It’s hard to believe that I am finally, at long last, a college graduate. It seems like college took almost as long to complete as it took me to update the journal. Yet at the same time it also seems like just yesterday I plagiarized my first college paper. Yet now its four years later and I have my cheap paper folder that is supposed to contain my degree but that I know likely never will as there’s at least a 60% chance the school will fuck it up somehow and I’ll never receive it. And although the past four years were fun, I cant help but feel that I somewhat missed out on the full Marymount experience. I mean I made it through four years at Marymount without not getting cast, developing a nicotine addiction, or having sex with a guy. Which I guess actually means I have a lot in common with most of the girls at Marymount.
I’m sorry, that’s not entirely fair. I take that back.
Most girls at Marymount are addicted to nicotine… Regardless, it’s quite an accomplishment. But nevertheless it’s over, and all I have now is the memories. Well that, and the emotional scars. And the soul crushing debt. And the deep-seated hatred for all humanity. And of course…the musings.
*Top 3 &1/2 Observations About Graduation:
1.) I feel like the valedictorian got that speech out of Valedictorian Speeches for Dummies. Either that or out of Mad Libs but instead of putting “penis” and “fart” in the blanks she put in “momentous” and “exacerbate” instead.
2.) I think I speak for most of us when I say: who knew Shawn McLaughlin was such a nerd?
3.) Which name was most surprising to hear being called out: Nick Billotti or Joe Muto? Its hard to say.
3 & 1/2.) Some people have said Hilary’s speech was boring and uninspiring because she’s got the personality of a piece of lumber. Others have said it was because she didn’t take Crit. III. Others have said it was because after she heard the first guy’s speech she knew she couldn’t top him so she decided to not even bother. And while all valid, none of those are completely right. I think deep down we all know the real reason…
It’s because she’s a woman.
(First piece of hate mail coming in 3…2…1…Hey there it is!)
*Barbara Adrian makes me go “OOOOO”.
*I thought I should share this email I got the other day…
To: Andy Stokan
From: Peter Baker
Subject: Kudos on your shit
Dear all involved with your shit last night,
What a grand and stimulating excrement of feces you partook in last night! The lugubrious deliverance of the soupcon of excrements into the tranquil pool of liquid below evoked Renior’s masterpiece Loir-et-Chait de Blois and the voluptuous enormity of each fecal matter caused a hardening to transpire in mine own pants. While watching, I was reminded of Bernard Pevou’s fine work Les Triumph du Poopoo in which he states so majestically, “Quicon du la pori cara wei”. And I think we can all agree on that! The lighting and set too were of such splendor and magnificence that I myself did shit mine own trousers several times over. Kudos!
-Peter Baker
*Specially Requested Shout Out of the Week: Theater Bakeshop - baking quality plays since Spring ‘05
*Top 3 & 1/2 Ways Java City is Different Than the Real World:
1.) At Java City, Carmine gives you free smoothies; in the real world, Carmine makes you eat cake.
2.) At Java City, I can’t have my iced coffee because they are out of two key ingredients: ice and coffee; in the real world, I shoot them in the face.
3.) At Java City, you get coffee and hip-hop at the same time; in the real world, not so much.
3 & 1/2.) At Java City, if they are closed you can always go use the vending machines; oh wait no you can’t because they are fucking broken!
*Who is “Kelly” and how can I thank her?
*I have a math problem for you:
1 building + 8 floors + 3 elevators + (1 elevator that services all 8 floors) – (2 elevators that only service 3 floors) + 10,000 decrepit old people = sheer chaos. Seriously did the people that run this school not pass basic math? Wait, don’t answer that…But seriously the express elevator idea is like the worst idea the school has made since whatever the last decision they made prior to that one was.
The only good thing the express elevators have done is given worth to the 7th floor. Before it was the armpit of the school, now it’s the place to want your class to be. As Martha Cary said, only with much funnier wording, the 7th Floor is now like the 86th Street stop of Marymount. Now if only the cross-town bus stopped there too we’d be all set.
*My first three years at Marymount saw a lot of change, but through it all there was one thing that always remained the same. If you were at school and you had time to kill the only place to do it was the Nuge. Regardless of if you had to kill five minutes or five hours, the Nuge could meet your time wasting needs. It was the place to see and be seen. Whether you were Nairoby Otero or just one of Nairoby’s friends, the Nuge was the place be. It didn’t matter if you wanted to bitch about every aspect of human existence with the musical theater kids in the corner or just practice your scene at a really loud volume; there was a place for you in the Nuge. But this past year the Nuge just wasn’t the same. I would often have to search for several seconds before even finding a familiar face. Some of the computers actually functioned. And on occasion, Katie Gorum was nowhere to be found! It got so bad I almost considered doing my jewelry shopping somewhere else. Most days I could barely even kill half a Fox 5 News Segment in there. So while I have moved on, there are those who are just begining their days at Marymount who will sadly never know about the thriving civilization that once existed in the very room where they eat their daily Graces’ salad. And it is for them that I feel bad. May they find their social life somewhere new.
“The Nuge is dead, long live the Nuge!”
*Top 3 & 1/2 Potential New Slogans for Marymount:
1.) “High School: The College Years”
2.) “Our students are just like the kids from “Fame”, only minus the talent and ambition!”
3.) “Putting the liberal back in liberal arts!”
3 & 1/2.) “Got coke?”
*Rumor has it that one time a guy ate an entire Java City chocolate chip cookie in one sitting. He’s dead now.
*In closing I wanted to say something slightly heartfelt. But then Lauren Morelli stole my thunder. So to elaborate on what she said, I will say that the fact we like to bitch about things, and the fact that we’re a tight community who deep down loves our school aren’t facts that are in opposition. In reality, they go hand in hand. It’s not just 9/11 that bonded us, but moreso it was the little things. The waiting outside at 4am in the cold to register for classes. The first days of 55th Street. Knowing what things were like pre-Jim Hundriser. The Black Sheep being our college bar. Having to rehearse your scene with eight other groups in the Rat. Having to sit through The Seagull. The entire Ben Prior Administration. And the list goes on and on. All these little things joined us together as much as “the big thing”. And bitching about them all is what made the bond so strong. It gave us a common goal and shared pain, and as a psychology major would tell you (if they existed), that’s one of the strongest ways to create an emotional bond with another person. The crazy thing is that sometime during all that bitching we actually changed things. It’s hard to believe, but the school is now actually a functional institution. And sadly as the school gets better, each incoming class gets worse. (If you don’t believe me, ask David Mold.) And it breaks my heart. Because the new kids will never know the Marymount we knew. The Marymount that made us who we are. They know the post-surgery Marymount, but we knew her back when she was fat and acne ridden. We knew her when she was real. But they will never know her, because we killed her. They say love hurts; well I guess our love did. Because the Gucci purse carrying, low rise jean wearing, fabulously manicured English majors who now populate the Nuge are not Marymount. And I’m sure there are also females who match the same description, and they aren’t Marymount either.
We are.
Scrappy, disgruntled, and never taking anything for granted. “The Golden Class.”
We may not have been able to buy a plasma TV as a Senior gift but we did something else.
We built a school.
And for that we are very sorry.
I love you all.
Top 3 & 1/2 of the Week:
1.) THE WEST WING! (A full length article on why The West Wing is the greatest thing in the history of man might be forthcoming. But dont hold me to that.)
2.) 1845 1st Avenue, Apt. 2S
3.) neverending summer
3 & 1/2.) Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- "Whatever Happened to My Rock N Roll"
Thought of the Week:
Would the opposite of the video game "Street Fighter" be "Street Lover"? Would it be the game for pacifists? I mean I feel like thats really a large untapped market for fighting games. And if they did make it, would its theme song be "Why Dont We Do It In The Road"? Someone should look into this...
Showing posts with label graduation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label graduation. Show all posts
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
Advice From God
Due to the countless hours spent editing and adding on to last week’s entry, along with many other factors, including incredible amounts of laziness, the Graduation Edition of Marymount Musings I have been promising is taking longer than expected. And by taking longer than expected I mean I haven’t started it yet. And since I care greatly about the quality of my work, I would never want to give my loyal readers anything that I didn’t spend a long time on and pour my heart into. So therefore I give you this Jon Stewart graduation speech that I cut and pasted here from a random website instead.
Hey, don’t complain; its better than anything Ill ever write. Plus, well, its awesome. And it’s a perfect example of what my writing would be like if I was blessed with God-like humor and writing ability and/or was Jon Stewart. Plus, I don’t know if I mentioned this yet or not, but its pretty amazing. Probably the most amazing graduation speech you’ll ever read. And I thought it would be nice to be exposed to at least ONE good graduation speech this week. So stop complaining and enjoy the fact that I’m giving you anything at all this week.
I know you’re really hungry for a new article but hopefully this will tide you over until the main course comes. In that sense, this is like going to dinner and being given a free appetizer, only the appetizer is deluxe nachos and mozzarella sticks and the entree you ordered was poop in a bucket.
So the point is, enjoy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart's (Class of '84) Commencement Address
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night.
Hey, don’t complain; its better than anything Ill ever write. Plus, well, its awesome. And it’s a perfect example of what my writing would be like if I was blessed with God-like humor and writing ability and/or was Jon Stewart. Plus, I don’t know if I mentioned this yet or not, but its pretty amazing. Probably the most amazing graduation speech you’ll ever read. And I thought it would be nice to be exposed to at least ONE good graduation speech this week. So stop complaining and enjoy the fact that I’m giving you anything at all this week.
I know you’re really hungry for a new article but hopefully this will tide you over until the main course comes. In that sense, this is like going to dinner and being given a free appetizer, only the appetizer is deluxe nachos and mozzarella sticks and the entree you ordered was poop in a bucket.
So the point is, enjoy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jon Stewart's (Class of '84) Commencement Address
Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you.
My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing.
I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth.
I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured.
I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it.
I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you.
But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them.
Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it.
Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.
I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.
But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us.
We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement?
I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps.
So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant.
In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality.
In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not.
And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.
So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny.
So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.
I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father.
When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this.
College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above.
And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.”
And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.”
Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night.
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