The only thing that gets me out of bed at 8:38 am on a Tuesday during break

There’s nothing quite as good as being an Oscar winner, but being an Oscar nominee comes close. If you never wind up winning an Oscar then at least you will get to be advertised as Oscar Nominee (Your Name Here) in all upcoming movie trailers and in your obituary. Plus you get to join such illustrious company as Queen Latifah, Rosie Perez, Eric Roberts, and Maria Ouspenskaya. You can overnight go from crappy/unknown actor to crappy/unknown actor with an Oscar nomination. It’s amazing really. Plus I hear the nominee luncheon is pretty bitchin’. And now we have a whole new crop of people who can add the illustrious title of Oscar Nominee to the front of their name and enjoy some pretty awesome free food. Good for them.

Before I share my thoughts though, I must first address one of my pet peeves. You can’t really be upset about someone not getting nominated if they were never even being considered. For example, I’m sure everyone will bitch about the omission of Eternal Sunshine but the old codgers that do the nominating were NEVER going to nominate it. It never had a prayer and everyone who knew anything knew this coming into today. So therefore it should be neither shocking nor outraging. If you want to be angry about Paul Giamatti that’s one thing, but being angry about Mark Wahlberg in I Heart Huckabees is uncouth and just makes you look stupid no matter how much in an ideal world he should have been nominated. But this isn’t an ideal world. It’s not run by me. It’s run by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. So deal with it. And now, without further adieu I present my thoughts on this year’s nominees, which considering what was being considered, are actually pretty good.

*Memo to the national news media: For the last time, Passion of the Christ AKA “Mel” and Fahrenheit 9/11 AKA “Moore” didn’t get “snubbed”, they just didn’t get nominated. In order for it to be a “snub” it have to have been considered in the first place, and no one this side of Idiotville ever thought either had a snowball’s chance in hell of getting anywhere near Oscar. Just because they were the highest profile movies of the year doesn’t mean they were ever being considered for Best Picture. I don’t remember anyone back in the day talking about how Armageddon or Men in Black got “snubbed”. They just didn’t get nominated. And the only reason Fahrenheit isn’t up for Best Documentary is because Michael Moore DIDN’T SUBMIT IT. It can’t be a “snub” if the director didn’t even bother to fill out the requisite paperwork. But then again I guess asking people to actually do a little research and have all the information before getting mad and crying “snub” would be too much to ask….
Okay I’m done.
For now.

*The Queen Latifah Memorial Worst Acting Nominee Award:
Natalie Portman for Best Supporting Actress- I know that any award that both Anna Paquin and Whoopi Goldberg have won isn’t like an actual valid award, but still, Natalie Portman in Closer? Really? Come on now, be honest, don’t you halfway suspect she didn’t actually memorize her lines for that movie and was merely reading them off large off-camera index cards? I mean that’s what it sure sounded like. Sure yes, she played a stripper and all, and yes, Natalie Portman playing a stripper does deserve some kind of award, but not an Oscar. A Blockbuster Entertainment Award maybe. Ah what the hell, the Oscars nominated Kathy Bates one year just for getting naked so why does it matter. And its not like her nomination really hurt anyone major. As they always say, “its all fun and games until someone gets snubbed”…

*…Alan Alda on the other hand…Okay maybe I was picking popcorn kernels out of my clothes and missed it, but he was even IN The Aviator? This was news to me. What isn’t news to me though is that Freddie Highmore from Finding Neverland WAS FREAKING AWESOME! I mean in past years Anna Paquin and Tatum O’Neal WON and this kid cant even get invited to the show? Explain. I mean Freddie was the man. Or I guess in this case, the boy. But whatever. I don’t think I would be exaggerating if I said it was the best performance by a child actor ever. I mean who has been better? And don’t gimme this Haley Joel Osmond stuff or I’ll hit you so hard so that he’ll be the only one who can see you if you know what I mean. Freddie is probably home crying right now and he’s probably doing a better job of it than anyone else could have done. Even that cry baby Imelda Staunton. (Inside joke there for the five people who saw Vera Drake…). Anyway I hope you nominator people are happy with yourselves. Maybe if Alan Alda dies before the ceremony Freddie can go in his place. I’ll have to get on that.

*Speaking of death: Clint Eastwood. For Best Actor? I think some people might have gotten a little carried away with their love for Million Dollar Baby. Eastwood cried. Great, give him a cookie. Not an Oscar. Although I can see how you might confuse the two. Of course what was not confusing was that Paul Giamatti was brilliant. And if he can’t get a nomination for Sideways then he never will. He should start a “The Academy Officially Hates Us” club with Jim Carrey and Steve Martin. Paul Giamatti not getting nominated for Best Actor is what we call a “snub”, boys and girls. And while we are talking about people beating out Paul Giamatti, may we also mention Don Cheadle and his ever-raising eyebrows? Seriously dude, get a sedative for those suckers. They make Jack Nicholson’s eyebrows seem immobile and underused by comparison. Might I also mention Johnny Depp, who in Finding Neverland takes understatement to whole new level? He was so understated in fact, that he made no statement at all. But I guess the black guy and the hot rebel white guy beat out the nerdy ugly guy and the Hispanic guy in the foreign language film (Javier Bardem) every time, so whatcha gonna do?

*That last entry was a little too similar structurally to the previous one. I apologize for that. It won’t happen again.

*In a development absolutely no one cares about besides me, how did Collateral not get nominated for best Cinematography? How the hell did this happen? And yes I am actually seriously upset about this. You should just feel lucky I restrained from making any Gordon Willis references. Okay I need a life…

*I really don’t know what to say about the Best Foreign Language Nominating process without using over 5,000 words, and since no one wants to read that much lemme just say this: Any year that produces The Sea Inside, A Very Long Engagement, Bad Education, Motorcycle Diaries, Maria Full of Grace and, to a much lesser degree, House of Flying Daggers, and winds up with its Foreign Film nominees including only ONE of those and then four films no one has heard of (well expect for that French Mr. Holland’s Opus knockoff) is a year that needs to be the impetus for the long overdue overhaul of the Foreign Film committee. But since the documentary committee only started to show signs of life about 15 years after the fact, suffice it to say I’m not holding out hope…

*The Chocolat Memorial Worst Best Picture Nominee Award
Ray- Jamie Foxx is great in it. It is thoroughly entertaining. It has so much universal appeal that even my Dad liked it. But it looks like it was edited by someone who simply read “Editing for Dummys” and then started splicing film together. And the ending was so clearly tacked on and unnecessary it screamed out “test screening mandated”. And the direction was pedestrian at best. And the whole thing seemed rather bland. And even my Dad liked it.
(Also: Is it a coincidence that its director, Best Director Nominee Taylor Hackford, has the word “Hack” in his name? I think not…)

*So Mick Jagger WINS the Golden Globe for best song and then doesn’t even get NOMINATED for an Oscar? Huh? Well I guess since not a single song from A Hard Day’s Night or Saturday Night Fever got nominated that’s about par for the course.

*Just as a public service announcement I think I should say that in case you haven’t seen Million Dollar Baby or are an idiot and waked out at some point in the first hour, it is not actually a boxing movie. Or a sports movie for that matter. Or about a wise black man helping people. Or anything that is even vaguely alluded to in the trailer. To find out what it IS about you have to, and I know this will sound crazy, WATCH THE WHOLE THING. Crazy concept…

*Since Tupac:Resurrection got nominated for Best Documentary I think the biggest suspense of Oscar night will be: what will Tupac be wearing? I only hope it wins because I bet his acceptance speech will be awesome!

*Well, other than the above-mentioned stuff I think the nominations were pretty much exactly what everyone predicted and a pretty good lot, considering that this is the worst year for Oscar worthy movies since 1996. So Ill be back soon with my Oscar Predictions and more banal rambling annoyances. Be there.

Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Europe
2.) Rilo Kiley- "Portions for Foxes"
3.) "Will in the World" by Stephen Greenblatt
3 & 1/2.) Snow