Euro Trip

29 Days.
9 Countries.
13 Cities.
6 People.
1 Journal Entry.
That’s right- this is all you get. No postcards. No trinkets or knick-knacks or paddy-whacks. Not even any shot glasses. This is all I got for you- a rather short list of musings. It’s like one of those shirts: “My favorite online journal author went to Europe and I'll got were these lousy musings”. But it’s probably for the best that I kept it rather short. Even more so than with most entries you’ll probably have no idea what I’m talking about so none of the jokes will even make sense. In fact it’s a lot like watching your neighbors’ vacation slide show, only without the visual stimulation. Enjoy!

-One thing I found is that no matter where you go in this world there really are three things that are unavoidable: death, taxes and Japanese tourists.

-English is the new Latin.

-If someone doesn’t at first speak your language I found the best thing to do is to just stare at them blankly, silently judging them. Then they always start speaking English.

-Greek is Greek to me.

-I apologize for that last joke.

-Is there a job in the world more pointless than Amsterdam police officer?

-There’s a reason dollar coins haven’t caught on in the States. Because we’re not idiots.

-If you at all know Greg Lynch and you haven’t already heard the “Amsterdam/banana” story then you must seek him out and ask him to tell it to you. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.

-When in Rome…
…do a Roman
…watch out for flying gypsy babies
…pass out from heat exhaustion

-The good thing about being in Europe for a month is you get to learn a lot about American pop music.

-On a related note: By far the two most popular songs in Europe are “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by the Black Eyed Peas and “Had a Bad Day” by Some Guy I Want to Stab With a Salad Fork. Clearly two songs that would only thrive in a place where people can’t understand the lyrics…

-If you want to know what Dublin is like, try to imagine if there was a place in America that was old, industrial, filled with historical buildings many of which involve a revolutionary war, cold, near water, and filled with Irish people. If only such a place existed in America...Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination…

-If you only see one thing in your life see Park Guell in Barcelona. If you only see two things, see it twice.

-Actually I totally take that last statement back. If you only see one thing in your life, see The Acropolis in Athens. I’ve only seen a very small section of this planet but if there’s anything more mind-blowing than The Acropolis on this Earth I would be VERY surprised. It was so incredible I even bought a T-shirt.

-If you somehow have time to see three things in your life the third one should definitely be the fireworks at the Eiffel tower on Bastille Day. The word “fireworks” though does them so little justice. It’s insulting to even mention them in the same breath with “fireworks”. To call them “fireworks” is like calling Jennifer Connolly “an attractive person”. I gotta give the French this, they totally kick our ass in the fireworks/laser/music/fire/lighting spectaculars department. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.

-It’s amazing how much you can communicate with someone using just hand signals, body language, and grunting noises. A gun also helps.

-Either the French haven’t bathed in a VERY long time or Paris is the new Harlem.

-Once again, I apologize for that last joke, but on a whole different level.

-I found out what happened to the Fanta girls. They moved to Europe.

-On a serious note: If everyone in the world spoke the same language it would be a MUCH more united place. It's not stick and stones that break our bones, it’s the communication gap that hurts us.

-Another serious note that I read somewhere on the trip (can’t remember where) but thought worth sharing: “America gave the world both smallpox and the vaccine for smallpox.”
It gets deeper the longer you think about it.

-In Spain they really don’t sit around counting things out loud or discussing members of the family or parts of the body nearly as much as I was lead to believe in Spanish class. I’m very disappointed.

-Is it too late to go to Olive Garden and ask for my money back?

-Just so you know: The Maestro lied. There are plenty of villas available in Tuscany.

-If you’d like a good challenge, try explaining what a fluffernutter is to someone who has a very limited knowledge of English.

-Its good to know that despite all our differences the one common unifier among all the world’s people is a love for illegal narcotics.

-MTV in Italy actually plays videos. Seriously, get with the program people. That’s like SO 1988.

-If you’re a homeless beggar in Rome and you’re not hanging out by the Vatican then what the hell are you doing? You really might want to rethink begging as a profession because clearly you don’t have what it takes.

-From time to time I like to give back to my readers and this is one of those times. So if you happen to be a homeless American beggar listen up because here’s my unsolicited career advice for you: Learn a skill. It doesn’t have to be much. I don’t mean you have to play an instrument or dance. It can be anything. Anything at all. Get a skeleton puppet and have it dance to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. Learn how to fit your entire body inside a small box. Jump out from behind a bush. Just stand really, really still. Anything! But just do SOMETHING. Because this whole asking for money without providing any service has got to end. You’re really an embarrassment to our country. Europe’s homeless are totally kicking your ass. Almost all of them give back to the community in some way. But not you. You just yell at me. And don’t try and tell me that your comedy routine where you pretend to be passed out on the subway and then fall into people when the train makes sudden stops is giving back. That aint cutting it. There’s seriously no excuse for you not learning a skill, I mean what else are you doing with your day. Its not like you got a lot else goin on. So get to work and start providing me with amusement. I feel like since much of my readership is either homeless and unemployed, or soon to be homeless and unemployed, this public service message might really make a difference. That’s Fredtheonlinejournal for ya. Changing the world one drunken crack whore at a time.

-You know with me you’re usually guaranteed one good exclamation point and capital letter filled rant per entry. Well here you go:
When in Europe it’s pretty easy to got annoyed or even angered at all things American: The always guaranteed to be obnoxious American tourists. The way you can buy Yankees hats in places where they don’t even know what baseball is. The fact a peaceful moment on a side street in Venice can be at any time interrupted by blaring 50 Cent songs. But for me the thing that annoyed me most of all was McDonalds. It wasn’t just their overwhelming presence on every other block. It wasn’t just the fact that they managed to set themselves up inches away from anything of any ancient historical or cultural significance. No, it was mostly their slogan: “I’m lovin’ it”. Now basically every major American company has a heavy presence in Europe; this is a pretty well known fact. But 99.9% of them do the logical thing and translate their slogans so they will be able to reach the locals. McDonalds though for some reason decided not to. Instead, they refused to translate “Im Lovin’ It” leaving it just at it is in America. Now this means that not only is the slogan in English but it also, in “lovin”, it uses a word THAT IS NOT EVEN A REAL WORD! IT’S SLANG! Now of course if you speak English it’s pretty easy to figure out that “lovin” is just short for “loving”. But if you have trouble even figuring out what the word “loving” means, then how the hell are you supposed to know what “lovin” means? IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD!!! Being so powerful and popular that you can use fake foreign slang words to promote your product and no one cares - only at McDonalds folks.
I’M LOVIN’ IT!

-Every country seemed to have approximately one foreign thing that was randomly yet unexplainably popular, often moreso than in its own country. Here’s the country-by-country list based on my own personal, possibly inaccurate, observations:
Ireland- Kelly Clarkson
England- Subway sandwiches, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Netherlands- everything America has ever produced
France- Tim Burton
Italy- Pringles, U2
Spain- Fanta
Greece- backgammon (might actually be of Greek origin for all I know. But for whatever reason backgammon is as popular in Athens as pot and hookers are in Amsterdam)

-Over the course of the trip I came to appreciate many, many things about America much more than I would have ever imagined. But there’s nothing I now appreciate more about America than free water in restaurants. In Europe, between restaurants and bottles from street vendors, I don’t thing it would be an exaggeration to say I spent more money on hydration than I did on habitation. Suffice it to say Europe was VERY hot. But then again as much as I might have complained, part of me thinks you haven’t really lived until you’ve chugged an entire 2 Liter bottle of water in under 5 minutes. So I hereby present a small sampling of my rants about water:

-I have a new favorite drink - water. And as you’ve read previously on this very site, the two foods I’m obsessed with are rice and Cheerios. I think those bits of information should tell you all you need to know about me as a person.

-I always heard “don’t drink the tap water in Europe”. I didn’t realize that was because they infused it with crack. Damn hommie, that shit addictive.

-When you find a bottle of water for 50 cents and immediately begin cradling it like a baby and caressing it, and don’t even realize you’re doing it until someone calls you out for it, that’s when you know that you might have a problem.

Conversation from a dream I had:
Faceless person: Can I have a sip of your water?
Me: (maniacal laughter)
Faceless person: Wow, Europe really HAS been life changing hasn’t it?

Ranking the waters of Paris:
1.)Evian- The Grey Goose of water
2.)Vittel- Refreshing but a little bland
3.)Eau du Source- If by “source” they mean “the tap” then I’ll go with them on that one
3 & 1/2.) Volvic Citrus Flavored- If humans produced water out of their assholes this is what that water would taste like

(and yes I do realize that I used the term “bland” to describe water)

-And of course what would an entry be without- THE TOP 3 & 1/2 LISTS:

Top 3 & 1/2 Best Cities in Europe (that we visited):
1.)Amsterdam
2.)Barcelona
3.)Venice
3 & 1/2.) Athens

Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that might not be in your guidebook:
1.)Go to the top of Montijuic in Barcelona
2.)Rent a bike in Amsterdam
3.)Eat at Pizzeria Baffetto in Rome
3 & 1/2.) Have a Mythos beer in Athens

Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that definitely ARE in your guidebook:
1.)The Acropolis
2.)St. Marks Square (in Venice)
3.)Versailles
3 & 1/2.) The Anne Frank House

Top 3 & 1/2 Quotes from Greg about Satan:
1.)“Satan has crawled inside of me and made a nest.”
2.)“I found out what Satan is. He is powdered soap.”
3.)“Satan lives in Barcelona.”
3 & 1/2.) “You can’t spell Satan without the tan.”
(Note: he didn’t actually say the last one. I just wish he had.)


Thought of the Week:
I wonder if 50 Cent ever gets intimidated around 99 cent stores?


Thought of the Week 2:
One of the best things Ive read in a long long time about the state of world affairs. I couldnt have said it all better myself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/the-war-against-fundament_b_5898.html