As summer slowly starts its fade into fall, as the leaves begin to think about changing, as the sun fades, and the joy and lightness of summer inexorably give way to the depth and chill of winter one thing still remains, and will, apparently, always remain.
Seasons come and go; Katy Perry is forever.
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If anyone ever seemed like a one-hit wonder waiting to happen it was Katy Perry. When “I Kissed A Girl” first appeared in summer of ’08 I would have bet my life savings on that being the only song we ever heard from the bland cipher with the bland name singing it. But here we are two years later, two years which by the way saw only a handful of weeks without a Katy Perry single in the top 10, and there appears to be no stopping the somewhat majestic mystery that is Kathryn Hudson. Majestic because she just last week tied the King of Pop by having five singles from the same album hit #1. And a mystery because, how? And why? And who? No , seriously, who is she? And who are her fans? Has anyone ever in history said – “Yes, a Katy Perry concert!!”? And if so, who? And why? I mean what is there to attach yourself to as a fan? Even Britney Spears at 17 had more of a persona and personal story than Katy Perry. So how in the age of individualism and personal expression did the non-descript sexpot win out? How in the era of over-sharing is, statistically speaking, the biggest pop star in the country someone we know almost nothing about? And WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT KATY PERRY??? And why aren’t we talking about her more? And, really, did we ever start?
Now that’s a lot of questions I know. More questions than anyone has likely ever asked about Katy Perry. But considering her latest album just achieved the distinction of having more #1 hits than Thriller and Rumours COMBINED, maybe we should start asking some questions. Like, for example, who the hell does she think she is taking over out pop charts like that?
Well since she’s not here to answer for herself, and since her answer likely wouldn’t be that interesting anyway (because nothing she says ever is), allow me to answer for her. Because I think I know who Katy Perry is: she’s a teenage dream.
-----------------------
Here is the complete list of things most people might even potentially know about the biggest selling and, technically, most popular pop star alive: she was raised in an incredibly sheltered environment by religious nut-job parents; she started her music career as a Christian act; she’s married to Russell Brand; she possibly had a brief dalliance with Elmo; and she has very, shall we say, supple bosoms. Oh, and her music is catchy as shit. I mean "Teenage Dream" makes "Party in the USA" sound like Wilco's "Less Than You Think" And that’s not even her biggest hit. But should the catchiness of her music make the complete lack of anything particularly interesting or noteworthy about her totally irrelevant? After all music is never just about the music. Especially pop music.
So what exactly is Katy Perry selling?
Well, her attractiveness for one. According to a possibly apocryphal story Ms. Perry (allegedly) first got together with Russell Brand by sending him a cell phone picture of her breasts after the VMAs. Which, if true, is I guess her way of acknowledging that she is well aware where her bread is buttered.
(Also, move over Jane Mansfield’s boobs, Dolly Parton’s boobs, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs, and Scarlett Johansson’s boobs – there’s a new contender for Most Successful Boobs of All Time)
But there’s gotta be more to it than just being a more well endowed Zooey Deschanel with a better ear for pop hooks. After all there there are a million catchy songs on the pop charts all sung by relatively attractive people. And also Ke$ha. But what separates a huge #1 hit from a middle-of-the-road hit is that it provides us with something ephemeral to latch onto. To attach ourselves to. To reach Number One a song has to in some way tap into some collective emotion or experience, whether it’s joy or giddiness or just the acknowledgment that you too kissed a girl once, and, well, kinda liked it. This isn’t something we’re always conscious of, which is why we often find ourselves liking pop hits against our seeming better judgment. But it's always there in some form or fashion. And it's what the Svengalis of pop have spent years perfecting – the ability to make a song not just catchy but universally relatable. The Black Eyed Peas are the unquestioned masters of this, what with their massive hits about starting parties, and having good nights, and rocking that body. But Katy Perry isn’t far behind. She too has a song for almost every major human experience – young love, exploring your sexuality, accepting and embracing who you are, fucking an alien, etc.
(Can we all just take a second to acknowledge the fact that at one point in American history the #1 song in the country was about having sex with an extraterrestrial? Thanks.)
But where The Black Eyed Peas’ songs are laughably broad and general, Katy Perry has been able to make songs that while equally broad are yet also somehow specific. And more importantly personally relatable. See Katy Perry isn’t pretending to be a robot or a hologram or shouting L’Chaim for no reason. She’s just a regular girl with a relatable story who likes to wear funky wigs on occasion. Her life is the new American one: the troubled upbringing, the acting out phase, the flashy quick marriage, and an adulthood full of ephemeral disposable pleasures spent trying to hang onto your youth.
So while other stars are busy selling pimped out Maybachs or dancing sacrilegious motorcycle gangs Katy Perry is selling something more familiar and relatable. She’s selling real everyday life repackaged and gussied up. She’s not trying revolutionize music; she’s just trying to do what has always worked. She’s the CBS sitcom of pop stars, only if CBS was MTV. She’s the bland, less-empowering white Beyonce. She’s the more insidious Taylor Swift. She’s not selling fantasies; she’s selling reality remade as dreams. Dreams that teenagers have. And ones that she embodies all too well.
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Perhaps it's because Katy Perry had, by all accounts, an insanely sheltered upbringing that she’s so able to tap into the mindset of a teenager. Because so often as adults we get the teenage years all wrong. They’re not poetry and art and they're not salacious spectacle. That's not what kids really want. They want Grease and Saved by the Bell and Beach Blanket Bingo. They want American Pie and Annette Funicello and Dirty Dancing. There's a reason why Awkward has worked and Skins didn’t. Because as much as teenagers might think they want to wear a meat dress, or brush their teeth with a bottle of Jack, or have an on-again off-again romance with BMX star Carey Hart, really, they respond much more to things that seem real and possible and accessible. They don’t care as much about President of the United States as they do about being Prom Queen. And they don’t want a crazy adventurous life, as much as they, deep down, just want a conventional normal one just like their friends. Which means aspiring to a simple life of fleeting shallow pleasures and no real substance. A life full of the cultural signifiers of happiness and success with nothing behind them. They don’t want a challenge or hard work or hardship. They just a good time hanging with their friends. Friends like Katy Perry who, in the immortal words of Diane Court, has "glimpsed (their) future and all I can say is...go back”. And that’s where Katy Perry differs sharply from the aforementioned Taylor Swifts and Beyonces. She never hints at growing up or facing your fears or making something of yourself. She doesn’t want you to blow off your hometown; she wants to enjoy every minute you have in it. She’s hip to the true ambitions of kids.
For (most) boys, that means getting a girl. And not just any girl - The Katy Perry Girl. One who is, like, totally super hot, but not too slutty. One who wants to have sex but who isn’t too sexually intimidating. One who likes to party and have a good time, but whom they can still take home to mom. One who won’t bog them down with all her feelings and her drama and her deep thoughts, because basically she’s just there to make them happy. A girl who wont nag them or challenge them and likes farting and sports and beer because basically they are, to quote Katy Perry’s first album title, Just One Of The Boys. Katy Perry is Smurfette (no, literally, she is). She’s the All-American Girl 2011 style.
And for (most) girls, well, Katy Perry is exactly who they are all too often taught to be. Because you can wear your cone bras ladies, but if you REALLY want to succeed in this world they better be pink and shoot white foam out of them.
And that’s why Katy Perry isn’t going anywhere. She will always be with us because we will always at some time, on some level, collectively aspire to what she represents. Like religion or fear or corporate campaign contributions she’s what keeps this engine running. Even after Kathryn Hudson is dead and gone “Katy Perry” will always live on.
She must.
Because teens always need dreams.
And we all need realities.
Showing posts with label pop music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pop music. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Thoughts on Music From the Last Year and Half, or, An Entry Slightly Longer Than the Average Sufjan Stevens Song Title
As you might have noticed, it’s June of 2006. As you also might have noticed, I never got around to doing my year in review for 2005. I don’t know how you have been able to live these past five months. This has made the wait for the Pazz and Jop results seem brief by comparison. And after all this wait will you finally get a full fledged year in review? No you will not. Because at this point that would be REALLY lame. Even lamer than having an online journal. Or still calling your blog an online journal. Yes, it would be THAT lame. So in place of that, I’ll give you my musings on music from the past year and a half. After all, I think I covered my views on the movies of 2005 pretty extensively back all my Oscar “coverage”. And besides movies and music what else is there?
Okay, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear your answer to that question, as it was intended to be rhetorical ….
Thoughts on music January 2005 – June 2006
Say what you will about Odelay, but I think Guero is by far Beck’s best album. Listening to it one time made me go from not really “getting” Beck to paying money to see him in concert. That’s a good album. I still say "Girl" should have been the first single though.
(Of course no discussion of Beck would be complete without mentioning the fact that he once wrote and sang the immortal lyric “flashdance asspants”. A fact that still remains simultaneously the best and worst thing you can possibly say about Beck.)
After much scientific research I have concluded that Bloc Party’s Silent Alarm is the official soundtrack of sitting alone in a subway station in New York City at 2:30am both hyped with energy from a night of activity and falling asleep at the same time.
Kanye West, Rapper: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly:
The Good: “The rock stand tall and you aint never believe it / Take your diamonds and throw em up like you bulimic”
The Bad: “You tellin me if my grandma’s in the NBA / right now she’d be okay / but since she was just a secretary working for the church for 35 years things supposed to stop right here”
The Ugly: “Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni / turn one page and there’s my Mommy”
Memo to Kanye: Maybe I’m a little confused but it would seem to me that you are actually in fact saying that she’s a gold digger. But maybe it’s just me.
Did Common call his new album Be because it’s the de-facto B-side to Late Registration, or because he wants to be Kanye? Either way it’s a great album.
(Also after seeing John Legend on Real Time with Bill Maher I am only further convinced that the Kanye/Common/John Legend/etc. posse is by far the greatest hip-hop posse of all time.
Followed closely by The No Limit Family of course…)
I think we can all agree that the best lyric of the year is Jay-Z’s “I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man.” In fact his whole verse on “Diamonds From Sierra Leone” is some of his best work ever. (Props to Nas’s verse on “We Major” while we’re at it) And since I’m on the subject of Jay-Z I think it’s worth mentioning that even though he’s dating Beyonce, I really love and respect the Jigga Man. His career has been amazingly long and consistent, especially considering that 50 Cent’s is already over. And after watching Jay-Z on Centerstage on YES (don’t ask) I even sort of understand the whole Beyonce thing.
(On a semi-related note I really think 50 Cent should open a sandwich shop called Gangsta Wraps. It would instantly become my favorite restaurant of all time.)
Has anyone ever sold out as completely and shamelessly as The Black Eyed Peas?
Yes I see you raising your hand Liz Phair…
Someone alert the Pulitzer committee – there’s a new Red Hot Chili Peppers album!
I kid because I love.
No but seriously, “Hump De Bump” really speaks to me lyrically.
With Stadium Arcadium the Chili Peppers have pulled off one of the hardest feats in all of music – making a double album that actually warrants being two discs long. That’s something that even The Beatles and Bob Dylan couldn’t really pull off. So congrats boys.
For anyone who thinks rock is dead (that would include me...but more on that some other time) listen to “Turn It Again” off Stadium Arcadium. I don’t know if it proves the rock isn’t quite dead yet or just that John Frusciante and Flea are perhaps the most underrated musicians of all time, but I do know that it’s a damn good song.
(I really think Flea and John Frusciante should team up with Bono and Tre Cool from Green Day to form the greatest rock super group of all time. They could rule the world!)
(On a less exciting Stadium Arcadium related note: sadly “Wet Sand” is not a sequel to “I Like Dirt”. But I guess it at least establishs that Anthony Kiedis does still enjoy soil-like substances.)
I cant verify this for sure but I have a sneaking feeling that the guys in Wolfmother might have possibly listened to some Led Zeppelin at some point in their lives.
Some reviewer somewhere described Thunder Lightning Strike by The Go! Team as the soundtrack to the best day of your life. I would say that is a perfect description. And if you haven’t heard “Ladyflash” yet, your life is not complete.
This has nothing to do with anything but were you aware that the Canadian nickel has a beaver on it? Just thought that was worth noting.
I don’t know what’s sadder - that the Best Buy on 5th Avenue didn’t carry Morph the Cat or that I’m under the age of 40 and I made a special trip to Best Buy to get a solo CD by one of the members of Steely Dan the morning it was released.
Does Jenny Lewis have a younger sister? If so, does anyone have her number?
Separated from all the hype and expectations X & Y isn’t as bad as you remember. It’s not great, but go back and listen to it again. You’ll be glad you did.
(Plus, besides being one of my personal favorite songs in a long time, “Fix You” really makes the whole Gwyneth / Chris Martin thing make perfect sense doesn’t it?)
Before I forget, how about a moment to discuss my favorite music related “thing” of ‘05 – Sufjan Stevens’ song titles. Much like the great !!! (Chk Chk Chk) problem of ’01, only not completely lame, we need to come to a consensus on how one should refer to specific Sufjan Stevens’ songs. Let’s take “They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!” for example. Now if one wanted to tell their friend they should listen to this song how would they tell them the song’s name? Would they use the whole title? If so, how would they deal with the “Ahhhh”? Would that just consist of them yelling? Now the obvious answer would be that the person would just use the first part, “They Are Night Zombies!!”, but unlike Polyphonic Spree or Billy Corgan, Sufjan didn’t put the rest of the ridiculously long title in parenthesis, which means he considered the whole thing to be the title and not just the first part. And if one did disobey Sufjan’s intentions and just refer to it as “They Are Night Zombies!!” that still leaves the issue of the punctuation. Its clearly there for a reason, so does that mean that when saying the title out loud you must exclaim it? What if the location where you are telling your friend about this song is in a library? What then? And don’t even get me started on the problems raised by others songs like “The Tallest Man, the Broadest Shoulders, Pt. I: The Great Frontier/Pt. II: Come to Me Only With Playthings Now” or “The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience But You’re Going to Have To Leave Now, or, ‘I Have Fought the Big Knives…’”. See why we really need to, as a nation, come to some sort of consensus about these.
(While we are talking about “They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!” I think its worth considering the fact that if that song title is accurate then that means that the zombies could clearly give Andre 3000 some sugar.)
I think its quite possible that when Sufjan gets around to making his album about Texas it will be the greatest album of all time. And I’m not just saying that because I’m from there. Which brings us to…
Top 3 & 1/2 Most Anticipated Sufjan Stevens Albums:
1.) Texas
2.) California
3.) New York
3 & 1/2.) Alaska
(Rumor has it his next one will be about Oregon which somehow feels completely appropriate)
(It’s been said many times but it bears repeating that the fact that Sufjan Stevens could make a graphic song about a serial killer (“John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”) both moving and somewhat sympathetic is a sign that he’s a ridiculous talented songwriter. I think equally impressive though is the fact that he could make the phrase “Stephen A. Douglas was a great debtor / Abraham Lincoln was the Great Emancipator” so catchy that it was stuck in my head for two days straight and there was absolutely nothing I could do to get it out. Oh no...I think by even typing it I just got it stuck in my head again…AHHH!)
I think its safe to say that “Come On! Feel the Illiniose!, Pt. I: The Worlds Columbian Exposition / Pt. II: Carl Sandburg Visits Me In a Dream” is the best song ever written about the World’s Columbian Exposition and/or Carl Sandburg.
I couldn’t come up with anything clever to say about them, but they’re worth mentioning anyway: My Morning Jacket, Broken Social Scene, The Hold Steady
On to the awards…
Album of the Year 2005:
Late Registration – Kanye West. Although if you didn’t already know that then I wonder where exactly you spent your 2005. To take nothing away from Kanye but it was a pretty weak year for music overall. In fact you could make the case that although Late Registration was the best album of 2005, that it isn’t even the best Kanye West album from the last 24 months. College Dropout is better in almost every category: massive ubiquitous single (“Jesus Walks” over “Gold Digger”), 7+ minute song with spoken segment (“Last Call” over “We Major”), family song (“Family Business” over “Hey Mama”), number of hit songs, skits, etc., but somehow Late Registration just FEELS like the better album. College Dropout felt like a great commercial hip-hop album, but Late Registration feels like Outkast-level art. Its more adventurous, more socially conscious, less commercial and hit driven, and you can literally feel Jon Brion’s influence. After all, he’s “on the keys right now”.
(Does anyone else find Kanye’s apparent obsession with Fiona Apple a bit strange. And why has more not been made of the fact that Jon Brion produced the best rap album of the year and Mike Elizondo produced the best Fiona Apple album of the year? Am I the only one who thinks about these things? Probably.)
Single of the Year 2005:
I think we all know the best song of the year is “Since U Been Gone”. There’s really no point to even discussing this fact. I think the only real debate is: is it the best song of the decade? I don’t know if it’s quite on level with “Lose Yourself”, “Hey Ya”, and “Jesus Walks”, but the fact that it’s even in the discussion is pretty good. And the fact that a song by Kelly Clarkson might be the clubhouse leader for non-hip-hop single of the 00’s is pretty astounding. (See, told you rock is dead).
(On a side note, since this decade is almost half over can we figure out how to refer to it sometime soon? I mean are we really destined to be watching “I Love the Aughts: 3-D” in 10 years? Is that the best we can come up with?)
(I can’t mention singles of the year without also acknowledging “This Modern Love” by Bloc Party. I only wish Id written it first.)
(On the opposite end of the spectrum: “Laffy Taffy”, “My Humps”, “Had a Bad Day”, “Don’t Cha”.)
Most Underrated Album of 2005:
Almost as undebatable as Best Single of 2005, is Most Underrated Album of 2005. That tile indisputably belongs to Ben Folds for Songs for Silverman. It a huge leap forward and a radical and unexpected shift in tone and direction for a critically respected and commercially successful artist and yet it wasn’t in Rolling Stone or Spin’s Top 40 Albums of the year. I don’t understand how really. “Landed” is by far one of the best singles of the year and its probably not even one of the top two songs on its own album. Those would be “Late” and “Jesusland”. All of the songs, but especially those two, take simplicity and understatement to magical new places. Instead of wallowing in sentiment or taking a song about his daughter, or Jesus and the hypocrisy of his followers, or the death of Elliot Smith to the places 99% of artists would take them to, he scales them back to almost nothing, leaving unique, personal and deeply felt songs that are infinitely better for their stark minimalism. Listen to Ben talk about “Late” on the DVD that came with the CD and you can really grasp the song's brilliance. He didn’t even really know Elliot Smith but he enjoyed his music and had heard that he played a dirty game of basketball, so he wrote a song to him using that information and nothing more, and it’s one of the best tributes a person could receive. It’s only a shame Elliot isn’t around to hear it. Coming off his three EPs and, well, his whole prior ovure, hearing such grown up, stripped down, simple songs from Ben was starling and completely unexpected. And its only a shame more people didn’t hear it.
(You should also check out Ben's songs from the Over The Hedge soundtrack. Although its what Jeff Daniels' character from The Squid and the Whale would call "minor Folds", it's still worth checking out. Although the less said about the "Rockin the Suburbs" remix with William Shatner the better.)
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week
1.) No Direction Home
2.) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium (album)
3.) Quiznos
3 & 1/2.) Tenacious D – “Wonderboy” (why I am the last person on earth to get into Tenacious D, and how come no one exposed me to them sooner?)
Thought of the Week:
Apparently Mike Nichols is directing Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in a film written by Aaron Sorkin, and Spike Jonze is directing an adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are written by Dave Eggers. It’s hard to know which project to be more excited about.
Okay, I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear your answer to that question, as it was intended to be rhetorical ….
Thoughts on music January 2005 – June 2006
Say what you will about Odelay, but I think Guero is by far Beck’s best album. Listening to it one time made me go from not really “getting” Beck to paying money to see him in concert. That’s a good album. I still say "Girl" should have been the first single though.
(Of course no discussion of Beck would be complete without mentioning the fact that he once wrote and sang the immortal lyric “flashdance asspants”. A fact that still remains simultaneously the best and worst thing you can possibly say about Beck.)
After much scientific research I have concluded that Bloc Party’s Silent Alarm is the official soundtrack of sitting alone in a subway station in New York City at 2:30am both hyped with energy from a night of activity and falling asleep at the same time.
Kanye West, Rapper: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly:
The Good: “The rock stand tall and you aint never believe it / Take your diamonds and throw em up like you bulimic”
The Bad: “You tellin me if my grandma’s in the NBA / right now she’d be okay / but since she was just a secretary working for the church for 35 years things supposed to stop right here”
The Ugly: “Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni / turn one page and there’s my Mommy”
Memo to Kanye: Maybe I’m a little confused but it would seem to me that you are actually in fact saying that she’s a gold digger. But maybe it’s just me.
Did Common call his new album Be because it’s the de-facto B-side to Late Registration, or because he wants to be Kanye? Either way it’s a great album.
(Also after seeing John Legend on Real Time with Bill Maher I am only further convinced that the Kanye/Common/John Legend/etc. posse is by far the greatest hip-hop posse of all time.
Followed closely by The No Limit Family of course…)
I think we can all agree that the best lyric of the year is Jay-Z’s “I’m not a businessman, I’m a business, man.” In fact his whole verse on “Diamonds From Sierra Leone” is some of his best work ever. (Props to Nas’s verse on “We Major” while we’re at it) And since I’m on the subject of Jay-Z I think it’s worth mentioning that even though he’s dating Beyonce, I really love and respect the Jigga Man. His career has been amazingly long and consistent, especially considering that 50 Cent’s is already over. And after watching Jay-Z on Centerstage on YES (don’t ask) I even sort of understand the whole Beyonce thing.
(On a semi-related note I really think 50 Cent should open a sandwich shop called Gangsta Wraps. It would instantly become my favorite restaurant of all time.)
Has anyone ever sold out as completely and shamelessly as The Black Eyed Peas?
Yes I see you raising your hand Liz Phair…
Someone alert the Pulitzer committee – there’s a new Red Hot Chili Peppers album!
I kid because I love.
No but seriously, “Hump De Bump” really speaks to me lyrically.
With Stadium Arcadium the Chili Peppers have pulled off one of the hardest feats in all of music – making a double album that actually warrants being two discs long. That’s something that even The Beatles and Bob Dylan couldn’t really pull off. So congrats boys.
For anyone who thinks rock is dead (that would include me...but more on that some other time) listen to “Turn It Again” off Stadium Arcadium. I don’t know if it proves the rock isn’t quite dead yet or just that John Frusciante and Flea are perhaps the most underrated musicians of all time, but I do know that it’s a damn good song.
(I really think Flea and John Frusciante should team up with Bono and Tre Cool from Green Day to form the greatest rock super group of all time. They could rule the world!)
(On a less exciting Stadium Arcadium related note: sadly “Wet Sand” is not a sequel to “I Like Dirt”. But I guess it at least establishs that Anthony Kiedis does still enjoy soil-like substances.)
I cant verify this for sure but I have a sneaking feeling that the guys in Wolfmother might have possibly listened to some Led Zeppelin at some point in their lives.
Some reviewer somewhere described Thunder Lightning Strike by The Go! Team as the soundtrack to the best day of your life. I would say that is a perfect description. And if you haven’t heard “Ladyflash” yet, your life is not complete.
This has nothing to do with anything but were you aware that the Canadian nickel has a beaver on it? Just thought that was worth noting.
I don’t know what’s sadder - that the Best Buy on 5th Avenue didn’t carry Morph the Cat or that I’m under the age of 40 and I made a special trip to Best Buy to get a solo CD by one of the members of Steely Dan the morning it was released.
Does Jenny Lewis have a younger sister? If so, does anyone have her number?
Separated from all the hype and expectations X & Y isn’t as bad as you remember. It’s not great, but go back and listen to it again. You’ll be glad you did.
(Plus, besides being one of my personal favorite songs in a long time, “Fix You” really makes the whole Gwyneth / Chris Martin thing make perfect sense doesn’t it?)
Before I forget, how about a moment to discuss my favorite music related “thing” of ‘05 – Sufjan Stevens’ song titles. Much like the great !!! (Chk Chk Chk) problem of ’01, only not completely lame, we need to come to a consensus on how one should refer to specific Sufjan Stevens’ songs. Let’s take “They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!” for example. Now if one wanted to tell their friend they should listen to this song how would they tell them the song’s name? Would they use the whole title? If so, how would they deal with the “Ahhhh”? Would that just consist of them yelling? Now the obvious answer would be that the person would just use the first part, “They Are Night Zombies!!”, but unlike Polyphonic Spree or Billy Corgan, Sufjan didn’t put the rest of the ridiculously long title in parenthesis, which means he considered the whole thing to be the title and not just the first part. And if one did disobey Sufjan’s intentions and just refer to it as “They Are Night Zombies!!” that still leaves the issue of the punctuation. Its clearly there for a reason, so does that mean that when saying the title out loud you must exclaim it? What if the location where you are telling your friend about this song is in a library? What then? And don’t even get me started on the problems raised by others songs like “The Tallest Man, the Broadest Shoulders, Pt. I: The Great Frontier/Pt. II: Come to Me Only With Playthings Now” or “The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience But You’re Going to Have To Leave Now, or, ‘I Have Fought the Big Knives…’”. See why we really need to, as a nation, come to some sort of consensus about these.
(While we are talking about “They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back from the Dead!! Ahhhh!” I think its worth considering the fact that if that song title is accurate then that means that the zombies could clearly give Andre 3000 some sugar.)
I think its quite possible that when Sufjan gets around to making his album about Texas it will be the greatest album of all time. And I’m not just saying that because I’m from there. Which brings us to…
Top 3 & 1/2 Most Anticipated Sufjan Stevens Albums:
1.) Texas
2.) California
3.) New York
3 & 1/2.) Alaska
(Rumor has it his next one will be about Oregon which somehow feels completely appropriate)
(It’s been said many times but it bears repeating that the fact that Sufjan Stevens could make a graphic song about a serial killer (“John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”) both moving and somewhat sympathetic is a sign that he’s a ridiculous talented songwriter. I think equally impressive though is the fact that he could make the phrase “Stephen A. Douglas was a great debtor / Abraham Lincoln was the Great Emancipator” so catchy that it was stuck in my head for two days straight and there was absolutely nothing I could do to get it out. Oh no...I think by even typing it I just got it stuck in my head again…AHHH!)
I think its safe to say that “Come On! Feel the Illiniose!, Pt. I: The Worlds Columbian Exposition / Pt. II: Carl Sandburg Visits Me In a Dream” is the best song ever written about the World’s Columbian Exposition and/or Carl Sandburg.
I couldn’t come up with anything clever to say about them, but they’re worth mentioning anyway: My Morning Jacket, Broken Social Scene, The Hold Steady
On to the awards…
Album of the Year 2005:
Late Registration – Kanye West. Although if you didn’t already know that then I wonder where exactly you spent your 2005. To take nothing away from Kanye but it was a pretty weak year for music overall. In fact you could make the case that although Late Registration was the best album of 2005, that it isn’t even the best Kanye West album from the last 24 months. College Dropout is better in almost every category: massive ubiquitous single (“Jesus Walks” over “Gold Digger”), 7+ minute song with spoken segment (“Last Call” over “We Major”), family song (“Family Business” over “Hey Mama”), number of hit songs, skits, etc., but somehow Late Registration just FEELS like the better album. College Dropout felt like a great commercial hip-hop album, but Late Registration feels like Outkast-level art. Its more adventurous, more socially conscious, less commercial and hit driven, and you can literally feel Jon Brion’s influence. After all, he’s “on the keys right now”.
(Does anyone else find Kanye’s apparent obsession with Fiona Apple a bit strange. And why has more not been made of the fact that Jon Brion produced the best rap album of the year and Mike Elizondo produced the best Fiona Apple album of the year? Am I the only one who thinks about these things? Probably.)
Single of the Year 2005:
I think we all know the best song of the year is “Since U Been Gone”. There’s really no point to even discussing this fact. I think the only real debate is: is it the best song of the decade? I don’t know if it’s quite on level with “Lose Yourself”, “Hey Ya”, and “Jesus Walks”, but the fact that it’s even in the discussion is pretty good. And the fact that a song by Kelly Clarkson might be the clubhouse leader for non-hip-hop single of the 00’s is pretty astounding. (See, told you rock is dead).
(On a side note, since this decade is almost half over can we figure out how to refer to it sometime soon? I mean are we really destined to be watching “I Love the Aughts: 3-D” in 10 years? Is that the best we can come up with?)
(I can’t mention singles of the year without also acknowledging “This Modern Love” by Bloc Party. I only wish Id written it first.)
(On the opposite end of the spectrum: “Laffy Taffy”, “My Humps”, “Had a Bad Day”, “Don’t Cha”.)
Most Underrated Album of 2005:
Almost as undebatable as Best Single of 2005, is Most Underrated Album of 2005. That tile indisputably belongs to Ben Folds for Songs for Silverman. It a huge leap forward and a radical and unexpected shift in tone and direction for a critically respected and commercially successful artist and yet it wasn’t in Rolling Stone or Spin’s Top 40 Albums of the year. I don’t understand how really. “Landed” is by far one of the best singles of the year and its probably not even one of the top two songs on its own album. Those would be “Late” and “Jesusland”. All of the songs, but especially those two, take simplicity and understatement to magical new places. Instead of wallowing in sentiment or taking a song about his daughter, or Jesus and the hypocrisy of his followers, or the death of Elliot Smith to the places 99% of artists would take them to, he scales them back to almost nothing, leaving unique, personal and deeply felt songs that are infinitely better for their stark minimalism. Listen to Ben talk about “Late” on the DVD that came with the CD and you can really grasp the song's brilliance. He didn’t even really know Elliot Smith but he enjoyed his music and had heard that he played a dirty game of basketball, so he wrote a song to him using that information and nothing more, and it’s one of the best tributes a person could receive. It’s only a shame Elliot isn’t around to hear it. Coming off his three EPs and, well, his whole prior ovure, hearing such grown up, stripped down, simple songs from Ben was starling and completely unexpected. And its only a shame more people didn’t hear it.
(You should also check out Ben's songs from the Over The Hedge soundtrack. Although its what Jeff Daniels' character from The Squid and the Whale would call "minor Folds", it's still worth checking out. Although the less said about the "Rockin the Suburbs" remix with William Shatner the better.)
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week
1.) No Direction Home
2.) Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium (album)
3.) Quiznos
3 & 1/2.) Tenacious D – “Wonderboy” (why I am the last person on earth to get into Tenacious D, and how come no one exposed me to them sooner?)
Thought of the Week:
Apparently Mike Nichols is directing Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts in a film written by Aaron Sorkin, and Spike Jonze is directing an adaptation of Where the Wild Things Are written by Dave Eggers. It’s hard to know which project to be more excited about.
Friday, October 28, 2005
More Lists Mostly About Music
When its time to phone a column in that can only mean one thing: Its time for More Lists Mostly About Music
Top 3 & 1/2 Misleading Rap Names:
1.) Dr. Dre - Not really a Doctor
2.) Lil’ John - Not really that little
3.) Usher - Not really an usher
3 & 1/2.) Dirt McGirt – Not actually dirt
Top 3 & 1/2 90’s Songs by One Hit Wonders Whose Names Start With “The”:
1.) “Bohemian Like You” – The Dandy Warhols
2.) “You Get What You Give” – The New Radicals
3.) “There She Goes” – The La’s
3 & 1/2.) “The Freshmen” – The Verve
Top 3 & 1/2 Good Occasions To Yell Out “Freebird!”:
1.) During a performance by the New York Philharmonic
2.) During a lull in a comedian’s set
3.) During sex
3 & 1/2.) At the pet store
Top 3 & 1/2 Signs You Have Too Much Music:
1.) You’ve begun looking into buying a third Ipod
2.) It takes greater than 3 minutes for your iTunes to finish loading
3.) You’ve seriously contemplated deleting Microsoft Office including Word from your computer in order to make room for more music
3 & 1/2.) People who have a lot of music see how much music you have and they say “damn, you’ve got a lot of music”
Top 3 & 1/2 Songs That Explain an Entire Artistic Output:
1.) “Silly Love Songs” – Paul McCartney
2.) “All About the Benjamins” – Puff Daddy
3.) “Sexuality” – Prince
3 & 1/2.) “I Suck Ass” – Gwen Stefani
Top 3 & 1/2 Alternate Titles for A History of Violence:
1.) A History of Violence Which I Will Inflict Upon Screenwriter Josh Olson
2.) A History of Improbability
3.) A History of Bad Acting
3 & 1/2.) A History of Giving Me Back My $10.75
Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix Tape:
1.) Dynamite Hack – "Boyz in the Hood" (maybe the greatest cover ever)
2.) British Sea Power – "Please Stand Up"
3.) The Arcade Fire – "Rebellion (Lies)"
3 & 1/2.) Loretta Lynn feat. Jack White – "Portland Oregon"
Top 3 & 1/2 Bono Lyrics I Can think of Off the Top of My Head:
1.) “I have run/I have crawled/ I have scaled these city walls/Only to be with you/And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” (one of the greatest lyrics of all time)
2.) “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”
3.) “The more you know the less you feel”
3 & 1/2.) “You gave me nothing now it’s all I got”
Top 3 & 1/2 Thought Recently Had While at the Movies:
1.) It should be a rule that any movie that features William Hurt (A History of Violence for example) and doesn’t mention this fact in its trailer should include a warning before you buy your ticket. To be blindsided by it in the opening credits after you already spent your $10.50 is unfair. Also, has there ever been a more aptly last-named person?
2.) The fact that I have yet to see the trailer for Brokeback Mountain without it eliciting lots of uncomfortable laughter from the audience doesn’t bode well for its chances in the rest of the country. But I think we already knew that.
3.) After having seen the trailer for Match Point one my favorite moments in theaters now is when at the end of the trailer it flashes the words “directed by Woody Allen” and people in the theater audibly gasp. Especially now that I know it’s coming, it’s almost worth the price of admission.
3 & 1/2.) Speaking of trailers, has a movie ever previously won Best Picture before its trailer was even released or will Munich be the first one? And does this mean that it’s the anti-Million Dollar Baby? And where exactly can I find a life?
Top 3 & 1/2 Things To Say To The People In Times Square Passing Out Fliers For Comedy Clubs When They Ask “Do You Like Stand Up Comedy?” That Might (MIGHT) Actually Get Them to Leave You Alone
1.) Do you like stand up anal fisting?
2.) My mom’s dead. Thanks a lot asshole.
3.) I don’t speak English.
3 & 1/2.) Stand up comedy?!? I LOVE stand up comedy!!! Thank you SOOO much for this flier. I will treasure it for the rest of my life. (hug them)
Top 3 & 1/2 Random Moments in Music That I Really Enjoy
1.) The moment when the vocals start on “Ice Ice Baby” and you know for sure that its not “Under Pressure”
2.) When John Lennon sings “I don’t believe in Beatles” in “God”
3.) When Frank Black yells “Then God is SEVEN!” in “Monkey Gone to Heaven”
3 & 1/2.) When Michael Jackson tells Paul McCartney, “Paul, I’m a lover not a fighter” in “The Girl is Mine” because really, did anyone think Michael Jackson WAS a fighter?
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The NL Champion Houston Astros
2.) “My Father’s Gun” – Elton John (the best thing about Elizabethtown)
3.) Capote
3 & 1/2.) Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof
Thought of the Week: I need a haircut like a bitch needs a slap. Which is to say I REALLY need a haircut. And you don’t care.
Top 3 & 1/2 Misleading Rap Names:
1.) Dr. Dre - Not really a Doctor
2.) Lil’ John - Not really that little
3.) Usher - Not really an usher
3 & 1/2.) Dirt McGirt – Not actually dirt
Top 3 & 1/2 90’s Songs by One Hit Wonders Whose Names Start With “The”:
1.) “Bohemian Like You” – The Dandy Warhols
2.) “You Get What You Give” – The New Radicals
3.) “There She Goes” – The La’s
3 & 1/2.) “The Freshmen” – The Verve
Top 3 & 1/2 Good Occasions To Yell Out “Freebird!”:
1.) During a performance by the New York Philharmonic
2.) During a lull in a comedian’s set
3.) During sex
3 & 1/2.) At the pet store
Top 3 & 1/2 Signs You Have Too Much Music:
1.) You’ve begun looking into buying a third Ipod
2.) It takes greater than 3 minutes for your iTunes to finish loading
3.) You’ve seriously contemplated deleting Microsoft Office including Word from your computer in order to make room for more music
3 & 1/2.) People who have a lot of music see how much music you have and they say “damn, you’ve got a lot of music”
Top 3 & 1/2 Songs That Explain an Entire Artistic Output:
1.) “Silly Love Songs” – Paul McCartney
2.) “All About the Benjamins” – Puff Daddy
3.) “Sexuality” – Prince
3 & 1/2.) “I Suck Ass” – Gwen Stefani
Top 3 & 1/2 Alternate Titles for A History of Violence:
1.) A History of Violence Which I Will Inflict Upon Screenwriter Josh Olson
2.) A History of Improbability
3.) A History of Bad Acting
3 & 1/2.) A History of Giving Me Back My $10.75
Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix Tape:
1.) Dynamite Hack – "Boyz in the Hood" (maybe the greatest cover ever)
2.) British Sea Power – "Please Stand Up"
3.) The Arcade Fire – "Rebellion (Lies)"
3 & 1/2.) Loretta Lynn feat. Jack White – "Portland Oregon"
Top 3 & 1/2 Bono Lyrics I Can think of Off the Top of My Head:
1.) “I have run/I have crawled/ I have scaled these city walls/Only to be with you/And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” (one of the greatest lyrics of all time)
2.) “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”
3.) “The more you know the less you feel”
3 & 1/2.) “You gave me nothing now it’s all I got”
Top 3 & 1/2 Thought Recently Had While at the Movies:
1.) It should be a rule that any movie that features William Hurt (A History of Violence for example) and doesn’t mention this fact in its trailer should include a warning before you buy your ticket. To be blindsided by it in the opening credits after you already spent your $10.50 is unfair. Also, has there ever been a more aptly last-named person?
2.) The fact that I have yet to see the trailer for Brokeback Mountain without it eliciting lots of uncomfortable laughter from the audience doesn’t bode well for its chances in the rest of the country. But I think we already knew that.
3.) After having seen the trailer for Match Point one my favorite moments in theaters now is when at the end of the trailer it flashes the words “directed by Woody Allen” and people in the theater audibly gasp. Especially now that I know it’s coming, it’s almost worth the price of admission.
3 & 1/2.) Speaking of trailers, has a movie ever previously won Best Picture before its trailer was even released or will Munich be the first one? And does this mean that it’s the anti-Million Dollar Baby? And where exactly can I find a life?
Top 3 & 1/2 Things To Say To The People In Times Square Passing Out Fliers For Comedy Clubs When They Ask “Do You Like Stand Up Comedy?” That Might (MIGHT) Actually Get Them to Leave You Alone
1.) Do you like stand up anal fisting?
2.) My mom’s dead. Thanks a lot asshole.
3.) I don’t speak English.
3 & 1/2.) Stand up comedy?!? I LOVE stand up comedy!!! Thank you SOOO much for this flier. I will treasure it for the rest of my life. (hug them)
Top 3 & 1/2 Random Moments in Music That I Really Enjoy
1.) The moment when the vocals start on “Ice Ice Baby” and you know for sure that its not “Under Pressure”
2.) When John Lennon sings “I don’t believe in Beatles” in “God”
3.) When Frank Black yells “Then God is SEVEN!” in “Monkey Gone to Heaven”
3 & 1/2.) When Michael Jackson tells Paul McCartney, “Paul, I’m a lover not a fighter” in “The Girl is Mine” because really, did anyone think Michael Jackson WAS a fighter?
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The NL Champion Houston Astros
2.) “My Father’s Gun” – Elton John (the best thing about Elizabethtown)
3.) Capote
3 & 1/2.) Gwyneth Paltrow in Proof
Thought of the Week: I need a haircut like a bitch needs a slap. Which is to say I REALLY need a haircut. And you don’t care.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Guilty as Charged
Hi there. I’m writing really small because I have an important and very personal secret to reveal to you today.
I like a Kelly Clarkson song.
Yes, that Kelly Clarkson. I like one of her songs.
No I don’t think U you understand. I really, REALLY like a Kelly Clarkson song. I like a Kelly Clarkson song so much that after living in place for seven months that didn’t allow me to illegally download music the first thing I did upon setting up my computer in my new place was to download said Kelly Clarkson song. I did that before I even hooked up my printer or speakers. That’s how much I like “Since U Been Gone”. And believe it or not, I’m not even gay! So I don’t even have a valid excuse.
Oh yeah, except this one: It’s a good song.
Now I do realize I’m revealing this secret on the internet in an online blog, the province of the innately hip and judgmental. I know that people like you never let arguments like “it’s a good song” get in the way of your cultural superiority. But guess what? You like it too. Don’t worry though, Ted Leo said its okay. In fact he liked the song so much he did a cover of it. That’s right, Mr. Ted Leo, of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – the most hip pretentious band name since Stephan Malkimus and the Jicks or whatever Billy Corgan’s next band is called - did a cover of “Since U Been Gone”. So there. Fredtheonlinejournal and Ted Leo both have publicly stated they like “Since U Been Gone”. What you got to say about that?
Now “cool” people have been secretly liking “manufactured radio friendly pop songs” since the beginning of time. I’m sure Olaf the Caveman used to keep his Goldor Boys CDs in a special CD case under his bed where no one would find them. And this continues today. I know you’ve got your ABBA Gold in between your A Tribe Called Quest and your Aphex Twin on your Ipod. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And that’s what me and Ted Leo are here to tell you: Stop feeling guilty about your guilty pleasures.
Now I know all the reasons one “should” feel guilty about liking a radio friendly pop song produced by some faceless corporate entity and performed by some prepackaged artificial pop star, but I aint buyin any of them. As proof let me one by one remove them from my ideological shopping cart so we can proceed to the conclusion without them.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t write their own songs!”
Well neither did Elvis or Frank Sinatra or Aretha Franklin. Hell Bobby Darin’s entire career was founded on a song by Bertolt Brecht. Ray Charles didn’t write “Georgia on My Mind” On”, Sinead O’Connor didn’t write “Nothing Compares to U”, Marvin Gaye wasn’t the original author of “Whats Goin On” and Sisquo didn’t write “The Thong Song”. Does that somehow make them not as good? Actually lets just forget that last one. I think Sisquo actually DID write “The Thong Song”.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t play their own instruments!”
Did Otis Redding play an instrument? Did Robert Plant? Does Bono? Does Meg White?
*”(Fill in the blank) is so mainstream and/or lacking in artistic merit!”
You know who was the biggest mainstream pop band of all time? The Beatles. I mean what else would you classify their music as? You know who else is “pop”? The B-52s, Brian Wilson, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Phil Spector, Carol King, Prince, Steely Dan, Todd Rundgren, ELO, The Bee Gees, and the list goes on and on. You like any music by any of those artists? Then what’s the big deal?
Well, let me assume some things about the general attitude many people around here have towards pop music because we all know what assuming does.
It makes me really cool.
“Pop” is short for “popular”. Which is what you weren’t earlier in life, or maybe even today. Okay, I get it. But don’t take it out on music. “Mmmbop” never shoved you in a locker. “Cry Me A River” never wouldn’t go to the dance with you. “Fred the Online Journal” didn’t just use a double negative in that last sentence. “I’m” not a liar. But I am veering wildly off track. Point is, get down off your high horse and accept that just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact if the goal of art is to express universal truths then shouldn’t it stand to reason that the art that speaks to the greatest number of people is greater than the art that speaks to only a few. “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, “Joshua Tree”, “American Idiot”, “Nevermind”, “OK Computer”- these are albums that are able to be of the highest artistic quality and yet also be found in nearly everyone’s CD collection. Now of course those are all “cool” albums, but we all know you have “Thriller”, “Cracked Rear View”, “Justified”, “Devil Without a Cause”, “Saturday Night Fever”, “The Immaculate Collection”, a few 20th Century Master’s CDs, and who knows what else too. And you know what? Those albums aren’t any less valid. They serve just as a great a purpose as the ones on the first list. And I should know because I own them all too. And I’m proud of it. Because SOMETHING about those multi-million copy selling CDs speaks to great numbers of people, even if the only thing it speaks to is the desire to “shake your ass” and/or “watch yourself”. But even if getting you to dance is its only real goal, popular mainstream songs definitely serve an invaluable role in the world. Pop music strives to create a shared experience among all people. A sort of musical bond. Put on Wilco at a social function and it’s nice and all, but put on “YMCA” “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Ice Ice Baby” and see what happens. The world needs songs that EVERYONE knows and enjoys.
Also, these songs often speak in the most direct way to universal themes. Love, betrayal, lust, longing, hurt. You know, those cliché things called emotions. You can’t tell me that “Sometimes” by Britney Spears and “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguliara aren’t deep in their own ways. And explain to me how Beck singing “Na na Na na na na Na na” or “flashdance asspants” is any more artistically valid than Hanson singing “Mmmbop ba du ba dop Ba du bop”. Is it just because he’s Beck and they’re Hanson? That argument won’t hold up in court.
Instead of fighting it, just embrace that fact that sometimes when you need a little directness or a little nonsense it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. Which brings us back to “Since U Been Gone”, a song that carries on the proud tradition of “I Will Survive”, “Survivor”, and everything else in the “I’m Better Off Without You” genre. Sure when you have a breakup, “Sea Change” and Elliot Smith are nice. But I bet some mid 90’s country music and “Since U Been Gone” work pretty good too.
Someone wiser than I once said there’s not “high art” and “low art”, there’s just “art”. And I think that’s true. And in fact trying to go against that maxim usually leads to trouble. For as many songs as there are like “Since U Been Gone” that shouldn’t be good but are, there are just as many songs that should be good but aren’t because they try so hard to be “artistic”. For exhibits A-Z turn to Bright Eyes’ “When the President Talks to God”. It’s a great song lyrically and I firmly believe it could have actually made a difference in the election if the words and ideas in it had been heard by more people. But of course Connor Oberst wrapped his lyrics in a strictly acoustic song devoid of any rhythm or melody. If he had actually wanted to make a difference with his song he would have added a bunch of “music” to it, actually bothered to sing the words, and given it some sort of catchy or memorable or at least existent melody. That way it could have been played on the radio reached the people who needed to hear it and really made a difference in the world. Instead he refused to sacrifice one ounce of his “indie cred” to actually make a difference in the world and instead made the song as hip and inaccessible as possible insuring that it would only ever be heard by and affect those who already agreed with him in the first place. It would be like if John Fogarty had said “hey I’ve got this song ‘Fortunate Son’ but instead of putting a melody to it and singing the words, I’m gonna strum a chord on my acoustic guitar every few seconds and speak the words in a really grating aggressive pretentious voice.” I mean, it’s just ridiculous. Most these “indie bands” will never change the world because they hold it in such contempt. Their fear of pop and the common man will hold them back from ever really making an impact on the world. Ironic that liberalism is supposed to be about openness and acceptance and yet “we” can’t tolerate anyone different than us, or who listens to Britney Spears.
Now this isn’t to defend someone who only listens to pop. But it’s just speaking out against people who aren’t well rounded and accepting of good art and entertainment no matter where it might come from. The person who only listens to Britney Spears is no worse than the person who only listens to jazz or only listens to hip hop. One may be stupid and the other just too specialized, but either way they are both missing out on the fullness of life. So don’t be that guy or gal who takes that pretentious tone and says “I don’t watch TV” or “I don’t listen to the radio” or some other such thing. Such there’s a lot of crap out there, but there’s a lot of good too. Now this is coming from someone who’s as guilty of these sins as anyone, but it’s also coming from someone who coined the phrase “just because it’s on the radio doesn’t mean its bad”. And it’s that side of me I’m going to listen to now. I’m committed to becoming a reformed cultural snob. I can change. We all can. And that’s why I’m admitting to all of this here today.
So repeat after me:
“If it’s good, it’s good…even if Kelly Clarkson sings it”
It’s alright, just say it. Pop music wont bite. It’s perfectly harmless. In fact the way I see it, pop music is like chocolate- it doesn’t really provide any nourishment and if you ate it all the time you would be a fat slovenly bum who would die of a heart attack at age 40, but it does bring pleasure to your life, and when you DO eat it, it’s damn good. So eat your vegetables and your fruits and your grilled chicken pita wraps, but don’t forget dessert. And when you eat that dessert, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel “guilty”. Because unless you’re friends with Laura Flynn Boyle, then everyone you know eats their fair share of sweets. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Indulge a little and don’t be embarrassed about it or feel the need to pretend you didn’t enjoy it or purge it from your system afterwards. Don’t be cultural bulimics. Don’t feel bad about enjoying “The Wedding Crashers”. Don’t hide your copy of “Mean Girls” when you have company. Don’t act like you don’t know the words to “Baby Got Back”. Because when it comes to songs like “Baby Got Back” and “Since U Been Gone” you can’t say they are not catchy, or that they don’t make you want to get up and dance (or at least move around excitedly).
But if you want to accuse them of giving you pleasure…well then…I guess they’re guilty.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Rita Watch (word to my peeps in H-Town)
2.) Common - "Be" (album)
3.) Scrabble
3 & 1/2.) ESPN
Thought of the Week:
"I dont think there are going to be any parents naming their kids Katrina for at least five years now. Just like there havent been too many kids born lately named Nine Eleven." - Caroline McGraw
I like a Kelly Clarkson song.
Yes, that Kelly Clarkson. I like one of her songs.
No I don’t think U you understand. I really, REALLY like a Kelly Clarkson song. I like a Kelly Clarkson song so much that after living in place for seven months that didn’t allow me to illegally download music the first thing I did upon setting up my computer in my new place was to download said Kelly Clarkson song. I did that before I even hooked up my printer or speakers. That’s how much I like “Since U Been Gone”. And believe it or not, I’m not even gay! So I don’t even have a valid excuse.
Oh yeah, except this one: It’s a good song.
Now I do realize I’m revealing this secret on the internet in an online blog, the province of the innately hip and judgmental. I know that people like you never let arguments like “it’s a good song” get in the way of your cultural superiority. But guess what? You like it too. Don’t worry though, Ted Leo said its okay. In fact he liked the song so much he did a cover of it. That’s right, Mr. Ted Leo, of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – the most hip pretentious band name since Stephan Malkimus and the Jicks or whatever Billy Corgan’s next band is called - did a cover of “Since U Been Gone”. So there. Fredtheonlinejournal and Ted Leo both have publicly stated they like “Since U Been Gone”. What you got to say about that?
Now “cool” people have been secretly liking “manufactured radio friendly pop songs” since the beginning of time. I’m sure Olaf the Caveman used to keep his Goldor Boys CDs in a special CD case under his bed where no one would find them. And this continues today. I know you’ve got your ABBA Gold in between your A Tribe Called Quest and your Aphex Twin on your Ipod. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And that’s what me and Ted Leo are here to tell you: Stop feeling guilty about your guilty pleasures.
Now I know all the reasons one “should” feel guilty about liking a radio friendly pop song produced by some faceless corporate entity and performed by some prepackaged artificial pop star, but I aint buyin any of them. As proof let me one by one remove them from my ideological shopping cart so we can proceed to the conclusion without them.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t write their own songs!”
Well neither did Elvis or Frank Sinatra or Aretha Franklin. Hell Bobby Darin’s entire career was founded on a song by Bertolt Brecht. Ray Charles didn’t write “Georgia on My Mind” On”, Sinead O’Connor didn’t write “Nothing Compares to U”, Marvin Gaye wasn’t the original author of “Whats Goin On” and Sisquo didn’t write “The Thong Song”. Does that somehow make them not as good? Actually lets just forget that last one. I think Sisquo actually DID write “The Thong Song”.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t play their own instruments!”
Did Otis Redding play an instrument? Did Robert Plant? Does Bono? Does Meg White?
*”(Fill in the blank) is so mainstream and/or lacking in artistic merit!”
You know who was the biggest mainstream pop band of all time? The Beatles. I mean what else would you classify their music as? You know who else is “pop”? The B-52s, Brian Wilson, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Phil Spector, Carol King, Prince, Steely Dan, Todd Rundgren, ELO, The Bee Gees, and the list goes on and on. You like any music by any of those artists? Then what’s the big deal?
Well, let me assume some things about the general attitude many people around here have towards pop music because we all know what assuming does.
It makes me really cool.
“Pop” is short for “popular”. Which is what you weren’t earlier in life, or maybe even today. Okay, I get it. But don’t take it out on music. “Mmmbop” never shoved you in a locker. “Cry Me A River” never wouldn’t go to the dance with you. “Fred the Online Journal” didn’t just use a double negative in that last sentence. “I’m” not a liar. But I am veering wildly off track. Point is, get down off your high horse and accept that just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact if the goal of art is to express universal truths then shouldn’t it stand to reason that the art that speaks to the greatest number of people is greater than the art that speaks to only a few. “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, “Joshua Tree”, “American Idiot”, “Nevermind”, “OK Computer”- these are albums that are able to be of the highest artistic quality and yet also be found in nearly everyone’s CD collection. Now of course those are all “cool” albums, but we all know you have “Thriller”, “Cracked Rear View”, “Justified”, “Devil Without a Cause”, “Saturday Night Fever”, “The Immaculate Collection”, a few 20th Century Master’s CDs, and who knows what else too. And you know what? Those albums aren’t any less valid. They serve just as a great a purpose as the ones on the first list. And I should know because I own them all too. And I’m proud of it. Because SOMETHING about those multi-million copy selling CDs speaks to great numbers of people, even if the only thing it speaks to is the desire to “shake your ass” and/or “watch yourself”. But even if getting you to dance is its only real goal, popular mainstream songs definitely serve an invaluable role in the world. Pop music strives to create a shared experience among all people. A sort of musical bond. Put on Wilco at a social function and it’s nice and all, but put on “YMCA” “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Ice Ice Baby” and see what happens. The world needs songs that EVERYONE knows and enjoys.
Also, these songs often speak in the most direct way to universal themes. Love, betrayal, lust, longing, hurt. You know, those cliché things called emotions. You can’t tell me that “Sometimes” by Britney Spears and “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguliara aren’t deep in their own ways. And explain to me how Beck singing “Na na Na na na na Na na” or “flashdance asspants” is any more artistically valid than Hanson singing “Mmmbop ba du ba dop Ba du bop”. Is it just because he’s Beck and they’re Hanson? That argument won’t hold up in court.
Instead of fighting it, just embrace that fact that sometimes when you need a little directness or a little nonsense it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. Which brings us back to “Since U Been Gone”, a song that carries on the proud tradition of “I Will Survive”, “Survivor”, and everything else in the “I’m Better Off Without You” genre. Sure when you have a breakup, “Sea Change” and Elliot Smith are nice. But I bet some mid 90’s country music and “Since U Been Gone” work pretty good too.
Someone wiser than I once said there’s not “high art” and “low art”, there’s just “art”. And I think that’s true. And in fact trying to go against that maxim usually leads to trouble. For as many songs as there are like “Since U Been Gone” that shouldn’t be good but are, there are just as many songs that should be good but aren’t because they try so hard to be “artistic”. For exhibits A-Z turn to Bright Eyes’ “When the President Talks to God”. It’s a great song lyrically and I firmly believe it could have actually made a difference in the election if the words and ideas in it had been heard by more people. But of course Connor Oberst wrapped his lyrics in a strictly acoustic song devoid of any rhythm or melody. If he had actually wanted to make a difference with his song he would have added a bunch of “music” to it, actually bothered to sing the words, and given it some sort of catchy or memorable or at least existent melody. That way it could have been played on the radio reached the people who needed to hear it and really made a difference in the world. Instead he refused to sacrifice one ounce of his “indie cred” to actually make a difference in the world and instead made the song as hip and inaccessible as possible insuring that it would only ever be heard by and affect those who already agreed with him in the first place. It would be like if John Fogarty had said “hey I’ve got this song ‘Fortunate Son’ but instead of putting a melody to it and singing the words, I’m gonna strum a chord on my acoustic guitar every few seconds and speak the words in a really grating aggressive pretentious voice.” I mean, it’s just ridiculous. Most these “indie bands” will never change the world because they hold it in such contempt. Their fear of pop and the common man will hold them back from ever really making an impact on the world. Ironic that liberalism is supposed to be about openness and acceptance and yet “we” can’t tolerate anyone different than us, or who listens to Britney Spears.
Now this isn’t to defend someone who only listens to pop. But it’s just speaking out against people who aren’t well rounded and accepting of good art and entertainment no matter where it might come from. The person who only listens to Britney Spears is no worse than the person who only listens to jazz or only listens to hip hop. One may be stupid and the other just too specialized, but either way they are both missing out on the fullness of life. So don’t be that guy or gal who takes that pretentious tone and says “I don’t watch TV” or “I don’t listen to the radio” or some other such thing. Such there’s a lot of crap out there, but there’s a lot of good too. Now this is coming from someone who’s as guilty of these sins as anyone, but it’s also coming from someone who coined the phrase “just because it’s on the radio doesn’t mean its bad”. And it’s that side of me I’m going to listen to now. I’m committed to becoming a reformed cultural snob. I can change. We all can. And that’s why I’m admitting to all of this here today.
So repeat after me:
“If it’s good, it’s good…even if Kelly Clarkson sings it”
It’s alright, just say it. Pop music wont bite. It’s perfectly harmless. In fact the way I see it, pop music is like chocolate- it doesn’t really provide any nourishment and if you ate it all the time you would be a fat slovenly bum who would die of a heart attack at age 40, but it does bring pleasure to your life, and when you DO eat it, it’s damn good. So eat your vegetables and your fruits and your grilled chicken pita wraps, but don’t forget dessert. And when you eat that dessert, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel “guilty”. Because unless you’re friends with Laura Flynn Boyle, then everyone you know eats their fair share of sweets. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Indulge a little and don’t be embarrassed about it or feel the need to pretend you didn’t enjoy it or purge it from your system afterwards. Don’t be cultural bulimics. Don’t feel bad about enjoying “The Wedding Crashers”. Don’t hide your copy of “Mean Girls” when you have company. Don’t act like you don’t know the words to “Baby Got Back”. Because when it comes to songs like “Baby Got Back” and “Since U Been Gone” you can’t say they are not catchy, or that they don’t make you want to get up and dance (or at least move around excitedly).
But if you want to accuse them of giving you pleasure…well then…I guess they’re guilty.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Rita Watch (word to my peeps in H-Town)
2.) Common - "Be" (album)
3.) Scrabble
3 & 1/2.) ESPN
Thought of the Week:
"I dont think there are going to be any parents naming their kids Katrina for at least five years now. Just like there havent been too many kids born lately named Nine Eleven." - Caroline McGraw
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Lists Mostly About Music
As you’ve probably noticed, me and VH1 have a lot in common. We both like music. We both love the 90’s. We’re both the bastard stepchildren of MTV. And we both like to make lists of things and rank them. And so I thought it would be fun to share this love of lists by making you read a bunch of pointless ones I came up with off the top of my head. Alcohol might or might not have also been involved. Plus I thought since me making lists was pretentious, self-involved, uninformative, not funny and required very little writing ability it would go in well with the rest of my entries. On the mr. brightside, this will be an entry you'll able to read in under an hour. So fire up your illegal downloading software, or if you are a massive loser, your iTunes music store, and prepare yourself for a bunch of lists (mostly) about music.
Top 3 & 1/2 Unanswered Questions About Music from the 90’s
1.) What exactly is it that the Backstreet Boys wanted and what way did they want it exactly?
2.) When Kurt Cobain said "I don’t have a gun, no I don't have a gun", was he lying? Because it sure seems like he was. Maybe his band mates shouldn’t have taken him at his word. Perhaps they also should have checked his attic
3.) But really, where WERE you while we were getting high?
3 & 1/2.) What the fuck was Michael Stipe talking about?
Top 3 & 1/2 Early Frontrunners for “Song of the Summer”
1.) “Talk” by Coldplay
2.) “I Predict A Riot” by The Kaiser Chiefs
3.) “Best of You” by Foo Fighters
3 & 1/2.) “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by The Black Eyed Peas
Top 3 & 1/2 Responses to “Who’s There?”
1.) Banana
2.) Banana
3.) Banana
3 & 1/2.) Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?
Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix CD
1.) “Hot Black Silk” by Songs:Ohia
2.) “Lovers Spit” by Broken Social Scene
3.) “Too Young” by Phoenix
3 & 1/2.) “Biomusicology” by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Top 3 & 1/2 Sigur Ros Lyrics
1.) Sé sjálfan mig syngja fagnaðarerindið
2.) Ityoowoohoo
3.) Stari a ryðið sem vex á mér
3 & 1/2.) (silence)
Top 3 & 1/2 Albums From 2004 You Should Have But Probably Don’t
1.) Rilo Kiley- More Adventurous
2.) TV on the Radio- Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes
3.) The Arcade Fire- Funeral
3 & 1/2.) The Go Team!- Thunder, Lightning, Strike
Top 3 & 1/2 Kurt Cobain Lyrics
1.) “I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black”
2.) “Who needs actions when you got words?”
3.) “Rape me, my friend”
3 & 1/2.) “What else could I say? / Everyone is gay / What else could I write? / I don't have the right / What else should I be? / All apologies”
Top 3 & 1/2 Uses of a Pre-existing Song in a Movie
Note: trying to narrow this down was as hard as trying to come up with a decent analogy
1.) “Tiny Dancer” in Almost Famous
2.) “Ooh La La” in Rushmore
3.) “The Weight” in The Big Chill
3 & 1/2.) “In Your Eyes” in Say Anything… (I know, I know, how obvious, but I couldn’t leave it off)
Top 3 & 1/2 Thoughts Had While Watching the “Preshow Entertainment” at Loews
1.) I enjoy motion pictures.
2.) That Coke commercial about the guys making the documentary is the best thing I’ve seen in theaters all year. That is sad on so many levels.
3.) I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, but I kinda miss the Fanta girls.
3 & 1/2.) If you want to know why Jodie Foster has had a great career and Kate Hudson hasn’t, then you should compare Skeleton Key and Flightplan.
Top 3 & 1/2 Great Songs That Thru Their Association with a Tragedy Became Transcendent
1.) “Where The Streets Have No Name” (from the 2002 Superbowl Halftime)- 9/11
2.) “All Apologies”- Kurt Cobain’s suicide
3.) “Let It Be”- the breakup of the Beatles
3 & 1/2.) “Lets Get It On”- my prom night
Top 3 & 1/2 Songs on My Ipod That in Some Way Involve Male Royalty
1.) “Kings” by Steely Dan
2.) “Charlemagne in Sweatpants” by The Hold Steady
3.) “Richard III” by Supergrass
3 & 1/2.) “Paper Doll” by Louis XIV
Top 3 & 1/2 Ways Kanye West's Lyric "The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That's the Way I Need Jesus," Could Be Adapted for Other Religions. (Stolen from Mcsweeneys.net)
1.) Islam
The way Madonna need the Kabbalah / The way Skee-Lo needed more royalties from "I wish I was a li'l bit talla" / That the way I need Allah
2.) Shintoism
The way the Bush camp needed to find some WMDs / The way Scottish tourism needs the Hebrides / That how I need various "kami," nature deities
3.) Zoroastrianism
The way the troops need to come home from Basra / The way my friend Terry's dad needs his '96 Mazda / So, too, do I need a Mazda, except I am of course referring to Ahura Mazda, the single supreme god of Zoroastrianism
3 & 1/2.) Atheism
The way the Red Sox need the curse of Babe Ruth / The way Abraham Lincoln needed Booth / That's how much I need a deity of any sort / That is to say, not very much at all
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week
1.) http://dutchwest.tv/
2.) The music from "In Good Company"
3.) Micheal Moore's The Awful Truth: Season Two, Episode 5 - "Ficus for Congress"
3 & 1/2.) RENT: the Movie anticipation
See the trailer: http://movies.channel.aol.com/franchise/exclusives/rent_movie
Thought of the Week:
Since we're now 4 episodes in, its safe to say that not only is Family Guy back but its better than ever. The Van Gough flashback a few weeks ago and the Hiroshima flashback this week were two of the finest moments in the show's history. Just astounding that show is. Sometimes its brillance makes my head hurt.
Top 3 & 1/2 Unanswered Questions About Music from the 90’s
1.) What exactly is it that the Backstreet Boys wanted and what way did they want it exactly?
2.) When Kurt Cobain said "I don’t have a gun, no I don't have a gun", was he lying? Because it sure seems like he was. Maybe his band mates shouldn’t have taken him at his word. Perhaps they also should have checked his attic
3.) But really, where WERE you while we were getting high?
3 & 1/2.) What the fuck was Michael Stipe talking about?
Top 3 & 1/2 Early Frontrunners for “Song of the Summer”
1.) “Talk” by Coldplay
2.) “I Predict A Riot” by The Kaiser Chiefs
3.) “Best of You” by Foo Fighters
3 & 1/2.) “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by The Black Eyed Peas
Top 3 & 1/2 Responses to “Who’s There?”
1.) Banana
2.) Banana
3.) Banana
3 & 1/2.) Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?
Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix CD
1.) “Hot Black Silk” by Songs:Ohia
2.) “Lovers Spit” by Broken Social Scene
3.) “Too Young” by Phoenix
3 & 1/2.) “Biomusicology” by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Top 3 & 1/2 Sigur Ros Lyrics
1.) Sé sjálfan mig syngja fagnaðarerindið
2.) Ityoowoohoo
3.) Stari a ryðið sem vex á mér
3 & 1/2.) (silence)
Top 3 & 1/2 Albums From 2004 You Should Have But Probably Don’t
1.) Rilo Kiley- More Adventurous
2.) TV on the Radio- Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes
3.) The Arcade Fire- Funeral
3 & 1/2.) The Go Team!- Thunder, Lightning, Strike
Top 3 & 1/2 Kurt Cobain Lyrics
1.) “I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black”
2.) “Who needs actions when you got words?”
3.) “Rape me, my friend”
3 & 1/2.) “What else could I say? / Everyone is gay / What else could I write? / I don't have the right / What else should I be? / All apologies”
Top 3 & 1/2 Uses of a Pre-existing Song in a Movie
Note: trying to narrow this down was as hard as trying to come up with a decent analogy
1.) “Tiny Dancer” in Almost Famous
2.) “Ooh La La” in Rushmore
3.) “The Weight” in The Big Chill
3 & 1/2.) “In Your Eyes” in Say Anything… (I know, I know, how obvious, but I couldn’t leave it off)
Top 3 & 1/2 Thoughts Had While Watching the “Preshow Entertainment” at Loews
1.) I enjoy motion pictures.
2.) That Coke commercial about the guys making the documentary is the best thing I’ve seen in theaters all year. That is sad on so many levels.
3.) I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, but I kinda miss the Fanta girls.
3 & 1/2.) If you want to know why Jodie Foster has had a great career and Kate Hudson hasn’t, then you should compare Skeleton Key and Flightplan.
Top 3 & 1/2 Great Songs That Thru Their Association with a Tragedy Became Transcendent
1.) “Where The Streets Have No Name” (from the 2002 Superbowl Halftime)- 9/11
2.) “All Apologies”- Kurt Cobain’s suicide
3.) “Let It Be”- the breakup of the Beatles
3 & 1/2.) “Lets Get It On”- my prom night
Top 3 & 1/2 Songs on My Ipod That in Some Way Involve Male Royalty
1.) “Kings” by Steely Dan
2.) “Charlemagne in Sweatpants” by The Hold Steady
3.) “Richard III” by Supergrass
3 & 1/2.) “Paper Doll” by Louis XIV
Top 3 & 1/2 Ways Kanye West's Lyric "The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That's the Way I Need Jesus," Could Be Adapted for Other Religions. (Stolen from Mcsweeneys.net)
1.) Islam
The way Madonna need the Kabbalah / The way Skee-Lo needed more royalties from "I wish I was a li'l bit talla" / That the way I need Allah
2.) Shintoism
The way the Bush camp needed to find some WMDs / The way Scottish tourism needs the Hebrides / That how I need various "kami," nature deities
3.) Zoroastrianism
The way the troops need to come home from Basra / The way my friend Terry's dad needs his '96 Mazda / So, too, do I need a Mazda, except I am of course referring to Ahura Mazda, the single supreme god of Zoroastrianism
3 & 1/2.) Atheism
The way the Red Sox need the curse of Babe Ruth / The way Abraham Lincoln needed Booth / That's how much I need a deity of any sort / That is to say, not very much at all
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week
1.) http://dutchwest.tv/
2.) The music from "In Good Company"
3.) Micheal Moore's The Awful Truth: Season Two, Episode 5 - "Ficus for Congress"
3 & 1/2.) RENT: the Movie anticipation
See the trailer: http://movies.channel.aol.com/franchise/exclusives/rent_movie
Thought of the Week:
Since we're now 4 episodes in, its safe to say that not only is Family Guy back but its better than ever. The Van Gough flashback a few weeks ago and the Hiroshima flashback this week were two of the finest moments in the show's history. Just astounding that show is. Sometimes its brillance makes my head hurt.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Thoughts Had While Listening To The Radio II
*With each passing day it really becomes clearer doesn’t it? Biggie was much better than Tupac.
*People always ridicule pop singers for being artificial, processed, untalented, unauthentic, media creations. These same people probably also like hip-hop. I have yet to ever really hear the irony of this commented on, because although hip-hop is all about “keeping it real” isn’t it really pretty much as processed and artificial as pop these days, only instead of featuring attractive white teenagers singing about love it features African American (black) people rapping about murder, sex, and “bling-bling” (a great term if there ever was one…)? I mean just look at the idea of “bling-bling” for example. Most of the raps are always about what possessions someone has. Last time I checked being completely superficial and surface was why pop music is so “whack”, yet superficiality seems to be what hip-hop these days is all about. And last time I checked almost no rapper plays their own instruments, or plays any instruments period for that matter, nor do they produce their own beats. So if Britney Spears is criticized for not making her own songs or playing her own instruments then why is Ludacris artistically praised when all he does for his songs is make up three verses of rhyming words (not very well might I add)? And you’re telling me rappers these days don’t have images and personas that are as artificial and manufactured as pop stars? When you get down to it the only difference between Ashlee Simpson and 50 Cent, is that he’s been shot nine times and she should be. Sure Jay-Z is actually from “the streets” and Avril Lavigne isn’t from, well, wherever punks are from, but isn’t it all marketing anyway? This of course isn’t to say there’s not some truly great hip-hop because of course there is, but its all just something to think about I guess.
*If radio stations just played commercials for as many minutes as they spent telling us about how they are “commercial free” I think we’d all be better off.
*So apparently the new thing for “alternative rock” bands to do is record cheesy ballads that decidedly do not rock. I’m guessing these bands saw the success of “The Reason” by Hoobastank and thought, “hey we can do that”. While they were indeed correct, because of course who wouldn’t be able to write a song as “good” as "The Reason", the thought they should have really had was “do we want to do that?”. I think, as a general rule in life, anything inspired by a band named Hoobastank is a bad idea. I mean Hoobastank? Really? Lets look at that name for a second fellas. We’ve got “Hooba” as in, well, nothing, and “stank” as in, a really stupid word. So there you have it folks. “Nothingareallystupidword”: the face of faceless rock in the year 2004.
*As “Lil’ Flip” approaches middle age will he become just plain “Flip”?
*Is there anything more fun in the world then providing running commentary to go along with the song “Leave (Get Out)” by JoJo? (Well besides listening to that voice that shouts out random words in the background that is). Of course the key to this game is to remember that JoJo is 13. Yes, 13. Knowing this information provides one with a wealth of material to use in this activity. For example: If she is telling him to “get out” does that mean they were alone at her house together without adult supervision? And how is he going to “leave” exactly? Ride his bike? Call his mom to come pick him up? When she says “you promised me forever” was that maybe in retrospect a bit shortsighted on his part? And when she says “boy, I gave up everything I had” what exactly does this entail? 12 dollars, some shoes, and several outfits from Express? The possibilities for commentary are truly endless. Gather your friends around and play along. I’m telling you, you can’t beat it for sheer entertainment value.
*Speaking of asking questions, is there a better five seconds or so on the radio right now than when Jadakiss asks “why did Bush knock down the towers” and “why (Kobe) kiss that whore”? Every time I hear it I always think, “oh no he just didn’t”. But then I realize that “oh yes he just did”. And that I’m white.
*Finally, just in case you missed the memo, because I know I did, Brandy is now “cool” and “urban” and “possessing a personality”. So I guess that finally settles once and for all the great debate of the late 90’s. The boy was hers.
*People always ridicule pop singers for being artificial, processed, untalented, unauthentic, media creations. These same people probably also like hip-hop. I have yet to ever really hear the irony of this commented on, because although hip-hop is all about “keeping it real” isn’t it really pretty much as processed and artificial as pop these days, only instead of featuring attractive white teenagers singing about love it features African American (black) people rapping about murder, sex, and “bling-bling” (a great term if there ever was one…)? I mean just look at the idea of “bling-bling” for example. Most of the raps are always about what possessions someone has. Last time I checked being completely superficial and surface was why pop music is so “whack”, yet superficiality seems to be what hip-hop these days is all about. And last time I checked almost no rapper plays their own instruments, or plays any instruments period for that matter, nor do they produce their own beats. So if Britney Spears is criticized for not making her own songs or playing her own instruments then why is Ludacris artistically praised when all he does for his songs is make up three verses of rhyming words (not very well might I add)? And you’re telling me rappers these days don’t have images and personas that are as artificial and manufactured as pop stars? When you get down to it the only difference between Ashlee Simpson and 50 Cent, is that he’s been shot nine times and she should be. Sure Jay-Z is actually from “the streets” and Avril Lavigne isn’t from, well, wherever punks are from, but isn’t it all marketing anyway? This of course isn’t to say there’s not some truly great hip-hop because of course there is, but its all just something to think about I guess.
*If radio stations just played commercials for as many minutes as they spent telling us about how they are “commercial free” I think we’d all be better off.
*So apparently the new thing for “alternative rock” bands to do is record cheesy ballads that decidedly do not rock. I’m guessing these bands saw the success of “The Reason” by Hoobastank and thought, “hey we can do that”. While they were indeed correct, because of course who wouldn’t be able to write a song as “good” as "The Reason", the thought they should have really had was “do we want to do that?”. I think, as a general rule in life, anything inspired by a band named Hoobastank is a bad idea. I mean Hoobastank? Really? Lets look at that name for a second fellas. We’ve got “Hooba” as in, well, nothing, and “stank” as in, a really stupid word. So there you have it folks. “Nothingareallystupidword”: the face of faceless rock in the year 2004.
*As “Lil’ Flip” approaches middle age will he become just plain “Flip”?
*Is there anything more fun in the world then providing running commentary to go along with the song “Leave (Get Out)” by JoJo? (Well besides listening to that voice that shouts out random words in the background that is). Of course the key to this game is to remember that JoJo is 13. Yes, 13. Knowing this information provides one with a wealth of material to use in this activity. For example: If she is telling him to “get out” does that mean they were alone at her house together without adult supervision? And how is he going to “leave” exactly? Ride his bike? Call his mom to come pick him up? When she says “you promised me forever” was that maybe in retrospect a bit shortsighted on his part? And when she says “boy, I gave up everything I had” what exactly does this entail? 12 dollars, some shoes, and several outfits from Express? The possibilities for commentary are truly endless. Gather your friends around and play along. I’m telling you, you can’t beat it for sheer entertainment value.
*Speaking of asking questions, is there a better five seconds or so on the radio right now than when Jadakiss asks “why did Bush knock down the towers” and “why (Kobe) kiss that whore”? Every time I hear it I always think, “oh no he just didn’t”. But then I realize that “oh yes he just did”. And that I’m white.
*Finally, just in case you missed the memo, because I know I did, Brandy is now “cool” and “urban” and “possessing a personality”. So I guess that finally settles once and for all the great debate of the late 90’s. The boy was hers.
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