Hi there. I’m writing really small because I have an important and very personal secret to reveal to you today.
I like a Kelly Clarkson song.
Yes, that Kelly Clarkson. I like one of her songs.
No I don’t think U you understand. I really, REALLY like a Kelly Clarkson song. I like a Kelly Clarkson song so much that after living in place for seven months that didn’t allow me to illegally download music the first thing I did upon setting up my computer in my new place was to download said Kelly Clarkson song. I did that before I even hooked up my printer or speakers. That’s how much I like “Since U Been Gone”. And believe it or not, I’m not even gay! So I don’t even have a valid excuse.
Oh yeah, except this one: It’s a good song.
Now I do realize I’m revealing this secret on the internet in an online blog, the province of the innately hip and judgmental. I know that people like you never let arguments like “it’s a good song” get in the way of your cultural superiority. But guess what? You like it too. Don’t worry though, Ted Leo said its okay. In fact he liked the song so much he did a cover of it. That’s right, Mr. Ted Leo, of Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – the most hip pretentious band name since Stephan Malkimus and the Jicks or whatever Billy Corgan’s next band is called - did a cover of “Since U Been Gone”. So there. Fredtheonlinejournal and Ted Leo both have publicly stated they like “Since U Been Gone”. What you got to say about that?
Now “cool” people have been secretly liking “manufactured radio friendly pop songs” since the beginning of time. I’m sure Olaf the Caveman used to keep his Goldor Boys CDs in a special CD case under his bed where no one would find them. And this continues today. I know you’ve got your ABBA Gold in between your A Tribe Called Quest and your Aphex Twin on your Ipod. And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. And that’s what me and Ted Leo are here to tell you: Stop feeling guilty about your guilty pleasures.
Now I know all the reasons one “should” feel guilty about liking a radio friendly pop song produced by some faceless corporate entity and performed by some prepackaged artificial pop star, but I aint buyin any of them. As proof let me one by one remove them from my ideological shopping cart so we can proceed to the conclusion without them.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t write their own songs!”
Well neither did Elvis or Frank Sinatra or Aretha Franklin. Hell Bobby Darin’s entire career was founded on a song by Bertolt Brecht. Ray Charles didn’t write “Georgia on My Mind” On”, Sinead O’Connor didn’t write “Nothing Compares to U”, Marvin Gaye wasn’t the original author of “Whats Goin On” and Sisquo didn’t write “The Thong Song”. Does that somehow make them not as good? Actually lets just forget that last one. I think Sisquo actually DID write “The Thong Song”.
*“(Fill in the blank) doesn’t play their own instruments!”
Did Otis Redding play an instrument? Did Robert Plant? Does Bono? Does Meg White?
*”(Fill in the blank) is so mainstream and/or lacking in artistic merit!”
You know who was the biggest mainstream pop band of all time? The Beatles. I mean what else would you classify their music as? You know who else is “pop”? The B-52s, Brian Wilson, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Billy Joel, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, Phil Spector, Carol King, Prince, Steely Dan, Todd Rundgren, ELO, The Bee Gees, and the list goes on and on. You like any music by any of those artists? Then what’s the big deal?
Well, let me assume some things about the general attitude many people around here have towards pop music because we all know what assuming does.
It makes me really cool.
“Pop” is short for “popular”. Which is what you weren’t earlier in life, or maybe even today. Okay, I get it. But don’t take it out on music. “Mmmbop” never shoved you in a locker. “Cry Me A River” never wouldn’t go to the dance with you. “Fred the Online Journal” didn’t just use a double negative in that last sentence. “I’m” not a liar. But I am veering wildly off track. Point is, get down off your high horse and accept that just because something is popular doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact if the goal of art is to express universal truths then shouldn’t it stand to reason that the art that speaks to the greatest number of people is greater than the art that speaks to only a few. “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, “Joshua Tree”, “American Idiot”, “Nevermind”, “OK Computer”- these are albums that are able to be of the highest artistic quality and yet also be found in nearly everyone’s CD collection. Now of course those are all “cool” albums, but we all know you have “Thriller”, “Cracked Rear View”, “Justified”, “Devil Without a Cause”, “Saturday Night Fever”, “The Immaculate Collection”, a few 20th Century Master’s CDs, and who knows what else too. And you know what? Those albums aren’t any less valid. They serve just as a great a purpose as the ones on the first list. And I should know because I own them all too. And I’m proud of it. Because SOMETHING about those multi-million copy selling CDs speaks to great numbers of people, even if the only thing it speaks to is the desire to “shake your ass” and/or “watch yourself”. But even if getting you to dance is its only real goal, popular mainstream songs definitely serve an invaluable role in the world. Pop music strives to create a shared experience among all people. A sort of musical bond. Put on Wilco at a social function and it’s nice and all, but put on “YMCA” “Bohemian Rhapsody” or “Ice Ice Baby” and see what happens. The world needs songs that EVERYONE knows and enjoys.
Also, these songs often speak in the most direct way to universal themes. Love, betrayal, lust, longing, hurt. You know, those cliché things called emotions. You can’t tell me that “Sometimes” by Britney Spears and “What a Girl Wants” by Christina Aguliara aren’t deep in their own ways. And explain to me how Beck singing “Na na Na na na na Na na” or “flashdance asspants” is any more artistically valid than Hanson singing “Mmmbop ba du ba dop Ba du bop”. Is it just because he’s Beck and they’re Hanson? That argument won’t hold up in court.
Instead of fighting it, just embrace that fact that sometimes when you need a little directness or a little nonsense it doesn’t really matter where it comes from. Which brings us back to “Since U Been Gone”, a song that carries on the proud tradition of “I Will Survive”, “Survivor”, and everything else in the “I’m Better Off Without You” genre. Sure when you have a breakup, “Sea Change” and Elliot Smith are nice. But I bet some mid 90’s country music and “Since U Been Gone” work pretty good too.
Someone wiser than I once said there’s not “high art” and “low art”, there’s just “art”. And I think that’s true. And in fact trying to go against that maxim usually leads to trouble. For as many songs as there are like “Since U Been Gone” that shouldn’t be good but are, there are just as many songs that should be good but aren’t because they try so hard to be “artistic”. For exhibits A-Z turn to Bright Eyes’ “When the President Talks to God”. It’s a great song lyrically and I firmly believe it could have actually made a difference in the election if the words and ideas in it had been heard by more people. But of course Connor Oberst wrapped his lyrics in a strictly acoustic song devoid of any rhythm or melody. If he had actually wanted to make a difference with his song he would have added a bunch of “music” to it, actually bothered to sing the words, and given it some sort of catchy or memorable or at least existent melody. That way it could have been played on the radio reached the people who needed to hear it and really made a difference in the world. Instead he refused to sacrifice one ounce of his “indie cred” to actually make a difference in the world and instead made the song as hip and inaccessible as possible insuring that it would only ever be heard by and affect those who already agreed with him in the first place. It would be like if John Fogarty had said “hey I’ve got this song ‘Fortunate Son’ but instead of putting a melody to it and singing the words, I’m gonna strum a chord on my acoustic guitar every few seconds and speak the words in a really grating aggressive pretentious voice.” I mean, it’s just ridiculous. Most these “indie bands” will never change the world because they hold it in such contempt. Their fear of pop and the common man will hold them back from ever really making an impact on the world. Ironic that liberalism is supposed to be about openness and acceptance and yet “we” can’t tolerate anyone different than us, or who listens to Britney Spears.
Now this isn’t to defend someone who only listens to pop. But it’s just speaking out against people who aren’t well rounded and accepting of good art and entertainment no matter where it might come from. The person who only listens to Britney Spears is no worse than the person who only listens to jazz or only listens to hip hop. One may be stupid and the other just too specialized, but either way they are both missing out on the fullness of life. So don’t be that guy or gal who takes that pretentious tone and says “I don’t watch TV” or “I don’t listen to the radio” or some other such thing. Such there’s a lot of crap out there, but there’s a lot of good too. Now this is coming from someone who’s as guilty of these sins as anyone, but it’s also coming from someone who coined the phrase “just because it’s on the radio doesn’t mean its bad”. And it’s that side of me I’m going to listen to now. I’m committed to becoming a reformed cultural snob. I can change. We all can. And that’s why I’m admitting to all of this here today.
So repeat after me:
“If it’s good, it’s good…even if Kelly Clarkson sings it”
It’s alright, just say it. Pop music wont bite. It’s perfectly harmless. In fact the way I see it, pop music is like chocolate- it doesn’t really provide any nourishment and if you ate it all the time you would be a fat slovenly bum who would die of a heart attack at age 40, but it does bring pleasure to your life, and when you DO eat it, it’s damn good. So eat your vegetables and your fruits and your grilled chicken pita wraps, but don’t forget dessert. And when you eat that dessert, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t feel “guilty”. Because unless you’re friends with Laura Flynn Boyle, then everyone you know eats their fair share of sweets. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Indulge a little and don’t be embarrassed about it or feel the need to pretend you didn’t enjoy it or purge it from your system afterwards. Don’t be cultural bulimics. Don’t feel bad about enjoying “The Wedding Crashers”. Don’t hide your copy of “Mean Girls” when you have company. Don’t act like you don’t know the words to “Baby Got Back”. Because when it comes to songs like “Baby Got Back” and “Since U Been Gone” you can’t say they are not catchy, or that they don’t make you want to get up and dance (or at least move around excitedly).
But if you want to accuse them of giving you pleasure…well then…I guess they’re guilty.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) The Rita Watch (word to my peeps in H-Town)
2.) Common - "Be" (album)
3.) Scrabble
3 & 1/2.) ESPN
Thought of the Week:
"I dont think there are going to be any parents naming their kids Katrina for at least five years now. Just like there havent been too many kids born lately named Nine Eleven." - Caroline McGraw
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
MTV Killed the Video Star
Sometimes you know things will disappoint you but you do them anyway. Watching Saturday Night Live, paying to see a new Star Wars movie, having sex with your mom, and of course watching the VMAs. It wasn’t always like this though. As recently as three years ago the VMAs had Eminem feuding with puppets, Chris Rock insulting celebrities to their face, a guy from Rage Against the Machine climbing on the set, Blink 182 dancing with midgets, and girls kissin’ other girls while dressed in wedding attire. Now though, we got R. Kelly lip-synching, MC Hammer attempting to be cool, and Diddy not doing anything even remotely funny. This of course answers the question everyone has been asking me which is: “Diddy?” Well no, he didn’t.
Moving on…
All in all, it was even more unmemorable than last year and that’s saying something. In fact it took me a week after the fact to even post this, because I figured that’s how long it would take most people to bother to check out the show on one of MTV’s five reruns a day. More troubling than the lack of excitement this year though, was seeing what was nominated for the top awards. Usually no matter how bad the show itself was, the awards part of the evening was pretty good. Quality videos were always nominated and you usually cared what won. Sure there was some crap thrown in, but when it came to the biggies like “Video of the Year” and the “MTV2 Award” usually all the nominees were really high quality groundbreaking videos, sometimes for relative obscure acts. Don’t forget, videos like “Freak on a Leash” “Hurt” “99 Problems” “Virtual Insanity” “Buddy Holly” and “Weapon of Choice” were all nominated for the top award. And in perhaps the best case ever of “sticking it to the man” when said “man” is yourself, Neil Young’s “This Note’s for You” video won Video of the Year even though MTV refused to ever air it. Now you may ask yourself how I remember that. Well it’s because I remember that video. I remember all those aforementioned videos. They made an impact on me and impressed me with their artistry. In our lifetime we’ve seen videos go from being a mere promotional tool for a song to an art form in and of itself. So that’s why it’s depressing to look at the nominees from this year. Sure “Speed of Sound” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” are great songs, but great videos? That’s questionable at best. And you can honestly tell me that the videos for “Locked Up” and “Still Tippin’” have a shred of artistic merit? Of course you can’t. But then again you can’t say much about them, because you’ve probably never even seen them. No one has. Because MTV has given up on videos. Now I know that it’s been en vogue to hate on the station that brought us En Vogue for not playing videos since almost the day the station started, but it’s truer now that it ever has been. It’s gotten so bad that now MTV has actually lunched an ad campaign to defend itself against the criticism that they no longer play videos. Funny thing is if they would just spend all the time they use defending themselves against the charges that they don’t play video to, oh I dunno, actually play videos, then we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. But we are instead now at a point where no one can even debate whether the VMAs nominees are good or bad because no one has seen any of the videos. The sad part is that the quality of videos being produced is constantly getting better and better, yet the average person doesn’t ever get to see them. There’s stuff out there now that’s better shot and more creative and artistically relevant than 90% of feature films. But you would never know that from watching MTV. Because they refuse to acknowledge that videos even exist. Its like a father leaving his family, but instead of leaving the kids when they are little, waiting instead until they have grown up into genius world-renowned superstars and then ditching them to go marry some stripper he met at a bar and raise her dirty drug addict kids in their place. Any way you want to look at it the relationship between MTV and the art form they helped spawn couldn’t be any more sad and ironic. And not ironic in an Alanis Moresitte not-actually-ironic-but-really-more-just-coincidental way, but in an actually ironic way. Also, did I mention it’s really sad? I mean they birthed the art form of videos and then left it for dead. But just like Moses, videos will one day rise up and have all of your first-born male children killed. And they will part the Red Sea too. I know they will. Because they are just that cool. As for things that aren’t cool, well here are my other thoughts on the VMAs:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Believe me no one likes "Mr. Brightside" more than me, but perhaps it’s time for a new song. The fireworks were pretty fuckin cool though. On a related note can we get Brandon Flowers some charisma? I think Kayne can loan you some dude.
-Does Lil’ Kim appreciate the irony of her name?
-Remember when Diddy invented the remix?
-Has anyone ever seen Ciarra and Beyonce in the same place at the same time? Just wondering…
-Whoever is in charge of the Taco Bell ads must be stopped. Seriously someone is gonna get hurt and its probably gonna be me.
-Did you know Rachael McAdams is 29?!? How is this possible?
Who the hell is…
…The Bishop Magic Don Juan?
…BS?
…T.I.?
-Sometimes the pressure to make a good joke is just too intense. For example see the reageton performance.
-If I killed Eva Longoria would anyone be opposed?
-On a related note: Ricky Martin is still alive?
-Some things you can live down, some things you cant, and some things are Mariah Carey’s episode of “Cribs”
-What exactly is a hollaback girl?
(How has no one looked into this yet?)
-Run away winner for Quote of the Night:
Kurt Loder on the post show: “Word to the reaggeton thing”
-The Gorillaz aren’t there to accept their award? How can this be?!?
-With Shakira is the actual music she’s dancing to even relevant at this point?
-Can someone please explain “Trapped in the Closet” to me? I mean who would imagine that the song would actually be gayer than the title? And how did it get so much radio play? Really I don’t understand the whole thing. It’s one of the more bizarre musical phenomenons in our lifetime, and the strangeness of it all hasn’t gotten nearly the analysis it needs. I would do the job myself if I even remotely comprehended it. And what the deal with R. Kelly? Isn’t he supposed to be in jail or something? Can we please get that trial under way VERY soon?
-Someone did tell 50 Cent that when you cuss on live TV they just mute the sound right?
-Is it wrong of me that I actually care about the fate of Hilary Duff and Joel Madden as a couple?…Okay let’s just pretend I never mentioned this…
-Do you ever wonder what real non-reality show created artists think about the success of Kelly Clarkson? Do you ever wonder if Kelly Clarkson’s shoes wonder where he feet are? Do you ever wonder if I might or might not write a lengthy essay devoted entirely to “Since U Been Gone”? Well you should.
-I think more really needs to be being made about what Green Day is doing right now. If Ray Charles hadn’t died I think there is universal agreement that they would have won the Grammy for Album of the Year and would have deserved it. They now have also swept a youth oriented awards show on a station that doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of rock anymore. They have an album that is not only the best of its year, but also the most popular of its year. How many bands have been able to make that claim? Very, very few. There have already been four top 20 singles off “American Idiot” and there will likely be two or three more before all is said and done. And there are only 13 tracks on the album. That’s an almost “Thriller” like ratio of hits to non-hits. And it’s not just that they are hits. There are also freakishly good songs. And it’s not just the most popular and one of the best selling albums of the year, it’s also the most important "punk" album since “London Calling” in terms of scope, influence, quality, and relevance. All this being said I think its clear that Green Day isn’t getting nearly enough credit for what they are in the midst of accomplishing. I mean if you can get an 8-minute 5-part intro to a punk rock opera not only played on the radio, but played with extreme frequency, then that opens the door for pretty much anything in not only the world of punk, but in the world of popular music as a whole. In an era when it feels like everything has already been done, especially in rock/punk, when new things are done I don’t think there’s any way to overstate their importance. I could say more but my fingers might start to bleed if I really let loose. Just know that with Green Day right now, we are experiencing something we may never experience again, and appreciate it and soak it up now for all its worth, cause who knows when the next time is that something like this will come along.
Best commercials aired during the show:
1.) Any and all Red Stripe commercials
2.) The salmon eaten by bear Geico commercial
3.) The monster/robot Hummer H3 commercial
Things Diddy should have asked My Chemical Romance to do other than perform:
1.) Rehearse
2.) Get him a sandwich
3.) Not perform
Best rap names I had never heard before the VMAs
1.) Fat Man Scoop
2.) Styles P
3.) Olu Dara
Me Responding to Rap Songs:
T.I.- “U Don’t Know Me”: “You’re right. I don’t.”
Mike Jones- “Who is Mike Jones?”: “I don’t know”
Snoop- “Drop It Like It’s Hot”: “Okay”
Destiny’s Child- “Lose My Breath”: “I'd be glad to help with that.”
Ciarra- “Oh”: “Oh?”
-Okay so this is only tangentially related to the VMAs but another day cannot go by without me discussing a topic that is very important to me: Formula 50 Vitamin Water. That’s right, 50 Cent’s very own flavor of Vitamin Water. I seriously don’t even know where to begin when discussion this other than with a simple question: how? For a little review before we begin- Jay-Z promotes a Grey Goose cognac, Nelly has something called “Pimp Juice”, and Lil’ Jon of course has “Crunk Juice”. What does 50 Cent, the gangsterist gangster of them all have? A flavor of water. How did this happen?!? Were the people at Vitamin Water sitting around in their boardroom one day thinking, “Who would be a person who you would associate with vitamin infused water?” and they came up with 50 Cent? And its not like there’s a line of celebrity endorsed flavors. No, its JUST 50 Cent! That’s it. Seriously is there anything LESS hardcore than vitamin water? I mean who pays $2.50 for a bottle of water? Rich people, trendy people, and idiots. And 50 Cent only appeals to one of those groups. I really don’t get it. And how is this not a bigger topic of national discussion? I mean has there been anything more baffling than this since the release of Donnie Darko? I think not. Okay, I have to stop talking about this now under doctor’s orders.
I’m off now to go get my prescription refilled.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Kayne West- "Late Registartion" (Album) (More on this one at a later date...)
2.) OK Go- "A Million Ways" video
3.) Watching Fox News for the entertainment value
3 & 1/2.) Labor
Thought of the Week:
I dont want to really get into in this space, but I would just like to say that I think Katrina is worse than 9/11. Not that theres any way to compare disaters and not that even doing such a thing isnt inherently wrong, disrepectful, and insenstive, but I just hadnt heard that really mentioned and thats really how I feel. As bad as 9/11 was, ultimately the permannt long-lasting damage to those not directly involved, was the loss of two buildings. Katrina has wiped one of the great American cities off the map, and unlike with 9/11 when people said nothing would ever be the same, in this case, things really never will be the same. New Orleans as we know it is gone, never to return. Its really too unfathomable to even comprehend. If your heart doesnt ache then you dont have one. Thats all I really have to say in this space. Thanks for listening.
Moving on…
All in all, it was even more unmemorable than last year and that’s saying something. In fact it took me a week after the fact to even post this, because I figured that’s how long it would take most people to bother to check out the show on one of MTV’s five reruns a day. More troubling than the lack of excitement this year though, was seeing what was nominated for the top awards. Usually no matter how bad the show itself was, the awards part of the evening was pretty good. Quality videos were always nominated and you usually cared what won. Sure there was some crap thrown in, but when it came to the biggies like “Video of the Year” and the “MTV2 Award” usually all the nominees were really high quality groundbreaking videos, sometimes for relative obscure acts. Don’t forget, videos like “Freak on a Leash” “Hurt” “99 Problems” “Virtual Insanity” “Buddy Holly” and “Weapon of Choice” were all nominated for the top award. And in perhaps the best case ever of “sticking it to the man” when said “man” is yourself, Neil Young’s “This Note’s for You” video won Video of the Year even though MTV refused to ever air it. Now you may ask yourself how I remember that. Well it’s because I remember that video. I remember all those aforementioned videos. They made an impact on me and impressed me with their artistry. In our lifetime we’ve seen videos go from being a mere promotional tool for a song to an art form in and of itself. So that’s why it’s depressing to look at the nominees from this year. Sure “Speed of Sound” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” are great songs, but great videos? That’s questionable at best. And you can honestly tell me that the videos for “Locked Up” and “Still Tippin’” have a shred of artistic merit? Of course you can’t. But then again you can’t say much about them, because you’ve probably never even seen them. No one has. Because MTV has given up on videos. Now I know that it’s been en vogue to hate on the station that brought us En Vogue for not playing videos since almost the day the station started, but it’s truer now that it ever has been. It’s gotten so bad that now MTV has actually lunched an ad campaign to defend itself against the criticism that they no longer play videos. Funny thing is if they would just spend all the time they use defending themselves against the charges that they don’t play video to, oh I dunno, actually play videos, then we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. But we are instead now at a point where no one can even debate whether the VMAs nominees are good or bad because no one has seen any of the videos. The sad part is that the quality of videos being produced is constantly getting better and better, yet the average person doesn’t ever get to see them. There’s stuff out there now that’s better shot and more creative and artistically relevant than 90% of feature films. But you would never know that from watching MTV. Because they refuse to acknowledge that videos even exist. Its like a father leaving his family, but instead of leaving the kids when they are little, waiting instead until they have grown up into genius world-renowned superstars and then ditching them to go marry some stripper he met at a bar and raise her dirty drug addict kids in their place. Any way you want to look at it the relationship between MTV and the art form they helped spawn couldn’t be any more sad and ironic. And not ironic in an Alanis Moresitte not-actually-ironic-but-really-more-just-coincidental way, but in an actually ironic way. Also, did I mention it’s really sad? I mean they birthed the art form of videos and then left it for dead. But just like Moses, videos will one day rise up and have all of your first-born male children killed. And they will part the Red Sea too. I know they will. Because they are just that cool. As for things that aren’t cool, well here are my other thoughts on the VMAs:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Believe me no one likes "Mr. Brightside" more than me, but perhaps it’s time for a new song. The fireworks were pretty fuckin cool though. On a related note can we get Brandon Flowers some charisma? I think Kayne can loan you some dude.
-Does Lil’ Kim appreciate the irony of her name?
-Remember when Diddy invented the remix?
-Has anyone ever seen Ciarra and Beyonce in the same place at the same time? Just wondering…
-Whoever is in charge of the Taco Bell ads must be stopped. Seriously someone is gonna get hurt and its probably gonna be me.
-Did you know Rachael McAdams is 29?!? How is this possible?
Who the hell is…
…The Bishop Magic Don Juan?
…BS?
…T.I.?
-Sometimes the pressure to make a good joke is just too intense. For example see the reageton performance.
-If I killed Eva Longoria would anyone be opposed?
-On a related note: Ricky Martin is still alive?
-Some things you can live down, some things you cant, and some things are Mariah Carey’s episode of “Cribs”
-What exactly is a hollaback girl?
(How has no one looked into this yet?)
-Run away winner for Quote of the Night:
Kurt Loder on the post show: “Word to the reaggeton thing”
-The Gorillaz aren’t there to accept their award? How can this be?!?
-With Shakira is the actual music she’s dancing to even relevant at this point?
-Can someone please explain “Trapped in the Closet” to me? I mean who would imagine that the song would actually be gayer than the title? And how did it get so much radio play? Really I don’t understand the whole thing. It’s one of the more bizarre musical phenomenons in our lifetime, and the strangeness of it all hasn’t gotten nearly the analysis it needs. I would do the job myself if I even remotely comprehended it. And what the deal with R. Kelly? Isn’t he supposed to be in jail or something? Can we please get that trial under way VERY soon?
-Someone did tell 50 Cent that when you cuss on live TV they just mute the sound right?
-Is it wrong of me that I actually care about the fate of Hilary Duff and Joel Madden as a couple?…Okay let’s just pretend I never mentioned this…
-Do you ever wonder what real non-reality show created artists think about the success of Kelly Clarkson? Do you ever wonder if Kelly Clarkson’s shoes wonder where he feet are? Do you ever wonder if I might or might not write a lengthy essay devoted entirely to “Since U Been Gone”? Well you should.
-I think more really needs to be being made about what Green Day is doing right now. If Ray Charles hadn’t died I think there is universal agreement that they would have won the Grammy for Album of the Year and would have deserved it. They now have also swept a youth oriented awards show on a station that doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of rock anymore. They have an album that is not only the best of its year, but also the most popular of its year. How many bands have been able to make that claim? Very, very few. There have already been four top 20 singles off “American Idiot” and there will likely be two or three more before all is said and done. And there are only 13 tracks on the album. That’s an almost “Thriller” like ratio of hits to non-hits. And it’s not just that they are hits. There are also freakishly good songs. And it’s not just the most popular and one of the best selling albums of the year, it’s also the most important "punk" album since “London Calling” in terms of scope, influence, quality, and relevance. All this being said I think its clear that Green Day isn’t getting nearly enough credit for what they are in the midst of accomplishing. I mean if you can get an 8-minute 5-part intro to a punk rock opera not only played on the radio, but played with extreme frequency, then that opens the door for pretty much anything in not only the world of punk, but in the world of popular music as a whole. In an era when it feels like everything has already been done, especially in rock/punk, when new things are done I don’t think there’s any way to overstate their importance. I could say more but my fingers might start to bleed if I really let loose. Just know that with Green Day right now, we are experiencing something we may never experience again, and appreciate it and soak it up now for all its worth, cause who knows when the next time is that something like this will come along.
Best commercials aired during the show:
1.) Any and all Red Stripe commercials
2.) The salmon eaten by bear Geico commercial
3.) The monster/robot Hummer H3 commercial
Things Diddy should have asked My Chemical Romance to do other than perform:
1.) Rehearse
2.) Get him a sandwich
3.) Not perform
Best rap names I had never heard before the VMAs
1.) Fat Man Scoop
2.) Styles P
3.) Olu Dara
Me Responding to Rap Songs:
T.I.- “U Don’t Know Me”: “You’re right. I don’t.”
Mike Jones- “Who is Mike Jones?”: “I don’t know”
Snoop- “Drop It Like It’s Hot”: “Okay”
Destiny’s Child- “Lose My Breath”: “I'd be glad to help with that.”
Ciarra- “Oh”: “Oh?”
-Okay so this is only tangentially related to the VMAs but another day cannot go by without me discussing a topic that is very important to me: Formula 50 Vitamin Water. That’s right, 50 Cent’s very own flavor of Vitamin Water. I seriously don’t even know where to begin when discussion this other than with a simple question: how? For a little review before we begin- Jay-Z promotes a Grey Goose cognac, Nelly has something called “Pimp Juice”, and Lil’ Jon of course has “Crunk Juice”. What does 50 Cent, the gangsterist gangster of them all have? A flavor of water. How did this happen?!? Were the people at Vitamin Water sitting around in their boardroom one day thinking, “Who would be a person who you would associate with vitamin infused water?” and they came up with 50 Cent? And its not like there’s a line of celebrity endorsed flavors. No, its JUST 50 Cent! That’s it. Seriously is there anything LESS hardcore than vitamin water? I mean who pays $2.50 for a bottle of water? Rich people, trendy people, and idiots. And 50 Cent only appeals to one of those groups. I really don’t get it. And how is this not a bigger topic of national discussion? I mean has there been anything more baffling than this since the release of Donnie Darko? I think not. Okay, I have to stop talking about this now under doctor’s orders.
I’m off now to go get my prescription refilled.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Kayne West- "Late Registartion" (Album) (More on this one at a later date...)
2.) OK Go- "A Million Ways" video
3.) Watching Fox News for the entertainment value
3 & 1/2.) Labor
Thought of the Week:
I dont want to really get into in this space, but I would just like to say that I think Katrina is worse than 9/11. Not that theres any way to compare disaters and not that even doing such a thing isnt inherently wrong, disrepectful, and insenstive, but I just hadnt heard that really mentioned and thats really how I feel. As bad as 9/11 was, ultimately the permannt long-lasting damage to those not directly involved, was the loss of two buildings. Katrina has wiped one of the great American cities off the map, and unlike with 9/11 when people said nothing would ever be the same, in this case, things really never will be the same. New Orleans as we know it is gone, never to return. Its really too unfathomable to even comprehend. If your heart doesnt ache then you dont have one. Thats all I really have to say in this space. Thanks for listening.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
A Conversation With Usher
Me: Hi Usher, nice to see you.
Usher: Hey boo.
Me: Umm…hey…So anyway, if you’ll have a seat we can get started. Now I hate to bring this up but you’re actually almost a half hour late. You were supposed to be here at 4:00 and its already almost 4:30 so…
Usher: Well you know how it is - so many days, so many hours.
Me: What?
(pause)
Usher: Baby, I’m a love you.
Me:…Usher, are you throwed?
Usher: Yeeaaah! Im so throwed, I don’t know what to do! But to give you part two of my confessions.
Me: Um, you never gave me part one. You just got here remember?
Usher: Baby I been here.
Me: Um, actually no you haven’t.
Usher: It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours since I sat down.
Me: No it hasn’t. Those aren’t even real numbers. How much did you have to drink exactly?
Usher: I am SO throwed!
Me: Yeah we’ve been over that already…Please don’t tell me you drove here.
(silence)
Me: Oh no, you DID drive here didn’t you?
(silence)
Me: Usher, I won’t be mad but just tell me how you got here.
Usher: Well I was ridin' in my whip, racin' to this place…
Me: Wait, hold up. Ridin in your whip? What the hell is your whip?
Usher: My ride.
Me: You can’t just go around making up words like that. Especially when they already exist. Are you an idiot or something?
Usher: My chick on the side said she got one on the way!!!
Me: So that answers that.
Usher: You know that chick on part one I told you I was creepin' with, creepin' with?
Me: No. We already went over this, you never told me part one. And stop repeating yourself.
Usher: Well anyway, she said she's three months pregnant and she's keepin' it.
Me: What?!? What are you talking about? I thought you were with that chick from TLC.
Usher: I am. But I got this chick on the side that she don’t know about. And now she pregnant. I just done said all that.
Me: This is seriously the first time you’re mentioning this to me. I know nothing about this situation. Who the hell is this girl? Where did you meet her?
Usher: I can’t remember. My boy Andre 3000 maybe do though. Yo, Dre you got the story bout how I met that one chick?
Andre 3000: Oh, that’s ones easy. When you first met your SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel I can remember that damn thing like yesterday. You’re in the club with your hommies, tryna get a lil V-I, keep it down on the low key, cause you know how it feels. And this fine looking shorty rolls by. I mean, on a one-to-ten she's a certified twenty, and that just aint me. All the hommies agreed. The way she moved reminded you of a brown stallion horse with skates on - smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair. So you walked up on her and was almost paralyzed. Her neck was smelling sweeter than a plate of yams with extra syrup, eyes beaming like four karats apiece just blindin' a nigga. Felt like you chiefed a whole O of that Presidential your heart was beating so damn fast. She was checkin up on you, and from the game she was spittin your ear you would think that she knew you. So you decided to chill. But conversation got heavy, and she had you feelin like she's ready to blow. She saying “come get me, come get me”, so you got up and followed her to the floor. She said, “Baby let’s go”. So she’s all up in your head now, got you thinking that it might be a good idea to take her with you, cause she's ready to leave. But you gotta keep it real now, cause you don't know if you take that chance just where is it was gonna lead. But what you did know was that the way she dance made shorty alright with you. I mean, the way she getting low! So you’re like, “yeah, just work that out for me.” And so she asked for one more dance and you’re like yeah. I mean, how the hell you supposed to leave? And that’s how it happened.
Me: Well thank you very much for that story Mr. 3000.
Andre 3000: Aint no thang. (he leaves)
Usher: So you see my problem. Whatma gonna do? What I gotta do now to get my shorty back? Cause ooo ooo ooo ooooh, man I don't know what I'm gonna do without my boo.
Me: What is this, fuckin Halloween?
Usher: What?
Me: Nevermind. Look what you gotta do is just tell her that you love and that youre sorry, and since you guys are a couple you’ll work through it together.
Usher: But we done been fell apart
Me: Okay look, you really gotta work on your grammar or this just aint happenin.
Nelly: Did I herrr someone sayin Country Grammar up in herrr?
Me: Um, no.
Carlos Santana: Did I hear someone mention the Grammys?
Me: Um, No.
Spencer Grammer: Got any coke?
Me: No.
(pause)
Me: Moving on…The first thing you gotta do is to really be sorry for your actions.
Usher: Howma gonna do that?
Me: Well the Catholics say that to receive forgiveness for your sins you have to undergo a penance, or some type of self-imposed suffering or payment for your actions.
Usher: Aight, how I do that?
Me: Well I could hit you in the face repeatedly until it really starts to burn.
Usher: What?
(I hit him in the face)
Usher: Hey, that hurt!
Me: I know. It’s supposed to. That’s how this works. And even though this might bruise you, if you’re really sorry, then you need to let it burn. Let it burn. You gotta let it burn.
Usher: Okay.
(I hit him in the face again)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh!
(I keep pummeling him furiously)
Usher: Ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh oooh! Can ya feel me burnin'?
Me: No.
(The pummeling continues)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh…It burns!!!
Me: Okay that’s probably enough. So now you’re forgiven for your actions. What you need to do next is be honest with your girl and seek HER forgiveness.
Usher: How I do that?
Me: Well tell her exactly what happened and what was running through your mind when you found out about it. Like for example, when you got that phone call, what immediately went through your mind?
Usher: Well, I damn near cried.
Me: That’s good, but what was the first thought that came into your mind?
Usher: The first thing that came to mind was glue.
Me: Glue?
Usher: Yeah I enjoy arts and crafts.
Me: Well that’s nice but how bout when you’re talking to her you say instead that, “the first thing that came to mind was YOU” rather than glue. I think that’ll go over better.
Usher: Okay, if you say so.
Me: I do. What did you think about next?
Usher: Well second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true. Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did, how I ain't ready for no kid.
Me: Well you can’t dwell on the past, but it does sound like for the most part you got a pretty good handle on it.
Usher: Yeah, but howma gonna tell the woman I love that I’m havin a baby by a woman I barely even know?
Me: Well that’ll be hard, but that’s why you should practice saying out loud what you want to tell her so you’ll get used to hearing the words come out of your mouth. It'll make it much easier when the actual time comes. Lets practice right now in fact. Let me hear what you’ll say to her when you see her.
Usher: I dunno what Ima say.
Me: Yes you do. Just come out and say it.
Usher: But if I tell it then I gotta tell it all. And dat’s hard.
Me: I know its tough, but you gotta do it.
Usher: I cant.
Me: Yes you CAN.
Usher: Man, but right now I just sittin here stuck on supid, tryna figure out when, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth.
Me: Don’t worry about it so much. And what did I tell you about working on your grammar?
Usher: I know, but I said it ain't gon' be easy
Me: True, but you just need to stop thinkin', contemplatin' and be a man and get it over with
Usher: Over with?
Me: Yes.
Usher: Aight…Here goes: “This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. To tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know. I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this and hopefully you'll give me another chance. This ain't about my career. This ain't about my life. It's about us.”
Me: Wait! That’s it!
Usher: What’s it?
Me: What you need to do. This IS about your career! What you need to do is record the story of what a scumbag you are in a song, put a smooth R&B groove to it, and you’ll become a star! See, right now everyone things you’re a non-descript singer who likes to strip during performances at awards shows. But once everyone finds out that you’re actually a cheating, lying, sex-obsessed douche bag then they’ll totally love you. It’s always better to be an awful person than it is to not be worthy of being on the cover of US Weekly. This whole having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous women while you’re in a committed relationship is your ticket to the top kid! Maybe you can even get a Grammy nomination or 5 out of it!!
Usher: Yeeeaah!
Me: And see if you can find someone to hang out who drinks pimp juice out of a gold chalice. Preferably someone short, with gold teeth, outrageous glasses, and a big hat. You’ll look really cool by comparison.
Usher: Yeeeaaaahh!!
Me: And maybe find a really obnoxious weird looking guy to hang out with too.
Usher: That sounds ludicrous.
Me: Indeed it does, but really once people see you in side-by-side comparison with really, really untalented people, there’s No Limit to how popular you’ll become.
Usher: Yeeaaahhh!!
Me: So you know what you gotta do now right?
Usher: Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeaah!
Me: Okay settle down.
Usher: Sorry.
Me: So you know what to do when you talk to your boo?
Usher: Sing it to her. And make sure the tape is rolling.
Me: Very good. And what about your new posse?
Usher: Short guy with pimp juice in a chalice and ridiculously untalented southern guy.
Me: Right. And what about your herpes?
Usher: I gotta let ‘em burn.
Me: That’s right, no Valtrex. The pain is part of your penance.
Usher: Yeah!
Me: Alright Usher, you go knock ‘em dead. Or at least show them properly to their seats.
Usher: Will do. And that you for the assistance my white brother. You have helped me greatly. I am now off to do my work. So holla back boo.
(he flies away into the sunset)
The End
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Shrimp
2.) The Office (BBC version)
3.) The Dandy Warhols - "Bohemian Like You"
3 & 1/2.) Amy Adams in Junebug
Thought of the Week:
"To me being 'cool' is the opposite of living. Its about not getting too worked up abot anything...Its such a cliched, jaded posture to take. I get real enthuastic about stuff. Its what I think is life-affirming" - Owen Wilson
(I feel certain that will be the only time in my life I will ever quote Owen Wilson, but the man has great point.)
Usher: Hey boo.
Me: Umm…hey…So anyway, if you’ll have a seat we can get started. Now I hate to bring this up but you’re actually almost a half hour late. You were supposed to be here at 4:00 and its already almost 4:30 so…
Usher: Well you know how it is - so many days, so many hours.
Me: What?
(pause)
Usher: Baby, I’m a love you.
Me:…Usher, are you throwed?
Usher: Yeeaaah! Im so throwed, I don’t know what to do! But to give you part two of my confessions.
Me: Um, you never gave me part one. You just got here remember?
Usher: Baby I been here.
Me: Um, actually no you haven’t.
Usher: It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours since I sat down.
Me: No it hasn’t. Those aren’t even real numbers. How much did you have to drink exactly?
Usher: I am SO throwed!
Me: Yeah we’ve been over that already…Please don’t tell me you drove here.
(silence)
Me: Oh no, you DID drive here didn’t you?
(silence)
Me: Usher, I won’t be mad but just tell me how you got here.
Usher: Well I was ridin' in my whip, racin' to this place…
Me: Wait, hold up. Ridin in your whip? What the hell is your whip?
Usher: My ride.
Me: You can’t just go around making up words like that. Especially when they already exist. Are you an idiot or something?
Usher: My chick on the side said she got one on the way!!!
Me: So that answers that.
Usher: You know that chick on part one I told you I was creepin' with, creepin' with?
Me: No. We already went over this, you never told me part one. And stop repeating yourself.
Usher: Well anyway, she said she's three months pregnant and she's keepin' it.
Me: What?!? What are you talking about? I thought you were with that chick from TLC.
Usher: I am. But I got this chick on the side that she don’t know about. And now she pregnant. I just done said all that.
Me: This is seriously the first time you’re mentioning this to me. I know nothing about this situation. Who the hell is this girl? Where did you meet her?
Usher: I can’t remember. My boy Andre 3000 maybe do though. Yo, Dre you got the story bout how I met that one chick?
Andre 3000: Oh, that’s ones easy. When you first met your SpottieOttieDopalicious Angel I can remember that damn thing like yesterday. You’re in the club with your hommies, tryna get a lil V-I, keep it down on the low key, cause you know how it feels. And this fine looking shorty rolls by. I mean, on a one-to-ten she's a certified twenty, and that just aint me. All the hommies agreed. The way she moved reminded you of a brown stallion horse with skates on - smooth like a hot comb on nappy ass hair. So you walked up on her and was almost paralyzed. Her neck was smelling sweeter than a plate of yams with extra syrup, eyes beaming like four karats apiece just blindin' a nigga. Felt like you chiefed a whole O of that Presidential your heart was beating so damn fast. She was checkin up on you, and from the game she was spittin your ear you would think that she knew you. So you decided to chill. But conversation got heavy, and she had you feelin like she's ready to blow. She saying “come get me, come get me”, so you got up and followed her to the floor. She said, “Baby let’s go”. So she’s all up in your head now, got you thinking that it might be a good idea to take her with you, cause she's ready to leave. But you gotta keep it real now, cause you don't know if you take that chance just where is it was gonna lead. But what you did know was that the way she dance made shorty alright with you. I mean, the way she getting low! So you’re like, “yeah, just work that out for me.” And so she asked for one more dance and you’re like yeah. I mean, how the hell you supposed to leave? And that’s how it happened.
Me: Well thank you very much for that story Mr. 3000.
Andre 3000: Aint no thang. (he leaves)
Usher: So you see my problem. Whatma gonna do? What I gotta do now to get my shorty back? Cause ooo ooo ooo ooooh, man I don't know what I'm gonna do without my boo.
Me: What is this, fuckin Halloween?
Usher: What?
Me: Nevermind. Look what you gotta do is just tell her that you love and that youre sorry, and since you guys are a couple you’ll work through it together.
Usher: But we done been fell apart
Me: Okay look, you really gotta work on your grammar or this just aint happenin.
Nelly: Did I herrr someone sayin Country Grammar up in herrr?
Me: Um, no.
Carlos Santana: Did I hear someone mention the Grammys?
Me: Um, No.
Spencer Grammer: Got any coke?
Me: No.
(pause)
Me: Moving on…The first thing you gotta do is to really be sorry for your actions.
Usher: Howma gonna do that?
Me: Well the Catholics say that to receive forgiveness for your sins you have to undergo a penance, or some type of self-imposed suffering or payment for your actions.
Usher: Aight, how I do that?
Me: Well I could hit you in the face repeatedly until it really starts to burn.
Usher: What?
(I hit him in the face)
Usher: Hey, that hurt!
Me: I know. It’s supposed to. That’s how this works. And even though this might bruise you, if you’re really sorry, then you need to let it burn. Let it burn. You gotta let it burn.
Usher: Okay.
(I hit him in the face again)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh!
(I keep pummeling him furiously)
Usher: Ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh oooh! Can ya feel me burnin'?
Me: No.
(The pummeling continues)
Usher: Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh…It burns!!!
Me: Okay that’s probably enough. So now you’re forgiven for your actions. What you need to do next is be honest with your girl and seek HER forgiveness.
Usher: How I do that?
Me: Well tell her exactly what happened and what was running through your mind when you found out about it. Like for example, when you got that phone call, what immediately went through your mind?
Usher: Well, I damn near cried.
Me: That’s good, but what was the first thought that came into your mind?
Usher: The first thing that came to mind was glue.
Me: Glue?
Usher: Yeah I enjoy arts and crafts.
Me: Well that’s nice but how bout when you’re talking to her you say instead that, “the first thing that came to mind was YOU” rather than glue. I think that’ll go over better.
Usher: Okay, if you say so.
Me: I do. What did you think about next?
Usher: Well second thing was how do I know if it's mine and is it true. Third thing was me wishin' that I never did what I did, how I ain't ready for no kid.
Me: Well you can’t dwell on the past, but it does sound like for the most part you got a pretty good handle on it.
Usher: Yeah, but howma gonna tell the woman I love that I’m havin a baby by a woman I barely even know?
Me: Well that’ll be hard, but that’s why you should practice saying out loud what you want to tell her so you’ll get used to hearing the words come out of your mouth. It'll make it much easier when the actual time comes. Lets practice right now in fact. Let me hear what you’ll say to her when you see her.
Usher: I dunno what Ima say.
Me: Yes you do. Just come out and say it.
Usher: But if I tell it then I gotta tell it all. And dat’s hard.
Me: I know its tough, but you gotta do it.
Usher: I cant.
Me: Yes you CAN.
Usher: Man, but right now I just sittin here stuck on supid, tryna figure out when, what, and how I'mma let this come out of my mouth.
Me: Don’t worry about it so much. And what did I tell you about working on your grammar?
Usher: I know, but I said it ain't gon' be easy
Me: True, but you just need to stop thinkin', contemplatin' and be a man and get it over with
Usher: Over with?
Me: Yes.
Usher: Aight…Here goes: “This by far is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. To tell you, the woman I love, that I'm having a baby by a woman that I barely even know. I hope you can accept the fact that I'm man enough to tell you this and hopefully you'll give me another chance. This ain't about my career. This ain't about my life. It's about us.”
Me: Wait! That’s it!
Usher: What’s it?
Me: What you need to do. This IS about your career! What you need to do is record the story of what a scumbag you are in a song, put a smooth R&B groove to it, and you’ll become a star! See, right now everyone things you’re a non-descript singer who likes to strip during performances at awards shows. But once everyone finds out that you’re actually a cheating, lying, sex-obsessed douche bag then they’ll totally love you. It’s always better to be an awful person than it is to not be worthy of being on the cover of US Weekly. This whole having unprotected sex with multiple anonymous women while you’re in a committed relationship is your ticket to the top kid! Maybe you can even get a Grammy nomination or 5 out of it!!
Usher: Yeeeaah!
Me: And see if you can find someone to hang out who drinks pimp juice out of a gold chalice. Preferably someone short, with gold teeth, outrageous glasses, and a big hat. You’ll look really cool by comparison.
Usher: Yeeeaaaahh!!
Me: And maybe find a really obnoxious weird looking guy to hang out with too.
Usher: That sounds ludicrous.
Me: Indeed it does, but really once people see you in side-by-side comparison with really, really untalented people, there’s No Limit to how popular you’ll become.
Usher: Yeeaaahhh!!
Me: So you know what you gotta do now right?
Usher: Yeah yeah yeah! Yeah, yeah! Yeaah!
Me: Okay settle down.
Usher: Sorry.
Me: So you know what to do when you talk to your boo?
Usher: Sing it to her. And make sure the tape is rolling.
Me: Very good. And what about your new posse?
Usher: Short guy with pimp juice in a chalice and ridiculously untalented southern guy.
Me: Right. And what about your herpes?
Usher: I gotta let ‘em burn.
Me: That’s right, no Valtrex. The pain is part of your penance.
Usher: Yeah!
Me: Alright Usher, you go knock ‘em dead. Or at least show them properly to their seats.
Usher: Will do. And that you for the assistance my white brother. You have helped me greatly. I am now off to do my work. So holla back boo.
(he flies away into the sunset)
The End
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Shrimp
2.) The Office (BBC version)
3.) The Dandy Warhols - "Bohemian Like You"
3 & 1/2.) Amy Adams in Junebug
Thought of the Week:
"To me being 'cool' is the opposite of living. Its about not getting too worked up abot anything...Its such a cliched, jaded posture to take. I get real enthuastic about stuff. Its what I think is life-affirming" - Owen Wilson
(I feel certain that will be the only time in my life I will ever quote Owen Wilson, but the man has great point.)
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Euro Trip
29 Days.
9 Countries.
13 Cities.
6 People.
1 Journal Entry.
That’s right- this is all you get. No postcards. No trinkets or knick-knacks or paddy-whacks. Not even any shot glasses. This is all I got for you- a rather short list of musings. It’s like one of those shirts: “My favorite online journal author went to Europe and I'll got were these lousy musings”. But it’s probably for the best that I kept it rather short. Even more so than with most entries you’ll probably have no idea what I’m talking about so none of the jokes will even make sense. In fact it’s a lot like watching your neighbors’ vacation slide show, only without the visual stimulation. Enjoy!
-One thing I found is that no matter where you go in this world there really are three things that are unavoidable: death, taxes and Japanese tourists.
-English is the new Latin.
-If someone doesn’t at first speak your language I found the best thing to do is to just stare at them blankly, silently judging them. Then they always start speaking English.
-Greek is Greek to me.
-I apologize for that last joke.
-Is there a job in the world more pointless than Amsterdam police officer?
-There’s a reason dollar coins haven’t caught on in the States. Because we’re not idiots.
-If you at all know Greg Lynch and you haven’t already heard the “Amsterdam/banana” story then you must seek him out and ask him to tell it to you. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.
-When in Rome…
…do a Roman
…watch out for flying gypsy babies
…pass out from heat exhaustion
-The good thing about being in Europe for a month is you get to learn a lot about American pop music.
-On a related note: By far the two most popular songs in Europe are “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by the Black Eyed Peas and “Had a Bad Day” by Some Guy I Want to Stab With a Salad Fork. Clearly two songs that would only thrive in a place where people can’t understand the lyrics…
-If you want to know what Dublin is like, try to imagine if there was a place in America that was old, industrial, filled with historical buildings many of which involve a revolutionary war, cold, near water, and filled with Irish people. If only such a place existed in America...Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination…
-If you only see one thing in your life see Park Guell in Barcelona. If you only see two things, see it twice.
-Actually I totally take that last statement back. If you only see one thing in your life, see The Acropolis in Athens. I’ve only seen a very small section of this planet but if there’s anything more mind-blowing than The Acropolis on this Earth I would be VERY surprised. It was so incredible I even bought a T-shirt.
-If you somehow have time to see three things in your life the third one should definitely be the fireworks at the Eiffel tower on Bastille Day. The word “fireworks” though does them so little justice. It’s insulting to even mention them in the same breath with “fireworks”. To call them “fireworks” is like calling Jennifer Connolly “an attractive person”. I gotta give the French this, they totally kick our ass in the fireworks/laser/music/fire/lighting spectaculars department. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
-It’s amazing how much you can communicate with someone using just hand signals, body language, and grunting noises. A gun also helps.
-Either the French haven’t bathed in a VERY long time or Paris is the new Harlem.
-Once again, I apologize for that last joke, but on a whole different level.
-I found out what happened to the Fanta girls. They moved to Europe.
-On a serious note: If everyone in the world spoke the same language it would be a MUCH more united place. It's not stick and stones that break our bones, it’s the communication gap that hurts us.
-Another serious note that I read somewhere on the trip (can’t remember where) but thought worth sharing: “America gave the world both smallpox and the vaccine for smallpox.”
It gets deeper the longer you think about it.
-In Spain they really don’t sit around counting things out loud or discussing members of the family or parts of the body nearly as much as I was lead to believe in Spanish class. I’m very disappointed.
-Is it too late to go to Olive Garden and ask for my money back?
-Just so you know: The Maestro lied. There are plenty of villas available in Tuscany.
-If you’d like a good challenge, try explaining what a fluffernutter is to someone who has a very limited knowledge of English.
-Its good to know that despite all our differences the one common unifier among all the world’s people is a love for illegal narcotics.
-MTV in Italy actually plays videos. Seriously, get with the program people. That’s like SO 1988.
-If you’re a homeless beggar in Rome and you’re not hanging out by the Vatican then what the hell are you doing? You really might want to rethink begging as a profession because clearly you don’t have what it takes.
-From time to time I like to give back to my readers and this is one of those times. So if you happen to be a homeless American beggar listen up because here’s my unsolicited career advice for you: Learn a skill. It doesn’t have to be much. I don’t mean you have to play an instrument or dance. It can be anything. Anything at all. Get a skeleton puppet and have it dance to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. Learn how to fit your entire body inside a small box. Jump out from behind a bush. Just stand really, really still. Anything! But just do SOMETHING. Because this whole asking for money without providing any service has got to end. You’re really an embarrassment to our country. Europe’s homeless are totally kicking your ass. Almost all of them give back to the community in some way. But not you. You just yell at me. And don’t try and tell me that your comedy routine where you pretend to be passed out on the subway and then fall into people when the train makes sudden stops is giving back. That aint cutting it. There’s seriously no excuse for you not learning a skill, I mean what else are you doing with your day. Its not like you got a lot else goin on. So get to work and start providing me with amusement. I feel like since much of my readership is either homeless and unemployed, or soon to be homeless and unemployed, this public service message might really make a difference. That’s Fredtheonlinejournal for ya. Changing the world one drunken crack whore at a time.
-You know with me you’re usually guaranteed one good exclamation point and capital letter filled rant per entry. Well here you go:
When in Europe it’s pretty easy to got annoyed or even angered at all things American: The always guaranteed to be obnoxious American tourists. The way you can buy Yankees hats in places where they don’t even know what baseball is. The fact a peaceful moment on a side street in Venice can be at any time interrupted by blaring 50 Cent songs. But for me the thing that annoyed me most of all was McDonalds. It wasn’t just their overwhelming presence on every other block. It wasn’t just the fact that they managed to set themselves up inches away from anything of any ancient historical or cultural significance. No, it was mostly their slogan: “I’m lovin’ it”. Now basically every major American company has a heavy presence in Europe; this is a pretty well known fact. But 99.9% of them do the logical thing and translate their slogans so they will be able to reach the locals. McDonalds though for some reason decided not to. Instead, they refused to translate “Im Lovin’ It” leaving it just at it is in America. Now this means that not only is the slogan in English but it also, in “lovin”, it uses a word THAT IS NOT EVEN A REAL WORD! IT’S SLANG! Now of course if you speak English it’s pretty easy to figure out that “lovin” is just short for “loving”. But if you have trouble even figuring out what the word “loving” means, then how the hell are you supposed to know what “lovin” means? IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD!!! Being so powerful and popular that you can use fake foreign slang words to promote your product and no one cares - only at McDonalds folks.
I’M LOVIN’ IT!
-Every country seemed to have approximately one foreign thing that was randomly yet unexplainably popular, often moreso than in its own country. Here’s the country-by-country list based on my own personal, possibly inaccurate, observations:
Ireland- Kelly Clarkson
England- Subway sandwiches, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Netherlands- everything America has ever produced
France- Tim Burton
Italy- Pringles, U2
Spain- Fanta
Greece- backgammon (might actually be of Greek origin for all I know. But for whatever reason backgammon is as popular in Athens as pot and hookers are in Amsterdam)
-Over the course of the trip I came to appreciate many, many things about America much more than I would have ever imagined. But there’s nothing I now appreciate more about America than free water in restaurants. In Europe, between restaurants and bottles from street vendors, I don’t thing it would be an exaggeration to say I spent more money on hydration than I did on habitation. Suffice it to say Europe was VERY hot. But then again as much as I might have complained, part of me thinks you haven’t really lived until you’ve chugged an entire 2 Liter bottle of water in under 5 minutes. So I hereby present a small sampling of my rants about water:
-I have a new favorite drink - water. And as you’ve read previously on this very site, the two foods I’m obsessed with are rice and Cheerios. I think those bits of information should tell you all you need to know about me as a person.
-I always heard “don’t drink the tap water in Europe”. I didn’t realize that was because they infused it with crack. Damn hommie, that shit addictive.
-When you find a bottle of water for 50 cents and immediately begin cradling it like a baby and caressing it, and don’t even realize you’re doing it until someone calls you out for it, that’s when you know that you might have a problem.
Conversation from a dream I had:
Faceless person: Can I have a sip of your water?
Me: (maniacal laughter)
Faceless person: Wow, Europe really HAS been life changing hasn’t it?
Ranking the waters of Paris:
1.)Evian- The Grey Goose of water
2.)Vittel- Refreshing but a little bland
3.)Eau du Source- If by “source” they mean “the tap” then I’ll go with them on that one
3 & 1/2.) Volvic Citrus Flavored- If humans produced water out of their assholes this is what that water would taste like
(and yes I do realize that I used the term “bland” to describe water)
-And of course what would an entry be without- THE TOP 3 & 1/2 LISTS:
Top 3 & 1/2 Best Cities in Europe (that we visited):
1.)Amsterdam
2.)Barcelona
3.)Venice
3 & 1/2.) Athens
Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that might not be in your guidebook:
1.)Go to the top of Montijuic in Barcelona
2.)Rent a bike in Amsterdam
3.)Eat at Pizzeria Baffetto in Rome
3 & 1/2.) Have a Mythos beer in Athens
Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that definitely ARE in your guidebook:
1.)The Acropolis
2.)St. Marks Square (in Venice)
3.)Versailles
3 & 1/2.) The Anne Frank House
Top 3 & 1/2 Quotes from Greg about Satan:
1.)“Satan has crawled inside of me and made a nest.”
2.)“I found out what Satan is. He is powdered soap.”
3.)“Satan lives in Barcelona.”
3 & 1/2.) “You can’t spell Satan without the tan.”
(Note: he didn’t actually say the last one. I just wish he had.)
Thought of the Week:
I wonder if 50 Cent ever gets intimidated around 99 cent stores?
Thought of the Week 2:
One of the best things Ive read in a long long time about the state of world affairs. I couldnt have said it all better myself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/the-war-against-fundament_b_5898.html
9 Countries.
13 Cities.
6 People.
1 Journal Entry.
That’s right- this is all you get. No postcards. No trinkets or knick-knacks or paddy-whacks. Not even any shot glasses. This is all I got for you- a rather short list of musings. It’s like one of those shirts: “My favorite online journal author went to Europe and I'll got were these lousy musings”. But it’s probably for the best that I kept it rather short. Even more so than with most entries you’ll probably have no idea what I’m talking about so none of the jokes will even make sense. In fact it’s a lot like watching your neighbors’ vacation slide show, only without the visual stimulation. Enjoy!
-One thing I found is that no matter where you go in this world there really are three things that are unavoidable: death, taxes and Japanese tourists.
-English is the new Latin.
-If someone doesn’t at first speak your language I found the best thing to do is to just stare at them blankly, silently judging them. Then they always start speaking English.
-Greek is Greek to me.
-I apologize for that last joke.
-Is there a job in the world more pointless than Amsterdam police officer?
-There’s a reason dollar coins haven’t caught on in the States. Because we’re not idiots.
-If you at all know Greg Lynch and you haven’t already heard the “Amsterdam/banana” story then you must seek him out and ask him to tell it to you. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did.
-When in Rome…
…do a Roman
…watch out for flying gypsy babies
…pass out from heat exhaustion
-The good thing about being in Europe for a month is you get to learn a lot about American pop music.
-On a related note: By far the two most popular songs in Europe are “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by the Black Eyed Peas and “Had a Bad Day” by Some Guy I Want to Stab With a Salad Fork. Clearly two songs that would only thrive in a place where people can’t understand the lyrics…
-If you want to know what Dublin is like, try to imagine if there was a place in America that was old, industrial, filled with historical buildings many of which involve a revolutionary war, cold, near water, and filled with Irish people. If only such a place existed in America...Oh well, I guess you’ll just have to use your imagination…
-If you only see one thing in your life see Park Guell in Barcelona. If you only see two things, see it twice.
-Actually I totally take that last statement back. If you only see one thing in your life, see The Acropolis in Athens. I’ve only seen a very small section of this planet but if there’s anything more mind-blowing than The Acropolis on this Earth I would be VERY surprised. It was so incredible I even bought a T-shirt.
-If you somehow have time to see three things in your life the third one should definitely be the fireworks at the Eiffel tower on Bastille Day. The word “fireworks” though does them so little justice. It’s insulting to even mention them in the same breath with “fireworks”. To call them “fireworks” is like calling Jennifer Connolly “an attractive person”. I gotta give the French this, they totally kick our ass in the fireworks/laser/music/fire/lighting spectaculars department. So they’ve got that going for them. Which is nice.
-It’s amazing how much you can communicate with someone using just hand signals, body language, and grunting noises. A gun also helps.
-Either the French haven’t bathed in a VERY long time or Paris is the new Harlem.
-Once again, I apologize for that last joke, but on a whole different level.
-I found out what happened to the Fanta girls. They moved to Europe.
-On a serious note: If everyone in the world spoke the same language it would be a MUCH more united place. It's not stick and stones that break our bones, it’s the communication gap that hurts us.
-Another serious note that I read somewhere on the trip (can’t remember where) but thought worth sharing: “America gave the world both smallpox and the vaccine for smallpox.”
It gets deeper the longer you think about it.
-In Spain they really don’t sit around counting things out loud or discussing members of the family or parts of the body nearly as much as I was lead to believe in Spanish class. I’m very disappointed.
-Is it too late to go to Olive Garden and ask for my money back?
-Just so you know: The Maestro lied. There are plenty of villas available in Tuscany.
-If you’d like a good challenge, try explaining what a fluffernutter is to someone who has a very limited knowledge of English.
-Its good to know that despite all our differences the one common unifier among all the world’s people is a love for illegal narcotics.
-MTV in Italy actually plays videos. Seriously, get with the program people. That’s like SO 1988.
-If you’re a homeless beggar in Rome and you’re not hanging out by the Vatican then what the hell are you doing? You really might want to rethink begging as a profession because clearly you don’t have what it takes.
-From time to time I like to give back to my readers and this is one of those times. So if you happen to be a homeless American beggar listen up because here’s my unsolicited career advice for you: Learn a skill. It doesn’t have to be much. I don’t mean you have to play an instrument or dance. It can be anything. Anything at all. Get a skeleton puppet and have it dance to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. Learn how to fit your entire body inside a small box. Jump out from behind a bush. Just stand really, really still. Anything! But just do SOMETHING. Because this whole asking for money without providing any service has got to end. You’re really an embarrassment to our country. Europe’s homeless are totally kicking your ass. Almost all of them give back to the community in some way. But not you. You just yell at me. And don’t try and tell me that your comedy routine where you pretend to be passed out on the subway and then fall into people when the train makes sudden stops is giving back. That aint cutting it. There’s seriously no excuse for you not learning a skill, I mean what else are you doing with your day. Its not like you got a lot else goin on. So get to work and start providing me with amusement. I feel like since much of my readership is either homeless and unemployed, or soon to be homeless and unemployed, this public service message might really make a difference. That’s Fredtheonlinejournal for ya. Changing the world one drunken crack whore at a time.
-You know with me you’re usually guaranteed one good exclamation point and capital letter filled rant per entry. Well here you go:
When in Europe it’s pretty easy to got annoyed or even angered at all things American: The always guaranteed to be obnoxious American tourists. The way you can buy Yankees hats in places where they don’t even know what baseball is. The fact a peaceful moment on a side street in Venice can be at any time interrupted by blaring 50 Cent songs. But for me the thing that annoyed me most of all was McDonalds. It wasn’t just their overwhelming presence on every other block. It wasn’t just the fact that they managed to set themselves up inches away from anything of any ancient historical or cultural significance. No, it was mostly their slogan: “I’m lovin’ it”. Now basically every major American company has a heavy presence in Europe; this is a pretty well known fact. But 99.9% of them do the logical thing and translate their slogans so they will be able to reach the locals. McDonalds though for some reason decided not to. Instead, they refused to translate “Im Lovin’ It” leaving it just at it is in America. Now this means that not only is the slogan in English but it also, in “lovin”, it uses a word THAT IS NOT EVEN A REAL WORD! IT’S SLANG! Now of course if you speak English it’s pretty easy to figure out that “lovin” is just short for “loving”. But if you have trouble even figuring out what the word “loving” means, then how the hell are you supposed to know what “lovin” means? IT’S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD!!! Being so powerful and popular that you can use fake foreign slang words to promote your product and no one cares - only at McDonalds folks.
I’M LOVIN’ IT!
-Every country seemed to have approximately one foreign thing that was randomly yet unexplainably popular, often moreso than in its own country. Here’s the country-by-country list based on my own personal, possibly inaccurate, observations:
Ireland- Kelly Clarkson
England- Subway sandwiches, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Netherlands- everything America has ever produced
France- Tim Burton
Italy- Pringles, U2
Spain- Fanta
Greece- backgammon (might actually be of Greek origin for all I know. But for whatever reason backgammon is as popular in Athens as pot and hookers are in Amsterdam)
-Over the course of the trip I came to appreciate many, many things about America much more than I would have ever imagined. But there’s nothing I now appreciate more about America than free water in restaurants. In Europe, between restaurants and bottles from street vendors, I don’t thing it would be an exaggeration to say I spent more money on hydration than I did on habitation. Suffice it to say Europe was VERY hot. But then again as much as I might have complained, part of me thinks you haven’t really lived until you’ve chugged an entire 2 Liter bottle of water in under 5 minutes. So I hereby present a small sampling of my rants about water:
-I have a new favorite drink - water. And as you’ve read previously on this very site, the two foods I’m obsessed with are rice and Cheerios. I think those bits of information should tell you all you need to know about me as a person.
-I always heard “don’t drink the tap water in Europe”. I didn’t realize that was because they infused it with crack. Damn hommie, that shit addictive.
-When you find a bottle of water for 50 cents and immediately begin cradling it like a baby and caressing it, and don’t even realize you’re doing it until someone calls you out for it, that’s when you know that you might have a problem.
Conversation from a dream I had:
Faceless person: Can I have a sip of your water?
Me: (maniacal laughter)
Faceless person: Wow, Europe really HAS been life changing hasn’t it?
Ranking the waters of Paris:
1.)Evian- The Grey Goose of water
2.)Vittel- Refreshing but a little bland
3.)Eau du Source- If by “source” they mean “the tap” then I’ll go with them on that one
3 & 1/2.) Volvic Citrus Flavored- If humans produced water out of their assholes this is what that water would taste like
(and yes I do realize that I used the term “bland” to describe water)
-And of course what would an entry be without- THE TOP 3 & 1/2 LISTS:
Top 3 & 1/2 Best Cities in Europe (that we visited):
1.)Amsterdam
2.)Barcelona
3.)Venice
3 & 1/2.) Athens
Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that might not be in your guidebook:
1.)Go to the top of Montijuic in Barcelona
2.)Rent a bike in Amsterdam
3.)Eat at Pizzeria Baffetto in Rome
3 & 1/2.) Have a Mythos beer in Athens
Top 3 & 1/2 Things to do in Europe that definitely ARE in your guidebook:
1.)The Acropolis
2.)St. Marks Square (in Venice)
3.)Versailles
3 & 1/2.) The Anne Frank House
Top 3 & 1/2 Quotes from Greg about Satan:
1.)“Satan has crawled inside of me and made a nest.”
2.)“I found out what Satan is. He is powdered soap.”
3.)“Satan lives in Barcelona.”
3 & 1/2.) “You can’t spell Satan without the tan.”
(Note: he didn’t actually say the last one. I just wish he had.)
Thought of the Week:
I wonder if 50 Cent ever gets intimidated around 99 cent stores?
Thought of the Week 2:
One of the best things Ive read in a long long time about the state of world affairs. I couldnt have said it all better myself.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cenk-uygur/the-war-against-fundament_b_5898.html
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Return of the Mack
Guess who’s back? Back again. Fred the Online Journal’s back. Tell a friend.
No really, do tell a friend.
Several friends in fact. As many of you apparently have been doing. Because Fred here is getting so many readers he needed a new home. Thus this new site with the text in a very narrow column that makes my unnecessarily long entries seem even more unnecessarily long than before. (Editing positions still available!) On the bright side though, it allows me to post all my articles on one page and with the archives over there on the right hand side, makes accessing old columns much more user friendly. And there’s now a feature that allows you to email articles to your friends. Plus I now have a web address that is actually easy to remember and give out to people, unlike before when I would have to tell people interested in reading it, “well join facebook and go to my profile”. So hopefully everyone likes the new changes. Because you drove me to them. Yes you.
To explain how, let me take you back in time a bit. To August 2, 2004.
The birth of Fred.
At that time I had never written anything in my life that was to be shown to anyone other than myself that wasn’t for school. (Other than a few birthday and holiday cards). I had tried to keep a journal for a while to write about all my tortured thoughts and bad poetry but it would always quickly dissolve into things like “Scarlet Johansson is the new Natalie Portman” or “how does one choose clown in central park with good parenting messages as a career?” And I would spend way more time writing about things like this than about boring stuff like my own life. Sometime junior year after much prodding to write more by the one and only Chris Maddox, I tried my hand at writing some Chuck Klosterman-inspired short articles- one of which became “I am the Egghead”, another of which got broken down and used in “Facebook.com and the Nature of the Universe”, and two more- “The Dumbing Down of America” and “Why Me No Read”- that might get published on Fred in edited versions at some point in the future. It felt good to write, but I had no idea what to do with it. So I just sat with it on my hard drive for several months. Then summer hit and I started working in the admissions office at Marymount beginning in July. While being trapped in a small room for 7 hours a day doing work that a trained chimp could do just as effectively, my mind often wandered. And the place it usually wandered to was the radio, which was permanently tuned to either Hot 97 or Z100. And in order to keep myself sane during the 100th daily airing of “Lean Back” or “Confessions” I would start to silently mock them in my head. These silent mockings soon turned into full-fledged thoughts and I would write them down on scraps of paper around the office. But I needed desperately to purge these thoughts from my system or else I might die from excessive radio exposure syndrome. But how? Well for years I had admired and enjoyed reading the online journals of Nick Jones, Caroline McGraw and Sara Oldknow, and each of them had shown how online journals didn’t have to be whiny self-indulgent ramblings about your relationship troubles, but instead could be humorous well-written ways to purge whatever is on your mind from your system. And sadly what was (and is) on my mind were thoughts about the songs on Z100 and Hot 97. So inspired by those previously mentioned online journals, and also by Bill Simmons, a blogger of sorts on ESPN.com who I was, and still am, obsessed with, I decided to start Fred the Online Journal. And so those scraps of paper became “Thoughts Had While Listening to the Radio Parts 1 and 2” and then there was no turning back. Only thing was I never expected anyone to actually read it. I only VERY hesitantly posted the link to it in my AIM profile and then later in my facebook profile, but I never made any verbal mention of it to anyone. I started it simply for myself but I realized that my thoughts were no good if I didn’t put them somewhere where someone might conceivably be able to share in them. And just that possibility was enough to feel purged of them. (Wow I’m really starting to sound bulimic here). Anyway, by word of mouth though Fred grew out of control. It started slowly at first, but then after I mentioned Katie Woodruff in “Fred the Online Journal Recommends” the floodgates opened up. And so now this thing has gotten WAY out of hand. But in a good way I guess. So on Fred’s one-year anniversary I just wanted to say thanks to all the people who have helped this grow into what it is. Whatever that may be.
And so without further adieu, props and thanks go to: The aforementioned online journal trailblazers for their inspiration (and also their support). To Kristen Dreger and Katie Woodruff for spreading the word. If I had a budget I would pay you your proper publicist fees. To Lauren Morelli and Brandon Vukovick for their ridiculously long emails about their appreciation of Fred. They are suitable for framing. To everyone who has ever left a comment in the “comment” section, but most especially to Natalie Orozco for using the comment section to do a little writing and “opinionating” of her own. Gold star for her. But really all of you “commenters” have made my day. To Will, and especially Carlyn, for being the only people other than myself to actually directly contribute to the writing of an article. To Ms. Maddox for pushing me to write in the first place. None of this would be here without her support. And last, but certainly not least, to the girls of the apartment formerly known as 3Dub for their amazing level of support. Of course this is only a very brief list of all those who should be thanked but there’s no way I could possibly thank by name everyone who has been supportive of me in the past year. But don’t worry, I remember and appreciate every person who has ever offered me a kind word of support and I do truly thank you for it.
And so with that out of the way, let’s move on to other more pressing things. Like the future. I never intended for this thing to spread outside my immediate circle of friends, but now that it already has I’ve decided I might as well try and spread it as far as possible since many of you seem intent on doing that for me whether I like it or not. So instead of fighting it I figured Id get on board with your visions for old Fred here. And that’s why I got this new site- so it would be easier to promote and easier to access old articles for newer readers. And that’s where you come in. The recruitment of newer readers. This online journal, which has now become way more popular than I am, has been spread amongst you entirely by word of mouth. So keep up the good work. If you enjoy what you read, tell all your friends and have them tell their friends. If you hate what you read then only tell your friends you don’t like. And in return I plan on focusing less on Marymount specific things and more on universal type stuff so that your friends friends will “get it”.
(And yes, musings about Europe are coming very soon so hold your horses. If you have any horses. Which actually would be kind of strange. You holding them I mean. Because you know they’re heavy and stuff. Plus they poop a lot.)
Don’t worry though, I’m not selling out to the man or anything. But if some friends of the man, you know maybe like his first cousin or something, would like to talk to me, I wouldn’t be opposed to it. (Also if anyone knows anything about web design or knows someone who knows something about web design we should talk. I don’t have any money to offer at the moment but I will one day have a first-born child.) And, as it seems that I now have enough readers to maybe attempt this, Id like to start answering reader mail. Call me a dork (Person 1:“dork”) but it always has been a dream of mine to answer reader mail. So send me any questions or comments- serious, humorous, or other- via email and when I get enough ones worth responding to Ill respond to them in print. But please try to keep the marriage proposals to 50 words or less otherwise I won’t be able to get through all of them. Thanks.
Also, please attach a photo.
So anyway I deeply apologize for getting so personal and self-indulgent here. I can promise you it wont happen again. But I wanted for the one-year anniversary to give you the story of the birth of Fred and to give a heartfelt thanks to those to whom it was due. Meaning all of you. Plus I thought it might help me shed some unnecessary readers by making me seem even more pompous and self-involved than usual. Of course I realize that you don’t care about any of this, but then I also realize that you can bite me.
I taste good.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled humorous detachment and passionate earnestness.
This never happened.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.)Bloc Party - "This Modern Love"
2.)Bloc Party - "Silent Alarm" (album)
3.)MoMa
3 & 1/2.)Rilo Kiley - "Execution of All Things" (album)
Thought of the Week:
All my college life Ive been waiting for the day I turned 23 so that I could use the away message "Im 23 now but will I live to see 24? Yo, the way things are goin I dunno." But now that I finally have turned 23 I have to pay own electric bill and so I dont keep my computer turned on when Im away from it for any extended period of time, meaning I no longer have any need for away messages. Im very upset about this. Just thought I should mention it.
No really, do tell a friend.
Several friends in fact. As many of you apparently have been doing. Because Fred here is getting so many readers he needed a new home. Thus this new site with the text in a very narrow column that makes my unnecessarily long entries seem even more unnecessarily long than before. (Editing positions still available!) On the bright side though, it allows me to post all my articles on one page and with the archives over there on the right hand side, makes accessing old columns much more user friendly. And there’s now a feature that allows you to email articles to your friends. Plus I now have a web address that is actually easy to remember and give out to people, unlike before when I would have to tell people interested in reading it, “well join facebook and go to my profile”. So hopefully everyone likes the new changes. Because you drove me to them. Yes you.
To explain how, let me take you back in time a bit. To August 2, 2004.
The birth of Fred.
At that time I had never written anything in my life that was to be shown to anyone other than myself that wasn’t for school. (Other than a few birthday and holiday cards). I had tried to keep a journal for a while to write about all my tortured thoughts and bad poetry but it would always quickly dissolve into things like “Scarlet Johansson is the new Natalie Portman” or “how does one choose clown in central park with good parenting messages as a career?” And I would spend way more time writing about things like this than about boring stuff like my own life. Sometime junior year after much prodding to write more by the one and only Chris Maddox, I tried my hand at writing some Chuck Klosterman-inspired short articles- one of which became “I am the Egghead”, another of which got broken down and used in “Facebook.com and the Nature of the Universe”, and two more- “The Dumbing Down of America” and “Why Me No Read”- that might get published on Fred in edited versions at some point in the future. It felt good to write, but I had no idea what to do with it. So I just sat with it on my hard drive for several months. Then summer hit and I started working in the admissions office at Marymount beginning in July. While being trapped in a small room for 7 hours a day doing work that a trained chimp could do just as effectively, my mind often wandered. And the place it usually wandered to was the radio, which was permanently tuned to either Hot 97 or Z100. And in order to keep myself sane during the 100th daily airing of “Lean Back” or “Confessions” I would start to silently mock them in my head. These silent mockings soon turned into full-fledged thoughts and I would write them down on scraps of paper around the office. But I needed desperately to purge these thoughts from my system or else I might die from excessive radio exposure syndrome. But how? Well for years I had admired and enjoyed reading the online journals of Nick Jones, Caroline McGraw and Sara Oldknow, and each of them had shown how online journals didn’t have to be whiny self-indulgent ramblings about your relationship troubles, but instead could be humorous well-written ways to purge whatever is on your mind from your system. And sadly what was (and is) on my mind were thoughts about the songs on Z100 and Hot 97. So inspired by those previously mentioned online journals, and also by Bill Simmons, a blogger of sorts on ESPN.com who I was, and still am, obsessed with, I decided to start Fred the Online Journal. And so those scraps of paper became “Thoughts Had While Listening to the Radio Parts 1 and 2” and then there was no turning back. Only thing was I never expected anyone to actually read it. I only VERY hesitantly posted the link to it in my AIM profile and then later in my facebook profile, but I never made any verbal mention of it to anyone. I started it simply for myself but I realized that my thoughts were no good if I didn’t put them somewhere where someone might conceivably be able to share in them. And just that possibility was enough to feel purged of them. (Wow I’m really starting to sound bulimic here). Anyway, by word of mouth though Fred grew out of control. It started slowly at first, but then after I mentioned Katie Woodruff in “Fred the Online Journal Recommends” the floodgates opened up. And so now this thing has gotten WAY out of hand. But in a good way I guess. So on Fred’s one-year anniversary I just wanted to say thanks to all the people who have helped this grow into what it is. Whatever that may be.
And so without further adieu, props and thanks go to: The aforementioned online journal trailblazers for their inspiration (and also their support). To Kristen Dreger and Katie Woodruff for spreading the word. If I had a budget I would pay you your proper publicist fees. To Lauren Morelli and Brandon Vukovick for their ridiculously long emails about their appreciation of Fred. They are suitable for framing. To everyone who has ever left a comment in the “comment” section, but most especially to Natalie Orozco for using the comment section to do a little writing and “opinionating” of her own. Gold star for her. But really all of you “commenters” have made my day. To Will, and especially Carlyn, for being the only people other than myself to actually directly contribute to the writing of an article. To Ms. Maddox for pushing me to write in the first place. None of this would be here without her support. And last, but certainly not least, to the girls of the apartment formerly known as 3Dub for their amazing level of support. Of course this is only a very brief list of all those who should be thanked but there’s no way I could possibly thank by name everyone who has been supportive of me in the past year. But don’t worry, I remember and appreciate every person who has ever offered me a kind word of support and I do truly thank you for it.
And so with that out of the way, let’s move on to other more pressing things. Like the future. I never intended for this thing to spread outside my immediate circle of friends, but now that it already has I’ve decided I might as well try and spread it as far as possible since many of you seem intent on doing that for me whether I like it or not. So instead of fighting it I figured Id get on board with your visions for old Fred here. And that’s why I got this new site- so it would be easier to promote and easier to access old articles for newer readers. And that’s where you come in. The recruitment of newer readers. This online journal, which has now become way more popular than I am, has been spread amongst you entirely by word of mouth. So keep up the good work. If you enjoy what you read, tell all your friends and have them tell their friends. If you hate what you read then only tell your friends you don’t like. And in return I plan on focusing less on Marymount specific things and more on universal type stuff so that your friends friends will “get it”.
(And yes, musings about Europe are coming very soon so hold your horses. If you have any horses. Which actually would be kind of strange. You holding them I mean. Because you know they’re heavy and stuff. Plus they poop a lot.)
Don’t worry though, I’m not selling out to the man or anything. But if some friends of the man, you know maybe like his first cousin or something, would like to talk to me, I wouldn’t be opposed to it. (Also if anyone knows anything about web design or knows someone who knows something about web design we should talk. I don’t have any money to offer at the moment but I will one day have a first-born child.) And, as it seems that I now have enough readers to maybe attempt this, Id like to start answering reader mail. Call me a dork (Person 1:“dork”) but it always has been a dream of mine to answer reader mail. So send me any questions or comments- serious, humorous, or other- via email and when I get enough ones worth responding to Ill respond to them in print. But please try to keep the marriage proposals to 50 words or less otherwise I won’t be able to get through all of them. Thanks.
Also, please attach a photo.
So anyway I deeply apologize for getting so personal and self-indulgent here. I can promise you it wont happen again. But I wanted for the one-year anniversary to give you the story of the birth of Fred and to give a heartfelt thanks to those to whom it was due. Meaning all of you. Plus I thought it might help me shed some unnecessary readers by making me seem even more pompous and self-involved than usual. Of course I realize that you don’t care about any of this, but then I also realize that you can bite me.
I taste good.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled humorous detachment and passionate earnestness.
This never happened.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.)Bloc Party - "This Modern Love"
2.)Bloc Party - "Silent Alarm" (album)
3.)MoMa
3 & 1/2.)Rilo Kiley - "Execution of All Things" (album)
Thought of the Week:
All my college life Ive been waiting for the day I turned 23 so that I could use the away message "Im 23 now but will I live to see 24? Yo, the way things are goin I dunno." But now that I finally have turned 23 I have to pay own electric bill and so I dont keep my computer turned on when Im away from it for any extended period of time, meaning I no longer have any need for away messages. Im very upset about this. Just thought I should mention it.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Just Like Jesus I Love Everyone Except the Minorities
There’s a problem with America.
And it’s your hometown.
The suburbs.
That’s right the suburbs are killing America. Well along with the terrorists. And apparently the Democrats. Or maybe I’ve just been watching too much Fox News. And I use the term “News” lightly there. Anyway, the suburbs are bad. This is a news flash I know. But that’s what I’m here for- to bring you breaking news. I’m like New York 1 for the mentally handicapped. I’m Roma Torey for the kids in the slow class. But even slow kids have likely experienced having out of town visitors come here to the city and watching how they handle all the people. It’s quite fascinating as I’m sure we can all attest. And if you cant, well then your visitors must not be from the suburbs. As such they have probably seen people who weren’t just like them before and know how to deal with them. People from the suburbs…well not so much.
See in the suburbs each community can sustain itself without any outside interference, meaning there’s never any need to interact with any others. And each suburb attracts people who are roughly all in the same economic bracket and all generally of the same social class. Sure there’s the Walthorphes whose house reportedly cost a cool million. And there are the Richardsons who never mow their lawn and haven’t painted their house in 30 years. And there’s Old Man Johnson who lives in the old house at the end of the block that everyone thinks eats small children. And then there’s the Rodriguezes two streets over, but they’re the good kind of Mexicans. The kind that works hard and acts white. But other than that, everyone is about the same. And best of all you can travel alone in your car from place to place choosing on your own the people who wish to interact with. And hey all those damn minorities and punk kids who work at the drug store, well you’re able to view them only as people that wait on you and not as people who are like you know, people. So life is all good.
But it wasn’t always like this.
Back in the day everyone used to mix together. White straight people. White gay people who acted like straight people. Jews. And even women! Oh the horror! This of course was true everywhere except New York.
New York was just Jews.
But now, no one mixes together anywhere.
Except New York.
In New York you have to take the subway or the bus nearly every day, often several times a day, and as such you encounter all walks of life. One neighborhood bleeds into the next and everything sort of blends together. You share a building with all types of random people. People different than yourself are unavoidable. And as a result we learn to be much more tolerant. Well, except of old people. There’s a reason they are kept away from the rest of the population every else except New York. Because they are evil. And slow. Ungodly slow. And also ungodly evil. But everyone else, we New Yorkers tolerate. Well except the Puerto Ricans. Them and their damn parade making me feel like an outsider. How dare they separate themselves and exclude everyone else from their society and their fun. Its just plain wrong I tell ya. But anyway, point is we here in New York love everyone. Even A-Rod.
But in the suburbs they don’t. No those Christians in the suburbs love to hate. But they don’t do it from a place of malice. Oh no- they do it form a place of fear. They don’t actually know any blacks, or Hispanics or, worst of all, gays, so it’s easy for them to buy into all the stereotypes. And that’s why this segregation of society in the suburbs is what will ultimately destroy us all. Other problems will go away. War, pestilence, reality TV, and George Bush will all pass. But what George Bush preyed on to get into to power will remain. Fear, distrust of others, and a lack of understanding and compassion for your fellow man. As long as our existences become more and more insular we can be manipulated easier and easier into fear, mistrust, and irrational violence. Not to give away the fact that I’ve seen “Bowling for Columbine” one too many times, but the amount gun violence in this country as opposed to all other nations can be most directly tied to our collective level of fear. And as long as we can be divided into black and white, red and blue, Christian and evil unpatriotic godless heathens, and made to fight amongst ourselves we won’t need terrorists to destroy us; we’ll do the job just fine ourselves. After all, Rome didn’t fall from the outside but from within. You would think we would learn from history, but then again history has shown us that we don’t. And that why its important now that we act before its too late. We need to get people from the suburbs and expose them to all walks of life. We need everyone to go to a national mixer. And most of all, we need to stop making our country a “suburb of the world”. While everyone else struggles together, we live isolated just outside, only driving into the city when we need something from it. But the city isn’t just where the football stadium and courthouse are located. It’s full of people- people worth knowing and people who we’re in this thing together with. So in a country where “Crash” is considered profound and provocative instead of obvious and melodramatic it’s clearly imperative that we begin in earnest the national discussion about the world being bigger than our own circle of friends.
For example, most of the rest of the world views our war against Iraq as directly linked to our support of Israel, whereas I doubt anyone in America would make that same assumption. In fact the average American on the street probably doesn’t even know that we even do support Israel. It’s this sort of international dialogue and understanding that would really end the war on terror. But sadly we somehow think more terror will do the trick.
And so it’s on this note- the quest for expanding my world view, the quest for greater international understanding, this quest to avoid getting dysentery from foreign drinking water- that I depart these fine shores for Europe.
In case you’ve been living under a rock and somehow missed the memo, I will be in Europe for the next month. So unfortunately that means the journal will be on hiatus. Actually there’s about an 85% chance that I might at some point find a computer with internet access and post the transcript of a conversation I recently had with Usher, but we’ll see. Other than that though, I wont be posting any reports from the road so to speak. But please don’t forget about us here at Fred the Online Journal while we’re gone. We appreciate your support and would hate to lose it just due to your poor memory skills. In fact, as many (and by “many” I mean almost none) of you know, August 2nd, the day I return, will be the one year anniversary of Fred, and to mark the occasion there will be a brand new site with pretty graphics and stuff, and also potential personal shout outs to some of our favorite people who make this all worthwhile. Maybe even you. So come on back if you are a loser and care about potentially seeing your name in print. Plus you’ll get to read all sorts of new content full of opinions about whether French people are really as charming as Julie Delpy, why Catholicism is killing the Vatican, and what it feels like to poop in foreign toilets. Also on tap is Fred the Online Journal’s long awaited Opus- a rant of unparalleled length and vigor about Sex and the City.
So come on back now you here!
And have a great July.
Much Love
-Fred the Online Journal
(What, you actually expected a conclusion?…)
And it’s your hometown.
The suburbs.
That’s right the suburbs are killing America. Well along with the terrorists. And apparently the Democrats. Or maybe I’ve just been watching too much Fox News. And I use the term “News” lightly there. Anyway, the suburbs are bad. This is a news flash I know. But that’s what I’m here for- to bring you breaking news. I’m like New York 1 for the mentally handicapped. I’m Roma Torey for the kids in the slow class. But even slow kids have likely experienced having out of town visitors come here to the city and watching how they handle all the people. It’s quite fascinating as I’m sure we can all attest. And if you cant, well then your visitors must not be from the suburbs. As such they have probably seen people who weren’t just like them before and know how to deal with them. People from the suburbs…well not so much.
See in the suburbs each community can sustain itself without any outside interference, meaning there’s never any need to interact with any others. And each suburb attracts people who are roughly all in the same economic bracket and all generally of the same social class. Sure there’s the Walthorphes whose house reportedly cost a cool million. And there are the Richardsons who never mow their lawn and haven’t painted their house in 30 years. And there’s Old Man Johnson who lives in the old house at the end of the block that everyone thinks eats small children. And then there’s the Rodriguezes two streets over, but they’re the good kind of Mexicans. The kind that works hard and acts white. But other than that, everyone is about the same. And best of all you can travel alone in your car from place to place choosing on your own the people who wish to interact with. And hey all those damn minorities and punk kids who work at the drug store, well you’re able to view them only as people that wait on you and not as people who are like you know, people. So life is all good.
But it wasn’t always like this.
Back in the day everyone used to mix together. White straight people. White gay people who acted like straight people. Jews. And even women! Oh the horror! This of course was true everywhere except New York.
New York was just Jews.
But now, no one mixes together anywhere.
Except New York.
In New York you have to take the subway or the bus nearly every day, often several times a day, and as such you encounter all walks of life. One neighborhood bleeds into the next and everything sort of blends together. You share a building with all types of random people. People different than yourself are unavoidable. And as a result we learn to be much more tolerant. Well, except of old people. There’s a reason they are kept away from the rest of the population every else except New York. Because they are evil. And slow. Ungodly slow. And also ungodly evil. But everyone else, we New Yorkers tolerate. Well except the Puerto Ricans. Them and their damn parade making me feel like an outsider. How dare they separate themselves and exclude everyone else from their society and their fun. Its just plain wrong I tell ya. But anyway, point is we here in New York love everyone. Even A-Rod.
But in the suburbs they don’t. No those Christians in the suburbs love to hate. But they don’t do it from a place of malice. Oh no- they do it form a place of fear. They don’t actually know any blacks, or Hispanics or, worst of all, gays, so it’s easy for them to buy into all the stereotypes. And that’s why this segregation of society in the suburbs is what will ultimately destroy us all. Other problems will go away. War, pestilence, reality TV, and George Bush will all pass. But what George Bush preyed on to get into to power will remain. Fear, distrust of others, and a lack of understanding and compassion for your fellow man. As long as our existences become more and more insular we can be manipulated easier and easier into fear, mistrust, and irrational violence. Not to give away the fact that I’ve seen “Bowling for Columbine” one too many times, but the amount gun violence in this country as opposed to all other nations can be most directly tied to our collective level of fear. And as long as we can be divided into black and white, red and blue, Christian and evil unpatriotic godless heathens, and made to fight amongst ourselves we won’t need terrorists to destroy us; we’ll do the job just fine ourselves. After all, Rome didn’t fall from the outside but from within. You would think we would learn from history, but then again history has shown us that we don’t. And that why its important now that we act before its too late. We need to get people from the suburbs and expose them to all walks of life. We need everyone to go to a national mixer. And most of all, we need to stop making our country a “suburb of the world”. While everyone else struggles together, we live isolated just outside, only driving into the city when we need something from it. But the city isn’t just where the football stadium and courthouse are located. It’s full of people- people worth knowing and people who we’re in this thing together with. So in a country where “Crash” is considered profound and provocative instead of obvious and melodramatic it’s clearly imperative that we begin in earnest the national discussion about the world being bigger than our own circle of friends.
For example, most of the rest of the world views our war against Iraq as directly linked to our support of Israel, whereas I doubt anyone in America would make that same assumption. In fact the average American on the street probably doesn’t even know that we even do support Israel. It’s this sort of international dialogue and understanding that would really end the war on terror. But sadly we somehow think more terror will do the trick.
And so it’s on this note- the quest for expanding my world view, the quest for greater international understanding, this quest to avoid getting dysentery from foreign drinking water- that I depart these fine shores for Europe.
In case you’ve been living under a rock and somehow missed the memo, I will be in Europe for the next month. So unfortunately that means the journal will be on hiatus. Actually there’s about an 85% chance that I might at some point find a computer with internet access and post the transcript of a conversation I recently had with Usher, but we’ll see. Other than that though, I wont be posting any reports from the road so to speak. But please don’t forget about us here at Fred the Online Journal while we’re gone. We appreciate your support and would hate to lose it just due to your poor memory skills. In fact, as many (and by “many” I mean almost none) of you know, August 2nd, the day I return, will be the one year anniversary of Fred, and to mark the occasion there will be a brand new site with pretty graphics and stuff, and also potential personal shout outs to some of our favorite people who make this all worthwhile. Maybe even you. So come on back if you are a loser and care about potentially seeing your name in print. Plus you’ll get to read all sorts of new content full of opinions about whether French people are really as charming as Julie Delpy, why Catholicism is killing the Vatican, and what it feels like to poop in foreign toilets. Also on tap is Fred the Online Journal’s long awaited Opus- a rant of unparalleled length and vigor about Sex and the City.
So come on back now you here!
And have a great July.
Much Love
-Fred the Online Journal
(What, you actually expected a conclusion?…)
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Me, You and U2
“WHOOO! I am in LOVE! And it is aMAZing!” – Tom Cruise
“Maybe if you say it you’ll mean it”- Coldplay from “White Shadows” off X&Y
It’s everywhere. It’s taking over in fact. In every store and restaurant. At the gym and on the street. Even today at the post office the lady in front of me had her headphones turned up so loud I could hear it as I waited in line.
It’s Coldplay’s X&Y and it’s here to claim your summer.
In a sense it’s very exciting. I mean past summers have been owned by “Lean Back” and Sisquo, so it’s heartening that good music is actually threatening to dominate the summer. And while it’s disheartening that that’s so heartening, it’s nevertheless nothing but a good thing. And the fact that such a worthy band has achieved crossover universal appeal is outstanding. I mean I never thought there would be another straightforward rock band that would be beloved by people who don’t usually like rock. But Jay-Z, Timbaland, and, well, Timberlake, along with countless others, have all professed their love for Coldplay. It’s also very exciting to see a band become superstars right before my very eyes. I was starting to think there’d never be another band would achieve that kind of success. Another band that could claim to be “The Biggest” and at the same time “The Greatest” Rock and Roll Band in the world. A band that could sell out stadiums in minutes. A band that could cross cultural boundaries and be universally known and accepted.
A band like U2.
But Coldplay seems on the brink of doing just that. Becoming the “next U2”. Which is of course their stated goal. In case you couldn’t tell by listening to the album. Because listening to the album the fact that that is their goal is pretty obvious. For example, “Fix You” is the greatest U2 song U2 never wrote. Well except for the fact that they did and called it’s “Sometimes You Just Cant Make It On Your Own”. And it’s not just one song. The whole album, for all its merits, is a blatant attempt to be U2, and as Chris Maddox so accurately stated, the effort shows. The last two albums worked because they were Coldplay doing what they do. This album feels somewhat Cold because they are Playing at something. (Excuse the joke I almost made there.) But yet the album is selling like hotcakes and I suspect it will continue to do so. And so how their quest to be U2 plays out as they release “Talk” and “Fix You” to the airwaves in the coming months could be the story of the summer. For those into such things it’ll be fascinating to see what happens. In fact it could be the biggest thing going on this summer.
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In case you have been living in cave and in that cave you have no access to other people, television, radio, the internet, or any loose scrap of paper which might happen to be floating in the breeze then let me fill you in on the most important development in the history of man: Tom Cruise is insane. And he’s taking Katie Holmes with him. Wherever it is that he’s going exactly. Crazy Town perhaps. Cause they had that song that one time. Crazy Town did. It was about butterflies. But I digress. Point is, Tom Cruise is fucking nuts.
And I love it.
(And if you haven’t seen the Oprah footage for yourself and have only heard about it or seen still pictures of it I really cannot urge you strongly enough to go find it somewhere on the Internet and watch it for yourself. It’s even more astounding than you think. You really wont believe it.)
Now there are many things you could say about the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing. And USA Today, The New York Times, Newsweek, Entertainment Weekly, Rolling Stone, the various succubae and pond-dwelling leeches who run US Weekly and People, and every website every created have all said most of them already. But still there are some things that could be delved into deeper. Like how this is now definitive proof Tom Cruise is gay (ask me to explain it to you and I will, but not right now). Or the significance of the fact that the biggest movie star of our generation has turned out to be absolutely insane. Or about how this all coinciding with the Michael Jackson verdict provides a startling and ironic comparison between the two biggest icons of the 80s and a look at the type of people America in the Reagan years chose to elevate to superstar status. But while I could make a whole article out of any one of these angles, it is another “angle” that is of more interest to me. Because while Tom Cruise’s insanity is clearly very real, his reasons for accidentally letting us see it are not. And unlike most people I am much more interested in his real insanity than in his fake relationship. And that’s where Russell Crowe comes in.
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Russell Crowe is the greatest actor working today. If you even want to try and argue with me I present you with the following list: “LA Confidential”, “The Insider”, “Gladiator”, “A Beautiful Mind”, “Master and Commander”, and “Cinderella Man”. There are two Oscars in that list (I refuse to acknowledge Denzel’s win in 2002) and there will soon be four nominations in there as well. Also, look at the diversity of characters he was able to play. And look at the quality of each of the movies (well except for “Gladiator” but I know I’m alone on that one) and realize that most of them would have mediocre at best with another actor in the lead. So the fact that with “Cinderella Man” he has now cemented his place as the greatest actor working today is pretty much not debatable. As such, it’s pretty much a given that he’s a little crazy. I mean lets look at past holders of the title “best actor working today” for proof:
Marlon Brando- I think this one’s pretty obvious but I do always like to tell the story about how he often would refuse to wear pants while filming “The Score” and would only refer to Frank Oz as Muppet Man.
Al Pacino- In case you missed “Salome” on Broadway or any of his awards show appearances from the past 5 years, he has completely lost it.
Robert DeNiro- By all accounts he is barely functional in social situations has as has been evidenced many times, has difficulty speaking in public.
Dustin Hoffman- At whatever old age he is, he still enjoys mooning people and farting in their faces.
Meryl Streep- She is a woman.
(more hate mail coming right about….NOW)
But anyway point is, as we all know, to be a truly great actor you have to be a little nuts. (Which explains why I am comparatively normal.) So it’s no surprise that Russell Crowe has the Renee Zellweger “I stare at the ground during the entire interview” thing going on a lot. And that he almost always comes off a bit awkwardly when doing anything other than acting. And that he also has a very bad temper. So maybe that why when he recently threw a phone at a hotel clerk who wouldn’t let him call his wife no one really seemed to notice. Oh sure it got some press for like a day, but no one was really too surprised and everyone moved on pretty quick. The public seemed to chalk it up to Russell being Russell and within a day were back obsessing over TomKat. TomKat was clearly the story that was much more interesting. But why? Why were people more fascinated by a clearly fake relationship than a real one? After all, everyone knows that TomKat is a publicity stunt and that his Oprah appearance was all planned to some degree whereas Russell and his wife have an actual relationship and his throwing the phone throwing was very much spontaneous. Why were we more interested in someone who is “enacting” his version of love than in a guy who is being driven by his version of love to act? Why are we more interested in someone trying to convince us that they’re something they’re not rather than in someone who, try as they might, couldn’t help but be true to who they are? Maybe the answer is obvious, but maybe it also has something to do with the fact we’ve been listening to X&Y too much.
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Now before going on there are three important things to know.
1.) I think X/Y is a very good album and I like it a lot. So as with my articles about "Garden State", "Love Actually" and any number of other things I don’t want anyone to misinterpret this as I’m trashing the album. I criticize to make better, not because it’s not good in the first place. As you know, the flaws of something almost bother you more the more you like it.
2.) I’ve already used that dashed line trick far too many times and its really breaking up the flow of this thing.
3.) U2 is the defining band of our times.
So now that that’s all clear I’d like to elaborate on the third point. And that is that there hasn’t been in bigger band in our lifetimes. Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince are all solo artists, no one has bought an R.E.M. or Pearl Jam record in 10 years, Nirvana only released two real studio albums, and one of them was deliberately designed to alienate mainstream audiences, and other than “Creep” there’s not a single Radiohead song the average person on the street would know. So there’s really no one who can even remotely challenge them. By almost all accounts and by nearly all lists of such things, “Joshua Tree” was the best album of the 80s, “Actung Baby” was one of the top 10 albums of the 90’s and “All That You Cant Leave Behind” is one of the top 10 albums of the 2000’s so far. No one, not even The Beatles or Led Zeppelin, has had that sort of long lasting and continuous artistic and commercial relevance. And this isn’t just my opinion. Ask anyone who is in charge of critiquing, ranking or talking about these sorts of things. Like Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers, and Mr. Brightside himself. Here’s what he had to say about it:
“The Beatles were the best, but they broke up after, like, six years. U2, it’s been the same four guys for 25 years and they’ve never put out a shitty album. What other band can you say that about? The Stones have put out some pretty shitty albums…plus what they’ve done is incredibly tough…It’s hard to pull off something that big and that sincere without being corny”.
And it’s the last point that is what makes U2 so great. While I could write for several hundred pages about what makes U2 special, it comes down to this: who else could proclaim themselves the greatest rock and roll band in the world, say “the purpose of our music is to change the world”, have a lead singer with an unabashed messiah complex, be as passionately over the top with their emotions in our current age of irony, and not only be able to pull it off without seeming cheesy, ridiculous, or annoying, but instead be the most popular band in the world as a result? No one. And best of all through everything U2 has remained true to themselves and never tried to be something they were not. No matter how over the top they get, that is truely who they are. And of course there was the Zoo TV and Zooropa tours, and the period when Bono became The Fly and then became MacPhisto, and then their “dance/electronica” phase in the 90’s. But even at their most self-aware and ironic their music never lost the underlying heart, passion and righteousness. And any period that produced songs like “One” can’t be accused of being emotionally detached. Plus during that stretch they were simply following their muse and being who they were at that phase in their musical development. They weren’t trying to “be” any other band and they weren’t doing it to try and necessarily sell more records. If anything, the 90’s were their least productive period commercially, but they stuck with their direction anyway because that’s who they were at that time.
Now of course I may feel more strongly about U2 than many people my age. I mean I am the person who defines my religious beliefs with the sentence “I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in Bono.” But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe we should all embrace real genuine emotion instead of playing at it. We should embrace U2 for being genunine and fault Coldplay for "tyring" to be genunine. We should embrace Russell Crowe for being real and fault Tom Cruise not for his real insanity but for the fake emotion that brought it out. But instead we often scoff at genuine emotion as being cheesy and cliché and embrace the imatation. We can’t deal with people who are too intense or too passionate or too “over the top”. Like Jack Nicholson said (to Tom Cruise ironically enough) we “can’t handle the truth”. So instead we are fascinated by TomKat, but scared of Tom Cruise. We embrace Coldplay for trying to be U2, but we ignore the fact that you cant "try" to be genunine. But even when we try to hide from it, some truth comes out. When Tom tried to act like he was in love, the truth of his insanity came out. When Coldplay tried to act like a big life-altering rock band, the truth of their “limitations” as a downbeat intimate band came to light. Truth and emotion always somehow find a way out. And so for every “Guero”, there’s a “Sea Change”. And for every “Being John Malkovich”, there’s an “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. And for every thing that appeals to the “idea” of feelings there is something equivalent that appeals to the true feelings themselves. And that’s the art that truly lasts. And the people who are truly memorable. So we don’t need another band trying to “be” U2 or another actor trying to “act” all “crazy in love”. The real things will work just fine thank you. Unlike what U2 said, there’s nothing that’s “even better than the real thing”. And that’s why I wish more artists would stick to simply being who they truly are, for better or for worse. Stop with the safe answers and the image consultants and the plans on how to break through to the big time. We need more throwing phones and less publicity stunts that unintentionally backfire. So accept who you are and what you do, and put it all out there for us to see. And if it doesn’t sell or if it scares us off, well, hey, at least it’s real. And thats what I value. And so that’s why as someone who spends my life obsessing over pop culture I try to gravitate to the few things that are real about it.
And as such, I love uninhibited emotion not filtered by publicists or concerns about making money. I love the gossip about the unguarded moments. I love heartfelt passion. I love feeling the artist’s soul.
I love Tom Cruise's insanity.
I love Russell Crowe.
And Coldplay, I love U2.
Second Thought of the Week:
I VERY recently got Chuck Klosterman's new book "Killing Yourself to Live". I have never been more excited about anything in my entire life. And that is much less of an exageration than you think. I have yet to even read a whole page but its already my new favorite book. Here's why:
1.) The book jacket expalins the purpose of the book "He wanted to know why the greatest career move any musican can make is to stop breathing...and what that means for the rest of us." A sentence VERY similar to one I worte about John Lennon back in December.
2.) The first sentence of the book is "I am not qualified to live here"
3.) The subtitle of the book is "85% of a true story"
4.) Its been described as "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" only with narrative structure.
As those who have ever read "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" or Spin Magazine know, Chuck Klosterman is my literary soul mate. More than Mcsweeneys or Bill Simmons this journal is intentionally/unintentionally modeled after Chuck. So if you at all enoy Fred, go buy Chuck.
Otherwise, youre not worth knowing.
“Maybe if you say it you’ll mean it”- Coldplay from “White Shadows” off X&Y
It’s everywhere. It’s taking over in fact. In every store and restaurant. At the gym and on the street. Even today at the post office the lady in front of me had her headphones turned up so loud I could hear it as I waited in line.
It’s Coldplay’s X&Y and it’s here to claim your summer.
In a sense it’s very exciting. I mean past summers have been owned by “Lean Back” and Sisquo, so it’s heartening that good music is actually threatening to dominate the summer. And while it’s disheartening that that’s so heartening, it’s nevertheless nothing but a good thing. And the fact that such a worthy band has achieved crossover universal appeal is outstanding. I mean I never thought there would be another straightforward rock band that would be beloved by people who don’t usually like rock. But Jay-Z, Timbaland, and, well, Timberlake, along with countless others, have all professed their love for Coldplay. It’s also very exciting to see a band become superstars right before my very eyes. I was starting to think there’d never be another band would achieve that kind of success. Another band that could claim to be “The Biggest” and at the same time “The Greatest” Rock and Roll Band in the world. A band that could sell out stadiums in minutes. A band that could cross cultural boundaries and be universally known and accepted.
A band like U2.
But Coldplay seems on the brink of doing just that. Becoming the “next U2”. Which is of course their stated goal. In case you couldn’t tell by listening to the album. Because listening to the album the fact that that is their goal is pretty obvious. For example, “Fix You” is the greatest U2 song U2 never wrote. Well except for the fact that they did and called it’s “Sometimes You Just Cant Make It On Your Own”. And it’s not just one song. The whole album, for all its merits, is a blatant attempt to be U2, and as Chris Maddox so accurately stated, the effort shows. The last two albums worked because they were Coldplay doing what they do. This album feels somewhat Cold because they are Playing at something. (Excuse the joke I almost made there.) But yet the album is selling like hotcakes and I suspect it will continue to do so. And so how their quest to be U2 plays out as they release “Talk” and “Fix You” to the airwaves in the coming months could be the story of the summer. For those into such things it’ll be fascinating to see what happens. In fact it could be the biggest thing going on this summer.
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In case you have been living in cave and in that cave you have no access to other people, television, radio, the internet, or any loose scrap of paper which might happen to be floating in the breeze then let me fill you in on the most important development in the history of man: Tom Cruise is insane. And he’s taking Katie Holmes with him. Wherever it is that he’s going exactly. Crazy Town perhaps. Cause they had that song that one time. Crazy Town did. It was about butterflies. But I digress. Point is, Tom Cruise is fucking nuts.
And I love it.
(And if you haven’t seen the Oprah footage for yourself and have only heard about it or seen still pictures of it I really cannot urge you strongly enough to go find it somewhere on the Internet and watch it for yourself. It’s even more astounding than you think. You really wont believe it.)
Now there are many things you could say about the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing. And USA Today, The New York Times, Newsweek, Entertainment Weekly, Rolling Stone, the various succubae and pond-dwelling leeches who run US Weekly and People, and every website every created have all said most of them already. But still there are some things that could be delved into deeper. Like how this is now definitive proof Tom Cruise is gay (ask me to explain it to you and I will, but not right now). Or the significance of the fact that the biggest movie star of our generation has turned out to be absolutely insane. Or about how this all coinciding with the Michael Jackson verdict provides a startling and ironic comparison between the two biggest icons of the 80s and a look at the type of people America in the Reagan years chose to elevate to superstar status. But while I could make a whole article out of any one of these angles, it is another “angle” that is of more interest to me. Because while Tom Cruise’s insanity is clearly very real, his reasons for accidentally letting us see it are not. And unlike most people I am much more interested in his real insanity than in his fake relationship. And that’s where Russell Crowe comes in.
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Russell Crowe is the greatest actor working today. If you even want to try and argue with me I present you with the following list: “LA Confidential”, “The Insider”, “Gladiator”, “A Beautiful Mind”, “Master and Commander”, and “Cinderella Man”. There are two Oscars in that list (I refuse to acknowledge Denzel’s win in 2002) and there will soon be four nominations in there as well. Also, look at the diversity of characters he was able to play. And look at the quality of each of the movies (well except for “Gladiator” but I know I’m alone on that one) and realize that most of them would have mediocre at best with another actor in the lead. So the fact that with “Cinderella Man” he has now cemented his place as the greatest actor working today is pretty much not debatable. As such, it’s pretty much a given that he’s a little crazy. I mean lets look at past holders of the title “best actor working today” for proof:
Marlon Brando- I think this one’s pretty obvious but I do always like to tell the story about how he often would refuse to wear pants while filming “The Score” and would only refer to Frank Oz as Muppet Man.
Al Pacino- In case you missed “Salome” on Broadway or any of his awards show appearances from the past 5 years, he has completely lost it.
Robert DeNiro- By all accounts he is barely functional in social situations has as has been evidenced many times, has difficulty speaking in public.
Dustin Hoffman- At whatever old age he is, he still enjoys mooning people and farting in their faces.
Meryl Streep- She is a woman.
(more hate mail coming right about….NOW)
But anyway point is, as we all know, to be a truly great actor you have to be a little nuts. (Which explains why I am comparatively normal.) So it’s no surprise that Russell Crowe has the Renee Zellweger “I stare at the ground during the entire interview” thing going on a lot. And that he almost always comes off a bit awkwardly when doing anything other than acting. And that he also has a very bad temper. So maybe that why when he recently threw a phone at a hotel clerk who wouldn’t let him call his wife no one really seemed to notice. Oh sure it got some press for like a day, but no one was really too surprised and everyone moved on pretty quick. The public seemed to chalk it up to Russell being Russell and within a day were back obsessing over TomKat. TomKat was clearly the story that was much more interesting. But why? Why were people more fascinated by a clearly fake relationship than a real one? After all, everyone knows that TomKat is a publicity stunt and that his Oprah appearance was all planned to some degree whereas Russell and his wife have an actual relationship and his throwing the phone throwing was very much spontaneous. Why were we more interested in someone who is “enacting” his version of love than in a guy who is being driven by his version of love to act? Why are we more interested in someone trying to convince us that they’re something they’re not rather than in someone who, try as they might, couldn’t help but be true to who they are? Maybe the answer is obvious, but maybe it also has something to do with the fact we’ve been listening to X&Y too much.
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Now before going on there are three important things to know.
1.) I think X/Y is a very good album and I like it a lot. So as with my articles about "Garden State", "Love Actually" and any number of other things I don’t want anyone to misinterpret this as I’m trashing the album. I criticize to make better, not because it’s not good in the first place. As you know, the flaws of something almost bother you more the more you like it.
2.) I’ve already used that dashed line trick far too many times and its really breaking up the flow of this thing.
3.) U2 is the defining band of our times.
So now that that’s all clear I’d like to elaborate on the third point. And that is that there hasn’t been in bigger band in our lifetimes. Michael Jackson, Madonna and Prince are all solo artists, no one has bought an R.E.M. or Pearl Jam record in 10 years, Nirvana only released two real studio albums, and one of them was deliberately designed to alienate mainstream audiences, and other than “Creep” there’s not a single Radiohead song the average person on the street would know. So there’s really no one who can even remotely challenge them. By almost all accounts and by nearly all lists of such things, “Joshua Tree” was the best album of the 80s, “Actung Baby” was one of the top 10 albums of the 90’s and “All That You Cant Leave Behind” is one of the top 10 albums of the 2000’s so far. No one, not even The Beatles or Led Zeppelin, has had that sort of long lasting and continuous artistic and commercial relevance. And this isn’t just my opinion. Ask anyone who is in charge of critiquing, ranking or talking about these sorts of things. Like Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers, and Mr. Brightside himself. Here’s what he had to say about it:
“The Beatles were the best, but they broke up after, like, six years. U2, it’s been the same four guys for 25 years and they’ve never put out a shitty album. What other band can you say that about? The Stones have put out some pretty shitty albums…plus what they’ve done is incredibly tough…It’s hard to pull off something that big and that sincere without being corny”.
And it’s the last point that is what makes U2 so great. While I could write for several hundred pages about what makes U2 special, it comes down to this: who else could proclaim themselves the greatest rock and roll band in the world, say “the purpose of our music is to change the world”, have a lead singer with an unabashed messiah complex, be as passionately over the top with their emotions in our current age of irony, and not only be able to pull it off without seeming cheesy, ridiculous, or annoying, but instead be the most popular band in the world as a result? No one. And best of all through everything U2 has remained true to themselves and never tried to be something they were not. No matter how over the top they get, that is truely who they are. And of course there was the Zoo TV and Zooropa tours, and the period when Bono became The Fly and then became MacPhisto, and then their “dance/electronica” phase in the 90’s. But even at their most self-aware and ironic their music never lost the underlying heart, passion and righteousness. And any period that produced songs like “One” can’t be accused of being emotionally detached. Plus during that stretch they were simply following their muse and being who they were at that phase in their musical development. They weren’t trying to “be” any other band and they weren’t doing it to try and necessarily sell more records. If anything, the 90’s were their least productive period commercially, but they stuck with their direction anyway because that’s who they were at that time.
Now of course I may feel more strongly about U2 than many people my age. I mean I am the person who defines my religious beliefs with the sentence “I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in Bono.” But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe we should all embrace real genuine emotion instead of playing at it. We should embrace U2 for being genunine and fault Coldplay for "tyring" to be genunine. We should embrace Russell Crowe for being real and fault Tom Cruise not for his real insanity but for the fake emotion that brought it out. But instead we often scoff at genuine emotion as being cheesy and cliché and embrace the imatation. We can’t deal with people who are too intense or too passionate or too “over the top”. Like Jack Nicholson said (to Tom Cruise ironically enough) we “can’t handle the truth”. So instead we are fascinated by TomKat, but scared of Tom Cruise. We embrace Coldplay for trying to be U2, but we ignore the fact that you cant "try" to be genunine. But even when we try to hide from it, some truth comes out. When Tom tried to act like he was in love, the truth of his insanity came out. When Coldplay tried to act like a big life-altering rock band, the truth of their “limitations” as a downbeat intimate band came to light. Truth and emotion always somehow find a way out. And so for every “Guero”, there’s a “Sea Change”. And for every “Being John Malkovich”, there’s an “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”. And for every thing that appeals to the “idea” of feelings there is something equivalent that appeals to the true feelings themselves. And that’s the art that truly lasts. And the people who are truly memorable. So we don’t need another band trying to “be” U2 or another actor trying to “act” all “crazy in love”. The real things will work just fine thank you. Unlike what U2 said, there’s nothing that’s “even better than the real thing”. And that’s why I wish more artists would stick to simply being who they truly are, for better or for worse. Stop with the safe answers and the image consultants and the plans on how to break through to the big time. We need more throwing phones and less publicity stunts that unintentionally backfire. So accept who you are and what you do, and put it all out there for us to see. And if it doesn’t sell or if it scares us off, well, hey, at least it’s real. And thats what I value. And so that’s why as someone who spends my life obsessing over pop culture I try to gravitate to the few things that are real about it.
And as such, I love uninhibited emotion not filtered by publicists or concerns about making money. I love the gossip about the unguarded moments. I love heartfelt passion. I love feeling the artist’s soul.
I love Tom Cruise's insanity.
I love Russell Crowe.
And Coldplay, I love U2.
Second Thought of the Week:
I VERY recently got Chuck Klosterman's new book "Killing Yourself to Live". I have never been more excited about anything in my entire life. And that is much less of an exageration than you think. I have yet to even read a whole page but its already my new favorite book. Here's why:
1.) The book jacket expalins the purpose of the book "He wanted to know why the greatest career move any musican can make is to stop breathing...and what that means for the rest of us." A sentence VERY similar to one I worte about John Lennon back in December.
2.) The first sentence of the book is "I am not qualified to live here"
3.) The subtitle of the book is "85% of a true story"
4.) Its been described as "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" only with narrative structure.
As those who have ever read "Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs" or Spin Magazine know, Chuck Klosterman is my literary soul mate. More than Mcsweeneys or Bill Simmons this journal is intentionally/unintentionally modeled after Chuck. So if you at all enoy Fred, go buy Chuck.
Otherwise, youre not worth knowing.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Lists Mostly About Music
As you’ve probably noticed, me and VH1 have a lot in common. We both like music. We both love the 90’s. We’re both the bastard stepchildren of MTV. And we both like to make lists of things and rank them. And so I thought it would be fun to share this love of lists by making you read a bunch of pointless ones I came up with off the top of my head. Alcohol might or might not have also been involved. Plus I thought since me making lists was pretentious, self-involved, uninformative, not funny and required very little writing ability it would go in well with the rest of my entries. On the mr. brightside, this will be an entry you'll able to read in under an hour. So fire up your illegal downloading software, or if you are a massive loser, your iTunes music store, and prepare yourself for a bunch of lists (mostly) about music.
Top 3 & 1/2 Unanswered Questions About Music from the 90’s
1.) What exactly is it that the Backstreet Boys wanted and what way did they want it exactly?
2.) When Kurt Cobain said "I don’t have a gun, no I don't have a gun", was he lying? Because it sure seems like he was. Maybe his band mates shouldn’t have taken him at his word. Perhaps they also should have checked his attic
3.) But really, where WERE you while we were getting high?
3 & 1/2.) What the fuck was Michael Stipe talking about?
Top 3 & 1/2 Early Frontrunners for “Song of the Summer”
1.) “Talk” by Coldplay
2.) “I Predict A Riot” by The Kaiser Chiefs
3.) “Best of You” by Foo Fighters
3 & 1/2.) “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by The Black Eyed Peas
Top 3 & 1/2 Responses to “Who’s There?”
1.) Banana
2.) Banana
3.) Banana
3 & 1/2.) Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?
Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix CD
1.) “Hot Black Silk” by Songs:Ohia
2.) “Lovers Spit” by Broken Social Scene
3.) “Too Young” by Phoenix
3 & 1/2.) “Biomusicology” by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Top 3 & 1/2 Sigur Ros Lyrics
1.) Sé sjálfan mig syngja fagnaðarerindið
2.) Ityoowoohoo
3.) Stari a ryðið sem vex á mér
3 & 1/2.) (silence)
Top 3 & 1/2 Albums From 2004 You Should Have But Probably Don’t
1.) Rilo Kiley- More Adventurous
2.) TV on the Radio- Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes
3.) The Arcade Fire- Funeral
3 & 1/2.) The Go Team!- Thunder, Lightning, Strike
Top 3 & 1/2 Kurt Cobain Lyrics
1.) “I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black”
2.) “Who needs actions when you got words?”
3.) “Rape me, my friend”
3 & 1/2.) “What else could I say? / Everyone is gay / What else could I write? / I don't have the right / What else should I be? / All apologies”
Top 3 & 1/2 Uses of a Pre-existing Song in a Movie
Note: trying to narrow this down was as hard as trying to come up with a decent analogy
1.) “Tiny Dancer” in Almost Famous
2.) “Ooh La La” in Rushmore
3.) “The Weight” in The Big Chill
3 & 1/2.) “In Your Eyes” in Say Anything… (I know, I know, how obvious, but I couldn’t leave it off)
Top 3 & 1/2 Thoughts Had While Watching the “Preshow Entertainment” at Loews
1.) I enjoy motion pictures.
2.) That Coke commercial about the guys making the documentary is the best thing I’ve seen in theaters all year. That is sad on so many levels.
3.) I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, but I kinda miss the Fanta girls.
3 & 1/2.) If you want to know why Jodie Foster has had a great career and Kate Hudson hasn’t, then you should compare Skeleton Key and Flightplan.
Top 3 & 1/2 Great Songs That Thru Their Association with a Tragedy Became Transcendent
1.) “Where The Streets Have No Name” (from the 2002 Superbowl Halftime)- 9/11
2.) “All Apologies”- Kurt Cobain’s suicide
3.) “Let It Be”- the breakup of the Beatles
3 & 1/2.) “Lets Get It On”- my prom night
Top 3 & 1/2 Songs on My Ipod That in Some Way Involve Male Royalty
1.) “Kings” by Steely Dan
2.) “Charlemagne in Sweatpants” by The Hold Steady
3.) “Richard III” by Supergrass
3 & 1/2.) “Paper Doll” by Louis XIV
Top 3 & 1/2 Ways Kanye West's Lyric "The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That's the Way I Need Jesus," Could Be Adapted for Other Religions. (Stolen from Mcsweeneys.net)
1.) Islam
The way Madonna need the Kabbalah / The way Skee-Lo needed more royalties from "I wish I was a li'l bit talla" / That the way I need Allah
2.) Shintoism
The way the Bush camp needed to find some WMDs / The way Scottish tourism needs the Hebrides / That how I need various "kami," nature deities
3.) Zoroastrianism
The way the troops need to come home from Basra / The way my friend Terry's dad needs his '96 Mazda / So, too, do I need a Mazda, except I am of course referring to Ahura Mazda, the single supreme god of Zoroastrianism
3 & 1/2.) Atheism
The way the Red Sox need the curse of Babe Ruth / The way Abraham Lincoln needed Booth / That's how much I need a deity of any sort / That is to say, not very much at all
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week
1.) http://dutchwest.tv/
2.) The music from "In Good Company"
3.) Micheal Moore's The Awful Truth: Season Two, Episode 5 - "Ficus for Congress"
3 & 1/2.) RENT: the Movie anticipation
See the trailer: http://movies.channel.aol.com/franchise/exclusives/rent_movie
Thought of the Week:
Since we're now 4 episodes in, its safe to say that not only is Family Guy back but its better than ever. The Van Gough flashback a few weeks ago and the Hiroshima flashback this week were two of the finest moments in the show's history. Just astounding that show is. Sometimes its brillance makes my head hurt.
Top 3 & 1/2 Unanswered Questions About Music from the 90’s
1.) What exactly is it that the Backstreet Boys wanted and what way did they want it exactly?
2.) When Kurt Cobain said "I don’t have a gun, no I don't have a gun", was he lying? Because it sure seems like he was. Maybe his band mates shouldn’t have taken him at his word. Perhaps they also should have checked his attic
3.) But really, where WERE you while we were getting high?
3 & 1/2.) What the fuck was Michael Stipe talking about?
Top 3 & 1/2 Early Frontrunners for “Song of the Summer”
1.) “Talk” by Coldplay
2.) “I Predict A Riot” by The Kaiser Chiefs
3.) “Best of You” by Foo Fighters
3 & 1/2.) “Don’t Phunk With My Heart” by The Black Eyed Peas
Top 3 & 1/2 Responses to “Who’s There?”
1.) Banana
2.) Banana
3.) Banana
3 & 1/2.) Orange you glad I didn’t say banana again?
Top 3 & 1/2 Suggestions for Your Mix CD
1.) “Hot Black Silk” by Songs:Ohia
2.) “Lovers Spit” by Broken Social Scene
3.) “Too Young” by Phoenix
3 & 1/2.) “Biomusicology” by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
Top 3 & 1/2 Sigur Ros Lyrics
1.) Sé sjálfan mig syngja fagnaðarerindið
2.) Ityoowoohoo
3.) Stari a ryðið sem vex á mér
3 & 1/2.) (silence)
Top 3 & 1/2 Albums From 2004 You Should Have But Probably Don’t
1.) Rilo Kiley- More Adventurous
2.) TV on the Radio- Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes
3.) The Arcade Fire- Funeral
3 & 1/2.) The Go Team!- Thunder, Lightning, Strike
Top 3 & 1/2 Kurt Cobain Lyrics
1.) “I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black”
2.) “Who needs actions when you got words?”
3.) “Rape me, my friend”
3 & 1/2.) “What else could I say? / Everyone is gay / What else could I write? / I don't have the right / What else should I be? / All apologies”
Top 3 & 1/2 Uses of a Pre-existing Song in a Movie
Note: trying to narrow this down was as hard as trying to come up with a decent analogy
1.) “Tiny Dancer” in Almost Famous
2.) “Ooh La La” in Rushmore
3.) “The Weight” in The Big Chill
3 & 1/2.) “In Your Eyes” in Say Anything… (I know, I know, how obvious, but I couldn’t leave it off)
Top 3 & 1/2 Thoughts Had While Watching the “Preshow Entertainment” at Loews
1.) I enjoy motion pictures.
2.) That Coke commercial about the guys making the documentary is the best thing I’ve seen in theaters all year. That is sad on so many levels.
3.) I can’t believe I’m even thinking this, but I kinda miss the Fanta girls.
3 & 1/2.) If you want to know why Jodie Foster has had a great career and Kate Hudson hasn’t, then you should compare Skeleton Key and Flightplan.
Top 3 & 1/2 Great Songs That Thru Their Association with a Tragedy Became Transcendent
1.) “Where The Streets Have No Name” (from the 2002 Superbowl Halftime)- 9/11
2.) “All Apologies”- Kurt Cobain’s suicide
3.) “Let It Be”- the breakup of the Beatles
3 & 1/2.) “Lets Get It On”- my prom night
Top 3 & 1/2 Songs on My Ipod That in Some Way Involve Male Royalty
1.) “Kings” by Steely Dan
2.) “Charlemagne in Sweatpants” by The Hold Steady
3.) “Richard III” by Supergrass
3 & 1/2.) “Paper Doll” by Louis XIV
Top 3 & 1/2 Ways Kanye West's Lyric "The Way School Need Teachers / The Way Kathie Lee Needed Regis / That's the Way I Need Jesus," Could Be Adapted for Other Religions. (Stolen from Mcsweeneys.net)
1.) Islam
The way Madonna need the Kabbalah / The way Skee-Lo needed more royalties from "I wish I was a li'l bit talla" / That the way I need Allah
2.) Shintoism
The way the Bush camp needed to find some WMDs / The way Scottish tourism needs the Hebrides / That how I need various "kami," nature deities
3.) Zoroastrianism
The way the troops need to come home from Basra / The way my friend Terry's dad needs his '96 Mazda / So, too, do I need a Mazda, except I am of course referring to Ahura Mazda, the single supreme god of Zoroastrianism
3 & 1/2.) Atheism
The way the Red Sox need the curse of Babe Ruth / The way Abraham Lincoln needed Booth / That's how much I need a deity of any sort / That is to say, not very much at all
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week
1.) http://dutchwest.tv/
2.) The music from "In Good Company"
3.) Micheal Moore's The Awful Truth: Season Two, Episode 5 - "Ficus for Congress"
3 & 1/2.) RENT: the Movie anticipation
See the trailer: http://movies.channel.aol.com/franchise/exclusives/rent_movie
Thought of the Week:
Since we're now 4 episodes in, its safe to say that not only is Family Guy back but its better than ever. The Van Gough flashback a few weeks ago and the Hiroshima flashback this week were two of the finest moments in the show's history. Just astounding that show is. Sometimes its brillance makes my head hurt.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Marymount Musings: Graduation Edition
It’s hard to believe that I am finally, at long last, a college graduate. It seems like college took almost as long to complete as it took me to update the journal. Yet at the same time it also seems like just yesterday I plagiarized my first college paper. Yet now its four years later and I have my cheap paper folder that is supposed to contain my degree but that I know likely never will as there’s at least a 60% chance the school will fuck it up somehow and I’ll never receive it. And although the past four years were fun, I cant help but feel that I somewhat missed out on the full Marymount experience. I mean I made it through four years at Marymount without not getting cast, developing a nicotine addiction, or having sex with a guy. Which I guess actually means I have a lot in common with most of the girls at Marymount.
I’m sorry, that’s not entirely fair. I take that back.
Most girls at Marymount are addicted to nicotine… Regardless, it’s quite an accomplishment. But nevertheless it’s over, and all I have now is the memories. Well that, and the emotional scars. And the soul crushing debt. And the deep-seated hatred for all humanity. And of course…the musings.
*Top 3 &1/2 Observations About Graduation:
1.) I feel like the valedictorian got that speech out of Valedictorian Speeches for Dummies. Either that or out of Mad Libs but instead of putting “penis” and “fart” in the blanks she put in “momentous” and “exacerbate” instead.
2.) I think I speak for most of us when I say: who knew Shawn McLaughlin was such a nerd?
3.) Which name was most surprising to hear being called out: Nick Billotti or Joe Muto? Its hard to say.
3 & 1/2.) Some people have said Hilary’s speech was boring and uninspiring because she’s got the personality of a piece of lumber. Others have said it was because she didn’t take Crit. III. Others have said it was because after she heard the first guy’s speech she knew she couldn’t top him so she decided to not even bother. And while all valid, none of those are completely right. I think deep down we all know the real reason…
It’s because she’s a woman.
(First piece of hate mail coming in 3…2…1…Hey there it is!)
*Barbara Adrian makes me go “OOOOO”.
*I thought I should share this email I got the other day…
To: Andy Stokan
From: Peter Baker
Subject: Kudos on your shit
Dear all involved with your shit last night,
What a grand and stimulating excrement of feces you partook in last night! The lugubrious deliverance of the soupcon of excrements into the tranquil pool of liquid below evoked Renior’s masterpiece Loir-et-Chait de Blois and the voluptuous enormity of each fecal matter caused a hardening to transpire in mine own pants. While watching, I was reminded of Bernard Pevou’s fine work Les Triumph du Poopoo in which he states so majestically, “Quicon du la pori cara wei”. And I think we can all agree on that! The lighting and set too were of such splendor and magnificence that I myself did shit mine own trousers several times over. Kudos!
-Peter Baker
*Specially Requested Shout Out of the Week: Theater Bakeshop - baking quality plays since Spring ‘05
*Top 3 & 1/2 Ways Java City is Different Than the Real World:
1.) At Java City, Carmine gives you free smoothies; in the real world, Carmine makes you eat cake.
2.) At Java City, I can’t have my iced coffee because they are out of two key ingredients: ice and coffee; in the real world, I shoot them in the face.
3.) At Java City, you get coffee and hip-hop at the same time; in the real world, not so much.
3 & 1/2.) At Java City, if they are closed you can always go use the vending machines; oh wait no you can’t because they are fucking broken!
*Who is “Kelly” and how can I thank her?
*I have a math problem for you:
1 building + 8 floors + 3 elevators + (1 elevator that services all 8 floors) – (2 elevators that only service 3 floors) + 10,000 decrepit old people = sheer chaos. Seriously did the people that run this school not pass basic math? Wait, don’t answer that…But seriously the express elevator idea is like the worst idea the school has made since whatever the last decision they made prior to that one was.
The only good thing the express elevators have done is given worth to the 7th floor. Before it was the armpit of the school, now it’s the place to want your class to be. As Martha Cary said, only with much funnier wording, the 7th Floor is now like the 86th Street stop of Marymount. Now if only the cross-town bus stopped there too we’d be all set.
*My first three years at Marymount saw a lot of change, but through it all there was one thing that always remained the same. If you were at school and you had time to kill the only place to do it was the Nuge. Regardless of if you had to kill five minutes or five hours, the Nuge could meet your time wasting needs. It was the place to see and be seen. Whether you were Nairoby Otero or just one of Nairoby’s friends, the Nuge was the place be. It didn’t matter if you wanted to bitch about every aspect of human existence with the musical theater kids in the corner or just practice your scene at a really loud volume; there was a place for you in the Nuge. But this past year the Nuge just wasn’t the same. I would often have to search for several seconds before even finding a familiar face. Some of the computers actually functioned. And on occasion, Katie Gorum was nowhere to be found! It got so bad I almost considered doing my jewelry shopping somewhere else. Most days I could barely even kill half a Fox 5 News Segment in there. So while I have moved on, there are those who are just begining their days at Marymount who will sadly never know about the thriving civilization that once existed in the very room where they eat their daily Graces’ salad. And it is for them that I feel bad. May they find their social life somewhere new.
“The Nuge is dead, long live the Nuge!”
*Top 3 & 1/2 Potential New Slogans for Marymount:
1.) “High School: The College Years”
2.) “Our students are just like the kids from “Fame”, only minus the talent and ambition!”
3.) “Putting the liberal back in liberal arts!”
3 & 1/2.) “Got coke?”
*Rumor has it that one time a guy ate an entire Java City chocolate chip cookie in one sitting. He’s dead now.
*In closing I wanted to say something slightly heartfelt. But then Lauren Morelli stole my thunder. So to elaborate on what she said, I will say that the fact we like to bitch about things, and the fact that we’re a tight community who deep down loves our school aren’t facts that are in opposition. In reality, they go hand in hand. It’s not just 9/11 that bonded us, but moreso it was the little things. The waiting outside at 4am in the cold to register for classes. The first days of 55th Street. Knowing what things were like pre-Jim Hundriser. The Black Sheep being our college bar. Having to rehearse your scene with eight other groups in the Rat. Having to sit through The Seagull. The entire Ben Prior Administration. And the list goes on and on. All these little things joined us together as much as “the big thing”. And bitching about them all is what made the bond so strong. It gave us a common goal and shared pain, and as a psychology major would tell you (if they existed), that’s one of the strongest ways to create an emotional bond with another person. The crazy thing is that sometime during all that bitching we actually changed things. It’s hard to believe, but the school is now actually a functional institution. And sadly as the school gets better, each incoming class gets worse. (If you don’t believe me, ask David Mold.) And it breaks my heart. Because the new kids will never know the Marymount we knew. The Marymount that made us who we are. They know the post-surgery Marymount, but we knew her back when she was fat and acne ridden. We knew her when she was real. But they will never know her, because we killed her. They say love hurts; well I guess our love did. Because the Gucci purse carrying, low rise jean wearing, fabulously manicured English majors who now populate the Nuge are not Marymount. And I’m sure there are also females who match the same description, and they aren’t Marymount either.
We are.
Scrappy, disgruntled, and never taking anything for granted. “The Golden Class.”
We may not have been able to buy a plasma TV as a Senior gift but we did something else.
We built a school.
And for that we are very sorry.
I love you all.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) THE WEST WING! (A full length article on why The West Wing is the greatest thing in the history of man might be forthcoming. But dont hold me to that.)
2.) 1845 1st Avenue, Apt. 2S
3.) neverending summer
3 & 1/2.) Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- "Whatever Happened to My Rock N Roll"
Thought of the Week:
Would the opposite of the video game "Street Fighter" be "Street Lover"? Would it be the game for pacifists? I mean I feel like thats really a large untapped market for fighting games. And if they did make it, would its theme song be "Why Dont We Do It In The Road"? Someone should look into this...
I’m sorry, that’s not entirely fair. I take that back.
Most girls at Marymount are addicted to nicotine… Regardless, it’s quite an accomplishment. But nevertheless it’s over, and all I have now is the memories. Well that, and the emotional scars. And the soul crushing debt. And the deep-seated hatred for all humanity. And of course…the musings.
*Top 3 &1/2 Observations About Graduation:
1.) I feel like the valedictorian got that speech out of Valedictorian Speeches for Dummies. Either that or out of Mad Libs but instead of putting “penis” and “fart” in the blanks she put in “momentous” and “exacerbate” instead.
2.) I think I speak for most of us when I say: who knew Shawn McLaughlin was such a nerd?
3.) Which name was most surprising to hear being called out: Nick Billotti or Joe Muto? Its hard to say.
3 & 1/2.) Some people have said Hilary’s speech was boring and uninspiring because she’s got the personality of a piece of lumber. Others have said it was because she didn’t take Crit. III. Others have said it was because after she heard the first guy’s speech she knew she couldn’t top him so she decided to not even bother. And while all valid, none of those are completely right. I think deep down we all know the real reason…
It’s because she’s a woman.
(First piece of hate mail coming in 3…2…1…Hey there it is!)
*Barbara Adrian makes me go “OOOOO”.
*I thought I should share this email I got the other day…
To: Andy Stokan
From: Peter Baker
Subject: Kudos on your shit
Dear all involved with your shit last night,
What a grand and stimulating excrement of feces you partook in last night! The lugubrious deliverance of the soupcon of excrements into the tranquil pool of liquid below evoked Renior’s masterpiece Loir-et-Chait de Blois and the voluptuous enormity of each fecal matter caused a hardening to transpire in mine own pants. While watching, I was reminded of Bernard Pevou’s fine work Les Triumph du Poopoo in which he states so majestically, “Quicon du la pori cara wei”. And I think we can all agree on that! The lighting and set too were of such splendor and magnificence that I myself did shit mine own trousers several times over. Kudos!
-Peter Baker
*Specially Requested Shout Out of the Week: Theater Bakeshop - baking quality plays since Spring ‘05
*Top 3 & 1/2 Ways Java City is Different Than the Real World:
1.) At Java City, Carmine gives you free smoothies; in the real world, Carmine makes you eat cake.
2.) At Java City, I can’t have my iced coffee because they are out of two key ingredients: ice and coffee; in the real world, I shoot them in the face.
3.) At Java City, you get coffee and hip-hop at the same time; in the real world, not so much.
3 & 1/2.) At Java City, if they are closed you can always go use the vending machines; oh wait no you can’t because they are fucking broken!
*Who is “Kelly” and how can I thank her?
*I have a math problem for you:
1 building + 8 floors + 3 elevators + (1 elevator that services all 8 floors) – (2 elevators that only service 3 floors) + 10,000 decrepit old people = sheer chaos. Seriously did the people that run this school not pass basic math? Wait, don’t answer that…But seriously the express elevator idea is like the worst idea the school has made since whatever the last decision they made prior to that one was.
The only good thing the express elevators have done is given worth to the 7th floor. Before it was the armpit of the school, now it’s the place to want your class to be. As Martha Cary said, only with much funnier wording, the 7th Floor is now like the 86th Street stop of Marymount. Now if only the cross-town bus stopped there too we’d be all set.
*My first three years at Marymount saw a lot of change, but through it all there was one thing that always remained the same. If you were at school and you had time to kill the only place to do it was the Nuge. Regardless of if you had to kill five minutes or five hours, the Nuge could meet your time wasting needs. It was the place to see and be seen. Whether you were Nairoby Otero or just one of Nairoby’s friends, the Nuge was the place be. It didn’t matter if you wanted to bitch about every aspect of human existence with the musical theater kids in the corner or just practice your scene at a really loud volume; there was a place for you in the Nuge. But this past year the Nuge just wasn’t the same. I would often have to search for several seconds before even finding a familiar face. Some of the computers actually functioned. And on occasion, Katie Gorum was nowhere to be found! It got so bad I almost considered doing my jewelry shopping somewhere else. Most days I could barely even kill half a Fox 5 News Segment in there. So while I have moved on, there are those who are just begining their days at Marymount who will sadly never know about the thriving civilization that once existed in the very room where they eat their daily Graces’ salad. And it is for them that I feel bad. May they find their social life somewhere new.
“The Nuge is dead, long live the Nuge!”
*Top 3 & 1/2 Potential New Slogans for Marymount:
1.) “High School: The College Years”
2.) “Our students are just like the kids from “Fame”, only minus the talent and ambition!”
3.) “Putting the liberal back in liberal arts!”
3 & 1/2.) “Got coke?”
*Rumor has it that one time a guy ate an entire Java City chocolate chip cookie in one sitting. He’s dead now.
*In closing I wanted to say something slightly heartfelt. But then Lauren Morelli stole my thunder. So to elaborate on what she said, I will say that the fact we like to bitch about things, and the fact that we’re a tight community who deep down loves our school aren’t facts that are in opposition. In reality, they go hand in hand. It’s not just 9/11 that bonded us, but moreso it was the little things. The waiting outside at 4am in the cold to register for classes. The first days of 55th Street. Knowing what things were like pre-Jim Hundriser. The Black Sheep being our college bar. Having to rehearse your scene with eight other groups in the Rat. Having to sit through The Seagull. The entire Ben Prior Administration. And the list goes on and on. All these little things joined us together as much as “the big thing”. And bitching about them all is what made the bond so strong. It gave us a common goal and shared pain, and as a psychology major would tell you (if they existed), that’s one of the strongest ways to create an emotional bond with another person. The crazy thing is that sometime during all that bitching we actually changed things. It’s hard to believe, but the school is now actually a functional institution. And sadly as the school gets better, each incoming class gets worse. (If you don’t believe me, ask David Mold.) And it breaks my heart. Because the new kids will never know the Marymount we knew. The Marymount that made us who we are. They know the post-surgery Marymount, but we knew her back when she was fat and acne ridden. We knew her when she was real. But they will never know her, because we killed her. They say love hurts; well I guess our love did. Because the Gucci purse carrying, low rise jean wearing, fabulously manicured English majors who now populate the Nuge are not Marymount. And I’m sure there are also females who match the same description, and they aren’t Marymount either.
We are.
Scrappy, disgruntled, and never taking anything for granted. “The Golden Class.”
We may not have been able to buy a plasma TV as a Senior gift but we did something else.
We built a school.
And for that we are very sorry.
I love you all.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) THE WEST WING! (A full length article on why The West Wing is the greatest thing in the history of man might be forthcoming. But dont hold me to that.)
2.) 1845 1st Avenue, Apt. 2S
3.) neverending summer
3 & 1/2.) Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- "Whatever Happened to My Rock N Roll"
Thought of the Week:
Would the opposite of the video game "Street Fighter" be "Street Lover"? Would it be the game for pacifists? I mean I feel like thats really a large untapped market for fighting games. And if they did make it, would its theme song be "Why Dont We Do It In The Road"? Someone should look into this...
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