Grammys 2017: Adele's Revenge

Who gives a damn about a Grammy? Other than Chance the Rapper hopefully no one. But what I DO give a damn about is the Grammys telecast. It’s great! Sometimes for the wrong reasons, but whatever! I love watching it. So, as always, here are some thoughts on each of this years performances: 

Adele (Hello)

“Heeeellllooooooo from 12 months ago” - Adele

Nothing like showing how you have your finger on the pulse of music like starting your music awards show out with a song from 2015. Keep up the good work Grammys!

James Cordon opening

James Cordon is the best case scenario for a musical theater kid.

The Weeknd

The Weeknd is the best case scenario for selling out.

Also, The Weeknd is great in any situation, but definitely the situation The Weeknd is best in is when Drake cancels on your awards show last minute.

Keith Urban/Country Music Barbie

Is this country music is now??? If so I guess it’s true what they say: one generation’s dance-influenced guitar pop is the next generation’s country music. 

Either that or genre is now officially dead.

Ed Sheeran

Fun game I like to play: Former Harry Potter Actor or Ed Sheeran

Fun fact that is definitely true: No one over the age of 26 can name a single Ed Sheeran song

Fun thing to watch on The Grammys: Not this performance

Lukas Graham/Kelsea Ballerini

It’s been fun not knowing you Kelsea Ballerini. Best of luck with everything.

HOT TAKE SO HOT THAT IT’S ON FIRE: “7 Years” is a good song and I enjoy it.

(Feels good to get that off my chest)

Beyonce

In retrospect Destiny’s Child is the most fitting name possible for a young-Beyonce fronted group. This Beyonce is where the last 20 years of popular music have been building to. If 1998 Lauryn Hill, 2008 Lady Gaga, and 2010 Kanye had a daughter, that daughter would want to be 2016/17 Beyonce when she grows up.

Having the platform, permission, vision, and talent to give this performance is really the final level possible of popular artistic success. Clearly Beyonce is there and it’s awesome to see. But mostly I just enjoy how Solange Beyonce is now.

Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars paradoxes:

-Bruno Mars remains somehow both incredibly overrated and incredibly underrated at the same time.

-Bruno Mars is one of the most charismatic performers in history, yet also somehow has no discernible personality.

-Pretty much everyone would agree that a Bruno Mars concert seems like it would be awesome, yet I doubt there’s a single person I know who would ever actually want to go to one.

Bruno Mars remains a great live performer and an even greater enigma, and the Earth will now die and crash into the sun before The Grammys will ever again happen without a Bruno Mars performance.

Katy Perry

I don't know if its acceptable to ironically love Katy Perry yet or not, but regardless, I audibly expressed excitement when her performance was introduced. Listening to new Katy Perry singles is my heroin. I know I’ll never get back that original high of “Teenage Dream” but I’m addicted to trying anyway. It just makes me feel so good inside. And it will somehow probably lead to my death.

Also, how quietly Katy Perry is winning the Perry/Swift civil war is so Katy Perry. And as much as I like Taylor Swift I’m gonna be one of the first people off the boats at Normandy

Gary Clark Jr.

Gary, you're great and I'm sure that was lovely, but I gotta be honest, I was still Perry drunk for your whole performance.

Alicia Keys/Maren Morris

I feel like we as a society have failed Alicia Keys. She’s some parallel universe’s Beyonce.

And I had no real idea who Maren Morris was coming into tonight but I have a strong feeling her album sales just picked up significantly. So way to Ricky Martin that thing Maren!

Adele (George Michael tribute)

In an existential twist, messing up made that way better than it would have been had everything gone according to plan. (Wake up sheep! Adele’s Sound Issues were an inside job!)

And the in-the-moment confusion over how much of Adele’s post-song emotion was about George Michael and how much was about the restart is why there's still nothing quite like watching live TV.

Lady Gaga/Metallica

Wow Lady Gaga’s country phase sure just took a dramatic turn.

Pretty sure Lady Gaga is the first person to perform on the Grammys with both Metallica and Tony Bennett, but I’ll have to check on that. All I know is I’m looking forward to next year when she performs with Wu-Tang Clan.

Sturgill Simpson

Dwight Yoakum introducing Sturgill Simpson feels even more on the nose than Beyonce being introduced by her own mother.

After that performance Sturgill Simpson easily retains his title as My All-Time Favorite Live Performer That I Had Never Even Heard of Two Months Ago. Also there's literally nothing in life The Dap-Kings don’t make better.

The Bee Gees Tribute

I know that literally no one in the world needed or wanted that, but hey, good news, Little Big Town covering “How Deep Is Your Love” is now the official theme song of CBS. So there’s that.

A Tribe Called Quest and Friends

My review

1st Half: ….honestly? Kind of a mess.

2nd Half: ALL THE FIRE EMOJIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you kick it? I’m pretty sure you just did. The ONLY bright side to the next four years is the hope that we might get to experience even more shit like that.

Prince Tribute

Bruno Mars and The Time doing the Grammys' Prince Tribute is the occam’s razor of Prince tributes. It also feels like the last word. Although I also think we’d all be totally fine with just continuing to do Prince tributes forever.

Chance the Rapper

There was a 100% chance that was going to be transcendently great and indeed it was. I don’t believe in God, but Chance the Rapper is so great that he makes me think that I do.

John Legend/Cynthia Erivo

HOT TAKE SO HOT IT CAN MELT STEEL BEAMS: I’m over awards shows doing solemn In Memoriam segments.

Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!! James Cordon thought he could upstage Neil Portnow with his Neil Portnow intro but NOTHING CAN UPSTAGE NEIL PORTNOW! 

Real talk: At this point I legitimately don’t know if my excitement about Neil Portnow is even ironic anymore. This is my cry for help.

The fact that The Grammys ended the performance section of the night with In Memoriam and Neil Portnow

#ThatsSoGrammy

Grammys 2016

Yes, the Grammys are a dumb pointless out-of-touch awards show, but they're also a fantastic night for televised live music performances. It's always my favorite TV watching night of the year, and this year was no exception. So who cares who won or lost, let's run through what really matters - each of the performances in order:

Taylor Swift

You know what’s NOT out of the woods? Taylor Swift’s singing ability. But at least she was able to come up with a great concept for the performance - singing "Out of the Woods" while literally emerging from a darkened area full of trees. I mean, where does she come up with this stuff???

Well, the good thing about being Taylor Swift at The Grammys is you know there's always next year.

Sam Hunt & Carrie Underwood

Close your eyes and imagine how a person named Sam Hunt would dress for their Grammy performance. Now open them - you were exactly right!

Speaking of appearances, interesting to see that country music dealt with losing Taylor Swift by making Carrie Underwood look just like her. “Maybe no one will notice it's a different person!”

Anyway, totally unmemorable performance by Country Music Ken and Barbie.

The Weeknd

You know who would absolutely hate The Weeknd’s 2016 Grammy performance? 2012 The Weeknd.

Before performing a serious stripped down ballad at the Grammys, it's always important to ask yourself “Am I Adele?” If the answer is no then do something else. In The Weeknd’s case maybe try doing one of the songs that got you here and represent what you do best. Or, ya know, the exact opposite of that.

Andrea Day & Ellie Goulding

“Hey, I know, let’s follow a guy standing around singing an unmemorable ballad in an unmemorable way with two women doing the exact same thing! That’ll be a real Grammy Moment!”

I fell asleep at some point so I missed the exact name of that song, but I’m pretty sure it was called “Polite Applause”.

Lionel Ritchie tribute

Wow an overly-long, bland, inoffensive Lionel Ritchie tribute - or as it's known on CBS, Monday night.

A few other thoughts:

-If the Grammys aesthetic could be distilled down to a single person, that person would be John Legend.

-Holy shit, Demi Lovato isn't Vanessa Hudgens! Who knew?

-Luke Bryan honoring Lionel Ritchie is one of those ideas that sounds ridiculous in theory, but is also ridiculous in practice.

-They would have let Luke Bryan sing longer but they didn't want his cruise ship to leave without him.

Little Big Town

"Hey look, country music can be just as boring as stuffy as “real” music!"

Everything you need to know about country music is that there's a big division in the industry between people who think "Girl Crush" is controversial and people who think it's clever, when in fact it's not remotely either. I do however like Little Big Town’s follow-up single, “He Gets It In The Butt” about the dangers of cigarette smoking.

The Eagles

Wait, which one of these people died again? Jackson Browne?

Nice performance by wax sculpture versions of the Eagles, but maybe next time program them to take it little less easy. Pretty sure they took that “I’m standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona” line a bit too literally this time. But it did wind up being a great PSA for prescription sleep-aid abuse. So that's nice.

Tori Kelly & James Bay

“Shhh, we don’t want to wake up The Eagles…”

Hamilton

HAMILTON HAMILTON HAMILTON! IN CASE OF HAMILTON PLEASE BREAK GLASS!!! 

YES THE SONG WAS SLOWED DOWN TOO MUCH, AND YES EVERYONE LOOKED SLIGHTLY NERVOUS, AND YES “MY SHOT” AND “SCHUYLER SISTERS” ARE BETTER AWARDS SHOW SONGS BUT THEY’RE SAVING THEM FOR THE TONYS, BUT WHO CARES, HOLY SHIT IT’S HAMILTON!

As a theater person through and through I never thought I would see the day that a pop music awards show would be desperate to steal some of musical theater’s mojo, yet here we are. It’s a real shame the cast recording wasn't nominated for Album of the Year, but still, Lin-Miranda got contemporary musical theater onto the Grammy telecast. How lucky were are to be alive right now. 

And now, in the immortal words of The Beastie Boys, no sleep til The Tony Awards.

Kendrick Lamar

THAT is why I tune into this ridiculous award show every year. Because every once in awhile something singular and visionary and incredible like that will slip through the cracks. And when it does, it feels like magic. It feels like an event. Like one of those “Moments” that the Grammys are so obsessed with talking about. But the lesson here is, as always, instead of trying to force a big Moment or manufacture them by committee, you just have to give an incredible artist with something to say the resources and space to execute their vision, and then get out of the way.

No one loves Kanye West more than me, but I really hope he was watching Kendrick because he could really learn something from that performance. We all could. The rest of the Grammys was entertainment; Kendrick made art.

Adele

There’s apparently no truth to the rumor that Taylor Swift was in charge of the audio for Adele’s performance. But even with all the sound issues, it's amazing that Adele was able to take the exact thing that has been so boring all night - people standing motionless singing overly-serious stripped-down ballads - and make it utterly captivating. 

Also, do you think Adele already has her 2017 speech ready? If I were her I would just keep some spare acceptance speeches in my purse at all times - never know when you might need one. 

Justin Bieber

I think I kinda…really liked that? Making a song overly serious and epic at the Grammys actually really worked for once. Is Jack U the new U2? Is Justin Bieber our new Bono? What world is this?

David Bowie tribute

Great performance by David Bowie’s Wikipedia Page!

On the one hand, if the Grammys had just said “Ladies and Gentlemen: Lady Gaga” and stopped right there, that would have been the best David Bowie tribute they could have possibly done. But on the other hand, at least they can now be sure that David Bowie is actually dead, because if he wasn't before, that tribute definitely killed him.

BB King tribute

Now THAT is how you pay tribute to someone. I want to buy music from every single person involved in that. 

Chris Stapleton paying tribute to BB King is one of those ideas that sounds ridiculous in theory, but is actually awesome in practice. And man, Bonnie Raitt, that was some Melissa Etheridge/Janis Joplin-tribute level shit right there. 

Well done all around!

Alabama Shakes

Man, Brittany Howard, that was some Melissa Etheridge/Janis Joplin-tribute level shit right there!

Excited that in Alabama Shakes, The Grammys have finally found their new Foo Fighters. I would listen to Brittany Howard sing literally anything.

Hollywood Vampires

“It’s music’s biggest night! We’re here to honor the very best in music! Now here’s a performance by Johnny Depp’s vanity band!”

That was offensive to me, but for absolutely none off the reasons The Hollywood Vampires wanted it to be. I mean I know Alice Cooper wanted some stage time to work on his Johnny Depp impression, but it would have been so much easier for them to just crash two small trains together and get it over with.

Pitbull

I have a lot of questions including: What? Why? Who? and How?

Remember the year that Arcade Fire won Album of the Year and then celebrated by playing another song to close the show? Serious question: why does that not happen every year? Just tell the five nominees to have a second song ready to go in case they win and then that song would close the show every year. It would be a cool tradition, and keep viewers tuned in til the very end. It's a perfect idea, which means instead, Pitbull will close the show every year form here on out. Which leads me to close this with the official motto of the Grammys: “Ugh”

Here's to the Shorties: Thoughts on The Grammys and Other Things

Dear Grammys,

Okay what the hell?

You really gone and done it this time.

Everything in our relationship was going so smoothly. I was composing my annual article about your hilarious irrelevance and you were complying as usual what with completely predictable awards for Train and Herbie Hancock and Lady Antebellum. You even got up to our old irascible tricks by giving Best New Artist to Esperanza Spalding. Esperanza Spalding! Because that’s the kind of thing you do. I know that about you. It’s who you are. It’s who you’ll always be. Or so it seemed.

Now I think maybe our whole relationship has been a lie. I don’t even know who you are any more. I feel like I just found out that my wife of 20 years is gay. Because you just gave Album of the Year to Arcade Fire. Yes, that Arcade Fire.

You realize don’t you that they’re actually really hip and good and relevant, right? And that unlike, say, Outkast or Lauryn Hill that they didn’t sell a lot of records or produce an album with big hit singles? And you are aware aren’t you that not only did they have by far the best album nominated, but that it might actually be the actual best album of the year? So then what the hell are doing giving them Album of the Year? How does that make any sense?

Black is white. Up is down. Lion is lamb.

Then as the icing on the cake you didn’t even have them win their genre category? They lost Best Alternative Album to The Black Keys? Which means you didn’t think Arcade Fire had the best alternative album of the year but you DID think they had the best album of the year in all of music?

WHO ARE YOU GRAMMYS?!?!?!?

Why do you treat me this way?

Enough! 


In the words of Cee-Lo...forget you.
If only I knew how...

----------------------------------------------------------------

Other Thoughts:
*Okay so first things first: Hatching out of an egg is great. But then…nothing? Standing around in relatively normal attire while your backup dancers perform a choreographed dance? It was so, well, (shudder) ordinary.

Look, the Gaga backlash/"Born This Way" hate are completely predictable and I certainly don’t want to be cliché and pile on, but come on Gaga. When you’re not able to back up the stunts with the music and the performances that’s where you’re going to run into trouble. So I’m interested and nervous and excited to see how these next few months play out for you. I have high hopes and more than a few doubts. But mostly I just hope that you never let Cee-Lo Green show you up again.

(While we’re on the subject of Gaga though… before we start debating whether or not “Born This Way” is stolen from Madonna, can we finally determine once and for all whether or not Ace of Base is getting residuals for “Alejandro”?)

*If scientists got together in a lab with the sole task of coming up with the most Grammy-friendly track  possible, I’m pretty sure they couldn’t do any better (worse?) than “Hey Soul Sister”. So congrats Train. Also, congrats to Pat Moynihan for being officially the whitest person to ever unironically use the term "gangsta". It’s your move Josh Groban.

*Can Janelle Monae just perform everything forever? And can her Grammy performance please, PLEASE, finally make her a huge star? Come on world, do the right thing for once.

*Justin Bieber playing a song on acoustic guitar?? What’s next, Katy Perry singing a dramatic, overwrought ballad? Oh wait….


*Okay, say what you will about Justin Bieber, but I really do think if he was just a little smarter that there’s legitimate Timberlake potential there. Unfortunately I don’t get the sense that he has the necessary mental acumen to make that transformation. But hey it’s not his fault – he’s Canadian. Everyone knows they naturally have smaller brains.

(The good thing about picking on Canadians is that the death threats are always so polite)

*What the hell – Jaden Smith is rapping/singing now? Does Child Protective Services know about this?
Speaking of which…


*Although they seem totally grounded and well adjusted, if I was a purveyor of hard drugs and/or alcohol I might nevertheless very soon look into hanging out in the vicinity of Willow and Jaden Smith. You know, just in case.

(On a related note: is Trey Smith now our generation’s Julian Lennon?)

*I spent at least 10 minutes trying to decide who Miranda Lambert looks like. I settled on a combination of Kristen Chenoweth and Kyra Sedgwick, but I bet you can do better.

*Hey Bob Dylan, mid-90’s Marlon Brando called and he wants his shtick back. Also, how many fingers am I holding up?

*I think it’s a good rule that whenever Jamie Foxx is introduced as “Academy Award winner” the introduction has to be underscored by “Blame It On The Alcohol”

*I heard a rumor, that I can neither confirm nor deny, that Elton John and Andre 3000 had a kid and that that kid watched Cee-Lo’s performance and thought it was a little too flamboyant.

*Holy shit…I’m not completely sure, but I think I might have just been sexually aroused by Gwyneth Paltrow. Hide your kids, hide your wives, the apocalypse is nigh.

*Now that we know that Academy Award winning actress and serious adult Nicole Kidman loves “Teenage Dream” is it okay to admit that I do too? Let’s face it, that Katy Perry really knows how to write a breast. I mean song…I meant to say song.

*If there was somewhere I could have wagered on the cutaway immediately following Katy Perry’s performance being of Russell Brand then I would have lost a lot of money.

*As I’ve always said, who better to pay tribute to Teddy Pendergrass than Lady Antebellum?

*It’s nice that the Grammys take the time to honor country music as it gives me a chance to go to the bathroom.

*Damn it! Someone announcing the winner of Song of the Year and/or Record of the Year as “The Song Otherwise Known as Forget You” was going to be one of the highlights of the year. Thanks for nothing Lady Antebellum.

*Double damn it! I swore that if I ever had to hear “Need You Now” again I would shoot myself in the face. And I like my life and all, but I can’t go back on my word. First you ruin my year, Lady Antebellum, and now you make me end my life. I hope it was worth it. On the bright side though, I’m really looking forward to an afterlife void of adult contemporary songs about drunk, horny housewives making booty calls.

*If I had to explain to an alien what the Grammys are I would simply show them the clip of John Mayer and Norah Jones presenting Song of the Year to Lady Antebellum. I’m pretty sure Neil Portnow was touching himself during that.

*I’m going to say something revolutionary here: Mick Jagger is good at performing music.

*So wait, what are the words to Solomon Burke’s “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” again?
(See, that’s the great thing about the Grammys – they give me a chance to break out some of my good Solomon Burke jokes.)

*Esperanza Spalding: A big enough star to be chosen to accompany school kids while they provide the background music for a dry lecture about the state of the music industry.
(Also: Esperanza Spalding meet Paula Cole, Paula Cole meet Esperanza Spalding)

*Fun facts: Did you know that Phillip Michael Thomas is credited with coining the term EGOT? And that shockingly Barbara Streisand does not have one?

*Lady Gaga look long and hard at Nicki Minaj and see what you have wrought. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

*I couldn’t come up with a single thing to say about the Drake/Rihanna performance and I think says it perfectly.

*An interesting “what if”: What if Rihanna had been scheduled to perform at the Grammys two years ago?

*One more thought on Arcade Fire before we get on to some silliness. I'm obviously very on record as thinking that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was the best album of 2010. But as it came out after the end of the Grammy eligibility period, it's very arguable The Suburbs was in fact the album of the year. While that’s an open debate for another time, what’s not debatable is this: The experience of feeling like a song or an album was written just for you or perfectly captures your exact life expiernce is a common one. Creating music that feels that way is the real genius of a great musician and songwriter. But as The Suburbs is literally about Win Bulter's experience growing up in the suburbs of Houston, Texas in the late 80's/early 90's I think its safe to say that more than any other piece of popular music that will ever be recorded in the history of time, The Suburbs fits that description for me. 

There has been a lot of talk today about what Arcade Fire's win means for the music industry, for the Grammys, and for the establishment. I don’t think it means a whole hell of a lot other than that there didn’t happen to be any other truly viable Album of the Year candidates nominated last night. But I know that for one shining moment, we got to see a true surprise, real shock and joy, and some great music get its rightful due. And I learned that the tangential circumstances of my youth are now officially the inspiration for award winning art.

Oscars Cable Ace Awards, here I come.

*Lastly, although the Grammys are notoriously comprehensive in their award giving there are some music categories that went unawarded last night. Categories that I care about and think about far more often than Best Rap/Sung Collaboration by a Duo or Group with Vocals. So without further ado let me make up for those oversights by awarding the first annual Freds:

Verse of the year: Eminem - "No Love"

Sure Eminem has made some pretty big missteps that have lost him a lot of his artistic credibility. And by sheer virtue of his longevity he has lost much of his cache. But when people were calling Lil Wayne the best rapper alive he still should have know better than to appear on a track with Eminem. Ask Jay-Z how that worked out for him. Recovery as a whole, while not as strong as his early work, was nevertheless a nice return to form. But I doubt in a few years much of it will be resonant or even remembered. This verse though will always remain stunningly alive and proof that when Eminem is on his game there’s still absolutely no one who can touch him. More verses like this please.

Runner Up: Nicki Minaj - "Monster"

This award could be given out to a handful of different people on MBDTF alone, but with all due respect to Pusha T and company, Nicki Minaj is in class by herself. This is Eminem's "Renegade" verse for a new generation. Only instead of doing it with her words, the genius of the verse is all in the presentation. Sure, based on available evidence nothing she will ever do in the future is likely to approach the quality of this. But that doesn’t make it any less great.

Special Citation: Ludacris - "Baby"

I realize we can’t give awards to Justin Bieber songs. But just like Andre 3000's recently leaked guest verse on Ke$ha's "Sleazy", this is way better than it has any reason to be. It's like the rich man's version of Ma$e’s verse in "Take You There". And really, comparing something to the time that Ma$e rapped about The Rugrats is one of the highest compliments I can possibly give out. So in a sentence I was almost positive I would never say: well done Ludacris.

Worst verse of the year: Snoop Dogg - "California Gurls"

I don’t know what the worst thing about this verse is. The fact that it’s so lazy that I'm not entirely sure Snoop was even awake when he wrote it. The fact that its random assortment of unrelated rhyming words could double as a parody for what old people think rap is. Or that I’m pretty sure he stole part of it from the Slap Chop commercial. Regardless, this verse makes the rest of the song seem like the work of Bob Dylan. And bear in mind that the rest of the song spells Girls with a U.

Runner Up: Jay-Z - "Empire State of Mind"

I know this isn’t technically from last year but it won two Grammys last night so I'm including it here. It’s also worth including here because I think it needs to be stressed far more often that the Emperor here isn’t wearing any clothes. I mean how hard it is to come up with three verses worth of things related to New York City? This song should have been a gimme putt for Jay-Z and yet he took out his driver and shanked it 200 yards to the right. Okay maybe free-associative is a bold artistic choice on his part for a rapping style or something, but I fail to see how Dwayne Wade, Bob Marley, and BK being from Texas have anything to do with anything. And the randomness of it all would be fine if it was any good, but how is listing different types of cabs and rhyming "though" with "though" not complete lazy bullshit.

And then there's this:

"Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,

shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can"

THAT DOESNT EVEN RHYME.

Can we all stop not calling this song on its lyrical shitiness already?

Best lyric of the year: Lil Wayne's "Real Gs move in silence like lasagna"

I'm not a big Lil Wayne fan but even I have to give it up for this one. Anytime you listen to a song just to hear one line that’s when you know the lyric is a winner.

(Even if technically "real Gs move in silence like in lasagna" would be a much better line)

Runner up: Kanye's "Too many Urkles on you team, that’s why your wins low"

Worst lyric of the year: The entirety of The Black Eyed Pea's "I Gotta Feeling"

If I told you "I Gotta Feeling" was a fake radio station promo song and not a Black Eyed Peas song you would believe me wouldn’t you? Although there's a certain genius in making a song about people about to have a good night, there’s a distinct lack of genius in listing the days of week as part of your lyrics. What’s the opposite of Mazel Tov?

Runner Up: Young Money's "call me Mr. Flintstone/I can make your bed rock"

(With a strong nod to the same song's "I'm attracted to her for her attractive ass")

Best Worst lyric of the year: Ke$ha

At this point I really hope I don’t need to tell you which one. Nor do I need to say any more about it.

Best Worst Lyric of the year indie rock division: Yeasayer's "Max Schmelling was a formidable foe”

Does it have anything remotely to do with anything? No it doesn’t. It just comes out of absolutely nowhere and sits there like a beautiful beautiful diamond. No other applicants even needed to submit this year. This race was over before it even began.

Person of the year: shorties

There were a great many people who made a great many contributions to music this year, but no one played a bigger role in the music world this year than shorties. Whether they were shawtys, shortys or just plain old shorties, they did it all this year. They were like melodies. They let people whisper in their ears. They were fire burning on the dance floor. They kept T-Pain in the ringtone. And most importantly they were eenie meenie miney moe lovas.

I can’t wait to see what they have in store for 2011.

2 or 3 Things I Know About Her: 13 Thoughts on Ke$ha

1.) When trying to sum up this year, when reflecting on “what it all meant”, when trying to find one piece of pop culture ephemera to encapsulate the state of affairs in America circa 2010 there are many directions you go could: The now forever intertwined twin towers of Taylor Swift and Kanye West. The twitter explosion. The Social Network and Mark Zuckerberg. Lady Gaga. The Old Spice guy. The undead. But to me, one figure towers above them all in their social significance. A figure who started the year as a joke, became a supernova-like force, and now is already fading into the ether from whence she came. An “artist” who was both born and killed off as a cultural force in the course of a year, not just because of their lack of talent and versatility, but because they so embodied 2010 that they could not exist outside of it. A person who twenty years from now will be lucky to be a pop cultural footnote, but who will in fact encapsulate and symbolize more of what the experience of being alive and in this country these past 12 months was like than any historian could ever hope to be able to convey. Because as is often the case with pop culture, long after the specifics and the details fade their essence remains. We may not know anything about what life was actually like in the 1920s and could name off the top of our heads only a very few of the key cultural figures of the period, but we all have an idea what it was like to be alive at that time. We can’t tell you who specifically sang its songs, but we know what they sounded like. And so it is with our age as well. Long after humanity has forgotten exactly who P. Diddy is they will still be able to relate to the essence of waking up feeling like him. And long after the name Ke$ha has ceased to haunt the nightmares of our collective unconscious, the popularity of her music on our pop charts this year will likely, more than any other cultural force that 2010 produced, best define the year that was in Pop Culture America.

2.) If nothing else, Ke$ha’s popularity this year has produced one great new term:
“Keshy” (adj.) a combination of catchy and trashy
ex: That new Pussycat Dolls song is really keshy

3.) Speaking of dumb terms, can we talk for a moment about the line “my steeze is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead”? (Strangely “steeze” is not in my spell check.)

The urban dictionary defines steeze as “a combination of style and ease; straight up easy flow and mad unique style. You either got it or you don’t.”

I’m not “urban” so I’m no steeze expert, but if I may, I’d like to elaborate a bit on my understanding of the term. As I see it steeze is a fighting back against the metro-sexual crowd and the trying-too-hard bunch. Because it’s not trying at all. It’s DIY, emphasis on the Y. It’s not engaging at all with style or trends or fashion or the culture at large. It’s our default setting when we pop out of the womb. It’s what’s inside each of us. (Provided that, you know, it is.) It’s what makes some old bed sheets a dress and adorning yourself in craft supplies “accessorizing”. And it’s the perfect term for our economically depressed, lazy, and sedentary times. And it is of course one that Ke$ha pulls off with great élan.

So please don’t make her be too interested in real meaningful human connection with you because then she might have to try.

And that sounds exhausting.

4.) Is Ke$ha the most authentic pop star of all time? Although she lives in a corner of the music industry built almost entirely on artifice, there’s seemingly nothing fake or contrived about Ke$ha. Sure the dumb, trashy, party girl thing is a marketing hook, but it also appears to be completely genuine. From everything I’ve ever read or heard or seen (yes, I did do research for this) Ke$ha the person is really what she seems, or at least pretty close to it. Sure she wasnt born with glitter on her face, but I feel pretty confident that she would be wearing it whether she was a pop star or not. She may be selling a specific image and lifestyle, but it is, from all appearances, the lifestyle she really lives. The Rolling Stones could trash a hotel room, sleep with groupies, get hammered every night, and then let their music reflect that, but name a modern mainstream pop star who could do the same, especially a female one. Madonna perhaps, but she was always chasing trends, trying to stay relevant, constantly reinventing herself. I’d be shocked though if Ke$ha ever reinvents herself. Because she never invented herself in the first place. She just was who she was and that person happened to be something the zeitgeist could embrace. And when the zeitgeist moves on, as it almost by definition always does, I feel pretty sure that Ke$ha wont chase it. She’s just gonna keep doing what it is she does audience or market trends be damned. She’s not going to be doing MTV Unplugged (if that was still a thing) or making an art rock album with Grizzly Bear. She’s just gonna keep making overly dumb dance music about partying and boys and having fun. And if that’s not what people in the future want to listen to in their flying cars with their robot maids, then fuck it.

Ke$ha’s success may be an accident, a coincidence, a case of right person right place right time, but it's hard to say it isn’t founded on something real. And is that in its own way a breakthrough? A step forward? Is Ke$ha a trailblazer? Is she deserving of respect? It’s a moralish conundrum. But at least it’s a real one.

5.) Ke$ha may not win a lot of awards for her contributions to music this year. And by “a lot” I mean “any”. But in the greatest year ever for so-bad-they’re-good lyrics nothing even came close to “don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat / just show me where your dicks at”. I mean we’re dealing with a year where “I get ten thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs” isn’t even cracking my top ten. And yet that Ke$ha lyric is so head and shoulders “above” anything else that I’m almost tempted to say that nothing in history is ever going to be able to top it. Although lord knows Will.I.Am is trying.

6.) While we’re talking about dumb lyrics, has anything ever made less sense than “kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger”? Even in his younger sexual prime I don’t think anyone was really that into Mick Jagger for his physical appearance. He was a supremely confident and charismatic rock front man who oozed sex, carnal energy, and aggression, sure. But I don’t think the particulars of his physical appearance were exactly what he was most known for. Still, even if in theory he was a major looker back in the day, he’s now 70 years old. If a guy who looked EXACTLY like present day Mick Jagger approached Ke$ha at a bar and offered to buy her a drink I can almost guarantee you she would laugh in his face and/or be more than a little creeped out. When people say that leather is out I’m assuming they don’t just mean for clothing, but for skin as well. Maybe I’m missing something and hooking up with anorexic looking 67-year-old men with faces that look like they’re melting is all the rage, but I’m pretty sure that “we kick ‘em to the curb if they look anything even remotely like Mick Jagger” would be WAY more apt.

7.) Some people worry that Ke$ha will make young people think it’s cool to party all the time and drink and take drugs. Some people worry about the implications her popularity has on the future of intelligence and education and enlightened discourse. Some people worry that kids are going to start thinking its acceptable to walk around dressed in torn up garbage bags. Those might all be valid concerns, but me, I mostly just worry about her bad influence on our kids’ dental hygiene. I mean brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack is not only unhealthy but outright dangerous. And if we don’t fight back against Ke$ha’s message, pretty soon we’re going to be faced with an entire generation of people with some pretty serious gum disease.

8.) The thoroughly bland and uneventful Rolling Stone profile of Ke$ha from a few months back (which I can’t link to because Rolling Stone still operates as though it’s 1972) posits that she is always making edgy and controversial comments, giving as an example her statement: “I like wiener”. Which indeed is very cutting edge and shocking. To a fifth grader. And that’s the thing - our standards for what we find outrageous and edgy have fallen to such a degree that bad fashion sense and studied stupidity now qualify as “edge”.

We used to fight things in this country. The system. The man. The safe, the plastic, and the status quo. We had real outrage and real sense of purpose. Thirty years ago someone like Ke$ha would have had place in the music scene. She could have been a punk. Her lack of polish and “talent” would have been an active choice and a statement. A statement against “the way things are”. It would have made us think and question our values and see the world in a new way. But as pop culture has ostensibly “loosened”, what with our sex and violence and foul language more omnipresent on the TV and what not, things in the actual day-to-day culture of life have actually grown more safe and provincial. Hell, even a decade ago there were people on MTV like Marilyn Manson who played with ideas of gender identity subversion and nihilism. Who would have thought I would ever be yearning for the days when nihilism was seen as an activist worldview? But I do, because even Marilyn Manson could never exist in anywhere close to the mainstream today, let alone The Sex Pistols. Now “I like wiener” is edgy and outré and punk bands have musicals on Broadway. And so instead of fearing that musicians are going to destroy our culture, topple our government, and forever change our safe placid way of life, now the only outrage they generate is “ugh, her music is stupid and she dresses tackily” or “man, he seems really egotistical and says crazy things on twitter”. And that seems to be enough for us. Is this the depths to which modernity has sunk us? Has the perpetual outrage machine really worn us down to this? No wonder the war in Afghanistan drags on with no end in sight…

9.) If in Europe Ke$ha’s name is not instead K€sha then that might be the greatest missed opportunity in branding history.

10.) I don’t know that Ke$ha’s love is my drug, but I’m pretty sure that it’s my syphilis.

11.) What’s with people keeping their best songs until their later singles? First, “Paparazzi” was the fourth single released from The Fame, and then “Your Love is my Drug” was held out until after “TiK ToK” and “Blah Blah Blah” had been released as singles off of Animal even though its CLEARLY her best song. And I’m using pretty much every word in that last sentence very loosely.

12.) If it’s true that every generation gets the artists it deserves then we truly have earned Ke$ha. She doesn’t write her own music, play any instruments, or even sing. And in our era of famous-for-being-famous celebutants, it’s fitting that arguably the biggest pop star of the moment is a singer who doesn’t sing. An artist who adds almost nothing to her art. A “talent” with no real discernable talents. She is exactly the pop star America deserves. She is our Warholian Age of Fame worldview sprung to life. She is what we think about when we don’t think at all. She is the us that has trouble sitting through YouTube videos because they’re too long, considers twitter heavy reading, and zones out every night in front of reality TV. She is us as we spend considerably more time reading celebrity gossip blogs than we do reading about the relief efforts in Haiti. Ke$ha is the vapid id to our Lady Gaga super-ego. She is who we R.

She is our steez.

13.) I like your beard.

Gaga for GaGa : A Beyonce Manifesto

I’ll admit it. I’ve never been more wrong about anything than I was about Lady Gaga. Much like when I tried to guess the end of Titanic (hey how was I to know the boat was going to sink) the statement “Lady Gaga is a one-hit wonder if I have ever heard one” has become a constant source of ridicule and embarrassment. How was I supposed to know that a song about being so drunk you don’t even know what club you're at, was in fact the anthem for our times? How could I have known that a "dance music" artist would be the person to capture the zeitgeist? And what on earth would have led me to believe that some ridiculously costumed person with a stupid name would be the best thing to happen to mainstream music since Kurt Cobain? (I feel like that’s not even remotely true, but I like the sound of it so just go with me here)

Before we go any further I should say that I am fully aware that writing about Lady Gaga at this late date is very passé, but it has come to my attention several times recently that there are still people who don’t know that it’s okay to fully and unapologetically embrace her. So let me set the record straight: Lady Gaga is not a guilty pleasure, she’s just a pleasure. We all love her. All of us. It’s a thing. Not since we all decided that it was okay to like Justin Timberlake has someone so united the masses. Young and old, Brooklyn hipsters and Midwest housewives, black and white, Ga and ga, we all love us some Lady G. And if there’s anything I’m into in pop culture it’s consensus. So you know I’m down with anything as universally embraced as Lady Gaga. But what exactly is everyone embracing?

Well, they are embracing, pretty much, a performance artist in pop star clothing. Because although the music is great, it’s almost secondary to the Gaga experience. What did she wear, what did she do, what did she say? This is what we talk about when we talk about Gaga.

They are also embracing decadence and sexuality that’s a little risqué. A female artist with something to say. An individual, a provocateur, and, dare I say, an iconoclast. More than just an evolutionary Madonna, Gaga is a pop star for our times. And maybe even more than Obama, that says something very good about our times.

Because times were that the bland and the test-marketed and carefully controlled and micromanaged were popular. Last time there was a pop music explosion at the turn of a decade it was led by boy bands and Britney Spears. And when someone like Christina Aguilera tried to take control of their career back from their handlers they were branded as a dirty slut worthy of derision. Acts of personal individual expression were to be worn like a scarlet A on your barely-there shirt.

No, we wanted pretty people doing pretty things that were completely safe and unthreatening. We wanted prepackaged, prefab pop stars that didn’t challenge us in any way.

We wanted Beyonce.

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As many words I have typed over the years about Beyonce I have never really laid out in explicit terms why she bothers me so much, other than a generalized “she sucks and I hate her”. But now I don’t have to. Lady Gaga can make my case for me. Because she is, in every way, the anti-Beyonce. And this year’s Grammys highlighted why.

Beyonce tried her hardest to appear edgy and dramatic, but in the end it came off as calculated and disconnected, just like everything else about her. Since she burst onto the scene Beyonce has tried to remain as bland and neutral about everything as possible. She never says or does anything controversial or noteworthy because she doesn’t want to alienate anyone. Not only because doing so might hurt her record sales and her “brand”, but because then she would no longer be a bland cipher onto whom we can project whatever we want to see or whatever we want her to be. Do we want to see her as a regal princess who can serenade the President on election night or sing at the Oscars? Do we want her to be a woman scorned who can take out her anger on her trifling man in “Ring the Alarm”? Do we want her to be a bootylicious (yet classy) sex object? She can be all of those things because by remaining as bland as possible you can project onto her whatever you want to see. It’s all a brilliant strategic calculation by handlers, albeit one that ultimately rings false since this calculation is never acknowledged. But because Lady Gaga admits up front that she’s calculating and contrived it comes off as authentic. Because she calculates and contrives it all herself. She is true to who she is and so it rings true even if it’s all “false”. But because there is no real Beyonce, or at least one that any of us can perceive, she can’t come off as authentic. It’s why she’s a terrible actress. She doesn’t know how to be a real person, so she can only play at being a real person. “Oh I bet this will make me seem edgy.” “This will give people a sense of empowerment.” “I can play at ‘strength’ here.” But Gaga doesn’t give a fuck what people think. She only cares about what she thinks. Because she has thoughts and a vision and has done it all herself. It hasn’t been her Dad’s vision, or her handlers’ vision or the vision of her songwriters. No one has to go out of their way to explain that “this is all Beyonce’s vision” or give Barbara Walters interviews where they talk about how they are “doing it all themselves now”. That’s just self-evident with Gaga. She didn’t come from the female equivalent of a boy band. She wasn’t driven to be a success at a young age by a father who put her through a pop star boot camp. She came from years of performing in small clubs and in the downtown music scene despite opposition from her parents. She hasn’t gotten anywhere on her looks; in fact she’s willfully obscured them. I still don’t know for sure exact what she looks like. And she’s most certainly not a bland cipher onto which we can project whatever we want to see. She is a very specific vision on which we can see only her, nothing of ourselves. Except in our embrace of her. And in that we can see that we are weirder than we let on.

Are we fully ready to accept that though? Lady Gaga’s success is encouraging, but Beyonce is certainly still around. Even if she herself is feeling somewhat divided. Her sister is performing with Of Montreal and recording Dirty Projectors covers while her husband is increasingly willing to shill for any organization that will have him. So in a sense Beyonce’s world reflects the world at large. Which side will prevail? What is truly in store for the next generation of pop music? What message are we ready to accept?

Beyonce says, if you like me at all then you should have given me a ring symbolizing your lifelong devotion and commitment. Lady Gaga says, I’m drunk and dancing in this club so leave me alone; I’ll ride your disco stick when I feel like it okay? Lady Gaga obliquely references Hitchcock for no apparent reason; Beyonce explicitly references Charlie's Angels for purely commercial reasons. Beyonce is a “Survivor”; Lady Gaga hopes you can survive her. Lady Gaga wears a dress made of Kermit the Frogs, Beyonce wears a dress made by her mom. Lady Gaga will bleed on stage; Beyonce wouldn’t want the blood to get on her dress. Lady Gaga plays many of her own instruments; Beyonce can barely even write her own songs. Beyonce will advertise for literally anything; Lady Gaga will…well she probably would too. But she would, you know, like do it ironically or something.

Even though they may have recorded songs together, their missions and statements (and mission statements) couldn’t be more different. So it was fitting that their two albums were the two top contenders for Album of the Year at the Grammys. It gave us a chance to consider the two of them head to head and side by side. And to ask ourselves as a people once and for all - in the battle for good and evil, the battle for the soul of a nation and the top of the charts, who do we choose? Who wins? Who wears the crown as the voice of the new millennium, the new era, the new age in pop music? There’s only one answer, even though it may be two words. And those two words are of course: Taylor. Swift.

Thoughts on The Grammys

What has the world come to where I’m passionately rooting for Taylor Swift to win Album of the Year if for no other reason than to keep Beyonce from winning it? Is this a world where the only thing that keeps I Am Sasha Fierce from winning Album of the Year (yes the whole year) is a mainstream country music album written and performed by a teenager who can’t sing? Apparently it is. No offense to Taylor Swift, but is this really where we’re at as a people? Look, I realize the Grammys exist in some sort of strange alternate dimension, but even by their own ridiculous standards this year’s awards were laughably absurd. And worst of all, like the show itself, they weren’t even outrageously terrible enough to get outraged about. Usually I can count on something so egregious happening that I can get a whole half-page rant going the next day. And then I'll inevitably remember that the Grammys are completely invalid and irrelevant and that I’m the only person under the age of 50 who gives a fuck. But this year all the nominees were so completely mediocre that as long as I Am Sasha Fierce didn’t win Album of the Year I could literally not have cared less about what happened. And so, sure enough, right up until the last minute the one and only ridiculous thing the Grammys could do that would piss me off looked like it would actually happen. Somehow it didn’t, but the downside of that was that it meant that the proceedings were so thoroughly uninspiring that I barely had enough material to write a whole post. Even when the awards themselves blow the performances are usually compelling. Not so this year. But I knew the world would be outraged (outraged!) if I didn’t write something about an event that absolutely no one else cared about or watched. You would never forgive me. So I do this all for you....

Highlight: Pink
(Look, I think Pink should get more respect. I like what she's about. I’m a fan. But when Pink is the highlight of your awards show you might have a problem)

Lowlight: As always, Beyonce
(Or as I texted my friend: That might be my least favorite thing I’ve ever experienced in the history of my life)

Meh: Everything else
Okay, I guess I'll go more in-depth than that....

*Dear Lady Gaga and Elton John,
I have no idea what the fuck any of that was.
And I mean that in absolutely the best way possible.

*So what do the other two Black Eyed Peas do exactly? They don’t play instruments or sing and far as I can tell. What’s left?

*"Welcome to the future?" Really, Will.I.Am? So in the future people dance around on a stage unimaginatively singing their hit song at an awards show? Wow the future is CRRRRAAAZZZY.

*Very VERY high on the list of things I thought I’d never say: “Well done Jamie Foxx”

*And in an all-time great upset…Michael Jackson’s kids seem normal! How did this happen??

(Also, I’m pretty sure the Grammys just made up an award so they would have something to give Michael
Jackson. I think the name of the award was, no joke, something to the effect of The Michael Jackson Lifetime Achievement Award. Michael Jackson won the Michael Jackson Award? I did not see that one coming.)

*Man, that Quentin Tarantino is so understated. What a wallflower.

*Someone explain Drake to me. What’s next, Kenan & Kel becoming a respected rap duo who are taken seriously by the hip-hop community? Why is no one calling bullshit on this? Somewhere Tupac is rolling over in his theoretical grave. And by “somewhere” I mean “his house”.

*Continuing my regular uncalled for and unwarranted attacks on Stephen Colbert, he did a really weak job. Jon Stewart can host the Oscars and Colbert can’t even handle a few minutes of jokes at the Grammys. Check and mate my friend. (Stewart 4 Life!)

*In terms of things I look forward to every year, Neil Portnow at the Grammys is the exact opposite of Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes.

*YES! Bon Jovi gets to play not 1, not 2, but 3 songs. I can’t…wait?

*Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dates a woman who looks either great or hideous depending on the light? That woman was Katy Perry.

*I think my favorite part of the Dave Matthews performance was when he invited the kitchen sink up on stage.

*Man I really miss Kanye. It’s just not the Grammys without him. If he had appeared out of nowhere to storm the stage as Taylor Swift was accepting Album of the Year it would have definitely been the greatest moment in television history. It would have made the moon landing look like the 2005 NBA Finals.
Alas.

*Lastly: Maybe my high school experience was different than yours, so I could be way off base here, but in what high school is a statuesque blond with model good-looks who writes and performs her own music considered an undesirable dork? I mean who is this cheerleader that her friend prefers to her? Megan Fox? Is this the most attractive high school class in recorded history? I just don’t buy for a second that there’s some teenage boy who says to Taylor Swift, “you know, I know that we have similar taste in humor and music and that you’re really into me and all, but I’m sorry I’m just not attracted to you, what with your T-shirt and sneaker wearing and all.” Who is this boy? Teenage George Clooney? It’s all utterly implausible.“You Belong With Me” is to Taylor Swift what “Bad” is to Michael Jackson. And no one can tell me different.