Grammys 2017: Adele's Revenge

Who gives a damn about a Grammy? Other than Chance the Rapper hopefully no one. But what I DO give a damn about is the Grammys telecast. It’s great! Sometimes for the wrong reasons, but whatever! I love watching it. So, as always, here are some thoughts on each of this years performances: 

Adele (Hello)

“Heeeellllooooooo from 12 months ago” - Adele

Nothing like showing how you have your finger on the pulse of music like starting your music awards show out with a song from 2015. Keep up the good work Grammys!

James Cordon opening

James Cordon is the best case scenario for a musical theater kid.

The Weeknd

The Weeknd is the best case scenario for selling out.

Also, The Weeknd is great in any situation, but definitely the situation The Weeknd is best in is when Drake cancels on your awards show last minute.

Keith Urban/Country Music Barbie

Is this country music is now??? If so I guess it’s true what they say: one generation’s dance-influenced guitar pop is the next generation’s country music. 

Either that or genre is now officially dead.

Ed Sheeran

Fun game I like to play: Former Harry Potter Actor or Ed Sheeran

Fun fact that is definitely true: No one over the age of 26 can name a single Ed Sheeran song

Fun thing to watch on The Grammys: Not this performance

Lukas Graham/Kelsea Ballerini

It’s been fun not knowing you Kelsea Ballerini. Best of luck with everything.

HOT TAKE SO HOT THAT IT’S ON FIRE: “7 Years” is a good song and I enjoy it.

(Feels good to get that off my chest)

Beyonce

In retrospect Destiny’s Child is the most fitting name possible for a young-Beyonce fronted group. This Beyonce is where the last 20 years of popular music have been building to. If 1998 Lauryn Hill, 2008 Lady Gaga, and 2010 Kanye had a daughter, that daughter would want to be 2016/17 Beyonce when she grows up.

Having the platform, permission, vision, and talent to give this performance is really the final level possible of popular artistic success. Clearly Beyonce is there and it’s awesome to see. But mostly I just enjoy how Solange Beyonce is now.

Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars paradoxes:

-Bruno Mars remains somehow both incredibly overrated and incredibly underrated at the same time.

-Bruno Mars is one of the most charismatic performers in history, yet also somehow has no discernible personality.

-Pretty much everyone would agree that a Bruno Mars concert seems like it would be awesome, yet I doubt there’s a single person I know who would ever actually want to go to one.

Bruno Mars remains a great live performer and an even greater enigma, and the Earth will now die and crash into the sun before The Grammys will ever again happen without a Bruno Mars performance.

Katy Perry

I don't know if its acceptable to ironically love Katy Perry yet or not, but regardless, I audibly expressed excitement when her performance was introduced. Listening to new Katy Perry singles is my heroin. I know I’ll never get back that original high of “Teenage Dream” but I’m addicted to trying anyway. It just makes me feel so good inside. And it will somehow probably lead to my death.

Also, how quietly Katy Perry is winning the Perry/Swift civil war is so Katy Perry. And as much as I like Taylor Swift I’m gonna be one of the first people off the boats at Normandy

Gary Clark Jr.

Gary, you're great and I'm sure that was lovely, but I gotta be honest, I was still Perry drunk for your whole performance.

Alicia Keys/Maren Morris

I feel like we as a society have failed Alicia Keys. She’s some parallel universe’s Beyonce.

And I had no real idea who Maren Morris was coming into tonight but I have a strong feeling her album sales just picked up significantly. So way to Ricky Martin that thing Maren!

Adele (George Michael tribute)

In an existential twist, messing up made that way better than it would have been had everything gone according to plan. (Wake up sheep! Adele’s Sound Issues were an inside job!)

And the in-the-moment confusion over how much of Adele’s post-song emotion was about George Michael and how much was about the restart is why there's still nothing quite like watching live TV.

Lady Gaga/Metallica

Wow Lady Gaga’s country phase sure just took a dramatic turn.

Pretty sure Lady Gaga is the first person to perform on the Grammys with both Metallica and Tony Bennett, but I’ll have to check on that. All I know is I’m looking forward to next year when she performs with Wu-Tang Clan.

Sturgill Simpson

Dwight Yoakum introducing Sturgill Simpson feels even more on the nose than Beyonce being introduced by her own mother.

After that performance Sturgill Simpson easily retains his title as My All-Time Favorite Live Performer That I Had Never Even Heard of Two Months Ago. Also there's literally nothing in life The Dap-Kings don’t make better.

The Bee Gees Tribute

I know that literally no one in the world needed or wanted that, but hey, good news, Little Big Town covering “How Deep Is Your Love” is now the official theme song of CBS. So there’s that.

A Tribe Called Quest and Friends

My review

1st Half: ….honestly? Kind of a mess.

2nd Half: ALL THE FIRE EMOJIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you kick it? I’m pretty sure you just did. The ONLY bright side to the next four years is the hope that we might get to experience even more shit like that.

Prince Tribute

Bruno Mars and The Time doing the Grammys' Prince Tribute is the occam’s razor of Prince tributes. It also feels like the last word. Although I also think we’d all be totally fine with just continuing to do Prince tributes forever.

Chance the Rapper

There was a 100% chance that was going to be transcendently great and indeed it was. I don’t believe in God, but Chance the Rapper is so great that he makes me think that I do.

John Legend/Cynthia Erivo

HOT TAKE SO HOT IT CAN MELT STEEL BEAMS: I’m over awards shows doing solemn In Memoriam segments.

Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!! James Cordon thought he could upstage Neil Portnow with his Neil Portnow intro but NOTHING CAN UPSTAGE NEIL PORTNOW! 

Real talk: At this point I legitimately don’t know if my excitement about Neil Portnow is even ironic anymore. This is my cry for help.

The fact that The Grammys ended the performance section of the night with In Memoriam and Neil Portnow

#ThatsSoGrammy

Grammys 2015, or I Think They've Given Up

I wasn't going to watch the Grammys this year but then I heard LL Cool J was hosting and I was like “sign me up!” Like nearly all Americans I just can’t get enough of musical superstar and acting great LL Cool J. And the fact that he would be attached to my favorite yearly TV event and the worlds most nonsensical and meaningless awards show, well, how could I resist?!?

As always, I know no one cares about or even watches the Grammys, but still, I love writing about it every year, so indulge me my thoughts here on each performance. Or dont. Whatever. This blog is free.

AC/DC
Even people at an AD/DC concert don’t want to hear a new AC/DC song but, hey, great way to kick off the Grammys!

Oh wait, now there are plastic light up devil horns for the crowd to wear? This NIGHT might be on a highway to hell…

(Also, has there ever been a less necessary cutaway than the cutaway to Dave Grohl banging his head to AC/DC? Dave Grohl is a Tenacious D character at this point.)

Ariana Grande
“Coming up next: A performance by Ariana Grande as you've never seen her before.”
So, a regular Ariana Grande performance then?

If the old adage is true that every generation gets the Mariah Carey they deserve, then this generation is fucked.

Tom Jones/Jessie J
Oh awesome, its 1963 Best Picture winner and charming British sex farce Tom Jones! Wait…never mind…it’s just some old dude. And Jessie J. Carry on then.

Also, STOP TRYING TO MAKE JESSIE J HAPPEN.

Miranda Lambert
I was raised on mainstream commercial country music, but usually country music performances at the Grammys mean its time for a bathroom break. That was pretty great though. That being said, was that even country music? I mean, what IS country music anymore? What is anything really? What is life? Why am I here? Is human existence even real? Is Miranda Lambert married to that judge from The Voice? So many questions raised by this performance.

Kanye
KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE

KANYE WEST IS PERFORMING ON LIVE TV. I NEED AN ALERT ON MY ON MY PHONE FOR WHEN KANYE DOES ANYTHING ON TV EVER. AWARDS SHOW KANYE IS THE BEST KANYE. THIS IS THE BEST KANYE. IT IS HAPPENING NOW. KANYE IS KANYE-ING.

THIS SONG IS GROWING ON ME. MAXIMALIST KAYNE IS MY FAVORITE KANYE BUT MINIMALIST KANYE IS GOING TO BE FASCINATING TOO.

WAIT NO KANYE IS ENDING. DONT END KAYNE.

LEGIT CHILLS WHEN KANYE LEFT AND THERE WAS JUST THAT BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING UP TO HEAVEN. BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING UP TO HEAVEN 2016!

Kayne is gone.

Madonna
Madonna doesn't get near enough credit for still being around and still being semi-relevant. Do you realize Madonna's debut album came out just three years after U2’s debut album. And yet people are still trying to pirate her music rather than bitching when they get it for free. And here she is performing a brand new song at the Grammys and it's enjoyable and people are into it (suck it AC/DC).

Anyway, good job Madonna. Hope you keep on keepin’ on.

Ed Sheeran
If the old adage is true that every generation gets the John Mayer they deserve, then this generation is doing great!

ELO
ELO is performing on The Grammys! I don't know why they're here, no explanation was given, but who cares, it's ELO!

OMG Paul McCartney was just clapping along with "Mr. Blue Sky". That's peak ELO! Jeff Lynne probably just came a little.

If you have one negative thing to say about this performance or ELO in general, stop reading this blog right now and never come back because you are a garbage person.

This is music's biggest night!!!!

Gwen Stefani/Adam Levine
To go from ELO to Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani is like going from winning the lottery to having a bird shit on your head.

Based on the evidence so far at The Grammys what kids are into these days is “songs that are boring”.

Wait, are Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani even people that the kids are into? Who is this supposed to be appealing to? I don't know anything anymore.

Hozier/Annie Lennox
Is the reason Hozier is so desperate to get to church is because he needs to pray for forgiveness for that performance?

I’m sorry. That was mean. I apologize for that Gotye. Or Hozier. Whoever you are. Anyway, congrats on the long illustrious career ahead of you.

Hey, speaking of long illustrious careers…Annie Lennox ladies and gentlemen!

Pharrell
Hans Zimmer playing electric guitar! A classical pianist! Choir singers in the aisles playing tambourines! Pharrell wearing a DIFFERENT funny hat! THIS is why the Grammys exist and what makes them great. Performers really trying something, risking looking ridiculous, and being awesome both despite and because of it.

Sadly, not nearly enough performances like that this year.

Obama
No! Obama, what are you doing?!?!? Don't come out against violence against women and girls. Now Republicans are going to SUPPORT violence against women and girls simply out of spite. Thanks for nothing Obummer.

(BTW Grammys, nice sentiment, but you do know you nominated Chris Brown for an award tonight right?)

Katy Perry
That was very good and powerful and the exact opposite of her equally awesome Super Bowl show and also unlike anything that Beyonce would ever use her performance time for. And don't even try and argue that she would, because you're wrong and you know it. I’m ride or die #TeamPerry.

(After that performance is maybe not the place to bring this up, but how amazing would it have been if Katy Perry had brought Left Shark as her date to The Grammys? Is there anything in awards show history that would have broken the internet more than that? Just a HUGE missed opportunity)

Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett
This is Neil Portnow’s wet dream. I’m sure he’s backstage pleasuring himself right now in fact. This performance should really just be the main picture at the top of the Grammys wikipedia page.

In all seriousness though, props to Lady Gaga for recognizing that her lane was being taken over from all sides and realizing that "normal" was the absolute weirdest place left to go. This is her version of normcore, and it’s pretty brilliant.

Stevie Wonder/Usher
Instead of honoring Stevie Wonder by having Usher sing why didn't they just have a bird shit on his head?

Eric Church
Ok, so, good year for country performances at the Grammys and Eric Church seems great, but what the hell was he trying to convey with those projections? Was he supporting the protesters who were fighting to change their hometowns? The whole point of the song seems to be anti-changing-your-hometown, but maybe the song is like his "Born in The USA" and I just need to listen to the lyrics more closely? I mean he couldn't be protesting against the protesters could he? It sure seems like maybe he is though? I dunno. It was a more muddled message than American Sniper, but still, I kinda dug it regardless.

Kanye/Paul/Rihanna
KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE

KANYE IS BACK (with Paul McCartney and some lady)

THIS IS GOING TO WIN ALL OF THE GRAMMYS NEXT YEAR. YOU CANT HAVE ANY GRAMMYS ADELE KANYE AND PAUL HAVE THEM ALL. IM KINDA WORRIED KANYE MIGHT BE ENTERING HIS “I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU” PERIOD BUT IM STILL GENERALLY OPTIMISTIC. DONT EVER DOUBT KANYE. KANYE CAN GET Paul McCartney TO STAND OFF THE SIDE OF THE STAGE WITH HIS MIC TURNED OFF WHILE KANYE PERFORMS. THAT IS THE POWER OF KANYE. KANYE DONT EVER STOP. EVER.

Sam Smith/Mary J. Blige
That was as good as I hoped it would be, but I really wish they'd let him perform on his own. If he’s big enough to be up for, and likely win, most of the major awards of the night then he should be big enough not to need a co-performer. Adele got to perform completely by herself her big Grammy year. And if the old adage is true that every generation gets the Adele that they deserve, then this generation is going to be pretty much exactly the same as the last one.

Sia
Its a shame Sia will never be at the Grammys again because I really want to see what her next gimmick would be. I know people are getting a little tired of her shtick, but I don't actually think its shtick and I really cant get enough of it. In a pop era in which everyone is trying to out-weird each other Sia is doing legit performance art that comes from a genuine place. I support it and I love that something like that was just on CBS.

Beck/Chris Martin
This performance is happening as I write this sentence and yet somehow I already don’t remember it. I love Beck, but him winning Album of the Year for an album featuring this song is like if Martin Scorsese had finally won his Oscar for “Hugo”

Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW NEIL PORTNOW NEIL PORTNOW HOLY SHIT ITS NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!!!

SERIOUS QUESTION WHEN NEIL PORTNOW DIES DO THE GRAMMYS END FOREVER BECAUSE THE EARTH WILL IMPLODE AND ALL HUMAN LIFE WILL CEASE OR IS NEIL PORTNOW IMMORTAL? IM PRAYING THAT IMMORTALITY IS THE ANSWER. SERIOUS QUESTION TWO WHEN NEIL PORTNOW COMES ON STAGE DOES EVEN PRINCE STAND AND LOSE HIS SHIT? HE MUST RIGHT? TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF SUCH A POWERFUL SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT MAN IT MUST BE LIKE STARING INTO THE SUN. NEIL PORTNOW IS A GOLDEN GOD. NEVER CHANGE NEIL PORTNOW. NEVER.

Beyonce
Yeah, yeah, we get it Beyonce, you're a serious artist who can really sing. Good for you. But unless you're Adele or Sam Smith we don’t tune into the Grammys to watch people standing stationary singing songs we don’t know. This is not entertaining.

My Beyonce antipathy runs deep.

John/Legend Common
That was fine and the song is good and important but THATS YOUR GRAND FINALE?!? WTF Grammys? What the hell were you thinking? That was neither grand nor finale-like. Rather than going out with a bang The Grammys thought it would be better to leave people thinking “wait, was that the end?” This would have never happened if Neil Portnow was still alive.

Miscellaneous thoughts:
- I would pay good money for a five minute recording that was just different British people saying “Capitol Records”

- Anyone who thought for a second that Beyonce was winning Album of the Year knows nothing about the Grammys. I thought Sam Smith was winning, but Beck winning for Morning Phase was also super Grammy of them. Those were the only two possible options.

- “Stay With Me” was a lock for Song and Record of the Year. It couldn't have been more of a lock if Neil Portnow recorded it himself. And that's fine. It's a good song, it will never be embarrassing that it won, and it will hold up well. The Grammys have done WAY worse.

- Serious question: Is Prince the most popular living celebrity? Like if every celebrity in the world was in a room would Prince command the most attention and respect? Ever since Michael Jackson died it’s been unclear who our biggest celebrity is, but maybe now its Prince?

- RIP Pharrell’s hat. The Grammys giveth and the Grammys taketh away. This is like how Shakespeare died on his birthday.

- Why did they give out the biggest award of the night with 45 minutes left in the show? Its like if the Oscars gave out Best Picture then did a dance number and gave out Best Director and Best Original Screenplay. It makes no sense. Its like the ultimate admission by The Grammys that their awards are a ridiculous farce. Speaking of which…

- I love how the music started playing 30 seconds into the winners’ speeches. The message seemed to be “Get off the stage, people we’re ostensibly here to honor! Don’t you realize this whole thing is a total sham!”

- Come back soon Adele. A nation turns its bored eyes to you.

The 2012 Adele's

As someone who can vividly recall every Grammys ceremony since 1997, I don't know if theres ever been a less suspenseful telecast than this year (except perhaps the year of the Santana sweep). And as the last living American who actually cares about the results of the Grammy Awards it felt good. Two years in a row now the Grammys have (very arguably) chosen the actual best album of the year for Album of the Year. Leaving aside the fact that My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy wasn't even nominated for Album of the Year (which is a whole other issue, but that's for another time), it might actually be starting to seem like there is some sort of internal logic to the Grammys. Or I could be slowly going insane. But the very first time I heard 21 I thought "this will win a shit ton of Grammys". And it did! And that was true in nearly every category this year. The most obvious Grammy-friendly nominee wound up winning almost every time. And the fact that many of them were actually the most deserving nominees was an extra bonus.

But ultimately it doesn't matter.

Because the Grammys have always been the anti-Oscars. No cares about the awards; we all just watch for the entertainment value of the show itself. When talking about the Grammys it's never about who won or lost but how they played the game. "The game" of course being "performing great live musical numbers". And this year, they played (mostly) great as always. But before moving on to thoughts on each of the night's performances there are a few stray comments I had:

-LL Cool J was totally useful and necessary

-I'm really curious to see how the ratings are for this year's show because I feel like with Whitney Houston's death they could be off the charts. If you have to die (and we all do) I think we've now learned that the absolute best time to do it is the day before your industry's biggest awards show. Although I do wonder how things would have been different if she had died the SAME DAY as The Grammys. That would have been insane. And here I am looking at a human life and a great tragedy solely through the lens of how it effects a meaningless awards show. But one of my first thoughts when I heard the news of her death was, "well, I guess we know who is getting the final slot in the death montage tomorrow night". Which is awful. And also human.

Welcome to perspective in the age of twitter.

On a related note...

-Alicia Keys and Bonnie Raitt what were you DOING?!? Singing a tribute song that’s not by Whitney Houston??? Who is this Etta James person? Did she just die yesterday? I don’t think so! So why are you honoring her? How could Neil Portnow let this happen?

-Kanye is not at The Grammys??? That’s like Taylor Swift not being at the Country Music Awards. Is it some kind of protest? Yes everyone would agree he got egregiously shafted this year. And yes it must especially hurt since MBDTF was clearly designed specifically to win awards and critical approval. But even Stevie Wonder and Norah Jones collaborating on a Paul Simon tribute album released two days before he died in a terrible car accident wasn’t beating Adele this year so who really cares?

So where were you Kanye? Don’t even try to act like you had something better to do. A nation (specifically me) demands answers!

-In the upset of the evening, Adele’s speaking voice is even better than her singing voice! She should give speeches always. I havent enjoyed a person's Britishness that much since Amy Winehouse won Record of the Year for "Rehab". (BTW, gold star to whoever decided to sit Adele literally 3 steps from the stage)

-Text of the Night: (from my friend Chris on the strangeness of the Grammys) “George Strait and Taylor Swift in the same category makes me uncomfortable. It’s like having Shakespeare and Neil LaBute in the same category.”
(And if you don’t know who is Shakespeare and who is Neil LaBute in that analogy, then clearly you didn’t grow up in Texas)

Alright, on to the show. In chronological order:

Bruce Springsteen
This was a Bruce Springsteen song. It sounded like a Bruce Springsteen song. Bruce Springsteen performed it exactly the way Bruce Springsteen performs songs.

Bruce Springsteen.

Bruno Mars
I think Bruno Mars should only ever perform on Grammy Awards telecasts. Based on my experience of Bruno Mars in non-Grammy contexts he's a disposable performer of cheesy, bland, personality-less songs. Based on my experiences of him at the Grammys the past two years he's a person who brings the charisma of 1,000 suns to his high energy performances of awesome retro-soul jams. One of these two realities is not right. And I have no idea which.

Chris Brown
Don’t know why people were upset about Chris Brown performing. Pretty sure he didn’t beat any women TODAY. He did however rape my memories of playing Q-Bert surrounded by men wearing surgical masks. Which really are my some of my fondest memories.

I could come up with other thoughts on this performance but Chris Brown isn’t worth it. If he had beaten Taylor Swift he’d be in jail right now. Let’s move on.

Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson
BATHROOM BREAK!

Foo Fighters
Not the Foo Fighters best song obviously, but a pretty great performance. Dave Grohl always makes me wish I had chosen “rock n’ roll” as a profession. Also, nice to see that long hair is still around. It’s fun to watch it being whipped around.

All that being said though, no matter how many Grammys they win or great performances they give I will always consider The Foo Fighters failures until the day when they finally defeat Foo.

Rihanna & Coldplay
Wow, not a good Grammys so far for epileptics. A good Grammys however for Olivia Newton-John’s "Physical"-era fashion sense.

Some questions:
If you're a Los Angeles-based hip-hop dancer and you weren’t employed in that "We Found Love" routine is it officially time to hang it up?
Is it a bad thing that the lead singer of arguably the biggest band in the world is terrible at singing live?
Is it bad that a Chipotle commercial just did a better job of presenting Coldplay’s music than Coldplay did?
Is Chris Martin on the Mucaulay Culkin diet?

Lastly, I’m a big Coldplay fan so I say this with love, but here are some things that they should maybe never ever again reference in any of their songs:
-rainbows
-teardrops
-waterfalls
-butterflies

The Beach Boys
(I preface this all, like the last one, by saying I’m a HUGE Beach Boys fan. Pet Sounds is a desert island album for me and I’d put their 70's stuff up against anything. Seriously, check out Sunflower.)

I don’t usually watch CBS but I assume that their programming is normally just that Beach Boys reunion performance on a loop. It's the exact opposite of the dance music performance that’s coming up. I never thought a song usually in the discussion for Greatest Song of All Time could sound so placid.

Also, my mom texted before the performance to ask how many of the Beach Boys are still alive? Is it safe to now say technically none of them? And how long do you think it will take Madame Tussauds to get their Brian Wilson wax figure back?

Paul McCartney (1st Performance)
John Lennon is glad he’s dead

Taylor Swift
I am an unabashed Taylor Swift fan. I thought she was great. I liked the presentation. I like the song. And I’m thrilled to see her growing into a confident and exciting live performer. Which is important because she will be performing on the Grammys every year from now until the end of time.

Good job.

Katy Perry
Thought that was definitely one of the best performances of a song about having sex with an alien that Ive ever seen at the Grammys. When she switched over to the stuff with the fire and the shattering glass I got a little confused, but hey, a new Katy Perry song! That's all I really need out of life. (No really, it is.)

Adele
I think people have treated appearances by the Pope with less reverence than I treated that Adele performance. Watching Adele sing is like watching Meryl Streep do a monologue. Whitney Houston only died because she finally felt confident that she had an acceptable new host body. Give Adele all the awards ever. (Oh, you were already planning on it? Okay, carry on then…)

Glen Campbell Tribute
That was nice. I’m glad they did it. My emotional reaction to it probably had more to do with my deep-seated fear of Alzheimer’s than the performance itself, but whatever. Still nice.

And hey, remember that time Jon Lovitz hilariously had the DJ play “Rhinestone Cowboy” at the school dance in High School High? Yeah…neither do I…

Neil Portnow
NEIL FUCKING PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not quite enough on how downloading music will lead to the downfall of civilization this year, but who cares??? With his body of work that’s like complaining that Bob Dylan’s new stuff isn’t as good as the classics. It’s still Neil Portnow!!!!

Oh Neil Portnow, never change.

(On a side note, are we all entirely sure that Neil Portnow wasn’t at the Beverly Hilton Saturday afternoon…?)

Whitney Houston Tribute
Barely a day’s notice to prepare for singing a tribute to the greatest vocal performance of all time? And you absolutely nail it? That’s some fucking lady balls (ovaries?) right there Jennifer Hudson. Mad props.

Dance Music Thing
Dance music has been on The Grammys on CBS, so we can all be done with it now, right kids?

To get semi-serious for a minute, one of the questions I’ve always had is what sort of insane music our kids would have to listen to in order to piss us off. I mean we’re a generation that knows all the words to Tupac’s “Hit Em Up”, a song that begins “That’s why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker” and then goes downhill (uphill?) from there. Well, we finally have our answer. Because I’ve never felt older in my life than the first time I heard (the Grammy winning!!!) “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites”. (I still feel genuinely scarred by the experience.) And basically the only thought I had during this whole dance music tribute thingy was “I am very old and very scared”. Also, “that mouse head seems very unsafe”.

(But seriously though, what did the Foo Fighters playing “Rope” have to do with dance music? I demand logic from my nonsense!)

Nicki Minaj
Nicki has taken all of Gaga’s style but none of her substance. I love Gaga, but I really hope this is not what she hath wrought. I’m sure the Grammys let Nicki Minaj go second to last in the show because she promised them controversy, but really, it was just predictable and boring. I’ve seen train wrecks that were better conceived than that.

Nicki is somehow the exact opposite of nearly every other successful mainstream hip hop artist in that her actual rapping ability is inversely proportional to the quality of her music instead of the other way around. And unfortunately that doesn’t appear to be changing any time soon.

Oh well, we’ll always have “Monster”

Paul McCartney (2nd Performance)
Needed more guitar.

No but seriously, how great was that? The only thing that would have made it better was if he had capped it off with "Her Majesty". But then again (like all people worth knowing) I’m a huge Beatles nerd.

(And speaking of being a Beatles nerd, is it safe at this point to declare Paul’s longtime backing drummer as the 5th Beatle? Because that guy is awesome. And if so, I should probably learn his name. Especially since he’s basically a member my family at this point)

Anyway, great way to close the show as that’s exactly why we tune into the Grammys. For reminding us that despite the awards they give out honoring the best in music, that music can infact still be the best.

Can't wait for next year.

Teenage Dream: The Majestic Mystery of Kathryn Hudson

As summer slowly starts its fade into fall, as the leaves begin to think about changing, as the sun fades, and the joy and lightness of summer inexorably give way to the depth and chill of winter one thing still remains, and will, apparently, always remain.
Seasons come and go; Katy Perry is forever.

--------------------------

If anyone ever seemed like a one-hit wonder waiting to happen it was Katy Perry. When “I Kissed A Girl” first appeared in summer of ’08 I would have bet my life savings on that being the only song we ever heard from the bland cipher with the bland name singing  it. But here we are two years later, two years which by the way saw only a handful of weeks without a Katy Perry single in the top 10, and there appears to be no stopping the somewhat majestic mystery that is Kathryn Hudson. Majestic because she just last week tied the King of Pop by having five singles from the same album hit #1. And a mystery because, how? And why? And who? No , seriously, who is she? And who are her fans? Has anyone ever in history said – “Yes, a Katy Perry concert!!”? And if so, who? And why? I mean what is there to attach yourself to as a fan? Even Britney Spears at 17 had more of a persona and personal story than Katy Perry. So how in the age of individualism and personal expression did the non-descript sexpot win out? How in the era of over-sharing is, statistically speaking, the biggest pop star in the country someone we know almost nothing about? And WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT KATY PERRY??? And why aren’t we talking about her more? And, really, did we ever start?

Now that’s a lot of questions I know. More questions than anyone has likely ever asked about Katy Perry. But considering her latest album just achieved the distinction of having more #1 hits than Thriller and Rumours COMBINED, maybe we should start asking some questions. Like, for example, who the hell does she think she is taking over out pop charts like that?

Well since she’s not here to answer for herself, and since her answer likely wouldn’t be that interesting anyway (because nothing she says ever is), allow me to answer for her. Because I think I know who Katy Perry is: she’s a teenage dream.

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Here is the complete list of things most people might even potentially know about the biggest selling and, technically, most popular pop star alive: she was raised in an incredibly sheltered environment by religious nut-job parents; she started her music career as a Christian act; she’s married to Russell Brand; she possibly had a brief dalliance with Elmo; and she has very, shall we say, supple bosoms. Oh, and her music is catchy as shit. I mean "Teenage Dream" makes "Party in the USA" sound like Wilco's "Less Than You Think" And that’s not even her biggest hit. But should the catchiness of her music make the complete lack of anything particularly interesting or noteworthy about her totally irrelevant? After all music is never just about the music. Especially pop music.

So what exactly is Katy Perry selling?

Well, her attractiveness for one. According to a possibly apocryphal story Ms. Perry (allegedly) first got together with Russell Brand by sending him a cell phone picture of her breasts after the VMAs. Which, if true, is I guess her way of acknowledging that she is well aware where her bread is buttered.

(Also, move over Jane Mansfield’s boobs, Dolly Parton’s boobs, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs, and Scarlett Johansson’s boobs – there’s a new contender for Most Successful Boobs of All Time)

But there’s gotta be more to it than just being a more well endowed Zooey Deschanel with a better ear for pop hooks. After all there there are a million catchy songs on the pop charts all sung by relatively attractive people. And also Ke$ha. But what separates a huge #1 hit from a middle-of-the-road hit is that it provides us with something ephemeral to latch onto. To attach ourselves to. To reach Number One a song has to in some way tap into some collective emotion or experience, whether it’s joy or giddiness or just the acknowledgment that you too kissed a girl once, and, well, kinda liked it. This isn’t something we’re always conscious of, which is why we often find ourselves liking pop hits against our seeming better judgment. But it's always there in some form or fashion. And it's what the Svengalis of pop have spent years perfecting – the ability to make a song not just catchy but universally relatable. The Black Eyed Peas are the unquestioned masters of this, what with their massive hits about starting parties, and having good nights, and rocking that body. But Katy Perry isn’t far behind. She too has a song for almost every major human experience – young love, exploring your sexuality, accepting and embracing who you are, fucking an alien, etc.

(Can we all just take a second to acknowledge the fact that at one point in American history the #1 song in the country was about having sex with an extraterrestrial? Thanks.)

But where The Black Eyed Peas’ songs are laughably broad and general, Katy Perry has been able to make songs that while equally broad are yet also somehow specific. And more importantly personally relatable. See Katy Perry isn’t pretending to be a robot or a hologram or shouting L’Chaim for no reason. She’s just a regular girl with a relatable story who likes to wear funky wigs on occasion. Her life is the new American one: the troubled upbringing, the acting out phase, the flashy quick marriage, and an adulthood full of ephemeral disposable pleasures spent trying to hang onto your youth.

So while other stars are busy selling pimped out Maybachs or dancing sacrilegious motorcycle gangs Katy Perry is selling something more familiar and relatable. She’s selling real everyday life repackaged and gussied up. She’s not trying revolutionize music; she’s just trying to do what has always worked. She’s the CBS sitcom of pop stars, only if CBS was MTV. She’s the bland, less-empowering white Beyonce. She’s the more insidious Taylor Swift. She’s not selling fantasies; she’s selling reality remade as dreams. Dreams that teenagers have. And ones that she embodies all too well.

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Perhaps it's because Katy Perry had, by all accounts, an insanely sheltered upbringing that she’s so able to tap into the mindset of a teenager. Because so often as adults we get the teenage years all wrong. They’re not poetry and art and they're not salacious spectacle. That's not what kids really want. They want Grease and Saved by the Bell and Beach Blanket Bingo. They want American Pie and Annette Funicello and Dirty Dancing. There's a reason why Awkward has worked and Skins didn’t. Because as much as teenagers might think they want to wear a meat dress, or brush their teeth with a bottle of Jack, or have an on-again off-again romance with BMX star Carey Hart, really, they respond much more to things that seem real and possible and accessible. They don’t care as much about President of the United States as they do about being Prom Queen. And they don’t want a crazy adventurous life, as much as they, deep down, just want a conventional normal one just like their friends. Which means aspiring to a simple life of fleeting shallow pleasures and no real substance. A life full of the cultural signifiers of happiness and success with nothing behind them. They don’t want a challenge or hard work or hardship. They just a good time hanging with their friends. Friends like Katy Perry who, in the immortal words of Diane Court, has "glimpsed (their) future and all I can say is...go back”. And that’s where Katy Perry differs sharply from the aforementioned Taylor Swifts and Beyonces. She never hints at growing up or facing your fears or making something of yourself. She doesn’t want you to blow off your hometown; she wants to enjoy every minute you have in it. She’s hip to the true ambitions of kids.

For (most) boys, that means getting a girl. And not just any girl - The Katy Perry Girl. One who is, like, totally super hot, but not too slutty. One who wants to have sex but who isn’t too sexually intimidating. One who likes to party and have a good time, but whom they can still take home to mom. One who won’t bog them down with all her feelings and her drama and her deep thoughts, because basically she’s just there to make them happy. A girl who wont nag them or challenge them and likes farting and sports and beer because basically they are, to quote Katy Perry’s first album title, Just One Of The Boys. Katy Perry is Smurfette (no, literally, she is). She’s the All-American Girl 2011 style.

And for (most) girls, well, Katy Perry is exactly who they are all too often taught to be. Because you can wear your cone bras ladies, but if you REALLY want to succeed in this world they better be pink and shoot white foam out of them.

And that’s why Katy Perry isn’t going anywhere. She will always be with us because we will always at some time, on some level, collectively aspire to what she represents. Like religion or fear or corporate campaign contributions she’s what keeps this engine running. Even after Kathryn Hudson is dead and gone “Katy Perry” will always live on.

She must.
Because teens always need dreams.
And we all need realities.

Thoughts on The Grammys

What has the world come to where I’m passionately rooting for Taylor Swift to win Album of the Year if for no other reason than to keep Beyonce from winning it? Is this a world where the only thing that keeps I Am Sasha Fierce from winning Album of the Year (yes the whole year) is a mainstream country music album written and performed by a teenager who can’t sing? Apparently it is. No offense to Taylor Swift, but is this really where we’re at as a people? Look, I realize the Grammys exist in some sort of strange alternate dimension, but even by their own ridiculous standards this year’s awards were laughably absurd. And worst of all, like the show itself, they weren’t even outrageously terrible enough to get outraged about. Usually I can count on something so egregious happening that I can get a whole half-page rant going the next day. And then I'll inevitably remember that the Grammys are completely invalid and irrelevant and that I’m the only person under the age of 50 who gives a fuck. But this year all the nominees were so completely mediocre that as long as I Am Sasha Fierce didn’t win Album of the Year I could literally not have cared less about what happened. And so, sure enough, right up until the last minute the one and only ridiculous thing the Grammys could do that would piss me off looked like it would actually happen. Somehow it didn’t, but the downside of that was that it meant that the proceedings were so thoroughly uninspiring that I barely had enough material to write a whole post. Even when the awards themselves blow the performances are usually compelling. Not so this year. But I knew the world would be outraged (outraged!) if I didn’t write something about an event that absolutely no one else cared about or watched. You would never forgive me. So I do this all for you....

Highlight: Pink
(Look, I think Pink should get more respect. I like what she's about. I’m a fan. But when Pink is the highlight of your awards show you might have a problem)

Lowlight: As always, Beyonce
(Or as I texted my friend: That might be my least favorite thing I’ve ever experienced in the history of my life)

Meh: Everything else
Okay, I guess I'll go more in-depth than that....

*Dear Lady Gaga and Elton John,
I have no idea what the fuck any of that was.
And I mean that in absolutely the best way possible.

*So what do the other two Black Eyed Peas do exactly? They don’t play instruments or sing and far as I can tell. What’s left?

*"Welcome to the future?" Really, Will.I.Am? So in the future people dance around on a stage unimaginatively singing their hit song at an awards show? Wow the future is CRRRRAAAZZZY.

*Very VERY high on the list of things I thought I’d never say: “Well done Jamie Foxx”

*And in an all-time great upset…Michael Jackson’s kids seem normal! How did this happen??

(Also, I’m pretty sure the Grammys just made up an award so they would have something to give Michael
Jackson. I think the name of the award was, no joke, something to the effect of The Michael Jackson Lifetime Achievement Award. Michael Jackson won the Michael Jackson Award? I did not see that one coming.)

*Man, that Quentin Tarantino is so understated. What a wallflower.

*Someone explain Drake to me. What’s next, Kenan & Kel becoming a respected rap duo who are taken seriously by the hip-hop community? Why is no one calling bullshit on this? Somewhere Tupac is rolling over in his theoretical grave. And by “somewhere” I mean “his house”.

*Continuing my regular uncalled for and unwarranted attacks on Stephen Colbert, he did a really weak job. Jon Stewart can host the Oscars and Colbert can’t even handle a few minutes of jokes at the Grammys. Check and mate my friend. (Stewart 4 Life!)

*In terms of things I look forward to every year, Neil Portnow at the Grammys is the exact opposite of Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes.

*YES! Bon Jovi gets to play not 1, not 2, but 3 songs. I can’t…wait?

*Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dates a woman who looks either great or hideous depending on the light? That woman was Katy Perry.

*I think my favorite part of the Dave Matthews performance was when he invited the kitchen sink up on stage.

*Man I really miss Kanye. It’s just not the Grammys without him. If he had appeared out of nowhere to storm the stage as Taylor Swift was accepting Album of the Year it would have definitely been the greatest moment in television history. It would have made the moon landing look like the 2005 NBA Finals.
Alas.

*Lastly: Maybe my high school experience was different than yours, so I could be way off base here, but in what high school is a statuesque blond with model good-looks who writes and performs her own music considered an undesirable dork? I mean who is this cheerleader that her friend prefers to her? Megan Fox? Is this the most attractive high school class in recorded history? I just don’t buy for a second that there’s some teenage boy who says to Taylor Swift, “you know, I know that we have similar taste in humor and music and that you’re really into me and all, but I’m sorry I’m just not attracted to you, what with your T-shirt and sneaker wearing and all.” Who is this boy? Teenage George Clooney? It’s all utterly implausible.“You Belong With Me” is to Taylor Swift what “Bad” is to Michael Jackson. And no one can tell me different.

Things I Don't Understand

The expression “have your cake and eat it too”
Why would someone have a cake and not eat it? Has anyone ever ordered a cake so they could just look at it? Am I missing something here?

(And while we’re on the topic of strange expressions: Why do people say “kill two birds with one stone” like it’s a good thing? I mean why are we killing birds at all, let alone murdering them two at a time with rocks? That’s just cruel.)

Why there have been so many missed opportunities for synergy recently
-In the New York mayoral race I’m sure the candidates have things like “views on the issues” and “plans for the city”, but all I care about is the fact that none of them (to my knowledge) has made the song “Run This Town” a key element of their campaign. This is indefensible. Seriously at this point whoever is the first to use that song in a campaign ad or at a personal appearance has my vote. If no one uses it then I’m not voting. Simple as that. Now get to work, because through a strange loophole in the law my vote counts as 1,000 votes.

-Now that the book can be officially closed on the summer of ’09 it must be asked – how did we have a summer in which one of the most popular movies and one of the most popular songs were both about waking up hung over in Las Vegas and yet neither of them had anything to do with the other? Katy Perry’s CD came out like a year ago so that was plenty of time for the makers of The Hangover to incorporate “Waking Up In Vegas” into the movie in some way or at least add it to the soundtrack. It’s completely incomprehensible to me that this wasn’t done. I mean the song sounds like it was written for the movie. If they had commissioned Katy Perry to write a song specifically for the film there’s no way she could have done a better job. The fact that the music video isn’t one of those cheesy videos that features clips from the film amazes me. Whenever I hear the songs I can picture that video in my mind. How does it not exist? What kind of world is this? What, did Katy Perry and/or the makers of The Hangover have too much integrity? Did they not want to sell out? Someone explain this to me.

-The Noble Prize winners have been announced this week and none of the announcements have been accompanied by the playing of the song “Boom Boom Pow”? I mean wouldn’t any declaration of human greatness sound better if backed by that song? What expresses excellence in one’s field quite like a song with the lyrics “I’m on the supersonic boom/ Yall hear that spaceship zoom/ When when I step inside the room/ Them girls go apeshit, uh”? I mean the way he repeats the word “when” for no reason and then is unable to come with one more word at the end that rhymes with “room” – it’s genius. That is some good shit right there. Also, I may be confused as to the meaning of the word “good”.

The Parks and Recreation haters
Explain yourselves

Why I continue to watch Entourage
Our relationship is getting really abusive at this point. Next season I’m really expecting an episode entitled “Andy Stokan, Go Fuck Yourself”. And even then I think I would still keep watching. I haven’t been “involved” with something this bad since that time I dated Kirsten Dunst. I think next season I should just hit myself with a hammer once a week for 30 minutes until my brain starts hemorrhaging. It would be time better spent.

This


The David Letterman “Outrage”
Oh my God someone in the entertainment field was unfaithful to their significant other! A man in a position of power had a consensual sexual relationship with one of his subordinates! A clearly self-loathing and deeply insure person engaged in self-destructive behavior! Wow, I’m shocked. And, um, outraged or something? Seriously, how is any of this a big story? And how does the fact the he has made tons of jokes about infidelity over the years affect this in any way. That doesn’t make him a hypocrite, it makes him a comedian who was doing his job and will surely continue to do so. As Craig Ferguson said, "If we are now holding late-night talk show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out." And so am I. So back off and go back to being outraged about Jon and Kate or whatever. Because that shit is outrageous. Right? (I’m actually asking. Because I don’t know. They make my eyes bleed.)

Thoughts Had While Listening To The Radio III

There are few things better than a day job that forces you to listen to a constant heady brew of Z100, kids songs, and other people’s iPod playlists, as it provides you much fodder for humorous (or not) thoughts and observations about music and a chance to do another installment of the feature that was the impetus for starting this blog.

(As always, thanks to Eryck Tait for his contributions.)

-I think a better song lyric than “put your hands up like you just don’t care” would be “put your hands up like you care very passionately about this song”. I just don’t understand why so many musicians are so pro-apathy.

-Okay, if you don’t understand a single word that somebody says and yet you have no qualms about drinking that person’s wine, then you’re just a dick. Even if that "person" might happen to be a bullfrog.

-Consider the fact that 1999 will for today kids always be a song about the past. Crazy huh?

-If Billy Joel is right and when you love someone you’re always insecure, then I guess I love everyone in the world.

-“I’m like a performer, the dance floor is my stage”? Um, Britney, I’m not sure you understand exactly how a simile works…

-Speaking of Britney…
I think it’s still a little ambiguous. Am I or am I not a womanizer? You really need to be more clear on that.

-Dear lead pussycat doll,
I’m a little confused by you using the words “hot” and “like me” in the same sentence. I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?

-Really though, who does give a fuck about an oxford comma?

-So that Chris Brown song No Air really takes on new resonance now does it?
(Too soon?)

-Seriously, why does the black one gotta be Scary Spice?

-You really haven’t lived until you’ve listened to edited versions of Nelly songs with 5-year olds.

-Like all right thinking people, I hate I Kissed A Girl. But my main complain with it isn’t that it’s too risqué, it’s that it’s too conservative. Seriously what world are you living in where your boyfriend would mind that you kissed another girl? The only thing he would be mad about is that it wasn’t videotaped. And “that’s not what good girls do, that’s not how they should behave”? What year is this, 1872? I guarantee you there’s not a girl alive over the age of 22 who hasn’t kissed another girl. That’s exactly what good girls do. It’s called sophomore year of college. What’s Katy Perry’s follow up single – I Crammed For My Mid-Terms?

-If Cruela De Vil doesn’t scare you no evil thing will? That might be overstating Cruella de Vil’s scariness somewhat. For example I would argue that Nazi Vampires would be scarier than Cruella de Vil, but maybe that’s just me.

-Finally here’s a fun activity for you. You know how you hate Bon Jovi’s You Want To Make A Memory so much that it makes you want to douse yourself with gasoline and light yourself on fire? Well no more! Because next time you hear it, listen to it as though it were written about Richie Sambora. Imagine that’s it’s secretly Jon Bon Jovi’s song for his lover, Richie Sambora, and it becomes maybe the greatest song ever written. If while listening to it in this context you don’t find Richie’s backing vocals to be the very definition of unintentional comedy then I really don’t know what to tell you. So really, give the song a listen with this thought in mind. You can thank me later.