Grammys 2016

Yes, the Grammys are a dumb pointless out-of-touch awards show, but they're also a fantastic night for televised live music performances. It's always my favorite TV watching night of the year, and this year was no exception. So who cares who won or lost, let's run through what really matters - each of the performances in order:

Taylor Swift

You know what’s NOT out of the woods? Taylor Swift’s singing ability. But at least she was able to come up with a great concept for the performance - singing "Out of the Woods" while literally emerging from a darkened area full of trees. I mean, where does she come up with this stuff???

Well, the good thing about being Taylor Swift at The Grammys is you know there's always next year.

Sam Hunt & Carrie Underwood

Close your eyes and imagine how a person named Sam Hunt would dress for their Grammy performance. Now open them - you were exactly right!

Speaking of appearances, interesting to see that country music dealt with losing Taylor Swift by making Carrie Underwood look just like her. “Maybe no one will notice it's a different person!”

Anyway, totally unmemorable performance by Country Music Ken and Barbie.

The Weeknd

You know who would absolutely hate The Weeknd’s 2016 Grammy performance? 2012 The Weeknd.

Before performing a serious stripped down ballad at the Grammys, it's always important to ask yourself “Am I Adele?” If the answer is no then do something else. In The Weeknd’s case maybe try doing one of the songs that got you here and represent what you do best. Or, ya know, the exact opposite of that.

Andrea Day & Ellie Goulding

“Hey, I know, let’s follow a guy standing around singing an unmemorable ballad in an unmemorable way with two women doing the exact same thing! That’ll be a real Grammy Moment!”

I fell asleep at some point so I missed the exact name of that song, but I’m pretty sure it was called “Polite Applause”.

Lionel Ritchie tribute

Wow an overly-long, bland, inoffensive Lionel Ritchie tribute - or as it's known on CBS, Monday night.

A few other thoughts:

-If the Grammys aesthetic could be distilled down to a single person, that person would be John Legend.

-Holy shit, Demi Lovato isn't Vanessa Hudgens! Who knew?

-Luke Bryan honoring Lionel Ritchie is one of those ideas that sounds ridiculous in theory, but is also ridiculous in practice.

-They would have let Luke Bryan sing longer but they didn't want his cruise ship to leave without him.

Little Big Town

"Hey look, country music can be just as boring as stuffy as “real” music!"

Everything you need to know about country music is that there's a big division in the industry between people who think "Girl Crush" is controversial and people who think it's clever, when in fact it's not remotely either. I do however like Little Big Town’s follow-up single, “He Gets It In The Butt” about the dangers of cigarette smoking.

The Eagles

Wait, which one of these people died again? Jackson Browne?

Nice performance by wax sculpture versions of the Eagles, but maybe next time program them to take it little less easy. Pretty sure they took that “I’m standing on a corner in Winslow Arizona” line a bit too literally this time. But it did wind up being a great PSA for prescription sleep-aid abuse. So that's nice.

Tori Kelly & James Bay

“Shhh, we don’t want to wake up The Eagles…”

Hamilton

HAMILTON HAMILTON HAMILTON! IN CASE OF HAMILTON PLEASE BREAK GLASS!!! 

YES THE SONG WAS SLOWED DOWN TOO MUCH, AND YES EVERYONE LOOKED SLIGHTLY NERVOUS, AND YES “MY SHOT” AND “SCHUYLER SISTERS” ARE BETTER AWARDS SHOW SONGS BUT THEY’RE SAVING THEM FOR THE TONYS, BUT WHO CARES, HOLY SHIT IT’S HAMILTON!

As a theater person through and through I never thought I would see the day that a pop music awards show would be desperate to steal some of musical theater’s mojo, yet here we are. It’s a real shame the cast recording wasn't nominated for Album of the Year, but still, Lin-Miranda got contemporary musical theater onto the Grammy telecast. How lucky were are to be alive right now. 

And now, in the immortal words of The Beastie Boys, no sleep til The Tony Awards.

Kendrick Lamar

THAT is why I tune into this ridiculous award show every year. Because every once in awhile something singular and visionary and incredible like that will slip through the cracks. And when it does, it feels like magic. It feels like an event. Like one of those “Moments” that the Grammys are so obsessed with talking about. But the lesson here is, as always, instead of trying to force a big Moment or manufacture them by committee, you just have to give an incredible artist with something to say the resources and space to execute their vision, and then get out of the way.

No one loves Kanye West more than me, but I really hope he was watching Kendrick because he could really learn something from that performance. We all could. The rest of the Grammys was entertainment; Kendrick made art.

Adele

There’s apparently no truth to the rumor that Taylor Swift was in charge of the audio for Adele’s performance. But even with all the sound issues, it's amazing that Adele was able to take the exact thing that has been so boring all night - people standing motionless singing overly-serious stripped-down ballads - and make it utterly captivating. 

Also, do you think Adele already has her 2017 speech ready? If I were her I would just keep some spare acceptance speeches in my purse at all times - never know when you might need one. 

Justin Bieber

I think I kinda…really liked that? Making a song overly serious and epic at the Grammys actually really worked for once. Is Jack U the new U2? Is Justin Bieber our new Bono? What world is this?

David Bowie tribute

Great performance by David Bowie’s Wikipedia Page!

On the one hand, if the Grammys had just said “Ladies and Gentlemen: Lady Gaga” and stopped right there, that would have been the best David Bowie tribute they could have possibly done. But on the other hand, at least they can now be sure that David Bowie is actually dead, because if he wasn't before, that tribute definitely killed him.

BB King tribute

Now THAT is how you pay tribute to someone. I want to buy music from every single person involved in that. 

Chris Stapleton paying tribute to BB King is one of those ideas that sounds ridiculous in theory, but is actually awesome in practice. And man, Bonnie Raitt, that was some Melissa Etheridge/Janis Joplin-tribute level shit right there. 

Well done all around!

Alabama Shakes

Man, Brittany Howard, that was some Melissa Etheridge/Janis Joplin-tribute level shit right there!

Excited that in Alabama Shakes, The Grammys have finally found their new Foo Fighters. I would listen to Brittany Howard sing literally anything.

Hollywood Vampires

“It’s music’s biggest night! We’re here to honor the very best in music! Now here’s a performance by Johnny Depp’s vanity band!”

That was offensive to me, but for absolutely none off the reasons The Hollywood Vampires wanted it to be. I mean I know Alice Cooper wanted some stage time to work on his Johnny Depp impression, but it would have been so much easier for them to just crash two small trains together and get it over with.

Pitbull

I have a lot of questions including: What? Why? Who? and How?

Remember the year that Arcade Fire won Album of the Year and then celebrated by playing another song to close the show? Serious question: why does that not happen every year? Just tell the five nominees to have a second song ready to go in case they win and then that song would close the show every year. It would be a cool tradition, and keep viewers tuned in til the very end. It's a perfect idea, which means instead, Pitbull will close the show every year form here on out. Which leads me to close this with the official motto of the Grammys: “Ugh”

The Importance of Kanye West

(all quotes taken from Pitchfork’s oral history of the Yeezus sessions)

Noah Goldstein: I really like the fact that people are loving this album or they're like, "This is trash!" I don't really like up-the-middle music, because where's the opinion in that? I'd rather have people hate it than be in the middle

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It’s been almost two weeks now since I first heard Yeezus and I still don’t quite know what I think of it. I still can’t decide if it’s Dylan going electric or Dylan converting to Christianity. If it’s a masterpiece or disappointing. If it excites me or if it makes me sad. I’m almost positive I love it. But I’m still not sure I like it. And only Kanye could provoke that reaction.

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Noah Goldstein: "On Sight" sets a new bar. Nobody's doing that. There's no chance in hell that anybody's gonna put that on and be like, "Oh, that's J. Cole"-- not to diss J. Cole. But there's only one person who can do that kind of shit.

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Yeezus really says it all with its first track: “On Sight”. The moment that best defines the album comes halfway through the song when Kanye asks “How much do I not give a fuck / lemme show you right now before you give it up” then the song completely stops and launches into an extended sample of a completely different song, "He'll Give Us What We Really Need". That’s not something you do if you remotely give a fuck. But as Kanye just said, he clearly doesn’t. And really the whole song itself is a middle finger to giving a fuck, to melody, to convention, to hit singles, to music. It doesn’t ease you into the album, it assaults you. It’s almost literally Kanye shooting lasers at you. It's robots having sex in an abandoned warehouse just before the world ends. It’s not only not commercial, it’s actively anti-commercial. It's Kanye taking known hit-makers and pushing them to their furthest artistic extremes. “On Sight” is what Daft Punk wishes they were bold enough to sound like on Daft Punk records. “On Sight” is new. It’s like nothing Kanye has ever done before. It’s like nothing you were ever expecting him to do. After “On Sight” literally anything is possible. All options are now in play. “On Sight” is scary and daring and innovative. It’s challenging and original and in your face. I can’t stop thinking about it. 

I also don’t particularly like “On Sight”. And it’s definitely my least favorite song on the album.

Only Kanye could provoke that reaction.

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Travi$ Scott: You gotta be really dialed in to understand something like "On Sight".

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In a world where every person in a position of power’s sole obsession seems to be holding onto that power or expanding it, in music, a few times a generation, we get people who have so much power that they seem to only be interested in what they can do with it. They don’t care about staying popular as much as they care about staying relevant, and that's a huge difference. One is about success, the other is about achievement.

Jay-Z released the promo video for his new album recently and the buzz was about all the big names in the studio with him. The clip shows off that he is working with well-known producers, that he is trying to give us more of what we like, more of what has worked in the past, from reliable established brand names. With Yeezus on the other hand, Kanye has given us things we weren’t even aware existed. He's created a well curated trip through the edges of the underground. But it doesn't stop there. Kanye found new things, sure, but he took it a step further by reshaping what he found in his own image. He breathed life into clay. He made woman out of a rib. He IS a God. But a God who possibly hates us. A God who is (often literally) yelling at us to leave him alone. A God who would kill off his whole audience if it meant he could make purer art. He's like an underground indie band selling out, only completely the opposite. But paradoxically, chasing less popularity is making music fans love him more.

Only Kanye could provoke that reaction. 

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Hudson Mohawke: A lot of the record is trying to avoid obviousness. Through the entire process of putting it together, there were tons of easy slam dunks, but rather than just going for the hits and having an album that nobody's going to give a fuck about in a month or two, he intentionally sidestepped the obvious route each time. I think that's what going to give it more longevity and put it in a category of records that you'll go back to in 10 years time.

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Nearly everyone now agrees that Kid A is a masterpiece, but Kanye makes his version of Kid A and people complain that it doesn’t contain any singles or songs you can dance to or play at your parties. Which says a lot about where hip hop is at, and where Kanye is trying to take it. After all 808’s & Heartbreak was considered similarly difficult and uncommercial, yet it almost directly gave rise to Drake, one of the most popular and commercial rappers working today. Things often seem difficult and new, until they don’t. Yeezus leaked on a Friday and sounded completely inaccessible. By that Saturday "Black Skinheads" was soundtracking a Martin Scorsese trailer. By this week I’m sure it’s being played in clubs. And maybe it's Stockholm Sydrome, but after listening to it non-stop for two weeks Yeezus doesn't even sound that "out there" to me anymore. It sounds normal now. And that's because Kanye just changed the sound of music. He just created the future out of whole cloth. Maybe he is the new Steve Jobs after all.

So love Yeezus or hate it, it has officially declared that hip-hop is art now (just in case there was someone out there who didn't think it was already) and that there's no turning back. Now making interesting music is way cooler than making music that sells. Releasing a super commercial album geared for maximum radio play is now passé. The game changed overnight. Jay-Z’s new album is already dated and it’s not even out yet. Hell, Kanye just made his own entire back catalogue seem dated. His last solo album featured a Chris Rock comedy skit and a significant amount of Rick Ross.  Now I can’t imagine Rick Ross even LISTENING to Kanye's album let alone having anything to do with it. And it seems completely implausible that the man responsible for "Send It Up" could have ever released a song produced by Chris Martin.

I fear that Kanye is tearing music apart, and I simultaneously celebrate that he's making it stronger.
Only Kanye could provoke that reaction.

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Hudson Mohawke: It takes him out of the realm of so many other mainstream rap artists who only focus on the bragging side of things; you don't necessarily feel like you have any personal connection with a lot of those artists, whereas Kanye puts so much of his own personality into his music.

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Yeezus isn’t just Kid A though; it’s In Utero, it’s The Marshall Mathers LP, it’s Plastic Ono Band, and it's Rumours. It's music that actually sounds better the more you know about it. It's music that only the Kanyes of the world can give us. Because it's art that has context. If Yeezus had been released by, say, Wiz Khalifa, not only does no one listen to it, but it has no impact and no meaning. But since it comes from Kanye, not only will everyone who is serious about music at least hear it and think about it and give it a chance, but its songs and themes and sounds are all richer and more meaningful because of the way they build off of and respond to Kanye's past work and his life.
Does "Blood on the Leaves" sound the same without "Gold Digger" and Kim Kardashian and a lifetime of soul music samples? Is "Bound 2" resonant without The College Dropout? Does "I Am A God" mean as much with "Jesus Walks"? Does Yeezus even exist if Kanye's mother had never died?

After hearing Yeezus so many people have asked where Kanye goes from here. And thats a great question. But ultimately there's nowhere to go if you haven't come from anywhere.

I may not love Yeezus. I may very well never listen to it again after this week. But I love that I had to listen to it. And that its an absolutely essential part of the musical journey of a lifetime. I may not always like the ride, but I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Only Kanye could provoke that reaction.

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Justin Vernon: There's no pedestrian fuckery on this album. People are working their asses off to make the best shit, and Kanye's leading the pack.

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A wise man once said "theres leaders and theres followers / but I'd rather be a dick than a swallower". It's a ridiculous line of course. But it's profound in its own way. Better to be an asshole, difficult, unlikable, and less popular, if it means leading the culture in new directions rather than allowing it to be jammed down your throat. (That metaphor got a little ridiculous there at the end as well.)

Leaders lead, but every once in awhile someone comes along who creates new trails, not knowing if anyone else will ever follow along behind them. It's an essential job, but it's a hard choice to make. It's a hard life to live. You know who can do it though?

Only Kanye.

Teenage Dream: The Majestic Mystery of Kathryn Hudson

As summer slowly starts its fade into fall, as the leaves begin to think about changing, as the sun fades, and the joy and lightness of summer inexorably give way to the depth and chill of winter one thing still remains, and will, apparently, always remain.
Seasons come and go; Katy Perry is forever.

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If anyone ever seemed like a one-hit wonder waiting to happen it was Katy Perry. When “I Kissed A Girl” first appeared in summer of ’08 I would have bet my life savings on that being the only song we ever heard from the bland cipher with the bland name singing  it. But here we are two years later, two years which by the way saw only a handful of weeks without a Katy Perry single in the top 10, and there appears to be no stopping the somewhat majestic mystery that is Kathryn Hudson. Majestic because she just last week tied the King of Pop by having five singles from the same album hit #1. And a mystery because, how? And why? And who? No , seriously, who is she? And who are her fans? Has anyone ever in history said – “Yes, a Katy Perry concert!!”? And if so, who? And why? I mean what is there to attach yourself to as a fan? Even Britney Spears at 17 had more of a persona and personal story than Katy Perry. So how in the age of individualism and personal expression did the non-descript sexpot win out? How in the era of over-sharing is, statistically speaking, the biggest pop star in the country someone we know almost nothing about? And WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT KATY PERRY??? And why aren’t we talking about her more? And, really, did we ever start?

Now that’s a lot of questions I know. More questions than anyone has likely ever asked about Katy Perry. But considering her latest album just achieved the distinction of having more #1 hits than Thriller and Rumours COMBINED, maybe we should start asking some questions. Like, for example, who the hell does she think she is taking over out pop charts like that?

Well since she’s not here to answer for herself, and since her answer likely wouldn’t be that interesting anyway (because nothing she says ever is), allow me to answer for her. Because I think I know who Katy Perry is: she’s a teenage dream.

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Here is the complete list of things most people might even potentially know about the biggest selling and, technically, most popular pop star alive: she was raised in an incredibly sheltered environment by religious nut-job parents; she started her music career as a Christian act; she’s married to Russell Brand; she possibly had a brief dalliance with Elmo; and she has very, shall we say, supple bosoms. Oh, and her music is catchy as shit. I mean "Teenage Dream" makes "Party in the USA" sound like Wilco's "Less Than You Think" And that’s not even her biggest hit. But should the catchiness of her music make the complete lack of anything particularly interesting or noteworthy about her totally irrelevant? After all music is never just about the music. Especially pop music.

So what exactly is Katy Perry selling?

Well, her attractiveness for one. According to a possibly apocryphal story Ms. Perry (allegedly) first got together with Russell Brand by sending him a cell phone picture of her breasts after the VMAs. Which, if true, is I guess her way of acknowledging that she is well aware where her bread is buttered.

(Also, move over Jane Mansfield’s boobs, Dolly Parton’s boobs, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs, and Scarlett Johansson’s boobs – there’s a new contender for Most Successful Boobs of All Time)

But there’s gotta be more to it than just being a more well endowed Zooey Deschanel with a better ear for pop hooks. After all there there are a million catchy songs on the pop charts all sung by relatively attractive people. And also Ke$ha. But what separates a huge #1 hit from a middle-of-the-road hit is that it provides us with something ephemeral to latch onto. To attach ourselves to. To reach Number One a song has to in some way tap into some collective emotion or experience, whether it’s joy or giddiness or just the acknowledgment that you too kissed a girl once, and, well, kinda liked it. This isn’t something we’re always conscious of, which is why we often find ourselves liking pop hits against our seeming better judgment. But it's always there in some form or fashion. And it's what the Svengalis of pop have spent years perfecting – the ability to make a song not just catchy but universally relatable. The Black Eyed Peas are the unquestioned masters of this, what with their massive hits about starting parties, and having good nights, and rocking that body. But Katy Perry isn’t far behind. She too has a song for almost every major human experience – young love, exploring your sexuality, accepting and embracing who you are, fucking an alien, etc.

(Can we all just take a second to acknowledge the fact that at one point in American history the #1 song in the country was about having sex with an extraterrestrial? Thanks.)

But where The Black Eyed Peas’ songs are laughably broad and general, Katy Perry has been able to make songs that while equally broad are yet also somehow specific. And more importantly personally relatable. See Katy Perry isn’t pretending to be a robot or a hologram or shouting L’Chaim for no reason. She’s just a regular girl with a relatable story who likes to wear funky wigs on occasion. Her life is the new American one: the troubled upbringing, the acting out phase, the flashy quick marriage, and an adulthood full of ephemeral disposable pleasures spent trying to hang onto your youth.

So while other stars are busy selling pimped out Maybachs or dancing sacrilegious motorcycle gangs Katy Perry is selling something more familiar and relatable. She’s selling real everyday life repackaged and gussied up. She’s not trying revolutionize music; she’s just trying to do what has always worked. She’s the CBS sitcom of pop stars, only if CBS was MTV. She’s the bland, less-empowering white Beyonce. She’s the more insidious Taylor Swift. She’s not selling fantasies; she’s selling reality remade as dreams. Dreams that teenagers have. And ones that she embodies all too well.

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Perhaps it's because Katy Perry had, by all accounts, an insanely sheltered upbringing that she’s so able to tap into the mindset of a teenager. Because so often as adults we get the teenage years all wrong. They’re not poetry and art and they're not salacious spectacle. That's not what kids really want. They want Grease and Saved by the Bell and Beach Blanket Bingo. They want American Pie and Annette Funicello and Dirty Dancing. There's a reason why Awkward has worked and Skins didn’t. Because as much as teenagers might think they want to wear a meat dress, or brush their teeth with a bottle of Jack, or have an on-again off-again romance with BMX star Carey Hart, really, they respond much more to things that seem real and possible and accessible. They don’t care as much about President of the United States as they do about being Prom Queen. And they don’t want a crazy adventurous life, as much as they, deep down, just want a conventional normal one just like their friends. Which means aspiring to a simple life of fleeting shallow pleasures and no real substance. A life full of the cultural signifiers of happiness and success with nothing behind them. They don’t want a challenge or hard work or hardship. They just a good time hanging with their friends. Friends like Katy Perry who, in the immortal words of Diane Court, has "glimpsed (their) future and all I can say is...go back”. And that’s where Katy Perry differs sharply from the aforementioned Taylor Swifts and Beyonces. She never hints at growing up or facing your fears or making something of yourself. She doesn’t want you to blow off your hometown; she wants to enjoy every minute you have in it. She’s hip to the true ambitions of kids.

For (most) boys, that means getting a girl. And not just any girl - The Katy Perry Girl. One who is, like, totally super hot, but not too slutty. One who wants to have sex but who isn’t too sexually intimidating. One who likes to party and have a good time, but whom they can still take home to mom. One who won’t bog them down with all her feelings and her drama and her deep thoughts, because basically she’s just there to make them happy. A girl who wont nag them or challenge them and likes farting and sports and beer because basically they are, to quote Katy Perry’s first album title, Just One Of The Boys. Katy Perry is Smurfette (no, literally, she is). She’s the All-American Girl 2011 style.

And for (most) girls, well, Katy Perry is exactly who they are all too often taught to be. Because you can wear your cone bras ladies, but if you REALLY want to succeed in this world they better be pink and shoot white foam out of them.

And that’s why Katy Perry isn’t going anywhere. She will always be with us because we will always at some time, on some level, collectively aspire to what she represents. Like religion or fear or corporate campaign contributions she’s what keeps this engine running. Even after Kathryn Hudson is dead and gone “Katy Perry” will always live on.

She must.
Because teens always need dreams.
And we all need realities.

Things That Are Exciting at Concerts and Not Exciting in Any Other Context

Putting your hands up

Go ahead, try putting your hands up right now. Not that fun was it? Now wave them side to side. You just feel foolish don’t you? That because you’re not at a concert. If you were, then what you just did would have been the must fun thing that has ever happened. Well other than waving them like you just don’t care. That shit’s orgasmic.

Following directions

“Put your hands together”

Okay

“Get up”

Okay

“Get down”

Okay

“Go kill a hobo”

Sounds good

Being asked to sing

If I was walking down the street and you pointed a microphone in my direction and asked me to sing my reaction would best be described as abject terror. But at a concert, yes I will gladly sing a verse of any random song loudly and passionately in the direction of your outstretched microphone. And I’ll love every second of it.

Having bodily problems

“My feet hurt, I have no voice, and there’s a loud ringing in my ears. What a great night!”

Geography

Non-concert situation:

-Musician: (says out loud name of current location)

-Other people: Yes, we know where we are located. Why did you just say that out loud? Do you think we’re lost and/or idiots?

At a concert:

-Musician: (says out loud name of current location)

-Other people: HOLY SHIT!!! He just mentioned the name of the place where we are located! WOOOHOOO! That excites me!! Very much!!!!

And heaven forbid someone in the audience is from the same place as the band is. All pandemonium will break loose.

Cigarette Lighters

“Hey look, I’m holding a flaming object dangerously close to my fingers! It’s really the best way I can think of to express the beauty of this song. Isn’t it amazing?”

Hipster douchebags who are too cool to dance, scream, or generally show any emotion at all other than mild annoyance

No, actually they’re still pretty loathsome.