Here's to the Shorties: Thoughts on The Grammys and Other Things

Dear Grammys,

Okay what the hell?

You really gone and done it this time.

Everything in our relationship was going so smoothly. I was composing my annual article about your hilarious irrelevance and you were complying as usual what with completely predictable awards for Train and Herbie Hancock and Lady Antebellum. You even got up to our old irascible tricks by giving Best New Artist to Esperanza Spalding. Esperanza Spalding! Because that’s the kind of thing you do. I know that about you. It’s who you are. It’s who you’ll always be. Or so it seemed.

Now I think maybe our whole relationship has been a lie. I don’t even know who you are any more. I feel like I just found out that my wife of 20 years is gay. Because you just gave Album of the Year to Arcade Fire. Yes, that Arcade Fire.

You realize don’t you that they’re actually really hip and good and relevant, right? And that unlike, say, Outkast or Lauryn Hill that they didn’t sell a lot of records or produce an album with big hit singles? And you are aware aren’t you that not only did they have by far the best album nominated, but that it might actually be the actual best album of the year? So then what the hell are doing giving them Album of the Year? How does that make any sense?

Black is white. Up is down. Lion is lamb.

Then as the icing on the cake you didn’t even have them win their genre category? They lost Best Alternative Album to The Black Keys? Which means you didn’t think Arcade Fire had the best alternative album of the year but you DID think they had the best album of the year in all of music?

WHO ARE YOU GRAMMYS?!?!?!?

Why do you treat me this way?

Enough! 


In the words of Cee-Lo...forget you.
If only I knew how...

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Other Thoughts:
*Okay so first things first: Hatching out of an egg is great. But then…nothing? Standing around in relatively normal attire while your backup dancers perform a choreographed dance? It was so, well, (shudder) ordinary.

Look, the Gaga backlash/"Born This Way" hate are completely predictable and I certainly don’t want to be cliché and pile on, but come on Gaga. When you’re not able to back up the stunts with the music and the performances that’s where you’re going to run into trouble. So I’m interested and nervous and excited to see how these next few months play out for you. I have high hopes and more than a few doubts. But mostly I just hope that you never let Cee-Lo Green show you up again.

(While we’re on the subject of Gaga though… before we start debating whether or not “Born This Way” is stolen from Madonna, can we finally determine once and for all whether or not Ace of Base is getting residuals for “Alejandro”?)

*If scientists got together in a lab with the sole task of coming up with the most Grammy-friendly track  possible, I’m pretty sure they couldn’t do any better (worse?) than “Hey Soul Sister”. So congrats Train. Also, congrats to Pat Moynihan for being officially the whitest person to ever unironically use the term "gangsta". It’s your move Josh Groban.

*Can Janelle Monae just perform everything forever? And can her Grammy performance please, PLEASE, finally make her a huge star? Come on world, do the right thing for once.

*Justin Bieber playing a song on acoustic guitar?? What’s next, Katy Perry singing a dramatic, overwrought ballad? Oh wait….


*Okay, say what you will about Justin Bieber, but I really do think if he was just a little smarter that there’s legitimate Timberlake potential there. Unfortunately I don’t get the sense that he has the necessary mental acumen to make that transformation. But hey it’s not his fault – he’s Canadian. Everyone knows they naturally have smaller brains.

(The good thing about picking on Canadians is that the death threats are always so polite)

*What the hell – Jaden Smith is rapping/singing now? Does Child Protective Services know about this?
Speaking of which…


*Although they seem totally grounded and well adjusted, if I was a purveyor of hard drugs and/or alcohol I might nevertheless very soon look into hanging out in the vicinity of Willow and Jaden Smith. You know, just in case.

(On a related note: is Trey Smith now our generation’s Julian Lennon?)

*I spent at least 10 minutes trying to decide who Miranda Lambert looks like. I settled on a combination of Kristen Chenoweth and Kyra Sedgwick, but I bet you can do better.

*Hey Bob Dylan, mid-90’s Marlon Brando called and he wants his shtick back. Also, how many fingers am I holding up?

*I think it’s a good rule that whenever Jamie Foxx is introduced as “Academy Award winner” the introduction has to be underscored by “Blame It On The Alcohol”

*I heard a rumor, that I can neither confirm nor deny, that Elton John and Andre 3000 had a kid and that that kid watched Cee-Lo’s performance and thought it was a little too flamboyant.

*Holy shit…I’m not completely sure, but I think I might have just been sexually aroused by Gwyneth Paltrow. Hide your kids, hide your wives, the apocalypse is nigh.

*Now that we know that Academy Award winning actress and serious adult Nicole Kidman loves “Teenage Dream” is it okay to admit that I do too? Let’s face it, that Katy Perry really knows how to write a breast. I mean song…I meant to say song.

*If there was somewhere I could have wagered on the cutaway immediately following Katy Perry’s performance being of Russell Brand then I would have lost a lot of money.

*As I’ve always said, who better to pay tribute to Teddy Pendergrass than Lady Antebellum?

*It’s nice that the Grammys take the time to honor country music as it gives me a chance to go to the bathroom.

*Damn it! Someone announcing the winner of Song of the Year and/or Record of the Year as “The Song Otherwise Known as Forget You” was going to be one of the highlights of the year. Thanks for nothing Lady Antebellum.

*Double damn it! I swore that if I ever had to hear “Need You Now” again I would shoot myself in the face. And I like my life and all, but I can’t go back on my word. First you ruin my year, Lady Antebellum, and now you make me end my life. I hope it was worth it. On the bright side though, I’m really looking forward to an afterlife void of adult contemporary songs about drunk, horny housewives making booty calls.

*If I had to explain to an alien what the Grammys are I would simply show them the clip of John Mayer and Norah Jones presenting Song of the Year to Lady Antebellum. I’m pretty sure Neil Portnow was touching himself during that.

*I’m going to say something revolutionary here: Mick Jagger is good at performing music.

*So wait, what are the words to Solomon Burke’s “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” again?
(See, that’s the great thing about the Grammys – they give me a chance to break out some of my good Solomon Burke jokes.)

*Esperanza Spalding: A big enough star to be chosen to accompany school kids while they provide the background music for a dry lecture about the state of the music industry.
(Also: Esperanza Spalding meet Paula Cole, Paula Cole meet Esperanza Spalding)

*Fun facts: Did you know that Phillip Michael Thomas is credited with coining the term EGOT? And that shockingly Barbara Streisand does not have one?

*Lady Gaga look long and hard at Nicki Minaj and see what you have wrought. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

*I couldn’t come up with a single thing to say about the Drake/Rihanna performance and I think says it perfectly.

*An interesting “what if”: What if Rihanna had been scheduled to perform at the Grammys two years ago?

*One more thought on Arcade Fire before we get on to some silliness. I'm obviously very on record as thinking that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was the best album of 2010. But as it came out after the end of the Grammy eligibility period, it's very arguable The Suburbs was in fact the album of the year. While that’s an open debate for another time, what’s not debatable is this: The experience of feeling like a song or an album was written just for you or perfectly captures your exact life expiernce is a common one. Creating music that feels that way is the real genius of a great musician and songwriter. But as The Suburbs is literally about Win Bulter's experience growing up in the suburbs of Houston, Texas in the late 80's/early 90's I think its safe to say that more than any other piece of popular music that will ever be recorded in the history of time, The Suburbs fits that description for me. 

There has been a lot of talk today about what Arcade Fire's win means for the music industry, for the Grammys, and for the establishment. I don’t think it means a whole hell of a lot other than that there didn’t happen to be any other truly viable Album of the Year candidates nominated last night. But I know that for one shining moment, we got to see a true surprise, real shock and joy, and some great music get its rightful due. And I learned that the tangential circumstances of my youth are now officially the inspiration for award winning art.

Oscars Cable Ace Awards, here I come.

*Lastly, although the Grammys are notoriously comprehensive in their award giving there are some music categories that went unawarded last night. Categories that I care about and think about far more often than Best Rap/Sung Collaboration by a Duo or Group with Vocals. So without further ado let me make up for those oversights by awarding the first annual Freds:

Verse of the year: Eminem - "No Love"

Sure Eminem has made some pretty big missteps that have lost him a lot of his artistic credibility. And by sheer virtue of his longevity he has lost much of his cache. But when people were calling Lil Wayne the best rapper alive he still should have know better than to appear on a track with Eminem. Ask Jay-Z how that worked out for him. Recovery as a whole, while not as strong as his early work, was nevertheless a nice return to form. But I doubt in a few years much of it will be resonant or even remembered. This verse though will always remain stunningly alive and proof that when Eminem is on his game there’s still absolutely no one who can touch him. More verses like this please.

Runner Up: Nicki Minaj - "Monster"

This award could be given out to a handful of different people on MBDTF alone, but with all due respect to Pusha T and company, Nicki Minaj is in class by herself. This is Eminem's "Renegade" verse for a new generation. Only instead of doing it with her words, the genius of the verse is all in the presentation. Sure, based on available evidence nothing she will ever do in the future is likely to approach the quality of this. But that doesn’t make it any less great.

Special Citation: Ludacris - "Baby"

I realize we can’t give awards to Justin Bieber songs. But just like Andre 3000's recently leaked guest verse on Ke$ha's "Sleazy", this is way better than it has any reason to be. It's like the rich man's version of Ma$e’s verse in "Take You There". And really, comparing something to the time that Ma$e rapped about The Rugrats is one of the highest compliments I can possibly give out. So in a sentence I was almost positive I would never say: well done Ludacris.

Worst verse of the year: Snoop Dogg - "California Gurls"

I don’t know what the worst thing about this verse is. The fact that it’s so lazy that I'm not entirely sure Snoop was even awake when he wrote it. The fact that its random assortment of unrelated rhyming words could double as a parody for what old people think rap is. Or that I’m pretty sure he stole part of it from the Slap Chop commercial. Regardless, this verse makes the rest of the song seem like the work of Bob Dylan. And bear in mind that the rest of the song spells Girls with a U.

Runner Up: Jay-Z - "Empire State of Mind"

I know this isn’t technically from last year but it won two Grammys last night so I'm including it here. It’s also worth including here because I think it needs to be stressed far more often that the Emperor here isn’t wearing any clothes. I mean how hard it is to come up with three verses worth of things related to New York City? This song should have been a gimme putt for Jay-Z and yet he took out his driver and shanked it 200 yards to the right. Okay maybe free-associative is a bold artistic choice on his part for a rapping style or something, but I fail to see how Dwayne Wade, Bob Marley, and BK being from Texas have anything to do with anything. And the randomness of it all would be fine if it was any good, but how is listing different types of cabs and rhyming "though" with "though" not complete lazy bullshit.

And then there's this:

"Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,

shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can"

THAT DOESNT EVEN RHYME.

Can we all stop not calling this song on its lyrical shitiness already?

Best lyric of the year: Lil Wayne's "Real Gs move in silence like lasagna"

I'm not a big Lil Wayne fan but even I have to give it up for this one. Anytime you listen to a song just to hear one line that’s when you know the lyric is a winner.

(Even if technically "real Gs move in silence like in lasagna" would be a much better line)

Runner up: Kanye's "Too many Urkles on you team, that’s why your wins low"

Worst lyric of the year: The entirety of The Black Eyed Pea's "I Gotta Feeling"

If I told you "I Gotta Feeling" was a fake radio station promo song and not a Black Eyed Peas song you would believe me wouldn’t you? Although there's a certain genius in making a song about people about to have a good night, there’s a distinct lack of genius in listing the days of week as part of your lyrics. What’s the opposite of Mazel Tov?

Runner Up: Young Money's "call me Mr. Flintstone/I can make your bed rock"

(With a strong nod to the same song's "I'm attracted to her for her attractive ass")

Best Worst lyric of the year: Ke$ha

At this point I really hope I don’t need to tell you which one. Nor do I need to say any more about it.

Best Worst Lyric of the year indie rock division: Yeasayer's "Max Schmelling was a formidable foe”

Does it have anything remotely to do with anything? No it doesn’t. It just comes out of absolutely nowhere and sits there like a beautiful beautiful diamond. No other applicants even needed to submit this year. This race was over before it even began.

Person of the year: shorties

There were a great many people who made a great many contributions to music this year, but no one played a bigger role in the music world this year than shorties. Whether they were shawtys, shortys or just plain old shorties, they did it all this year. They were like melodies. They let people whisper in their ears. They were fire burning on the dance floor. They kept T-Pain in the ringtone. And most importantly they were eenie meenie miney moe lovas.

I can’t wait to see what they have in store for 2011.

The Top 20 Things of 2010

Hey remember 2010? It was full of angry people, and economic depression, and a general malaise so thick that it seemingly sucked the hope and optimism out of anything it touched. It was also a terrific year for art and culture. It was packed to the gills with great things more so than any other year in recent history. When trying to compile lists of the year’s best albums and movies and shows and moments and pieces of cultural ephemera, in almost every case, I needed way more than ten slots. In fact it might have been the best year for "best things" ever. Both in quality and quantity. So while in many ways it might have been the worst of times, it was also the, well, you know…

But the whole thing was all SO a few weeks ago so I can’t blame you if you’ve already forgotten about it. So to help you remember the very recent past I've narrowed my "best of" lists down to one master list of the very best of 2010. And I’ve tried to rank it all from there. It’s an impossible task but I’ve never been one to shy away from a challenge. So here goes nothing…


The Top 20 Things of 2010

20.) Snoop Dogg

Trying to explain to our kids that Snoop Dogg was once a respected and feared gangsta rapper for the label Death Row Records will be like when our parents try to explain to us how Burt Reynolds was once the sexiest man in the world. It’s also similar to the problem we’ll have with Ice Cube. But while Ice Cube’s transformation seems tragic, Snoop's seems amazing. And that’s because Ice Cube’s selling out has happened in a very predictable, linear, and obvious way. Snoop Dogg’s has been all over the map. Because he doesn’t just make kids movies, he also tries to rent Liechtenstein. He makes raunchy sex jams about characters on True Blood and songs for Prince William. He pays top dollar for new tracks by Swizz Beats, and yet also submits guest verses like the one on "California Gurls" that to call phoned-in would be an insult to telephonic communication. He appears on shows on CBS, but gets banned from music festivals in The Netherlands (The Netherlands!). He runs a youth football league and is featured on a song called "Kush" and gets away with doing both at the same time with nary a complaint. And those are all things that happened just in the past year alone. At this point there’s literally no story I could read about Snoop Dogg that would remotely surprise me. He’s shattered the unintentional comedy scale, only its quite possible that he’s done it all intentionally. Because all he really cares about is making money, having fun, and being famous, and all of the things he did in 2010 can all be traced directly back to those three goals. So it makes sense of course that he’s way more famous now simply pursuing those few basic things than he ever was when he has making actual art. Because his goals are now our goals. He is The American Dream. And the fact that he personifies it so well makes him an absolute national treasure.

19.) Louis C.K. on Leno

I'm going to say something controversial: I didn’t care for Louie.
To make up for that I'm going to say something completely uncontroversial: Louie C.K. is the best standup working today.

I'll always have a place in my heart for Chris Rock, but no one is spitting more truth in a more public way these days than Louie C.K. There’s any number of talk show appearances I could have posted here, but for my money this was the best one of the year. While I may greatly prefer Lucky Louie to plain old Louie, I can agree with the masses that Louie C.K. is comedy at its finest circa 2010.

18.) Emma Stone in Easy A

Christian Bale in The Fighter was the best performance of the year. This is clear and indisputable. But with apologies to Mr. Bale (along with Colin Firth, Ryan Gosling, Natalie Portman, Jeremy Renner, Sam Rockwell, Geoffrey Rush, Amy Adams, and the entire cast of The Kids Are All Right) the performance this year that more than any other made me sit up in my chair, eyes glued to the screen, and say “holy fuck who the hell is this person I am watching?” came from a deeply flawed and only mildly popular teen sex comedy. Christian Bale’s performance was revelatory, but Emma Stone herself was more revelatory than anyone this year. And if she can’t get an Oscar nod for this then The Academy might as well just issue a decree stating that comedy is not a valid genre. But ultimately it doesn’t matter, because like Tom Cruise in Risky Business or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, Emma Stone’s work in Easy A transcended the labels of "good" "bad" and "award-winning" and moved to the level of "star-making". Hell, "supernova-making". Because if the 60’s and 70’s produced anti-establishment stars, the 80’s produced beefy action heros, the 90’s produced relatable everymen and women, and the 00’s produced idiosyncratic multi-ethnic actors, then hopefully the future of the 10’s has been revealed to us – funny smart women. And Emma Stone shall lead them. I just hope she remembers that with great power comes great responsibility. Something tells me though that she wont ever be able to forget that…

17.) Janelle Monae on Letterman
Speaking of "a star is born", when Janelle Monae stepped onto The Late Show stage to perform "Tightrope" on the night of May 18th, 2010 she was practically an unknown, but by the time she was done she was the biggest star in the world.

Okay so maybe that didn’t exactly happen per se, but if that old showbiz cliché were ever to be true, it would have been this performance that would have made it so. Apparently though delivering the year’s best album (non-Kanye division) and its best live performance (non-Kanye division) isn’t enough to make someone a huge star anymore. There is no justice in the world. But you already knew that.

16.) “Neil Young” on Late Night Jimmy Fallon
At first the idea of Jimmy Fallon hosting a late night show seemed Chevy Chase-level bad. And then the show premiered and it seemed like lasting six months would be a great accomplishment. Now, it’s not unreasonable to think that one day we'll be viewing this "Neil Young" video the way our parents viewed that clip of Ed Ames hitting the outline of a man’s crotch with his tomahawk on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. Because for all the Conan fever, no late night host owned the internet more in 2010 than Jimmy Fallon. And sure, David Letterman may not be jealous of this clip, but Antoine Dotson probably is. And these days isn't that more important. Speaking of which...

15.) The last week of The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien
There was a lot of debate this year over whether or not late night talk shows are still relevant or still matter. While they undoubtedly aren’t as relevant as they once were, as three of the four prior spots on this list can attest they certainly still matter. Matter enough for people on the internet to choose to rally behind and passionately fight on behalf of a not-that-attractive, awkward-seeming, smart, dorky, comedy nerd who was being bullied and picked on by slick mainstream hustlers. The people on the internet cared about The Tonight Show THAT much. Their efforts were motivated purely by their concern for the sanctity and importance of the show as an institution. And nothing else. And by responding the way they did they helped make The Conan Saga THE entertainment industry story of 2010. It was a compelling human drama, and almost as importantly, it made for a truly memorable and iconic week of television - Conan wasting NBCs money, his already legendary final speech, and a whole week of must-hear monologues. For a brief moment in time it was like it was 1964 again and The Tonight Show was the biggest thing on TV. Even somewhat tangentially related things like David Letterman’s jokes, and Jimmy Kimmel’s balls of steel appearance on Leno’s "10 at 10" segment probably could warrant their own spots on this "best of" list. And all of it was possible because of the efforts of Team Coco. So to anyone who says that the internet is a vapid wasteland that isn’t living up to its potential as a agent for activism, the spread of information, and social change, just know that this year it helped get Conan a new late night show and Betty White a hosting gig on Saturday Night Live. Also, it helped many people to become aware of the existence of breast cancer. So quit your bitching people of Haiti. It’s interfering with my blog writing and my enjoyment of this TBS talk show I’m not watching.

14.) BPGlobal PR Twitter feed
While we’re on the topic of big media stories and the internet, nowhere did those two things intersect more than the rise of the trashcan of thoughts that is twitter. 2010 will likely forever be listed in the history books as the year twitter officially took over. It likely signifies the beginning of the end for the human race, the canary in the coal mine of enlightened thoughtful discourse. But if you’re going to try and mount a defense of twitter then the BPGlobalPR feed is your exhibit A. Because it masterfully highlighted how the anonymity of the internet allows average citizens to go after powerful corporations in ways that would have seemed inconceivable a generation ago. And the immediacy and accessibility of twitter gives it power and cultural currency that something with the density of WikiLeaks lacks. Now true, twitter too often turns into a simple forum for jokes, but humor, when used correctly to speak truth to power, can be the most powerful tool we have at our disposal. And BPGlobalPR allowed us this year to hold that tool in a new way. I would say more about it but I’m almost out of characters.

13.) Michael Pitt in Boardwalk Empire
For a Sopranos-quality show, with Sopranos pedigree, Boardwalk Empire didn’t get anywhere near Sopranos-level love. Which I continue to find inexplicable. Did people for some reason just not watch this thing?

Remember how The Sopranos changed the face of mainstream television forever and remains arguably its finest product? Remember how one of the guys who made that show went on to create Mad Men, another critically acclaimed show that you absolutely love? And remember how a guy who was even more integral to the success of The Sopranos than that Mad Men guy announced that he was doing a show with Martin Scorsese, yes that Marin Scorsese, for HBO and how excited that made you? Well apparently not, because after the premiere it felt like this thing had almost no buzz. I didn’t hear or read people talking about it and it was almost an afterthought on critics' top 10 lists. Which is strange considering it was the best show on television in 2010 (full disclosure I haven’t seen the most recent seasons of Mad Men or Breaking Bad).

More egregious than a lack of buzz for the show itself though is a lack of buzz for Michael Pitt. His work in this show is absolutely electric. In fact it redefines electric. If his work here mated with Ryan Gosling’s work in Blue Valentine then everyone else in the world would have to stop acting because someone would have finally won at acting. Also, the earth might explode. Perhaps its self-preservation that people aren’t watching this show since when Michael Pitt is onscreen in it you can’t take your eyes off the screen. And sometimes we have to take our eyes off of the screen. You know, to check twitter. People should recognize though. Because this is some Marlon Brando-in-Streetcar level work Michael Pitt is doing and yet no one is talking about it. And that’s just the Pitts.

12.) The Pacific
Speaking of unjustly ignored HBO shows, why has The Pacific not been an awards show and year-end list juggernaut of John Adams-ian proportions? Perhaps because like last year's similarly brilliant Generation Kill it was somewhat slow and often hard to watch. Perhaps people saw the names Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg and thought, since when have they ever done anything good? Perhaps it’s because no one watches anything anymore that isn’t on AMC. But whatever the reason, The Pacific never seemed to permeate the popular consciousness the way it deserved to. Between this, Boardwalk, Eastbound and Down, The Life and Times of Tim, a flawed but great Treme, a buzz-worthy season of Real Time, great seasons of Real Sports and Hard Knocks, another great year of documentaries, the continuing brilliance of Curb Your Enthusiasm (and the impending end of Entourage) HBO is experiencing a mini second golden age. A few years back I considered cancelling my subscription. Now, other than live sports, HBO is the only reason I still own a TV. And part of why their resurgence has made me so happy is that they’re the only network with the resources and cache to make something as big and sprawling and well-done as The Pacific. I thought there was nothing left to say about World War II and no way to still make it resonant, but boy was I wrong. Cheesy as it sounds it made my love my grandfather even more and he had absolutely nothing to do with the war. But his generation, what they did, who they were, what they represent, it makes all of us that have come since look really bad in comparison. They really were the greatest generation, and the least they deserve is for us to watch this powerful and entertaining show about their sacrifices. Unless of course it's re-airing opposite Top Chef, in which case fuck it.

11.) Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson
After hearing hype about this show for years I had two thoughts immediately after seeing it at the Public Theater Off-Broadway this spring.
        1.) There’s no way that thing is not transferring to Broadway
        2.) There’s no way that it won't close there in less than six months.
Much like Passing Strange before it Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson is simply too smart and hip and young and good to sustain an extended Broadway run playing in front of families and tourists and nursing home groups. This of course is the problem with Broadway, and perhaps the whole of American theater, but that’s a discussion for another time. What we’re discussing here is the best show of 2010 and a major step forward for mainstream commercial American musical theater. Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson is hilarious, and moving, and extremely political and relevant, without ever being overly topical or partisan. Is it attacking the Bush years or the Obama ones or both or none of the above? Hard to say, and that’s a large part of its brilliance. The fact that many of the lines in the show have been in the script since well before the current events that they would seem to be referencing is a testament to the show and also to the cyclical nature of history. Above all its other virtues though, this show rocks. Rocks in a way that hasn’t been heard on a Broadway stage before. Rocks so hard that my seat was literally shaking. Rocks so hard that it made the 40 year old couple on the row in front of me seem like they were about 85. Rocks in a way that makes the songs in American Idiot and Passing Strange seem like hoary old Broadway chestnuts. For years Broadway has been producing so-called rock musicals. This is the first one that truly qualifies for the description. Who knew all it took to make history was simply to present it?

10.) Ke$ha's lyric “Don’t be a little bitch with your chit-chat / just show me where your dick’s at”
There are no words Ke$ha.
There are no words...

Okay, here are a few: This was such a great year for so-bad-they’re-good lyrics that it’s going to at some point warrant it own blog entry, but suffice it to say the lyric above was the very best of the best/worst bunch. It’s the Citizen Kane of so bad-they’re-good-lyrics. It's the Ulysses of shit. When Will.I.Am heard that lyric for the first time it was like the first time Brian Wilson heard Revolver, or the first time Clapton heard Hendrix play guitar. So thank you Ke$ha. Thank you for a lyric that will never be topped. A lyric that speaks to the great human truth that dicks, anatomically speaking, are indeed often hard to find. A lyric that will hopefully be engraved on your headstone. A lyric above all others. Blah, blah, blah.

9.) Winters Bone
In a year when 3D took over, it's ironic that that most fully-immersive movie experience of the year was a good ol’ fashioned 2D Ozark meth noir. The kind of noir about violent meth-cooking Ozark hillbillies your parents used to watch. Only difference is this one was superlatively good. It has a great script, great direction and a flawless cast. Jennifer Lawrence may be getting all the buzz, but John Hawkes and Dale Dickey were even better. And as 2011 already begins its overwhelming onslaught of sequels and remakes, it's nice to be able to reflect back on a movie that took us to a place and a culture and life that were all stunningly fresh and new and compelling. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. (Or actually, on second thought, don’t)

8.) Community - "Modern Warfare"
After an off-year, the newest season of 30 Rock has rebounded brilliantly. The Office has seen better days, specifically, all of them, but I can’t complain too much as long as Holly Flax is in my life. And Parks and Recreation has become the show it always was - perhaps the best half hour on TV. The fact that’s its entire cast doesn’t already have 200 million Emmys is an absolute travesty. But the first show I hulu every Friday morning is always Community.

If you wanted to attack Community for being a meta-, pop-culture parodying, too smug and cool for its own good, joke delivery machine you wouldn’t necessarily be wrong. But you would also prove that you don’t really watch Community. And that you definitely don't GET Community. Because while on a superficial level it is somewhat all of those things, it’s also an incredibly smart, deeply felt, character driven, old-fashioned sitcom. It also happens to be the funniest thing on TV. For those who don’t GET it perhaps it's because the world has never quite seen anything like it before. It's so close to being so many things and yet it's none of them. Ultimately it winds up feeling like the first network TV show created by and for the Internet Generation. And I mean that in best way possible. This is the past, redone for the future. And "Modern Warfare" is its finest hour.

7.) Old Spice - "The Man Your Man Could Smell Like"



Okay, okay, I hear your groaning. And sure I know that we're all sick of this commercial at this point. But that doesnt make it any less great. And if every drunken frat boy and their mom are going to being saying "Hello ladies" in a deep baritone for the next 10 years like its the new "WAAAAAZZZUP", well thats not Isaiah Mustafa's fault. He's just the man The Most Interesting Man in the World wishes he could smell like. And his charisma makes Billy Mays seem like Stephen Hawking. So maybe you're groaning at his commercial's inclusion here, but seriously, watch it again and then tell me - where's the beef?

6.) The Social Network trailer



It's hard to know whats more incredible - that a trailer this moving, this chill-inducing, this well-crafted exists, or that the movie it's advertising actually lived up to it's promise. If they gave out Academy Awards for trailers this thing would win in a landslide. But alas, they'll have to just settle instead for a well deserved Academy Award for Best Picture.

And a billion dollars (give or take nine hundred million).

5.) ESPN's 30 for 30
If you watched one basic cable sports documentary series in 2010 I hope you made it ESPN’s 30 for 30. Now granted I’m a non-fiction nut who would probably watch a documentary about paint drying if it got even halfway decent reviews, but the fact is that these documentaries made HBO’s sports docs seem bland and overly conventional by comparison. Which is really saying something. This series not only revolutionized the TV sports documentary, but it completely made me rethink ESPN as a network and even the nature and power of TV networks as a whole. I mean, who knew that “give talented people the means to make projects that they are passionate about and then get out of the way” might be a production model worth pursuing? Hopefully the artistic and critical success of these 30 sports documentaries from 30 different filmmakers will have a lasting impact on the way television and film projects are created, but even if not, at the very least they are guaranteed to forever alter the perception of their respective subjects. The Best That Never Was has given second life to Marcus Dupree, no one who sees Run Ricky Run will ever look at Ricky Williams the same way, and even something as seemingly familiar and tired as the OJ Simpson trial is given shockingly new perspective by the transcendent October 17, 1994. And it wasn’t just sports history these documentaries gave me new perspective on. By watching the series I gained great insight into the world of Columbian drug lords, the ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia, the national self-image of Canada, and the racial tensions in eastern Virginia (the mean streets of Virginia – who knew?). But above all, these are simply human stories. Stories about obsession, and friendship, and prejudice, and ecstasy, and community, and power, and love. More so than any other item on this list I strongly urge you to check out any and all of these you might have missed (other than the awful Marion Jones: Press Pause). The Two Escobars is indisputably the best and a great place to start, but the fact that’s its literally impossible for me to rank them from there is a great testament to the series. CHECK. THEM. OUT.

4.) Cee-Lo – “Fuck You”
There are certain seminal historical events that you’ll always remember where you were when they happened: 9/11. The OJ verdict. From what I’ve been told, the Kennedy assassination. And now you can add to that list the first time you heard "Fuck You" by Cee-Lo Green.

As I vidily recall, my first reaction was "that’s the greatest thing I’ve ever heard". And my second reaction was, "I can’t wait to see what happens with this song considering its clearly the best pop song of the year and should be a massive 'Hey Ya'-sized smash yet it can't be played on the radio. It could serve as a referendum on radio, on the way we consume music, on what popularity even means and how it is measured in today’s world. It could be a real turning point for our culture." And my third thought was "play that shit again!"

My highest hopes for the song as a cultural discussion point never really came to pass, but that doesn’t dampen the song’s brilliance. Because ultimately what kept it from being the "Crazy"-level smash it deserved to be was the very thing that made it so crazy good – its title phrase. Fuck You. Never before has a profanity seemed so inconsequential, yet simultaneously so integral to a song’s success. The radio edited "Forget You" topped out at #9 on the US Billboard charts, but it might as well have not even existed at all. It’s the exact same song with just one word changed, and yet it’s like they’re not even related. When "Fuck You" comes on I turn it up; when "Forget You" comes on I turn it off. The lesson, as always, is never underestimate the power of a good fuck.

3.) The Daily Show team
Publish a bestselling book? Gather thousands of people on The National Mall for a piece of political theater that is looking more and more prescient and seminal by the day? After ten years still be able to produce segments that are in the running for your finest ever? Get an actual piece of legislation, yes an important and life saving real-life law, passed by Congress?

All in a year’s work for the team at The Daily Show.

So thank you guys and gals. Because when the economy is in the tank, our hope is gone, and the world around us is going to shit, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. And boy did you deliver.

2.) Landon Donovan's goal vs. Algeria in the World Cup



In maybe the best year ever for best things this is unequivocally the best thing of the year (non-Kanye division). It combines my three loves – the World Cup, the internet, and unbridled joy and enthusiasm. And I’m not ashamed to say that this wasn’t only the high point of the year, but one of the best moments of my life. I can only hope that 2011 holds something even half as wonderful as this.

1.) Kanye

Where to even begin?

For just the "Runaway" video alone he would have topped the list. The album itself would have topped any list ever. His awards show performances and his two songs on SNL completely transformed what those mediums and venues could be. As did his twitter feed. But combine it all and you have a year of achievement so over the top, grandiose, and completely insane that maybe only Kanye himself could comprehend it. And certainly he alone could pull it off. Because in our micro world, Kanye is macro. Singles are where music is at? Then he'll make an Album with a capital A. Songs are getting more simple and minimalist? He’ll add eight vocalists as many instruments and sounds as he can find, give it an intro and an outro, hooks on top of hooks, and make it all combined eight minutes long. Consensus is dead? He'll top the rankings of everything from Time Magazine to Pitchfork, from Rolling Stone, Vibe, and Spin, to USA Today, The Washington Post and Entertainment Weekly. Being indie is where it’s at? Kanye will try and get bigger than The Beatles. And it’s no coincidence that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy and The White Album were released on the exact same day 42 years apart. This is the art we'll be telling our kids about.

In the end Kanye wasn’t just the best thing about 2010. He was 2010.