Here's to the Shorties: Thoughts on The Grammys and Other Things

Dear Grammys,

Okay what the hell?

You really gone and done it this time.

Everything in our relationship was going so smoothly. I was composing my annual article about your hilarious irrelevance and you were complying as usual what with completely predictable awards for Train and Herbie Hancock and Lady Antebellum. You even got up to our old irascible tricks by giving Best New Artist to Esperanza Spalding. Esperanza Spalding! Because that’s the kind of thing you do. I know that about you. It’s who you are. It’s who you’ll always be. Or so it seemed.

Now I think maybe our whole relationship has been a lie. I don’t even know who you are any more. I feel like I just found out that my wife of 20 years is gay. Because you just gave Album of the Year to Arcade Fire. Yes, that Arcade Fire.

You realize don’t you that they’re actually really hip and good and relevant, right? And that unlike, say, Outkast or Lauryn Hill that they didn’t sell a lot of records or produce an album with big hit singles? And you are aware aren’t you that not only did they have by far the best album nominated, but that it might actually be the actual best album of the year? So then what the hell are doing giving them Album of the Year? How does that make any sense?

Black is white. Up is down. Lion is lamb.

Then as the icing on the cake you didn’t even have them win their genre category? They lost Best Alternative Album to The Black Keys? Which means you didn’t think Arcade Fire had the best alternative album of the year but you DID think they had the best album of the year in all of music?

WHO ARE YOU GRAMMYS?!?!?!?

Why do you treat me this way?

Enough! 


In the words of Cee-Lo...forget you.
If only I knew how...

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Other Thoughts:
*Okay so first things first: Hatching out of an egg is great. But then…nothing? Standing around in relatively normal attire while your backup dancers perform a choreographed dance? It was so, well, (shudder) ordinary.

Look, the Gaga backlash/"Born This Way" hate are completely predictable and I certainly don’t want to be cliché and pile on, but come on Gaga. When you’re not able to back up the stunts with the music and the performances that’s where you’re going to run into trouble. So I’m interested and nervous and excited to see how these next few months play out for you. I have high hopes and more than a few doubts. But mostly I just hope that you never let Cee-Lo Green show you up again.

(While we’re on the subject of Gaga though… before we start debating whether or not “Born This Way” is stolen from Madonna, can we finally determine once and for all whether or not Ace of Base is getting residuals for “Alejandro”?)

*If scientists got together in a lab with the sole task of coming up with the most Grammy-friendly track  possible, I’m pretty sure they couldn’t do any better (worse?) than “Hey Soul Sister”. So congrats Train. Also, congrats to Pat Moynihan for being officially the whitest person to ever unironically use the term "gangsta". It’s your move Josh Groban.

*Can Janelle Monae just perform everything forever? And can her Grammy performance please, PLEASE, finally make her a huge star? Come on world, do the right thing for once.

*Justin Bieber playing a song on acoustic guitar?? What’s next, Katy Perry singing a dramatic, overwrought ballad? Oh wait….


*Okay, say what you will about Justin Bieber, but I really do think if he was just a little smarter that there’s legitimate Timberlake potential there. Unfortunately I don’t get the sense that he has the necessary mental acumen to make that transformation. But hey it’s not his fault – he’s Canadian. Everyone knows they naturally have smaller brains.

(The good thing about picking on Canadians is that the death threats are always so polite)

*What the hell – Jaden Smith is rapping/singing now? Does Child Protective Services know about this?
Speaking of which…


*Although they seem totally grounded and well adjusted, if I was a purveyor of hard drugs and/or alcohol I might nevertheless very soon look into hanging out in the vicinity of Willow and Jaden Smith. You know, just in case.

(On a related note: is Trey Smith now our generation’s Julian Lennon?)

*I spent at least 10 minutes trying to decide who Miranda Lambert looks like. I settled on a combination of Kristen Chenoweth and Kyra Sedgwick, but I bet you can do better.

*Hey Bob Dylan, mid-90’s Marlon Brando called and he wants his shtick back. Also, how many fingers am I holding up?

*I think it’s a good rule that whenever Jamie Foxx is introduced as “Academy Award winner” the introduction has to be underscored by “Blame It On The Alcohol”

*I heard a rumor, that I can neither confirm nor deny, that Elton John and Andre 3000 had a kid and that that kid watched Cee-Lo’s performance and thought it was a little too flamboyant.

*Holy shit…I’m not completely sure, but I think I might have just been sexually aroused by Gwyneth Paltrow. Hide your kids, hide your wives, the apocalypse is nigh.

*Now that we know that Academy Award winning actress and serious adult Nicole Kidman loves “Teenage Dream” is it okay to admit that I do too? Let’s face it, that Katy Perry really knows how to write a breast. I mean song…I meant to say song.

*If there was somewhere I could have wagered on the cutaway immediately following Katy Perry’s performance being of Russell Brand then I would have lost a lot of money.

*As I’ve always said, who better to pay tribute to Teddy Pendergrass than Lady Antebellum?

*It’s nice that the Grammys take the time to honor country music as it gives me a chance to go to the bathroom.

*Damn it! Someone announcing the winner of Song of the Year and/or Record of the Year as “The Song Otherwise Known as Forget You” was going to be one of the highlights of the year. Thanks for nothing Lady Antebellum.

*Double damn it! I swore that if I ever had to hear “Need You Now” again I would shoot myself in the face. And I like my life and all, but I can’t go back on my word. First you ruin my year, Lady Antebellum, and now you make me end my life. I hope it was worth it. On the bright side though, I’m really looking forward to an afterlife void of adult contemporary songs about drunk, horny housewives making booty calls.

*If I had to explain to an alien what the Grammys are I would simply show them the clip of John Mayer and Norah Jones presenting Song of the Year to Lady Antebellum. I’m pretty sure Neil Portnow was touching himself during that.

*I’m going to say something revolutionary here: Mick Jagger is good at performing music.

*So wait, what are the words to Solomon Burke’s “Everybody Needs Somebody to Love” again?
(See, that’s the great thing about the Grammys – they give me a chance to break out some of my good Solomon Burke jokes.)

*Esperanza Spalding: A big enough star to be chosen to accompany school kids while they provide the background music for a dry lecture about the state of the music industry.
(Also: Esperanza Spalding meet Paula Cole, Paula Cole meet Esperanza Spalding)

*Fun facts: Did you know that Phillip Michael Thomas is credited with coining the term EGOT? And that shockingly Barbara Streisand does not have one?

*Lady Gaga look long and hard at Nicki Minaj and see what you have wrought. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

*I couldn’t come up with a single thing to say about the Drake/Rihanna performance and I think says it perfectly.

*An interesting “what if”: What if Rihanna had been scheduled to perform at the Grammys two years ago?

*One more thought on Arcade Fire before we get on to some silliness. I'm obviously very on record as thinking that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was the best album of 2010. But as it came out after the end of the Grammy eligibility period, it's very arguable The Suburbs was in fact the album of the year. While that’s an open debate for another time, what’s not debatable is this: The experience of feeling like a song or an album was written just for you or perfectly captures your exact life expiernce is a common one. Creating music that feels that way is the real genius of a great musician and songwriter. But as The Suburbs is literally about Win Bulter's experience growing up in the suburbs of Houston, Texas in the late 80's/early 90's I think its safe to say that more than any other piece of popular music that will ever be recorded in the history of time, The Suburbs fits that description for me. 

There has been a lot of talk today about what Arcade Fire's win means for the music industry, for the Grammys, and for the establishment. I don’t think it means a whole hell of a lot other than that there didn’t happen to be any other truly viable Album of the Year candidates nominated last night. But I know that for one shining moment, we got to see a true surprise, real shock and joy, and some great music get its rightful due. And I learned that the tangential circumstances of my youth are now officially the inspiration for award winning art.

Oscars Cable Ace Awards, here I come.

*Lastly, although the Grammys are notoriously comprehensive in their award giving there are some music categories that went unawarded last night. Categories that I care about and think about far more often than Best Rap/Sung Collaboration by a Duo or Group with Vocals. So without further ado let me make up for those oversights by awarding the first annual Freds:

Verse of the year: Eminem - "No Love"

Sure Eminem has made some pretty big missteps that have lost him a lot of his artistic credibility. And by sheer virtue of his longevity he has lost much of his cache. But when people were calling Lil Wayne the best rapper alive he still should have know better than to appear on a track with Eminem. Ask Jay-Z how that worked out for him. Recovery as a whole, while not as strong as his early work, was nevertheless a nice return to form. But I doubt in a few years much of it will be resonant or even remembered. This verse though will always remain stunningly alive and proof that when Eminem is on his game there’s still absolutely no one who can touch him. More verses like this please.

Runner Up: Nicki Minaj - "Monster"

This award could be given out to a handful of different people on MBDTF alone, but with all due respect to Pusha T and company, Nicki Minaj is in class by herself. This is Eminem's "Renegade" verse for a new generation. Only instead of doing it with her words, the genius of the verse is all in the presentation. Sure, based on available evidence nothing she will ever do in the future is likely to approach the quality of this. But that doesn’t make it any less great.

Special Citation: Ludacris - "Baby"

I realize we can’t give awards to Justin Bieber songs. But just like Andre 3000's recently leaked guest verse on Ke$ha's "Sleazy", this is way better than it has any reason to be. It's like the rich man's version of Ma$e’s verse in "Take You There". And really, comparing something to the time that Ma$e rapped about The Rugrats is one of the highest compliments I can possibly give out. So in a sentence I was almost positive I would never say: well done Ludacris.

Worst verse of the year: Snoop Dogg - "California Gurls"

I don’t know what the worst thing about this verse is. The fact that it’s so lazy that I'm not entirely sure Snoop was even awake when he wrote it. The fact that its random assortment of unrelated rhyming words could double as a parody for what old people think rap is. Or that I’m pretty sure he stole part of it from the Slap Chop commercial. Regardless, this verse makes the rest of the song seem like the work of Bob Dylan. And bear in mind that the rest of the song spells Girls with a U.

Runner Up: Jay-Z - "Empire State of Mind"

I know this isn’t technically from last year but it won two Grammys last night so I'm including it here. It’s also worth including here because I think it needs to be stressed far more often that the Emperor here isn’t wearing any clothes. I mean how hard it is to come up with three verses worth of things related to New York City? This song should have been a gimme putt for Jay-Z and yet he took out his driver and shanked it 200 yards to the right. Okay maybe free-associative is a bold artistic choice on his part for a rapping style or something, but I fail to see how Dwayne Wade, Bob Marley, and BK being from Texas have anything to do with anything. And the randomness of it all would be fine if it was any good, but how is listing different types of cabs and rhyming "though" with "though" not complete lazy bullshit.

And then there's this:

"Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,

shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can"

THAT DOESNT EVEN RHYME.

Can we all stop not calling this song on its lyrical shitiness already?

Best lyric of the year: Lil Wayne's "Real Gs move in silence like lasagna"

I'm not a big Lil Wayne fan but even I have to give it up for this one. Anytime you listen to a song just to hear one line that’s when you know the lyric is a winner.

(Even if technically "real Gs move in silence like in lasagna" would be a much better line)

Runner up: Kanye's "Too many Urkles on you team, that’s why your wins low"

Worst lyric of the year: The entirety of The Black Eyed Pea's "I Gotta Feeling"

If I told you "I Gotta Feeling" was a fake radio station promo song and not a Black Eyed Peas song you would believe me wouldn’t you? Although there's a certain genius in making a song about people about to have a good night, there’s a distinct lack of genius in listing the days of week as part of your lyrics. What’s the opposite of Mazel Tov?

Runner Up: Young Money's "call me Mr. Flintstone/I can make your bed rock"

(With a strong nod to the same song's "I'm attracted to her for her attractive ass")

Best Worst lyric of the year: Ke$ha

At this point I really hope I don’t need to tell you which one. Nor do I need to say any more about it.

Best Worst Lyric of the year indie rock division: Yeasayer's "Max Schmelling was a formidable foe”

Does it have anything remotely to do with anything? No it doesn’t. It just comes out of absolutely nowhere and sits there like a beautiful beautiful diamond. No other applicants even needed to submit this year. This race was over before it even began.

Person of the year: shorties

There were a great many people who made a great many contributions to music this year, but no one played a bigger role in the music world this year than shorties. Whether they were shawtys, shortys or just plain old shorties, they did it all this year. They were like melodies. They let people whisper in their ears. They were fire burning on the dance floor. They kept T-Pain in the ringtone. And most importantly they were eenie meenie miney moe lovas.

I can’t wait to see what they have in store for 2011.

2 or 3 Things I Know About Her: 13 Thoughts on Ke$ha

1.) When trying to sum up this year, when reflecting on “what it all meant”, when trying to find one piece of pop culture ephemera to encapsulate the state of affairs in America circa 2010 there are many directions you go could: The now forever intertwined twin towers of Taylor Swift and Kanye West. The twitter explosion. The Social Network and Mark Zuckerberg. Lady Gaga. The Old Spice guy. The undead. But to me, one figure towers above them all in their social significance. A figure who started the year as a joke, became a supernova-like force, and now is already fading into the ether from whence she came. An “artist” who was both born and killed off as a cultural force in the course of a year, not just because of their lack of talent and versatility, but because they so embodied 2010 that they could not exist outside of it. A person who twenty years from now will be lucky to be a pop cultural footnote, but who will in fact encapsulate and symbolize more of what the experience of being alive and in this country these past 12 months was like than any historian could ever hope to be able to convey. Because as is often the case with pop culture, long after the specifics and the details fade their essence remains. We may not know anything about what life was actually like in the 1920s and could name off the top of our heads only a very few of the key cultural figures of the period, but we all have an idea what it was like to be alive at that time. We can’t tell you who specifically sang its songs, but we know what they sounded like. And so it is with our age as well. Long after humanity has forgotten exactly who P. Diddy is they will still be able to relate to the essence of waking up feeling like him. And long after the name Ke$ha has ceased to haunt the nightmares of our collective unconscious, the popularity of her music on our pop charts this year will likely, more than any other cultural force that 2010 produced, best define the year that was in Pop Culture America.

2.) If nothing else, Ke$ha’s popularity this year has produced one great new term:
“Keshy” (adj.) a combination of catchy and trashy
ex: That new Pussycat Dolls song is really keshy

3.) Speaking of dumb terms, can we talk for a moment about the line “my steeze is gonna be affected if I keep it up like a love sick crackhead”? (Strangely “steeze” is not in my spell check.)

The urban dictionary defines steeze as “a combination of style and ease; straight up easy flow and mad unique style. You either got it or you don’t.”

I’m not “urban” so I’m no steeze expert, but if I may, I’d like to elaborate a bit on my understanding of the term. As I see it steeze is a fighting back against the metro-sexual crowd and the trying-too-hard bunch. Because it’s not trying at all. It’s DIY, emphasis on the Y. It’s not engaging at all with style or trends or fashion or the culture at large. It’s our default setting when we pop out of the womb. It’s what’s inside each of us. (Provided that, you know, it is.) It’s what makes some old bed sheets a dress and adorning yourself in craft supplies “accessorizing”. And it’s the perfect term for our economically depressed, lazy, and sedentary times. And it is of course one that Ke$ha pulls off with great élan.

So please don’t make her be too interested in real meaningful human connection with you because then she might have to try.

And that sounds exhausting.

4.) Is Ke$ha the most authentic pop star of all time? Although she lives in a corner of the music industry built almost entirely on artifice, there’s seemingly nothing fake or contrived about Ke$ha. Sure the dumb, trashy, party girl thing is a marketing hook, but it also appears to be completely genuine. From everything I’ve ever read or heard or seen (yes, I did do research for this) Ke$ha the person is really what she seems, or at least pretty close to it. Sure she wasnt born with glitter on her face, but I feel pretty confident that she would be wearing it whether she was a pop star or not. She may be selling a specific image and lifestyle, but it is, from all appearances, the lifestyle she really lives. The Rolling Stones could trash a hotel room, sleep with groupies, get hammered every night, and then let their music reflect that, but name a modern mainstream pop star who could do the same, especially a female one. Madonna perhaps, but she was always chasing trends, trying to stay relevant, constantly reinventing herself. I’d be shocked though if Ke$ha ever reinvents herself. Because she never invented herself in the first place. She just was who she was and that person happened to be something the zeitgeist could embrace. And when the zeitgeist moves on, as it almost by definition always does, I feel pretty sure that Ke$ha wont chase it. She’s just gonna keep doing what it is she does audience or market trends be damned. She’s not going to be doing MTV Unplugged (if that was still a thing) or making an art rock album with Grizzly Bear. She’s just gonna keep making overly dumb dance music about partying and boys and having fun. And if that’s not what people in the future want to listen to in their flying cars with their robot maids, then fuck it.

Ke$ha’s success may be an accident, a coincidence, a case of right person right place right time, but it's hard to say it isn’t founded on something real. And is that in its own way a breakthrough? A step forward? Is Ke$ha a trailblazer? Is she deserving of respect? It’s a moralish conundrum. But at least it’s a real one.

5.) Ke$ha may not win a lot of awards for her contributions to music this year. And by “a lot” I mean “any”. But in the greatest year ever for so-bad-they’re-good lyrics nothing even came close to “don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat / just show me where your dicks at”. I mean we’re dealing with a year where “I get ten thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs” isn’t even cracking my top ten. And yet that Ke$ha lyric is so head and shoulders “above” anything else that I’m almost tempted to say that nothing in history is ever going to be able to top it. Although lord knows Will.I.Am is trying.

6.) While we’re talking about dumb lyrics, has anything ever made less sense than “kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger”? Even in his younger sexual prime I don’t think anyone was really that into Mick Jagger for his physical appearance. He was a supremely confident and charismatic rock front man who oozed sex, carnal energy, and aggression, sure. But I don’t think the particulars of his physical appearance were exactly what he was most known for. Still, even if in theory he was a major looker back in the day, he’s now 70 years old. If a guy who looked EXACTLY like present day Mick Jagger approached Ke$ha at a bar and offered to buy her a drink I can almost guarantee you she would laugh in his face and/or be more than a little creeped out. When people say that leather is out I’m assuming they don’t just mean for clothing, but for skin as well. Maybe I’m missing something and hooking up with anorexic looking 67-year-old men with faces that look like they’re melting is all the rage, but I’m pretty sure that “we kick ‘em to the curb if they look anything even remotely like Mick Jagger” would be WAY more apt.

7.) Some people worry that Ke$ha will make young people think it’s cool to party all the time and drink and take drugs. Some people worry about the implications her popularity has on the future of intelligence and education and enlightened discourse. Some people worry that kids are going to start thinking its acceptable to walk around dressed in torn up garbage bags. Those might all be valid concerns, but me, I mostly just worry about her bad influence on our kids’ dental hygiene. I mean brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack is not only unhealthy but outright dangerous. And if we don’t fight back against Ke$ha’s message, pretty soon we’re going to be faced with an entire generation of people with some pretty serious gum disease.

8.) The thoroughly bland and uneventful Rolling Stone profile of Ke$ha from a few months back (which I can’t link to because Rolling Stone still operates as though it’s 1972) posits that she is always making edgy and controversial comments, giving as an example her statement: “I like wiener”. Which indeed is very cutting edge and shocking. To a fifth grader. And that’s the thing - our standards for what we find outrageous and edgy have fallen to such a degree that bad fashion sense and studied stupidity now qualify as “edge”.

We used to fight things in this country. The system. The man. The safe, the plastic, and the status quo. We had real outrage and real sense of purpose. Thirty years ago someone like Ke$ha would have had place in the music scene. She could have been a punk. Her lack of polish and “talent” would have been an active choice and a statement. A statement against “the way things are”. It would have made us think and question our values and see the world in a new way. But as pop culture has ostensibly “loosened”, what with our sex and violence and foul language more omnipresent on the TV and what not, things in the actual day-to-day culture of life have actually grown more safe and provincial. Hell, even a decade ago there were people on MTV like Marilyn Manson who played with ideas of gender identity subversion and nihilism. Who would have thought I would ever be yearning for the days when nihilism was seen as an activist worldview? But I do, because even Marilyn Manson could never exist in anywhere close to the mainstream today, let alone The Sex Pistols. Now “I like wiener” is edgy and outré and punk bands have musicals on Broadway. And so instead of fearing that musicians are going to destroy our culture, topple our government, and forever change our safe placid way of life, now the only outrage they generate is “ugh, her music is stupid and she dresses tackily” or “man, he seems really egotistical and says crazy things on twitter”. And that seems to be enough for us. Is this the depths to which modernity has sunk us? Has the perpetual outrage machine really worn us down to this? No wonder the war in Afghanistan drags on with no end in sight…

9.) If in Europe Ke$ha’s name is not instead K€sha then that might be the greatest missed opportunity in branding history.

10.) I don’t know that Ke$ha’s love is my drug, but I’m pretty sure that it’s my syphilis.

11.) What’s with people keeping their best songs until their later singles? First, “Paparazzi” was the fourth single released from The Fame, and then “Your Love is my Drug” was held out until after “TiK ToK” and “Blah Blah Blah” had been released as singles off of Animal even though its CLEARLY her best song. And I’m using pretty much every word in that last sentence very loosely.

12.) If it’s true that every generation gets the artists it deserves then we truly have earned Ke$ha. She doesn’t write her own music, play any instruments, or even sing. And in our era of famous-for-being-famous celebutants, it’s fitting that arguably the biggest pop star of the moment is a singer who doesn’t sing. An artist who adds almost nothing to her art. A “talent” with no real discernable talents. She is exactly the pop star America deserves. She is our Warholian Age of Fame worldview sprung to life. She is what we think about when we don’t think at all. She is the us that has trouble sitting through YouTube videos because they’re too long, considers twitter heavy reading, and zones out every night in front of reality TV. She is us as we spend considerably more time reading celebrity gossip blogs than we do reading about the relief efforts in Haiti. Ke$ha is the vapid id to our Lady Gaga super-ego. She is who we R.

She is our steez.

13.) I like your beard.

Rejected Lyrics

Rejected Lyrics For Taylor Swift’s Love Song Before She Decided On “You Were Romeo, I Was A Scarlet Letter”

• You were Jay Gatsby, I was a red hunting hat
• You were Huck Finn, I was the blood on Lady Macbeth’s hands
• You were Guy Montag, I was a streetcar named desire
• You were Gilgamesh, I was a red-armed prole woman
• You were the Ministry of Truth, I was an allegory for the actions of the House Un-American Activities Committee
• You were Tess of the D’Urbervilles, I was a profound sense of boredom

Lyrics Avril Lavinge Rejected In Favor Of “I'm the Motherfuckin Princess”

• I’m the ass-kickin porcelain doll
• Bitch, I’m the debutant
• I’m the goddamn bunny rabbit

Rejected Follow Ups To “Birthday Sex”

• Valentines Day Fellatio
• Christmas Handjob
• St. Patrick’s Day Dry Humping
• Veterans Day Heavy Petting
• Arbor Day Hug
• Administrative Professionals Day Orgy

Names Rejected by Lady Gaga

• Princess Gaga
• Dutchess of Gaga
• Queen Gaga II
• 3rd Earl of Gaga
• Sovereign of the Distinguished Order of Gaga
• Kajagoogoo

Lyrics 3OH!3 Reluctantly Rejected That Were Only Marginally More Offensive Than “Shush girl, shut your lips / Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips”

• I’m a German, you’re a Jew / Time to party like its ‘42
• Is this another Nine Eleven? / Or have I died and gone to heaven?
• Let’s have an orgy with Jesus / Cuz I know he can please us / Orally that is

Thoughts Had While Listening To The Radio III

There are few things better than a day job that forces you to listen to a constant heady brew of Z100, kids songs, and other people’s iPod playlists, as it provides you much fodder for humorous (or not) thoughts and observations about music and a chance to do another installment of the feature that was the impetus for starting this blog.

(As always, thanks to Eryck Tait for his contributions.)

-I think a better song lyric than “put your hands up like you just don’t care” would be “put your hands up like you care very passionately about this song”. I just don’t understand why so many musicians are so pro-apathy.

-Okay, if you don’t understand a single word that somebody says and yet you have no qualms about drinking that person’s wine, then you’re just a dick. Even if that "person" might happen to be a bullfrog.

-Consider the fact that 1999 will for today kids always be a song about the past. Crazy huh?

-If Billy Joel is right and when you love someone you’re always insecure, then I guess I love everyone in the world.

-“I’m like a performer, the dance floor is my stage”? Um, Britney, I’m not sure you understand exactly how a simile works…

-Speaking of Britney…
I think it’s still a little ambiguous. Am I or am I not a womanizer? You really need to be more clear on that.

-Dear lead pussycat doll,
I’m a little confused by you using the words “hot” and “like me” in the same sentence. I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?

-Really though, who does give a fuck about an oxford comma?

-So that Chris Brown song No Air really takes on new resonance now does it?
(Too soon?)

-Seriously, why does the black one gotta be Scary Spice?

-You really haven’t lived until you’ve listened to edited versions of Nelly songs with 5-year olds.

-Like all right thinking people, I hate I Kissed A Girl. But my main complain with it isn’t that it’s too risqué, it’s that it’s too conservative. Seriously what world are you living in where your boyfriend would mind that you kissed another girl? The only thing he would be mad about is that it wasn’t videotaped. And “that’s not what good girls do, that’s not how they should behave”? What year is this, 1872? I guarantee you there’s not a girl alive over the age of 22 who hasn’t kissed another girl. That’s exactly what good girls do. It’s called sophomore year of college. What’s Katy Perry’s follow up single – I Crammed For My Mid-Terms?

-If Cruela De Vil doesn’t scare you no evil thing will? That might be overstating Cruella de Vil’s scariness somewhat. For example I would argue that Nazi Vampires would be scarier than Cruella de Vil, but maybe that’s just me.

-Finally here’s a fun activity for you. You know how you hate Bon Jovi’s You Want To Make A Memory so much that it makes you want to douse yourself with gasoline and light yourself on fire? Well no more! Because next time you hear it, listen to it as though it were written about Richie Sambora. Imagine that’s it’s secretly Jon Bon Jovi’s song for his lover, Richie Sambora, and it becomes maybe the greatest song ever written. If while listening to it in this context you don’t find Richie’s backing vocals to be the very definition of unintentional comedy then I really don’t know what to tell you. So really, give the song a listen with this thought in mind. You can thank me later.

More Lists Mostly About Music

When its time to phone a column in that can only mean one thing: Its time for More Lists Mostly About Music

Top 3 & 1/2 Misleading Rap Names:
1.) Dr. Dre - Not really a Doctor
2.) Lil’ John - Not really that little
3.) Usher - Not really an usher
3 & 1/2.) Dirt McGirt – Not actually dirt

Top 3 & 1/2 90’s Songs by One Hit Wonders Whose Names Start With “The”:
1.) “Bohemian Like You” – The Dandy Warhols
2.) “You Get What You Give” – The New Radicals
3.) “There She Goes” – The La’s
3 & 1/2.) “The Freshmen” – The Verve

Top 3 & 1/2 Good Occasions To Yell Out “Freebird!”:
1.) During a performance by the New York Philharmonic
2.) During a lull in a comedian’s set
3.) During sex
3 & 1/2.) At the pet store

Top 3 & 1/2 Signs You Have Too Much Music:
1.) You’ve begun looking into buying a third Ipod
2.) It takes greater than 3 minutes for your iTunes to finish loading
3.) You’ve seriously contemplated deleting Microsoft Office including Word from your computer in order to make room for more music
3 & 1/2.) People who have a lot of music see how much music you have and they say “damn, you’ve got a lot of music”

Top 3 & 1/2 Songs That Explain an Entire Artistic Output:
1.) “Silly Love Songs” – Paul McCartney
2.) “All About the Benjamins” – Puff Daddy
3.) “Sexuality” – Prince
3 & 1/2.) “I Suck Ass” – Gwen Stefani

Top 3 & 1/2 Alternate Titles for A History of Violence:
1.) A History of Violence Which I Will Inflict Upon Screenwriter Josh Olson
2.) A History of Improbability
3.) A History of Bad Acting
3 & 1/2.) A History of Giving Me Back My $10.75

Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix Tape:
1.) Dynamite Hack – "Boyz in the Hood" (maybe the greatest cover ever)
2.) British Sea Power – "Please Stand Up"
3.) The Arcade Fire – "Rebellion (Lies)"
3 & 1/2.) Loretta Lynn feat. Jack White – "Portland Oregon"

Top 3 & 1/2 Bono Lyrics I Can think of Off the Top of My Head:
1.) “I have run/I have crawled/ I have scaled these city walls/Only to be with you/And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” (one of the greatest lyrics of all time)
2.) “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”
3.) “The more you know the less you feel”
3 & 1/2.) “You gave me nothing now it’s all I got”

Top 3 & 1/2 Thought Recently Had While at the Movies:
1.) It should be a rule that any movie that features William Hurt (A History of Violence for example) and doesn’t mention this fact in its trailer should include a warning before you buy your ticket. To be blindsided by it in the opening credits after you already spent your $10.50 is unfair. Also, has there ever been a more aptly last-named person?
2.) The fact that I have yet to see the trailer for Brokeback Mountain without it eliciting lots of uncomfortable laughter from the audience doesn’t bode well for its chances in the rest of the country. But I think we already knew that.
3.) After having seen the trailer for Match Point one my favorite moments in theaters now is when at the end of the trailer it flashes the words “directed by Woody Allen” and people in the theater audibly gasp. Especially now that I know it’s coming, it’s almost worth the price of admission.
3 & 1/2.) Speaking of trailers, has a movie ever previously won Best Picture before its trailer was even released or will Munich be the first one? And does this mean that it’s the anti-Million Dollar Baby? And where exactly can I find a life?

Top 3 & 1/2 Things To Say To The People In Times Square Passing Out Fliers For Comedy Clubs When They Ask “Do You Like Stand Up Comedy?” That Might (MIGHT) Actually Get Them to Leave You Alone
1.) Do you like stand up anal fisting?
2.) My mom’s dead. Thanks a lot asshole.
3.) I don’t speak English.
3 & 1/2.) Stand up comedy?!? I LOVE stand up comedy!!! Thank you SOOO much for this flier. I will treasure it for the rest of my life. (hug them)

Top 3 & 1/2 Random Moments in Music That I Really Enjoy
1.) The moment when the vocals start on “Ice Ice Baby” and you know for sure that its not “Under Pressure”
2.) When John Lennon sings “I don’t believe in Beatles” in “God”
3.) When Frank Black yells “Then God is SEVEN!” in “Monkey Gone to Heaven”
3 & 1/2.) When Michael Jackson tells Paul McCartney, “Paul, I’m a lover not a fighter” in “The Girl is Mine” because really, did anyone think Michael Jackson WAS a fighter?



Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The NL Champion Houston Astros
2.) “My Father’s Gun” – Elton John (the best thing about Elizabethtown)
3.) Capote
3 & 1/2.) Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof

Thought of the Week: I need a haircut like a bitch needs a slap. Which is to say I REALLY need a haircut. And you don’t care.

Thoughts Had While Listening To The Radio

Working in the admissions office over the summer has taught me many things. For example: there are some jobs that human beings are paid for that could actually in fact be done just as well by trained chimps. Also, there is an entire alternate world out there that I used to live in but now am completely unaware of.

It is called the radio.

Remember the radio? Well, after being forced to listen to it at work every day this summer I hereby present the first in what’s sure to be a reoccurring series of entries entitled…well, see the subject heading above.

*Remember Ma$e (Mase)? Well, if your answer was “no” then you obviously are not a person who I want to know. Ma$e was such an integral figure in my youth and really, its kinda of hard to explain how that happened. Because as far as I could tell he had absolutely no rapping ability. I mean he even made Puffy sound competent. It was hard to really tell though because it was virtually impossible to understand him. Literally. Put a bunch of marbles in your mouth and try rapping and you would be replicating what Ma$e sounded like. Plus the few words that were intelligible usually made no sense. I’m still trying to figure out what “the goldie sound” is or was. Somehow though, he wound up on like every rap hit of the mid 90’s and everyone loved him for some unexplainable reason. Mostly, we were 13. Anyway, he retired several years back to join the ministry, because when you have a dollar sign in your name it seems only fitting you should join the church. But now he’s back and I’m not too happy about it. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s back, but his return has ruined for all times one of the greatest ideas for a song ever and for that reason I am not-so-glad. In case you haven’t heard, his new single is called “Welcome Back” and samples the Welcome Back Kotter theme song. Let that thought sink in for a second. Hear that theme song in your head? An absolutely perfect tune to be sampled by a rap song right? A sample so perfect for a rap song by an artist who has been away for a long time that it's amazing it hasn’t been done before. I mean this is just a genius idea for a comeback song. Imagine if the Beastie Boys had used the idea for a first single from "To the 5 Boroughs". It would have been an all time great single. And that’s just the problem. It’s not. Only someone like Ma$e could take what should have been a no-doubt grand slam and turn it into a bloop single with the runner advancing to second on a throwing error. I mean it’s a decent song and I’m always glad when it comes on, but it’s nowhere near and all time great. And now that Ma$e has used the idea in a song that has achieved a good level of prominence it can’t really ever be used again. And that’s a loss for all of us. And by "all of us" I mean humanity. And yes I do take things a little too seriously…

*Speaking of listening to rap at age 13 is it weird to anyone else that there is now an entire generation of people who will forever associate gangster rap with their junior high years? And that that generation is us? I know I bring this up almost every four days, but I think its worth repeating because I just can’t get over it. I mean when our parents think of junior high they think of the early years of The Beatles, The Beach Boys and Herman’s Hermits. Or at least mine do. When I think of junior high I think of “Hit ‘em Up”, a song in which Tupac claims to have had sex with the wife of a man whom he believed had just ordered hit on his life and then threatens to, among other things, have his “.44 make sure all your kids don’t grow”. And yes I knew all the words. In fact the first song I recall knowing all the words to was “Hypnotize”, which includes the lyrics “Poppa freakin…leave that ass leakin”. I mean “Gangsta’s Paradise”, “Regulators”, and “Keep Their Heads Ringin” are the songs that transport us back to childhood. Am I right about this? I thought so. I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds this fact very…well, interesting, for lack of a better word. Even weirder to think about though, is the fact that 60 years from now there will be an entire generation of 80 year olds for whom not only will hard core gangster rap not seem unacceptable, but who will, in fact, have been raised on it. I mean “Gin and Juice” will one day be an “oldie”. And I’ll hear it at age 82 and think “I remember singing that in the hallways while heading to recess in 5th grade.” And then I’ll most likely shit my pants. Because I will have lost control of my bowels 7 months prior.

*So according to scientists’ best estimates the earth is 4.5 billion years old. That means as of the end of this season there will have been 4.5 billion summers in the history of the planet. And somehow 4,499,999,999 of these summers have managed to exist without the song “Heaven” by the Los Lonely Boys. I’m not exactly sure how this was possible. I mean that song is what summer was invented for. Hell, it’s what RADIO was invented for. And although I’m sure it would sound good coming through your speakers at any time of year, it and summer just seem to go together like Beyonce’s face and my fist. And now that they have found each other, neither will ever be the same.

*I’m not actually “from the streets” so I don’t know these things, but does Nelly have even an ounce street cred left? I mean no one actually still takes this guy seriously right? People in “the hood” talk about he’s about as “gangster” as Usher right? Please tell me I’m right about this. If you yourself are “from the streets” fill me in on this issue. I need to know these things…

*There should be a law against covering songs which are less than five years old. There should also be a law against Jessica Simpson. Either one of these laws would have prevented her cover of Robbie Williams’ “Angels” from ever happening. That girl has never met a note she couldn't turn into five separate notes with unintentionally hilarious results. Somewhere Mariah Carey is rolling over in her grave. Wait…what? You mean she’s not actually dead? Oh…