Keanu Reeves – Hamlet
Paris Hilton – Ophelia, Gertrude
Adrian Grenier – Ghost of Hamlet’s Father, others
Keanu: Whoa, I’m like the Prince of Denmark
Paris: That’s hot.
Keanu: Like, I think I love you
Paris: Hot. You wanna tape us having sex?
Keanu: Whoa, totally
(enter Adrian)
Keanu: Who are you?
Adrian: I’m stiff and awkward and not believable as human being.
Paris: Threesome!
Adrian: Also, I’m your father’s ghost.
Keanu: Whoa, that just blew my mind.
Paris: I’ll blow your cock.
Keanu: Father, I can’t decide if I should avenge your death or not. What do you think?
Adrian: I have no thoughts in my head. (exits)
Keanu: I do. I have many thoughts. Too many thoughts. They make living too hard. O, to be or not to be
that is the question.
Paris: What’s a question?
Keanu: A sentence in an interrogative form, addressed to someone in order to get information in reply.
Paris: I only understood about half of those words.
Keanu: Probably because at this point you’re suffering from mental illness.
Paris: Also, gonorrhea
Keanu: Whatever. You’re, like, done with that character anyway. You’re playing my Mom now.
Paris: Hot.
Keanu: I know. That’s the problem. And the subtext.
Paris: Did you say “have sex”?
Keanu: No. But let’s, like, have it anyway.
Adrian: Don’t forget about me. I’m playing Polonius. And I’m in the closet. (pause) Also, location wise,
I’m behind a big curtain.
Keanu: SHUT UP! I hate you so much. (stabs him)
Paris: OMG, you like totally killed him!
Adrian: But now I’m back as Laertes. Lets like fight and stuff.
Keanu: Ow, you stabbed me. Now I’m dead.
Adrian: I am also dead.
Paris: I’m like so totally dead too.
God: Yes!
(There is jubilation and dancing. Peace is achieved in the Middle East. A choir of angels can be heard. Pain and suffering cease to exist. All is right with the world.)
THE END
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