My Month of Soccer

The World Cup is the greatest thing that mankind has ever created. And if you disagree with that statement then you are wrong. And you probably lead a sad grey passionless existence in which you pray every day for the sweet release of death.

Or maybe you just have an actual life.
Whatever.

Point is that over the past month I have experienced every possible human emotion at least ten times over. I lost sleep, hair, and my voice. I drank copious amounts of beer, hugged and slapped hands with complete strangers and got so filled with tension that I seriously worried that my heart might explode. And my level of soccer knowledge went from “I hope that one guy can kick the ball into the net soon” to “it’s the 85th minute and if they don’t fucking switch to a goddamn 4-3-3 soon then no amount of stoppage time is going to get them the equalizer”. But just enough knowledge of soccer to be completely obnoxious is not all I picked up over the past month. Theres more...

Things I Learned During The World Cup:

*US sports teams names are lame. The Falcons? The Eagles? The Reds? Try The Super Eagles, The Indomitable Lions, and La Furija Roja (The Furious Red). And it's not just the addition of adjectives either. The Greek team is called The Pirate Ship. That’s the greatest name for anything ever. Come on America, step your game up.

(Second place for best name for anything ever? Nigeria has a President named Goodluck Jonathan. No, I'm not making that up)

*Cardiologists must love The World Cup.

*Despite the success of this World Cup I feel certain that South Africa is never, ever, EVER going to be allowed to host a worldwide sports competition again. (Thanks a lot vuvuzelas)
Speaking of which…

*The amount of World Cup you have watched can be best defined by which of these quotes sums up your feelings on hearing a chorus of vuvuzelas:
1.) “What is vuvuzela?”
2.) “Vuvuzelas are the worst, most obnoxious thing in the history of the world!”
3.) “Oh, are thousands of people blowing on vuvuzelas at the moment? I didn’t even notice.”
4.) “I’ve started sleeping under a bees’ nest because I’m no longer able to be at peace in the world without the sweet dulcet tones of vuvuzela wafting through the air.”

*When you’re watching a sporting event that is not the World Cup if you yell out “come on, that’s a clear yellow card!” people will look at you funny.

*Apparently the players for Paraguay have no problem looking like escaped convicts from a jail for clowns.

*It's good to know that no matter what our differences might be, all nations in the world are united in our hatred of the French.

*Soccer is now officially the indie rock of American sports.

*Musically speaking all national anthems pretty much sound they same. And they all kind of suck.

*Both the best and the worst thing about soccer is watching a guy writhing in pain get carried off the pitch on a stretcher only to hop off and be perfectly fine the second he gets to the sideline.

*Whoever thought of the idea to give the New Zealand All-Whites an almost all black uniform is my new hero.

*Spain's David Villa is the first person in history to successfully pull off the soul patch.

*USA is without a doubt the most easily chant-able of all the country names in existence. Unless of course there is a BeatL.A.istan or a Republic of YankeesSuck somewhere I don’t know about.

*There are black people in Switzerland.

*There really need to be more occasions wherein it’s culturally acceptable to drink in a bar at 10am on a weekday.

*It's hard to take a man seriously when his name is Kaka.

*The World Cup can teach you a lot about your neighbors. For instance I had no idea so many people of Serbian descent live in my neighborhood.

*If you ever visit Portugal don’t ever accidentally graze past anyone on the street or they will fall into a heap on the ground and writhe around in agony like they have been shot. They are a fragile people. Also, they suck.

*Ian Darke is the Gus Johnson of soccer. But neither of them have anything on this guy.

*Soccer terminology is so much more sophisticated and classy than the language we use in American sports. Teams aren’t "playing well" they are "displaying good quality". The ball doesn’t get "stolen" it gets "dispossessed". And I'm not even taking into account the time an announcer called the Paraguayan defense "obdurate".

*Diego Forlan is very good at soccer. He is also very good at looking like the love child of Bradley Cooper and Sean Penn.

*Like the wannabe pseudo-hipster I am I have really fallen in love with soccer jerseys. (Or kits I believe they're called?)

My five favorites of the World Cup:
5.) Spain - Away
4.) Brazil - Home
3.) Mexico - Away
2.) Portugal - Home (which I would have bought if I didn’t hate Portugal so much)
1.) Australia - Home (which I might or might not have made a special trip to Niketown to buy)

*And finally, with all due respect to Paul the Octopus, Diego Maradona, the French team refusing to practice, and the heroic run of Ghana, the thing that will always be the highlight of this World Cup, this past month, this whole summer is of course Donovan's goal vs. Algeria. I will remember it for the rest of my life and it made every hour I spent watching these games totally worth it. So thanks for everything soccer. I'll see you again in four years.