Grammys 2017: Adele's Revenge

Who gives a damn about a Grammy? Other than Chance the Rapper hopefully no one. But what I DO give a damn about is the Grammys telecast. It’s great! Sometimes for the wrong reasons, but whatever! I love watching it. So, as always, here are some thoughts on each of this years performances: 

Adele (Hello)

“Heeeellllooooooo from 12 months ago” - Adele

Nothing like showing how you have your finger on the pulse of music like starting your music awards show out with a song from 2015. Keep up the good work Grammys!

James Cordon opening

James Cordon is the best case scenario for a musical theater kid.

The Weeknd

The Weeknd is the best case scenario for selling out.

Also, The Weeknd is great in any situation, but definitely the situation The Weeknd is best in is when Drake cancels on your awards show last minute.

Keith Urban/Country Music Barbie

Is this country music is now??? If so I guess it’s true what they say: one generation’s dance-influenced guitar pop is the next generation’s country music. 

Either that or genre is now officially dead.

Ed Sheeran

Fun game I like to play: Former Harry Potter Actor or Ed Sheeran

Fun fact that is definitely true: No one over the age of 26 can name a single Ed Sheeran song

Fun thing to watch on The Grammys: Not this performance

Lukas Graham/Kelsea Ballerini

It’s been fun not knowing you Kelsea Ballerini. Best of luck with everything.

HOT TAKE SO HOT THAT IT’S ON FIRE: “7 Years” is a good song and I enjoy it.

(Feels good to get that off my chest)

Beyonce

In retrospect Destiny’s Child is the most fitting name possible for a young-Beyonce fronted group. This Beyonce is where the last 20 years of popular music have been building to. If 1998 Lauryn Hill, 2008 Lady Gaga, and 2010 Kanye had a daughter, that daughter would want to be 2016/17 Beyonce when she grows up.

Having the platform, permission, vision, and talent to give this performance is really the final level possible of popular artistic success. Clearly Beyonce is there and it’s awesome to see. But mostly I just enjoy how Solange Beyonce is now.

Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars paradoxes:

-Bruno Mars remains somehow both incredibly overrated and incredibly underrated at the same time.

-Bruno Mars is one of the most charismatic performers in history, yet also somehow has no discernible personality.

-Pretty much everyone would agree that a Bruno Mars concert seems like it would be awesome, yet I doubt there’s a single person I know who would ever actually want to go to one.

Bruno Mars remains a great live performer and an even greater enigma, and the Earth will now die and crash into the sun before The Grammys will ever again happen without a Bruno Mars performance.

Katy Perry

I don't know if its acceptable to ironically love Katy Perry yet or not, but regardless, I audibly expressed excitement when her performance was introduced. Listening to new Katy Perry singles is my heroin. I know I’ll never get back that original high of “Teenage Dream” but I’m addicted to trying anyway. It just makes me feel so good inside. And it will somehow probably lead to my death.

Also, how quietly Katy Perry is winning the Perry/Swift civil war is so Katy Perry. And as much as I like Taylor Swift I’m gonna be one of the first people off the boats at Normandy

Gary Clark Jr.

Gary, you're great and I'm sure that was lovely, but I gotta be honest, I was still Perry drunk for your whole performance.

Alicia Keys/Maren Morris

I feel like we as a society have failed Alicia Keys. She’s some parallel universe’s Beyonce.

And I had no real idea who Maren Morris was coming into tonight but I have a strong feeling her album sales just picked up significantly. So way to Ricky Martin that thing Maren!

Adele (George Michael tribute)

In an existential twist, messing up made that way better than it would have been had everything gone according to plan. (Wake up sheep! Adele’s Sound Issues were an inside job!)

And the in-the-moment confusion over how much of Adele’s post-song emotion was about George Michael and how much was about the restart is why there's still nothing quite like watching live TV.

Lady Gaga/Metallica

Wow Lady Gaga’s country phase sure just took a dramatic turn.

Pretty sure Lady Gaga is the first person to perform on the Grammys with both Metallica and Tony Bennett, but I’ll have to check on that. All I know is I’m looking forward to next year when she performs with Wu-Tang Clan.

Sturgill Simpson

Dwight Yoakum introducing Sturgill Simpson feels even more on the nose than Beyonce being introduced by her own mother.

After that performance Sturgill Simpson easily retains his title as My All-Time Favorite Live Performer That I Had Never Even Heard of Two Months Ago. Also there's literally nothing in life The Dap-Kings don’t make better.

The Bee Gees Tribute

I know that literally no one in the world needed or wanted that, but hey, good news, Little Big Town covering “How Deep Is Your Love” is now the official theme song of CBS. So there’s that.

A Tribe Called Quest and Friends

My review

1st Half: ….honestly? Kind of a mess.

2nd Half: ALL THE FIRE EMOJIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you kick it? I’m pretty sure you just did. The ONLY bright side to the next four years is the hope that we might get to experience even more shit like that.

Prince Tribute

Bruno Mars and The Time doing the Grammys' Prince Tribute is the occam’s razor of Prince tributes. It also feels like the last word. Although I also think we’d all be totally fine with just continuing to do Prince tributes forever.

Chance the Rapper

There was a 100% chance that was going to be transcendently great and indeed it was. I don’t believe in God, but Chance the Rapper is so great that he makes me think that I do.

John Legend/Cynthia Erivo

HOT TAKE SO HOT IT CAN MELT STEEL BEAMS: I’m over awards shows doing solemn In Memoriam segments.

Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!! James Cordon thought he could upstage Neil Portnow with his Neil Portnow intro but NOTHING CAN UPSTAGE NEIL PORTNOW! 

Real talk: At this point I legitimately don’t know if my excitement about Neil Portnow is even ironic anymore. This is my cry for help.

The fact that The Grammys ended the performance section of the night with In Memoriam and Neil Portnow

#ThatsSoGrammy

Grammys 2015, or I Think They've Given Up

I wasn't going to watch the Grammys this year but then I heard LL Cool J was hosting and I was like “sign me up!” Like nearly all Americans I just can’t get enough of musical superstar and acting great LL Cool J. And the fact that he would be attached to my favorite yearly TV event and the worlds most nonsensical and meaningless awards show, well, how could I resist?!?

As always, I know no one cares about or even watches the Grammys, but still, I love writing about it every year, so indulge me my thoughts here on each performance. Or dont. Whatever. This blog is free.

AC/DC
Even people at an AD/DC concert don’t want to hear a new AC/DC song but, hey, great way to kick off the Grammys!

Oh wait, now there are plastic light up devil horns for the crowd to wear? This NIGHT might be on a highway to hell…

(Also, has there ever been a less necessary cutaway than the cutaway to Dave Grohl banging his head to AC/DC? Dave Grohl is a Tenacious D character at this point.)

Ariana Grande
“Coming up next: A performance by Ariana Grande as you've never seen her before.”
So, a regular Ariana Grande performance then?

If the old adage is true that every generation gets the Mariah Carey they deserve, then this generation is fucked.

Tom Jones/Jessie J
Oh awesome, its 1963 Best Picture winner and charming British sex farce Tom Jones! Wait…never mind…it’s just some old dude. And Jessie J. Carry on then.

Also, STOP TRYING TO MAKE JESSIE J HAPPEN.

Miranda Lambert
I was raised on mainstream commercial country music, but usually country music performances at the Grammys mean its time for a bathroom break. That was pretty great though. That being said, was that even country music? I mean, what IS country music anymore? What is anything really? What is life? Why am I here? Is human existence even real? Is Miranda Lambert married to that judge from The Voice? So many questions raised by this performance.

Kanye
KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE

KANYE WEST IS PERFORMING ON LIVE TV. I NEED AN ALERT ON MY ON MY PHONE FOR WHEN KANYE DOES ANYTHING ON TV EVER. AWARDS SHOW KANYE IS THE BEST KANYE. THIS IS THE BEST KANYE. IT IS HAPPENING NOW. KANYE IS KANYE-ING.

THIS SONG IS GROWING ON ME. MAXIMALIST KAYNE IS MY FAVORITE KANYE BUT MINIMALIST KANYE IS GOING TO BE FASCINATING TOO.

WAIT NO KANYE IS ENDING. DONT END KAYNE.

LEGIT CHILLS WHEN KANYE LEFT AND THERE WAS JUST THAT BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING UP TO HEAVEN. BEAM OF LIGHT SHOOTING UP TO HEAVEN 2016!

Kayne is gone.

Madonna
Madonna doesn't get near enough credit for still being around and still being semi-relevant. Do you realize Madonna's debut album came out just three years after U2’s debut album. And yet people are still trying to pirate her music rather than bitching when they get it for free. And here she is performing a brand new song at the Grammys and it's enjoyable and people are into it (suck it AC/DC).

Anyway, good job Madonna. Hope you keep on keepin’ on.

Ed Sheeran
If the old adage is true that every generation gets the John Mayer they deserve, then this generation is doing great!

ELO
ELO is performing on The Grammys! I don't know why they're here, no explanation was given, but who cares, it's ELO!

OMG Paul McCartney was just clapping along with "Mr. Blue Sky". That's peak ELO! Jeff Lynne probably just came a little.

If you have one negative thing to say about this performance or ELO in general, stop reading this blog right now and never come back because you are a garbage person.

This is music's biggest night!!!!

Gwen Stefani/Adam Levine
To go from ELO to Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani is like going from winning the lottery to having a bird shit on your head.

Based on the evidence so far at The Grammys what kids are into these days is “songs that are boring”.

Wait, are Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani even people that the kids are into? Who is this supposed to be appealing to? I don't know anything anymore.

Hozier/Annie Lennox
Is the reason Hozier is so desperate to get to church is because he needs to pray for forgiveness for that performance?

I’m sorry. That was mean. I apologize for that Gotye. Or Hozier. Whoever you are. Anyway, congrats on the long illustrious career ahead of you.

Hey, speaking of long illustrious careers…Annie Lennox ladies and gentlemen!

Pharrell
Hans Zimmer playing electric guitar! A classical pianist! Choir singers in the aisles playing tambourines! Pharrell wearing a DIFFERENT funny hat! THIS is why the Grammys exist and what makes them great. Performers really trying something, risking looking ridiculous, and being awesome both despite and because of it.

Sadly, not nearly enough performances like that this year.

Obama
No! Obama, what are you doing?!?!? Don't come out against violence against women and girls. Now Republicans are going to SUPPORT violence against women and girls simply out of spite. Thanks for nothing Obummer.

(BTW Grammys, nice sentiment, but you do know you nominated Chris Brown for an award tonight right?)

Katy Perry
That was very good and powerful and the exact opposite of her equally awesome Super Bowl show and also unlike anything that Beyonce would ever use her performance time for. And don't even try and argue that she would, because you're wrong and you know it. I’m ride or die #TeamPerry.

(After that performance is maybe not the place to bring this up, but how amazing would it have been if Katy Perry had brought Left Shark as her date to The Grammys? Is there anything in awards show history that would have broken the internet more than that? Just a HUGE missed opportunity)

Lady Gaga/Tony Bennett
This is Neil Portnow’s wet dream. I’m sure he’s backstage pleasuring himself right now in fact. This performance should really just be the main picture at the top of the Grammys wikipedia page.

In all seriousness though, props to Lady Gaga for recognizing that her lane was being taken over from all sides and realizing that "normal" was the absolute weirdest place left to go. This is her version of normcore, and it’s pretty brilliant.

Stevie Wonder/Usher
Instead of honoring Stevie Wonder by having Usher sing why didn't they just have a bird shit on his head?

Eric Church
Ok, so, good year for country performances at the Grammys and Eric Church seems great, but what the hell was he trying to convey with those projections? Was he supporting the protesters who were fighting to change their hometowns? The whole point of the song seems to be anti-changing-your-hometown, but maybe the song is like his "Born in The USA" and I just need to listen to the lyrics more closely? I mean he couldn't be protesting against the protesters could he? It sure seems like maybe he is though? I dunno. It was a more muddled message than American Sniper, but still, I kinda dug it regardless.

Kanye/Paul/Rihanna
KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE KANYE

KANYE IS BACK (with Paul McCartney and some lady)

THIS IS GOING TO WIN ALL OF THE GRAMMYS NEXT YEAR. YOU CANT HAVE ANY GRAMMYS ADELE KANYE AND PAUL HAVE THEM ALL. IM KINDA WORRIED KANYE MIGHT BE ENTERING HIS “I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU” PERIOD BUT IM STILL GENERALLY OPTIMISTIC. DONT EVER DOUBT KANYE. KANYE CAN GET Paul McCartney TO STAND OFF THE SIDE OF THE STAGE WITH HIS MIC TURNED OFF WHILE KANYE PERFORMS. THAT IS THE POWER OF KANYE. KANYE DONT EVER STOP. EVER.

Sam Smith/Mary J. Blige
That was as good as I hoped it would be, but I really wish they'd let him perform on his own. If he’s big enough to be up for, and likely win, most of the major awards of the night then he should be big enough not to need a co-performer. Adele got to perform completely by herself her big Grammy year. And if the old adage is true that every generation gets the Adele that they deserve, then this generation is going to be pretty much exactly the same as the last one.

Sia
Its a shame Sia will never be at the Grammys again because I really want to see what her next gimmick would be. I know people are getting a little tired of her shtick, but I don't actually think its shtick and I really cant get enough of it. In a pop era in which everyone is trying to out-weird each other Sia is doing legit performance art that comes from a genuine place. I support it and I love that something like that was just on CBS.

Beck/Chris Martin
This performance is happening as I write this sentence and yet somehow I already don’t remember it. I love Beck, but him winning Album of the Year for an album featuring this song is like if Martin Scorsese had finally won his Oscar for “Hugo”

Neil Portnow
NEIL PORTNOW NEIL PORTNOW NEIL PORTNOW HOLY SHIT ITS NEIL PORTNOW BITCHES!!!!!!

SERIOUS QUESTION WHEN NEIL PORTNOW DIES DO THE GRAMMYS END FOREVER BECAUSE THE EARTH WILL IMPLODE AND ALL HUMAN LIFE WILL CEASE OR IS NEIL PORTNOW IMMORTAL? IM PRAYING THAT IMMORTALITY IS THE ANSWER. SERIOUS QUESTION TWO WHEN NEIL PORTNOW COMES ON STAGE DOES EVEN PRINCE STAND AND LOSE HIS SHIT? HE MUST RIGHT? TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF SUCH A POWERFUL SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT MAN IT MUST BE LIKE STARING INTO THE SUN. NEIL PORTNOW IS A GOLDEN GOD. NEVER CHANGE NEIL PORTNOW. NEVER.

Beyonce
Yeah, yeah, we get it Beyonce, you're a serious artist who can really sing. Good for you. But unless you're Adele or Sam Smith we don’t tune into the Grammys to watch people standing stationary singing songs we don’t know. This is not entertaining.

My Beyonce antipathy runs deep.

John/Legend Common
That was fine and the song is good and important but THATS YOUR GRAND FINALE?!? WTF Grammys? What the hell were you thinking? That was neither grand nor finale-like. Rather than going out with a bang The Grammys thought it would be better to leave people thinking “wait, was that the end?” This would have never happened if Neil Portnow was still alive.

Miscellaneous thoughts:
- I would pay good money for a five minute recording that was just different British people saying “Capitol Records”

- Anyone who thought for a second that Beyonce was winning Album of the Year knows nothing about the Grammys. I thought Sam Smith was winning, but Beck winning for Morning Phase was also super Grammy of them. Those were the only two possible options.

- “Stay With Me” was a lock for Song and Record of the Year. It couldn't have been more of a lock if Neil Portnow recorded it himself. And that's fine. It's a good song, it will never be embarrassing that it won, and it will hold up well. The Grammys have done WAY worse.

- Serious question: Is Prince the most popular living celebrity? Like if every celebrity in the world was in a room would Prince command the most attention and respect? Ever since Michael Jackson died it’s been unclear who our biggest celebrity is, but maybe now its Prince?

- RIP Pharrell’s hat. The Grammys giveth and the Grammys taketh away. This is like how Shakespeare died on his birthday.

- Why did they give out the biggest award of the night with 45 minutes left in the show? Its like if the Oscars gave out Best Picture then did a dance number and gave out Best Director and Best Original Screenplay. It makes no sense. Its like the ultimate admission by The Grammys that their awards are a ridiculous farce. Speaking of which…

- I love how the music started playing 30 seconds into the winners’ speeches. The message seemed to be “Get off the stage, people we’re ostensibly here to honor! Don’t you realize this whole thing is a total sham!”

- Come back soon Adele. A nation turns its bored eyes to you.

Daft and Punk'd: The Grammys 2014

The Grammys are insane and might very well be nothing more than one very long, cruel practical joke so here, read my breakdown of every single performance and the four major awards at the Grammys! Enjoy!

Beyonce and Jay-Z

“To kick off the Grammys…here’s a person not nominated for any individual Grammys tonight! So give a warm Grammy welcome to Beyonce and a disoriented old man!”

Nothing makes me happier than the fact that in Obama’s America the person who sang the National Anthem at the Presidential Inauguration is the same person who got bleeped at the Grammys while having sex with a chair. I may generally have mixed feelings about Beyonce, but I’m becoming more and more pro-Beyonce by the minute.

Lorde

#2014

Think piece idea: the embrace of minimalism in music by children of The Great Recession

Think piece idea II: the children are our future – not such a bad thing?

While Lorde may want to be called Queen Bee, I prefer to call her Fiona Apple. Also, is epilepsy a thing now? It’s so hard to keep up with what the kids are into these days.

Hunter Hayes

True story: Mark David Chapman only shot John Lennon so he wouldn’t have to live to see his quotes projected during a Hunter Hayes performance at the Grammys. It’s just a shame there was no one present in the building who cared about protecting John Lennon’s legacy. (Yoko Ono burn!)

Anyway, the fastest possible way to get me to leave the room to use the bathroom is to utter the sentence “Next up a powerful new ballad by Hunter Hayes”, but from what I caught of it I’m just glad someone finally had the courage and originality to write a song promoting the idea that the listener is special and has the power to overcome adversity. About time we had a song like that.

Katy Perry

I want to take Lady Gaga and rub her nose in Katy Perry’s performance while yelling “bad dog” until she feels bad about what she’s done.

I’m generally powerless to resist a good Katy Perry song, but it says everything about Katy Perry that the part of her performance she appeared to put the least amount of thought and energy into was the singing. And it was maybe a little too on the nose to set that performance in the pits of hell. But whatever, Juicy J was on the Grammys. I just hope when Katy Perry grows up she can be more like Lorde.

Chicago /Robin Thicke

Quiz: without cheating name a member of Chicago

While we’re doing quizzes, here’s a good ol’ SAT-style analogy

Grammys : VMAs :: Robin Thicke and Chicago : Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus

I don’t really know what my point is necessarily other than to say that anyone who thought the Miley Cyrus performance was the end of civilization as we know it should really watch that Chicago performance and then tell me which civilization seems more fun to live in. And I say this as someone who owns three Chicago albums.

Keith Urban/Gary Clark Jr.

Remember when pre-mainstream-fame Mumford and Sons got to perform with Bob Dylan at the Grammys? Gary Clark Jr. performing on the Grammys with Keith Urban is the exact opposite of that. By which I mean I’m really looking forward to bouncing my grandkids on my knee one day and telling them about the time I wasted five minutes of my life watching Gary Clark Jr. suffer through a Keith Urban song.

John Legend

Has anyone ever seen John Legend NOT at the Grammys? Pretty sure he lives at the Staples Center. And while the last 20 years may have seen the invention of the Internet and the iPhone, if John Legend is our Stevie Wonder then we have failed miserably as a people.

Taylor Swift

Not sure if Taylor Swift was performing at the Grammys or filming a shampoo commercial, but either way I thought it was pretty good. That being said, we take you seriously now Taylor. You can let the mean comments about that time you sang with Stevie Nicks go now. It would be cool next year for stage-Taylor Swift to be more like audience-Taylor Swift

Pink featuring Nate Ruess

Remember that time we tuned into a Cirque du Soleil show and a Pink concert broke out? By which I mean every awards show ever.

Fun fact: there was a shark in that audience that Pink just flew over
(Speaking of jumping the shark: Nate Ruess’ mustache)

Seriously though, I think Pink is a great performer and everything a pop star should be, I just wish she would get some new tricks already.

Ringo Starr

Good thing the Beatles’ legacy is literally impossible to soil because all I could think during that performance was "don’t let Ringo outlive Paul, don’t let Ringo outlive Paul…"

But really, please don’t let Ringo outlive Paul.

(Also, after that performance I feel certain that Pete Best is on even higher suicide watch than usual)

Kendrick Lamar/Imagine Dragons

I’m pretty sure Kendrick Lamar has never listened to an Imagine Dragons song, and I’m pretty sure their joint performance was a bit of a train wreck, but I’m also pretty sure I kind of loved it. And when during Kendrick’s last verse it appeared smoke was coming out of his microphone, well, that was totally apt.

For better or worse it’s performances like that that you can only get at the Grammys. They’re the whole reason we (and by “we” I mean I) tune in.

Kacey Musgraves

What if instead of having the Grammys we just had a Kacey Musgraves concert? Would anyone be opposed?

Two more Kacey Musgraves points:

1. I like Taylor Swift, but when Kacey Musgraves won Best Country Album I shouted SUCK IT TAYLOR SWIFT!!! Now Kacey has beaten Taylor and the circle of life begins anew.

2. Ten years from now nothing about these Grammys is going to seem dumber than the fact that Kacey Musgraves didn’t win Best New Artist.

(Are my Texas roots showing yet?)

Paul McCartney

I am an ardent and unabashed fan of Paul McCartney’s solo work but I think it’s telling that the only person they could get a shot of singing and dancing along enthusiastically to Paul’s song was his wife.

(Yoko Ono doesn’t count because it’s unclear if she was singing and dancing along or if she was just being Yoko Ono (Yoko Ono burn!))

Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard and Blake Shelton

Don’t know if it says more abot the Grammys or about hipsterdom that the hippest performance at the Grammys was Willie Nelson, Kris Kristofferson, and Merle Haggard. But gold star to whoever decided to cut almost exclusively to shots of rappers during it. Says a lot that Jamie Foxx seemed more into Merle Haggard than Taylor Swift and Taylor Swifts Dancing Friend did.

Daft Punk featuring everyone who is awesome

Okay, that made the whole night worth it. It was just as great as anyone could have predicted that it would be. Apparently when you get truly great people together to perform a truly great song great things happen. Who knew?

Sara Bareillis/Carol King

Did this happen? Was this a thing that happened? I have no idea if this actually happened or not. I might have dozed off.

Bruno Mars

While I was asleep I must have missed Bruno Mars’ performance. I mean this was the Grammys after all. You can’t have a Grammys without the Grammy mascot. There’s no way they would allow that. Right??? I’m sure he must have performed, so it’s a shame I missed my annual five minutes of being a huge Bruno Mars fan. Oh well. Back to complete and total indifference towards all things Bruno Mars. Til next year Bruno Mars…

Metallica/Lang Lang

The Grammys are Willie Nelson performing with Blake Shelton and the Grammys are also Metallica performing with classical pianist Lang Lang. The Grammys are all things. The Grammys contain multitudes. So once the shock of seeing Metallica on CBS wore off I realized that the performance was actually thoroughly Grammys, no matter how atypical the Metallica part of it appeared. In the end I’m not sure how I felt about it as a performance, but I’m glad it happened and that I saw it. Long live the Grammys!

“Same Love”

I’ll try and keep this brief…

As someone who considers Eminem performing on the Grammys with Elton John a seminal moment of his adolescence I had been looking forward to the performance of “Same Love” on the Grammys for months now because I recognized it’s potential to be a similar moment for a new generation. And in the end it exceeded even my highest expectations.

I don’t know that it’ll be a cultural moment of the magnitude that Eminem’s performance was, but I think that’s more due to the fractured nature of our culture than the performance itself. Because in the end, it was a performance that perfectly captured the power of music, and its possibilities as an agent of love and hope and change. Now I know snark and the Grammys go hand and hand (I mean, have you read everything up until now?) but if you have negative snarky things to say about this performance please stop reading my blog forever and go take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. And anyone who thinks the Grammys are a pointless waste of time needs to watch this performance and then shut the hell up forever.

Neil Portnow

NEIL PORTNOW!!! I LOVE THAT NEIL PORTNOW THINKS WE REMEMBER EXACT DETAILS OF HIS SPEECH FROM LAST YEAR. BECAUSE WE TOTALLY DO!!!! HOW COULD WE EVER FORGET YOUR SPEECHES NEIL PORTNOW?? YOU ARE THE HIGHLIGHT OF OUR LIFE! THAT’S WHY IT’S GREAT YOU POSITIONED YOURSELF RIGHT AFTER THE EMOTIONAL HIGH POINT OF THE EVENING. BECAUSE YOU ARE THE EMOTIONAL HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR!!!! NEVER CHANGE NEIL PORTNOW

Everly Brothers tribute

I wish I could go back in time to 1994 and try to explain to people how not weird it will seem when one day the lead singer of Green Day performs an Everly Brothers tribute at the Grammys. Who knew at the time what a pivotal song “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” would wind up being. Or maybe I just missed something and playing acoustic guitar with Miranda Lambert is the new punk.

Lindsey Buckingham, Nine Inch Nails, Dave Grohl, and Queens of the Stone Age

This was great but also seemed like it never really had a chance to get started. Right when it finally felt like it had some real momentum they cut to the credits. Which whenever you have a rocking performance that seems like it could really invigorate the whole evening it’s best to play the closing credits over it. Great job Grammys! Speaking of which….

THE  BIG FOUR AWARDS

(Okay so this first one wasn’t so great…)

Best New Artist

“Macklemore and Ryan Lewis meet the rap group Arrested Development. Arrested Development, meet Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.”

(Speaking of introductions, can a clip of Anna Kendrick wearing that dress while doing clever comedy bits play on a loop forever? Asking for a friend.)

---------

(But these next three awards…I mean you could make a legitimate case that these are the actual song, record, and album of the year. Not an embarassing choice among them, and in all three cases the best choice out of all of the nominees. Of course all this means is that next year all of the awards are going to go to Bruno Mars and Phil Collins.)

Song of the Year

The Grammys not giving Song of the Year to “Same Love”, the most Grammys song ever, is the most Grammy thing ever. If a white rapper collaborating with a female vocalist and live instrumentation for a positive song about human rights can’t win a Grammy then what can? An ever better song by a hip young outsider dabbling in a genre all her own, challenging the mainstream status quo?? It’s like I don’t even know you any more Grammys!

Record of the Year

Daft Punk remaining in character to receive their awards was the highlight of the night and will do way more for their sales, popularity, and notoriety with the public at large than reading a list of names could have done in a million years. Lady Gaga is so pissed that she’s not Daft Punk. And unlike Lady Gaga there’s a zero percent chance the popularity and success of this Daft Punk song will ever seem dumb.

Album of the Year

Well, we now live in a world where Daft Punk have won a Grammy for Album of the Year. We’ve come a long way since Vaughn Meader. I’d also just like to say that I called this one back in June. If I had bet money I would be a wealthy man. But also betting money on the Grammys is the ultimate form of insanity. So there’s that.

But with this win, here are the past four Album of the Year winners: Arcade Fire (The Suburbs), Adele (21), Mumford and Sons (Babel), and Daft Punk (Random Access Memories). No embarrassing clunkers in the lot and all albums that had real connection to the trends and popular music scenes of their day. Large numbers of people under the age of 40 own and enjoy each of those albums. And I know some people aren’t big on Mumford and Sons but each of those albums could make a legitimate claim as the best album of their respective years. I don’t know if it’s an extended fluke or a real trend. But it’s encouraging and I profoundly hope it continues. And on that note I’m now off to come to terms with Beyonce winning next year because it’s going to take me a whole year to be emotionally ready for it.

Gaga for GaGa : A Beyonce Manifesto

I’ll admit it. I’ve never been more wrong about anything than I was about Lady Gaga. Much like when I tried to guess the end of Titanic (hey how was I to know the boat was going to sink) the statement “Lady Gaga is a one-hit wonder if I have ever heard one” has become a constant source of ridicule and embarrassment. How was I supposed to know that a song about being so drunk you don’t even know what club you're at, was in fact the anthem for our times? How could I have known that a "dance music" artist would be the person to capture the zeitgeist? And what on earth would have led me to believe that some ridiculously costumed person with a stupid name would be the best thing to happen to mainstream music since Kurt Cobain? (I feel like that’s not even remotely true, but I like the sound of it so just go with me here)

Before we go any further I should say that I am fully aware that writing about Lady Gaga at this late date is very passé, but it has come to my attention several times recently that there are still people who don’t know that it’s okay to fully and unapologetically embrace her. So let me set the record straight: Lady Gaga is not a guilty pleasure, she’s just a pleasure. We all love her. All of us. It’s a thing. Not since we all decided that it was okay to like Justin Timberlake has someone so united the masses. Young and old, Brooklyn hipsters and Midwest housewives, black and white, Ga and ga, we all love us some Lady G. And if there’s anything I’m into in pop culture it’s consensus. So you know I’m down with anything as universally embraced as Lady Gaga. But what exactly is everyone embracing?

Well, they are embracing, pretty much, a performance artist in pop star clothing. Because although the music is great, it’s almost secondary to the Gaga experience. What did she wear, what did she do, what did she say? This is what we talk about when we talk about Gaga.

They are also embracing decadence and sexuality that’s a little risqué. A female artist with something to say. An individual, a provocateur, and, dare I say, an iconoclast. More than just an evolutionary Madonna, Gaga is a pop star for our times. And maybe even more than Obama, that says something very good about our times.

Because times were that the bland and the test-marketed and carefully controlled and micromanaged were popular. Last time there was a pop music explosion at the turn of a decade it was led by boy bands and Britney Spears. And when someone like Christina Aguilera tried to take control of their career back from their handlers they were branded as a dirty slut worthy of derision. Acts of personal individual expression were to be worn like a scarlet A on your barely-there shirt.

No, we wanted pretty people doing pretty things that were completely safe and unthreatening. We wanted prepackaged, prefab pop stars that didn’t challenge us in any way.

We wanted Beyonce.

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As many words I have typed over the years about Beyonce I have never really laid out in explicit terms why she bothers me so much, other than a generalized “she sucks and I hate her”. But now I don’t have to. Lady Gaga can make my case for me. Because she is, in every way, the anti-Beyonce. And this year’s Grammys highlighted why.

Beyonce tried her hardest to appear edgy and dramatic, but in the end it came off as calculated and disconnected, just like everything else about her. Since she burst onto the scene Beyonce has tried to remain as bland and neutral about everything as possible. She never says or does anything controversial or noteworthy because she doesn’t want to alienate anyone. Not only because doing so might hurt her record sales and her “brand”, but because then she would no longer be a bland cipher onto whom we can project whatever we want to see or whatever we want her to be. Do we want to see her as a regal princess who can serenade the President on election night or sing at the Oscars? Do we want her to be a woman scorned who can take out her anger on her trifling man in “Ring the Alarm”? Do we want her to be a bootylicious (yet classy) sex object? She can be all of those things because by remaining as bland as possible you can project onto her whatever you want to see. It’s all a brilliant strategic calculation by handlers, albeit one that ultimately rings false since this calculation is never acknowledged. But because Lady Gaga admits up front that she’s calculating and contrived it comes off as authentic. Because she calculates and contrives it all herself. She is true to who she is and so it rings true even if it’s all “false”. But because there is no real Beyonce, or at least one that any of us can perceive, she can’t come off as authentic. It’s why she’s a terrible actress. She doesn’t know how to be a real person, so she can only play at being a real person. “Oh I bet this will make me seem edgy.” “This will give people a sense of empowerment.” “I can play at ‘strength’ here.” But Gaga doesn’t give a fuck what people think. She only cares about what she thinks. Because she has thoughts and a vision and has done it all herself. It hasn’t been her Dad’s vision, or her handlers’ vision or the vision of her songwriters. No one has to go out of their way to explain that “this is all Beyonce’s vision” or give Barbara Walters interviews where they talk about how they are “doing it all themselves now”. That’s just self-evident with Gaga. She didn’t come from the female equivalent of a boy band. She wasn’t driven to be a success at a young age by a father who put her through a pop star boot camp. She came from years of performing in small clubs and in the downtown music scene despite opposition from her parents. She hasn’t gotten anywhere on her looks; in fact she’s willfully obscured them. I still don’t know for sure exact what she looks like. And she’s most certainly not a bland cipher onto which we can project whatever we want to see. She is a very specific vision on which we can see only her, nothing of ourselves. Except in our embrace of her. And in that we can see that we are weirder than we let on.

Are we fully ready to accept that though? Lady Gaga’s success is encouraging, but Beyonce is certainly still around. Even if she herself is feeling somewhat divided. Her sister is performing with Of Montreal and recording Dirty Projectors covers while her husband is increasingly willing to shill for any organization that will have him. So in a sense Beyonce’s world reflects the world at large. Which side will prevail? What is truly in store for the next generation of pop music? What message are we ready to accept?

Beyonce says, if you like me at all then you should have given me a ring symbolizing your lifelong devotion and commitment. Lady Gaga says, I’m drunk and dancing in this club so leave me alone; I’ll ride your disco stick when I feel like it okay? Lady Gaga obliquely references Hitchcock for no apparent reason; Beyonce explicitly references Charlie's Angels for purely commercial reasons. Beyonce is a “Survivor”; Lady Gaga hopes you can survive her. Lady Gaga wears a dress made of Kermit the Frogs, Beyonce wears a dress made by her mom. Lady Gaga will bleed on stage; Beyonce wouldn’t want the blood to get on her dress. Lady Gaga plays many of her own instruments; Beyonce can barely even write her own songs. Beyonce will advertise for literally anything; Lady Gaga will…well she probably would too. But she would, you know, like do it ironically or something.

Even though they may have recorded songs together, their missions and statements (and mission statements) couldn’t be more different. So it was fitting that their two albums were the two top contenders for Album of the Year at the Grammys. It gave us a chance to consider the two of them head to head and side by side. And to ask ourselves as a people once and for all - in the battle for good and evil, the battle for the soul of a nation and the top of the charts, who do we choose? Who wins? Who wears the crown as the voice of the new millennium, the new era, the new age in pop music? There’s only one answer, even though it may be two words. And those two words are of course: Taylor. Swift.

Thoughts on The Grammys

What has the world come to where I’m passionately rooting for Taylor Swift to win Album of the Year if for no other reason than to keep Beyonce from winning it? Is this a world where the only thing that keeps I Am Sasha Fierce from winning Album of the Year (yes the whole year) is a mainstream country music album written and performed by a teenager who can’t sing? Apparently it is. No offense to Taylor Swift, but is this really where we’re at as a people? Look, I realize the Grammys exist in some sort of strange alternate dimension, but even by their own ridiculous standards this year’s awards were laughably absurd. And worst of all, like the show itself, they weren’t even outrageously terrible enough to get outraged about. Usually I can count on something so egregious happening that I can get a whole half-page rant going the next day. And then I'll inevitably remember that the Grammys are completely invalid and irrelevant and that I’m the only person under the age of 50 who gives a fuck. But this year all the nominees were so completely mediocre that as long as I Am Sasha Fierce didn’t win Album of the Year I could literally not have cared less about what happened. And so, sure enough, right up until the last minute the one and only ridiculous thing the Grammys could do that would piss me off looked like it would actually happen. Somehow it didn’t, but the downside of that was that it meant that the proceedings were so thoroughly uninspiring that I barely had enough material to write a whole post. Even when the awards themselves blow the performances are usually compelling. Not so this year. But I knew the world would be outraged (outraged!) if I didn’t write something about an event that absolutely no one else cared about or watched. You would never forgive me. So I do this all for you....

Highlight: Pink
(Look, I think Pink should get more respect. I like what she's about. I’m a fan. But when Pink is the highlight of your awards show you might have a problem)

Lowlight: As always, Beyonce
(Or as I texted my friend: That might be my least favorite thing I’ve ever experienced in the history of my life)

Meh: Everything else
Okay, I guess I'll go more in-depth than that....

*Dear Lady Gaga and Elton John,
I have no idea what the fuck any of that was.
And I mean that in absolutely the best way possible.

*So what do the other two Black Eyed Peas do exactly? They don’t play instruments or sing and far as I can tell. What’s left?

*"Welcome to the future?" Really, Will.I.Am? So in the future people dance around on a stage unimaginatively singing their hit song at an awards show? Wow the future is CRRRRAAAZZZY.

*Very VERY high on the list of things I thought I’d never say: “Well done Jamie Foxx”

*And in an all-time great upset…Michael Jackson’s kids seem normal! How did this happen??

(Also, I’m pretty sure the Grammys just made up an award so they would have something to give Michael
Jackson. I think the name of the award was, no joke, something to the effect of The Michael Jackson Lifetime Achievement Award. Michael Jackson won the Michael Jackson Award? I did not see that one coming.)

*Man, that Quentin Tarantino is so understated. What a wallflower.

*Someone explain Drake to me. What’s next, Kenan & Kel becoming a respected rap duo who are taken seriously by the hip-hop community? Why is no one calling bullshit on this? Somewhere Tupac is rolling over in his theoretical grave. And by “somewhere” I mean “his house”.

*Continuing my regular uncalled for and unwarranted attacks on Stephen Colbert, he did a really weak job. Jon Stewart can host the Oscars and Colbert can’t even handle a few minutes of jokes at the Grammys. Check and mate my friend. (Stewart 4 Life!)

*In terms of things I look forward to every year, Neil Portnow at the Grammys is the exact opposite of Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes.

*YES! Bon Jovi gets to play not 1, not 2, but 3 songs. I can’t…wait?

*Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dates a woman who looks either great or hideous depending on the light? That woman was Katy Perry.

*I think my favorite part of the Dave Matthews performance was when he invited the kitchen sink up on stage.

*Man I really miss Kanye. It’s just not the Grammys without him. If he had appeared out of nowhere to storm the stage as Taylor Swift was accepting Album of the Year it would have definitely been the greatest moment in television history. It would have made the moon landing look like the 2005 NBA Finals.
Alas.

*Lastly: Maybe my high school experience was different than yours, so I could be way off base here, but in what high school is a statuesque blond with model good-looks who writes and performs her own music considered an undesirable dork? I mean who is this cheerleader that her friend prefers to her? Megan Fox? Is this the most attractive high school class in recorded history? I just don’t buy for a second that there’s some teenage boy who says to Taylor Swift, “you know, I know that we have similar taste in humor and music and that you’re really into me and all, but I’m sorry I’m just not attracted to you, what with your T-shirt and sneaker wearing and all.” Who is this boy? Teenage George Clooney? It’s all utterly implausible.“You Belong With Me” is to Taylor Swift what “Bad” is to Michael Jackson. And no one can tell me different.

I Hate Entertainment

You know what I don’t want when I turn on fake awards shows that are known for being edgy and controversial? I don’t want anything edgy or controversial to happen. I especially don’t want anyone to be rude or discourteous to anyone else. I wouldn’t want anyone like say Chris Rock or Sarah Silverman or Russell Brand for example, to say or do anything disparaging about anyone else in attendance. Because I hate when people are “rude” to others. Everyone should be nice and civil above all else. Those are the qualities we all look for in our entertainment. That’s why no one likes Eminem or buys his music. Because he’s so rude. I mean thank God he has never said anything mildly disparaging at any point about any teenage female pop singers because then I would really be outraged and rant to boycott him. Because we all know that teenage girls are weak helpless creatures who cant possibly be expected to react well when someone interrupts them while they are speaking. They can sell out Madison Square Garden sure. Or headline a worldwide concert tour. But handle being interrupted and disparaged? No way! How Taylor Swift didn’t just curl up into the fetal position and start crying I’ll never know. Because she’s like a precious piece of very fragile glass. All teenage girls are. We shouldn’t expect anything else from them. I mentioned she’s a teenage girl right? So we should pity her and always be nice to her no matter what. I mean all she did was chose to show up to the VMAs. Its not like she signed up to be a part of some edgy and often uncivil event. Its not like she decided to come to a place where people have ever starting fighting in the audience or interrupted each other’s acceptance speeches before. And when you have Kanye West at an event as civil and classy as the VMAs how could she ever predict he would do something like what he did? It was shocking really. And you know who would never do anything like that? Beyonce. Because she is nice, or classy, or some other adjective that is in no way a polite way of saying “bland personality-less cipher”. She would never use her words or actions to entertain us in some spontaneous way that wasn’t choreographed and rehearsed and test marketed to within an inch of its life. She would never speak her mind to say that a video that was a cultural phenomenon and an iconic work deserved to beat a completely average and conventional video that no one even knew existed. Beyonce wouldn’t care about the right artistic works being properly recognized and she certainly wouldn’t advocate for her friend. Because she is a nice person. And thank God for that.

But you know who is not a nice person and would totally do all those things? Kanye West. And I really wish he hadn’t done them because then no one would be talking about him and certainly no one would be talking about an otherwise boring and meaningless awards show. Hey remember all those VMAs when no one did anything scandalous or tacky? Yeah neither do I. And that’s how I like it. So shame on you Kanye for keeping us from that. I really wish I could have heard all of Taylor’s boring, unentertaining reading of a list of names for an award that doesn’t mean anything and that no one cares about. Way to ruin a perfectly boring moment Kanye! I think we all as a nation agree that we wish as an entertainer you would stop doing things that are so entertaining. That’s not what being an entertainer is about after all. It’s about being nice at all times.

When it comes to entertainers, I only like the ones who seem like nice people who I can sit down and have a beer with. That’s how I decide whom to vote for in elections too. Not the best candidate, but the one that seems the nicest. And so it is with entertainers. I don’t like the ones who entertain me; I only like the ones who seem like nice, uninteresting people. Complex, controversial figures are really of no interest to me. In fact I hate them. Besides Kanye other celebrities I don’t like include anyone who has ever have cheated on their spouse, neglected their kids, broken the law, endangered the lives of others, or treated those around them terribly. Because those things are also not nice. And so I am equally as outraged by all of those activities as I am by Kanye West interrupting a speech at an awards show. Remember how I always tweet about my outrage whenever any of those other things happen? So while I am rightly angered by Kanye’s behavior, all of you heartless people who like being entertained by your entertainers, you can just save your outrage and indignation for something more important that you feel actually matters.

Like the Emmys.

Live Free or Die

As some of you may know, but as most of you probably don’t, "Live Free or Die" is the motto of New Hampshire. Although I think “We’re like Vermont only totally lame” was probably a close second when it came time to vote on the issue. But really you can’t be totally lame with an awesome state motto like that. Why do I bring this all up you ask? Because I like geography and want to educate you about our states? Well yes, but that’s not the main reason. Because I like random trivia and meaningless minutia about shit that doesn’t even remotely matter? Well yes, but that’s not it either. No, its because I recently came back from spending three weeks in apparently the newer of the two Hampshires. And by “recently” I mean “almost a month ago”.
So why has it taken me this long to update the journal you ask? (Boy, aren’t you full of questions today!) Well the answer is that I’ve been quite busy. And by quite busy I mean “not busy at all”. But better late then never I always say.
Actually I don’t know if I’ve ever said that before.
But I’m saying it today.
Or whatever day you’re reading this on.
Wow this is really off to a terrible start. You know what? I think I’m just gonna start typing in Spanish. I mean no one still reads this thing anyway. Reading Fred is like SO six months ago. Mi gusta tacos. Mis zaptaos es roja. Donde es el bano? Shakira.
……
Okay, now as a way to shed my few remaining readers who survived that, allow me to tell you a little about life on the road in New Hampshire.
Before I went to New Hampshire I used to always get it confused with Vermont. And when I would confuse them I would think, “well who cares, they’re basically the same place anyway”. This could not be further from the truth. Although they are a pair in many ways Vermont is FAR better than New Hampshire. New Hampshire is like the Garfunkle to Vermont’s Simon. The Alex Winter to its Keanu Reeves. The other guy in Wham! to its George Michael. Vermont is full of hippies, hipsters, and gay people. So basically it’s just like New York only in the mountains and beautiful. New Hampshire was full of motorcycle wearing hillbillies. When I was shopping at a New Hampshire area Wal-Mart there were so many rednecks there that I was literally in shock. And keep in mind I spent the fist 18 years of my life in Texas. I takes A LOT of rednecks to shock me. And I was shocked. Severely shocked. So that pretty much sums up New Hampshire. Rednecks, motorcycles, and shopping at Wal-Mart. Oh yeah, and vanity license plates. Can’t really explain that one. But whatever.

Enough about the state itself. What was it like to travel around it and bring the magic that it Shakespeare to its denizens? Well in all seriousness it was wonderful. But it also exposed me to a lot of things that I should never be exposed to for prolonged periods of time. Besides rednecks this list also includes the radio, free time, and other people. What follows are all the results of over exposure to all three. You have been warned.

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*There are few worse than riding in a car on a long road trip with people who have terrible taste in music. Perhaps the only thing worse is riding in a plane on a long rip with people who are snakes.

*If you have ever told someone that you are “really into independent music” then you might be a douche bag. Same goes double for anyone who is really into stage combat.

*“The Great Salt Lake” by Band of Horses is definitely the best song ever written about The Great Salt Lake. Somewhere, in whatever neighborhood in Brooklyn is trendy this week, Sufjan Stevens is very jealous.

*If you’re going on a road trip anytime soon might I suggest the Elizabethtown soundtrack as musical accompaniment? Shocking that it would make good road trip music, as it’s the soundtrack to a movie about a guy who takes a road trip. And yes I realize the term “guy” pretty loosely as I am in fact talking about Orlando Bloom.

*While we’re on the subject of Cameron Crowe I would just like to state for the record that comparing Singles to Reality Bites is like comparing Bio Dome to The Godfather.

*After being turned onto "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by my sister I think it is now safe to say that Max Martin and Kelly Clarkson are to pop music what Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro are to movies. And yes I did just say that.

*I’m feel pretty sure I might be going to hell for saying this, but that new Jessica Simpson song is pretty catchy isn’t it?

*I think it’s interesting now in the K-Fed era to consider the fact that Britney Spears’ biggest song was called “Hit Me Baby One More Time”

*On a more serious music note I have an apology of sorts to make. I know over the years I have made many, MANY jokes about Beyonce. And make no mistake I still hate her with a passion. But I now firmly believe that her and Jay-Z are the Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward of our time. I know Jay and B aren’t even married yet but if I had to wager on which current celebrity couple will still be together in 40 years I would put all my money on those two. And I’m basing all of this on a Rolling Stone interview I read with him, a 5 second clip of them on stage together from the Fade to Black DVD, and her new song "Déjà Vu". Granted that’s not much to go on, but yet I could not possibly feel more certain about this issue. Sometimes you can just tell. So I guess in a round about convoluted way that’s an apology of sorts for all the mean things I’ve ever said about Beyonce. So there.

*On an even more serious musk related note I present:
This Week’s Sign of the Apocalypse
or
Reason #2135 That We’re All Screwed
What the People Riding in My Car One Night Thought About the Following Radio Selections as Judged by Whether or Not They Changed the Station Immediately or Continued to Listen to Said Selection (A Side By Side Comparison)

Note: I swear I am not even remotely making this up. I only wish I was.

Not Worth Listening To
The Beatles
“Dani California” – The Chilli Peppers
“American Pie” – Don McLean
Marvin Gaye
The News

Worth Listening To
Natalie Imbruglia
“Dont Cha” – The Pussycat Dolls
Some electronica song that sounded like Satan vomiting
Cher
Two guys arguing about who left a porkchop on the coffee table

*I have never been more wrong about anything than when I said that Will Farrell was making a big mistake leaving SNL. And if you didn’t see Talladega Nights in theaters you really should have. It may have only been the second best NASCAR themed movie this summer, but any movie that can be good and still have John C. Reilly in it is a pretty good movie. Although I feel it won’t work nearly as well watching it on video at home by yourself. Still, if there were Oscars for comedy, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress would already be wrapped up tight by Will Farrell, Sasha Baron Cohen and Amy Adams.

*Speaking of Sasha Baron Cohen, I had never before gone from having absolutely no interest in seeing a movie to wanting to see it at the first showing the night it comes out in the span of 2 minutes before, until I saw the Borat trailer for the first time. I mean this looks like it has a more than good chance to enter the comedy pantheon with Holy Grail, The Jerk, Spinal Tap, The South Park Movie, and Wet Hot American Summer. It might be the funniest trailer of all time. Here, I’ll even provide a link so all you have to do is click on it. That’s how much I care about you seeing this trailer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fq_fzdEk0r8
November 2006. Learn it, love it, live it.

*On the flip side I had the complete opposite reaction upon seeing the Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny trailer. My love affair with Tenacious D might prove to be VERY short lived.

*Why does Hal Ashby not get more respect? I mean outside of Coppola no director had a better or more consistent body of work in the 70’s. Harold and Maude, The Last Detail, Shampoo, Bound for Glory, Coming Home and Being There. Granted not exactly blockbuster mainstream films, but all of them classics in their own right and all of them except for Harold and Maude nominated for multiple Oscars. And then after those films, he died. Meaning he never made film that wasn’t a classic. He’s like the John Cazale of directors. And plus without Hal Ashby there would probably be no Wes Anderson. And without Wes Anderson there would be no Noah Baumbach. And without Noah Baumbach there would be no The Squid and the Whale. And without The Squid and the Whale there would be absolutely nothing redeeming about Laura Linney. So I think it’s about time we all gave Hal Ashby his due.

*And finally, the word the day: vituperative.
Does it even really matter what it means? It just sounds fucking cool to say. And sometimes thats all that matters.

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Thoughts had after coming BACK from New Hampshire That I Would Like to Share Now As Well:

*Has a movie ever made literally made zero dollars?
Well if one hasn’t the Apocalypto will be the first. I mean it s almost like the plot from The Producers come to life. Could you possibly come up with a less marketable movie than a movie with no stars, completely in Ancient Mayan, and written and directed by Mel Gibson? I honestly don’t think it would be humanly possible to come up with a movie the general public would less like to see. I think more people would buy tickets for Adolph Hitler Strangles Kitties at this point.
And if Apocalypto DOES somehow manage to make a single dollar, then Infamous is the next best bet to achieve the $0 total gross. All I can think is that this must have been the way it was pitched to the studios:

“If there’s one thing I know about the average American movie goer its just they cant get enough of Truman Capote. And Capote was such a smash hit that it left most Americans clamoring for a nearly identical movie to be released almost immediately! Only they wanted this version to be even gayer. Well their prayers are about to be answered answered. Now they can watch an inferior retelling of the events that Capote covered only with some dude they never heard of playing Capote AND they get to see him make out with Daniel Craig. Just what America has been waiting for!”

*You heard it here first: Eddie Murphy will be nominated for Best Supporting Actor. Just trust me on this one. And I’m also gonna say that Helen Mirren is NOT going to win Best Actress. She’s peaking WAY too early. My money is still on Annette Benning. Not that you even remotely care about any of this.

*I already miss the World Cup.

*I think the time has come for me to weight in on the “What album of the past does Idlewild best compare to” debate. Now I’ve read the comparisons to Tusk and of course In Utero. And my roommate wisely compared it to “The Secret Life of Plants, only good”. And I have to say, although it seems like a cop out, it really is a little of all three.

*Where exactly did sexy go to? I was unaware that it had left. And is it just me, or was anyone else hoping "Sexyback" would was a song about the sex appeal of backs. I mean backs are highly underrated as far as the sexy goes.

*I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned my love of the movie Primary Colors before, so I will do that now. I love Primary Colors. It is not only one of my top 10 favorite movies it is probably the best political movie ever made. It is to political movies, what the Spitzer for Governor ads are to political ads. They just blow the competition out of the water. Primary Colors sheds light on the whole political system, provides hope and inspiration in these dark times, and makes me profoundly sad that I missed out on the Clinton years. And as an actor I love the movie too. Adrian Lester is great, I'd argue its Travolta’s best post-70s work, and Kathy Bates’ final confrontation scene is some of the best acting ever committed to film. And I say this as someone who generally thinks Kathy Bates sucks. But its really profoundly good work. So if I had to pitch the movie here’s what Id say- “Primary Colors: The move that shows what the best of politics and acting are all about”.

*If there’s anything I enjoy more than Primary Colors its cereal. And that being said let me just tell you that Strawberry Delight Frosted Mini-Wheats are the best thing to happen to cereal since Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

*I have much more to say about Bill Maher at a later date but I just wanted to throw this out there now: his guests for this week include both Pat Buchanan and Gloria Steinmen. I don’t think I’ve ever been literally scared to watch a TV show before.
You have been warned.
(And if you don’t think I have lots to say about Christopher Hitchens’ appearance on the show two weeks ago then clearly you don’t know me)

*And finally (for real this time)
As you should hopefully know, Chuck Klosterman’s new book Klosterman IV came out this past week and you should go pick up a copy. Ill share my thoughts on it later but since we’re on the topic of Bill Maher I thought I should direct you attention to an interview he did with Klosterman for Amazon.com.
Here’s the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Chuck-Klosterman-IV-Curious-Dangerous/dp/0743284887/ref=pd_sim_b_5/103-3147617-4613409?ie=UTF8

Some great points are raised of course:
1.) I swear to God I was going to write something similar about Britney vs. Christina myself
2.) So true about Lou Reed
3.) I think I side with both of them regarding the Rolling Stones if that’s possible.

But most importantly, after watching the interview, click on the link for his music recommendations. Read it not so much for the recommendations themselves but for how ridiculously well written they are. I guarantee you Dostoevsky couldn’t have written a list of music recommendations that well.

*Until next time…live free or die

They Didnt Rock

“Overall, the only thing I'm disappointed about is that there were no disappointments.”- Carlyn Kautz

I really enjoyed the VMAs last night. Chris Rock’s monologue was great. It was good to see Jay-Z and P. Diddy and Prince. There were even some movie stars there too. Like Adam Sandler and Mike Myers. Santana’s performance was good. And Beyonce’s performances were, well, they were Beyonce performances. It was cool how the floor lit up and how the set was really busy with lots of TV screens and things moving around and shiny distractions. There was even a hilarous and highly original pre-taped bit where Chris Rock talked to regular people at a movie theater. All in all I went to bed afterwards thinking it was one of the best VMAs in years. And then I woke up this morning and started reading the news and it turns out that that wasn’t the VMAs at all! That was the Oscars. Who knew! Well I guess I have to amend the quote from Carlyn I used to open then. I do have one more disappointment: The whole show.

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The thing with the Oscars is that they are an awards show. They exist solely for the purpose of handing out awards. This is their only reason for being. Not to provide entertainment to the masses, but to present awards to deserving members of the film community. This is also why we watch them, because we enjoy seeing all of these people win their awards. We enjoy the whole thing: the reading of the names, the celebration when the winner is announced, the walk to the podium and the speech. Its not just about who wins, its about the whole process of winning. (I think you know where this is headed…) This year though, (stay calm Andy…) the producer of the telecast wanted it to move quicker, so he eliminated that pesky step of people having to walk very far to receive their awards. Now, as I just got done saying, the Academy Awards, as their name indicates, are an awards show. And if the show exists solely to hand out awards THEN WHY ARE THEY SHAVING TIME OFF THE PRESENTING OF THE AWARDS?!? That’s the whole reason we’re watching is because we want to see people win awards!!! Who cares if we don’t know any of the sound editors or costume designers who were nominated; they still deserve awards as much as the actors and writers and I would still like to watch them receive said awards with all the same fanfare as the people I AM familiar with! If I didn’t want to watch them win their awards then I WOULDN’T BE WATCHING AN AWARDS SHOW! I would be watching Desperate Fucking Housewives. This new change just completely baffles me. I mean they used to have the Oscars in a ballroom and Im sure the Academy was just fine with that. But then they realized other people might be interested in their awards so to be nice they allowed us to watch at home as audience members. And what do we do in return? (and by “we” I mean Gil Cates, the guy in charge of the telecast) We start choosing to treat over half the nominees like second class citizens and try to suggest to them that their awards don’t matter and we’d rather that they just be over quickly. As an true Oscar fan knows, its actually good there’s all the smaller awards in the show because if it was four straight hours of Best Actor-level awards it would be a little too overwhelming. The smaller awards create balance and allow the show to build to a climax. Which also brings up the point this year of: what was up with the awards order this year? Full Length Documentary was given out like an hour before Documentary Short Subject. Adapted Screenplay was presented in the first hour and then they didn’t do Original Screenplay until the very end. Plus most importantly, what was with Supporting Actress? I think since the beginning of recorded time it has always been the first award given out. But they did Art Direction before it this time. What was the point of making such a minor change for no apparent reason? (And yes the fact that this bothers me is a very strong sign I need to get a life…) Maybe they wanted to show off their new form of degradation for the technical nominees as soon as possible. I swear if they hand out awards in the audience again next year Gilbert Cates will be a dead man. I understand he wants the show to move faster and end sooner but this was too much. Besides, I don’t know of anyone who really likes the Oscars who wishes they were over sooner. Me personally, I wish they went on all day. Of course TV critics and casual fans bitch every year about how long and boring the show is, but what can anyone do about that? If you don’t like seeing people get awards THEN DON’T WATCH! I know the show wants to attract new viewers, but they can't be something they're not. No matter how they try to spice it up they are an awards show and Cleatus The Truck Driver is never going to watch a Hollywood awards show where people are dressed in gowns and tuxes. Plus, did they really think their changes would help? You think Cleatus was passing by a TV and thought, “Hey I used to hate these awards but now I see that they’ve cut out the part where the technical winners have to walk all the way to the stage! Now they get to accept their awards at a microphone right next to their seat in the middle of the audience! Wow, I wasn’t going to watch these awards but now that they’ve shaved 10 seconds off each of the technical winners receiving their awards I’ll watch and I’ll love it!” No matter what you try and do Cleatus will just never give a shit about Sideways and Million Dollar Baby. So why try? Focus on what you do well and don’t try to be everything to everyone. You would have thought the Academy Awards would have learned this in high school, but some entities just never learn I guess. That’s why the whole Chris Rock thing was so misguided. While I thought he was hilarious, could he have been any more out of place? They were trying to put Chris Rock in a situation he didn’t belong in. You don’t bring a profane edgy comic to run the oldest, most tradition bound awards show around. It would be like getting George Carlin to MC a debutant ball. George Carlin is maybe the greatest comic alive but he doesn’t belong around fancy hairdos and tuxedos. And neither does Chris Rock. If it wasn’t clear from his opening monologue that mentioned none of the nominees (and sounded just like he was doing his standup act only with situation appropriate names inserted into it) that Rock was a bad choice to host, then it became crystal clear during the Johnny Carson tribute. Watching it I kept thinking: is there any way that that no matter how many more times Chris Rock might host the show that I could see them giving him his own separate tribute the year he dies? And the answer is a resounding no. He’s just not an Oscar host. Extremely smart and funny? Yes. Oscar host? No. To be fair, I enjoyed the show on a pure entertainment level more this year than I have the past two years and some if it was a direct result of Rock’s involvement. But at what cost is that entertainment? Not a cost anyone should be willing to pay. You can make changes to the Oscars, like when they took out the dance numbers a few years back, but you can’t make it something its not. The Oscars are not, and never will be, the VMAs, nor should they be. But unfortunately it seems that Hollywood’s obsession with youth has now extended to their awards shows. But as Clint Eastwood showed, younger and hipper isn’t always better. Sometimes old, crotchety and wrinkled is better.
Or at least that what I tell your Mom…

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Since I’ve already shared plenty of my views on who should win in my last entry, and since everyone I predicted would win DID win, I don’t really have anything to say about the awards themselves without being repetitive. But I do still have a few other things to share:

RANDOM THOUGHTS
-For two years in a row now there have been no upsets in any of the major categories. Some people have complained about this but I fail to see how those complaints are valid. Usually the person who is picked to win is picked as such because that is whom the greatest number of people have said they are going to vote for and because that nominee has the most “buzz” around them. So if they are the person the greatest number of people seem to prefer as the winner, then how is them losing a good thing? It makes for good TV for the two minutes it is actually happening, but then for all eternity we’re stuck with something like Adrien Brody beating Daniel Day Lewis for Best Actor. And I don’t see how something like that is worth two minutes of good TV.

-You know you’re in Hollywood when Peter Ustinov gets more applause than Ronald Reagan.

-Am I the only one who thinks it would be funny if you made a documentary about midgets and then submitted it as a nominee for Documentary Short Subject?

-Its been a fun ride Hilary Swank, we’ll see you again in 2020 when a screenwriter gets around to writing another butch, trashy, unattractive role for a lead actress.

-The less that is said about the Star Jones Preshow/Parade of Black People the better. I only wish Marlon Wayans had been there just so Star could have shoved Clint Eastwood aside to interview him. And also so that then Clint would have become so angry that he would kill Damon Wayans. And Star Jones. Now if he did THAT I would support giving him major awards…In short, who would have ever thought someone would make you long for the days of Joan Rivers? Or that a feeling of longing and Joan Rivers would ever be mentioned together in the same sentence?

-So Johnny Carson get his own tribute but not Marlon Brando? Makes sense I guess since Johnny was a TV host and Marlon Brando was merely the greatest actor of all time and revolutionized movie acting while winning two Academy Awards in the process...

-As someone (I can’t remember who) commented on, affirmative action is now officially out of hand. When you’re inviting people to the Oscars who have nothing to do with movies simply because they are black that’s when its out of hand. It’s almost patronizing to get Usher and P. Diddy to come just because they needed some black people in the audience and because they wanted to seem hip. The black people were coming out of the woodwork though. Even Prince and Oprah were there who I think both still technically qualify as black.

-Speaking of psuedo-black people remember when we all had to pretend like Halle Berry was a legitimate actress? I’m glad that’s over.

-Morgan Freeman waited 20 years to give THAT speech?

-I think all awards shows should be required to have an appearance by Robin Williams. Really all things in life should be. Think how much more fun a colonoscopy would be with Robin Williams there.


RANDOM QUOTES
- Carlyn: “Is Beyonce hiding refugees in her thighs?”

-Al Pacino about Sidney Lument: “Sidney told me where to go and what to do.”
Me: “Wow sounds like he must have been an amazing director”

-Carlyn after Hilary won Best Actress: “This is why people go to terrorist training camps”

-Me regarding Pierce Brosnan being sick while presenting: “Well if he dies on the spot at least Clive Owen is already in the building”

-Will during the Star Jones preshow: “Are we watching B.E.T.?”
-Will during the actual Oscar telecast: “Are we watching B.E.T.?”

BEYONCE
Sometimes there is just too much to say…
As if it weren’t bad enough that three of songs were all sung by the same person, that person had to be Beyonce! Seriously out of every single person in the entire world I cant think of anyone I would less like to have sing ONE song, let alone THREE. This is the same person who once sang the immortal lyric to end all immortal lyrics: “Charlie how your angels get down like that”. And it took like 8 people to write that song! Is there a more worthless person who is yet taken seriously? Today someone asked me “why did Beyonce sing three songs?” to which my reply, as you might imagine, was “why does she even exist?” And I think that about sums it up. Beyonce’s existence as a human being is suspect, so WHY IS SHE SINGING THREE SONGS AT THE OSCARS?!? Is she the only singer in the greater Los Angeles area?!? Before even asking why Beyonce sang three songs I think a bigger issue is why any one person sang three of the songs themselves. Especially if they were involved with NONE of them?!? I remember back in the day (meaning like two years ago) when the people who sang the song in the movie performed the song at the Oscars. Call me crazy, but this seems like this makes the most sense. I mean why not let the nominees do it themselves? If you liked them well enough to nominate them, shouldn’t you like them well enough to let them sing in public. I really don’t understand. It would be like nominating Green Day for a Grammy and then having Elton John perform for them on the Grammys. It makes no sense! And as for Beyonce, it’s not even like any of the songs were hip-hop related or even close to it. The Josh Grobon duet is the only one that makes even a modicum of sense for her to be within 100 yards of. I mean, her first song was in French! Yes that’s right, it was written for and performed in the movie by a French boys choir! Is Beyonce a young boy? No. More importantly, does Beyonce speak French? No. Of course not. She had to sing it phonetically. WHAT?!? Are there no French people in the entire world who can sing?!? Isn’t there any singer who at least knows French and therefore knows what the words mean that they are singing? Isn’t Johnny Depp dating a famous and hugely successful French language pop singer who happened to be sitting on like the third row? Someone please fucking explain this to me! WHY BEYONCE?!? Even worse, was having her sing the song from Phantom of the Opera. What could be worse than her singing a song written in another language for a young boy you ask? Well for starters, her singing a song that had to be rewritten specifically to fit her vocal range. Why are we rewriting songs specially for her? Is she fucking Pavarotti? Did I miss the memo? If we are going to hire someone to sing the song and we have EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE ENTIRE PLANET TO CHOSE FROM why are we choosing someone whose RANGE IT DOES NOT FIT?!? And even more important than that, the song was sung in the movie by Minnie Driver. Last time I checked, Minnie Driver was movie star. Minnie Driver in fact is a past Oscar nominee. And last time I checked this was also the Oscars, a show designed specifically to honor and celebrate movie stars. It seems like it would make perfect sense for Minnie Driver, a well known movie star, to sign her own song at the “movie star awards”. I mean wouldn’t that make PERFECT sense?!? Of course it would!!! So then explain to me why an UNTALENTED PUTRID MASS OF HUMAN EXCRIMENT SANG IT FOR HER?!?!? Please someone just kill Beyonce for me. I don’t even care if the government and/or Jay-Z can read this right now, someone just please kill her for me and put us all out of our misery. Thank you.
That is all for now.