lyric of the year: Ke$ha
At this point I really hope I don’t need to tell you which one. Nor do I need to say any more about it.
Best Worst Lyric of the year indie rock division: Yeasayer's "Max Schmelling was a formidable foe”
Does it have anything remotely to do with anything? No it doesn’t. It just comes out of absolutely nowhere and sits there like a beautiful beautiful diamond. No other applicants even needed to submit this year. This race was over before it even began.
Person of the year: shorties
There were a great many people who made a great many contributions to music this year, but no one played a bigger role in the music world this year than shorties. Whether they were shawtys, shortys or just plain old shorties, they did it all this year. They were like melodies. They let people whisper in their ears. They were fire burning on the dance floor. They kept T-Pain in the ringtone. And most importantly they were eenie meenie miney moe lovas.
I can’t wait to see what they have in store for 2011.
No comments:
Post a Comment