Dear Oscar Producer and Director Don Mischer,
You’re an idiot.
How did you think that any of that was going to be good?
And don't say that it was the hosts' fault. People today are saying that they were a disappointment. But they can’t be considered a disappointment if you didn’t expect anything from them in the first place. Unless of course you did. Which you must have. Which mean that you’re an idiot.
And your "journey" that you prepared us for? What was it? The image of old movies that you played in the background? Were we supposed to be impressed by a large screen that showed moving images? Isn’t that kind of the whole essence of why we were even there in the first place?
And other than that what was your plan for the night? Show clips from old movies and play music to underscore everything? Had you thought it out past that? No you hadn't. And so what you were left with was an abomination. An abomination that made last year’s boringness seem like a virtue. Because at least boring isn’t painfully, uncomfortably bad. Which is what this was. Believe when I tell you that this year’s show will go down in the annals of terrible Oscar lore. Rob Lowe and Snow White are offically off the hook. And all because you, Don Mischer, are a stupid fucking idiot.
Just to show you how easy your job is, I'll do it myself. I'll take every memorable or noteworthy element of your show and show you in one sentence how you could have EASILY made each one infinitely better with even a minimal amount of work or brainpower. And yes I realize some of these things were out of your control, but I don’t care. I’m blaming you for everything that happened. Because I feel like it.
And hopefully, in the future, perhaps people will stop and ask themselves "will this be good?" before they ask themselves "will people watch this?".
But as it’s Hollywood I’m dealing with, I’m not holding my breath.
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Thing That Happened: No one wrote any jokes for the hosts.
I liked all of the jokes in that opening film spoof segment. All none of them. And then the hits kept coming. I mean James Franco standing there in drag telling a Charlie Sheen joke? Totally original and hilarious! What genius writes these things? And how DO they do it?
How It Could Have Been Improved: Let random people on the Internet contribute jokes.
The show was seemingly obsessed with new technology and the Internet, perhaps as a make good for its snub of “the facebook movie”. There were "jokes" about texting and apps and social networking. And James Franco was tweeting throughout the show. So clearly the show knows that the Internet exists. And therefore they must be aware that at this point people get way more entertainment from twitter and live blogs than they do from listening to the handiwork of Bruce Vilanch's corpse. So why not just have people tweet jokes at you and then use the best ones? I'll even show you how it’s done by sprinkling some jokes and comments from the Internet throughout the rest of this piece. And it will be better for it. Just you wait and see.
Thing That Happened: James Franco and Anne Hathaway hosted.
He may not have had great material, but wow, James Franco KILLED it out there. No, literally. He killed it. I think a few old ladies died from boredom. Also, I shot myself in the face.
Are we totally sure that he got the memo that he was supposed to at least try to be funny? Does he know that thats pretty much what his entire job description was? Does he even know what humor is? Like as a concept?
(BTW James, you can’t be six degrees of Kevin Bacon away from someone if that person is not Kevin Bacon. That’s not how the game works.)
I’m going to go out on a limb and make a crazy prediction here: James Franco will not be asked back to host the Oscars again. EVER. Ricky Gervais and Howard Stern will be asked to co-host before they ask James Franco back.
But he wasn’t alone in his badness.
Before I say anything else let me state for the record that I love Anne Hathaway. And when I say that I love Anne Hathaway I mean that I LOOOOVE Anne Hathaway. She’s probably my number one gal. But last night was not her finest hour. I mean, that musical number she did was…wow...it was…a thing that happened. And while I appreciate her trying to single-handedly save the show, she's not really a person who is equipped to do that. So while all the extreme vitriol other women in particular were throwing her way on the Internet last night really set off my women’s studies sensors and made me more than a little uneasy with its intensity, suffice it to say I too agree that future hosting gigs are not in her future.
How It Could Have Been Improved: Having Billy Crystal (or pretty much anyone else in the entire world) host.
This just in - young movie stars are attractive. They are not however, good awards show hosts. (Hugh Jackman excepted).
Billy Crystal however, is. His getting a standing ovation was a clear sign that we collectively as a people recognize that and really want him back. And he will be back. Next year in fact.
I promise.
And just remember when it's officially announced that you heard it here first.
Speaking of attractive people though...
Thing That Happened: Mila Kunis showed everyone up.
What were the odds during Season 1 of That 70s Show that Mila Kunis one day would be the most attractive person at the entire Academy Awards (narrowly edging out Kirk Douglas of course)?
I just hope she doesn’t go all Johansson on us. By which I mean that other than Lindsey Lohan, has anyone’s perceived level of attractiveness taken a bigger and more inexplicable hit in the past five years than Scarlett Johansson? At one point she was arguably the most attractive person in the world, and yet now I would actually think less of you as a person if you openly admitted to being attracted to her.
(Also, not to be rude, but that Natalie Portman sure has gained a lot of weight...)
How It Could Have Been Improved: Have Jennifer Connelly show up.
Thing That Happened: Kirk Douglas stole the show.
I think that might be a bad sign when your hosts get totally showed up in the comedy department by a 94 year old stroke victim. Thank goodness Kirk Douglas didn’t have a set scheduled last night at The Laugh Factory because I don’t know what the show would have done without him. I only hope that at 94 that I'm still awesome enough to be a trending topic on twitter. Speaking of which, my favorite twitter joke of the night was Alex Baze's "Kirk. See him again next year in montage form."
How It Could Have Been Improved: If Kirk Douglas had presented Best Foreign Language Film as well.
(Hey now at least I'll be able to keep Alex Baze company in hell)
Thing That Happened: Living Legend Roger Deakins inexplicably gotsnubbed for an Oscar for the ninth time.
This a fucking outrage.
Who does Roger Deakins gotta shoot to get an Oscar?
No really.
Who?
How It Could Have Been Improved: Three 6 Mafia finding him in the audience and laughing in his face.
(The essence of that joke courtesy of AV Club commenter Side Item)
Thing That Happened: Jack Nicholson wasn’t there.
How It Could Have Been Improved: He should never not be there until the day he dies. And maybe even after that. It should be a law.
Thing That Happened: Trent Reznor, Academy Award Winner
This is the most exciting thing that happened all night. I literally clapped and jumped up and down. And I could care less about Trent Reznor personally and would be hard pressed to name more than three NIN songs. It’s just really awesome in principle. Plus he’s now already halfway to EGOTing. And I have a feeling "The Downward Spiral: The Musical" is going to be a big hit at the 2014 Tonys.
How It Could Have Been Improved: Also giving Maynard James Keenan an Oscar.
Thing That Happened: Melissa Leo gave a terrible speech.
You knew you were probably going to win right, Melissa Leo? You’ve had at least three months to prepare, but really you’ve had your whole life. And that’s the best you could come up with? I never understand when people go up there and seem completely unprepared like that. It’s probably the biggest moment of your entire life - that’s not worth at least some modicum of advance preparation or thought? That’s just inexplicable to me. But then that’s why I’m not a crazy person.
How It Could Have Been Improved: Giving Christian Bale's speech instead.
I don't know how the speech she gave could have really been improved other when she said “Dick’s not in the room” having someone yell out “That’s what she said”. But what she could have done was just become a totally different person and give a totally different speech. Specifically Christian Bale. Because his was funny and human and touching and everything hers wasn’t. And that’s because, as everyone has always said about Christian Bale, he's such a nice charming young man.
Thing That Happened: Colin Firth was very, very British.
Colin Firth starting his Oscar acceptance speech by saying “I fear my career might have just peaked” is possible the most British thing that has ever happened. And yet somehow he only got more British from there.
How It Could Have Been Improved: If he had dropped a few F-bombs.
A verbose, articulate, witty, and self-deprecating speech? Hey Colin Firth, what do think this is, the BAFTA Awards? This is America, damn it. Start crying and make your speech rambling and incoherent already. Enough of your dignified charms. You're making the rest of us look bad.
Thing That Happened: Aaron Sorkin giving a boring speech.
WTF Sorkin?!? Just a list of people? No social statement? No quotable lines? No witty quips? Good lord man, Colin Firth showed you up with his verbosity. Hell, David Seidler showed you up. And he’s like a hundred and five. And he gave a shout out to stutters. Stutterers! What were people with high blood pressure and those with slight limps too controversial for him? And yes, I know his movie was about a guy with a stutter, but still…
How It Could Have Been Improved: Sorkin starting his speech by saying "An Oscar isn't cool. You know what’s cool? A BILLION Oscars." And then segueing into an unused Josiah Bartlett monologue.
Thing That Happened: No applause during the death montage?!?!?
Hey they got something right! And it only took them 82 years!
How It Could Have Been Improved: Have Adele sing under it.
Celine Dion is the Bob Hope of death montage underscoring. Adele will soon be its Billy Crystal.
Thing That Happened: The Academy coming off as overly sensitive about their perceived lack of racial diversity.
Lena Horne is certainly great and important. And it’s certainly a good thing to honor her. She deserves it. But it felt a bit like simply an obvious political ploy to address the lack-of-black-nominees pseudo-controversy.
Way It Could Have Been Improved: The Academy not feeling so guilty about its supposed lack of diversity.
It was an off-year for African American filmmakers and performers. I don’t want to say “it’s as simple as that” because whether it’s just an off-year or likely a broader problem with Hollywood as a whole and the way movies get made is a different and much more involved discussion. But as far as the Academy Awards are concerned, name one African American actor, actress, writer, director or producer who deserved to get nominated this year and then tell me whose nomination slot they should have had. The best I can come up with is Halle Berry for Frankie and Alice but that performance isn’t better than any of the five that were nominated (or even the unnominated Julianne Moore and Lesley Manville for that matter). And while the Academy at one point had a definitely deserved bad reputation for their shameful and embarrassing lack of diversity, those days are over, at least in the acting branch. Over the past ten years out of a potential 200 acting nominations, African American actors have gotten 22 of them, or 11%. And out of 40 acting awards, African American actors have won 7 of them, or 17.5%. Considering that during that time frame African Americans made up between 10-13% of the total population of the United States those percentages are certainly nothing The Academy should feel overly guilty about or apologetic for.
So sure, this year there were no African American nominees. On the surface that of course doesn’t look great. But there are deeper issues causing that. I mean, why are we still not seeing more diverse casts in indie, awards-season type dramas? Why has the entire African-American marketplace been apparently ceded to Tyler Perry and Ice Cube? Where is the next Spike Lee or John Singleton, and why have neither of them produced consistently good work in AT LEAST 10 years? Why are African American actors still largely not bankable oversees? When is the next novel by Sapphire getting turned into a movie? (Sorry, couldn’t help it.) These are all questions that should be legitimately discussed and examined. But viewing The Academy as latently racist or as having a poor track record of honoring worthy black performers? That ship has thankfully sailed.
Thing That Happened: Gweneth Paltrow sang a song.
So what, are we not allowed to have an award show without Gweneth Paltrow signing now? Who does she think she is, Neil Patrick Harris?
How It Could Have Been Improved: If she was backed up by Peacock Cee-Lo and the Muppets
Thing That Happened: Having Auto-Tune the News and PS 22 involved with the show.
How It Could Have Been Improved: Getting Sad Keanu involved as well.
(BTW, did anyone ask the PS 22 kids who they were wearing? I must know!)
Thing That Happened: Toy Story 3 won Best Animated Feature (of course).
To quote Todd VanDerWerff, "They're eventually going to just rename this award the Randy Newman Memorial Award for Pixar's Best Animated Feature Film."
How It Could Have Been Improved: Toy Story 3 NOT Winning Best Animated Feature.
The emperor is wearing moderately nice but not that impressive clothes people! Accept it. Deal with it. Move on. And start bracing for the inevitable reality that Cars 2 aint winning this thing next year.
(My Pixar Fan Club membership has now officially been revoked for heresy.)
Thing That Happened: Hillary Swank presented Best Director.
How It Could Have Been Improved: Hillary Swank presenting Best Actress.
Thing That Happened: Tom Hooper won Best Director.
Really Academy?!? Tom Hooper? Really? A plurality of Academy members thought that Tom Hooper was the best director of the year? To quote this Raphael Bob-Waksberg tweet “WTF IS A TOM HOOPER? I NEVER HEARD OF NO TOM HOOPER WTF”
Also, name one thing he brought to The Kings Speech that Luke Matheny couldn’t have brought to it. The Kings Speech is the very definition of competent yet personality-less. And you bypassed David Fincher for it? To quote Bill Simmons, “Hooper over Fincher was a travesty. I forgot how much I hate the Oscars. What a farce. And I liked King's Speech. But come on...”
No wonder Christopher Nolan didn’t get nominated. You apparently have no idea what a director is or what they do or how to evaluate them.
On the bright side though, now Red Dust can join Point Break and In Love and War as movies made by Academy Award Winning Directors. So there’s that.
How It Could Have Been Improved: Immediately after he got off stage introducing Tom Hooper to John G. Avildsen and Robert Benton
And lastly,
Thing That Happened: The Kings Speech won Best Picture.
How It Could Have Been Improved: The Academy properly understanding the meaning of the word "best".
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