Arbitrary Title

There is a long list of reasons why I havent updated the journal recently. This list begins with "Con" and ends with "Edison". And in between there are other non-electricty related reasons inlcuding "Being in a play" "Training for/starting a new job" and "Fighting with my landlord". And if all those things werent enough, Im now leaving for New Hampshire. Thats right, in case you didnt get the memo, Im leaving for three weeks to tour with the New England Shakespeare Festival. Tommorrow I leave for that theater mecca of Deerfield, New Hampshire and I will stay there until August 14th, pursuing fame, fortune, and probably scabies. I also hopefully will finally at long last be able to determine for myself which state is New Hampshire and which state is Vermont.


Im very excited.


But the point of this story as it relates to you is that I might be out of commission for a while. I know I will have internet access while on tour but I dont know if Ill have any time to write. Its a shame because I have a lot of things Id like to discuss with you in a semi-humorous and self important manner. But I dont know if this will be possible until after the 14th.


And whle Im on the subject (or not on the subject as the case may be) if you see anyone walking around in a Con Ed uniform, punch them in the face for me. Seriously, the Queens blackout made the transit strike seem like Christmas. Who is the head of Con Ed? Michael Brown? And let Bloomberg know he's lost my vote. If he can even run again that is.


Okay enough with that. On to the rejected columns.


What rejected columns you ask? The two I'm about to give you. They were two colums written for other sites but rejected by those sites and so now they end up here. Well one's more of a list than a column, but whatever. Theyre both rejects.

Anyway, If I dont talk to you again have a great early August. And Ill be back soon with great new stuff. I promise. (Wilmer Valderamma consider this your warning.)

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How The Name Of The Band Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Would Be Different If It Had Been Named By Specific Other People

P. Diddy: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (Remix)

Lil' Jon: Clap Your Hands Say YEEEEEAAAHH
Ice-T: Clap Your Hands Motherfucker

Dolly Parton: Clap Yalls Hands Say Ye-Haw

Phillip Glass: Clap Your Hands Clap Your Hands Clap Your Hands

Jewel: Clap These Hands Which Are Not Yours They Are My Own

Marilyn Manson: Chop Off Your Hands And Sacrifice Them To Satan

Sufjan Stevens: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!!! or The Strange Tale of the Moving Hands and the Resulant Exclaimations of Those People Involved

Prince: &

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The Disembowelment of Our Heroes

A few short years ago we all experienced one of the greatest tragedies in our nation’s history. At the time we all agreed that Hollywood should never try to make the events of that day into a film. But now they have. And I for one say it’s too soon. The wounds are still too fresh. The emotions still too raw. And for some of us, like myself, the pain and grief such a film would cause would be too much to bear. Because I, like so many others, lost a loved one that day. My brother was aboard that flight. And it is in his name I say we must prevent Hollywood from tainting the memory of that day with the stain of commercialism. We must stop them from tarnishing the legacy of the heroes aboard that flight. We must stop their blasphemies and lies. We must stop Snakes on Plane.

See, lost in the hype about Snakes on a Plane is the fact that’s its just another in a long line of movies Hollywood has made to exploit and profit from real life tragedies. In that way it’s just like Schindlers List.

Only instead of Nazis there are snakes.

And instead of the Holocaust it’s an airplane.

But that doesn’t make it any less real. Or any less tragic. I mean those weren’t just an ethnically and culturally diverse group of stereotypical one-dimensional characters aboard that plane. They were real people. Real people who fought back against those snakes. And my brother was one of them.

He was a brave man. A noble man. A courageous man. A man who ultimately had his bleeding entrails ripped out of his body by motherfucking snakes. And he deserves better than to have his heroic deeds and good name sullied with the stain of Hollywood commercialism. We just can’t trust Hollywood to do his story justice. I mean, even though his last words he said to me over the phone were “I’m getting my entrails ripped out by motherfucking snakes” it is impossible and irresponsible to try and guess what happened aboard that fateful flight. But has that stopped Hollywood from doing so? No! They have no respect for anything. Look at their casting choices for example. Samuel L. Jackson? As a hero? Anyone who has ever seen a movie knows that black people can only be villains, drug dealers or wise all-knowing narrators. But a hero? I don’t buy it. And Julianna Margulies? She’s too closely associated with her unforgettable and iconic character from ER to ever be believed in another other role. Her presence in the film will surely shatter the audience’s suspension of disbelief. It’s a shame to see her agree to be in such garbage. O, how the mighty have fallen.

But alas, despite all of my qualms with the film Hollywood will not listen to me. So that is why I ask you to join me and boycott this exploitative film. Together we can make sure it never sees the light of day. Sure you can stand by and allow it to be released, but it’s a slippery slope my friend. Today its snake on a plane, tomorrow it’ll be hamsters in a Honda Civic. And soon no animal/form of transportation combination will be sacred. And the memories of all of our country’s greatest heroes will be forever tainted. So stand up against this exploitation and this shameless commercialism.

Don’t even think.

Just do it.