So in interest of full disclosure I don’t have all that much of a rooting interest in this year’s round of movie awards. Usually I get very passionate about them but I know that this year its going to ultimately come down to Aviator vs. Million Dollar Baby, two movies I both liked alright, but neither that I care that much about one way or the other. I do have some favorites in the other categories but I’ll get into that more come Oscar time. First up though, is round one: The Golden Globes. It’s almost as fun as the Oscar except for the fact it doesn’t have a host or a montage of dead people. And less non-actors giving awkward speeches. And no short film nominees. Well actually, it doesn’t compare at all. But still, it’s famous people drinking heavily and then getting awards on live TV so it does have its appeal. And to share in the appeal with me this year were Carlyn, and via phone, one Ms. Maddox. And below are my…okay, okay, OUR…thoughts.
- “William Shatner”
- What is that thing on the back of Jamie Foxx’s head? A hideous looking tattoo? Get that thing off before the Oscars my man. And speaking of tattoos, Virginia Madsen, I love you dear, but that little arm tattoo makes you look like a two-bit prostitute. Now that you are a serious Oscar nominated actress you might want to get some laser work done. And yes I just used the pharse "two-bit prostitute".
- So as I was watching Natalie’s acceptance speech I thought, “That is what a Harvard education gets you?” I think I’ve heard more articulate usage of language in the Center for Student Services. Plus, why the heck did she win?!? Has there ever been a less deserving winner? Well okay Madonna did win Best Actress once, but that question was intended to be rhetorical. All I can figure in this case was that the male voters thought maybe if they gave her an award she would have sex with them. And that she would call them daddy. Cause that seems to be her thing. Natalie we all expected better from you…
(PS- Please no one give Natalie the link to this thing. She might break up with me over that last entry…)
-“William Shatner”
-Javier Bardem looks like Harry Conick Jr. if Harry Conick Jr. looked like Tony Danza.
-It has to be said so Ill be the one to say it. Hillary Swank looks like a horse. There I said it. Now I’m going to straight to hell. I don’t even get to pass Go and collect my $200.
-Now that I’m already damned to hell and I’ve got nothing left to lose I might as well say this too: No wonder the Desperate Housewives are so desperate; if I looked like them Id be pretty desperate too. Especially if I was the scary looking one.
-Speaking of Desperate Housewives: Terri Hatcher now has an award! And it’s not even a Blockbuster Entertainment Award! It’s like a valid award! It was gold and everything! Wow, I didn’t even know Radio Shack made trophies like that. The best part about her winning though had to be this line from her speech:
“You wrote me such a great part where I get to be locked out of my house naked”
I think Meryl Streep once said that exact sentence…
-“William Shatner”
- I think I speak for us all when I say: Clint Eastwood has a 16 year old daughter?!?!?
-The Golden Globes were brought to you by Diet Dr. Pepper, which, apparently, “tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper”. This has to be one of the biggest myths currently being perpetrated on the American public. In no way does Diet Dr. Pepper taste anything like regular Dr. Pepper. Dr. Pepper tastes like a good soft drink. DIET Dr. Pepper tastes like Satan pissed in a cup and then made you drink it. There is a difference between the two.
-It’s awards season so you know what that means: the return of the mysterious unnamed fat guy who always sits next to Renee Zellweger. Seriously, who is that guy?
-My new rules for acceptance speeches: If you win an award for a comedic performance or are known to be a funny person then you have to be funny in your speech. Or at least make the attempt. If not, you have to cry. There are no other options. Under no circumstances shall you read and/or recite a list of names. Also, if you are presenting an award, you must wear an eye patch. This is non-negotiable.
-Someone from one of the Law and Orders won an acting award? Is that allowed?
-“William Shatner”
-While discussing Angelica Huston:
Carlyn: “She has an ugly dress on.”
Me: “She has an ugly face on.”
-More Carlyn:
(While looking at Robert Redford): “He’s melting”
-Even more Carlyn:
“Ian McShane (the scary guy from Deadwood) looks like Al Pacino ate him and then regurgitated him”
-Last one I swear:
Jamie Foxx thanking Taylor Hackford: “He’s my best director”
Carlyn: “Wow, he beat out Keenen Ivory Wayans”
And without further ado…
Top 3 & 1/2 Moments of the Golden Globes-
1a.) Jamie Foxx’s speech: Now THAT is how it’s done. The PERFECT speech. Humorous, genuine, heartfelt, excited, commanding, and even some tears at the end. Absolutely perfect. Now why can’t all acceptance speeches be like that? Come folks, all of you are actors, I know you can do it. Yes, I’m talking about you Annette Bening.
1b.) When Jamie Foxx won and they showed the reaction of every black person in the audience. Even Prince. And he’s not really even black. Speaking of which, remember that time Halle Berry won an Oscar? How the fuck did THAT ever happen?
2.) Meryl Streep’s annual drunken Golden Globes appearance! I honestly wait all year for it, and she never disappoints. While nothing will ever top last year, this year was great fun too. Seriously, I don’t know if I can express in words how much joy drunken Meryl Streep brings into my life. Too much.
3.) Robin Williams’ speech: They should actually just do a show where Robin Williams just talks for 3 hours straight. No other awards, just Robin Williams talking. Wait, they did? It's called Good Morning Vietnam? It’s called his HBO stand up specials? And his Inside the Actors Studio appearance? Wow, I’ll have to get my hands on those. My only quibble (and its not his fault): in his clip retrospective they mention Patch Adams and Popeye and not Awakenings? WTF mate?
3 & 1/2.) Usher and Lisa Marie Presley: At first when I saw Usher in attendance I thought maybe he was there because they were going to honor his work in She’s All That several years after the fact. Maybe they just now got around to watching the DVD and wanted to give him a special award even though it’s a few years too late. But then he came out on stage with Lisa Marie and I saw sadly that was not the case. No, he was there to make Lisa Marie seem personable and lively by comparison. But then again my Grandma could do that. And she’s dead.
4.) And oh yeah: “William Shatner”
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