I Hate Entertainment

You know what I don’t want when I turn on fake awards shows that are known for being edgy and controversial? I don’t want anything edgy or controversial to happen. I especially don’t want anyone to be rude or discourteous to anyone else. I wouldn’t want anyone like say Chris Rock or Sarah Silverman or Russell Brand for example, to say or do anything disparaging about anyone else in attendance. Because I hate when people are “rude” to others. Everyone should be nice and civil above all else. Those are the qualities we all look for in our entertainment. That’s why no one likes Eminem or buys his music. Because he’s so rude. I mean thank God he has never said anything mildly disparaging at any point about any teenage female pop singers because then I would really be outraged and rant to boycott him. Because we all know that teenage girls are weak helpless creatures who cant possibly be expected to react well when someone interrupts them while they are speaking. They can sell out Madison Square Garden sure. Or headline a worldwide concert tour. But handle being interrupted and disparaged? No way! How Taylor Swift didn’t just curl up into the fetal position and start crying I’ll never know. Because she’s like a precious piece of very fragile glass. All teenage girls are. We shouldn’t expect anything else from them. I mentioned she’s a teenage girl right? So we should pity her and always be nice to her no matter what. I mean all she did was chose to show up to the VMAs. Its not like she signed up to be a part of some edgy and often uncivil event. Its not like she decided to come to a place where people have ever starting fighting in the audience or interrupted each other’s acceptance speeches before. And when you have Kanye West at an event as civil and classy as the VMAs how could she ever predict he would do something like what he did? It was shocking really. And you know who would never do anything like that? Beyonce. Because she is nice, or classy, or some other adjective that is in no way a polite way of saying “bland personality-less cipher”. She would never use her words or actions to entertain us in some spontaneous way that wasn’t choreographed and rehearsed and test marketed to within an inch of its life. She would never speak her mind to say that a video that was a cultural phenomenon and an iconic work deserved to beat a completely average and conventional video that no one even knew existed. Beyonce wouldn’t care about the right artistic works being properly recognized and she certainly wouldn’t advocate for her friend. Because she is a nice person. And thank God for that.

But you know who is not a nice person and would totally do all those things? Kanye West. And I really wish he hadn’t done them because then no one would be talking about him and certainly no one would be talking about an otherwise boring and meaningless awards show. Hey remember all those VMAs when no one did anything scandalous or tacky? Yeah neither do I. And that’s how I like it. So shame on you Kanye for keeping us from that. I really wish I could have heard all of Taylor’s boring, unentertaining reading of a list of names for an award that doesn’t mean anything and that no one cares about. Way to ruin a perfectly boring moment Kanye! I think we all as a nation agree that we wish as an entertainer you would stop doing things that are so entertaining. That’s not what being an entertainer is about after all. It’s about being nice at all times.

When it comes to entertainers, I only like the ones who seem like nice people who I can sit down and have a beer with. That’s how I decide whom to vote for in elections too. Not the best candidate, but the one that seems the nicest. And so it is with entertainers. I don’t like the ones who entertain me; I only like the ones who seem like nice, uninteresting people. Complex, controversial figures are really of no interest to me. In fact I hate them. Besides Kanye other celebrities I don’t like include anyone who has ever have cheated on their spouse, neglected their kids, broken the law, endangered the lives of others, or treated those around them terribly. Because those things are also not nice. And so I am equally as outraged by all of those activities as I am by Kanye West interrupting a speech at an awards show. Remember how I always tweet about my outrage whenever any of those other things happen? So while I am rightly angered by Kanye’s behavior, all of you heartless people who like being entertained by your entertainers, you can just save your outrage and indignation for something more important that you feel actually matters.

Like the Emmys.

MTV Killed the Video Star

Sometimes you know things will disappoint you but you do them anyway. Watching Saturday Night Live, paying to see a new Star Wars movie, having sex with your mom, and of course watching the VMAs. It wasn’t always like this though. As recently as three years ago the VMAs had Eminem feuding with puppets, Chris Rock insulting celebrities to their face, a guy from Rage Against the Machine climbing on the set, Blink 182 dancing with midgets, and girls kissin’ other girls while dressed in wedding attire. Now though, we got R. Kelly lip-synching, MC Hammer attempting to be cool, and Diddy not doing anything even remotely funny. This of course answers the question everyone has been asking me which is: “Diddy?” Well no, he didn’t.
Moving on…
All in all, it was even more unmemorable than last year and that’s saying something. In fact it took me a week after the fact to even post this, because I figured that’s how long it would take most people to bother to check out the show on one of MTV’s five reruns a day. More troubling than the lack of excitement this year though, was seeing what was nominated for the top awards. Usually no matter how bad the show itself was, the awards part of the evening was pretty good. Quality videos were always nominated and you usually cared what won. Sure there was some crap thrown in, but when it came to the biggies like “Video of the Year” and the “MTV2 Award” usually all the nominees were really high quality groundbreaking videos, sometimes for relative obscure acts. Don’t forget, videos like “Freak on a Leash” “Hurt” “99 Problems” “Virtual Insanity” “Buddy Holly” and “Weapon of Choice” were all nominated for the top award. And in perhaps the best case ever of “sticking it to the man” when said “man” is yourself, Neil Young’s “This Note’s for You” video won Video of the Year even though MTV refused to ever air it. Now you may ask yourself how I remember that. Well it’s because I remember that video. I remember all those aforementioned videos. They made an impact on me and impressed me with their artistry. In our lifetime we’ve seen videos go from being a mere promotional tool for a song to an art form in and of itself. So that’s why it’s depressing to look at the nominees from this year. Sure “Speed of Sound” and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” are great songs, but great videos? That’s questionable at best. And you can honestly tell me that the videos for “Locked Up” and “Still Tippin’” have a shred of artistic merit? Of course you can’t. But then again you can’t say much about them, because you’ve probably never even seen them. No one has. Because MTV has given up on videos. Now I know that it’s been en vogue to hate on the station that brought us En Vogue for not playing videos since almost the day the station started, but it’s truer now that it ever has been. It’s gotten so bad that now MTV has actually lunched an ad campaign to defend itself against the criticism that they no longer play videos. Funny thing is if they would just spend all the time they use defending themselves against the charges that they don’t play video to, oh I dunno, actually play videos, then we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. But we are instead now at a point where no one can even debate whether the VMAs nominees are good or bad because no one has seen any of the videos. The sad part is that the quality of videos being produced is constantly getting better and better, yet the average person doesn’t ever get to see them. There’s stuff out there now that’s better shot and more creative and artistically relevant than 90% of feature films. But you would never know that from watching MTV. Because they refuse to acknowledge that videos even exist. Its like a father leaving his family, but instead of leaving the kids when they are little, waiting instead until they have grown up into genius world-renowned superstars and then ditching them to go marry some stripper he met at a bar and raise her dirty drug addict kids in their place. Any way you want to look at it the relationship between MTV and the art form they helped spawn couldn’t be any more sad and ironic. And not ironic in an Alanis Moresitte not-actually-ironic-but-really-more-just-coincidental way, but in an actually ironic way. Also, did I mention it’s really sad? I mean they birthed the art form of videos and then left it for dead. But just like Moses, videos will one day rise up and have all of your first-born male children killed. And they will part the Red Sea too. I know they will. Because they are just that cool. As for things that aren’t cool, well here are my other thoughts on the VMAs:

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-Believe me no one likes "Mr. Brightside" more than me, but perhaps it’s time for a new song. The fireworks were pretty fuckin cool though. On a related note can we get Brandon Flowers some charisma? I think Kayne can loan you some dude.

-Does Lil’ Kim appreciate the irony of her name?

-Remember when Diddy invented the remix?

-Has anyone ever seen Ciarra and Beyonce in the same place at the same time? Just wondering…

-Whoever is in charge of the Taco Bell ads must be stopped. Seriously someone is gonna get hurt and its probably gonna be me.

-Did you know Rachael McAdams is 29?!? How is this possible?

Who the hell is…
…The Bishop Magic Don Juan?
…BS?
…T.I.?

-Sometimes the pressure to make a good joke is just too intense. For example see the reageton performance.

-If I killed Eva Longoria would anyone be opposed?

-On a related note: Ricky Martin is still alive?

-Some things you can live down, some things you cant, and some things are Mariah Carey’s episode of “Cribs”

-What exactly is a hollaback girl?
(How has no one looked into this yet?)

-Run away winner for Quote of the Night:
Kurt Loder on the post show: “Word to the reaggeton thing”

-The Gorillaz aren’t there to accept their award? How can this be?!?

-With Shakira is the actual music she’s dancing to even relevant at this point?

-Can someone please explain “Trapped in the Closet” to me? I mean who would imagine that the song would actually be gayer than the title? And how did it get so much radio play? Really I don’t understand the whole thing. It’s one of the more bizarre musical phenomenons in our lifetime, and the strangeness of it all hasn’t gotten nearly the analysis it needs. I would do the job myself if I even remotely comprehended it. And what the deal with R. Kelly? Isn’t he supposed to be in jail or something? Can we please get that trial under way VERY soon?

-Someone did tell 50 Cent that when you cuss on live TV they just mute the sound right?

-Is it wrong of me that I actually care about the fate of Hilary Duff and Joel Madden as a couple?…Okay let’s just pretend I never mentioned this…

-Do you ever wonder what real non-reality show created artists think about the success of Kelly Clarkson? Do you ever wonder if Kelly Clarkson’s shoes wonder where he feet are? Do you ever wonder if I might or might not write a lengthy essay devoted entirely to “Since U Been Gone”? Well you should.

-I think more really needs to be being made about what Green Day is doing right now. If Ray Charles hadn’t died I think there is universal agreement that they would have won the Grammy for Album of the Year and would have deserved it. They now have also swept a youth oriented awards show on a station that doesn’t even acknowledge the existence of rock anymore. They have an album that is not only the best of its year, but also the most popular of its year. How many bands have been able to make that claim? Very, very few. There have already been four top 20 singles off “American Idiot” and there will likely be two or three more before all is said and done. And there are only 13 tracks on the album. That’s an almost “Thriller” like ratio of hits to non-hits. And it’s not just that they are hits. There are also freakishly good songs. And it’s not just the most popular and one of the best selling albums of the year, it’s also the most important "punk" album since “London Calling” in terms of scope, influence, quality, and relevance. All this being said I think its clear that Green Day isn’t getting nearly enough credit for what they are in the midst of accomplishing. I mean if you can get an 8-minute 5-part intro to a punk rock opera not only played on the radio, but played with extreme frequency, then that opens the door for pretty much anything in not only the world of punk, but in the world of popular music as a whole. In an era when it feels like everything has already been done, especially in rock/punk, when new things are done I don’t think there’s any way to overstate their importance. I could say more but my fingers might start to bleed if I really let loose. Just know that with Green Day right now, we are experiencing something we may never experience again, and appreciate it and soak it up now for all its worth, cause who knows when the next time is that something like this will come along.

Best commercials aired during the show:
1.) Any and all Red Stripe commercials
2.) The salmon eaten by bear Geico commercial
3.) The monster/robot Hummer H3 commercial

Things Diddy should have asked My Chemical Romance to do other than perform:
1.) Rehearse
2.) Get him a sandwich
3.) Not perform

Best rap names I had never heard before the VMAs
1.) Fat Man Scoop
2.) Styles P
3.) Olu Dara

Me Responding to Rap Songs:
T.I.- “U Don’t Know Me”: “You’re right. I don’t.”
Mike Jones- “Who is Mike Jones?”: “I don’t know”
Snoop- “Drop It Like It’s Hot”: “Okay”
Destiny’s Child- “Lose My Breath”: “I'd be glad to help with that.”
Ciarra- “Oh”: “Oh?”

-Okay so this is only tangentially related to the VMAs but another day cannot go by without me discussing a topic that is very important to me: Formula 50 Vitamin Water. That’s right, 50 Cent’s very own flavor of Vitamin Water. I seriously don’t even know where to begin when discussion this other than with a simple question: how? For a little review before we begin- Jay-Z promotes a Grey Goose cognac, Nelly has something called “Pimp Juice”, and Lil’ Jon of course has “Crunk Juice”. What does 50 Cent, the gangsterist gangster of them all have? A flavor of water. How did this happen?!? Were the people at Vitamin Water sitting around in their boardroom one day thinking, “Who would be a person who you would associate with vitamin infused water?” and they came up with 50 Cent? And its not like there’s a line of celebrity endorsed flavors. No, its JUST 50 Cent! That’s it. Seriously is there anything LESS hardcore than vitamin water? I mean who pays $2.50 for a bottle of water? Rich people, trendy people, and idiots. And 50 Cent only appeals to one of those groups. I really don’t get it. And how is this not a bigger topic of national discussion? I mean has there been anything more baffling than this since the release of Donnie Darko? I think not. Okay, I have to stop talking about this now under doctor’s orders.
I’m off now to go get my prescription refilled.



Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) Kayne West- "Late Registartion" (Album) (More on this one at a later date...)
2.) OK Go- "A Million Ways" video
3.) Watching Fox News for the entertainment value
3 & 1/2.) Labor


Thought of the Week:
I dont want to really get into in this space, but I would just like to say that I think Katrina is worse than 9/11. Not that theres any way to compare disaters and not that even doing such a thing isnt inherently wrong, disrepectful, and insenstive, but I just hadnt heard that really mentioned and thats really how I feel. As bad as 9/11 was, ultimately the permannt long-lasting damage to those not directly involved, was the loss of two buildings. Katrina has wiped one of the great American cities off the map, and unlike with 9/11 when people said nothing would ever be the same, in this case, things really never will be the same. New Orleans as we know it is gone, never to return. Its really too unfathomable to even comprehend. If your heart doesnt ache then you dont have one. Thats all I really have to say in this space. Thanks for listening.

We're Not Gonna Take It!

Just like Jesus, The Terminator, and Kotter, I’m back. I had a few slight little diversions there for a week or so called “moving” and “no internet” and “death”. But hallelujah I’m back. I know you been anxiously awaiting my return, (liar) as you should have been because there is much to discuss.

For my readers around the nation who might not happen to be in New York City currently (translation: no one), let me tell you, it was crazy yesterday. People filled the streets with signs of protest and cries of outrage. Pain, anguish and indignation hung heavy in the air. Never before had an issue of national and international importance brought together the citizens of this city so passionately.

That’s right, The VMAs were moved to Miami.

It is an outrage I say. It our constitutional right as New Yorkers to be able to gaze upon celebrities as they and their possies arrive across from Radio City Music Hall (or Lincoln Center that one random year). We are better than everyone else and so we have earned this right. The right to see P. Diddy arrive in his pimped out ride with Ma$e and Bruce Willis whom he apparently is trying to promote as the new Ashton Kutcher, which is kind of ironic seeing as how he was really the FIRST Ashton Kutcher, or at least to Demi Moore he was. The right to see some guy named Omarion talk about going solo without answering the more pressing question of what exactly he is going solo FROM. The right to see John Norris morph into Kurt Loder before our very eyes. The right to see Sway shout incoherently and do whatever the hell it is Sway does. These are our rights as New Yorkers and these rights were taken away from us on Sunday. Our basic liberties were violated and our privileges stripped from us. So we New Yorkers took to the streets to let MTV know we would not stand for this another year. So hear me now, person-who-decides-where-the-VMAs-will-be-held-each-year, you and your administration must go, because you are bad for the people of this great land. And by great land I mean Manhattan. And select parts of Brooklyn.

Luckily though the show was televised and I could watch it in all its glorious splendor. And watch I did.
And splendor it did not.

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I fully intended this week’s entry to be about the VMAs. It’s just the sort of event that’s ripe with type of material I want to write about. But a funny thing happened as I sat there watching, waiting for something to strike me as being good material to use. I realized I am now officially really old. Too old. Perhaps it was just the fact that this was the worst VMAs in history, but I mean when you have no host, no compelling performers, no controversial moments and a sound system apparently on loan from a community theater, what were they expecting? Perhaps the fact that they failed to nominate "Megalomaniac" in any of the top categories cast such a bad pall over the proceedings in my mind that I would not have been able to enjoy it even if they had shot Yoko Ono and then let Paul and Ringo piss on her corpse live on stage. Perhaps. But I’m starting to think maybe I’m just too old. Old to the point where I see through it all too much to even derive guilty enjoyment out of it.

Oh, I still have thoughts on the show, but MTV didn’t even provide enough compelling material to really inspire any feelings strong enough to be worth writing about. I could roll out the old “Musicless” Television bit here if that hadn’t been played out like 10 years ago. I could mention how its fitting that a show that peddles unintelligent, mindless schlock and that had to identify Clarence Thomas as “a Supreme Court justice” because it assumed its viewers wouldn’t know that without being told, would draw an audience that would boo John Kerry’s daughters. I could note how MTV’s ads get exceedingly more brilliant and cutting edge in direct proportion to how idiotic and processed the station’s content gets. I could talk about all of these things and more, but I just don’t feel like it. Maybe I’m old, but I just don’t have the desire to. Because I loved the show when it was processed, hyperactive, contrived, dumb, insulting, and manipulative. But now it’s just boring.
And that is the one thing I could never love.